PaulKatcher.com

High Notes From the Year 2008

While the Festivus airing of grievances is always fun, let's end the PK.com year on a more positive note, with a look back at things that were great in 2008:

America the Jubilant
Barack Obama's Nov. 4 victory speech at Grant Park brought together overjoyed blacks and whites in a mass not witnessed since Halle Berry finally showed her tits in Swordfish. Even a relaunch of the McRib in Louisiana would fail to match such racially harmonious ecstacy.

But following George W. Bush as president isn't a hard gig. It's like being a neighborhood's new ice cream truck driver after the last one molested all the 6-year-olds. People wonder if Obama can make good on all of his campaign promises, like it matters. He'll soar past Bush in approval ratings by walking through the White House front door without tripping on the runner.

Pretty much everything went to shit under 43's watch, including the economy, Britney Spears' sluttiness, international relations, air travel, health care and military families' faith in the government. The Yankees can't win a World Series anymore, porn clips come with that annoying 18 U.S.C. 2257 disclaimer, the brainless Deal or No Deal is a prime-time hit, and AOL lost 120 zillion subscribers (including every grandma who ever sent an e-mail with a blank subject).

As merely a presidential candidate in July, Barack Oabama "dazzled" over 200,000 supporters in Germany. We send the current guy overseas and we're lucky if he doesn't come back with a shoeprint on his face.

Change is coming to America. Thank fucking god.

New York Giants
From the Jan. 6 win at Tampa Bay that started an improbable Super Bowl run to the Dec. 21 OT victory over Carolina that clinched the NFC's No. 1 seed, the Giants provided their fans an entire year's worth of thrilling moments, going 16-3 in 2008, until a rest-'em-up loss in Minnesota that didn't matter.

It's an easy group to root for. Absent of prima donna receivers and gangsta corners, these lunch pail-carrying gridders validate football as the ultimate team sport. When Plaxico Burress' stupidity and legal defiance threatened the team's focus and dignity, the G-Men had no problem rendering him out of sight and out of mind. Contrast that with those idiots Roddy White and DeAngelo Hall, who were still slurping Mike Vick while getting destroyed in a prime-time loss last season.

Salaries alone dictate that the lives of pro athletes are much different than ours. That's OK, as long as there is one simple bond — that winning is paramount, even after the mega-deals have been signed. That's how teams show respect for the fans who subsidize their fortunes. The mutual respect between the Giants and their fans was the theme of the day when they strode up the Canyon of Heroes, on a Tuesday morning when I was surrounded by a million smiles, a sea of blue and an unforgettable cry of "We stomped you out!"

Religulous
Bill Maher's film on the absurdity of organized superstition sums up everything I've loathed about religion ever since I was old enough to realize that not only is there no Santa Claus, but that water-to-wine story is bullshit, too. (And you can throw in talking snakes and parting of seas for good measure.)

If I want to waste my time attending rituals with no tangible result, except to give away money, I'll get some Knicks season tickets.

Some choice YouTube clips:
• Bill Maher on why religion must die for mankind to live
• George Carlin on why religion is the greatest bullshit story ever told
• David Cross on religion, the Catholic church and being an atheist in Atlanta

Chocolate News
On Comedy Central's hilarious news spoof, David Alan Grier tackles such key issues in black culture as The Death of Hip-Hop ("When did "Fight the Power" become "Wait 'Till You See My Dick?") and Reginald "Fat Man" Harrison's controversial No Child Left Behind public-service announcement.

He also catches up with former porn star Donald "Licorice Stick" Mayfield, who inspired countless sex moves, including the Detroit Mud Pie, the Velvet Slingshot and the Denver Omelet.

Amazingly, the show manages to carry on after the tragic passing of white correspondent Roger Dunn.

New York Mets' Collapse: The Sequel
I called it "the best new comedy of the fall season," but the Mets' late-season choke was actually a repeat. While not as colossal as the '07 version, the '08 debacle was equally as satisfying, as it featured the same playing-for-nothing Marlins acting as spoilers at Shea, and it vindicated once-a-Yankee-always-a-Yankee Willie Randolph, who, in Mets fans' delusional eyes, was seen as some kind of barrier between that team and 120 wins.

Every Now and Then I Took a Nice Photo
Among my favorite pics this year were a couple shot in Central Park: one of a man walking up the stairs from Bethesda Fountain toward the mall, and other doing a handstand in front of a downtrodden soul at nearby Naumburg Bandshell. As a capture one could never plan for, the latter serves as an example of why I dig photography — because you just never know when a great photo-op will arise.

I also worked out some new hardware, posting just a few wide-angle shots, and macro shots and used a zoom lens to capture Alex Rodriguez's concentration on a meaningless spring training pitch, which, with perfect balance and eyes locked on the ball, he correctly let pass two inches below the knees.

Atlantic City Poker Trips
Seventeen wins in 19 visits. Free hotel room four nights a month. Complimentary adult beverages while scooping pots. What's not to like?

Oh yeah, the dirtbags I have to play against in the most depressing town in the world. And the rolling mental hospital they call the bus from Port Authority.

Happy Festivus, Everyone! Now, Fuck You to...

In the true spririt of Festivus, celebrated each Dec. 23, it's time to lay out all the things that disappointed me in 2008. For more bitch sessions, hit the Airing of Grievances blog.

Killing in the Name of ... a Blu-Ray Player.
When 34-year-old Wal-Mart employee Jdimytai Damour was trampled to death on Black Friday, it showed how greed has consumed America, from the heights of Wall Street to the depths of Valley Stream.

These animals — I will not refer to them as customers — killed a man to acquire not what they needed, but what they merely wanted at a cheap price. An MP3 player, a digital camera, a video game. They killed over this.

The economic climate has changed dramatically the way some live, but it will never be an excuse to entirely disregard common decency. There's blood on a lot of Christmas presents that came out of that Valley Stream Wal-Mart on Nov. 28, and it just doesn't get any lower than that.

Sarah Palin and Her Minions of Morons
The next time a lifelong politician picks a woman he met once to help him run the country, it would be nice if she had a brain. Because it's less insulting that way.

John McCain actually put Country Last when he presented us Mrs. Palin, with her wisecracks, winks and, most importantly, tits. Make no mistake, the last part is the only reason she was selected. And that's plain pathetic.

Though unable to withstand the rigors of a Katie Couric interview, Palin still managed to "energize" the Republican base. And by base, I mean rich folk and white trash. Thankfully, she also energized the Democratic base, who'd tired of morons in the White House. On election night it was clear that pro-America communities do not exist only in podunk towns where they think you're more American if you have a bigger U.S. flag flying from your porch. They exist, too, in big cities like Chicago, where hundreds of thousands of people — a true melting pot of people, not just one middle-aged whitey after another — celebrated raucusly the taking back of our country.

Plaxico Burress
Everyone seems to have the same questions.

With security options available to the super-rich, why carry? Why would he patronize a place in which he didn't feel safe without a gun? Why would he take out the gun if not in danger?

They all come back to the same answer: AssLicko is a fucking idiot.

We'll ask more of certain athletes if they prove to be capable, but for jackasses like Burress, all we need is for him to run fast, catch the ball, and to not commit crimes. It's amazing how difficult that is for some grown men.

The Madden Video Game Franchise
Maybe the game got too good too fast. After peaking with the 2004 (Michael Vick cover) edition, improvements in gameplay seemed to serve the virgins on Madden Nation more than the general public. When I play video games, it's the have fun and relax, not try to remember which 16 button combinations I have to hit before each snap to try to stop Marion Barber from running it up my ass.

Babies of the Year
Any life of any baby — celebrity babies included — consists of three main activities: eating, sleeping and shitting. If that inspires you to learn more at PEOPLE.com about babies you don't know born to people you don't know, you might wanna call Plaxico Burress and see if he's got an extra bullet and improved aim.

Calories, Fat Grams and Carbs
I hate them all, and by the looks of my stomach, the feeling is mutual.

While Shopping Online to Avoid Crowds...

Papaya beats me to checkout.