PaulKatcher.com

Baseball's Fattest, Slobbiest Fat Slobs

Thursday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Maxim on Fernando: "He sweated gravy"
• Kornheiser thinks Theismann is god
• Pirates GM: "We'll have plenty of dollars"
• Herbstreit loves them SEC chicks
• Vince McMahon thinks necrophilia is funny
• Wade/Anthony rookie cards bid to $30,000
• Paul Tracy dresses as Captain Quebec
• Fight Promoter University now in session
• Mariotti calls out Baker on racist fan letters
• Brian Cashman endorses "Power Yoga For Baseball" DVD
• eBay: Original Bulls 1992-93 NBA championship banner
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Join the 2006 PK.com NFL Pick 'Em Pool

The NFL season kicks off a week from Thursday, and I've set up a free, weekly PaulKatcher.com pick 'em pool for the third straight season.

We'll be using the same CBS SportsLine engine, but I removed all of last year's participants, just to start from scratch.

To jump back in (or join us for the first time):

• Visit http://pkpool2005.football.sportsline.com/e (yeah, I know the URL still says 2005)

• Enter "steinbrenner_is_king" as the password for entry

You will need to log in with your CBS SportsLine account. If you don't have one, follow the simple instructions to acquire a free one.

The rules are simple:

• Make picks against the spread each week.

• If you miss a week, you'll be awarded the lowest score posted by those who made picks. That way you don't get crippled with a 0 if you forget to make selections before leaving on a weekend trip.

The top three finishers at the end of the year will receive some cheap prizes. You'll have your choice of items from my sports memorabilia collection, framed prints of my photos, an autographed doctor's note from Carl Pavano, etc. Most importantly, you'll receive all the glory and adulation that comes from winning such a prestigious pool.

Good luck!

Also see:

• 3rd Annual Dennis Frey Sr. Football Survival Pool — PK.com reader Dennis Frey Jr. has done a tremendous job running this over the past two years, donating over $3,100 to the American Cancer Society, in honor of his late father. Minimum donations are very modest ($10 for one entry; $35 for three), and there are some pretty cool prizes.

Review: Madden NFL 07 for Playstation 2

I've had the latest copy of Madden NFL 07 for a week since it came out at midnight last Monday (waiting on that line was one of the more shameful experiences of my life), and I have to agree with most reviewers who contend that it's a) easily the greatest football video game ever; and b) a bit of a disappointment.

To run down every feature in the game would take forever. And it would require significant research, as I don't know everything you can do with this game, nor do I care do.

Everything I do — play a bunch of exhibitions against the CPU and visiting friends, run a couple of full seasons with the Giants, and tool around a bit in the mini-camps — I did last year. And the year before that.

To me and many others, the game is a $50 roster update. And, of course, a new sked to sim your favorite team's 2006 season.

Does that mean there's nothing new in the game? No. But this year's main addition, the pretentiously titled "Run to Daylight" lead-blocking feature, is as inspiring to me as last year's passing cone, which was so badly received that the 07 version comes with it defaulted to "off."

Other new features are highlighted here, but I'd file 'em all under "clutter," just more stuff we don't need. Examples:

• An opportunity to guide a player's career all the way to the Hall of Fame. I don't even want to know how many months of playing time that requires.

• A new Highlight Stick to "evade defenders with new jukes, cutbacks, and power moves." As if stiff arms, "old" jukes and spin moves weren't enough.

• The ability to scout college all-star games for your franchise's upcoming drafts. God bless anyone whose life is so empty.

These things don't actually detract from the game, of course. Like the Madden Cards I never use, they're just there taking up disk space. No harm, no foul.

So what should be there instead?

• We can start with updated commentary from John Madden. It's inconceivable that his advice to "Tell your line to protect here. Tell your line to protect every play, not just here," made it into any game, let alone multiple versions.

• More arcade features. The gameplay is perfect enough; another juke-move capability isn't going to significant impact the majority of users' enjoyment. But some sort of NFL superstars competition might be cool. The mini-camps are fun, in that sense, but they're exactly the same again, except for — you guessed it — roster updates.

• Video tips from the top Madden ballas in the country. They could do a little film-room breakdown, with their top strategies, to both educate more casual gamers and promote the Madden tournaments held nationwide.

Critics claim that EA Sports stop trying to advance the Madden franchise after it acquired exclusive rights to use real NFL players in its game, that lack of competition has made the company complacent. I don't think that's the case, but it might be directing its efforts too much toward placating the loons who would actually sit on their couch and scout a virtual college football all-star game. These new features don't sound fun. They sound depressing.

In Five Words or Less: Should be Titled Madden 05+1+1

Previously: Hella Madden NFL 07 Links Fo Yo Ass

Summer's Almost Over, But You Can Still Crap on Beach-Goers

Well, this is it. The last week of the traditional summer season. Time for beach chairs and the Red Sux to fold up for the year.

But before we bid adieu to Summer 2006 let's hit the sand one last time for a round of Poop Shoot.

The object of the game is simple: circle a bird over beach-goers and crap on them for points. Don't pretend like you've never wondered if birds actually do this on purpose.

(Thanks, Shumpy, for the link.)

Today's Web Finds:

• YouTube: The Perils Of Using JDate — Ya gotta hear this whiny dude leaving multiple messages for some chick he went out with twice, imploring her to "do the right thing" and refund his $50 for dinner, because things didn't work out. More on the ridiculous dating fiasco here. (Thanks, Ray)

• Video: Japanese Game Show — Tongue Twisters and Nutshots — Watch these contestants flub lines on camera, then get whacked in the balls as punishment. (Thanks, Tim)

• Video: Jeffrey Ross at William Shatner's Roast — All hail the Roastmaster General!

• Brass Knuckles and Throwing Stars Banned From Carry-On Luggage — The Transportation Security Administration makes it official. (Thanks, Josh)

• Swash 800 — Check out the video (click bottom right) to see how serious these actors are when giving testimonials for this toilet featuring men's and women's water streams. When it comes to a clean ass, these folks are all business. (Thanks again, Josh)

• T-Shirt For Your Blog's Tag Cloud — Type in a URL to see which words most appear on your site. The first word for PK.com is "ass." Shocker. (Thanks, Pee Wee)

• Memorable Quotes From Talladega Nights — Just because.

• WPA Totals From Yanks-Red Sox Beatdown Series — I love these charts that rate how much a player helped his team draw closer to victory or defeat. While Jeter's and A-Rod's stats were quite similar over the five games, Jeter shined much brighter in Win Probability Added.

Hella Madden NFL 07 Links Fo Yo Ass

In time, I'll post a full review of Madden NFL 07. I have no energy now, and I don't expect to be in writing condition after Thursday's MurphGuide.com Summer Cruise.

In fact, I plan to spend much of Thursday beating the shit out of my long-time Madden rival, during which time I'll take copious notes on his whining, bitching, moaning and controller-throwing after I shut down the run and turn his offense into a pass-only chuck 'n' duck disaster.

Then I'm out of town for the weekend, but I might have a full review of the game late Sunday night, or I might post a diary on my first fantasy football draft of the season, to be held earlier in the day at Chez PK.com. Either way, here are some of the best Madden links I've come across this week.

• Metacritic's Madden NFL 07 Page — As of PK.com press time, 11 media reviews were linked to, with scores from 1-100 applied to each. Average rating: 86. That's quite low for the greatest football video game series ever — each edition places in the mid-90s — but Madden 07 suffers from having already reached an apex. EA Sports adds things that users neither want nor need just to validate spending another $50 on what amounts to updated rosters.

• D.J. Gallo Examines This Year's Player Ratings — A great piece for ESPN.com's Page 2 that riffs on the game's individual evaluations. Not just overall ratings, but points awarded in categories such as Ego. Gallo notes that five of the 16 players designated with a 99 Ego rating attended the University of Miami.

• Top 20 Players By Position — I thought Michael Vick peaked in the 2005 edition, but check out his speed rating compared to everyone else.

• Shitload of Custom Covers — I always check 'em out, but never actually printed one. I guess because I'm not a virgin.

• VG Sports' Madden Strategy Forums — An annual information base of tips and tricks. These posters are quite skilled, so employ their advice at your own risk.

• GameFAQs.com's Madden NFL Page for PS2 — Not much posted yet, but soon some nut will upload a text file with every player rating, formation, audible, hot route, offensive and defensive playbook, Madden card and assorted other info that might make for good reference. Then again, unless you're into the Run to Daylight blocking feature, you know all this shit from last year.

• EA Sports Forum: Madden 08 Wishlist — The game's been out for two days, so, naturally, gamers already want more.

• YouTube.com Video Search: Madden — Over 1,000 Madden-related videos are hosted. If you think I clicked through these, you're nuts.

NFL.com Shop Now Selling Purple Sofas

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Yeah, that's some stylish furniture
• Reviews pour in for Madden NFL 07
• Murray Chass offers Sux fans plate of crow
• Torre express gratitude to Abreu in bathroom
• Wichita State fans happy to sit behind poles
• Royals to visit Pirates in 2007!
• Happy anniversary Roseboro/Marichal beating
• Sterling Sharpe makes preseason football even worse
• Conn. H.S. coaches to be suspended for 50-point wins
• Tiger Woods' rookie card sells for thousands
• LIFE magazine's database of sports-related issues
• Happy birthday to Paul Maguire
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Yanks Take the Fifth, Complete Beatdown in Beantown

What if I were to tell you the Yankees could go into Boston, kick the living hell out of the Red Sux, light up sports radio and suicide-prevention hotlines alike, and come away with a devastating five-game sweep?

Is that something you might be interested in?

Two weeks ago today, I wrote a post titled "Happy Days Are Here Again for Yankees Fans." But I never thought it would get this good, this fast.

Because Monday, August 21, at 4:13 p.m., may rank as the happiest regular-season moment of the Joe Torre era.

Yankees fans are welcome to debate which regular-season victory since 1996 thrilled them the most. If you were at either of the perfect games thrown by Wells or Cone, I'm sure an "I was there" sentiment would vault them to the top the list.

There are, of course, the eight division-clinching games. But aside from last year, when Randy Johnson came through at Fenway on the second-to-last day of the season, those titles were never really in late peril. Other than that one, there wasn't a single win that simply had to be had on that day.

But this one had to be had on this day to become what it will forever be: another milestone achievement in the lopsided Yankees-Sux rivalry. I floated home from the bar Monday afternoon, because I knew this win meant more than a game in the standings. It meant history. The kind of history we're used to, the kind that reminds us that we're the Yankees and you're not. Every now and then, a wannabe has to be exposed. More often than not, it's the same opponent who makes like a nail to our hammer.

Make no mistake, this five-game road sweep will be remembered. It's going into the newspaper timelines, into the books, into the DVDs, into YES network's offseason rerun list.

This was the Beatdown in Beantown. And it was fucking magnificent.

More Thoughts on the Series:

• Should we print the AL East champs shirts yet? Nope, but start bidding out the contract. Can't imagine us looking stellar in the next six West Coast dates. I can see a lot of guys rushing to the windows in Vegas to bet against two teams that are primed for a letdown. The Sux are out there, too — and there's no reason to think they'd be any better than us — but us going 2-4 while they go 4-2 isn't impossible. Also consider: the Sux have four dates at Yankee Stadium next month, and the threat of unlucky injury is always present.

• The Yankees won five games at Fenway without hitting a single home run over the Green Monster. New York homers in the series: Damon (2), Williams, Cano, Giambi, Posada.

• Johnny Damon is third on the team in homers (20). Fifty bucks if you predicted that before the start of the season.

• I know a lot of impartial baseball fans are tired of the Yanks-Sux hype, but you have to admit the series always deliver. Not every game is a Picasso, but something always seems to happen that has you talking about the series even more when it's over. Just don't try to predict what will happen. You'll never get it right.

• Not a good time for Josh Beckett to make one of the most uninspiring starts I've ever seen. At least go out with a bang. Get lit up early and hit the showers. But nine runs on seven hits and nine walks into the sixth inning? That was brutal.

• If you know any Sux fans who attended all five games, call 'em and tell 'em you love 'em.

• Monday afternoon rush hour is Boston had to have been a blast, huh?

• Thank you, Johhny Pesky, for your pole. We finally curled around that short fucker for a change.

• We won Monday with Damon, Giambi and Posada starting the game on the bench. Unvelievable.

• With the Tigers faltering, the Mets might be the second-best team in baseball. And New York.

• I hate bashing A-Rod, but there are a ton of guys in the league who could have put up the numbers he has this year, with Damon, Jeter, Giambi and now Abreu ahead of him. And all those guys, plus Cano and Posada, stood out more at the plate in this series. Fantastic couple of plays in the field Monday, though.

• Can't say enough about what Manny did in this series, going 8-for-11 with two homers, seven RBIs and nine walks. He'd probably shoot everyone on the plane to L.A. if he knew how to fire a gun.

• The idea of Jeter as AL MVP makes me laugh. See above. (In other words, trade him for Manny in this lineup and see if the Sux are any closer in the standings.)

• Looks like Gabe Kapler couldn't get any good steroids in Japan.

• Melky Cabrera, with his youth, poise, decent offensive ability and rifle arm is exactly who teams look for when pawning off a pricey proven pitcher. With Matsui, Damon and Abreu, he won't have a starting role in 2007, and he'd be a great fourth OF/injury insurance. But you have to believe Brian Cashman is going to field a lot of offers for him in the offseason.

• Bravo to all the Yankees. Every one of 'em, coaches alike. They deserved a welcome-home celebration at the airport. Here's hoping a lot of Yankees fans in Seattle are there to greet 'em.

Pro Wrestling Finishing Maneuvers Rated

To succeed as a pro wrestler, you need three things:

1. A reliable steroids hook-up
2. A signed will for when you die in a hotel room at 42
3. A cool finishing move

Nothing is more important than the third item. Not even a night of San Francisco cabaret with Pat Patterson ensures success in the WWE like a killer move that renders your opponent motionless (until you share a beer five minutes later in the dressing room).

In lieu of a great finisher, you might try what Triple-H did: marry the CEO's daughter and be written into every main event for 142 years running.

Anyway, here are my personal rankings for some of pro wrestling's most famous finishing maneuvers.

Piledriver
Let's start with an all-time classic. I associate it most with "Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff, but it's used by many different wrestlers in many different ways, such as the Undertaker's Tombstone. The reason this one kicks ass is that, when done right, it looks so real. And, sometimes, they are real, as botched piledrivers have accounted for many serious injuries. And I'm not talking "Iron" Mike Sharpe-type injuries, either. While Pete Rose getting Tombstoned at Wrestlemania was one of WWE's all-time funniest moments, it was also one of the phoniest, as Kane took extra care with Charlie Hustle's Brillo head to make sure it didn't come within a foot of the mat. (See video here.)
Rating: 9/10

Rikishi's Stinkface
Say what you will about Vince McMahon, but he owns a billion-dollar empire and still wrote himself into a scenario in which he took a faceful of ass from a 400-pound mountain of sweat. I'm not exactly sure that this is a "finisher," but it's good enough. (Here are some great pics from a "stinkface match between The Kat and Terri.)
Rating: 6/10

Polish Hammer
I rate Ivan Putski's finisher pretty high despite its simplicity. While basically the clasping of one's hands and delivering a swinging blow, it carried a legitimacy we don't see when a fallen opponent "catches" a high-flyer to soften the blow for both. Sometimes less is more.
Rating: 7/10

Stone Cold Stunner
This one worked well because it was quick and vicious, like when that dude at Scruffy Duffy's farted next to me and tried to play it cool — like I couldn't figure it came from the only guy who'd just downed consecutive orders of wings. Bonus points for clearing a ring in like four seconds, then flashing a double middle-finger salute to a crowd of kids.
Rating: 7/10

S.D. Jones' Finishing Maneuver
I don't know what it was, because S.D. never won a match, but I'm sure he had something great planned.
Rating: 8/10

Hulk Hogan's Atomic Leg Drop
Other than people publicly bitching about Paris Hilton being famous for doing nothing (and, thus, giving her more attention), nothing is more ironic than the most famous wrestler ever having the worst finishing move. It took forever to set up and looked like it did more damage to Hogan's ass than it did to his opponent. I swear I could have kicked out of this thing.
Rating: 0/10

Total Penetration
Wikipedia says that's the finishing maneuver of some ECW guy named Big Dick Dudley. Remind me never to watch ECW.
Rating: 0/10

Dudley Boys' Table Slam
I don't know what you call this thing, but any time you slam Mae Young through a table, it works for me. It's the wood that makes it good.
Rating: 8/10

Sgt. Slaughter's Cobra Clutch
A more vicious version of the sleeper (which sucked; way too fake), Slaughter used his opponent's own arm to choke the shit out of him and shake his neck with such force it was as if he was trying to pop some maggot's head open like a zit.
Rating: 8/10

The Iron Sheik's Camel Clutch
Not to be confused with the camel toe, this move stretched one's torso area with the strain of Joan Rivers' face. The Iron Sheik became WWF champion, in 1983, by locking the Camel Clutch onto Bob Backlund, who would not submit. Luckily for the Sheik, Backlund's manager, Arnold Skaaland, was a huge pussy and threw in the towel for him.
Rating: 8/10

Ric Flair's Figure-Four Leglock
If you ever tried this one at home, you know it totally works, but you have to get it right, else your opponent's heel crams right into your balls. Not good! You don't want to forever ruin your chances of having kids when you're only 14. (But if you're trying this with friends after age 14, you're probably not in line to find a woman with whom to have kids anyway.) Three familiar scenarios with the figure four: 1) The potential applicant gets kicked in the ass and into the ropes as his attempts to spin the leg; 2) Someone rolls over and reverses the pressure onto the original applicant; and 3) The applicant leans back to grab some rope, while the ref is looking elsewhere and the announcer wails bloody murder. As if shaking a rope does jack shit to increase the pressure on the leg. Lack of devastation validates the low rating.
Rating: 6/10

Jimmy Snuka's Superfly Splash
My favorite move of all time, because it was so much more dramatic and acrobatic than anything of its time. Couple of great things about it: 1) The anticipation that it was coming, when Snuka climbed the ropes, really got the crowd going; and 2) There was always an expectancy that the next splash would be his best ever. No two ever seemed the same. Greatest superflies ever: A) The one he missed against in a steel cage match against Bob Backlund in 1982; and 2) when he leapt from the ring, over the top rope, to clock a suit-wearing Don Muraco, who interfered before the start of Sunka's match with some jabroni.
Rating: 10/10

Ann Coulter Is a Cunt 77,400 Times Over

By now, every Internet-savvy person is cognizant of Googling, the practice of searching Google to determine whether a prospective employee or dating prospect is whacked out of his/her mind. Which is bad news for Ann Coulter.

Now, I'm not interested in either hiring or courting Coulter — Barbaro-lookalikes just ain't my style — but I had an idea to conduct a Google search for what the public thought of her and found out there are 77,400 Google search results for "ann + coulter + cunt."

Guess some people opposed to her assessment of 9/11 widows, about whom she claimed, "I have never seen people enjoying their husband's death so much."

I've never seen it, either, you cunt. Best make it 77,401.

Related:

• Is Ann Coulter Annoying? — You bet your ass.

Today's Web Finds:

• Concert Ticket Generator — Make own faux concert ticket, just like I did for Ann Coulter, that horse-faced cunt.

• MurphGuide.com's NYC 2006 Summer Cruise — Setting sail next Thursday, August 24. Pay one fee, drink for hours along the East River. I'll be there, and I hope you will too.

• The Worst Price is Right Contestant of All-Time — The subject is some dunce who can't follow simple directions, but the star is Bob Barker, who looks like he wants to impale her skull with an awl. (Found on Gorilla Mask)

• Lineup for Third Season of Dancing With the Stars — Who needs Stacey Keibler when you can have Tucker Carlson? Besides guys who get horned up for super-hot women instead of bow-tie-wearing tools.

• Photos: Boy George on NYC Street-Cleaning Duty — Some people feel bad that the media has hounded him while performing this embarrassing duty. But here's how you can avoid a similar fate: don't be an attention whore and don't break laws. Works for me!

• Video: Borat Seeks Comrades on MySpace — Too bad for those who added Kazakhstan's Minister of Agriculture to their friends list.

• AskMen.com: Sports' 10 Most Intimidating Teams — If you didn't already know that AskMen.com sucks (good topics, but the 5-clicks per feature makes it a disaster, and that's not counting its rather bland writing), the fact the 1985 Chicago Bears is not on this list will cement it. It's like leaving off Ann Coulter from a list of cunts.

Tennis Duo Takes Brotherly Love to Another Level

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Bryan brothers' unique celebrations
• eBay: Ugly-ass XFL T-shirts available
• Rob Dibble pretends to drink Landis' urine
• Sing Sing dinner tray perfect for Bengals tailgates
• Cracked spoofs ESPN the Magazine
• Happy 76th birthday to Frank Gifford
• Anniversary of Sports Illustrated's premier issue
• Wikipedia: pro wrestling finishing maneuvers
• Tennis' Hawk-Eye system draws rave reviews
• 'Seau's fist-pumping NFL days finally end'
• Jamie Gold already tops poker's all-time money list
• College Football News' solid roundtable debates
• eBay: Buy Cal Naughton Jr.'s car from Talladega Nights
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Feeling Lucky, Ladies? Win a Date With Ron Jeremy!

When it comes to finding a mate, women often say looks don't matter. Attractiveness counts, certainly, but perhaps not as much as humor, confidence, honesty and — they always throw this one in at the end — "a guy who knows what he's doing in the bedroom."

Well, ladies, have I got the man for you.

Yep, it's the Win a Date With Ron Jeremy contest.

Jeremy possesses all those qualities, and has even been known to give himself oral sex — so that takes a little bit of a burden off you.

Imagine a romantic lunch of "hamburger, shake and fries" (I shit you not) with someone every guy looks up to and at least a few hundreds porn scarlets have gone down on.

The contest is sponsored by SugarDVD.com, a Netflix-like porn-subscription service that I didn't know existed. Let's just say I hate my Netflix account right now.

Interestingly, the official rules mention nothing about the contest being limited to female entrants. So any guy looking to climb the Mount Everest of "you know how I know you're gay?" put-downs should definitely enter this one. Going on a date with Ron Jeremy sure beats the hell out of that "rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says 'I love it when balls are in my face.'" Er, maybe not.

Today's Web Finds:

• The Stephen Colbert 'On Notice' Board Generator — I don't watch his show, but I guess he makes a board listing things he has issues with at the moment. So, um, preseason NFL football, you're on notice!

• The Weekly Internet TV Charts — An index of the top videos served up on Google, YouTube, Digg and VideoSift. (Found through Research Buzz)

• Madden NFL 07 Team Ratings — Someone wanna tell me how the Seahawks have a slightly higher-rated offense and defense than the Giants, but a slightly lower-rated overall ranking? Individual player rankings are out, as well.

• David Beckham's Worst Penalty Kick Ever — I love this clip posted on Flash Warner's site. The shot of the two Portugal supporters laughing at him is priceless.

• Jim Caple's 'Believe It ... or Not' — Hey, a Caple column I actually enjoyed, filled with observations on how sports fans often don't make a lot of sense. Example: "We believe that postseason baseball games start too late at 8:20 ET but that Monday Night Football games starting at 9:10 are just right."

Remembering Atari 2600's Cum-Catching Game

Many times in the past I've lauded Wikipedia for being a valuable resource for everything from sex positions to euphemisms for masturbation to World War II. Ya know, heavy shit.

But today, I highlight an entry that, once and for all, crowns Wikipedia the champion of all information.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present the 1982 Atari 2600 game Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em.

I was only nine years old when the game was released, too busy playing Intellivision baseball to care, so I hadn't heard of Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em till Wednesday.

Was is about eggs? No.

About a ruthless attack of aliens by Earthling carnivores? Not quite.

Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em was, accoring to Wikipedia...

[A game in which] the player controls a pair of nude women who scuttle back and forth underneath a building as a ridiculously well-endowed man constantly ejaculates from the roof top. The player's objective is to maneuver these women so that they consume the man's semen before it hits the ground.

Thus, I now rate Atari 2600 far superior to any video game console than has ever come after it. Sure as hell beats running the weak-side counter from the I-Twins set in Madden (which always works, by the way).

Today's Web Finds:

• Metacritic: Talladega Nights Reviews Average 66/100 — I saw this one on Wednesday afternoon. Not as bad as Wedding Crashers. Not as great as 40-Year-Old Virgin. It's about as good as Hollywood cares to do these days. Keep an eye out for catch-phrases and t-shirts that will make this thing more popular than it deserved (see: Napoleon Dynamite).

• Paul Lo Duca's Wife Naked — Not safe, I gather, for your work. Because seeing boobies is the root of all evil. Repent!

• Wkipedia's List of Songs About New York City — Not even close to complete, I'd imagine. But would make for a pretty good mix tape for your NYC crush. (If this was 1987.)

• SI.com Player Poll: Fastest and Slowest MLB Players — I guess every team has its slowpokes, especially at catcher and first base. But can you believe Jason Giambi can actually rag on Sal Fasano for being slow? It takes a triple to score that guy from second. The best part is that Bengie Molina straight-up dominates this thing as person most likely to succeed ... if the Earth turned to quicksand.

On Second Thought, We Don't Wanna Know

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• What's the secret in Chyna's book?
• 'Mike & Mike' show focus: How Golic scratches his nuts
• Classic links for b-day boy Deion Sanders
• Jason Giambi flips off that shifty Brian Roberts
• Letterman's 'Top Ten Floyd Landis Excuses'
• 'Depleted Yankees Farm System Down to This Kid'
• FDR, Aaron Spelling, Sam Jackson: all former cheerleaders
• Yanks gift certificates go by name of 'Bomber Bucks'
• Kornheiser rips his own football knowledge in column
• Highest-grossing sports movies ever
• Chien-Ming Wang bobblehead dolls command $300 bids
• Win Knicks season tickets! Or get lucky and don't
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Shit Happens in Chicago

I watched the first half of Tuesday night's 6-5 loss at the White Sox at home, but left for Brother Jimmy's because the YES announcers' mic kept pickup up some annoying Sox fan's vitriol. I thought watching with the sound off, coupled with some $3, 16 oz. Natty Lights, would be better. Then karaoke rolled in, and I wanted to kill myself. But here are some generally positive thoughts on what was a tightly played, but ultimately disappointing, contest:

• First, if you buy into the "a win's a win" theory, then you can assume that "a loss is a loss." That holds true here. So trump everything I write after this with that sentiment.

• That was two playoff-caliber teams going at it right there. Pete Rose once said, after Game 6 of the 1975 World Series, that games are only great if you win, but that was a classic final-third-of-the-season tet-a-tet.

• Nice to have Robinson Cano (3-for-5) back in the fold, huh? His .792 OPS is nothing to write home about, ranked around No. 100 in the AL, but he's a good catalyst (.926 with no one on), even if he sucks mucho ass in his career (.443 OPS) with the bases loaded. I think he's pretty smooth in the field, too.

• I know Jorge Posada went 0-for-5, but he went 3-for-3 in throwing out baserunners, which created three outs for the opposition while also erasing three baserunners. Very hard to overestimate that contribution. His accuracy on those throws, combined with the bang-bang element of said plays, exhibits not only the talent of pro athletes but validates why Red Smith once said that 90 feet between bases is the closest mankind has ever come to perfection.

• Alex Rodriguez, the batter, was incredible tonight. A home run that brought us from behind to take the lead, two walks, and two other hits, including one late, in which he rapped an 0-2 pitch too hard to score Derek Jeter from second on a blistering single to center.

• Alex Rodriguez, the fielder? Here's the only fact we know: He didn't play that Jermaine Dye pop-up as if it was the seventh game of the World Series. Reasonable people can differ on whether or not he should have. But managers don't do to pitchers' arms with 53 games to go what they do to 'em in playoff series, probably for the same reason A-Rod didn't lunge for the ball so close to the tarp in a generally unfamiliar road park. Of all his supposed faults, caring and daring are not two of them. Not for his first 422 games as a Yankee, and I doubt it started Tuesday night. Really nice play on that disputed tag of Scott Posednik in the first, by the way. Loved the unrehearsed emotion afterward.

• If you've seen one Mariano Rivera blown save, you've seen 'em all. Of course, you have to watch a lot of Yankees games to see just one, but that's how it goes. He catches too much of the plate once a month or two, and a solid pro hits one out. If the bottom of the ninth went something like walk-single-walk-single, I'd do more than brush off a blown save by a future first-ballot Hall of Famer who came into the game with a 1.84 ERA and the best ERA of any pitcher, by about a third of a run, since 1996. Prior to Tuesday night, Mariano had blown all of two saves this season. Not bad for a guy who was pronounced dead and "figured out" last April in the opening series against the Red Sux.

• Bobby Abreu feels, to me, like more of a Derek Jeter at the plate than a Jason Giambi. Just three extra-base hits (all doubles) in 29 at-bats since joining the club. I know stats can be spun, and I dig the .414 batting average and rocket arm. Not complaining at all. Just saying I'm not exactly expecting a homer when he comes up.

• Bobby Jenks looked unreal. Again, I didn't have the sound on, but I assume those were slpit-finger fastballs that dipped and dived Clemens-style. Hats off to him. Too bad he'll be too spent, after 2 2/3 innings, to pitch on Wednesday.

• As this game wore on, as hotly contested as it was, I sensed that one of the teams would blow out the other on Wednesday. Not necessarily the prevailing club. (I don't even know why I'm mentioning this. I have no reasoning for it. Just feels like a rubber-game series.)

• Didn't catch up on what happened in Kansas City on Tuesday. I assume we lost a bit of lead in the AL East, as the Royals are an abomination of a baseball club (with the worst record in the majors), and I always give the advantage to a competitor who plays such garbage on the night we roll into the World Series champion's house.

Porn Star or Cooking-Show Host? It's Your Call!

If you've ever watched the Food network, you've seen Rachel Ray's O-face — complete with a mouth that resembles Jack Nicholson's in Batman — more times than should be allowable by law. Nobody should feign that level of ecstasy from biting into an $8 pulled-pork sandwich.

But she's not the only one guilty of overdoing it. Rather a mere inspiration for this quiz, Orgasm or Excellent Marinara?, in which you try to distinguish whether the pictured principal is either a porn star or cooking-show host.

Give it a try and thank god none of them are of Martha Stewart baking cookies. Though I would have liked to have seen Sandra Lee. She has her haters, but at least she's kinda hot and, apparently, is single and living in New York.

Today's Web Finds:

• Hundreds Expected to Come to Masturbate-a-Thon — Rub one out for charity in London. Or drive to Canada, where there's probably a girl named Charity who can help you out.

• Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy Camp — For a little less than $10,000, you can attend a one-day camp in which you practice with the likes of members from Great White and Nelson, before taking the stage to open for headliners Journey and Def Leppard. No, they don't pay you the $10,000. (When I wrote a feature titled "What I'd Do With $10 Billion," I included such an idea, but with decidedly more talented acts.)

• 50 Greatest WWF Rivalries of All Time — Leaving off Sgt. Slaughter vs. the Iron Sheik is like making a list of popular Nevada attractions and not mentioning Las Vegas. (Found on Gorilla Mask)

• Game: Parking Perfection — Try to maneuver a car into a number of parking spots before time elapses or smacking into a another vehicle. (Thanks, Shumpy)

Happy Days Are Here Again for Yankees Fans

They say it's lonely at the top. But not if you're a Yankees fan. Millions strong, we greet today not with a case of the Mondays, but with genuine appreciation of how the Bombers are not only alive for a playoff run, but primed for it.

Credit the manager, the front office, the players. They all deserve praise for what they've done since suffering a 19-1 drubbing at Cleveland on July 4, Lord Chancellor George M. Steinbrenner III's birthday, a date so significant they made it a national holiday.

That loss knocked the Yankees four games back in the AL East and six losses behind the (then- and now-) wild-card-leading White Sox. Shawn Chacon started that game and was backed, in part, by Andy Phillips (1B), Kevin Reese (RF) and Nick Green (2B). Our $200 million team was being held together by duct tape, but it proved to be stickier than a brothel's bedsheets.

The Yankees followed up that Independence Day disaster by salvaging a split in Cleveland (winning the next two by scores of 11-3 and 10-4), part of a 20-7 run that saw us vault atop the AL East standings by two full games — and three in the loss column — over the Red Sux.

I generally hate off days. A night without Yankees baseball is like karaoke without some chick butchering "Take a Piece of My Heart." Something's missing. But we'll get through it with our customary view from the top. Happy days are here again.

Other Yankees Thoughts:

• Not only have we won games of late, but they've been the right kind of wins: not overly taxing on the pen, and with enough cushion in most to be real confidence-builders. Half of the 20 wins since July 5 have been by four runs or more. Mariano Rivera saved nine of the other 10 victories and was credited with a save in Sunday's 6-1 victory at Baltimore. (Game log)

• Johnny Damon, he of the 15 HRs, might finally find himself on a division-winner for the first time in his career. It's a shame how players on some other teams never get that opportunity.

• Haven't written a Yankees post since we traded for Bobby Abreu, but any time you acquire an All-Star caliber player in exchange for two cans of split pea and two cans of minestrone, you've pretty much made out on the deal. Money may not buy happiness, but it buys a huge upgrade over Bernie Williams.

• Randy Johnson has developed into a pretty solid No. 3 starter. If we began a playoff series tomorrow, with all starters available, Mike Mussina and Chien-Ming Wang would be easy choices to start the first two games.

• There's exactly 1/3rd of the season remaining: 54 games. They include three in Chicago this week, three against fellow wild-card-contenders Minnesota and nine against the Red Sux. After battling to stay alive for a couple months without the pressure of truly "big" games, rest assured they're coming.

• I never worry about blowout losses. While the knee-jerk reaction is that they're demoralizing and can have a carry-over effect, I know from previous years (which included a 22-0 loss to Cleveland, a no-hitter by the Astros and two 17-1 losses to the Red Sux) that they're mostly throwaways. The 19-1 loss at Cleveland ignited this hot stretch, which itself included a 19-6 home loss to Tampa Bay and a 1-hitter at the hands of an Orioles nobody. And that 19-8 victory in Game 3 of the 2004 ALCS didn't do much for us, either.

• The Yankees are the best team in New York right now.

• All-Star 2B Robinson Cano returns Tuesday, after being out since June 27. Possible returns of Hideki Matsui and Gary Sheffield (and maybe even Carl Pavano, if that matters) would come no earlier than September. I'm not holding my breath, but this potential playoff lineup would be hard to beat:

Damon CF
Jeter SS
Abreu RF
Rodriguez 3B
Giambi 1B
Sheffield DH
Matsui LF
Posada C
Cano 2B

Mussina SP
Wang SP
Johnson SP

Rivera RP

I Think the Heat's Getting to 'Drinking With Bob'

I checked the Weather.com on Thursday and saw that temps were expected to reach 98 degrees, but it was gonna "feel like" 108. I didn't really know what that meant. Doesn't 98 always feel like 98?

Anyway, the idea of reporting separate temperatures was enough to set off one of my favorite local Internet personalities, "Drinking With Bob" from Flushing, who went nuts on the whole "feels like" thing. See his video rant here.

Also check out some of his recent videos, which include a blood-vessel-bursting take on Lance Bass' huge "revelation," as well as a vocal destruction of a pig from Brooklyn who apparently copied his online content idea.

Also see: Drinking With Bob's MySpace Profile

Other Web Finds:

• The 86 Rules of Boozing — Seems to be a classic oldie from Modern Drunkard magazine, but it's new to me after seeing it linked from College Humor. The rules are even available as a poster.

• Photo Gallery: Celebrity Butt Cracks — If you're concerned that viewing these pics will cause an all-day erection, don't worry. Kelly Osbourne's ass is in there.

• Video: Guy Slips and Falls Off Boat — It's not nice to laugh at the misfortune of others. But you will anyway.

• Gregg Easterbook's NFL Offseason Highs and Lows — Usually a solid read if you've got three days to get through it all. Print it out for your bathroom time this weekend.

Random Thoughts From Mercury, U.S.A.

It's too hot in New York to think straight. Here's proof:

• I don't understand the idea of ordering someone to "wipe that shit-eating grin off your face." First, who smiles after eating shit? Second, if someone you were speaking to had just eaten shit, wouldn't you run like hell before anyone had a chance to wipe anything?

• How did pink and purple become the overwhelmingly favored colors for dildos and vibrators? Who gets off on what resembles an alien's dick? You don't see guys buying orange and green vibrating vaginas.

• It's time to amend the practice of labeling links to R- and X-rated content as "NSFW." The acronym should be more descriptive, so as to hint at a link's worth, while still protecting corporate drones from the horror of being fired from jobs that suck donkey balls. So let's introduce some new labels, like NABNWWOT (Nice Ass But Not Worth Whacking Off To), TWGFO (Totally Worth Getting Fired Over), PATFMT (Pamela Anderson's Tits For the Millionth Time), BCTTB (B-List Celeb Tanning Topless on a Boat), etc.

• Image how fat Americans would be if the frialator was a common kitchen appliance.

• This one's for Yankees fans like me who laugh at mere mentions of shitty players during our lean years: Cecilio Guante.

• I entered to win a pair of Knicks season tickets for 2006-07. Please wish me luck in losing.

• You have to be a grade-A assclown to buy a "Fuck You, You Fucking Fuck" t-shirt sold in Greenwich Village gift shops. Buy a pleather NASCAR jacket instead; you'll look cooler.

• Funniest e-mail I got from a fellow Yanks fan this week: "Wang looks really good. Man, that's uncomfortable to write."

• Jim Armstrong of the Denver Post made an interesting point on Around the Horn, when he said Roger Clemens, as great as he's been, may never have his number retired by any of the teams he's pitched for. I don't know if anyone's worn No. 21 in Boston since he left, but that would be a good indicator. (Update: I've been told the Sux have never re-issued No. 21.)

• If you're diagnosed with a terminal illness, I think the government should issue a card allowing you to legally gamble and bang hookers in all 50 states.

Now Being Served at Blue Jays Games: Bloody Marys

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Lyle Overbay creams spectator with foul ball
• Gary Coleman DESTROYED in wrestling event
• Yanks get $7.5 million of Tampa's money
• Video: Dude gets hit with 140 paintballs
• NFL.com's Falcons face wig is way ugly
• CardPlayer.com updates the WSOP main event
• Texas Rangers' announcers need uppers
• Happy 56th birthday to Lance Ito
• Anniversary of Thurman Munson's plane crash
• SI swimsuit content for mobile phones
• World Championship of Fantasy Football kicks off soon
• Write your very own Bill Simmons column
• World's longest race held on one block in Queens
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Meet New York City's Newest Street Cleaner

Here in New York, you can run into celebrities anywhere.

You can watch the O.J. verdict, as I did, at a table adjacent to Tim Robbins (when I really hammed up my "WTF?!" reaction for Daily News photographers). Or wait in the pouring rain for a light change next to Bernie Williams, as I did in early 2000, fresh off his $87-million re-signing (when I wondered why a guy with such an assload of cash wasn't carrying an umbrella). Or, as I expect to someday, stand behind Britney Spears as she orders nine crumpets at Dunkin' Donuts.

Later this month, however, you might run into a celebrity just by dropping a Snickers wrapper.

That's when Boy George will pick up trash for five days as a community-service sentence stemming from a bogus report of a burglary at his lower Manhattan apartment in October, when cops found cocaine at his home.

Last year, I shared my thoughts on the 10 worst jobs in America, led by XXX theater mop boy. Ugh. Boy George's work won't technically rate as a job, but fuck if picking up New York trash in the oppressively hot days of August ain't one of the worst gigs one can think of.

Today's Web Finds:

• YouTube: Classic Beetlejuice Puking Clip — Way before Verne Troyer peed naked on a carpet on Surreal Life 4, TV viewers were greeted to this 9-minute segment of the Howard Stern Show in which a drunken Beetlejuice failed to mouth a coherent thought about how he picks up chicks. Cameras also rolled as he puked his guts out in a bathroom stall, croaking out sounds that sounded like a chicken caught in a box fan. That was the first time I'd heard of Beetlejuice, and I'll never forget it, because I cried a lot from laughing my ass off.

• Arse/Face Soap — Dual-colored soap ensures you'll never again scrub your face with the same side that just lathered your ass. Unless you're into that sort of thing. Guess which part the brown side is for.

• eBay Listings Calculator — Useful, free tool that takes into account listing fees, eBay's take on the final price, and possible PayPal charges that will help you determine whether on not selling grandma's used panties will net a profit.

• Mel Gibson Apologizes for Anti-Semetic Remarks — Mel says he's sorry for saying, during an arrest for drunk driving, that "the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." I wonder who he thinks is responsible for all the injuries and deaths related to drunk driving. He's only 50 years old, though, so give the man some time to learn.

• Meat Cake With Mashed Potato Frosting — There's really not much I can add to these pictures and description of the baking process. I can subract, however, about two pounds. That's how much vomit I just threw up. (Thanks, Ray)

• World's Most Valuable 100 Brands — Soda, fast food, cigarettes, beer. Hey, where's the porn? Incredible how much the U.S. dominates this list.