PaulKatcher.com

Like David Hasselhoff, I'm HUGE in Germany

Being that this site has great Google standing, I hear from nuts all over the world. So not a lot of feedback phases me, unless I hear from a bunch of German folks at the same time traffic to my Fotki.com photos jumps 10-15 times normal.

Something was up. Especially when you get e-mails like this:

This article I read in our newspaper, "Weser-Kurier," in Bremen, Germany. There told a lady about your website, very interesting about New York.

This is I looked in your website too.

Have a nice day,
Hannelore

From that e-mail, I could tell two things: 1) "Hannelore" is at least mildly retarded; and 2) An article in the German newspaper Weser-Kurier mentioned this site. So I went searching, and I found this piece, which has been put through a German-to-English translator.

THE NEIGHBORS SEE ALL

NEW YORK — If it becomes night in New York, the telescopes sharply are placed. To not to observe to be sure, around the stars sky — one does not see the stars over the versmogten metropolis anyway -, but rather around the neighbors to bespitzeln. Many inhabitants of the skyscraper forest have 200 or more dwellings all at once in the view and pursue be sold the private life Dutzender persons to learn ever personally know without this each week in New York about 100 telescope, is named it in the media. In addition binoculars, operas glasses come and Teleobjektive. In many New York hotels, binoculars belong next to the minus bar already to the firm equipment. The Paparazzi of next door benefits that many high-rise-dwellings have no blinds or curtains. If one lives so highly above, one gives away himself easily the feeling to be withdrawn the views of the other. Yet who with its telescope the craters of the moon study can, is able to do are comes to plumb therewith always earthly abysses on the other side of the Central park. 60 of percent that New York soloDazu yet that many stop itself New York only all to willingly the strange views. There is even already hotel-bathroom that are glazes to the ground in order to grant both according to insight outside and of outside. "See and seen become" gets such an entirely new meaning. Perhaps it somewhat therewith has to do that New York has the highest Single-density of the USA. 60 percent of that grown-up New York solos are and that of them permanent in search of the next data. Until there, one must busy would speak himself evenings somehow." I to be sure not just about a hobby, but I let no opportunity to the Spähen out of", tell a "feminine Voyeuristin" on the websites PaulKatcher.com. Craziest let it be natural to watch other in the sex. Bar barons healthy life edge, that has lived for a half year in New York, knows such Reality-Soaps of the other side of the street already out of Holland: "There high-rises are to be sure rather rare, but for that there is no curtain. My neighbor, one gay dentist, observed I for two years. I know found has even, that it at new year's eve its new dear, for in the evening I saw the new friend for the first time." Again and again the 33-year-old with the thought played, the man, whom it knew out of the distance so well, to address on the street. "However there I suddenly thought: Perhaps that observes me also!'"

I think I speak for all my loyal readers when I ask, "Hey, Krauts, WHAT THE FUCK?!?!"

Amazon.com Customers Who Bought Gerardo Also Bought...

One of the most user-friendly tools to come out of the online retail industry is Amazon.com's "Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought..." section. A welcomed form of targeted marketing, it's relevant, unobtrusive, even valuable. And, in some cases, totally hilarious.

Take, for example, Gerardo's classic Spanglish album, Mo' Ritmo, which contained such hits as Rico Suave and ... well, it could take days to name all of Gerardo's hits.

Anyway, Amazon.com tells us that "customers who bought this album also bought" Samantha Fox's Greatest Hits.

So, let me get this straight. People who bought one piece-of-shit album also bought another piece-of-shit album? Gotcha!

What makes this most frightening is that the section doesn't read "people who viewed this page also viewed..." It says "bought." As in someone in the Internet age paid actual money for albums by both Gerardo and Samantha Fox.

I say we hunt these people down. No one can feel completely safe with them walking our streets.

And, while we're at it...

If You Like Gerardo, You Might Also Like:
• Feet-flavored salad dressing
• Seeing your parents bone in the shower
• Making angels in yellow snow
• Middle seats on airplanes
• Backsplashes when taking a dump
• Coaching Terrell Owens
• Getting dumped on Valentine's Day
• Reading Skip Bayless
• Caddyshack II
• The Boston Red Sux

Things You May Have Forgotten About Rico Suave:
• His only addiction has to do with the female species
• He eats 'em raw like sushi
• Women that won't let go are the price he pays for being a gigolo
• Since no women could handle a man like him, he juggled two or three
• Two hours late, he never said he was a prompt date
• If he tried that food, he'd be puking

Today's Web Finds:

• Hooters Air Goes Bust — C'mon, with so many airlines struggling to stay alive, did you really think this one was gonna survive? (Thanks, Shumpy)

• MySpace FakeBuster — An index of fake profiles on MySpace, a lot of them pretending to be some of the SportsByBrooks girls. I swear the Internet gets cooler and scarier by the minute.

• eBay: Price Is Right Bob Barker Marionette Puppet — Dude's a fucking legend, man. They never made these for Gene Rayburn, ya know. Also check out a video of Dane Cook's bit on PIR.

• Video: Wetback Mountain — I just love the title from Carlos Mencia. But I'm not gonna get any of the jokes, since I didn't see the real movie. BTW, did anyone? (Found on College Humor)

• Auction Honeys — An index (with photos, of course) of eBay listings that employ T&A shots to sell merchandise.

Jerome Ave. McDonald's Outshines Per Se in Health Inspection

There are many reasons why patrons of the whatever-the-fuck-is-maximum-rated Manhattan restaurant Per Se do not often mix with those who frequent the Jerome Avenue McDonalds (JAM^TM hereafter) in the Bronx. To wit:

• Per Se coaxes the super-rich out of their penthouse apartments. The JAM^TM caters to Penthouse subscribers, in a neighborhood where the fifth mugging is free.

• Per Se has been ranked as the world's seventh-best restaurant (and tops in the U.S.), and was one of four NYC restaurants to receive the coveted three-star Michelin rating. In the parking lot of the JAM^TM, you might get a good deal on used Michelin tires.

• While Per Se's food menu begins and ends at $210, that amount of coin nets 140 cheeseburgers at the JAM^TM, enough to feed up to three Bronx families for an entire half-day.

But the real reason why these parties don't mix: Jerome Avenue McDonald's customers would never be caught in a dump like Per Se!

Yesterday, the Manhattan User's Guide rounded up NYC health department reports on notable NYC eateries, prompting me to do a little research of my own.

Well, when sorting through some scores, I saw that the Jerome Avenue McDonald's received a Golden Apple with it's score of 4. Per Se, meanwhile, got a 22.

This ain't baseball, people. We score this one like golf and pubic hair: the fewer the better.

Take a bow, JAM^TM. You showed those French dirtbags that we will let nothing stand in the way of making this the fattest country on the planet.

Today's New York Links:

• Tucker Max Profiled in the New York Post — The self-proclaimed asshole — and author of the 67th best-selling book on Amazon.com — takes some hits from a Post gal who met him out for a date. He retorts with, "Elizabeth is a divorced, recovering alcoholic and drug addict, alone and desperate and as unself-aware as a person can possibly be (this is not my characterization, she admits to all of this). I may attract some broken women (and I do), but even I have standards, and this one was fucked up beyond all repair."

• Johnny & Billy's Live Rock Karaoke — Every Monday night at Snitch (21 Street bet. 5th & 6th Aves.), there's an alternative to the cult-like live-band karaoke at Arlene's Grocery, also held on Monday night. The set list looks great — almost all hard rock — so I'll have to check this out.

• New York County Only 13th in Ranking of U.S. Millionaires — Only 62,773 are worth at least $1 million? This is bullshit! Did they include Johnny Damon yet? Some of you people have got to start making shitty Larry the Cable Guy movies, or we're never gonna catch L.A.

• NYC Ranks Fourth Among World's Top 15 Skylines — My fucking ass we're fourth. First, look at the ugly-ass picture they chose for us, while other cities get night shots, even some that are airbrushed. How 'bout something from the air, or looking across the Brooklyn Bridge, instead looking at the Midtown West docks. Think that might help a litte? (Found on Smit Happens)

Happy Anniversary to Jordan's Double-Nickel

Tuesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Saw MJ's 55; still have the stub
• Lucky Mason backer got team confused with GW
• Slate editor ranks fourth in ESPN pool
• Videos: Top 10 goals in World Cup history
• WSJ lauds MLB.com for being video force
• NHL's pink sticks now up for auction
• List of Big 12 jokes
• How technology and baseball have evolved
• Wikipedia: Reggie Cleveland All-Stars roster
• 30 college quarterback races to monitor
• Review: Kamala's website (with music!)
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Ponderables

• Maybe I'll see that new new film Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector. Maybe after I'm done watching every movie that's ever been created in the history of film-making. Maybe.

• If you're walking your dog, and he stops to take a whizz on the sidewalk, can you get ticketed for public urination if you piss right next to him?

• Steal my marketing idea: a T-shirt for obese men, in sizes XXXL and larger, that reads STOP STARING AT MY TITS.

• There's gay, there's flaming, and then there's that male figure skater who performed to James Blunt's "You're Beautiful" in the Olympics.

• That Vegas tourism commercial in which those two ladies lie about who they are, giving people fictional TV characters' names instead, really sums up that place, huh? A place in which a simply question like, "What's your name?" isn't guaranteed a truthful response. And, hey, let's use THAT to advertise the city! I'd be embarrassed if that was a New York tourism spot. But nothing crazy ever goes on here.

• I wonder how many Playboy subscribers got that issue with Jessica Alba on the cover in the mail, started hyperventilating with surprise and anticipation, and had their pants around their ankles before they realized she didn't pose naked for it. Then cursed Hugh Hefner's name to the heavens for being a worse tease than a chick who goes out to clubs with $5 in her purse.

• The next person I hear scream "Freebird!" to a local band dies.

• And while we're at it, you can stop flipping the bird in party photos, using phrases like "'nuff said" when there's plenty more to be said, and saying "not that there's anything wrong with that" every fucking time a gay reference is made.

• Saw on Wikipedia that the Yankees have clinched only nine World Series at Yankee Stadium. Not that it isn't a huge number compared to other teams, but nine at home and 17 on the road is a bit of a statistical oddity, no?

• If you could pick one wingman to help you find a horny broad, er, "soul mate," would it really be Dr. Neil Clark Warren from the eHarmony commercials?

With Week to Go, PK.com Bracket Pool on Life Support

So, how's your NCAA bracket looking?

If you're one of the 109 participants in the PaulKatcher.com March Madness Pool, probably as ugly as Josh Boone.

With the pool's three most important games to go, 102 of us (101 + my disaster of an entry) are dead — out of the running to finish in the top three and be rewarded with whatever cheap-ass prizes I bestow.

There are eight different combinations of championship game results, but only three scenarios can affect the winner of the PK.com pool. Here's how the final standings will shape up.

IF LSU BEATS UCLA...
• Amy E. (100) — Fellow blogger and 'Cuse alum showed more love for the SEC than the Big East, correctly picking LSU and Florida in the Final Four and being the only member of the pool to have the Tigers reach the final game.
• Jim Moorman (84) — My ZogSports football teammate has UCLA and his alma mater, Florida, in the Final Four. But can't pick up any more points on that Duke-over-UConn championship-game prediction.
• Bob Oefinger (81) — Bob had UCLA and Florida headed to Minneapolis but, like Jim, is stuck with Duke over UConn.

IF UCLA BEATS LSU AND LOSES IN THE TITLE GAME...
• Matt Geiger (96) — The Matt Geiger? Enquiring minds want to know. Whether or not the man stands 7-1 and has ever guarded a sweaty Patrick Ewing, he was on fire Saturday, with LSU and UCLA clinching Final Four berths, and UConn and Villanova stull alive. Alas, the Big East crumbled Sunday.
• Amy E. (84) — If the Tigers lose, her current score of 84 will have to stand.
• Tim Woodward (84) — Can you believe a guy who picked North Carolina to win it all is alive for a third-place finish? He had the Tar Heels beating the Bruins.

IF UCLA WINS THE WHOLE FUCKING THING...
• Dustin Morehead (112) — One of two people to have the Bruins go all the way, Dustin hopes to ride UCLA through next Monday. If that plays out — and since he's probably never heard this joke — we'll all take to the streets and chant "More head!"
• John Grady (103) — Currently in 66th place!!!, John had no less than three of his Elite Eight (Iowa, Michigan State, Kansas) get blown up in the first round. But look what happens when you're one of only two people to predict a champ.
• Matt Geiger (96) — Matt will go from UCLA's biggest supporter to its biggest hater in a matter of two days. Unless he went there, in which case I'm sure this pool won't mean jack shit to him.

AND IN LAST PLACE...
Yep, that's locked up as well. No matter how much you sucked, you can't finish worse than Doug Remmey, who will score 23 out of a possible 192 points. Three of his Final Four (Syracuse over Michigan State in the final, plus Oklahoma) were upset in the first round by double-digit seeds.

Seriously, man, that could be the worst bracket I've even seen. But I'm laughing with you.

William Perry: A Real American Hero

Friday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Video: Commercial for the Fridge's G.I. Joe action figure
• Sponsor one of MLB's all-time worst teams
• Neo-Nazis threaten to massacre Muslims at World Cup
• Happy 30th birthday to Peyton Manning
• Driving range lets you keep score against friends
• Awesome betting game while watching NCAA tourney
• The Sporting News' FREE 208-page MLB fantasy draft kit
• Steve Nash could use some 'roids at Giants camp
• Jim Boeheim's wife is way hot
• Penn State's "Miss Bracket" hopeful frightens me
• Missed penalty kick costs soccer bettor $1.7 million
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Tax Day Prep: Get Drunk, Then Get Screwed

Every now and then I receive an e-mail that's worthwhile. Not often, but it happens.

Whether it's Yankees.com asking if I want to "celebrate" Japan's WBC championship by purchasing apparel (you mean for all those Japanese relatives I have?) or those constant encouragements to buy penis-enlargement pills (the midgets I sleep with never seem to complain), my mailbox is usually cluttered with crap.

But the best e-mail of the week came from my downtown friends at Thrillist, who pimped a righteous tax service that combines one of my favorite activities, boozing, with one of my least favorite, doling out coin to Uncle Sam.

That's right. There's an alternative to mailing all your papers to mom, hoping that some unknown family accountant won't get you thrown in jail. It's called Tavern Tax, a New York-based service that sends a CPA to your favorite bar to go through your papers while you chug beers and chase skirts. And they'll refrain from laughing at your pathetic salary free of charge. Not that Peepworld mop boy isn't an admirable vocation.

Also From Thrillist:

• Printable NYC Late-Night Eating Options — Keep handy this card of 48 eateries open till at least 3 a.m. and trade the dry heaves for all-out blown chunks in the back of your cab ride home. Fits nicely behind that condom you've been carrying around for three years.

Today's Web Finds:

• 11 Questions With ... Paul Katcher — Here's an interview I did with a Canadian site. Not sure the guy knows me too well, because he introduces me as a someone who's an "animal of social deviance" and "female conquests." Conquests? I honestly don't think like that. And the last thing I'm gonna do is share my sex life and scare away women who'd, understandably, fear being exposed here. Who's to gain there? My mostly anonymous readership, maybe, but not me. Go buy a copy of Penthouse Letters or something.

• Old Skool Vid: Jason Alexander Whores out McDLT — I hope Jason Alexander isn't worried about being typecast as George Costanza, because even being presumed a real-life neurotic loser is better than whatever impression he gave off as a flamboyant fast-food freak in this commercial for the McDLT, forever to be known as the McRib's sissy bitch.

• Feedwhip — A free service that promises to alert you, via e-mail, when your favorite sites have been updated. Sign up for PK.com updates now, so you'll be the first to know when I post those honeymoon pictures of me and Stacy Keibler.

• Collaboradate: Search Profiles in All Major Online Dating Services — Sounds pretty efficient if you're part of that culture. I don't have a profile anywhere, but I'm first in line for YanksFansWhoGiveGreatHead.com.

• Claudia Schiffer Topless Paparazzi Pictures — OK, I know she ain't looking her best here. Beyond that, though, how 'bout this dude chillin' on his cell phone and seemingly not even interested that a topless Claudia Schiffer is trailing him? That's hardcore.

• Scarface Poster Made From Words in 300-Page Script — This one's been around for a bit, but I don't think I've ever linked to it. Who knew 1,000 instances of the word "fuck" could render such a piece of art? (Thanks, Peter)

• The Essence of eVite — My friend Joe Concha takes some whacks at people who eschew a simple yes/no for the dreaded (and voyeuristic) maybe, as well as a chance to post their life's plans for the week, as if anyone cared.

• Texas Arresting People in Bars for Being Drunk — San Antonio is nabbing people inside bars for public intoxication as a way to prevent drunk driving and "the problem of people hurting each other while drunk." Guess which city I don't plan to visit anytime soon?

Meet a Real Black Person in Aspen!

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Improv Everywhere strikes ski town
• No, I don't want Japan WBC champ merch
• Dumb headline from Rocky Mountain News
• Carl Eller drunk drives 97 in a 55
• Bob Costas turns 54, looks 34
• National Mah Jongg League wants you!
• Exceptional realism in Fight Night: Round 3
• Two runners die during L.A. marathon
• Happy anniversary to drunk fans everywhere!
• Game-used Derrick Coleman jersey is pee-free
• Outrageously scary Stephon Marbury collector
• Plaschke: Tags' NFL was none of L.A.'s business
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

The Most Disgusting Commercial Ever

You ever see something on TV so repulsive you know you'll have nightmares about it forever? Like those dramatic close-ups of Randy Johnson pitching against the Yankees in the 1995 playoffs. Or that Chyna and X-Pac sex tape.

Well, they have nothing on Digger the dermatophyte, star of a Lamisil commercial that illustrates, in barf-bag-alert animation, the spread of foot fungus.

I saw this spot for the first time on my recent Colorado ski trip and didn't mind so much that I couldn't sleep well. No sleep, no nightmares, no cartoonish dermaphrodyes, defined as "various fungi that can cause parasitic skin infections." Something I did not know, nor ever cared to.

Slate reviewed the commercial two years ago, so I guess it's been around awhile. If you're in the mood to see this spiky gremlin peel back an infected toenail and rip apart the exposed surface with countless friends, the article has some video links that still work.

Not everyone hates Digger. In fact, he's cited with being a hero of this MySpace dude. And some reviewers on RateItAll give him five stars, but not the person who describes him as resembling "a napkin full of warm, newly blown boogers." Which sounds like dinner at the home of Sgt. Vinnie Schtulman, of Police Academy 2 fame.

Today's Web Finds:

• BinkyBoodle's Photos on Flickr — If you're into hot college chicks kissing, grabbing each other's boobs and showing leg at formals, you might enjoy these shots. Oh, did I mention grabbing each other's boobs?

• The Tits, Ass, and Cuteness Test — This quiz determines, via your favored images, whether you're a breast man, ass man, whatever. I scored "Skinny and Sexy: 44% Big Breasts, 36% Big Ass, and 48% Cute!" WTF? Do I like 'em 52% ugly or something?

• Washington Post: Parkinson's Drug Link to Gambling Probed — And here I thought the people shaking next to me in Atlantic City were crack whores. How fucked up is this news?

• Light Pen Promises to Clear Up Acne Fastest — Jesus, do today's kids get all the breaks or what? Not only are they downloading term papers, having sex with their teachers and MySpacing hotties all over the country (by saying they're 22 and in some Bay Area band, when they're really 15 and sleep with their stuffed Herbie Husker), they won't even suffer the indignity of wiping those smelly Oxi pads on their faces.

• Gawker Stalker's Google Map — Readers' recent celeb sightings now pinpointed on a map of Manhattan. Moby is still very little and bald? No way!

• You Tube: Remix of Syracuse's 2006 Big East Tourney Run — Would be much better with actual video and not a series of images, but us Orange alums will take what we can get. Good song selection. Back-to-back BE champs, bitches.

• Forbes: The 20 Most Important Tools Ever — Featuring the knife, scale, eyeglassess and more. Oddly, no props for John Rocker or Ryan Leaf.

• How Stella Strapped Her Dick On — The latest in porn-title parodies. (Found on College Humor)

• Man Severs Own Penis, Throws it at Officers — Remember when severed-penis stories were considered unusual? Now there's no many, it's hard to be impressed anymore. Throw your penis at an officer? Yawn. Get back to me when you eat it.

How Dukie V. Copes With CBS' March Madness

Monday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Vitale's day watching his sport's biggest event
• Domains containing the term "barrybonds"
• See all 64 tourney teams on a Google map
• WWE's JBL pulls an Eddie Sutton practicing for beer-drinking contest
• Atlantic City names plaza after banned boxing promoter
• Phil Rizzuto's BaseballReference.com profile sponsored by hater
• Replicate the WBC in "Major League Baseball 2K6"
• Cloumn: "Why, Male Cheerleader?! Why?!"
• Happy 43rd birthday to Kathy Ireland
• NBA.com's dance team bracket
• No one buys out Alexi Yashin's contract on eBay
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Photos: Breckenridge Ski Trip

Back in New York, but too tired and buried in e-mail to post more than my ski trip photo album.

Might do a trip report later. Or maybe I'll have some photos/thoughts from St. Patrick's Day. Or something on March Madness. Or the WBC. Or Syracuse's easiest-to-take first-round NCAA knockout ever. Been a long week without Internet access.

Everyone in the PK.com 2006 March Madness Pool!

I'm heading to Breckenridge ski resort in Colorado from March 11-16, so there will be no PK.com updates till at least March 17 or 18. That's right, if in the next week a three-way celebrity sex tape involving Curt Schilling, Ann Coulter and Beetlejuice hits the 'Net, I won't have a word to say about it. Which would sadden me greatly.

In the meantime, sign up for my free CBS Sportsline-generated PaulKatcher.com 2006 March Madness Pool. The password is: yankees_in_2006

It's a tiered scoring system, where each of 32 first-round games is worth 1 point, each of 16 second-round games is worth 2 points, each of 8 third-round games is worth 4 points, and so on. Even Vince Young could tell you there are 32 available points in each of six rounds. Actually, Vince couldn't tell you that, but I am.

The prizes are the usual: I'll e-mail the top three finishers to see what they want: crap from my sports memorabilia collection, a framed print from my photo galleries, or whatever is cheap. Guys, if you want a gift certificate for a lap dance at your favorite strip club, just tell me where your mom works. Ladies, if you want a new vibrator for your collection, just tell me the color, and make sure it's a cheap one. No flashing lights or anything!

And you know who's gonna be available in your pool of 65 teams? My alma mater. That's because...

Syracuse Defeats UConn in Big East Tourney Quarterfinal

Some thoughts...

• Never seen a team go from so out to so in the Big Dance by outscoring two opponents by a total of three points in a span of about 27 hours.

• You know why we won that game? Because Dick Vitale wasn't in the building. Every time he's near our bench, we get blasted. He's to SU blowout losses what humidity is to crotch rot. You can have one without the other, but they make sweet music together. I don't really know what I'm getting at here, except that Dick Vitale is something akin to crotch rot. That's pretty much my point.

• As a guest on Quite Frankly after the big victory, Jim Boeheim said he'd already apologized on national TV for cussing during Wednesday's post-game press conference and now wanted to tell "the millions of viewers" watching Stephen A.'s show that he was sorry. Where are these "millions of viewers" Boeheim thinks is watching Quite Frankly at 11:30 p.m.? Did he think he was on Letterman or Leno?

• I can't tell you whether Gerry McNamara's underrated or overrated, because I don't know where he is rated. I do know that, without him, Syracuse doesn't have nearly the resumé it does for G-mac's four years. Can he carry a team on his back? Not every game throughout a season. Can he hit six 3-pointers as a freshman in the first half of a national championship victory, help his team to the Sweet 16 a year later, help his team win the Big East Tournament a year after that, protect leads for four years by being as clutch as can be at the line, hit two crazy-clutch 3-pointers to vault his team to the NCAAs his senior year? Yeah, he can do that. He can shoot, pass, dribble, think and defend that zone, not at an All-American level all of the time. If he could, he wouldn't be playing college ball for four years.

And now, a link dump...

• Meet the IT Gigolo — Some dude put an ad on Craig's List that read "WILL FIX COMPUTERS FOR SEXUAL FAVORS." He says it works, claiming about a spyware-removal project: "One girl didn't even wait for me to finish the virus scan — she just grabbed me and gave me a blow job." (Thanks, Eddie)

• Clay Aiken Fans May Sue Over Pop Idol Who 'Wasn't All He Seemed' — Claymates are upset after magazines ran the accounts of men who said they met Aiken through online gay sex chat rooms. Wait, isn't that exactly how he seemed?

• Video: Independent Boob Control — Ya know how you see guys flex their pecs and you're all like, "whatever?" Well, this is kinda the same, but with great tits in a bikini.

• Alfred's 2006 Mardi Gras Pics — Rebuilding the Gulf, one breast at a time.

• Clay's Retouching Rant — My buddy has some thoughtful comments on how much retouching of digital photos is appropriate to keep a level of authenticity. And his readers chime in as well.

• South Dakota Bans Most Abortions — I know people think liberals are kinda apathetic, but try to fuck with pro-choice, gay rights or separation of your religion with my life, and even I'll get off the couch. Unless there's a Yankees game on or something.

• Increased Use of Internet in Life Leads to Digital Memories With Death — An intriguing look at how the Internet has changed the way people grieve. For example, leaving messages on a MySpace profile for a lost friend.

• With Sex Injuries, Love Really Hurts — MSNBC runs down some strange sex stories, like the guy who fell in love with a tractor that later killed him, accidental inhalation of a condom during fellatio and, everyone's favorite, the boken penis! (Thanks, Laurie)

• The Geography of Seinfeld — A Google mashup that indicates where Jerry, George, Cosmo and Elaine hung out. I live at 70th and West End (on this, 11th Avenue), if you wanna see how far away I am from Jerry's former real-life apartment. Unfortunately, there's no listing for that restaurant at which Poppi took a crap, didn't wash his hands, then made homemade pasta. I'd really like to avoid that "dump." (Found on GorillaMask)

It's the Great Pumpkinhead, Barry Bonds

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Bonds not interested in book that kills him
• Kirby Puckett items soar on eBay
• Shaun White to fly over Times Square
• Stadler and Waldorf's sports movie reviews
• Submit sex story; win boxing video game
• Girl hits 3-pointers, then gives birth
• 35th anniversary of Ali-Frazier I
• Ranking: top 500 wrestlers ever
• 16 Marlins get hits in rout over Nationals
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Review: Yankees Spring Training in Tampa

Last Thursday morning, New Yorkers awoke to a heavy sleet and near-freezing temperatures. Not exactly a great day for baseball.

That same day, the Yankees — professional sports' version of royalty, the most beloved franchise in America — played their first spring training game in Tampa, a city known for beautiful weather, Ybor City revelers and highly regarded strip clubs.

Three buddies and I boarded a flight that evening to catch up with them. It just sounded like more fun than hopping yellow puddles on the sidewalk. Let's see how it went.

(Oh, photos have already been posted.)

Weather: Must not be hard to be a meteorologist in Tampa during March. "Doppler 7,000,000 tells us it'll be perfect again today. Highs in the mid-70s, lows in the upper 50s. Expect the same all weekend. Tourists are urged to pop the top on ther rented convertibles. Now back to you, Bill."
Rating:

The Original Hooters: On our way to see the Yanks play the Phillies in Clearwater, we stopped at the first-ever Hooters for lunch. They served pitchers of Bud Light for $4.99. I can go on about how the male-to-female customer ratio in the joint was 100-2, or how our server was wearing someone else's name tag for a reason that remains a mystery, but does it even matter when pitchers are $4.99?
Rating:

Spring Training Games: I wanted to delay my maiden trip to Tampa for when the Yanks were scheduled to play games that mattered against the Devil Rays at the Trop, but I was told by many that these games were a good time. Eh, yes and no.

We saw three games: Friday at Clearwater against the Phils, Saturday at Legends Field in Tampa against the Reds, and Sunday in Dunedin against the Blue Jays.

The weather, proximity of seats and beers that sell for about half the price at Yankee Stadium ($4.50) are great. But it felt like being in an outdoor bingo parlor, surrounded by people just hoping to get through the day without dying. Worst of all was seeing a Yankees outfield of Kevin Thompson (72), Kevin Reese (70) and Mitch Jones (90), whose jersey numbers combined to tally 232. Not that I don't wish 'em luck, but there's no way these games were more spirited than a regular-season affair, even against the Rays. Hell, I've seen more cheering for ugly chicks in wet T-shirt contests.

Saw Randy Johnson give up a blast to an unknown, so he's already in midseason form. But my personal highlight was welcoming Jays reliever B.J. Ryan to his new team by yelling from the second row, as he walked to the bullpen after giving up one run in one inning, "We're gonna own you this year, Ryan. All year long, baby."
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Bern's Steakhouse: One of the super-cool things about New York is that there are places where you know every living person who's ever mattered has been. Take Madison Square Garden, for example. Is there an entertainer or athlete worth a Lindsey Lohan freckle who hasn't at least walked through those doors, even if not performing? It's interesting to think about: when you say everyone's been there, you really do mean everyone.

Anyway, Bern's Steakhouse is one of those places that's so great, I imagine anyone who's ever mattered in Tampa has been there. Shit, Doc Gooden probably did lines in the john at some point. The 28-page menu is a monster and worthy of a place that seemed to house more artwork than a museum, though it wasn't excessively stuffy, if more formal than the original Hooters. They have the world's largest private collection of wine, at 1 million bottles. You get a tour of the kitchen when you're done with dinner, then are moved upstairs to a private dessert booth, which was especially Brokeback for us four guys.

In all, it was a nice reminder that I can't cook for shit.
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Ybor City: Easily the most disappointing part of the trip. On the surface, it seemed to have the spunk of Bourbon Street in New Orleans with the relative cleanliness of Duval Street in Key West. Upon closer inspection, it was filled with trash, and that's just the people.

On Thursday night, we were shooting pool and drinking $2.50 beers in the fairly empty dive Reservoir Bar, which, as opposed to almost every other watering hole on the street, wasn't totally empty, when we saw slutted-up chick after slutted-up chick go into the club Code across the street. I loathe clubs, but figured the people-watching experience would make up for 'tude that was sure to permeate from the pores of every guy and gal who thought he/she was all that. Ya know, like every club ever invented.

And it wasn't too bad inside. It was college night, which made me more than 10 years these people's seniors. Of course, it's hard to talk to anyone when the music is blaring like that. Two-dollar Bud Lights (for real) made the $10 cover tolerable. The outdoor balcony was an uncrowded, fresh-air haven. If only there were actual people on the street to observe, other than these fighting assholes.

When the club emptied I saw more fights and near-fights. And the absence of such stupidity defines where I hang and who I hang with. I've been out drinking to 1,000 places with 1,000 people and never get in fights. But clubs don't attract the smartest segment of the population, do they? Well, except for the Gotti boys. They're geniuses.

Tried Ybor again on Saturday night to see if it was a Two-Night Town (my moniker for a place that jams only on the weekend) and it was a smidge better. In other words, it still sucked. I don't know what the deal is. There were plenty of bars, the prices seemed right, the businesses were welcoming. Maybe they just need to flush some of the garbage out of there somehow. Bourbon Street has its packs of trashy loiterers, but the sheer number of tourists overcomes that. Not the case here.
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Mons Venus Strip Club: I have a love/hate relationship with strip clubs. On one hand, I love tits and ass. On the other hand, I hate being patronized. I guess if you can suspend the idea that you're being treated like nothing more than a wallet, then you can survive, but I normally can't. I'd rather take a run in the sack with someone not physically perfect but is at least aggressive and into it and, thus, legitimately naughty and way more mentally stimulating. And the cash savings helps, too.

Mons works different than other strip clubs I've been to. It's totally nude and no liquor is served. The $20 cover sucks, but there's no pressure to buy any non-alcoholic bullshit. It's a small, no-frills space and guys crowd, standing up, around a circular stage where about eight dancers do their thing for minimal tips, while other girls work the room to give dances for $20-30 on couches that line the walls.

I have to say, my first dance was awesome. Like Montreal — where it's only $8 American per dance, and in a private booth — it's a full-contact Human Car Wash, so your hands can explore almost every inch of these near-perfect bodies. A lot of top talent fly into Tampa just to work a few nights. I wasn't used to the grinding action that I found laughable in Showgirls and, get this, guys actually get off in their pants if they ask a girl to continue for a few dances. I wasn't about to pay $75 to stain my jeans, but I was told it happens. And, disturbingly, I saw some furious movements and o-faces that hinted it was occurring before my eyes.

Saw one familiar face who was worth tens of millions of dollars. His identity wouldn't add to the story, but at least you know even the super-rich hang out at this dump. Apparently, he's there "all the time."

I sampled one dance each from four girls. All had fake tits, which look nice but, of course, feel as unnatural and unsexy as grapefruits. I asked one girl if she liked dancing. She lamented it was just a job, which was a boner-killer. But two minutes later, she brought it back to life! And then I paid her $20, and I'm not sure if either of us came out on top. Still, she might be the hottest chick I ever touched. Or ever will.

I give it a high rating simply for the unique experience. Wanna feel up some super-hot broads and have them grind your crotch? Chances are it's better in Tampa than where you are right now. But I wasn't drawn back for a second go-'round. Maybe next time.
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Overall: I've forgotten what it's like to have to relieve stress. Especially since Kevin Brown's Yankees contract expired. Having no boss, no girlfriend, no kids, no pets, no religious duty, no health or money concerns and no reason to set an alarm clock, I have no responsibility whatsoever.

So as much as I liked this trip, others may get even more value out of it. Because I can't imagine that riding bayside in a convertible to an afternoon baseball game, under clear skies in mid-70s temps, stopping at a Hooters for $4.99 pitchers, cold-coolin' in a hotel pool afterward, then heading out for amazing eats, cheap drinks and the occasional lap dance wouldn't put anyone in the right frame of mind.

There's still a month of spring training left. If you need a break from everyday life, get on down there for a weekend.

Oh, and if any readers are Yanks superfans, have some free time and wanna follow baseball royalty around the U.S.A. this season, get in touch with me. Baltimore, Washington and Philly for sure, but all cities considered. Dallas, Seattle, Oakland, Toronto, even Detroit and K.C., etc.

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Photos: Yankees Spring Training in Tampa

I'll do a full Tampa spring training report later this week, but for now a bunch of photos have been posted. The first 10 are pretty good.

Reporting For Duty, Mr. Steinbrenner, SIR!

Thursday I hit the road to sunny Tampa, Florida, to make sure things are proceeding as planned as the Yankees embark on their ninth straight AL East title and overall ass-kicking of the rest of the less-fortuned MLB.

Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do to keep Jeter, Damon, A-Rod, Williams and Leiter in camp, as they're scheduled to play in this WBC farce that, as predicted, has a higher rate of pulling out than a drunken college hook-up.

I'll try to get pics up ASAP, likely sometime on Monday, and a report to follow. The Saturday affair will be played at Legends Field (pictured), a place named as only the Yankees can do it, and we'll be trailing the Bombers to whatever high school fields the Blue Jays and Phillies play at. Should be a good time, though I'm expecting the biggest sausagefest since the days of Abe Frohman.

While I'm here, I might as well clean out the Web Finds:

• Lindsey Lohan's GM Fashion Show Nipple Slip — This one looks legit, too. Don't miss the hi-res version of more freckles than Peppermint Patty ever dreamed. Among common phrases that owe their origins to the Internet, I'd say "Googling someone" is No. 1, followed closely by "the nipple slip."

• Stadler & Waldorf's Oscar Picks — Let the Muppets cronies help you out with your pool.

• Torrie Wilson Superfan Site — Anytime you've got a million screen grabs of each TV appearance, the term "obsessive" comes to mind. But she's got nice cans, so who cares?

• Date Movie Is a Fucking Abomination — Metacritic aggregates 18 media reviews of this flick. Seven gave it a zero. Six more gave it 25 or less, and that's out of 100.

• Improv Everywhere Strikes Again — The New York-based prank club manages to get 60 cell phones to ring at once at the Strand bookstore. Pics and video included.

• Mardi Gras High on Spirit, Low on Sales — The AP reports on the financial impact the festival had on a rebuilding New Orleans.

• Alba Threatens Playboy Over Cover Pic — The joke's on Playboy here if it has to resort to featuring cover photos of hot, young chicks who refused to pose nude. (I'm sure Jessica Alba's been asked 1,000 times.) But did the magazine cause "immeasurable harm" by doing it? Gimme a break. I'm sure she — or her handlers — just want compensation for having influenced magazine sales. That is if anyone still buys Playboy.

• Ohio Couple Ties the Knot at McDonald's — What do you give as a gift at this thing, a package of sweet & sour sauce? Is the reception held in the children's playpen's ball pit?

Action Shot: Greg Luzinki Processing Carbohydrates

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Joe Sports Fan's worthless baseball card collection
• The "only true international streaker"
• Hideki Matsui gives himself happy ending
• Video: top 10 all-time NBA in-game dunks
• Video: Chris Rose nails Jerry Rice in ear with football
• "Book of Sports Lists" toilet paper
• All-Time All-Franchise All-Star Team
• Top batter/pitcher rankings in MLB 2K6
• Mark Prior makes same salary as Shawn Chacon?
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.