June 19, 2007
The Lamest Joke I Know
As you're aware, I'm a softball whore. Playing four games a week, on average, provides me with the "exercise" that Guitar Hero does not, introduces me to a wide variety of friends (and more importantly, bars), and exposes me to the most tired, pathetic, wasn't-funny-the-first-200-times "joke" out there...
... the fake charge of the mound after getting hit with a slow-pitched softball.
Oh god, does this one drive me nuts. I could play against an entire team of players wearing No. 69 and not dream murderous thoughts as instantly as when someone gets hit with an errant softball pitch, holds the bat like a club and takes a few fake, angered steps toward the mound.
Even Carlos Mencia wouldn't steal that bit.
Extra credit: What are the lamest attempts at humor you are constantly subjected to? (Outside of my writing.)
Previously: Characters You Meet on a Softball Field
Other Random Thoughts:
• I Saw It: A man wearing khaki shorts, olive-green socks and lavender Crocs. So wrong on about 56 levels.
• I Saw It, Part II: A man picking his nose in public and doing it with as much vigor as any public pick I've ever witnessed ... while handing out menus.
• No one forms an instant, magical white mass on his tongue and hocks a more perfect loogie than Mariano Rivera. It's like his saliva is in solid form.
• Motivation Free of Charge: There was a day when someone had to show Mozart which key was Middle C. (Of course, he was probably a lot smarter than you, but you get my point, right? Masters of anything started out knowing nothing.)
• People throughout history have been hated for what they have thought and how they have affected others. Interestingly, Paris Hilton is hated despite us not knowing what she thinks about much of anything, not does her life seem to adversely affect anyone. She's just a dumb ho, life's Internet-created villain who embodies humanity's pleasure in the failures of others.
• Tried to pay a $10 tab at McDonald's with a $50 bill. The cashier insta-moaned, "Do you have anything smaller?" Two $20 bills are apparently hard to come by for change ... by McDonald's ... in New York City.
June 15, 2007
2007 Yankees Mauling Opponents Like All-Time Greats
Bill Parcells said that you are what your record says you are. The ever-tightening AL East and wild-card standings say that the 2007 Yankees, at 33-31, are a run-of-the-mill team. Their propensity to blow out opponents — now 17-5 (.762) in games decided by at least 5 runs — indicates otherwise.
That .762 winning percentage in blowouts tells you a lot about this Yankees team. One-run games are, by definition, contests that can go either way. Blowouts are harder to luck into; only a superior team can boast real success in that category.
The Yankees have taken the field 64 times this season and have won by at least 5 runs on 17 occasions. That's 26.5% of all games played ending with the Bombers having done some bombing.
At this pace, the Yankees would finish their 162-game schedule with 43 wins by 5 runs or more. Let's see how that compares to some of the greatest baseball teams of all time. Teams marked with an * played a 154-game schedule, so assume they would have won a blowout or two more over 162 games.
TEAM BLOWOUT WINS OVERALL RECORD 2007 Yankees 43 (proj.) 84-78 (proj.) 1927 Yankees * 43 110-44 1998 Yankees 42 114-48 1939 Yankees * 41 106-45 1975 Reds 35 108-64 2001 Mariners 34 116-46 1942 Cardinals * 34 106-48 1906 Cubs * 33 116-36 1931 A's * 31 107-45 1984 Tigers 30 104-58 1986 Mets 27 108-64 1961 Yankees 26 109-53 1970 Orioles 25 108-54
This list includes only teams that I thought to look up. It's possible other teams could crack the list.
Seriously, don't you just laugh every time you see the 2001 Mariners with 116 wins?
And, related to nothing... check out this dude's impression of Chris "Mad Dog" Russo's rant on the NFL. Here's the original to compare against. Amazing.
June 12, 2007
WWE.com Has Some Quick Web Producers
Last night's episode of RAW ended around 11:05 p.m. ET with an explosion. The kind you may have expected in the Sopranos finale.
Instead of Tony, however, it was WWE chairman Vince McMahon who was presumed dead after sliding into a limo that was subsequently blown to smithereens.
WWE.com was quick to act, posting the above splash image on the company's official site. Timestamp: 11:07 p.m. ET.
Damn, those web producers work fast. Collecting a just-shot photo from a cameraman who happened to be shooting limos that might blow up unexpectedly, and designing a splash page two minutes after a "live" event. Not to mention the grief they must've felt. Maybe they gave themselves three seconds to cry before selecting the perfect font.
Link: Vince McMahon in the news.
June 8, 2007
Rated-R Movie Premiers: Bring the Kids!
Today I came across this picture from the Hollywood premier of The 40-Year-Old Virgin.
There's director Judd Apatow. Of course, he'd be there.
There's his wife, Leslie Mann, who played Nicky. Probably not too hard to land that role.
And there's their daughter Maude. Who looks kinda young. Who's attending a Hollywood premier of a movie that references fuck buddies, butthole pleasures and the Cincinnati Bowtie, tits that feel like bags of sand, fucking during Murder, She Wrote on a plastic-covered couch, and a character who says he's got friends who fuck guys (in jail).
It just didn't feel like a kids' movie, ya know? Maybe there's some Hollywood kiddie pen where children play while the adults watch premiers. Else, these parents have a little early 'splaining to do.
I hope she's not going around school repeating, "I love it when balls are in my face."
June 6, 2007
I'd Know That Underwater Lapdance Anywhere
As someone who has seen, for the first time, It's a Wonderful Life, Pulp Fiction and Shrek (the first) in only the past 12 months, I'm not exactly a movie buff. But what knowledge I lack about Bergman, I make up for with Berkley.
Thus, I am proud to announce that I scored 9 out of 10 on this celebrity sex/nude scene movie quiz, using line drawings as clues. (I missed No. 9, even though I have seen the scene a few times. Argh.)
See how well you do. This is the one time you're actually encouraged to think with your dick.
Low-scorers might want to bone up, so to speak, at the Celebrity Nudity Database, which is currently featuring the headline Clay Aiken Stinks Up Plane. Wouldn't want to you to go all day without that intelligence.