Review sites come in handy when researching the quality of consumer electronics and the trustworthiness of online retailers. They may even save you from sharing a hotel room with roaches. But when it comes to must-see destinations, the write-ups can be quite silly.

Take the Yelp.com review of Central Park, for example.

I'm a little shocked to see that anyone would take the time to give Central Park less than five stars. Not saying that everyone must hold the place as one of their dearest, but who comes out of there thinking, "Pffft. I gotta warn the masses about this place!"

People like these:

Kymberli C. from Clayton, Calif. says the place was "a lot less scary than I thought it would be." A lot less scary. A LOT less scary. How fucking scary do you think Central Park is? Do these pictures resemble a gangland or something? Let's get this out of the way first: If you're an adult and you believe Manhattan to be a city where people dodge stray bullets to get to work, you're a fucktard of the highest order. Feel free to watch your judge TV and briefcase game shows, but please don't fuck without birth control.

Diane M. of San Francisco, Calif. contends that while the place is huge, "there isn't much to see." As opposed to ... a circus on Mars? Yeah, Diane, if you're up for people-watching, definitely avoid this lame place.

Casey W., a local who probably didn't attend Columbia, writes, "the only reason I'm knocking a star is because it's so far uptown." Yeah, that's why I give the Grand Canyon only three stars. Who wants to deal without airport security? Ugh.

Mr. Met is from Stony Brook, NY, but must be by way of Uranus. He says, "There are several roads that allows cars that literally 'fly' through the park, so watch out." Yes, they literally fly. Up in the sky; it's a bird, it's a plane, it's a Central Park car. Very accurate review, Mr. Met. Thanks.

Finally, my favorite review comes from Jared R. of New York, who laments "There are not enough places to have sex here. I sat around tapping my foot all evening, but only the horses tapped back." Hahaha. No wonder that wimp from California was so scared.

Other Web Finds:

• Man Who Photographed 3,000 Women's Asses in Venice Is Arrested — You'd think after the first 2,500 he'd have enough spank material. This shit has been going on for years. Creeps abound at tourist spots, beaches, etc. They suck at life, but don't let them ruin your day simply because every one of theirs is closeted and lonely.

• IMDB.com: I'm a Dirty Filthy Cocksucking Cunt! — Eighteen reviewers gave this flick an average rating of 8.6/10, on par with Citizen Kane and It's a Wonderful Life.

• Yogi Berra's New Book: You Can Observe A Lot By Watching: What I've Learned About Teamwork From the Yankees and Life — Does anyone really think that 83-year-old Yogi Berra is sitting around writing books? The cover says "with Dave Kaplan," but I'm about 129 billion percent sure that Kaplan did the lion's share of the work. Like all of it. Hey Yogi, wnna hit that great Italian place we discovered last week? Nah, gotta bang out Chapter 6 tonight, or the publisher's gonna be on my ass.

Then again, if you're gonna advertise ass-to-mouth inside, ya kinda wanna cover up the window.

Oh, they mean cash machine? My bad.

The object of the game, as described by the righteous Killer List of Video Games, is to "recover the instruments for the five members of the rock band Journey," without explanation as to why those instruments were seized in the first place. (Though I have a pretty good idea.)

In the bonus round, you act as a roadie who must push fans away from the concert stage. I'm presuming a healthy ratio of the rambunctious fans are women. Being trapped in 1983 is good for only two types of people: Baltimore Orioles fans and roadies for Journey. Gotta figure that the women pushing their way to Journey stages in 2008 are the same ones as from 1983. Try sharing those tales from the road with anyone who may have worked even a month with Motley Crue in 1985.

Other Web Finds:

• $1.18 Million Diamond on Amazon — When you're in the market for seven-figures' worth of precious jewels, you really can't go wrong with a place that bills itself as the world's largest bookseller.

• Clone-A-Willy — And to add to that million-dollar-plus shopping cart, Amazon also sells a sex toy in which you mold your hard dick into a custom vibrator for your gal.

• NFL.com's Outdated Giants Super Bowl Commemorative Jacket — For $200, you can proudly show off your Big Blue pride with this jacket adorned with patches celebrating the Giants' victories in Super Bowls XXI and XXV. Hmmm, anyone see something missing here? (As an aside, anyone who buys this NFC champs "helmet head" should be committed and sentenced to a lifetime of playing Journey video games.)

• Big Huge Labs' Flickr Toys — A bunch of free effects, frames and generators that you can apply to your library of Flickr photos.

• YouTube: Rob Halford Singing in Court — This is from when Judas Priest was on trial after it was alleged that subliminal messages in their song "Better By You, Better Than Me" had triggered suicide attempts in Nevada by two young men, one of which was "successful." That's some scary-ass shit, how only 18 years ago — in this supposed most advanced country in the world — a band could be put in trial because of how others may have interpreted their words. Guaran-fucking-tee you religious brainwashing and a fight against "Devil's music" played a role here, as pious loons continue to let thousands of years of telephone override common sense.

• People Riding Buses to Atlantic City For Profit — The New York Times illustrates how, for some, the vouchers Atlantic City casinos hand out to treat bus riders exceeds the cost of the fare itself. Hence, a profit without gambling a dime and a meager source of income for downtrodden folks.

• Dopes, Get Your Dirt — Phil Mushnick of the New York Post on more ridiculously priced collectibles from Steiner Sports and the New York Yankees, including a "2005 Opening Day Batter's Box Dirt Collage" for $120, an Ian Kennedy locker room name plate for $500 and a Jose Veras "game used" duffel bag for $250.

It's been awhile since I did a good, ol'-fashioned link dump, so let's see what's caught my interest of late:

• The Bare Necessities: A Generation Tries to Imagine Life Without iPods — A terrific Wall Street Journal column on the misguided attitudes of people who think they and the country are mired in financial malaise. "Americans of all income groups have made enormous gains in their standard of living in recent decades," writes Stephen Moore, who illustrates how cell phones and laptops are taken for granted when, only a generation ago, today's ho-hum possessions such as air conditioning, washing machines and microwaves were considered luxuries.

Yeah, it sucks that Canadian lap dances don't come at that 30% discount anymore, but a $150 guitar, a $150 digital camera and a $150 used bike can provide years of enjoyment, if you focus on those potential, self-directed positives instead of paying $150 to see Van Halen for two hours and then complaining about it.

Also, your closet doesn't have to be overflowing. Not sure if you knew that.

• Front Desk Tip — Did you know that greasing the front desk a mere $20 at a variety of Las Vegas Strip casinos can usually net you a cheap room upgrade? Here are more than 1,300 tales of success and failure.

• Gianna Michaels' Wikipedia Bio — I love this first line: "Gianna Michaels (born June 6, 1983) is an award-winning American pornographic actress." It's amazing how just one word, "pornographic," changes the entire context from something millions of women would want as their Wikipedia lead to something we sure never got from Britannica.

• Bear Stearns Mementos on eBay — When the company collapsed, people were spending up to $85 for BS hand puppets. Now the demand has quelled and people are treating this junk for what it is. Seriously, a café card? Jeez.

• Pettitte Vows to Teach of PED Dangers — Yeah, he must really care about the kids when he — like Clemens and all the other phonies — elected to not speak with George Mitchell's investigators, not before and not after he was fingered by Brian McNamee. Remind me to carry a Bible with me the next time I bullshit someone.

• Whiten Your Teeth the Natural Way — Strawberries + baking powder. Who knew? I do know that hot dogs and beer does not work.

• Liquid Ass Fart Spray — Jeff Bezos' dream of becoming the biggest seller of fart-smelling products has become a reality! This is where the "Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought" feature makes for a few funnies. Hmmm, what should I buy with this liquid ass fart spray? Ah yes, insta poop!

• YouTube: Man Trapped in Elevator for 41 Hours — This freaky video, which will certainly give me nightmares, accompanies "Up and Then Down," an article in the New Yorker detailing Nicholas White's looooong cigarette break in 1999, when he was stuck alone in a McGraw-Hill Building elevator for almost two days.

Time to play: Who would you most and least like to get stuck in an elevator with?

Most:
1. Anyone with a deck of cards and a lot of money
2. The CEO whom I will threaten to sue every 10 minutes

Least:
1. The dude who had Taco Bell for lunch
2. Anyone who thinks Jesus is going to help us
2. Ugly receptionist who hasn't gotten laid since the dork in accounting banged her after the 2002 office holiday party

Like William Hung, however, I had never received any formal training. (Shock of the century, I know.)

That all changed in February when I enrolled in a 9-week Photography II course, taught by Charles Lavoie, at Photo Manhattan. With weekly lectures, tutorials, homework assignments and small-group critiques, it was the perfect bridge between the Super Bowl and Opening Day. Certainly better than watching the fucking Knicks continue to torch the heralded legacy of New York City basketball.

The course wraps this Thursday, April 10 at 7 p.m., with a public exhibition by approximately 20 students from three classes. All are welcome to attend the showing at Photo Manhattan (51 W. 14 Street). (See past exhibits.)

My contribution will be six photos from my chosen subject of NYC underground. The subway system allowed me access to a wealth of people, lines and colors, without being exposed to rain or cold, and without limitations of shooting only during daylight hours.

Here is a gallery of 10 shots I really like. Since I can only display six, I am leaning toward the ones below, though I have a couple of days to decide on which shots make the cut.

What I love about these shots is that they are uniquely mine. Not in my personal "style" or anything, but they belong to my eyes and my brain and my hands.

If 100 of the world's best photographers went into the subway system today to copy my assignment, they couldn't do it. They could shoot more technically sound photos. They could present shots that are more intriguing, with more striking color or that speak more of a message. But they couldn't match these exactly. They are all mine.

That's what I like about photography and all creative arts, including the music and writing I dabble in. If you make it, you own it, and if you like it, you can make yourself happy just by creating more of it.

The Yankees recently sent out an email announcing their "premium offerings" at the next Yankee Sadium. If you plan to experience some of these luxuries — slated to debut next season — start playing the lottery now.

Below are the four levels of premium seating at what is sure to be the most commercially aggressive stadium in the history of American sports. All are tagged as "suites," but don't confuse all with enclosed luxury boxes. Most appear to be renamed versions of some of the best outdoor seats in the current Yankee Stadium — but with special privileges that come at outrageous prices.

• Legends Suite — These 1,800 lower-level seats extend from dugout to dugout and start at $500 each. For a baseball game. That may be played in cold or rain. Against the Royals.

• Main Level Outdoor Suite — Located on the second level behind home plate, these 1,200 seats start at $350 per game. Yep, for $350, you get no better than the 1,801st-best seat in the house.

• Terrace Level Outdoor Suite — The best home-plate view from the upper deck comes from these 1,300 seats that start at $100 per. Upper deck, you may recall, is usually populated by people not rich enough, or not willing enough, to pony up for the "good" seats.

• Club Suite — Lacking in friends that are high-placed in the corporate world? Now you can buy into an expansive luxury suite, one ticket at a time, and hob-nob with the wealthy from a variety of industries. Maybe even organized crime! These 74 seats start at $700 per. And, get this, you still have to pay extra for booze!

(Images of all.)

I don't know why these seats are said to "start" at the prices given. Perhaps some spots in particular sections cost more than others. Or perhaps some games cost more to attend. I do know this: at the base prices listed above, the Yankees will take in $1,968,000 for these 5,040 seats. For every game. Throughout the foreseeable future.

That's before anyone buys a drop of beer. Or advertises in the park. Or eats at the steakhouse (blasphemy). Or leases a luxury suite. Or purchases any of the other 45,000 seats.

All those things will bring the Yankees per-game revenues around $83 trillion.

I will update when I find out what is planned for regular fans, the ones who showed up before the dramatic increases in attendance at Yankee stadium since 1995.

(It's interesting to note that, as recently as 1997, the reigning World Series champion Yankees drew only the 5th-best attendance in the AL, at 32,254 per game. In 2001, with the Yankees having won three straight World Series and a total or four in five years, the per-game attendance was "only" 40,800. Last season, a second-place effort coming off consecutive first-round playoff knockouts, the Yankees drew a franchise record 52,729 per game.)

Being in the middle of a 9-week photo course, I'm still a DSLR newbie, but I was lucky enough to capture Alex Rodriguez's Friday home run (below) with the third picture I ever shot with the zoom lens. I also dig this seemingly ho-hum shot of A-Rod taking a ball below the knee. His eyes are right on that major-league pitch; the dude is scary-good.

A couple of the shots were treated with a fake HDR Photoshop action that I like to play around with on landscape shots. I used it on this recent Central Park capture that ranks among my all-time favorites.

A Few Notes:

• Thanks mostly to Frenchy's tiki bar in left field — which stays open, with a band playing, well after the meaningless game ends — the Clearwater-based Phillies have the best minor-league park. Way more social and casual than Legendzzz Field, which, like the original, pretty much pins you to your seat.

• Fans are at a greater risk of getting hurt at spring training, because those are the only games I've been to where fans who are paying attention to the game duck away from foul balls, exposing those not paying attention for a second to get brained. I guess the blood-thirst to own a genuine Allan H. Selig-signed baseball dissipates at age 70.

• I survived Waffle House and an airport hot dog on getaway day. Don't tell my stomach he can't hang.

• To win the Florida vote in the election I guess you have to cater to two demographics: fossils and skinny, white college-aged (though not necessarily college-educated) kids all tatted up and sporting New Era caps. From there, you can punt the other 3.4% of the state population to the opponent.

• Played 3.5 hours of $1/$2 poker at the Hard Rock Casino in Tampa and earned $150. The play was so bad it was hard to not laugh sometimes. Players were astounded that I, in my third hand against an unknown villain who was up $400, did not call a $15 pre-flop raise from the big blind (and out of position) with 10-9 suited with a $100 stack, which was the state-mandated max in the game. (There is also a $100 max buy-in at the $2/$5 game. Lots of decision-making in that one: push or fold.)