PaulKatcher.com

Goodbye, 2006, You Were Great

I'm hitting the road for New Year's, so you won't be hearing from me for about a week. Thanks for all your readership this year, and best of luck to all in 2007.

Last week, in observance of Festivus, I recapped all the things that disappointed me in 2006. In truth, I don't have bad days, just days that aren't as great as usual. And I'd like to end the blogging year on a positive note, highlighting those things that I really enjoyed.

As usual, you won't get much of a glimpse into my private life — it's defined as such for a reason. Rather, I touch on familiar banal interests I typical document in this space. Trust that 2006 was a great year all around, and there's not enough time in the day to get to everything.

• I Didn't Die: My No. 1 goal every year is to not die. Before embarking on something, I might ask myself, "Will this kill me instantly?" If the answer is yes, I don't do it. Thus, I don't eat from NYC street vendors.

• Poker: My latest mutli-hour-a-day addiction, joining previous winners Guitar, Madden & GTA: Vice City for Playstation 2, Internet Surfing and all-time winner Yankees Baseball. I wrote about my first week playing poker online for real money (albeit at micro-stakes 5-cent/10-cent blinds). Around 20,000 hands later, I'm up to $418 on my $100 investment, which is +3,180 big blinds over a four-month period. I've found the competition at 10-cent/25-cent tables to be discernibly tougher (opponents play less trouble hands, actually re-raise in position to make decisions tough for opponents betting into them, and post much more often on poker forums), so I stick with the ultra-cheapies and play, in essence, for fun only.

Eventually, I'll convince myself that I should log much more time in the 25-cent arena, since I'm already average there, and I'm just leaving money on the table if I can ascend — as I did at the 10-cent games — from middle-of-the-road to consistent winner. A new blueprint will have to be crafted, of course.

Interestingly, my few $1/$2 stints at live casinos (profitable, overall) seemed easier to beat than 25-cent games online.

• Playstation Portable: God's gift to air travel. Even a game like Madden 07, with 22 players on the relatively small screen (though it is the largest in the portable game console category) works great, and I've got about 100 songs on the media card as well. A high percentage of PSP games listed on Metacritic received glowing reviews.

• Fantasy Fest: Could very well be the most fun week I've ever experienced. Definitely on the to-do list for 2007.

• Boston Massacre: How sweep it was when the Yankees went into Boston — up 1½ games in the AL East — for what was supposed to be a grueling, five-game, late-August series, only to leave the Red Sux in a pile of rubble. Manny Ramirez left Monday's series finale with a cramp in his right hamstring, and no one's seen him since. (Nice third-place finish, by the way.)

• New York Giants' Home Schedule: The games got bigger and bigger, from the season-opening Manning Bowl to the divisional swing game against the Redskins that was going to leave us either a hopeful 2-2 or hampered 1-3, to a battle for NFC supremacy against the Bears in prime time, to chance after chance after chance against the Cowboys, Eagles and Saints to get some kind of grip on a playoff spot. Ticket holders couldn't ask for anything more ... except for a team to show up once in awhile.

• DVR: My RCN service touted a new digital video recording service with a Tivo-like engine (abilities to search for scheduled programs by keyword, title and genre; record one program while watching another) for about $9 over what I was paying a month. And somehow I got five channels for each of the premium movie networks, like Skinemax, Showtime, The Movie Channel, Starz, etc., in additional to HBO, of which I was already a subscriber. Sounds too good to be true, but I ain't calling to complain about my bill.

• Traveling: Had great times in Key West, Las Vegas, San Diego, Chicago, South Florida, Jamaica and trips to Tampa, Philadelphia and Baltimore to see the Yanks. And then I came home to the best city in the world.

• Sales: I'm allergic to retail. Thank you, Internet, and all you've done to create immense competition among sellers.

• Yankees Fans: Another record attendance, both at home and on the road. Rest assured, our day is coming. These postseason disappointments have come just when personal publishing has exploded. But every Yankees blogger, podcaster, Photoshopper and YouTube junkie knows that when World Series championship No. 27 becomes reality, we're going to hit back twice as hard as we've taken over the past few years. If you're a Yankees hater, you're gonna loathe the Internet for at least a year after.

• Syracuse's Big East Tournament Run: What a week for Gerry McNamara. We went from a team unlikely to get an NCAA bid to a No. 5 seed in a four-day span. Many considered the super-sized Big East to be the best league in NCAA hoops history, we were the official champions. That's back-to-back, Jack.

• So Much More, But It's 2 a.m. and I Have to Pack... 2006 rocked.

Also See:

• My 2006 Web Finds — All my wacky-link posts in a 2006 that featured the "chili dog" sex act, a carpenter who got caught working in the nude (again), "Whores in the news" action figures, Atari 2600's cum-catching game, a contest to date Ron Jeremy, a bacon-flavored air-freshener and more!

Review: 'Rocky Balboa'

WARNING: POSSIBLE SPOILERS THROUGHOUT. I'm not a professional reviewer.

Viewed on its own, Rocky Balboa is Thousand Dollar Baby, a lame contender against the best of its boxing-movie breed. Considering the down slope of the Rocky franchise, however, it was a movie that had to be made, and it does a decent job of wrapping up the series without a bad aftertaste.

For 16 years, our last image of Rocky was winning a street fight against a pompous protégé, knocking out his cartoonish Don King-like promoter and winning back the love of his son, whom he saves from the trite perils of cigarettes and earrings. Rocky Balboa gives us a better ending to the series. Perhaps no more complex, but at least more satisfying and appropriate.

I generally don't enjoy sports movies, as I'm usually distracted by thoughts of why certain moments would never play out the same in real life. I imagine lawyers and military vets have the same issues with courtroom and war flicks, respectively. Rocky Balboa was filled with such unrealistic moments:

• Rocky is a restaurant owner (Adrian's, plastered with images of his deceased wife) of apparent meager means. He drives a crappy car, lives in a crappy apartment. Yet, everyone calls his name and asks for pictures. Any ultra-popular, universally recognizable sports legend can make a mint these days in appearances, licensing deals, and other forms of sports marketing.

• The bout between current champ and Mason Dixon is dreamed up because of a virtual ESPN video-game tournament that attempts to determine the greatest heavyweight of all time, regardless of era. Heading into his fight with Dixon, Balboa's record is stated as 57-23-1 with 54 KOs. Does that sound like a contender for No. 1 all-time to you?

• Dixon's promoter concocts the exhibition against Balboa, in part because it promises a purse of $15-20 million. Rocky's take, which should be as substantial, is never mentioned, as if it would have no effect on his life, or those of his son and brother-in-law Paulie, both of whom grind it our 9-to-5. Not to mention the quality of food at Adrian's.

• Too often, Rocky goes from forgotten has-been to iconic legend, whatever fits the story best at that particular time.

• However old Balboa is supposed to be in the film — this one came out 30 years after the original — it's ridiculous to think he could compete with a champion, in his prime, considered to be one of the top heavyweights ever. Insanely unbelievable.

These inconsistencies are important. But Rocky V — and to only a slightly lesser degree, the preposterous Rocky IV — left such a craptastic mess that I guess Sylvester Stallone saw it OK to leave a few elephants (don't look!) in the re-arranged room. Whatever, we'll take it.

In Rocky II through Rocky V, Rocky won the title, learned to not let fame and fortune make him soft, avenged a friend's death and battered a poster-boy for modern sports greed. The story in Rocky Balboa most closely mirrors that of the original: taking a best shot for no one else but yourself.

Three decades later, it still works. Just don't expect a masterpiece. Hollywood rarely attempts those.

Rocky Balboa is a sentimental journey, not just for the character, but for the viewer. I was reminded of times spent watching the early movies as a kid, spinning "Eye of the Tiger" repeatedly at 9 years old, running up the steps at the Philadelphia Museum of Art after attending a the 1992 NCAA lacrosse finals. In a movie in which Rocky reflects on his life, you kinda get to do the same.

Links:

Collection of Rocky Balboa reviews on Metacritic.

Rocky: IMBD | Wikipedia
Rocky II: IMBD | Wikipedia
Rocky III: IMBD | Wikipedia
Rocky IV: IMBD | Wikipedia
Rocky V: IMBD | Wikipedia
Rocky Balboa: IMBD | Wikipedia

My top 100 sports movie quotes.

Once Again, Giants Stadium Turns Into Swoon Lake

The picture to the right is what an originally sold-out stadium looks like when a football team takes NO snaps inside the opponent's side of the 50-yard line. When said opponent takes 65 of their 86 snaps on your side of the field. When your offensive line commits three personal foul penalties. When, after completing his first six passes, your top-overall-pick quarterback completes 3 of 19 passes for 14 yards.

That's what a stadium looks like when the Giants play a game that makes last year's home playoff debacle against the Panthers look like something worthy of a DVD. When your retiring star running back can't even get a last-minute ovation, because few people are in the stands, and none of them have cheered since the first quarter.

I've attended eight of the last nine Giants home games. here's how they went:

• 2005 Divisional Playoff vs. Panthers: LOSS. Abysmal 23-0 no-show.
• 2006 Opener vs. Colts: LOSS. Peyton Manning converts 9 of 11 third-down chances in first quarter. Zebras screw us in end as offense tries to bail out defense that couldn't get off the field.
• vs. Bucs: WIN. Defense dominates against one of NFL's worst offenses.
• vs. Texans: WIN. Scrape by against scrubs.
• vs. Bears: LOSS. Outclassed and embarrassed in second half.
• vs. Cowboys: LOSS. Tony Romo leads last-minute drive, leaves with clean uniform.
• vs. Eagles: LOSS. Defense again can't get off field, this time worked over by Jeff Garcia.
• vs. Saints: LOSS. A landmark in futility.

Here's how Big Blue has finished up three of its last four seasons:

• 2003: Lost final eight games after 4-4 start.
• 2004: Lost eight of last nine after 5-2 start.
• 2006: Have lost six of seven after 6-2 start.

Yet, we're still in good position for a playoff berth with a win at Washington on Saturday night. If we win, we're in at 8-8 if Green Bay loses, or if the Packers win and we beat them in a strength of victory tie-breaker, which we're well ahead of right now.

Incredibly, a team that finds new ways to embarrass itself, a team that hasn't had a coverage sack all season — because it can neither pressure the quarterback nor cover receivers — is one measly win against 5-10 Washington from heading to the playoffs.

I'm just glad I won't be watching in person.

Happy Festivus 2006!

Gather 'round the aluminum pole, boys and girls, Festivus is upon us. As is customary on this occasion, I shall share thoughts on what disappointed me this year:

• ESPN.com's Fantasy Football Commercials: Ya know the ones featuring Reggie Bush, where he scooped up Larry Johnson with the No. 1 pick? Well, I had the No. 1 pick for the first time ever in a 12-team league that I've been in since the early '90s ... and selected L.J. instead of LaDainian Tomlinson. I subsequently lost in the semifinals to the No. 1 seed, which picked L.T. No. 2 overall. Maybe if that damn commercial didn't run a million times, things would have been different. Selecting Kurt Warner with my third pick (23rd overall) didn't help matters.

• Tony Romo and Michael Vick: Remember when Romo threw for five touchdowns — something he might never do again — on Thanksgiving Day? I was playing against him in both of my fantasy football leagues. That was the worst, until Michael Vick threw for four touchdowns — something he might never do again — to help knock out both of my fantasy football teams in the playoffs.

• The Knicks: I want my basketball team back. It's like the franchise moved away. No one could possibly care about this club right now.

• Syracuse's Football Team: Ditto. I used to watch every down of every game, now I forget till Sunday that they even had a game the day before. Big East record in the last two years combined: 1-13.

• The Whole A-Rod Shit: The "What's Wrong With A-Rod?" thing is absolutely inescapable. I've never seen anything like it. The oddest part is that even the most dedicated fan can't see evidence of why the guy merits 1,000 newspaper columns and blog posts a day. Sure, his track record indicates he should be doing more in that lineup — maybe 10-15% more — but the soap opera bullshit is completely behind the scenes and unapparent to me, at least.

• Nacho Libre: It didn't just blow, it deep-throated a horse.

• That Rocky Balboa Had to Be Made: I'll get into this more when I review the film next week.

• That My Fall Softball Team Got Jobbed out of a $1,000 First Prize: We bested 30 teams, only to hear the commish tell us, at the season-ending trophy ceremony, that "we did away with that this this year."

• The Giants' Defense: I waited the entire Colts game for them to make a momentum-changing stop. I'm still waiting. I'll be at Giants Stadium on Sunday for Tiki Barber's last home game, but I'm not giving this team anything. I'm not gonna try to fire up the kick-coverage unit, which hasn't made a single stick all year. I'm not getting up for the defense on third-and-long, only to see a marginal QB convert under no pressure. I'm not doing anything but sitting back, relaxing and watching some ball.

• Air Travel: Man, I've had some bad luck this year. Not so much with check-in and security, but delays all over the place. And then the captain comes on with this soothing voice and straight up lies about taking off or coming out of the holding pattern in "just a few minutes."

• South Beach: God bless anyone who invested millions into that area, which has gone from Versace to Sean Jean in a blink. Wet Willie's — the Fat Tuesday-like joint — was the most crowded place on Ocean Drive on a Saturday night. I remember a Fat Tuesday on the street always being empty — I think it's gone now — because people chose more more upscale options. But the high-energy, high-fashion uniqueness of the area seemed dead.

• TIME's Person of the Year: The franchise is ruined forever. R.I.P.

• Eli Manning: You have to think his ceiling isn't as high as once believed.

• Game Shows as Prime-Time TV: People risking big money they desperately need on coin-flips = horrific form of entertainment.

• Jim & Pam on The Office: Hate seeing my favorite show chick-ified. Wish I could hit the SAP button to delete the sap.

• Brett Favre and Roger Clemens: One of those dudes has to retire NOW, else have Clemens go under center for the Packers and Favre hurl pitches for whomever the Rocket plans to whore his services in 2007.

• Dane Cook: I'm off the Dane Train until he stops trying to nail catchphrases in every bit.

What I Learned Watching 'Revenge of the Nerds'

I re-watched Revenge of the Nerds for the first time in a long time the other day, and I was reminded of all the many things the move has taught me over the years. What follows are some of those lessons:

IMDB | Script | Quotes

1. To calculate the number of boobs on campus, take the total number of students, multiply by the percent of females on campus, divide by 100, then multiply by two. At Adams college, there are 7107.32 boobs.

2. When staring at rows of cots in a gym, you will lose it if you don't move it. Sound advice from Coach Harris, who was never a fan of social bullshit.

3. Those Mus sure can party. Not only that, but they can sing. "So I say I gotta be free. So I say I gotta be me." Everbody!

4. Fred Palowakski does not go by his real name. It's "Ogre, you asshole."

5. A two and four kings is a bad poker hand. Too many kings, for sure. Best to take out a few of the kings and replace them with three fresh cards.

6. Rape is OK if you fuck good. This part is kinda uncomfortable to watch. Louis tricks Betty into thinking she's making sexy time with Stan — which I guess is nonconsensual consensual sex — and, upon finding out the truth, she falls for the dork, instead of filing charges against him. I'm surprised Worser didn't build a robot that pries a girl's legs open while she sleeps and he bangs her from behind. (This blog post has more on the sexual assult of Ms. Childs, along with murders committed by Mr. Palowakski.)

7. Black people are more threatening than white people. Another odd scene at the end, where Gilbert is about to prove whether or not shit floats, only to be saved by the mere presence of an all-black Tri-Lam contingent. (Cue the bass run!) Generally, a college football team isn't gonna be intimidated by anyone, but these guys were black, ya see. Man, I get the shivers just thinking about it.

8. When a stoned girl asks "Do you wanna fuck or what?" the answer is ALWAYS yes. Save the debate on whether one would rather live in the ascendancy of a civilization or during its decline for another day.

9. Some asses kinda grow on you. To this day, I will ask friends about any random hot chick on the street: "How could you ever get tired of that ass, Takashi?"

10. No one's really gonna be free until nerd persecution ends. Or so says Gilbert. That fucking tool.

Win at Cards By Staring at Tits

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• I should be poker millionaire by now
• Stripper: Troy Smith will be great pro
• NYSE traders fight over Giants-Eagles
• Photo: Be careful who you sit behind
• Video: Johnny Knoxville vs. USC football team
• Shawne Merriman honored in 'roids season
• Study: Sense of smell underrated
• Bode Miller misses his mobile trailer
• eBay: Fridge's Super Bowl XX ring (sorta)
• eBay: Moss' "Lambeau Moon" photo print
• Titans have "director of mascot operations"
• Writer gives ticket-scalping a shot
• ... and check out my SbB archived posts.

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Letter to Santa Retuned to Sender

For generations, children have mailed letters to Santa Claus, and postmasters — given limited address information — knew exactly where to deliver them. In the trash can.

Not so in northern Illinois, where last week one of two 4-year-old twin boys had his letter to Santa returned with the notation "Return to Sender, Insufficient Address, Unable to Forward."

Eric Gilmore's letter was addressed:
To: Santa
North Pole

You'd think that would be enough. You don't exactly need MapQuest to find Santa's place at the North Pole.

The Gilmore family is being good sports about the gaffe, made worse by the fact that only little Eric's letter was returned, while brother Evan's reached its appropriate landfill destination. I was in Chicago last week and saw on the local news that arrangements were made to expedite a correct delivery to the North Pole, and the boys received an apologetic phone call from dad's office Santa himself.

Next year, Eric should pen a letter addressed:
To: Postmaster
Uranus

On a happier note, the boys were named Person of the Year by TIME magazine on Sunday.

Congrats on Being Named TIME's Person of the Year. (Yeah, You)

It used to be that, in order to be named TIME's Person of the Year, you had to do something world-changing or globally inspiring. Like be the first man to fly across the Atlantic Ocean. Or stare down Adolf Hilter. Or lead the race to the moon. (See archive.)

Now all you have to do is breathe.

Sunday, TIME announced that "You" is the Person of the Year. Congratulations, um, everyone.

What I wouldn't have given to have been in the TIME meeting when the finalists were debated. A section editor probably made a pitch for a leader or two in politics. Serious consideration was likely given to someone in science, or entertainment, or philanthropy. And then a staffer said, "Hey, how about every single person in the entire world. That ought to sell copies." It's something Dwight Schrute would come up with, if Dunder-Mifflin were a publishing company.

Sex offenders, drug dealers, serial killers and even Curt Schilling, take a bow. You've joined the likes of Martin Luther King, Jr., Franklin D. Roosevelt and "The Computer" (who was unavailable for comment back in 1982).

This is truly a great day to be alive. Because, if you're alive, you're the Person of the Year. So, I guess the clown who leaped into the Yankee Stadium netting last year really did make something of himself.

Today's News:

• Condoms 'Too Big' For Indian Men — And your buddy Samir wonders why no chicks reply to his Match.com mail. (Found on Airing of Grievances)

• Vincent Gallo Ups Price for Sex With Him — The days of the $50,000 bang with Gallo are gone. Now it costs 100 large. Total sales to date: 0.

While I'm Gone, Stay to the Right

I'm leaving on a jet plane again, this time to Chicago for a few days. This might be the last post till Friday or later, so I'll just throw out some links I've saved up that I hope aren't too stale.

I'm leaving New York for the holiday-season tourists to enjoy. They are easy to spot. Just look for mustaches, parted hair, straight-leg jeans, and shirts tucked in said jeans. And major stumblage once a subway car starts rolling. (I always love that one.)

They also tend to clog up our sidewalks, a straight-up no-no to any speed-walking local like myself. I dig the tourists' spirit — I travel a bit myself, as you surely have gathered — but they could use a lesson in the flow of people-traffic. Thus, I highly recommend viewing a Drinking With Bob video rant titled "Stay to the Right!"

Other Web Finds:

• PBase: Bolton Perry Fantasy Fest 2006 Photos — These are probably the best I've uncovered. (And I will not stop till I find them all!) Anyway, the link goes to some excellent work on Wednesday and Thursday nights. He has a separate gallery for Friday and Saturday nights. Make sure to view the "original" size — which can be selected on the individual photos' pages — for all the booty-ful goodness.

• Elderly Man Misplaces Wife on Trip From New York to Florida — I've heard of losing an old bag at the airport, but not like this. (Thanks, Art)

• Thieves Take Advantage of Gift Cards Sold Off In-Store Racks — One more reason to not buy that $50 gift card from Office Max. As if there weren't 1,000 other reasons. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• 2007 Yankees Holiday Ticket Packs on Sale — I bought packs #1 and #6 Monday. Came to $385 for 34 tickets over 17 games in the nose-bleeds around first and third bases. Not bad, not great. I don't mind the view, but finding partners for all those games is gonna be a bitch. At least I'll see Opening Day and Andy Pettitte's return in Game 2 or 3.

• Atomic Wedgie Costume — I almost bought this one for Fantasy Fest, but went with Tickle My Elmo instead. I still think it's funny, but may be best among friends, and not thousands of strangers with cameras.

• Animated Porn Makes Moves — When wanking to live humans just won't do. How much porn do you have to spank to to get tired of that?

• News Video: Speedbandits — Hot Danish chicks are slowing down traffic by posing topless with speed-limit signs. Mayor Bloomberg has got to get on this. (Thanks, Pee Wee)

• The 5 Most Un-Athletic Sports Movie Performances — Who hasn't wanted to grab a bat against Harris in Major League and knock the shit out of that greaseball junk he throws up there?

• Video Collection: How to Combat Hecklers Without Calling Them Niggers — A Metafilter contributor rounded up a ton of YouTube evidence of battles between comedians and audience members.

• Video: Pauly Shore Gets Knocked the Fuck Out by Texan Heckler — What the fuck is going on in these clubs? Gotta be some kind of lawsuit coming out of this one. Then again, the assailant dressed for a night on the town as if he was going to a rodeo, so god knows how many hundreds he's got saved up.

Just When I Thought I Was Out, the Giants Pull Me Back In

The Giants are like the weather in San Francisco. If you don't like 'em, wait a few minutes.

A week after the season low-point, a fourth straight loss that all but closed the door on back-to-back NFC East championships, New York took control in a tough stadium and ensured that Sunday's game against Philly will be another big one, the kind a season-ticket holder dreams about in Week 14.

I've said it before: when the Giants go well, those seats are like gold. Our $85 seats can fetch $200 (not that I care about the money; I'm not selling mine). And we've had a slew of $200 games: vs. the Colts, Bears and Cowboys, with the Eagles to follow and a subsequent matchup against the Saints on Christmas Eve. In a season that some diagnosed as DOA before the start — due to a brutal schedule — we're assured of having all eight home games matter big-time (really matter, not like those Week 16 playoff scenarios where some 7-9 team is "alive" but needs to score 152 points and get help from four teams). That's some cool shit.

Of course, we're no longer the conference power we pretended to be after 8½ games, with a 6-2 record and a 13-3 lead over the Bears with under two minutes left in the first half (and down only 4 with 1st-and-10 from the Chicago 29 with 12:29 remaining in the fourth quarter).

But a dreadful final 12 minutes be damned, we were right there against the Bears. We were right there against the Colts. We were right there against the Titans (obviously). We were right there against the Cowboys. There are no moral victories in the NFL — the season is too damned short — but 12 teams make the playoffs, and not all of them can roll in at 13-3.

Can we win the final two home games, finish off 4-9 Washington and end up a fairly strong 10-6? Any team good enough to win at Philly, at Dallas, at Atlanta and at Carolina should have a chance to do that.

That's how I feel this week, but so much can change. As it has for the Titans, who blew ass in losing their first five games and are now the masters of the thrilling victory. As it has for Jaguars, who lost the the Texans twice, but throttled both Manning brothers, including a destruction of the Colts on Sunday. As it has for Indy, which started 9-0, yet has outscored its opponents by only 3.6 points per game. As it has for the Cowboys, who got booed out of their own building a week reaching the high-water mark in the Parcells era.

Things change in this league. It ain't just the Giants. So I'll keep the faith until the roller-coaster is over. And hope to not wind up puking in my lap.

Other NFL Thoughts:

• I hate Plaxico Burress. He's just not good enough to act like he does. He makes some plays. So does every other NFL receiver. And he finds a new way to piss me off every week. Quitting. Penalties. Showing up Eli. Sunday he dropped a ball (after complaining about not getting it prior) and made us waste a timeout on a challenge, when he should have indicated that he dropped it in the first place.

• FOX showed a stat where Jeff Feagles had the lowest punting average in the league. A meaningless note, I thought, as I know Feagles isn't the NFL's worst punter. In fact, he consistently nails his target, which is right on the sideline. Of course, angling kicks will take some distance off, but almost eliminates the risk of a big return. Through the first 12 games, Feagles punted 53 times and allowed only 22 returns (for 158 yards). Sunday, he punted 9 times and allowed only three returns (for 11 yards). Even more impressive is his ratio of kicks inside the 20 compared to touchbacks. Heading into Sunday, it was 16:3. Last year it was 26:3. Compare that to your punting leaders. FOX just threw up the stat as if it meant something without explanation. Bad job there.

• This note appeared at the end of the Giants-Panthers recap: "The Giants improved to 2-11 in the past three seasons when defensive end Michael Strahan doesn't play." He must be good.

• Through the first 12 weeks, none of the top 30 punters had a punt blocked. Shows ya how good these guys are compared to college, huh?

• LaDainian Thomlinson: 29 touchdowns. Are you fucking kidding me? I've been doing this fantasy football stuff for 15 years. Twenty-nine fucking touchdowns from a running back? Of course, I chose Larry Johnson with my No. 1 pick, which I won't see again for 12 years.

• Terrell Owens topped Mr. Irrelevant's survey of 2006's most-blogged-about sports figures that I contributed to. I still stick with A-Rod (No. 4) as the far-and-away most-blogged-about athlete. There are way more baseball blogs than there are ones dedicated to other American sports. And their content is more intensive, as dictated by a 162-game season and customary statistical arguments.

Andy Pettitte Returns to the Yankees:

This was truly an early Christmas present, and a great surprise upon returning from Jamaica, where I was seriously out of the sports loop. I don't care if he brings his boyfriend, Roger, with him or not. A rotation of Chien-Ming Wang, Pettitte and Mike Mussina should be good enough to complement whatever we get out of Randy Johnson, Carl Pavano and whoever else might get a look (Philip Hughes and Humberto Sanchez?).

We'll hear the same "no pitching" mantra from the haters. We'll hear that the Yankees don't have a "true No. 1," even though Wang finished second in the AL Cy Young voting.

Sixteen million is a lot to pay a guy who isn't a true No. 1, but like many others, Pettitte is worth more to the Yankees than he is to anyone else. He brings headlines, he'll sell merchandise to the chicks, he'll add to the brand. More than, say, Jason Schmidt. Of course, nothing builds the Yankees brand like winning, but there's a track record there, as well.

Leaving the Country to Avoid the Giants

The only reason I didn't kill myself after attending the Giants' fourth straight loss Sunday was that I was less than 12 hours away from leaving for Jamaica.

The country, not Jamaica, Queens. Then I would have really killed myself.

Three times this season we hosted the NFL's game of the week: vs. the Colts, Bears and Cowboys. Three times I gave everything I could to help the crowd be the 12th Man, and three times I walked out of Giants Stadium wanting to kick a cat.

I need a hammock and a drink. See ya next week.

The Sports Figures I Blogged About Most in 2006

Jamie Mottram, who runs the Mr. Irrelevant sports blog, contacted me last week to participate in a survey of most blogged-about sports figures of 2006. We're supposed to rank the people we wrote most about, and Jamie will follow up with a post tabulating the results.

Of couse, this study may be skewed based on what the selected sports bloggers generally touch on, which are principals of their favorite teams. What makes my participation even less scientific is that most of my sports "writing" is throwing out links on SportsByBrooks every Wednesday. What I blog about may not be consistent with the biggest news of the day, but rather the ugliest NASCAR fanny pack I find on eBay.

So, I will take an educated guess at the 10 sports figures I mentioned most this year. If you think I actually went back and counted the number citations, you're out of your fucking mind.

1. Alex Rodriguez — This guy is a blogger's dream. The SABRmetric fans argue — using the most modern of formulas — whether he's an under-appreciated commodity or a choker galore. The Photoshoppers plaster his face on every gay porno box cover they can find. The MySpace fraternity sets F5 on their keyboard to automatically spit out "A-Rod sucks."

As a Yankees fan, you cannot help but write about him. You can criticize the media for over-hyping everything A-Rod does (or does not do). You can swear off writing about him till something truly significant happens. And then he'll disappear in a big series and trap you into writing about whether it was significant or not. A-Rod = sports blog crack.

2. Derek Jeter — Where there's an A-Rod mention, a note on Jeter is sure to follow. His overall worth a subject of debate for years, Jeter came through with what many considered an MVP season. Still up in the air: whether he did enough to quiet the storm surrounding A-Rod. Acting like a White House press secretary, we gleaned as much from what he didn't say as what he did.

3. Tiki Barber — May retire as the second-greatest player in Giants history, behind Lawrence Taylor.

4. Eli Manning — The noose is tightening after seven straight poor starts. If his name wasn't Manning, he'd be sitting more firmly on the low end of the Bust/Weapon meter. Yet he's got a division title under his belt and is challenging for another.

5. Terrell Owens — The one man I hope to see injured every week. An abomination of a professional sportsman.

6. Brett Favre. — Transcript from the Monday Night Football booth earlier this week: "Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre."

7. Isiah Thomas. — Imagine Reggie Jackson taking over the St. Louis Cardinals and turning them into such an irrelevant disgrace that you almost forgot he was a Hall of Fame player.

8. Randy Johnson. — Bet he wished the cameras were out of his face when he posted a 5.00 ERA over a 200-inning season. He did rank seventh in the AL in batting average against (.250) and eighth in WHIP (1.24). It doesn't really add up.

9. Peyton Manning. Handles adulation and criticism with class. All eyes are on him every game, yet he never seems to crumble under the pressure. Charges that he's weak are weak. Of all the things that cost the Colts playoff victories in recent years, lack of mettle in their quarterback was the least of them. Never wins a big one? That's hard to do when you challenge for the best NFL's best record every season. His teams lost to the Super Bowl-winning Patriots and Steelers. So did everyone else's teams.

10. Barbaro. I probably wrote about him displaying an incredible to will to live. And so would you if, for the rest of your life, all you were expected to do was fuck a lot.