PaulKatcher.com

A Muslim, an Anus and a Light Bulb Walk Into a Doctor's Office...

Tell me if you've heard this one before.

Actually, it's not so much a joke as it is a Reuters news report. (But believe me, you'll laugh anyway.)

Fateh Mohammad, a Pakistani prisoner serving a four-year sentence for making liquor, underwent a 90-minute operation after waking up with a light bulb in his anus.

Mohammad swears he doesn't know who put the light bulb in his ass. Police or other prisoners, he believes.

I'm what you'd call a light sleeper. I wake up to the slightest of noise or disturbance. But even if you drugged me with an elephant's dosage of codeine, nailed me in the head with a pitch thrown by Ozzie Guillen's henchmen, and tied me up with Britney Spears' XXXXXL panties, I'd STILL jump out of bed in a milisecond if something was being shoved down my one-way street.

Thus, I believe, the only way Mohammad is ever gonna come face-to-face with the man who stuck a light bulb in his anus is ... to find him a nice, clean mirror.

And is there any doubt the fucker was gonna try to sit on a source of electricity?

(Thanks, Trixie, for the link)

Today's Web Finds:

• Celebrities We Never Wanted to See Naked — Can you imagine walking into a sperm bank and, in order to facilitate the deposit, they hand you an issue of Playboy featuring Chyna? I'd just spit in a cup till I reached a tablespoon's worth. (Previously: My review of the Chyna and X-Pac sex video.)

• Lesson of the Day: "75 Years Is Not Old for a Cock" — Howard Stern pranks a Korean clock-repair shop and speaks to a woman who's not adept at pronouncing her l's. But she says she has no problem helping Howard with his 10-inch, black clock. She's kind of an expert, because, as she says, "I have over 100 cocks here."

• The 7 Greatest Superpowers — I'm with the author. Super strength, X-ray vision and the like don't have a thing on the "Zack Morris Time Out."

• Ali G Show: Frat Guys Punk'd By 'Gay Australia TV' — It's all P-A-R-T-Y for these wrestlers until they find out they just exposed their asses for flamers overseas. Bruno shoving his face in their crotches didn't seem to bother them, though.

• Awkward Moments Abound in Penis Pump Trial — At first I thought Austin Powers was on the stand, but no, it's an Oklahoma judge. And get this, he's been accused of using it in the courtroom during trials. One former employee said she saw the guy expose himself at least 15 times. You'd think after, um, I don't know, ONCE, it might have been something worth reporting.

10-Year Erections Are a Bad Thing, I Guess

Steel and plastic. I like 'em both.

But I don't want them in my dick.

Chick Lennon of Providence, R.I., however, thought it was a good idea to accept such a penile implant, which left him with a raging hard-on for 10 years. And now he's $400,000 richer, thanks to a lawsuit victory.

Now, I've never had an erection for 10 years. I guess high school and college count for eight, so we're close. Maybe you can curve that data because I attended college during the grunge era, when flannel (ugh!) was in, the coked-up '80s was out, and Britney had yet to influence a whole generation of sluts in low-rise jeans and exposed thongs. In other words, great fucking timing.

But get this: 10-year-erections are bad.

According to the AP, Lennon claimed "he could no longer hug people, ride a bike, swim or wear bathing trunks." I don't know that isn't offset by being able to fuck all night, but whatever. Money is money.

Finally, This Thought:

• When I wrote for ESPN.com, countless readers would ask me how to to land a gig at the Worldwide Leader in Dominoes. (I always told them the same thing: simultaneous bathroom handjobs for Stuart Scott and The Schwab.) Anyway, I'm wondering how you get to be the offbeat news editor at the AP. Is that a low-level gig or, as I suspect, the choice job in the office? I mean, would you prefer to be the sports-wrap guy who writes boring leads, or call some schmuck in Nebraska and ask him how his severed testicle is doing and whether or not he plans to do woodworking naked again?

• Thanks to Pee Wee for the link. I wish you'd all comment more, but the e-mails are great. Always appreciated.

• Image blatantly stolen from my buddy Tequila Dave's website. I originally searched Google Images for "erection," and let's just say it wasn't pretty. I think I would have been less sickened querying "Free nude pictures of Ann Coulter taking a dump."

Today's Web Finds:

• Screw Screech! — I knew Dustin Diamond's T-shirt sale to save his house would incite people who'd rather pay to see him homeless in Wisconsin. This proves it. And so does Drinking With Bob's video rant.

• Some Dude Goes Down on Victoria Silvstedt, Then She Smells His Feet — The "Boom Goes the Dynamite" kid just celebrated the invention of the Internet. No one's gonna remember him after this. (Thanks, Laurie)

• On Tape: Rep Won't Let Customer Quit AOL — Some dude calls AOL to cancel his account. The rep tries to "help" him by pestering him with stupid questions to make him stay. Even Special Ed isn't that dumb. Do you got mail? (Thanks, Tim)

• A Cheater's Guide to Board Games — Battleship is based on the honor system, no? Ha, that shit hasn't worked for 1,000 years. (Found on Gorilla Mask)

• Republican Leadership Obsessed With Bush's Ass — I've now linked to penis and man-ass. That's it for you ladies for a loooong time.

• The Sports Guy: The YouTube Hall of Fame — If you haven't seen this already, Bill Simmons indexed a ton of great video clips from everyone's favorite copyright-infringement site. Some are even related to sports! Fuck WWE for making someone take down the Fuji Vice clip. (Hey, it's on WWE.com if you're dumb enough to pay for it.)

• NASCAR Stage Diving Goes Horribly Bad — And by bad, I mean it's awesome. As one Deadspin visitor wrote, the fact that no one got hurt makes it less funny.

• Party Held at Animal House's Doug Neidermeyer's Restaurant Gets Out of Hand — Love this part: "According to a police report, one officer found what 'appeared to be a pair of male feet and a pair of what appeared to be female feet' inside a stall in the women's restroom." Sheep? Donkey? Who knows! Guess that was more romantic than the men's shitter. This also took place in Wisconsin, but Screech couldn't afford a taxi to the bash. (Thanks, Joe)

• Top Ten Female Streakers — Finally, some boobs. (Found on Cracked)

• The First Annual Superman Roast — Cracked asked New York comics to throw their best barbs at the Man of Steel. Here's Joe DeRosa's take on why Kate Bosworth is no Margot Kidder: "I like my Lois to look like she just downed a fifth of Rumplemintz and a handful of perks while the Daily Planet staff ran a train on her in the copy room at the Christmas party."

World Cup Protest Turns Deadly (To Women's Libidos)

Tuesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• South Korean makes his (skid)mark on tourney
• It's "Chacin Cologne Night" in Toronto
• eBay: Sacramento Monarchs championship ring
• ESPN: "Jack Adams" wins Jack Adams Award
• YouTube: Tyson-Spinks vid on anniversary
• Greatest soccer video games of all time
• Adult kickball league has ... practice?
• World Cup ticket thief sits next to victim's husband
• Seinfeld flashback: You not say Ukraine weak!
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

NYC: America's Safest Big City. Now With Manners!

(Pic from my visit last year aboard the U.S.S. JFK.)

Whenever an American over the age of 30 tells me he's never been to New York, I look at him like he's got three heads. Now, I know not everyone's a big-city guy, but we're talking about the world's most influential city of the 20th Century.

Wouldn't you be curious to see what the fuss is about?

Would these same people, if they lived within a three-hour flight to Paris, never visit there, either?

I don't get it.

Our brave servicemen came to town for last month's annual Fleet Week festivities, and a 39-year-old Navy guy told he it was his first trip to NYC. Having a travel resumé that included visits to 25 countries, he rated New Yorkers as the friendliest people he'd ever encountered. Sadly, he also said that he always thought a trip to New York came with a risk of being "mugged or killed."

A guy protecting our country had such a wrong impression about its most populous city, thinking it was a mean, dangerous place. Wow.

Two recent reports dispel those myths (though random crime and rude behavior can never be eradicated in a metro area of 22 million), and it's my pleasure to pimp them.

• FBI Ranks NYC America's Safest Big City ... Again — This comes as no surprise to me. There's nowhere I feel safer than on streets that are populated into the early morning every night. Compare that to when I walked the main streets of Lucerne, Switzerland, at midnight on a Monday and didn't see a car or person for minutes. I was freaking out.

• Readers Digest Poll: New Yorkers Are Polite? You Bet — In a politeness test of 36 cities in 35 countries — weighing such criteria as salespeople saying "thank you" and strangers helping to pick up a dropped folder of papers — New York ranked numero uno. Almost without fail, when I ask tourists what they think of New York, they say the people are much nicer than expected. It's an altogether uplifting and saddening conversation.

Other New York Links:

• Women Have Seen It All on Subway, Unwillingly — OK, not everyone here is a saint. Gropers and flashers abound. Unfortunately, they're all guys.

• Scruffy Duffy's Dress Code — My favorite Times Square-area sports bar puts the kibosh on tilted caps, jeans shorts and wife-beaters, saying "Perhaps you are not a thug. Okay, then you are an idiot for trying to emulate one."

• SeamlessWeb — Enter your zip code and find a wide range of restaurants that take delivery orders through this site. Set your tip and pay by credit card. Works great.

• 42nd Street Just Ain't What It Used To Be — Gothamist's write-up on Forgotten-NY's compelling photo feature on the lost 42nd Street.

• He's Clinging to his Clunker — Inwood resident Harry Ettling gains notoriety by driving a 1982 Honda Civic that can only be described as a piece of shit.

• Shops of Dirty Horror — An Upper East Side Rite Aid — which failed six straight sanitary inspections — distinguishes itself as the dirtiest store in the city, thanks to "such problems as hundreds of mouse droppings and food gnawed by rodents." Yum!

Oh Yeah? Let's See Ghana Beat THIS!

Final: Ghana 2, United States 1

Well, that about wraps it up for U.S. soccer till 2010. I guess Bode Miller has someone to make fun of now.

Our basketball, baseball and soccer teams have all flopped in their most-recent international tournaments. And that means, with Lance Armstrong retired, the most clutch athlete we have on the world stage is ... The Flying Tomato!

At times like this, it's important to remember all the great things about our country:

1. We can still bomb the shit out of any country we want, at any time, for whatever reason. (And it doesn't even have to be a good reason.)

2. The best porn in the world, hands down, is produced in sunny California. Give it up for the runaways!

3. Even our cigarette companies look out for your health with those warning labels. They're all heart.

4. Name me one other country remotely capable of producing a show as cerebral as Judge Hatchett. "Ah, na you di'n't!"

5. Dustin Fucking Diamond

As for the game:

• Good crowd at Scruffy Duffy's for the 10 a.m. ET game. Not much of a standing crowd, but all seats were taken. Figure about 60 people in the joint.

• I actually leaped off my bar stool when we tied the score. Do I even have to say that's the first time I've ever done that for soccer?

• The bald guy in goal seemed to be our MVP of the tourney. And he gave up six times as many goals as we put into our opponents' nets. (Not counting Italy's own-goal, of course.)

• I thought the blonde metrosexual who kicks the ball played well, too.

• ESPN's crowd shots in Times Square cracked me up. Dude, it's always that crowded there.

• In the 16th minute, it was announced that Larry Brown was fired as head coach of the Knicks, and that Isiah Thomas would take over. I'm presuming everyone in Times Square just killed themselves.

• Saw Al Sharpton on his cell phone on the street after the game. He didn't look too pissed.

• Watched the Italy-Czech game on an adjacent TV and saw one of the Italians writhing on the ground and grabbing his ass again. Is that in their playbook or something?

• Ghana was called for twice as many fouls as us (32-16), yet our players were still one-quarter as likely to be seen rolling on the turf, clutching their legs and calling someone to administer last rites. Clearly, we're branding ourselves as a little more macho than most teams.

• Not giving up on the World Cup just yet, but I'm not sure which team to latch onto. I'm techinically half-Italian, but I don't really buy into that crap when I'm 100% American. I guess I'll support whichever team has the most broads slutting it in those wire photos. In other words, goooooo Sweden!

What in the World Is This Guy Filming?

Thursday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Pan right, you World Cup jackass!
• Sandwich should be named after Charles Barkley
• N.C. newsman pisses on Canes' parade
• Dwyane Wade isn't better than Gilbert Arenas?
• David Wright longs for the day people call him a homo
• Gonazaga recruits kid who finished H.S. freshman year
• Letterman Top Ten on Geoff Ogilvy's win
• Video: Drunk Mavs fans bitch and whine
• Anniversary of Maradona's most-famous goals
• Bobby Meacham to make Yankees Old Timers Day debut
• Chinese fans dying over World Cup excitement
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Photos: Yankees 9, Phillies 7 at Citizens Bank Park

On Tuesday evening, I made my maiden visit to Citizens Bank Park in Philadelphia, a city once labeled by Maxim as "a glorified piss break between New York and Washington."

A photo album has been posted (the usual few good ones, the rest whatever) on my Fotki account, and here's how things went down:

• Having arrived early, travel partner J-No and I took in some batting practice from the right-field seats. That's when Derek Jeter almost broke my right hand. Yep, El Capitan scorched an opposite-field drive into the stands, close enough for me to reach out and try to make a one-handed stab. It hit me flush, but all I caught was a sting for the next 15 minutes. About two pitches later, another missile came within several feet of me. No fucking way was I going after it.

• Sampled a CBP specialty sandwich called The Schmitter, which is basically a cheesesteak with fried salami, tomato and special sauce. Thankfully, I didn't have to run for the Schmitter after eating it. Good stuff.

• The guy who wore a Yankees cap and a Cowboys jersey to that place? That took balls, man. That being said, I didn't see a single fight, even thought the locals were a little less receptive to this NY invasion than, say, Baltimore. But really, who can Philly even try to rag on? Among cities with teams in all four major sports leagues, Philly has suffered the longest without a championship (Sixers in 1983). Those fans chanting "Yankees suck!" is like the folks at Ask Jeeves busting on Google.

• In the middle of the first inning, the PA announcer delivered a lengthy warning that abusive, disruptive conduct — and pretty much any behavior associated with being a modern-day assclown — will not be tolerated, and that patrons are encouraged to seek stadium staffers if a problem arises. Thought that was pretty cool.

• If anything could make me chuckle during the national anthem, it's seeing the Philly Phanatic cover his heart. I mean, that's just a little bit corny, no?

• If Ryan Howard had hit a bomb off Mariano Rivera in the ninth, giving him three home runs, a triple and all 10 of his team's RBIs in a one-run walk-off victory, that may have been the greatest solo act in baseball history.

• To the steady stream of people who hit the exits during a seventh-inning tie at 9:30 p.m.: You came to the park why?

• Bernie Williams went 5-for-5, with two extra-base hits, yet managed just one run scored and one RBI. That's pretty hard to do when your teammates notch 10 additional hits, three walks and a HBP.

• With his double-play ball to end the eighth inning — his second of the night — Alex Rodriguez had accounted for six of the Yankees' 24 outs up till that point.

• J-No and I agreed that the scoreboard looked like it read Red Sux 8, Nationals 0, in the second inning, at around 7:20 p.m., but it was too early in the evening and Livan Hernandez's number was still on the board (he wouldn't have lasted that many runs, I surmised). Soon thereafter, we saw it change to Red Sux 2, Nationals 0. Now that made more sense. What was possibly an 8 really had been a 0, as we'd hoped. A couple innings later, it actually did become 8-0 Sux. Can't even compute the odds on that coincidence.

• Citizens Bank Park was much like Camden in its kick-ass-ness. Open-air, great views, huuuge scoreboard, lots of food and drink stands, no wait to take a piss and, best of all, plenty of public areas to move around, shoot photos and watch the game from a variety of vantage points. Counting the days till the new Yankee Stadium opens.

Reviews: 'Nacho Libre,' 'Waiting...' and 'Up for Grabs'

Quick surveys of recent flicks I've seen:

Nacho Libre: The best thing I could say about this movie is that I once hated Anchorman and Napoleon Dynamite with equal passion, before both kinda grew on me as catch-phrase kings. But as of now, I have to say that Nacho Libre sucked.

The idea of Jack Black as a pro wrestler is too good to fuck up, one would think, but I gave up early on trying to fake a laugh to justify the $10.75 theater price. The ham-and-egger Times Square crowd seemed to like it enough — ya know, clapping at the end like seals — but I found School of Rock to be massively superior. Damn shame, as I held out hope for (finally) a comedy sans Will Ferrell, Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn or the Wilson brothers, lukewarm reviews notwithstanding.
Related: IMDB (users: 6.2/10) | Metacritic (media: 52/100)

Waiting...: This movie featuring, but not starring, Dane Cook got absolute shit reviews. But Netflix makes anything worth a gamble, and this one paid off huge. I seriously laughed at loud at even the most predictable moments, like when the kitchen staff at Shenanigans paid back a rude bitch of a customer by adding extra gravy to the mashed potatoes, some "frumunda" cheese to the bread and garlic salt for the steak. I almost peed myself when Cook added a garnish of alfalfa for that "touch of class." No guacamole, of course, because you can't mix Mexican with Continental.

Interestingly, you'll see that IMDB users rated the movie significantly higher than media know-it-alls. The New York Times called it "putrid comic stew," but I say it's worth a shot. If you don't mind seeing the Goat.
Related: IMDB (users: 6.9/10) | Metacritic (media: 30/100) | Script

Up for Grabs This documentary tells the story of the fight over Barry Bonds' 73rd home run of the 2001 season, the one which both Patrick Hayashi and Alex Popov fought over in court.

I first caught wind of the controversy by reading the incomparable Gary Smith's feature in the July 29, 2002 edition of Sports Illustrated — and followed all the major legal happenings along the way — so I had a huge head start. But this was definitely a worthwhile viewing, even though it casts a sharp yet depressing light on how greedy people can be when there's hundreds of thousands of dollars at stake. Then again, who can say they'd just let that opportunity go?

The most reasonable person in the film is Bonds himself, and that's saying something.

In exchange for the free DVD, I promised to plug this MLB.com page, where you can download the film for $10 or have the DVD delivered for $20 plus shipping. Why anyone would pay that much is beyond me — what, are you gonna watch it five times? — but it's also available on Netflix and comes recommended by me.
Related: IMDB (users: 8.2/10) | Metacritic (media: 69/100)

This Is Our 83rd Biggest Celebrity? Uh-Oh

In just this decade alone, we've side-stepped several significant signs of the apocalypse, the most recent being 6/6/06. We began 2000 with the Y2K bug, which threatened to clean out bank records worldwide and, worse, kill a refrigerator light or two. Not to mention the reelection of George W. Bush.

But now comes something really scary, Forbes.com's ranking of Top 100 Celebrities, which lists Larry the Cable Guy at No. 83. The same guy who made $19 million over the past 12 months while sporting a wardrobe that costs $4.98 with Wal-Mart coupons.

There is hope, however, that Forbes is merely late in posting an April Fool's gag, as they refer to LTCG as a "blue-collar, red-state funny man," and I've never heard those last two words used to describe him. (Though I have seen LTCG ranked atop at least one list on AmIAnnoying.com.)

Also on the celeb list, even more indicators of the world's sophisticated tastes: Dr. Phil McGraw (No. 22), Celine Dion (No. 24), Rachel Ray (No. 81) and Ryan Seacrest (No. 88).

Good luck to suicide-prevention hotlines today. Gotta be hard to talk someone off a bridge after learning that a 30-minute kitchen chef is more famous than all but 80 people in a world of billions.

Related: Here's an old video of Larry the Cable Guy when he was performing under his real name, Dan Whitney.

Today's Web Finds:

• Video: David Lee Roth Performs Jump ACOUSTIC — Best Week Ever blog claims the world really did come to an end on 6/6/06, when DLR hit the stage on The Tonight Show that night.

• Daily Show Clip: Bush Gets Fooled — The ol' "Fool me once ... ... shame on you. Fool me ... we can't get fooled again" speech. Not awkward at all.

• Dustin Diamond Selling T-Shirts to Save His House — Screech is pimping this business so he doesn't end up homeless in Wisconsin. Which is what most people would probably pay to see, anyway. (Thanks, Joe)

• AOL Feature: America's Hottest Bartenders — Featuring guys and gals in such locales as New York, Miami, Vegas, L.A., etc. This being an AOL product, it absolutely, completely sucks. But go ahead and see if any of your favorite drink-slingers are in there.

• 10 Things Your Rental Car Company Won't Tell You — No. 10 is: "We offer some terrific deals — on Thursdays when the moon is full." Cool, that's when I like to travel.

• Video: Jamie Kennedy Rollin' With Saget — Would have been way funnier if it wasn't a Lazy Sunday rip-off. Still, it's not too bad, but the white-guy-doing-hip-hop thing has about 3 minutes left.

• Sudoku Toilet Paper — I wonder if the inventor of the game ever bragged to his skeptical friends, "Someday, this will be so huge, people will be wiping their shit on it!" (Found on College Humor)

• YouTube: Funny DUI — This police questioning involves one dropped wallet, one significant plumber's crack, two stumbles into walls, and one needed can of spackle. (Thanks, John)

• Crank Yankers Clip: Niles Foils Match.com Hook-Up Phone Call — See what happens when some dork extraordinaire calls Louise to advance their online romance. He says he has a "very good body" (of course), thinks she sounds really sexy and inquires if she's into anal. Listening on another phone, Niles says he wants to put a florescent lightbulb and bicycle horn up Louise's ass. For some reason, the caller freaks out.

• Website Offers Modeling Service to Help Sell Your T-Shirts — For $75/hour, models in NY/NJ/PA are available to be photographed wearing your product. I don't know how much extra it would cost to have them change in front of you. (Thanks, Kevin)

U.S. Manages Draw Playing Nine on 10. Or Was it 11?

I'll be the first to admit my soccer ignorance, but it seemed to me the officials had done a bang-up job throughout the first round of the World Cup. When players were called for fouls, or hit with cards, announcers had lauded the refs for getting the calls exactly right. Officials were performing, it seemed to me, at world-class levels, just like the players.

Until Saturday. Against us. And damn, that sucked.

Because the U.S.-Italy game was really, really awesome, until referee Jorge Larrionda, as SI.com's Mark Bechtel described, "began pulling out his red card like he was a six-year-old showing his favorite Christmas gift."

I saw this game with some friends at Scruffy Duffy's in Times Square. Perfect location, because of the tourist quotient that elevated the soccer knowledge to higher than you might find, say, in my hood on the Upper West Side. SRO crowd, tons of TVs, sound up, passers-by peering in from the street, and a lot of energy to match the inspiring first-half performance of the Americans.

You know what happened: The Italians converted a perfect corner kick, our own constant pressure forced an own-goal by Italy, then a series of red cards — one for them, followed by two for us — changed the entire dynamic of the game. Less players means more space and more running, and I don't know how our guys managed to hold on without collapsing.

Collapsing, it appears, is something other teams do. Like Italy, whose players writhed like freshly reeled-in fish on seemingly every foul. The two most overheard phrases at the bar were "Let's go!" (to us) and "You pussy!" (to them). Let the record show which team took a gash-inducing elbow blow that hardly paused play, and which team's medical staff was applying ice to ass on the sideline.

But if that's how the game is played, so be it. I'm just an observer here.

My buddy Pat wonders if the U.S. is "strategically stupid for not taking more pussified dives." It's a valid question because either a) we were thugs; or b) Italy worked the refs successfully. You can have it both ways, but to only a slight degree on one side. One of those premises has to dominate.

Another friend Ayan was at the game (and I'm becoming increasing jealous over his trip) and reports that fans of countries uninvolved in this group were all cheering for Italy, more accurately against the United States. I'd thought the U.S. would've inspired such soccer-mad folks by playing a style of intense ball in the first half that would make any footie proud.

But, as Ayan notes: "I have yet to see anyone from outside the USA cheer for the USA team." Yep, even in this "beautiful" game, in which ideals of humanity and sportsmanship are shoved down our throat, on-field whining and off-field politics rear their ugly heads.

(If anyone knows of a good bar that will be open to watch the U.S.-Ghana game in NYC on Thursday at 10 a.m. — good Bloody Marys are a must! — shoot me a note.)

Oh, and one more thing: shout-to to the guy who emerged from a Scruffy Duffy's stall with a pint of beer. Drinking while taking a crap? Now that's dedication.

World Comes Together for Soccer

Big ups to Shumpy for pointing out these galleries of World Cup babes in bodypaint. All 32 countries are represented, including Saudi Arabia, whose Latino-looking rep features a close-up crotch shot. I'm sure infuriated Muslim clerics will demand a beheading, after they're done rubbing one out.

(NOTE: That site is littered with hardcore ads and loads painfully slow. So, I guess while you're waiting for the content to deliver, go ahead and click on those hardcore ads.)

In other news, I just applied for citizenship in Sweden...

I can't tell you how excited I am for another four weeks of wire photos from this World Cup.

Soccer: The World's Most Beautiful Game

Friday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• More ridiculous World Cup photos
• Tommy Lasorda stumping for free meals?
• Charlie Weis pulls a Sensei John Kreese
• English footballers' hottest girlfriends
• Get yer "Buckstache" hats and T-shirts
• Groupies jump into Mavs' postgame shower
• eBay: Roethlisberger's replica motorcycle helmet
• Consistently overrated college football teams
• Happy 36th birthday to Phil Mickelson
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Imagine if There Was a Masturbated-To Hall of Fame

(EDITOR'S NOTE: This article is for people who've masturbated at least once in their lives. Those who haven't are encouraged to leave these premises.)

OK, now that we're all still here, allow me to riff on one of the idiotic things I think about when pretending to listen to others.

I'm talking about an online tracking system that would tally how many times someone has been masturbated to. You know, in someone's thoughts when they're pumping at the self-service station.

Think about the possibilities:

1. We could have a Masturbated-To Hall of Fame. Wouldn't you care to know who's No. 1 all-time? Is it Marilyn Monroe? Pam Anderson? Jenna Jameson? Is there a comparable celeb that's one leaked sex tape away from taking the career lead? Is Cindy Margolis a first-ballot Hall of Famer, or did she benefit from posting photos in the Geocities dead-ball (non-nude) era, before eight gazillion free porn sites were launched?

2. Everyday people could check their stats. Whoever is the all-time leader — I'd guess Pam, because even nuns have seen her naked at least five times, and she's of the Internet era — has got to have a tally in the hundreds of millions. But what about the rest of us? I'd be disappointed if I had less than 100. People would make this their home page, I'm telling you.

3. People would be categorized by profession, age, location, etc. We could easily look up the hottest teachers. No more waiting for Playboy to find attractive McDonald's workers, a species rarer than a Monday afternoon stripper with a full set of teeth. With such a database, we could go straight to Mickey D's and actually stalk them. How cool would that be? Plus, with those tall counters and all, you could bump up the stats without even going to jail. Perhaps.

4. Full advanced-search capability, of course. Wonder if you're the only one liquidating the inventory while watching Bikini Airways on HBO? Well, wonder no more. Search for a certain actress during a specific time period — say, at the exact interval of a five-minute sex scene — and voila! Knowing that 1,723 other guys were wrestling with their emotions, however, might bring back some haunted circle-jerk memories from your pledge class. Then again, it was your choice to go to West Virginia.

5. A Who's Hot list. Kinda like a most-emailed index you find on media sites. Maybe you're in the top three for your area code in the last 24 hours. Add a couple of panty shots on your MySpace page and that top spot is yours.

6. Certify the certifiables. It's pretty hard to imagine any celeb has a career mark of 0. See if you've got Bea Arthur beat. Or Rosie O'Donnell. Chart Corey Feldman from the '80s on. Jared Fogle? The members of Mini KISS? Todd Peterson? The fat cheerleader from Dodgeball? Eleanor Roosevelt after FDR danced with worms? C'mon, don't even pretend you're not curious.

7. True conversaion stats for porn sites. Every site tracks number of page views and all, but how do you know if the content is working? With this system, believe me, you'll know if it's working.

Well, there you have it. A need for an online tracking system to chart who's been masturbated to. I think it's a winner.

Other Random (and Equally Intelligent) Thoughts:

• Sports fans should look forward to buying their own celebrated, common something when their favorite sports teams win a title. Just as players look forward to hoisting the Stanley Cup, or being rewarded with rings that "no one can ever take away," I should have four of something from the Yankees' World Series victories in 1996 and 1998-2000. We all should. Mavs and Heat fans should be looking forward to that elusive something that all NBA fans rush out to buy when their teams win. I'm not talking about some DVD or crappy T-shirt. More like piece of bling, or something to display at tailgates, the exact something all of your fellow fans will buy. As it is, there are a million different mementoes sold, but wouldn't it be cool if there was one thing everyone just had to have?

• Now that the Ivory Coast got dusted in its opening-round World Cup game, do they go back to slaughtering each other? Is Bono gonna keep me posted on that?

• Nothing is more startling than standing on a street corner and having a bus pull up five feet in front of your face with a billboard featuring a shirtless, tights-wearing Jack Black pimping the upcoming Nacho Libre movie.

• You have to reeeeaaaaly want to be President to run in 2008 with the hopes of taking over that shitstorm in Iraq. What was Bush's biggest problem when he took over in 2001, buying new keyboards when Clinton's staff took out the W's? Compared to becoming the next Prez, the Knicks' soon-to-be-vacated (we think) coaching gig sounds like a dream job.

• When Roger Clemens says he makes decisions with his family in mind, he's talking about his family of Benjamins, correct?

• Yankees "fans" who boo A-Rod after an MVP season and winning AL Player of the Month for May: Exactly what positive impact do you expect this response to have on your best player and your (supposed) favorite team? It's not helping, if you haven't noticed. And it's not exactly branding Yankee Stadium as an optimal destination for future free agents. So, thanks a lot, assholes.

• Had to wonder if people realize the irony in wishing someone a "Happy Memorial Day." Happy day of remembrance for those killed in combat? OK, got it.

• Nothing says I just left Manhattan like seeing a mustache.

• If PEOPLE magazine is interested in the "first baby pics" of my future kid with Stacy Keibler, I guess I cold go to their offices and spooge on the photo editor's desk. Can't get any earlier in the process than that.

• Had my first-ever Cheesecake Factory dining experience Tuesday and couldn't believe how huge the portions were. Couple that with the joint's affinity for desserts, and you've got one helluva utopia for slobs. I loved it!

Fast-Kicking! Low-Scoring! And Ties? You Bet!

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Absolutely hilarious Simpsons soccer clip
• Chris Russo pulls a Homer Simpson as well
• eBay: Auto'd photo of Big Ben on motorcycle
• Islamics kill to prevent World Cup vieweing
• Magic Johnson to lend name to cafeteria chain
• Retired racehorses face salvation or slaughter
• Should we suspect golfers of taking steroids?
• Writer capitalizes on "fake" Sux fans
• Former Syracuse RB Reyes chases down would-be robbers
• Happy 37th birthday to Steffi Graf
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

World Cup Fever Ends Up Giving Me Ghana-ria

When Bono advised me, in those ESPN commercials, that "One Game Changes Everything" during the World Cup, I felt I'd better pay attention. After all, the man did say everything. And it's not like a guy wearing blue sunglasses would ever exaggerate.

Armed with a copy of the New York Sun and a hunger for sliders and cheese fries, I saddled up to the bar at the Upper West Side's Gin Mill promptly at noon Monday to see the United States' best-ever squad take on the Czech Republic.

I navigated around the sea of 11 other die-hard fans in the place, fortunately secured one of 65 or so empty seats, and readied myself for a cataclysmic affair that would make household names of whomever the hell I was gonna watch for the next two hours.

Here's what I wrote down in my notes:

2nd Minute: Guy behind me yells, in response to the Americans' play so far, "C'mon, fellas, stop fucking around." I'm beginning to feel more comfortable, as I'm familiar with this very same impatient whining at Yankee Stadium.

4th Minute: A Florida Gators ornament reminds me that the bar packs in 200 U of F alumni for each of their football games. So, U.S. soccer in New York City is about 5% as popular as SEC football. Imagine the impact, though, if we're finally able to host a World Cup. Ya know, like again.

5th Minute: Ivan Drago scores on a header for the Czechs. There's still a lot of game to be played, so there's no need to panic.

6th Minute: Announcer Dave O'Brien tells us that the U.S., which has never won a World Cup game on European soil, has also never won when scored upon first. PANIC!!!

16th Minute: ESPN shows a graphic that Landon Donovan hasn't scored a goal in his last 11 international matches, a period spanning roughly 1,200 minutes. This is our best-known player, by the way.

28th Minute: The U.S. narrowly misses a tying goal when a shot hits the post. Easily the most exciting play I've ever seen in U.S. soccer history.

36th Minute: Tending to the Sun's crossword puzzle, the Cechs go up 2-0 while I write in a three-letter word for ground cover: S-O-D. Three-letter word for the U.S. chances right now: S-O-L.

42nd Minute: Ivan Drago injures his knee and is carted off on a stretcher. Huge loss for the Czechs. Kinda like the Colts losing Peyton Manning when they're already up by six touchdowns.

Halftime: ESPN reports on the biggest sports news of the day: Ben Roethlisberger suffering serious injuries in a motorcycle accident. Millions of Americans are left to ponder how an NFL quarterback, who risks being mangled every time he drops back to pass, can take such chances on the road.

46th Through 75th Minutes: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!

76th Minute: Czechs go up 3-0, making the odds of a U.S. comeback about the same as Hugh Hefner knocking on my door and offering his Playboy empire in exchange for a couple of oven mitts.

Final Minute: Ref's whistle cements the game that "changed everything." If you consider change the same ol' shit we're used to.

Lasting Thoughts:

• I know there had to have been some American fans in the crowd — I mean, look at that rack over there on the right — but I sure didn't see any U.S. crowd shots on TV. Memo to ESPN: When the game gets out of hand, find the tits!

• ESPN's announcers really hammered the U.S. squad for their lack of tenacity and execution. I merit them for admitting we were watching a clunker and having the integrity not displayed by the network's World Baseball Classic talking heads, who rammed down our throat every two minutes how wonderful the event was.

• The U.S. put one shot on goal. The Czechs could have replaced keeper Petr Cech with Abu Musab al-Zarqawi's corpse and still won by two goals.

• In a trip to Circuit City after the game, I saw that the complete fourth season of Home Improvement is on DVD. I'd rather watch a 24-hour replay marathon of the U.S.-Czech Republic soccer game.

• A reminder that my friend Ayan is in Germany and blogging about his World Cup experiences. I'm sure he'll have a more cerebral take on the tournament and a first-hand account of which country has sent the most number of chicks with hairy armpits.

Hockey and Dog Crap, Together at Last

Monday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Turd Burglar combines my two least-favorites
• Video: Hilarious martial-arts foul-up
• Secretariat's shoe nail sells for $6,100
• Shaq can't take a dump in peace
• Rain Delay Bucket Caps look good on you, though
• Eastern Illinois linebacker named Lucious Pusey
• Reds fan spends $80 on "some" beer and food
• Horse race fan sad to see gravy train get hurt
• Anniversary of "unsolved" Brown/Goldman murders
• Rocco Baldelli creates art with sunflower seeds
• Custom printed toilet paper perfect for sports fans
• Slate: How Brazilian soccer stars get their names
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Are Latinos Softening On-Field Baseball Rivalries?

One of the great things about not writing for a protect-your-ass public company is that, when subjects of sports and race warrant discussion, I can give it a shot without fear of losing a job.

Previously, I asked "Why Are All the Best Running Backs and Wide Receivers Black?" That quarter-century trend is so obvious that it's laughable — and sad — that major media outlets refuse to touch it. (Unless you're dumb enough to think it's just coincidence that, say, the last time a white running back led either the AFC or NFC in rushing was Oakland's Mark van Eeghen in 1977. There are significant influences, and I'm interested to know what they are.)

Now, inspired by YES network's video of David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez clowning with Melky Cabrera before Thursday's Yankees game — something that, on the surface, might induce vomiting from Boston to New York — I'm wondering if Latinos, and perhaps Dominicans specifically, have so much love for their compatriots that they're softening on-field baseball rivalries.

Not that there's anything wrong with it.

If you've seen any interview with Lou Piniella, Dwight Evans, Graig Nettles or Carlton Fisk, then you know those late-1970s Yankees and Red Sux teams genuinely disliked each other. I don't think that's the case now, and there are plenty of reasons for it:

1. Player Movement: Guys switch teams way more then in previous eras. So, a veteran on Team A is much more likely to have played somewhere, sometime, with veterans on team B.

2. Shared Agents: No longer are contracts negotiated by second cousins with law degrees. These guys align themselves with agencies that have lineups that would make George Steinbrenner blush. And I'm sure said agencies throw hella stripper parties, which are well-attended.

3. When I Say the Boy's Got His Own Money... These fuckers are rich, man. Hell, I'd give Curt Schilling a hug if we were both making $15 million a year.

In addition to that, I think Latinos, who comprise higher and higher percentages of MLB rosters, are thrilled to see each other succeed — even on opposing teams. More than Americans, for example, root for their fellow countrymen.

The main reason, as I see it, is that these guys generally (and perhaps wholly) don't come from families of privilege. The word "fortunate" is never more appropriate than when applied to someone who came to America to perform a skill at the highest level in the world. And I respect these guys' appreciation for what they have: fame, fortune and perspective.

After losing Game 2 of the 2004 ALCS at Yankee Stadium, Pedro Martinez suffered a bit of ridicule for his "mango tree" tale. Some thought he should've care more about the loss than reminding us that he was happy to have been "the center of New York" 15 years after "sitting under a mango tree without 50 cents to pay for a bus."

But I gained a new appreciation for the guy. I thought it was heart-felt, sensible and exactly what fans seem to look for when they say these "spoiled" athletes don't realize how lucky they are. Sometimes, these players can't win, and that was one of those cases.

Latinos, it seems to me, address the game as a game a little more than some. And I think it's rubbing off on the rest of the MLB culture. At least enough to warrant a discussion.

Not that they don't play as hard or as fundamentally sound (maybe even more so). Just throwing stuff out here. But have you met my friend, Manny Ramirez? You can't throw at the guy for what he does. You might placate Joe Schmo in Section 6, who jumps over kids to get a foul ball, but a lot of people fielding behind the pitcher love Manny more than they do the pitcher. Manny's act used to bug the shit out of me. But if the Yankees don't care what he does, why should I?

The one problem I do have is that, if you're gonna buy into this sports stuff and allow the results to matter you, then you at least want to pretend your favorite team hates your rival. When I see images of Yanks and Sux hugging and clowning before a game, I feel like a sucker for what I put into it the night before. It's like seeing the Iron Sheik and Sgt. Slaughter having breakfast together. It kinda ruins the fantasy.

Maybe there's nothing to this. The NFL doesn't have a strong Latin contingent, yet it has more and more love-fests before and after games — though I think that's because pro football is violent beyond belief, and they just wanna get through it alive. Or maybe I'm just wrong on this whole thing. (Wouldn't be the first time.)

I Don't Know Who Ordered Beaks, But it Wasn't Me

The other day I caught a few minutes of Crank Yankers — I didn't know it still aired — and reminisced about the days when Bobby Fletcher would burp in people's faces and Danny would barf over the phone. Exactly the type of highbrow comedy I love.

So I ventured to Comedy Central's website to see what's doing in Yankerville and found that its Crank Yankers website is more robust than ever. Especially concerning the archived videos, where it seems a higher percentage of clips make the cut.

There are a couple of problems with it, though.

First, everything has been moved from their previous homes. Thus, a write-up I did on Elmer's love for Poop Chute Ruth contains several now-dead links. Nobody foolishly abandons referral traffic like official company websites.

Second, the videos are limited to 1:30 minutes in length. Why, I don't know. Someone must've decided that streaming full-length segments would cost Comedy Central untold riches. Someone who probably knows less about the Internet than a seventh-grader.

But the interface works well, and they do have one of my favorite clips in there: "Elmer Lodges a Complaint," when one of Jimmy Kimmel's characters reports a beak found in his bucket of fried chicken. ("You know those things chickens have on their faces ... THAT THEY EAT WITH?!")

Unfortunately, with the clip cut short, you don't get to hear Elmer say, in response to a replacement offer, "I don't want it if it's gonna be all beaky."

(Oh, and the Poop Chute Ruth clip is there, too, in Season 2 Page 3, titled "Elmer Calls a Brothel." So grab your friends, and your brother Charlie, and come down "Saturday night" at 4:30 in the afternoon to make love to some black girls in the poop chute.)

And don't forget to vote Tony Deloge as District Selectman!

Also see:

• Crank Yankers Soundboard — Navigate to Elmer to hear him say, "I just saw somethin' that made me wanna crap!"

• Wikipedia's Crank Yankers Entry — A place to find out which well-known comedians voice each character, plus such tid-bits as the names of Birchum's fallen 'Nam platoon members (Espinoza, McCann, Jackson, Hernandez and Dejacamo).

Today's Web Finds:

• Conversations Spammers Must Think We Have — A humorous take on what must go through the minds of customers who actually fall for spam. Assuming they have minds.

• Ranking: Loss of Natural Teeth By State — In the song "Country Roads," John Denver refers to West Virginia as "almost heaven." Um, not to dentists. (Found on Gorilla Mask.)

• Interview With Ari Gold — HBO.com's interactive feature allows you to interview for a job under the prickly Entourage agent. A job I didn't get after telling him his office smelled like Bigfoot's dick. (Found on Thrillist)

• Tera Patrick on How to Make Homemade Porn — Let's see, from the leaked celebrity sex vids I've seen, you're gonna need: drugs, ass pimples, a washed-up rock star and, of course, a night vision camera.

• Orignal Video of William Hung's American Idol Performance — If for no other reason than it still cracks me up.

• Photoshop: Celebrities as Clowns — Carrot Top's image reminds of food, but I wouldn't look at it after eating. (Found on Umm... Yeah)

• T-Shirt: Your Mom Is in My Top 8 — For the MySpace crowd, especially you people with custom templates that give me seizures. My MySpace page.

• Video: Pink Gets Nipple Pierced — And her mom gets the best seat in the house.

• College Students Found Dead Inside Balloon — Surprisingly, this didn't occur at Harvard.

• Ice Cream Truck Driver Cited for DUI — Like anyone could perform that job sober.

Sex Trade Workers Invade Germany for World Cup!

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• I thought they were talking about female hookers
• Sports video games as training tools
• Barbaro not looking too studly
• eBay: 1894 Cincinnati Reds season ticket
• Happy 31st birthday to Allen Iverson
• NCAA football programs matched to Simpsons characters
• Too bad. Wrong Owens to miss entire 2006 season
• Video: paragliding goes horribly wrong
• iPod Nano can track your running stats
• ESPN.com Travel's football "Power Weekends"
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Boston's Fake Fans Must've Hated That One

I had a softball game scheduled for 9:15 p.m. Monday, and so I said to a friend that I was probably gonna miss the final, tense innings of the Yankees-Sux game. So much for that idea, as the Yankees blasted Josh Beckett, who recorded all of four outs before leaving down 8-2. As Bobby Bonilla would say, we showed him the Bronx.

This must come as good news to Tony Massarotti of the Boston Herald, who, last week, lambasted "fake" Red Sux fans, asking them to make like Damon and leave. (My thinking is that a win won't lose bandwagoners.)

Well, I'm here to defend those fake fans, if such a thing even exists.

First, with baseball economics being the way it is, the more fans the better. Someone has to pay for these salaries, and fans are the ones who do it. I guess you can say there are enough "real" Sux fans to sell out such a small park, but the "fake" ones certainly contribute to radio, TV and merchandise income. Income that allows Boston to better compete with the Yankees, who can afford well-documented luxuries precisely because they have the most fans nationwide.

Second, all successful teams have bandwagoners. All of them. The Yankees have seen attendence rise dramatically in the Joe Torre era, this after the Knicks — yes, the Knicks — hosted the events at which to be seen a few years prior. Now the Knicks are laughingstocks, but I promise you, their next championship will be huge around here. It's the one major sports team without split allegiances in New York.

Third, I can't imagine the readership of new fans is hurting the sports section of the Boston Herald. Why bite the hand that feeds you?

Maybe it's uncool, today, to say you got all Sux-crazy in 2004, or even 2003, when there was light at the end of the tunnel. Give it time, and it won't sound so bad.

What's the harm in a Northwesterner saying he was turned on to NBA basketball when Bill Walton dominated for the Blazers in 1977? The 1986 Mutts turned on a whole generation of baseball fans with cheesy mustaches. So what?

Colleges have long since seen applications spike after winning a national title, Villanova's run in 1985 being a famous example. Bobby Bowden and Mike Krzyzewski built decades-long national powers out of pedestrian programs — didn't the new fans and their dedication have something to do with sustaining the success?

If I was a Sux fan — and thank god I'm not, because I don't own the required number of pleated khakis — I would welcome all fans. (Except for the crass boozebags and, again, kudos to the Boston Dirt Dogs for railing against them.) I'm sure the long-time fans lament that tickets are way harder to come by — the secondary market prices for Fenway tickets are unparalleled, and that's not even money that the Red Sux get to pump into payroll.

The solution: knock down that dump and build another. The new Yankee Stadium is supposed to net Steinbrenner an additional $50 million annually. As long as Fenway stands, I'm a much happier fan. Because rich ticket brokers don't pose as much of a threat as rich baseball clubs.

Photos: Yankees Weekend at Camden Yards

Back from B-More with a photo album from Saturday's thrilling win and Sunday's bumming blowout, both highlighted by heaps of millions in payroll unavailable because of a myriad of health issues.

Nothing to add about the trip that I haven't written before about Camden Yards. It's as simple as road trips can get, from the three-and-a-half hour straight shot down I-95 to the cheap hotels located within a $15 cab ride to the park, the righteous scalper-free ticket-hawking zone, a festive outdoor pregame and endless postgame party options within walking distance.

Again, Yankees fans comprised half the sold-out crowds, but it's not like entering a war zone. Overall, as well-behaved of a mixed crowd as anyone can expect, but with plenty of energy.

Some of the photos that require 'splainin':

• Mullet Mania! — Randy may have cut his, but the Kentucky Waterfall lives on, thanks to this guy.

• Our JV Squad — After Jeter got drilled and was forced to leave Sunday's game, Robinson Cano was the only one of nine Opening Day starters to be at the same position as that night in Oakland.

• O'Neill's Blast Marker — On Eutaw Street, just outside the park in right field, are mementoes of home runs gone by.

• This Dad Sucks!!! — Saw this asshat in a "Yankees Suck!!!" shirt escorting two kids to the game. Classy stuff.

• Baltimore: Get in on It — Your guess is as good as mine.

Check out Karen Bischer's and Darth Marc's blogs for their thoughts on the Camden experience.

AL All-Star Voting: Yanks, Sux & Vlad

Early voting returns are in for next month's MLB All-Star Game in Pittsburgh and, unless you're a Yankees or Sux fan, you're probably gonna wanna puke.

Seven of the eight positions voted on by the fans are led by members of those teams, with Vladimir Guerrero being the lone exception.

At first base, where David Ortiz leads the position he's played twice this season — presumably in NL parks, where there is no DH — Jason Giambi is the closest competitor. At second and third bases, where Robinson Cano and Alex Rodriguez lead, Mark Loretta and Mike Lowell are in second place.

(Did I mention Mike Mussina would have to be considered the favorite to start the game for the AL, as well?)

There's always two ways to look at who should make the All-Star Game: Do you go reward guys with the best half-season stats, or try to assemble some kind of dream team?

I used to lean toward No. 1, but that changed when I "covered" (more like "loafed around") the 1999 All-Star Game at Fenway Park for FOXSports.com. With no Greg Maddux, Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens or Juan Gonzalez, the theme that year was all the first-timers who were selected — future Hall of Famers like Ron Coomer, John Jaha, Scott Williamson, Dave Nilsson and Jeff Zimmermann.

The media got one hour with each side at some hotel on Monday and, not wanting to be buried under the armpits of 50 camerapersons surrounding the big-name players, I picked a story angle that I thought was both interesting and easy — I simply asked the numerous All-Star newbies how the good news was delivered to them, what their reactions were and what they did to celebrate. It was a fun, human-angle piece.

That being said, I'm all for assembling a squad with the biggest names and best storylines. Might as well turn this into a video game. (Who else is bummed we never got a starting NL outfield of Barry Bonds, Ken Griffey Jr. and Sammy Sosa?)

SI.com's John Donovan may say that Nick Swisher, Alex Rios and Jose Lopez deserve starting nods, but I can't imagine most would rather see that than Alex Rodriguez having to high-five Jason Varitek during pre-game introductions.

Today's Web Finds:

• Alyssa Milano Inspiring the Amazin' Mets with Amazin' Breasts — I have to link to these hi-beam shots, because she's long been a favorite of mine. But between those really hairy arms, having had sex with Carl Pavano, having never done Playboy, and now sporting a retainer on her teeth, she's slipping on my to-do list, currently headed by Stacy Keibler. (Thanks, Knowledge Man)

• Woman's Toes Licked By Man Hiding Under Car — Got anything going on today, man? Nah, just gonna go to the Wal-Mart parking lot and lick some toes. (Thanks, Laurie)

• Arenas Bummed By the Beach — Michael Wilbon's column in Thursday's Washington Post examines the Miami Beach arrest of Gilbert Arenas from the angle I mentioned on SportsByBrooks.com Wednesday. While most people focused on one quote from the AP — "You can't arrest me, I'm a basketball player..." — the real story is that 557 people were arrested over one weekend during a hip-hop festival, where four dozen guns were confiscated. (How many dozens more weren't?) Those luxury hotels and restaurants were built for people to spend in Versace, not loiter in Rocawear while packing. Someone with financial interest — and political clout — is pushing back.

• Drinking With Bob: MySpace vs. the Idiot — What's next? He'll tell you what's next. "In the battle of who is a bigger threat to society, MySpace or the idiot, my money is on the idiot!"

• Apple Trailer: Once in a Lifetime — Some movie on "the extraordinary story of the New York Cosmos" of the NASL, "the one club everyone in New York wanted to get into" in 1977. One guy says it was "like traveling with the Rolling Stones." Sounds like a piece from The Onion, but they're serious. (Thanks, Kevin)

• Prince to Receive Webby Lifetime Achievement Award — I'm sure that, out of all the awards Prince has won in his career, this one's in the top thousand. Easily.

• Clemens OKs $22M Deal to Return to Astros — Yes! This means there will be more "Is this the end for Clemens?" stories in October. Goodie, Goodie!

• Hometown Jerseys and Hoodies — Quick shout-out to a local eBay seller, from whom I bought a Don Mattingly batting practice jersey for this weekend's road trip. Excellent service.

Hell Freezes Over: ESPN.com's Page 2 Defends A-Rod

Like the Yankees themselves, the low point of Alex Rodriguez's season came on May 22, during a 9-5 loss at Fenway to open a series with the Red Sux, immediately after the injury-plagued Bombers dropped three of four at Shea. Yeah, he homered in that game, but it came in the ninth inning of a blowout, a contest put out of reach (again) by Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz. Same old, same old.

It was a home run that inspired ridicule — even I, usually a staunch defender of the man I consider the most talented Yankee since Mickey Mantle, admitted to chuckling over it — and that's the plight of A-Rod in 2006: he can homer two batters after Derek Jeter grounds out, and he's the one who gets joked about.

Since May 22, the Yankees have won seven of eight, winning two of three from MLB's worst (the Royals) and a perfect 5-0 against two of New York's strongest competitors for the postseason, the Red Sux and Tigers. I like to call them "big games."

Since May 22, A-Rod has raised his batting average 27 points, from .276 to .303. He's gotten a hit and either scored or driven in a run in all eight games. Of course, he played them all, because he always plays them all. (He missed seven games in 2004, none since.) Some players who missed at least one of those games: Damon, Jeter, Sheffield, Giambi ... you get the idea.

A-Rod eight-game log: 32 AB, 14 H, 3 HR, 10 R, 12 RBI, 5 BB.

He's had such an impactful week that even the folks over at ESPN.com's Page 2 — a place that seems to devote entire edit meetings to catering to the "Yankees suck!" audience of imbeciles — took notice. And so, I must give a shout out to D.J. Gallo for lauding A-Rod, in Page 2's tongue-in-cheek "An Embarrassing Week for A-Rod," perhaps the most Yankees-friendly piece that's ever appeared on the site.

And this was before Rodriguez went 3-for-4, with a walk, a triple, a run scored and 2 RBIs last night. A-Rod leads the league in runs, by the way, which means a lot of his notorious "RBIs when the Yankees are already winning" come when he's the one who put them in a position to get that lead. But why mention that when you can make fun of his purple lips?

Gallo is probably getting a lot of hate mail from Bill Simmons' acolytes, who write the Survivor/Sopranos/Godfather/Karate Kid/American Idol (and Sports!) Guy to get his pearls of wisdom on everything from The O.C. to urination etiquette — yep, those are his readers! Good luck to D.J. in avoiding some kind of atomic wedgie, which I imagine is the cost for defending a Yankee from Bristol.

(As for the picture selection, I couldn't pass up an opportunity to mention how no one looks like more of a bitch, when brushed off the plate, than A-Rod. Let me preface this by saying I would absolutely crap my pants if a 95-m.p.h. heater came within 10 feet of me, but I've seen this guy spin away like a car just blew up on CHiPS. It's really funny to watch. And this picture can have only one caption: "Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" — in the voice of Howard Stern in Private Parts, when he knocked over all those records at WCCC.)