PaulKatcher.com

Imperfect Central Park Has Flying Cars?

Review sites come in handy when researching the quality of consumer electronics and the trustworthiness of online retailers. They may even save you from sharing a hotel room with roaches. But when it comes to must-see destinations, the write-ups can be quite silly.

Take the Yelp.com review of Central Park, for example.

I'm a little shocked to see that anyone would take the time to give Central Park less than five stars. Not saying that everyone must hold the place as one of their dearest, but who comes out of there thinking, "Pffft. I gotta warn the masses about this place!"

People like these:

Kymberli C. from Clayton, Calif. says the place was "a lot less scary than I thought it would be." A lot less scary. A LOT less scary. How fucking scary do you think Central Park is? Do these pictures resemble a gangland or something? Let's get this out of the way first: If you're an adult and you believe Manhattan to be a city where people dodge stray bullets to get to work, you're a fucktard of the highest order. Feel free to watch your judge TV and briefcase game shows, but please don't fuck without birth control.

Diane M. of San Francisco, Calif. contends that while the place is huge, "there isn't much to see." As opposed to ... a circus on Mars? Yeah, Diane, if you're up for people-watching, definitely avoid this lame place.

Casey W., a local who probably didn't attend Columbia, writes, "the only reason I'm knocking a star is because it's so far uptown." Yeah, that's why I give the Grand Canyon only three stars. Who wants to deal without airport security? Ugh.

Mr. Met is from Stony Brook, NY, but must be by way of Uranus. He says, "There are several roads that allows cars that literally 'fly' through the park, so watch out." Yes, they literally fly. Up in the sky; it's a bird, it's a plane, it's a Central Park car. Very accurate review, Mr. Met. Thanks.

Finally, my favorite review comes from Jared R. of New York, who laments "There are not enough places to have sex here. I sat around tapping my foot all evening, but only the horses tapped back." Hahaha. No wonder that wimp from California was so scared.

Other Web Finds:

• Man Who Photographed 3,000 Women's Asses in Venice Is Arrested — You'd think after the first 2,500 he'd have enough spank material. This shit has been going on for years. Creeps abound at tourist spots, beaches, etc. They suck at life, but don't let them ruin your day simply because every one of theirs is closeted and lonely.

• IMDB.com: I'm a Dirty Filthy Cocksucking Cunt! — Eighteen reviewers gave this flick an average rating of 8.6/10, on par with Citizen Kane and It's a Wonderful Life.

• Yogi Berra's New Book: You Can Observe A Lot By Watching: What I've Learned About Teamwork From the Yankees and Life — Does anyone really think that 83-year-old Yogi Berra is sitting around writing books? The cover says "with Dave Kaplan," but I'm about 129 billion percent sure that Kaplan did the lion's share of the work. Like all of it. Hey Yogi, wnna hit that great Italian place we discovered last week? Nah, gotta bang out Chapter 6 tonight, or the publisher's gonna be on my ass.

I Would Have Stopped at Four ATM Signs Myself

Then again, if you're gonna advertise ass-to-mouth inside, ya kinda wanna cover up the window.

Oh, they mean cash machine? My bad.

Before Grand Theft Auto IV, There Was Journey (Yep, Them)

I don't recall how I came to learn that there was a 1983 video game based on the band Journey. Perhaps I searched Google for "bar + man + singing + totally + gay" or maybe I was researching the history of coin-operated arcade games, a genre for which this game would place as my all-time second-favorite. (With all the rest being tied for first, of course.)

The object of the game, as described by the righteous Killer List of Video Games, is to "recover the instruments for the five members of the rock band Journey," without explanation as to why those instruments were seized in the first place. (Though I have a pretty good idea.)

In the bonus round, you act as a roadie who must push fans away from the concert stage. I'm presuming a healthy ratio of the rambunctious fans are women. Being trapped in 1983 is good for only two types of people: Baltimore Orioles fans and roadies for Journey. Gotta figure that the women pushing their way to Journey stages in 2008 are the same ones as from 1983. Try sharing those tales from the road with anyone who may have worked even a month with Motley Crue in 1985.

Other Web Finds:

• $1.18 Million Diamond on Amazon — When you're in the market for seven-figures' worth of precious jewels, you really can't go wrong with a place that bills itself as the world's largest bookseller.

• Clone-A-Willy — And to add to that million-dollar-plus shopping cart, Amazon also sells a sex toy in which you mold your hard dick into a custom vibrator for your gal.

• NFL.com's Outdated Giants Super Bowl Commemorative Jacket — For $200, you can proudly show off your Big Blue pride with this jacket adorned with patches celebrating the Giants' victories in Super Bowls XXI and XXV. Hmmm, anyone see something missing here? (As an aside, anyone who buys this NFC champs "helmet head" should be committed and sentenced to a lifetime of playing Journey video games.)

• Big Huge Labs' Flickr Toys — A bunch of free effects, frames and generators that you can apply to your library of Flickr photos.

• YouTube: Rob Halford Singing in Court — This is from when Judas Priest was on trial after it was alleged that subliminal messages in their song "Better By You, Better Than Me" had triggered suicide attempts in Nevada by two young men, one of which was "successful." That's some scary-ass shit, how only 18 years ago — in this supposed most advanced country in the world — a band could be put in trial because of how others may have interpreted their words. Guaran-fucking-tee you religious brainwashing and a fight against "Devil's music" played a role here, as pious loons continue to let thousands of years of telephone override common sense.

• People Riding Buses to Atlantic City For Profit — The New York Times illustrates how, for some, the vouchers Atlantic City casinos hand out to treat bus riders exceeds the cost of the fare itself. Hence, a profit without gambling a dime and a meager source of income for downtrodden folks.

• Dopes, Get Your Dirt — Phil Mushnick of the New York Post on more ridiculously priced collectibles from Steiner Sports and the New York Yankees, including a "2005 Opening Day Batter's Box Dirt Collage" for $120, an Ian Kennedy locker room name plate for $500 and a Jose Veras "game used" duffel bag for $250.