PaulKatcher.com

Track the True Distance of Every MLB Home Run

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Bat Speed x Vertical Launch = Hit Tracker
• Iraqi tennis coach killed for wearing shorts
• Angels vs. Devil (Rays) on 6/6/06
• Benihana sponsors would-be Matsui at-bat
• Happy 63rd birthday to Joe Namath
• Sux site sponsors new Yank's BaseballReference.com page
• Arenas part of Miami Beach hip-hop crackdown
• Ronaldo says no to 120 million U.S. dollars
• The Onion: Springer fined negative $50,000 for hitting Bonds
• Ticket stub to Larsen's perfecto on eBay
• Man patents cordless jump-rope
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

6.76 Fucks Per Minute? Man, That's a Lot

I was checking out Wikpedia's entry on the movie Scarface the other day and read that, for a long period, the 1983 film held the record for the most uses of the word "fuck," a total of more than 200 instances in 170 minutes.

According to Wikipedia's fuck table, which — unlike the one in Anna Benson's dining room — is a list of films ordered by uses of the word fuck, Scarface has since been dusted been by such films as Goodfellas, Casino, and even some movies that didn't star Robert DeNiro.

But they've all been blown away by the most fucktastic film of all fucking time, Fuck, billed as "a documentary on the expletive's origin, why it offends some people so deeply, and what can be gained from its use."

The word fuck, and its variations (fuckwad? fucknut?) is used 629 times in only 93 minutes, a whopping 6.79 fucks per minute. You can't even get that kind of vulgarity in a Belmar, N.J, night club. Sounds like a winner.

Today's Web Finds:

• 10 Things Your iPod Won't Tell You — "My battery life is pathetic" should not be on this list. All iPods tell you this. It's Apple who doesn't.

• 2006 World Cup Television Schedule — I'm gonna try to get into this, I swear. See ya at the bar on June 12 at noon, when the U.S. kicks off against the Czechs. First team to score one goal wins, right? (Found at Flash Warner)

• Drinking Across Europe — Speaking of the World Cup, my buddy Ayan plans to document his upcoming Germanic adventure — as well as jaunts to the Netherlands, Finland, Poland, and as many as 20 other countries — on this blog. I hope the ladies are ready for Harlem's biggest (only?) hockey fan. Good luck, bro.

• Paris Hilton Doesn't Change Facial Expressions — View this animated image more than three loops, and you'll be seeing her in your sleep. Nightmares only, of course.

• First Ever New York City Exotic Erotic Ball Slated for June 17 — Sounds like a lot of fun, but how do you hide a fetish costume when hailing a cab in June? Not like you can fashion an overcoat on top it. Gotta love this answer to whether or not nudity is allowed. "We post signs everywhere that say 'No Nudity.' But do people listen? We wish they did."

• Rebecca Romijn Likes Her Sex Kinky and Public — The UK's News of the World ain't exactly the paper of record, but the SI swimsuit model is quoted as saying, "I love to be nude and I love sex. Being a dominatrix in the bedroom, sex in cars and in public places all turn me on. And I love fantasising about being naked on an island with lots of other naked people." All of that can be arranged, especially the last part.

• Rony Seikaly Is No One-Woman Man — The former Syracuse center's estranged wife/model Elsa Benitez motions for immediate custody of their kids, saying something about there being a "new girlfriend." Seikaly responds, "I have lots of girlfriends." Let this be a lesson to all you kids out there; grow up to be 6-11 if at all possible.

• Avril Lavigne Lookin' Good at Cannes — I always thought that Avril (now 21) could do better than that punk look. Here's proof. A comment under the post claims that she's engaged to "that ugly guy from Sum 41." OK, can we narrow that down a bit?

• Video: Man Impersonates Iron Sheik's Rant on Brian Blair — If you've seen the hilarious original, you know how talented this man is. "I shoulda fucked you in da ass, but I didn't out of respect."

Get $50,00 to Swap Your Yankees-Loving Wife

Wife-swapping. It's not just for swingers anymore. And it now pays $50,000 for rabid Yankees fans.

Got an e-mail from a casting agent for FOX's Trading Spouses a couple of days ago, and I promised her I'd post this note for my Bombers Backers.

Trading Spouses is looking for a family for our upcoming third season on FOX. We are seeking out a family that lives and breathes for the Yankees, who are 100% fanatical and dedicated to the team — and who preferably live in New York or New Jersey.

If you are not familiar with the show, Trading Spouses is a reality show that is a foreign exchange program for moms, allowing families the experience of a lifetime when we trade their mother with a mother from another completely different kind of family.

Families that participate in the show are compensated with $50,000.

Now, it doesn't take a genius like Norman Einstein (as Joe Theismann called him) to figure out the Yankees-loving wife will be swapped with a family of decidedly different rooting interests. (Think Massholes.)

If you're interested in participating, contact Bo Palinic by e-mailing bop@rocketsciencelabs.com or by calling 323-802-0441.

Please tell her you heard about the opportunity through this site, so I can reap a $500 finder's fee. If you screw me, and I see you surfing PK.com on the show, I'm gonna hire Randy Johnson to throw a hanging slider at your head.

Pose-gate: If They Don't Care, Why Should I?

My immediate reaction Tuesday night, after Manny Ramirez posed at home plate after crushing a Scott Proctor offering for a home run that brought the trailing Red Sux to within three runs, was that he'd finally gone too far. His long, excused history of hitting prowess and clownish behavior notwithstanding, I felt it was time for the Yankees to say that enough was enough, that Manny was no more entitled than anyone else to project an image that success was too damn easy. Showboating, in short, is exactly that sort of insult.

The Yankees did nothing. More telling, the Yankees said nothing. And that, ironically, speaks volumes about the differences between fan rivalries and supposed tensions within the fraternity of MLB, the same outfit that rarely speaks out against Barry Bonds, a cheating scumbag at worst and a P.R. fool at best.

After the game, which the Yankees won, manager Joe Torre said, "There's a lot of things that go on today that the old-time pitchers wouldn't tolerate. The game's changed a great deal." (Translation: "What do you want me to do, try to stop it?")

The media obviously tried to make this an issue, but Red Sux manager Terry Francona said, "Did [the Yankees] make a big deal out of it? Alex didn't see his, so are we mad at him?" (Translation: "My guys can do anything they want.")

Francona was referring to the home run Rodriguez hit in the same game, a bomb off Tim Wakefield that any idiot, no pun intended, could tell he lost track off, while being slow out of the box thinking he may have fouled it off.

Francona also manages Josh Beckett, who almost got into a fight in spring training with the Phillies' Ryan Howard, who posed on a flyout. Said Beckett about that incident, "I'm kind of about respecting the game. Even if it is a home run, I don't think it's the right thing to do. I'm not the type of guy to not say anything." I didn't see Beckett try to fight Manny, however.

Johnny Damon, who proved more than any other this offseason that the business side of baseball trumps all, said about Ramirez, "I guess we're a little upset." (Translation: "Not as much as anyone else. Besides, Manny's still my boy.")

The Boston Globe reported Thursday that Rodriguez served a "tense" warning with Ramirez before Wednesday's game to advise him on future actions — "Manny's one of my best friends. Don't read into that," said A-Rod — and he voiced objection to former Rangers teammate Doug Mirabelli, who questioned his Rodriguez's validity of appearing to not know where he'd launched Tuesday's home run.

Best friends? Changed game? Head in the sands? Who cares?

If they don't care, then I won't either. Otherwise, I'm a bigger clown than Manny.

Other Yankees Thoughts:

• Never in a million years could I have envisioned the Yankees taking the last two games at Fenway after being served by the Mets (I know, they lost two one-run games, but they were not exactly valiant efforts) and getting Mannied and Ortized (again) Monday night. The Bombers showed a lot of guts. The endings were tense, but they're supposed to be when going into such hostile territory. Very proud fan here.

• I wish I could be as optimistic about Randy Johnson as some Bombers Backers, but I'm wondering what exactly they're banking on. Remember, Kevin Brown posted a 2.39 ERA in 211 innings before coming to the Bronx, and he just fell to pieces. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me with eight of your last nine outings without a quality start (at least 6 inning pitched, no more than 3 earned runs) and I can't call you a $16 million ace. Or a decent No. 4. Not with a 5.89 ERA.

• Excellent job so far by Melky Cabrera, who's making the loss of Hideki Matsui easier to take. He is, without question, our best defensive outfielder (though Damon can still go get 'em). In a perfect world, Melky would play RF, Gary Sheffield would DH and Bernie Williams would sit. But what to do with LF? Sheff can't go there, so Melky has to either waste his rocket arm in left or play right, have Terrence Long patrol the vast Stadium LF and Sheffield DH. This is why Torre makes $6.5 million a year, or however much it costs to put up with George Steinbrenner's shit.

• David Ortiz is hitting .333 (10 for 33) against the Yankees and .255 (37 for 145) against everyone else. Bill Simmons might mention this the next time he cracks on A-Rod. Or not.

Dean Smith an Involuntary Political Endorser

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Former UNC coach: "Win, Rachel, Win!" (NOT)
• Video: Cubs fan slides through piss trough
• Barbaro headed for way more than 23 screws
• World Cup ref: One mistake and we're finished
• Video: Soccer's "Scorpion Save"
• Inside the world of pool hustling
• Classic audio: Allen Iverson "talkin' 'bout practice"
• Win Probability Index: Big Unit & A-Rod suck
• David Wells knows exactly what goes into his body
• Skip Bayless takes shots at LeBron James (of course)
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Gee, We're Old, Let's Salivate (Those Were the Days!)

A line in Jimi Hendrix's "Purple Haze" was so commonly misunderstood that it inspired the book 'Scuse Me While I Kiss This Guy, which I guess could double as the title to former New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey's upcoming confessional. But that's another story.

For my money, though, the most confusing song is "Those Were the Days," the theme to All in the Family. I don't think I knew the real lyrics till I had a college degree, and I dare anyone to get it right the first time, especially with Jean Stapleton squawking like a parrot trapped in a box fan.

Apparently, I'm not the only one, as the website AmIRight.com has a big list of mistaken lines associated with the song.

Some of them are clearly made up, but others make at least a little sense. Among the most confused parts is "Gee, our ol' LaSalle ran great," which I thought was "G.R.O. [something incomprehensible]" for, oh, about 15 years. But at least I didn't think it was "Gee, a roll and salad, great!"

And don't be hating on Herbert Hoover. Mister, we can use a man like him again, not "Mister we could use a man like her to prove we're all gay."

("Those Were the Days" MP3 available here.)

Today's Web Finds:

• The 10 Beers We Love to Hate — Stuff magazine says about Natural Light, "It's almost as if someone bottled the sadness of all the terminally ill children in the world." But with that combination of low carbs and low prices, I say bring on the mini wheelchairs.

• Video: Reporter Gets Owned — Funny clip of a reporter getting knocked on her ass when a lighting fixture falls on her head. I vote fake, because the sound effects are too good, but if it's real, then take a bow, woman. Ya know, after you're stitched up. (Found on Gorilla Mask)

• Photos: Britney Spears Crying in New York Restaurant — Jeez, I wish everyone would just leave the poor girl alone. It's not like she's bringing babies into restaurants while sporting a backless shirt and an exposed thong. Oh wait, she is.

• Why Do Ink Cartridges Cost So Much? — PC World on consumer revolt over ink-jet cartridges that are more expensive, by weight, than imported Russian caviar. And they taste a whole lot shittier, too.

• Video: Dane Cook on Puking — If you've ever found yourself in front of toilet breathing "19 different ways," you know lunch is about to re-introduce itself. Or those eight margaritas you had at happy hour with no more than four nacho chips.

• Man Bowls Perfect Game at Age 81 — Big deal. Wait till I turn 81; I guarantee he won't accept my challenge.

• iPod Killers for Summer 2006 — Good, I can't wait to chuck my Mini and its battery indicator that lies more O.J., this after my first-generation model died from, ya know, using it. I never wanna give Apple another dime for a product designed to crap out — unlike digital cameras and cell phones with replaceable batteries — thus enticing you to spend another $300 in two years.

• eBay: The Complete Guide To Dating Strippers — I'm guessing the foreword was written by Jason Giambi.

I'll See You in Hell, Randy Johnson

When the Yankees traded for the Great Satan a year and a half ago, I recounted how he was responsible for the two most emotionally devastating losses I've experienced as a baseball fan:

• 1995 ALDS Game 5: The first taste of postseason baseball for Yankees fans my age (1981 doesn't count for then-8-year-olds), those five games were 1,000 times more intense than any I'd ever had a rooting interest in. Our clutch shortstop, Randy Velarde, hit .176. Among the pitchers who logged innings against the Mariners: Scott Kamieniecki, Steve Howe and rookie Mariano Rivera, who posted a 5.51 ERA in 67 regular-season innings.

• 2001 World Series Game 7: A changed baseball world in a changed America. Heavy, heavy emotions involved here, as the run of impossible privilege went poof. I could not speak afterward, and I do better than most with this sports stuff. I celebrate wins way more than lament the losses, but this one hurt. Does the Hall of Fame have the ball Luis Gonzalez crushed 110 feet for the game-winner?

The Great Satan, whom many of you know as Randy Johnson, got both wins in improbable relief appearances, finishing both series with a 5-0 record and a 1.65 ERA, allowing 5 runs on 14 hits in 27 1/3 innings. He struck out 35 Yankees. Thirty-five fucking strikeouts, compared to 14 hits. He was, in short, the devil.

Now here's merely the tallest, ugliest and most overpaid No. 5 starter in the history of baseball. The Yankees are 5-5 when he takes the mound with his now-5.62 ERA, this after last year's 6.14 ERA in the ALDS loss to the Angels.

If the Bombers miss the postseason this year, at least one of 'em will be playing golf in hell. Maybe Kevin Brown will be around for a twosome.

Get Your 'Whores in the News' Action Figures Right Here!

Along with tales of revenge castration (remember when John Wayne Bobbitt's tale was unique?) and pictures of celebrity nipple slips, one of the Internet age's most popular traffic generators is news of the hot teacher who seduces kids.

I don't know about you, but we had one one "sexy" teacher in high school, the one everyone made up stories about — yeah, the football team helped her move, and she did the whole squad afterward — back when you (OK, me) could get a hard-on from a Sears catalog. (Now, it's strictly J.C. Penny.)

So I don't pay much attention to news about teachers like Pamela Rogers. Unless someone on eBay issues an action figure of her likeness titled "Whores in the News." Then I pretty much laugh my ass off.

This, of course, is no laughing matter for male members of her Tennessee community. Not only because she took criminal advantage of a 14-year-old student, but because the gents in the area are so pathetic that she had to hit on said 14-year-old student for intercourse and oral sex more than a dozen times during a three-month relationship.

Seriously, guys, you're getting beat out by kids who play Nintendo? C'mon!

Today's Web Finds:

• Rick Stengel Named Next Managing Editor of TIME Magazine — I didn't even know the position was opening, but I was thrilled to see that Rick, who was managing editor of TIME.com when I was hired as senior producer in 2000, will assume the post. He remains one of the smartest people I've ever met, and that's not hyperbole. To run a general news magazine like TIME, you have to know your shit about everything from international politics to pop culture. When I interviewed with Rick, I remember asking him how many cover stories he wrote for the magazine. He said he'd forgotten how many, and I thought that was cool as hell. By comparison, I got a byline for one magazine piece during my tenure, and I was so proud. Above all, Rick was my boss on 9/11, a day that bonded our group forever, of course. Having the responsibility to report news to America and the world on that day was serious and emotional. We had an edit meeting in our bullpen shortly after the Twin Towers fell, and I remember Rick telling us that if we knew someone who was down there, we were, of course, free to tend to our personal lives. I said, not sarcastically but matter-of-factly, "We all know someone who was down there." We just didn't know whom, but we also knew we had a job to do. Not for traffic or ad dollars, but for the public who desperately needed information. That day, more than all others combined, illuminated to me the importance of the media, and I was glad to have Rick around to lead us through it.

• Central Park to Have Free Wi-Fi Access This Summer — Excellent. Now tourists can read this site on one of those romantic carriage rides. Ya know, if your idea of "romantic" is seeing a horse crap right in front of you.

• 'Fat Naked Guy' Gets 51 Months for 'Survivor' Tax Dodge — Go ahead, pick the part of the headline Richard Hatch should be most embarrassed with. That he's headed for the clink, or that CNN remembers him as the "fat naked guy." He'd better makes news somehow else, because that epitaph ain't looking to good right now. Set the farting world record or something. Anything!

• Benihana Recipes — Those hibachi dinners look so damn easy, don't they? They put butter and soy sauce on any vegetable or meat, and it comes out better than anything I've ever made. Take your own shot at it with these recipes.

• Bill O'Reilly Teaches You How to Play Poker — A Cracked feature that includes such advice as "Check-Raising a Jew." Beware of his "consummate greed" and "long, dirty fingernails." (Don't feel left out, homosexuals, you get stereotyped, too.)

• Teacher Erica Chevillar's HOT Photos — She didn't do anything illegal, but she drew some criticism for posting racy photos online. Criticism only from women, I'm sure. Because no dad would ever object to a PTA meeting with this chick. (Found on College Humor)

• All Things Web 2.0 — Tons and tons of web tools to get you through this Internet thing, which really could take off one of these days. (I honestly typed "All Thongs Web 2.0" at first. Someone get working on that list.) (Thanks, Eddie)

• Mystery Solved. Ashley's Nose Is in Jessica's Chest — Finally, the truth about Ms. Simpson's breasts. (Thanks, Knowledge Man)

• Bill Simmons Reviews Mike & the Mad Dog — I'd planned to do this some day, but five hours of that duo and I may have killed myself. Laughed out loud at his note after Fatso and Fruit Loops interviewed the Yankees' manager: "Torre leaves to do some stretching and nose-picking exercises before tonight's game..."

• Video: Adam Sandler as the "Stud Boy" on MTV's Remote Control — Funny shit if you remember the show.

Northwestern Women's Soccer Team Hazed in Skivvies

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• What's a little humiliation among friends?
• LSU trackster pukes; can't outrun cops
• Video: Michael Kay farts on-air during Yanks game
• Sam Cassell juggles his huge nuts (I think)
• MSG network ignores possible Brown firing
• Pascual Perez's looong road to the majors
• Barry Bonds makes 25 Un-Sexiest Women list
• Video: Bobby Murcer's hilarious Giambi HR call
• Spend a day with the Knicks City Dancers
• SEC: Don't call it "The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party"
• Video: Male skater's "Sex Bomb" routine leads announcer to say, "All right, I'm outta here!"
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

The Absurdity of Tipping Cabbies, and Other Ponderables

Tipping is a pain in my ass.

It's not that I don't want to pay what's fair, I just don't want the onus to be on me to determine that fair fare. Responsibility and me ... we're not exactly BFF.

Tipping bartenders is the biggest pain in the bizalls, because there are so many variables. I might tip based on drinks purchased, time spent at the bar, buybacks, final tab, or amount of cleavage shoved in my face.

Tallying a tip for a cabbie is the easiest. It's straight-up math — you do the ol' $1 plus change up to $10 or so, start doling out a couple bucks after that. Since it's so simple to figure — because 99% of cab rides are the same — this practice goes against the philosophy of tipping in the first place, which is to reward exceptional service.

You remember the last time you emerged from a cab and praised, "Wow, that was awesome," don't ya? It was right around never.

Wrong turns and remnants of a chicken curry lunch — in solid or gaseous form — aside, I never really have a bad cab experience. And apart from looking the other way when you're hooking up in the back, there's little a cabbie can do to stand out from the thousands of others.

So, I say to my NPR-listening, always-on-the-damn-cell-phone drivers, just tell me how much to pay already!

Other Ponderables:

• I dig my Omaha Steaks deliveries, but I'm not sure their latest e-mail campaign, the one that screams "MID-YEAR CLEARANCE SALE!" sounds all that appetizing.

• Here's a tip for webmasters who want to re-post my writings: don't. Especially if you're not gonna credit me, and I'm gonna be tipped off to it, like some dude at TheDailyColumn.com who used my "What Your Yankees Jersey Says About You" piece and re-wrote the intro to make it seem like it was his. See, there's a reason why it's called "original content."

• I saw where Paris Hilton dropped from No. 3 to No. 11 on FHM's Sexiest Women list. Let that be a lesson to all you rich skanks out there. If you stop giving bad head under a NightVision scope, we'll lose respect for you.

• You know what the difference is between describing yourself as one who "values sincerity" and one who is "brutally honest?" It's the difference between coming off as a righteous person and a total bitch.

• Can we get Bill Clinton and Bush No. 41 to band together for another important initiative, like convincing the Astros, Yankees and Red Sux to collectively tell Roger Clemens to bite it?

• Here's an open letter to people who write open letters: You're a hack. Maybe not as bad as the ones who begin columns by giving the Webster's definition of words like "desire" and "commitment," but a hack nonetheless. Especially if you're posting public letters to Barry Bonds on some blog with a counter that reads 0000192.

• What kinds of snacks were rejected before pork rinds make it into our delis?

• YES replayed Dave Righetti's July 4, 1983, no hitter against the Red Sux — the one that culminated with the most feeble swing in Wade Boggs' career — and I was taken aback by all the shirtless, hairy guys in the primo seats. Watch for it next time, it's quite disturbing. Also an indicator of how corporate the lower level has gotten in the past decade or so.

• Only one alum from MTV's Remote Control was bound for late-night B-movie nudity, and I'm so glad it was Kari Wuhrer and not Ken Ober, Colin Quinn or Adam Sandler (the "Stud Boy"). Here's a scarily comprehensive Kari Whurer fan site. Obsess much?

• I don't know what's harder to avoid: peering into neighbors' apartments when they leave their door cracked open or looking at the title of the book some subway-riding stranger is reading. It's just impossible to not be nosy under these circumstances. (Especially if you smell dead bodies coming out of apartment 5J, or at least gatch a glimpse of some cool lighting set-up.)

• No one with more cheer has ever made me feel more murderous than Rachel Ray. She's just so fucking peppy!

• Can you really say to a midget, "Nah, no one's looking" with a straight face?

• There's a law now against eating while riding the subway. What's next, a law against licking your own feet on the bus?

Damn, I'll be in Baltimore for Prague's 'Porn Academy'

Man, it's too bad I planned to follow the Yanks to Camden Yards the first weekend of June, because "The Porn Academy" in Prague sounds pretty good after watching Thursday night's debacle.

Hat tip to to my friends at Thrillist.com for pointing out the June 3 & 4 "hands on" (no kidding) wicked weekend that allows you to "shoot all the XXX action you want on your own camera, yours to keep forever."

The website boasts that some of Europe's sexiest porn stars will in attendance, and delivers a link where you can "click here to see who's coming." (Again, no kidding.)

Poppy Morgan. Simonne Peach. Nikki Sun. I have no idea who they are, but they sound like they take it up the ass to me!

But, of course, you're probably only going for the free lunch and refreshments served each day.

Today's Web Finds:

• Video: Bathroom Fight Club — Watch these two fatties "whale" away at each other. Looks to me like someone got shrifted a leg on the 5-piece fried chicken box.

• End Of The Line For Big Unit? — A study on just how good Randy Johnson was right before joining the Yankees, merely the best pitcher in baseball for a decade. Now a six-inning, five-run performance is routine. Excuse me while I go throw up.

• Hot Chicks With Douchebags — A blog that brings out the best (hot broads) and the worst (tools) of the Internet. Whether you're into D-cup breasts or fanny packs, this one's for you! (Thanks, Aaron)

• Etiquette Tips for Game Show Contestants — I love the Family Feud ones. What's up with the dipshits who say an answer that's already on the board? Yeah, we know, a towel is something you'd bring to the beach. It was the first fucking answer! (Found on Gorilla Mask)

• Essential Web Tools in One Place — When I get motivated enough to modify this site's look/function for the first time in more than three years, I'll definitely hit this collection of resources, tools and inspirations.

• Webby Award Winners Announced — Well, it looks like T-systems Hightech Sailing didn't beat out ESPN for the best sports site, after all. Must've been due to Dick Vitale's 2006 MLB predictions. Man, is that in-depth or what?

• Roommate Deemed Too Incompetent To Clean Bathroom — The Onion touches on a long-time strategy of mine. If something needs to get done, and you don't want to do it, and someone else is around to do it, just suck at it.

• The Devil Children Are Coming! — Expectant mothers planning to give birth on 6/6/06 are intending to name their babies Damien. Sounds sane to me!

• C-SPAN Asks Web Sites to Pull Colbert Clip — Yeah, 'cause they don't wanna lose all those millions of dollars rolling in to the C-Span website. Or something like that. It can still be found through Google video.

Hey, Curt, Do You Read Lips? Fuck You!

There are a lot of New York happenings that are much more appreciated up close and in person than they are on TV. The Macy's Fourth of July fireworks, for one. A rock concert at Madison Square Garden, for certain. But none are sweeter than seeing Curt Schilling blow a 3-0 lead by allowing six runs in five innings.

It ain't often that I get to infer one of my favorite lines from Back to School AND celebrate a Schilling pounding, so when the above headline idea came to me on the ride up to Yankee Stadium on Wednesday, I said to the filthy subway ceiling, "Please, god, make it happen. And, again, nice job on the tsunami."

As Schilling's favorite president would say: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

• Your AL MVP so far this season: me! The Yankees are 5-0 when I'm in the stands, only 5-4 at home when I'm not. You best be offering me your extra Yanks-Mutts tix.

• Start spreading the News (and the Post). New York media's "horrific hacks" (as Schilling calls them) are gonna enjoy wrapping up this one. Maybe they'll hire NASA to fact-check how far A-Rod's go-ahead home run traveled. Maybe they'll point out that Schilling couldn't be more of a douche if he stuck his head up Jason Varitek's ass and had a sneezing fit.

• John Sterling is insane. (But you probably already knew that.) Yankee radio broadcasts are unbearable, except for Sterling's home run calls. They're so unbelievably corny — "The Giambino!" "It's an A-Bomb for A-Rod!" "Oh, Georgie Juiced One!" — that they get replayed every day on WFAN, where Mike and the Mad Dog just laugh till they cry. And so do I. Hit Yankees.com and navigate to the video highlights after each game. I hope Sterling isn't trying to carve some kind of legacy — other than that of a buffoon — with this stuff.

• E: J Giambi (3, line drive). That's the offical score. Jason Scissorhands committed an error on a line drive. Which means it was a playable ball hit flat. Which means it was nothing short of horrific.

IGN Takes First Look at Madden NFL 07

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Madden screen shots and new features
• Anniversary of Bobby Orr's most famous goal
• Pinch-runner for midget in baseball stunt dies
• Happy 51st birthday to Chris Berman
• Bonds figure has correct head-size ratio
• Shawn Marion's "demon bird moth balls" tattoo
• Video: Hurdler hits every damn one
• Bonnie Blair has pants-peeing problem
• Keith Hernandez wears rally-cap in booth
• Get mom Bushwood Country Club merchandise
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

I'm Back, and So Is My Wallet (Minus Cash)

Had a really great time in Florida, but I did too much pool-partying to concentrate on photos. I did snag this one at sunrise, however. Colors are nice, but that's about it.

Brief Notes on the Trip:

• To explain the headline quickly ... the wallet I left in a cab (most likely) a month ago was finally returned to me in the mail. Minus roughly $300 in cash, a $40 MetroCard and a Chase banking card that I don't believe was ever compromised. This would've been a whole lot easier if it was found by someone with a conscience — who could have called my cell phone — instead of some thief who evidently took the valuables and tossed it in a mailbox. The package was from a USPS in lower Manhattan with a "FOUND LOOSE IN THE MAIL" stamp.

• R.I.P. South Beach. Hadn't been down to Ocean Drive in almost five years, and I can't believe how much the area has changed. It's still a place to people-watch, but instead of models parading in European fashion, you have countless loiterers in sports jerseys, caps and XXXXL-sized T-shirts. If I invested in a business down there, I'd be panicked. Across the street from Wet Willie's, a favorite place among hip-hoppers now, we counted 11 cops monitoring the area. Collins Avenue is still sprouting luxury hotels, but I was too tired to hop around, as I'd hoped.

• The Yankees continue to roll when I can't see a single inning for a stretch of days. This time they went 4-0, following up on an 11-1 record when I was out of the country in 2004. The Bombers are 17-7 since they sputtered out of the gate with a 1-4 mark. I think some division rival is coming to town tonight.

Warming Up in the Reds' Bullpen... This Guy!

Thursday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• WWE champ Rey Mysterio, Jr. tosses first pitch
• TIME: Steve Nash one of world's Heroes & Pioneers
• T-Bone #7 Vandelay Industries baseball jersey
• Yanks fans support #31 Small and #40 Wang
• eBay: Rock that looks like Babe Ruth
• Carl Weathers helps train American troops
• Ricky Williams considers playing in CFL
• Chris "Mag Dog" Russo's unoriginal book idea
• Greg Ostertag's well-worn robe up for auction
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Video: Your Average, Everyday Porn Set Food Fight

Some time ago, I linked to a story about porn stars Dillan Lauren and Ava Vincent getting into a fight on a porn set that involved at least one flying burrito.

Well, it seems I've found the accompanying video. Good times.

Keep in mind that both links are not safe for work. Also keep in mind that I care slightly less than not at all whether or not you lose your job. I mean, the world needs ditch diggers and all, but not that much.

I hope Dillan and Ava have patched up their differences and have gone back to smoking poles with a more positive demeanor. Do you know how difficult it was to find images of these women unobstructed by male genitalia?

Today's Web Finds:

• Louisiana Juvenile Charged With Acts of Bestiality With a Horse — I'll say it again: Remember when stories like this were actually considered odd news? Well, the good thing about this one is that the report says the teen was always going to the same animal. Hey, at least he was monogamous. (Thanks, Melissa)

• Woman, 104, Takes Man, 33, as Husband No. 21 — Try to pick the most disturbing angle of this story. Go ahead, I dare ya.

• Busty Young Girls of Webshots, MySpace, & YouTube — This blog does the searching so you don't have to. But you probably will anyway.

• Mark Cuban's Post on Click Fraud — Being an Internet junkie, I love concise, well-reason analyses of online trends, in this case the dicks that cheat "pay per click" ads. Can you see George Steinbrenner doing this? If Darth Vader had a blog, he'd post banal thoughts that would make Dick Vitale blush. (Yeah, Dick, we know J.J. Redick is a "super star." Thanks for the insight.)

• Dirt Dogs Plea for Damon Ovation — I know I'm late on this, but wanted to give a shout-out to the Dirt Dogs, a Red Sux site I genuinely enjoy, a place that crafts the best headlines of any sports site and one that eschews pure venom for legit wit. They get it, and some don't. They also followed up by lambasting crass fans at Fenway Monday night. I really didn't care either way; that's their fans' business, and I just wanted our center fielder to be focused on our team. And I'm not sure we got that.

• Video: Iron Sheik Calls B. Brian Blair Out — I don't know how much of this is a shoot (real) and how much of this is a work (fake). I'm guessing by the 1,000th time the Sheik calls B. Brian Blair a "faggot son of a bitch," one "worse than Michael Jackson," and threatens to "fuck his ass" but doesn't because he "respects his sport" ... um, pretty real. Well, maybe not. But at least it's hilarious. (Found on The Airing of Grievances)

• Wholesale Body Bags, Only $10 Each — I never knew how much these things cost. (I hope you didn't either.) I'm sure the Cobra Kai could've scraped up the loot for Daniel LaRusso's.

• Video: Teacher Pamela Rogers' Sexy Vid Sent to 13-Year-Old — The news reporter says, "We can't show you some of the most revealing parts of the video." Yeah, those will never make it to the Internet.

• My Review of My Breakfast With Blassie — I'm pulling this one out of the archives, because, when walking out of Central Park with one of my softball teammates Tuesday, we were recounting some of the lines from the movie, and she couldn't stop laughing. And I got home and re-read this and almost pissed myself. If you haven't seen the flick, maybe the write-up won't do much for ya. If you have, keep walking till your hat floats!

• Softball and Me: A Love Story — Something I wrote last year about the characters you meet at softball games. Now that the season is underway, you'll get a kick out of it if you haven't yet read it. I stand by it all: Mr. Two Batting Gloves, the dick who takes 15 swings in pre-game practice, the lefties with all the advantages, every last word.

Buy Bobby's Original Cobra Kai Gi on eBay

Tuesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Wear Karate Kid "body bag" guy's wardrobe
• Buy seat Hideki Matsui parked his ass on
• Sarah Hughes OK'ed to get piss drunk
• Iran lifts ban on women at sporting events
• Jose Mesa threatened to kill author Omar Vizquel
• Top 10 2007 NFL draft prospects
• Video: Jenn Sterger on her $11,000 fake yams
• Video: Wrestler's nuts get owned by tuckbuckle
• When Gehrig's record was broken, so was my hearing
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.