PaulKatcher.com

Nets Hold Senior Dance Team Tryouts

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Hot! Jersey! Grandmas!
• Find right paint colors for your home team
• Aussie jerseys act to carry scoreboard data
• 20th anniversary of Tyson-Berbick fight
• Treadmill wins again against buffoon
• Caption contest: Jalen Rose singing
• Video: Pee Wee hockey fight
• North Texas to name practice facility after fired coach
• Jersey presented to Nikki Sixx already on eBay
• Video: Madden at his best (worst?) Sunday night
• PS3's first NBA game sucks
• baseball-reference.com now has decades of box scores
• ... and check out my SbB archived posts.

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Cheapskates Rejoice! Black Friday Is Almost Here

Only one thing could settle my stomach while watching the Giants' all-around wretched performance Monday night: the thought of getting a good deal later in the week, when the ceremonial holiday shopping season commences.

My need to save a buck is so fierce that I almost wish something in my apartment would break so that I can buy a spiffy, new model Friday for 40% off retail. If you're not sure that actually makes sense, understand you're reading a guy who pays an obscene garage fee to park a car he drives every two weeks, yet doesn't purchase a book online without cross-checking at least five retailers to save $1.25. Sometimes it's all about the chase.

Following are some resources to keep handy if you're a cheap bastard like me. (And god help you if you bought an HDTV last week.)

• BFads.net — Bills itself as the "official" site for this unofficial event. Um, OK. But still, a lot of informational blog posts to go along with a database of sales, sorted by such retailers as Best Buy, Circuit City and a host of other stores with salespeople who know nothing about what they sell.

• CNET Photos: Black Friday Deals — Nine selected products, with images, commentary and links to CNET's prior, related reviews.

• CyberMonday.com — A site named after the day that online retailers expect the largest amount of business. Though I don't think there's any advantage to waiting until Monday to purchase from them. Clicking links to stores through this site raises money for the Ray M. Greenly Scholarship Fund, established in the name of a cancer victim to provide financial support to students pursuing careers in the e-commerce industry.

• MSN's 2006 Holiday Tech Guide — Tips on how to buy certain products, top-five picks for various categories and advice on how to avoid web shopping annoyances.

• TIME: Web Shopping Guide 2006 — Selected products for various personalities, with a little more originality than some general guides that can be a little tech-heavy.

• DealNews.com — Continuously updated news about what's going down, price-wise, online. Solid descriptions, photos and links.

• Is Black Friday The Biggest Shopping Day of the Year in the U.S.? — Snopes' data indicates not usually, but that's starting to change as people take advantage of excellent online deals in the comfort of their homes, without dealing with the crowds at brick-and-mortar stores.

• Wikipedia: Black Friday — Explains the origin of the shopping day, as well as backlash and controversy over online posting of ads in advance of their intended release.

Is LaDainian Tomlinson Football's Greatest-Ever L.T.?

Some thoughts on a big weekend in sports:

CHARGERS 35, BRONCOS 27:
LaDainian Tomlinson needs a new nickname. There's just not enough room in pro football history for two guys named L.T. There should never be another hoopster who goes by M.J. or another hockey player known as Espo. I don't care how great the next guy is, or what his driver's license says. But that doesn't mean Tomlinson can't be considered the greatest L.T. to ever play football.

After scoring four touchdowns Sunday night — finishing his 89th game with 102 career TDs — the time is now to rank Tomlinson not only among the greatest running backs of all time, but with the NFL's best ever, at any position.

Comparing individual football players always involves the proverbial apples and oranges. It's too much of a team sport to give credit for things done — and not done — without considering teammates, opponents or generation. Sometimes you just have to recognize an all-time talent and leave it at that. Lawrence Taylor was one. LaDainian Tomlinson is another. But the Chargers running back is only 27, and he sure is making a case for being the greatest L.T. in pro football history.

• Tomlinson was selected fifth in the 2001 NFL draft, behind Michael Vick (Atlanta), Leonard Davis (Arizona), Gerard Warren (Cleveland) and Justin Smith (Cincinnati). He dusts 'em all, including Vick, who is a legend only in terms of Madden 2004. In Bill Simmons' latest mailbag, a reader noted that no one outside Atlanta is overly impressed with Vick's typical game stats of "9-for-19, 105 yards, no TDs, 1 INT, 8 rushes, 90 yards, 1 fumble." On Sunday, Vick went 11-for-21, 127 yards, 1 TD, no INTs, 6 rushes, 54 yards, 0 fumbles, in a loss at Baltimore. Talk about dead on. And generally unimpressive. Vick's 8.5 yards per carry (704 yards on 83 rushes) in 2006 is absolutely sick, but his 140 completions in 10 games is horrid.

• Great job by John Madden on Sunday night, when he lauded Tomlinson for not putting on a celebratory show after his historic scores. That's a pro, man. When you're that bad-ass, you don't have to remind people to pay attention to ya. They already do.

• Jake Plummer ... 13-for-28, 183 yards, 0 TDs, 1 INT, two fumbles. Yikes.

COWBOYS 21, COLTS 14
As a Giants fan, this one hurt, as it would've meant playing in Jacksonville on Monday with house money. As it is, we need to win to keep a one-game cushion and a tie-breaker over the Cowboys, whom we dismantled in Dallas a few weeks back with a much healthier team.

Next week, Dallas hosts Tampa Bay, and we visit Tennessee. The most likely scenario for the Giants (1-1 against the Jags and Titans, while the Cowboys beat the Bucs) would be an NFC East tie when Dallas rolls into the Meadowlands on Dec. 3, with a chance to take a one-game lead and solidify a head-to-head tie-breaker with four to play. (That game, thankfully, has been protected by FOX to not get moved to NBC's 8:15 p.m. slot. I'll be there in a semi-psychotic state.)

• Mike Vanderjagt ... Missed both field-goal attempts (from 43 and 46 yards out) in a nail-biter against his old team. Yikes.

OHIO STATE 42, MICHIGAN 39
I picked up this game at 7-7, and watched every remaining play at a bar with the sound inaudible. (Notice I didn't say "off." The sound was on, but not loud enough to hear the commentary, which was doubly maddening.) Whenever I watch games like that, it's like reading a book instead of waiting for the movie. Your impressions cannot be influenced by booth "experts," or whichever prime-time drama star happens to show up because he works for the network and grew up in the state.

And my impression, the whole way through, was that Ohio State performed much better than Michigan, with as much separation as any three-point game could provide.

Ohio State lucked out on one play, when Chad Henne missed a wide-open Mario Mario Manningham, on what should have been an early score. But Michigan lucked out twice when OSU turned the ball over on bad snaps, which the Wolverines did nothing to force, other than to line up 11 men on defense.

It would have been worse — and it should have been worse — for Michigan, which does not deserve, at this point, a re-match for the national championship. If you're gonna hype the game like it was, you have to respect the final and not relegate to a moot point, giving the Wolverines a free pass and not allowing Ohio State a rubber match if the national championship goes the other way.

You simply cannot endorse a situation where Big Ten runner-up Michigan could finish 12-1 (and 1-1 against Ohio State) and be awarded the national championship over 12-1 Big Ten champ Ohio State (who would be 1-1 against Michigan).

• Less than an hour after the Buckeyes' 42-39 victory, the lucky numbers in the Ohio State lottery were 4-2-3-9. The state lost money on the drawing, as 401 $1 bets picked the correct order, while 913 more bets included 4-2-3-9 in some arrangement.

• This blog post analyzes, in order of pro potential, the 15 possible NFL draft picks that took part in the big game.

Other Sports Thoughts:

• USC is 43-2 in its last 45 football games, since a triple-overtime loss to Cal in September 2003. Those losses came in last year's title game against Texas (which they led with less than half-a-minute to go) and a a two-point loss at Oregon State last month (in which they failed a 2-point conversion to tie with seven seconds left). Absolutely incredible.

• A rite of summer is to bitch about the way baseball is going, by writing a list of top 10 ways to fix the game or some shit. Well, the 8-year, $136-million deal the Cubs have agreed to pay Alfonso Soriano hints at how prosperous things have been under Bud Selig.

• If Barry Bonds really does sign with the A's as a free agent, will Giants fans finally admit they cheered for a total ass for 14 seasons?

Playstation 3 Released to Major Loons Nationwide

While walking to lunch Thursday afternoon, I noticed about a dozen young, black and Latino men camped out in front of Circuit City. Not just standing in line, but chilling in beach chairs, as one might at at tailgate. Last I checked, the Broadway sidewalk between 79 and 80 Streets wasn't the biggest party in town — especially at 2 p.m. I had to find out what was up.

"Nintendo Wii coming out or something?" I asked one of the dudes.

"Yeah," he replied.

"When, like midnight?" I asked.

"No, tomorrow," he said.

I walked away with not just a giggle, but a full-on chuckle. That was some funny shit.

So, I get to Brother Jimmy's for the 1,000th time this year, I tell the bartender what I saw, and he says some of those guys have been coming in for food ... in shifts ... since Tuesday! (And it was for Playstation 3, not Wii. I assume the guy I asked knew the difference but was too tired of answering questions to care.)

I'm just floored by the whole thing. Getting in line on Tuesday for something that comes out on Friday? Good lord.

Turns out PS3 systems are commanding thousands of dollars on eBay, as supplies are apparently quite scare — the local Circuit City reportedly has only 15 to sell.

Not surprisingly, skirmishes sprouted up in lines across the country, and at least one GameStop was robbed at gunpoint. I would've gone after diamond rings, but what do I know?

You can bet none of the people standing in line are going to keep the unit, but rather will turn it over for profit to those too rich and too busy to sit through Thursday night's downpour in NYC. The Internet fuels the secondary market in a huge way. You can only imagine how many NBA and NFL players have hired a member of their entourage to score one on eBay or Craig's List. What's the difference between $500 and $5,000 to an NBA star who makes $15 million a year (almost $190,000 per game)? Hell, you don't even have to be a star to make $15 mil, you just have to play for the Knicks.

All this for a new console that an MSNBC contributor says lacks a "wow" factor. Could've fooled me.

Also See: PS3 game reviews

Today's Web Finds:

• Jesus Dolls Rejected From Toys for Tots Program — Imagine how disappointed the kids will be when they don't get a button-activated Jesus that sprouts such Scripture such as "I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again."

• Flickr: jerbec's Fantasy Fest Photos — Lots of nice, posed shots. Some familiar faces.

• Superman & Comic References on Seinfeld — I thought there were more, but it turns out there is not a Superman reference in every episode.

• Pam Beasley's Blog on MySpace — Looks like Jenna Fischer, who plays Pam on The Office, really does maintain an active MySpace page. And again, I want the whole Jim-Pam thing to encounter a quick, painless death. Less schmoopy, more Vance Refrigeration.

• Video: Clumsiest Burglar Ever — When you try to break into a liquor store — after you've already drank too much — things fall through. Literally. Beginning with the roof. (Thanks, Scott)

• Suggested Titles for O.J.'s Next 16 Books — These are pretty funny, including "Why I Did What I Didn't Do" and " I Killed My Ex-Wife and Her Friend in a Jealous Rage ... Not!"

• Study Finds Web Isn't Teeming with Sex — Clearly, said study did not wade through my bookmarks.

• Bands and Musicians as LEGO People — Pretty good stuff. My fave is Flava Flav, by far.

• 10 Best Extensions for Firefox 2 — According to my site stats, two-thirds of PK.com visitors still use IE, which I found surprising. And 1.3% use Netscape, which may or may not still launch with news warning of the Y2K bug.

For the Basketball Fan Who has Everything (But Two Balls in the Ass)

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Basketball chair or penis? You decide!
• Oldie but goodie: Jesus sports action figures
• "When Will Daisuke Matsuzaka's Arm Fall Off?"
• Pic: Favre greets Vikes' live mascot after game
• Hockey players suspended for possible teabagging
• Pee Wee football brawl caught on tape
• Kidding, right? Lundardi's Bracketology already out
• Happy birthday to Randy "Macho Man" Savage
• L.A. Times catches up with Stanford's "Trombone Guy"
• Collection of Chris "Mad Dog" Russo mistakes
• eBay: Four Michigan-Ohio State tix sell for $15,000
• Schilling's baseball-reference.com sponsor digs at his weight
• ... and check out my SbB archived posts.

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

eBay: Bacon-Flavored Air Freshener

It used to be that if you wanted to treat your automobile passengers to a stench of bacon, you had to plant an 8 oz. package of Oscar Mayer center cut under a mat in the August heat. Thankfully, those days are over, now that a bacon-flavored air freshener is available on eBay.

Of course, the term "freshener" is relative in this case. I guess you could call it accurate if your car typically smells like sweaty feet, or if you're transporting people back from Shea Stadium.

In any case, this is a great gift for the upcoming holiday season. Though I suppose you could find something a little more appropriate for Hanukkah.

Today's Web Finds:

• Video: Chick's Irritable Bowel Turns Hot Tub Into Chocolate Soup — I always suspect these clips of being scripted, but the reactions of fellow hot-tubbers are exactly what you'd expect if someone explodes a load of ass-coffee into the water. (Found on Gorilla Mask)

• Philadelphia Inquirer: Comics and Critics Question the Rise of Dane Cook — I'm kinda down on the guy myself. Guess I just dig the solid joke-telling structure of Dave Attell's work over Cook's rock-star shows and rambling bits, in which he seems to try to coin a new catch phrase in each one. (Thanks, Tim)

• Wikipedia: Gays, Illinois — Why are there only 259 people in the town? Well, they all moved to Homoville, of course.

• My 50 Favorite Blogging Resources — Well, not actually mine, but someone else's. Plenty of links to better understand writing, marketing, usability, spam-fighting, etc.

• Airplane Sex Guide — An illustrated instructional on everything from over-the-seat blowjob to sex in the lavatory to everyone's favorite, autofellatio. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• David Epstein's Fantasy Fest Photos on PBase — I continue to find it fascinating that these FF albums contain pictures of people that, for the most part, are not looking at the camera. As I explained in my report, it's not always possible to catch someone's eye perfectly — even after they've agreed to take a shot — because so many camerapersons are trying to get their own shot, and it can be distracting. But you can also tell who was just trolling around for pics and not participating in the fun, as there should be a few recurring subjects (friends on various nights) and some of the photographer himself, if he handed off his camera, like I did, a bunch of times.

• Tony and Cheri's Fantasy Fest Report and Pics — Now, this is much better. Tons of posed pics, clearly from revelers who added to the good time and weren't there merely to document it. Some commentary on the various parties are included.

The Bears Weren't Who We Thought They Were, Damnit

I attended Sunday night's highly anticipated Bears-Giants tilt for NFC supremacy. Some notes on Big Blue's lost evening...

• I was wrong about Plaxico Burress. After he took a swipe at Chicago's "beatable" secondary, I predicted he'd grab four balls for 42 yards in a lame showing. He actually caught four for 48 yards — and a fumble — in a lame showing. My bad, Plax.

• Eli Manning (14-for-32, 121 yards, 0 TDs, 2 INTs, 1 fumble) straight-up stunk. Blame the weather, credit the Bears, whatever. Rex Grossman had to deal with the same conditions against a fairly formidable defense, and he was great after a horrid start. Grossman, drafted 22nd overall in 2003 (but somehow is regarded as lacking NFL skill), finished 18-for-30 with 246 yards, 3 TDs and one early pick. He not only didn't screw it up, but he came up big during the Bears' 35-7 run.

• Yep, a 35-7 run. The Giants took a 13-3 lead with just over two minutes left in the second quarter. With the Bears facing a 3rd-and-22 from their own 28, New York called time out to force a punt after an expected stop. Thomas Jones went for 26 yards up the middle, and the Bears scored a TD soon thereafter, cutting the halftime lead to 3. If the Giants stop Jones and go into the break up a minimum of 10, maybe things turn out different. Maybe New York doesn't need to try a long Feely field goal that had no shot and ended up being a -7 instead of a +3.

• Luke Petitgout fractured his left fibula in the first quarter, joining Strahan, Umenyiora, Arrington, Emmons and Toomer as Week 1 starters who were unavailable in the second half collapse against Chicago.

• Tiki Barber gained another 157 total yards (141 rushing). Even in a dreadful game offensively, against a top-tier defense, he posted a bounty of yards that total more than 2,500 over 16 games.

• One catch for Jeremy Shockey. Think he's gonna be silent about that this week?

• At one point, Grossman was 4-for-12 and the Bears had rushed 10 times for 5 yards.

• With 12:29 remaining in the game, the Giants were down only 4 points, with 1st-and-10 from the Bears 29. We were right there, man.

• Combined record of the three teams — Colts, Seahawks, Bears — that have beaten the Giants: 23-4.

• Still have to be happy at 6-3, with a one-game lead in the NFC East and tie-breaker (so far) against the Cowboys and Eagles, who have to come here next month. The mounting injuries concern me more than anything right now. Remember, we got jacked up in Seattle and responded by winning five straight. No reason to lose faith yet.

Random Thoughts on the News of the Week

What to do when you don't have any good links saved up? Bullet points, of course:

• Britney Spears Text-Messages K-Fed Her Divorce Intentions — I still don't think Britney's gonna do Playboy till she's 30 — maybe to celebrate turning 30 — but it's time for Hugh Hefner to go all-in and try to sign this MILF before he bolts for the ménage à trois in the sky.

Britney has been among the top web searches since the Lycos 50 was born, joining only Pamela Anderson, WWE, NFL and Dragonball as top-50 search terms each of the last 366 weeks. A leaked sex vid of her would still cause bandwidth overloads on college campuses nationwide, and I bet that if one exists, a certain guy who got a certain text message this week would strongly consider "accidentally" sending it via e-mail to a friend.

Brit's looking better and better these days, clearly trying to return to 2000 form. And here's the best part: when celebs bust their asses to look better, they love to show it off. Hef, git-r-done! (Just sign her for the June 2007 issue and throw in a bunch of personal-training sessions.)

Two other points: never seen the public so gleeful about a break-up, even if it came a year-and-a-half later than most expected, and ya gotta feel sorry for the kids, if it's possible to feel sorry for people born to mothers worth $120 million.

• Gary Sheffield Blasts Yanks for Picking Up $13 Million Option — I guess the soon-to-be-38-year-old hoped his option would be declined so that he could negotiate a multi-year deal with the Yanks or another club. Now he'll just have to prove his worth in 2008 and beyond with what he does in 2007. Man, these guys have it rough. Sheffield was 7-for-33, with no extra-base hits, in the last two Yankees postseason series. Must be A-Rod's fault.

• Plaxico Burress Calls Bears Cornerbacks "Very Beatable" — This should come as great news to Bears fans, as the last big-mouthed wide receiver to actually back-up his smack was, um, no one. Plaxico, who should one day enter Canton with an adult admission ticket, almost certainly did more harm than good. Four catches for 42 yards sounds about right, but I hope I'm way wrong.

• Democrats Take Control of Capitol Hill — Ya know, we could have sent this message to President Bush two years ago. Uh, thanks, Ohio.

• Michael Vick Stinks Again After Two Great Games — Vick makes for great TV, and not just when playing Madden. I love watching him play. But the hype he got for consecutive great games in Weeks 7 and 8 was ridiculous. The guy's in his sixth year after being the No. 1 overall pick. You'd think that's enough of a sample size to know what he is — and isn't — capable of ... on a regular basis. He is what he is, and he's no Steve Young, who is the best I've ever seen at doing what a QB is supposed to do: move a team down the field with his arm and/or legs and/or brain.

Sumo Career Lasts as Long as John Daly's Marriages

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Irishman out of sumo tourney in two seconds
• Video: Superfly Snuka piledrived on concrete
• Redman (11-10, 5.71 ERA) Royals pitcher of year
• Seven-page dodgeball strategy guide
• Video: NHL fight ends with one punch
• Review: Globetrotters video game sucks
• World Cup ball sells for $2.4 million
• eBay: Ticket stub from Jordan's 1982 NCAA game-winner
• NYC marathon photographer in course, out of line
• Fans detest this week's Monday Night Raw
• Stephen Colbert causes hockey site shutdown
• Guide to playing online poker microlimits
• ... and check out my SbB archived posts.

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Count on This: Borat Lawsuits Are Coming

I saw the Borat movie on Monday, and it's as good as advertised. Check out this collection of rave reviews on Metacritic. You never see a comedy get such universally high marks. (Then again, all the heavily marketed ones cull from the five-person pool of Stiller, Ferrell, Vaughn and Wilson squared.)

I didn't laugh as often or as loud as I did during Jackass Number Two, but I was probably thinking too much during Borat, trying to figure out what was scripted and what was real. How could so many people be led on, for so long, by an obvious prank in front of a camera crew?

I guess they really are that stupid. Slate explains how people were duped, posting a copy of the release form that you just know was approved by a zillion lawyers before it was certified to be sue-proof.

But that doesn't mean nobody's gonna try. With the movie already raking in tens of millions of dollars — the 3:30 p.m. show on a Monday afternoon was so packed, I had to sit in the third row — you have to figure the punked principals don't have to worry about finding lawyers. The lawyers will find them.

Today's Web Finds:

• Fantasy Fest Photos Selling on eBay — Link goes to "completed items" search for Fantasy Fest photos on eBay. One seller is making copies of CDs containing 1,000 photos that he took (with not-so-great cameras), charging a penny per sale, but $10 on shipping. That's one way to work around eBay's seller fees, with charges based, in part, on final sale price. Figure he's profiting $7.50 per sale; not too bad if you can rake in, say, $150 for a couple hours' work. But who would want 1,000 unedited photos of anything? Wouldn't you rather check out this free, visitor-submitted Fantasy Fest photo gallery?

• Staples Wants You to Look Out for Its Paper Shredder on The Office — I shit you not. Check out this ridiculous ad.

• Drinking With Bob Rants on eBay Listing to Date Paula Abdul — Bidding started at $26,000. Bidding closed at $26,000. Guess Paula's gonna have to curl up on the couch and watch a movie instead. Bob goes off, naturally.

• Jenna Jameson Banned From Marine Corps Ball — Ultimate Fighting champion Tito Ortiz was supposed to be a special guest, but canceled after he was told his girlfriend, Jenna Jameson, was not welcome. Said a Marine spokesperson about Jenna: "she was not an individual or guest that we really felt was appropriate for the Marine Corps ball." Yeah, right! Let them, um, discharge any Marine who has voluntarily enjoyed her work, and then tell me how morally offensive she is. (Found on The Airing of Grievances)

• Video: Ricky Williams Tells Stupid Reporter That His Stupid Question Is Stupid — Some dude tries to get Ricky to say he's gonna turn it on in the playoffs, but Williams explains that, in essence, you can't turn it to 11. The guy presses and presses for the quote he wants, and Ricky just won't give in. Bravo. (Found on Flash Warner)

• Black Friday 2006 Blog — The countdown is on to the biggest sale day of the season, and these guys already have an advance look at what some retailers will be offering the day after Thanksgiving. This one's definitely worth a bookmark.

Let's See If I'm a Real New Yorker...

My buddy George sent me a link to Time Out New York's cover story titled "Essential New York: The things you gotta do before you can call yourself a real New Yorker."

Let's see how I fared. (Things I've done in bold. Photos link to my collections of NYC pics.)

1. Order a coffee "regular"
Don't drink coffee.

2. Have personal water-bug and rat horror stories at the ready.
Never a problem over 11 years in two apartments.

3. Accept your bicycle as an integral part of your furniture.
Have my own wall rack in our building's bike storage room.

4. Get dripped on from above — and hope it's water from an AC.
Hell yeah. Nothing is more humbling than wiping the side of your face in public and smelling your fingers.

5. Claim a favorite spot in Central Park that doesn't include the word sheep, lawn, meadow or Bethesda.
Nope, 'cause my favorite spot is playing left-center field on one of the Great Lawn's many softball fields.

6. Get flashed by a perv.
I'm probably not among their target audience.

7. You know the Olympics will bring jobs and tourist dollars. You're even curious about the prospect of a canoe course in Queens. But deep down, you're sure that the Olympics in New York will just suck.
The American ideal has lost a bit of luster, among the international community, in recent years. No city is more equipped to reinforce faith in what the U.S. is supposed to be — diverse, free, welcoming, etc. NYC residents are defined, more than anything else, by ambition. That works quite well with the Olympic endeavor. This is much greater than whether it will be hard to get a cab for two weeks.

8. Have a meal for two that costs at least $300.
I'd rather splurge on things I won't crap out the next morning.

9. Be unable to leave the house in the morning without watching NY1.
Who leaves the house in the morning?

10. Master the 'Sidewalk Shuffle.'
Tourists almost always leave New York with warm feelings about how friendly our city is, certainly when compared to NYC's bogus rep for hardness. But they don't know that, when we walked behind their slow asses, we wished them dead 100 times over.

11. Adopt a piece of furniture you found on the street.
And adopt the pee stain that comes with it? No, thanks.

12. Identify August by the smell.
Hard to forget the stench of 100-degree dog crap. Or, as I like to call 'em, the Mets.

13. Be proud that you survived at least one of the following: The Great Smoking Ban of the early 2000s; The terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001; The summer of Son of Sam, 1977; The sanitation strike of '68; The blackout of '65, '77 or 2003; The Civil War draft riots of 1863.
Strangely worded entry. Proud to have survived 9/11? And can that event ever be categorized with a smoking ban in bars?

14. Make a joke about all the kitchens on East 6th Street's Indian Row being connected.
Wow, sounds like a doozy.

15. Roll your eyes whenever someone makes that joke about the kitchens on East 6th Street.
Like now?

16. Be able to cite a favorite Chinese restaurant on Mott Street
Who remembers names of Chinese restaurants? I just order from that place I always order from. Probably has a Szechuan in the name or something.

17. Buy a pair of socks at a street fair.
I won't buy socks unless I'm at a street fair. That way I have a purpose to walking past 10 blocks of vendors selling only lemonade, latin music CDs, cheap sunglasses ... and socks.

18. Know all the obscure references in Barneys' Christmas windows.
Um, no.

19. See — or be seen in — a sucky band at CBGB.
Was never into punk music, goth chicks or 12 set changes a night.

20. Incorporate a lexicon of Yiddish terms into your vocabulary.
Schlep, for sure. There's gotta be one or two more.

21. See the New York Grand Opera in Central Park.
Hahahahahaha

22. Surreptitiously "steal" a cab without other people realizing what you're doing.
Probably have done it, but I embrace the idea of not taking what I don't deserve.

23. Make a fool of yourself on the karaoke stage at Winnie's.
Have definitely made a fool of myself singing elsewhere.

24. Real estate (many entries).
None apply to me.

25. Spend some quality time with E.B. White's Here Is New York.
Never heard of it.

26. Strip to your underwear to try on discounted clothes in the middle of Century 21.
Undershirt, probably. Underpants, no.

27. Indulge in a classic pastrami on rye.
That and an order of fries at the former 2nd Avenue Deli ... yum.

28. A true New Yorker Knows... (many entries)
Yes, on almost all of them. Isn't this entire feature about what a true New Yorker knows? I don't get why these are grouped together.

29. Compulsively point out locations as you watch Martin Scorsese and Woody Allen movies.
Not compulsively, no.

30. Rotate your wardrobe out of storage each season.
Gotta think this isn't limited to New Yorkers, but anyone who lives in a city with climate change.

31. Get asked for directions by tourists...and then misdirect them on purpose.
No, that's stupid.

32. Go to the Bronx for something other than a baseball game.
Bronx Zoo, sure. Golf at Van Cortlandt. Not much else.

33. Dine at the newest, chicest restaurant or bar before the rave reviews ruin it.
Not a foodie. Couldn't care less.

34. Eat last night's take-out for breakfast ... and lunch.
If you eat left-overs, you must be from New York? Huh?

35. Have a one-night stand with a "musician" you met in a bar in Williamsburg.
Rarely make a trip out to the country.

36. Know where the Vermeers are in the Met.
Next to the third-floor men's shitter, right?

37. Be somebody's "plus one."
Ah, no.

38. Know where the city's only national park is ... and visit it.
No idea.

39. Navigate the West Village without a map.
I know where some bars are, but can't say it's a neighborhood I frequent often.

40. Carry on a conversation with a cabbie without understanding a word he says.
Like the chatterbox who kept yapping and yapping when I was dead-tired in the back after flying back from Fantasy Fest? Yeah, dude, whatever you say.

41. Things true New Yorkers do when venturing outside the city (various entires).
All of 'em apply to me. I especially like this one: "Peruse the local real-estate ads just to see what kind of mansion your NYC rent could get you in that podunk town."

... Shit, there's three more pages of stuff in this article. Continue here. I've never done this before, but I'm just gonna stop writing. This post is going nowhere.

The article doesn't apply to me. I guess 11 years on my own in America's biggest city doesn't make me a real New Yorker.

Might as Well Start a Link Dump With This

Before the Internet, you could shit in someone's kitchen and almost no one would hear about it. Aside from neighbors who hear the screams.

But thanks to an entry on Gawker, which detailed a Brooklyn telephone-pole-posting about Frank the Shitter, you can see those days are long gone. Man, it was so much easier to defecate on floors when mainstream media were the only public protectors.

Thanks, Gawker, you just ruined my plans for the weekend.

(Thanks to Hot Johnny for the link)

Today's Web Finds:

• TV Links: Full, Free Episodes of a Ton of TV Series — Every episode of The Office is on here, so give it a look, if you haven't, before the show ruins itself by pandering to women who need unfunny courtships with their otherwise hilarious scripts. Anyway, the site is great, though I can't see how these aren't severe copyright violations. Not like I give a fuck. (Thanks, Scott)

• Interview With Michelle, "The Pass Around Girl" — Very, very NSFW, unless your job pays you to read interviews with sex addicts who have tattoos on their bodies that read, "I Swallow Cum," "I Eat Pussy," and "Fuck My Whore Ass." Hard to believe she's been fired by every employer for having sex on the job.

• List: Safest and Most Dangerous U.S. Cities — Once again, New York is right at the top of safest big cities in America. Do y'all get that? Is it clear now? Good. 'Cause the next out-of-town idiot who asks me for a hotel recommendation, and then inquires if the neighborhood is safe, gets punched in the fuckin' grill.

• Chocolate Clone a Pussy Kit — Make a mold of your gal's happy place with this chocolate and, well, eat it. Hope ya like fish-flavored candy.

• Amusement Park Bingo — I haven't been to Six Flags in five years, and I have no plans to go back soon. But if I did, I could probably score bingo on this card before leaving the parking lot.

• Video Hulk Hogan/Randy Savage Swing Dance in Video Game — This was put together by a couple of guys who actually know which buttons make a wrestler kick or step back or grab an opponent. When I play fighting games, I just mash the shit out everything on the controller till my thumbs bleed.

• SBands: Bracelets That Identify Swingers' Preferences — No longer do you have to attend a swingers party and wonder whether some chick is bi-sexual or if a couple welcomes single guys to fulfill a wife's bukkake fantasy. Might wanna buy a few for clueless officemates to wear about town.

• Syracuse Hoops Has Nation's Top 2007 Recruiting Class — One of only two schools with two five-star commitments. Too bad this isn't 20 years ago, when you could actually look forward to four years of sustained success with these guys. Now you just hope they don't bolt for the NBA after one year, if they come to school at all.

Twins Pitcher's 'Rookie-Hazing Day' Costume Auctioned

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• eBay: Pat Neshek's pink witch costume sells for charity
• Video: Compilation of cheerleading bloopers
• Video: Soccer fans beat hell out of band
• Video: Pitcher takes nut-shot to prove cup's worth
• First Look: Madden NFL 07 for Playstation 3
• Hold your wedding at Yankee Stadium!
• Former WWF Repo Man selling real estate
• Buy yer Bears "Sixteen Straight" T-shirt
• How to be a Notre Dame fan
• 10 rules on playing golf for money
• Happy anniversary to the forward pass
• NASCAR markets to both of its Spanish-speaking fans
• ... and check out my SbB archived posts.

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.