PaulKatcher.com

End of 2005 Link Dump

This will likely be the last post of the year, and I want to thank everyone for their readership in 2005.

I hope you got some laughs out of this collection of bullshit, and I appreciate all the comments and e-mails that really benefit the site and motivate me to keep it going.

Party safe, and I'll see ya in the new year. Till then, here are some links I've been holding:

• eBay: Kevin Federline Action-Less Figure — Bidding has ended, but you can probably get your own life-sized version once Britney divorces his stank ass.

• Growing Up Gotti Soundboard — Arrivederci to this collection of rude imbeciles and their house that crime built. The show got canceled, but the Strong Island accents live on in this soundboard. Definitely click on "hoochie mamas," "I'll call ya, yo!" and the ultimate classic, "I don't have any gel!" Also: Jump the Shark: Growing Up Gotti

• MyHeritage.com's Face Recognition Tool — Upload a picture of your face to see what famous people you resemble.

• Video: College Kid Woken Up By Severe Nut Shot — I prefer alarm clocks myself.

• Fotki: Pavel Avramenko's Yosemite in Winter Photo Ablum — Stunning photos of the park I visited this past summer.

• FuckChristmas.org — A fiery essay aimed at the folks at Faux News and their mythical War on Christmas.

• Game: Incriminati — It's a race to clean your room and stash everything from porn to coke to Gary Glitter before the 'rents pop in. (Thanks, Pee Wee)

• Roger Ebert's Top 10 Movies for Each Year Since 1967 — Curiously, The Godfather, Part II didn't crack Ebert's 10 best of 1974. (Rog's review.) And his seventh-best from 1995 is Exotica, one of two movies I've ever walked out on. The other being Time Bandits. (Found on GorillaMask.net)

• The 50 Greatest Gadgets of the Past 50 Years — PC World runs down the most significant tech gadgets of the last half century.

• Video: Fox News Dude Screams at Guest Over Some War on Christmas Discussion — I love the "We Scream, You Decide" approach. (Found on Living Reflections)

• MurphGuide.com's NYC New Year's Eve Parties — If you're in town and looking for a place to party at, my buddy Murph runs down the options.

• Mustaches for Kids Completes Another Successful Run — The Village Voice profiles my friend Jeff's annual initiative to help children in need, this year focusing on the Children's Hospital of New Orleans.

Deep Thoughts: The Holiday Edition

I hope everyone is enjoying their holiday season, the most wonderful time of the year, unless you were that Browns fan who ran onto the field in Cleveland and got jacked up by Steelers linebacker James Harrison. The Browns' pathetic five wins is still third-most since the team was let back into the league seven years ago. Way to represent.

Anyway, here are some thoughts on things I've seen/done since we ass-raped the Red Sux for the 1,000th time.

Christmas: Say, who won the war on Christmas? Oh that's right, there wasn't one. I guess Faux News will have to fabricate another another movement of the liberal left against the freedoms of the Christian right. Next they'll find the three people in the country who don't like pizza and scream at them on TV, too, above the headline "ARE YOUR PIZZA-EATING RIGHTS BEING TRAMPLED?" I'm as anti-religious as they come, but you can hang on my door a poster of Bill O'Reilly tonguing Jesus' balls as long as there's a coupon for 25% off at Circuit City attached. Who doesn't love this most sacred of all holy days fuckin' awesome retail splurge?

Sweet Charity on Broadway: Saw this show on Christmas evening, and it was good. Not bad, not great, and that's what the mainstream reviews have said (New York Times | Variety). Christina Applegate was plenty talened for this Broadway novice, and I always appreciate artists living out their dreams by reaching the apex of their professions. Congrats to all.

Pulp Fiction: I'm no longer the last living person to have never seen this movie. It took 11 years to see what is ranked No. 9 on IMDB.com's list of top 250 movies ever, and I was left with just one question: What the fuck was that? If it influenced such movies as Memento, let me say it spawned at least one film that was 1,000 times better.

American Pie: Band Camp: How can you go wrong with a $1.99 coupon at Blockbuster? Rent this daisy cutter of a bomb. It wasn't until I was in line that I realized none of the regular cast, save Eugene Levy and the guy who plays the Sherminator, was in this. And now I wonder what their agents are doing after certain termination. Spoiler alert (as in I'm alerting you to not spoil your afternoon): Stifler's brother, Matt, the main character/prick-in-training, ends up with his nuts in a jar as he courts a goody-two-shoes band geek and deletes from his computer hidden-cam videos of chicks showering. A touching moment that should have any male throwing up.

Deal or No Deal: This NBC show got a four-star review in the New York Post, a record for a game show that involves absolutely no skill or strategy. It's the snoozy equivalent of watching someone bet on red or black in roulette, and I can't stomach watching the Springer Nation contestants having tens of thousands of dollars dangling in front of them in a test of impulsive greed.

Online Poker: I downloaded the free app from PokerStars.net, and betting with play money is a fun time-killer. With just a shred of discipline — simply folding hands the pros throw away on TV — it's pretty easy to make a big score with a strong hand, since almost everyone plays loose, foolishly chasing draws against poor odds. I imagine the play is tighter in real-money games, but that's a potential vice I don't plan to entertain.

Monday Night Football on ABC: One aspect of the changing landscape of prime-time football that didn't get nearly enough attention this past week is that, while we'll still have a game on Monday night next year, the Sunday night game on NBC is the one the NFL will showcase. In the last seven weeks, the league will be able to shift afternoon games to prime time to ensure more meaningful games are shown on national TV. Such is necessary in an era when injuries completely bury preseason contenders (Eagles, Jets, Packers) and we're stuck watching them instead of surprising, worthy teams, even from big markets (Giants, Bears). That kind of scheduling switcheroo just wasn't feasible on Monday.

Look What I Found at the Yankees Clubhouse Shop

Some thoughts on the signing of Johnny Damon.

• The Sux signed John Flaherty, so it's only fair we got one of theirs. Hey, we'll take Manny Ramirez off your hands if you want Bubba Crosby.

• Brian Cashman opened a most awkward and corny press conference — even by Yankees standards — by offering Damon's wife, Michelle, 18 roses (to match his jersey number) and kissing her on the cheek. Suave is not a term one would use to describe Cashman, and I was surprised she didn't return the favor by offering a lap dance. If you played word association with 100 people on the street and mentioned Michelle, 99 of 'em would say "stripper."

• YES announcer Michael Kay prefaced the ceremonial dressing of Damon in pinstripes by saying something to the effect of, "If you're a Boston fan, you might want to look away. This is gonna be tough to watch." Hahaha. That's like seeing someone sprawled to the ground following a massive nut shot, then running over to administer an atomic wedgie. If only John Sterling had hosted, the Pomposity Meter would have exploded.

• One of these days we're gonna have to take George Steinbrenner to task for allowing a team from Boston to craft an image as free spirits and New Yorkers as drones, when comparing the character of the two cities is like a paint-by-numbers to a Van Gogh. When's the Guinness Book of World Records gonna recognize Fenway Park's mark for Most Pleated Khakis Worn By an All-White Audience?

• Aren't there enough fans in Red Sux Nation to afford an extra $12 million over four years to make certain the Yankees couldn't pull this doubly-whammy of filling a need and creating one for a rival? Management couldn't figure out how to bleed an extra couple of bucks per fan over four years? Well, enjoy that big bag of Cheetos with all the money you saved.

• Gotta love the Kansas City Star looking back at 10-year-old articles from when Damon was a member of the Royals. That's when you know your team's got nothing going on.

• Bill Simmons' reaction is pretty matter-of-fact: pro athletes care less about supposed apocalyptic rivalries than fans and make decisions based on money. Which is great if your team has the most money. Wish we could say to Sux fans, "We know how you feel," but we can't.

• It did blow, though, when Andy Pettitte and Roger Clemens eloped to Houston to be closer their families and Andy's Power for Living books, leaving us to pitch Jon Leiber, Kevin Brown and Javier Vazquez in Games 6 and 7 of the 2004 ALCS. Imagine what a Red Sux fan's mentality would be right now if they hadn't closed the World Series gap to NY 26 - Boston 6 in between Aaron Boone's HR, that February morning when we dropped the A-Rod bomb, the fall from grace of Nomar Garciaparra, Pedro Martinez's burned bridge, Curt Schilling's career-threatening injury, the vanishing of Keith Foulke, us winning the 2005 AL East after their own late-season losses to the Devil Rays, and now stealing away Damon. My guess is they'd be equal parts suicidal and homicidal, instead of just bitter (again) and insufferable.

• There's still 0.01% of me that's wary of Damon being a spy. With Kevin Millar holed up in a camouflaged van wired with surveillance monitors.

• No. 18 isn't going to be a hot-selling jersey in New York. At least not yet. I could count on one hand the number of Randy Johnson jerseys I saw in 2005. But if you're a Yanks fan in Boston, this is the last-minute Christmas gift to end all.

• Damon will be in pinstripes when the Yankees open their new stadium in 2009, but Mariano Rivera, Bernie Williams, Jorge Posada and Joe Torre, almost certainly, will not. How's that for weird?

• I wonder what will be the first five NYC strip clubs Jason Giambi takes Damon to.

• Again, Damon was never really a hated guy in New York, no more than any other Boston player. In order of most-hated Red Sux, on a scale of 1-100, the top villains are: Red Sux Nation (185,000) Schilling (99.9), Jason Varitek (99.8), Trot Nixon (88) and Ramirez (85).

• I thought Frozen Caveman Lawyer was a fictional character until I heard Damon speak. Compared to him, George Bush is a skilled orator. But it's hard to gracefully say this, which would have been an honest answer to any question he fielded: I would rather get paid $52 million to play for the Yankees than get paid $40 million to play for the Red Sux, and whatever effect it's going to have on Boston fans isn't enough to affect that decision. Period.

• Moral of the story: We're the Yankees and you're not.

Kobe Bryant Undresses (Again), and Other Sports Links

Tuesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Leon Spinks cleans YMCA for $5.15/hour
• The Camel Toe Report's sports section
• Sania Mirza has some spectacular juggs
• Sterling Sharpe gets punk'd by Mike Shanahan
• Jersey gov. hits half-court shot
• 32nd anniversary of the Immaculate Reception
• End of Monday Night Football on ABC
• Paul Hornung: Worst Heisman winner EVER
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

In Times of Strike, New Yorkers Turn to Sex

In the past couple of years, us New Yorkers have had to deal with the 2003 blackout, Kevin Brown's Yankees career and the 2004 Republican convention, so we know how to deal with things we just want to go away. The prevailing attitude over the mass transit strike, Gawker has uncovered, is that we want to be boning as much as possible.

Just check out some of these postings on Craig's List:

• Seeking a Woman for Transit $trike Head
• Strike Fuck — You Must Host
• Fem BTTM Seeking Transit Men/Blue Collar to Suck
• Transit Strike: Give Me Head... I'll Drive You Where You Need to Go

There's plenty more, including this guy stuck in a hotel but remembered to bring his skis. Reminds me of a friend of mine who posted about needing a ride to his ski house, without knowing that "skiing" on Craig's List is a euphemism for doing cocaine. Well, at least he got laid out of it. At least that's what he says.

Today's New York Links:

• Damon, Yankees Reach Preliminary Agreement on $52-Million, Four-Year Contract — Still 32, and coming off a season in which he hit .316, I'll take it. We filled our biggest hole and created one for our highest speed bump on the way to a ninth straight division title. Surprised to see he doesn't walk much for a guy I always thought was a pest at the plate (career stats). Trivia question: What do Pedro Martinez, Derek Lowe, Mark Bellhorn, Johnny Damon, Kevin Millar, Bill Mueller, Orlando Cabrera, Alan Embree, Doug Mientkiewicz and Dave Roberts have in common? (And that's not even counting Keith Foulke, whom the city can't stand.) I always thought that when the Sux finally won a title, they'd all own keys to the city and everyone would relax. Fourteen months later, half of 'em are in different cities, some left on bad terms, and fans are no less loco than they were before. Then again, they haven't practiced this 26 times.

• "Improv Everywhere" Clips — Hilarious stunts by groups of New Yorkers who have tourists and residents wondering what the fuck is going on. Definitely check out the VH1 — 40 Greatest Pranks Quicktime clip in which, on a day U2 was set to perform in NYC, they impersonated the band on a rooftop and created a mini-riot of asshats screaming their names. Until someone yelled out, "Hey, The Edge is not Hispanic."

• SNL Video: The Chronicles of Narnia — Chris Parnell and Andy Samberg star in this new web phenomenon, with a shout-out to my 'hood on the Upper West Side. It's all about the Hamiltons, baby!

• Through His Webcam, a Boy Joins a Sordid Online World — The New York Times reports on its six-month investigation into a California youth's experience profiting from doing secret webcam shows for pedophiles.

• Newsday's Transit Strike Blog — News from the street from a host of authors.

• I Smell Dead People — A Village Voice write-up by a man who experienced "Bodies: The Exhibition," a downtown exhibit of cadavers.

For Your Sports Fix, Put it in the Face

Tuesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Video-game Shaq goes 1-on-1 in argyle sweater
• Couple covers baseball with 19,100 coats of paint
• Uniforms worn by every major-leaguer
• Ugliest holiday gifts for Yankees fans
• Fantasy Football Hall of Fame nominations
• Video of annoying drunk: Gooooo Raiders!
• Tonya Harding & Jeff Gillooly comic books
• Philly readies for Wing Bowl 14
• NASCAR Nation host Leeann Tweeden shows off for Stuff
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

And Some Random Sports Thoughts, 'Cause I Feel Like It:

• I used to think the '72 Dolphins were kinda funny for doing their champagne toast every year, but now that I see how damn serious they are about rooting against teams with a legitimate shot to join their club, I think they're a joke. Mercury Morris likened the experience to walking on the moon; you wouldn't know what it's like until you've done it. Well, I don't remember Neil Armstrong rooting for a spacecraft to explode before another guy got up there. Here's why they're so pissy, though: because the '72 Dolphins get no respect when all-time teams are discussed. And whoever does go 19-0 will blow the doors off Miami, at least in terms of public perception. Hell, the '85 Bears, '70s Steelers, '80s 49ers and '90s Cowboys already do.

• As if it's not bad enough having Yankees-hater Chris "Mad Dog" Russo man one-half of NYC's most popular sports radio show, co-host Mike Francesa, a buddy of Bill Parcells, is getting on my nerves with his pessimism over the Giants. Tuesday, he warned fans that, should the Giants lose at Washington on Saturday, the Raiders loom as a dangerous opponent on Dec. 31, because Kerry Collins has a vendetta against the G-Men, and Oakland sports a lot of weapons. Weapons, he failed to mention, that have been playing like dogs for weeks, having lost six of seven, including the last two to the Jets and Browns. In the NFL, no ballgame is a gimmie, but to label this matchup as especially dangerous, with the West Coast start time slated for 5 p.m. local in what should be a half-empty stadium on New Year's Eve, is absurd.

• Did you know Goose Gossage's career lasted until 1994 with Seattle, the same year Alex Rodriguez made his debut with the M's? I saw a clip of him striking out Jose Canseco, who debuted in 1985, and couldn't believe it. Sure as hell didn't know he lasted nine more years.

• Also learned by watching Yankeeography, Reggie Jackson hit his 537th home run, the one that moved him ahead of Mickey Mantle and into sixth place on the all-time list, against none other than Roger Clemens, then in his third season with Red Sux and en route to winning his first Cy Young Award, as well as the MVP he robbed from "The Greatest Living Ballplayer," Don Mattingly. C'mon now, if Ron Guidry couldn't win it over Jim Rice in 1978...

• As a Yankees fan, I wonder if I'm gonna get anything under my tree. Ya know, like a center fielder or something. But after 2004, when A-Rod magically appeared out of nowhere in February, I've learned that "it's a long season" even applies to the offseason.

• Some pics I took at the Giants-Chiefs game, if you're interested.

Meet the Doodys, a.k.a. 'The Faggot Family'

I really have nothing to add to this BBC story. How could I even try?

FAMILY OF FAGGOT FANS FLY THE FLAG

A West Midlands family is playing a central role in the quest to raise the profile of a forgotten British dish — faggots.

The Doody family from Wolverhampton has been crowned The Faggot Family in a national competition, and to kick off their reign they will launch National Faggot Week.

The family will be touring the country extolling the virtues of the dish, which is best-known for its links with the Black Country.

The Doody family were chosen to front the campaign after impressing judges at the Savoy Hotel in London in November.

"The nation knows that the Cornish pasty, Yorkshire pudding, haggis and fish and chips are great British dishes, but all too often the faggot is left off that list," said Janet Doody.

Her husband Fred added: "It's unfair because faggots were a British delicacy long before any of the others.

"The great British faggot is full of flavour and a great belly warmer at this time of year."

The family, including Lewis, 13, and Grace, 7, eat faggots twice a week, with mashed potato and mushy peas, and will be launching the awareness campaign on Tuesday at Liverpool University, followed by visits this week to Nottingham, Leeds, Sheffield and Birmingham.

The competition was organised by faggot producer Mr Brain's Faggots.

(Thanks, Rachel, for the link.)

Today's News Links:

• Oy to the World — Joel Stein's amusing column in the Los Angeles Times about how he copes with the Christmas season. "We Jews find it a little embarrassing that adults can still make such a big fuss over Christmas. To us, Jesus was just a cool guy everyone liked because he died young. And even 16-year-old girls eventually take down their James Dean posters."

• Nerve.com Interviews Video-Game Record-Holder — Amazingly, the conversation turns toward masturbation. But Todd Rogers, who once played Atari 2600 for 87 straight hours, says self-love is not for him. "My hands are like fucking sandpaper — if I start jacking off, I'm gonna have some bleedage down there, ya know?"

• File-Sharing on the Ropes After Kazaa User Fined $22,000 — Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

• What Women Need: Sweaty Male Armpits — Being exposed to the smell of a sweaty male armpit can make a woman feel calmer, according to a new study by a U.S. research team. If by "calmer," they mean "passed out from the stench," I believe 'em.

• Digital Photos Even a Miser Can Enjoy — The New York Times rounds up the best digital cameras for under $300, as submitted for the paper's fifth annual cook-off by 12 different manufacturers.

• Chicago Bar Serves Up $950 Cocktail — The Ruby Red comes complete with a one-carat, grade-A ruby, so it's a bit like people who, in order to avoid scalping violations on eBay, sell a Carrot Top DVD for $1500 ... with two Super Bowl tickets thrown in.

• Homer Math Catches Up With the News — A San Francisco Chronicle correction on some Homer Simpson dream sequence in which he wrote that "1,782 to the 12th power plus 1,841 to the 12th power equals 1,922 to the 12th power." Which everyone knows is not valid. Duh.

• Another Jab From JibJab: Bush's '2-0-5' — CNET on the latest animated release from the guys who brought you the 'This Land' short, which was viewed more than 80 million times. At a penny a view, that would have netted $800,000, but it sounds like the venture wasn't that profitable. At least not yet.

• TIME Names Bono, Bill & Melinda Gates Persons of the Year — Good samaritans get the nod over Mother Nature, which would have been my pick. Of course, the U.S. president almost always best fits the criteria for POY, which is "the person or thing that had the greatest impact on the news, for good or ill." Sports Illustrated made a similar selection for 1987 Sportsman of the Year, honoring eight Athletes Who Care. This is Bill Gates' eighth appearance on the TIME cover, which is incredible for a non-head of state. I also made a POY cover appearance last Friday in Times Square.

New Yorker Catches Baby Tossed From Fire-Engulfed Apartment

The Yankees and Mets have a couple of talented catchers in Jorge Posada and Paul LoDuca. And I made a pretty sweet catch on that Hideki Matsui foul ball this past summer. But we ain't got nothin' on Felix Vazquez, a 39-year-old Housing Authority supervisor who caught a one-month-old baby tossed by his mother from a third-floor Bronx apartment engulfed in smoke and flames.

The mom, who one can reasonably assume thought death was a likely scenario, was rescued moments later by firefighters who burst into the apartment, rendering the catch even that more critical, since the baby would have been saved as well.

Video of dramatic moment is linked from this Yahoo! news story. Didn't look like the best set-up in the world. No one could throw down a bedsheet first? Couldn't someone get his arms under Vazquez's as a back-up? But everything worked out.

Today's New York Links:

• Yankees Tickets on Sale Friday at 10 a.m. — It's an annual rite of frustration, as the club seems to release only the crappiest seats for such "premium" games as Opening Day and contests against the Red Sux and Mets, saving the rest for mini-plans offered throughout the season.

• Craig's List: 'To the Woman Who Danced in My Pee and Stepped on My Heart' — A simple case of boy meets girl. Boy pees on street. Girl dances around pee, then splashes in it. Boy freaks out and can't get "the necessary blood required to bone" her. Boy realizes, three days later that he's "down with pee."

• The Naked Cowgirl 2006 Calendar — Looks like our boy in Times Square has some competition.

• What's Left of the Mob — New York magazine runs down the state of the five families, including a mention of guy who's kid I used to hang with in grade school. Always did wonder why he had a Doberman and surveillance cameras.

• A Journey into Dorothy Parker's New York — My buddy Kevin gets his ass out of the bars long enough to write a book that Publishers Weekly calls "part biography, part walking tour," focusing on the Queen of the Algonquin round table by using photos and maps to highlight her many haunts.

• City Rag — A quality NYC blog I haven't yet had the chance to link to.

• Man Dressed in Jeans and Tank Top Calls El Quijote Restaurant 'Tacky' — I was looking over reviews for one of my favorite Spanish restaurants and couldn't help but chuckle at the guy who was pissed because they had a problem with his jeans-and-tank-top attire. Mr. Fashionplate even bashed the decor as "tacky."

• Makor Events — Lectures, classes and events on the Upper West Side. From music to food to screenings to singles meets.

• Dog Sees God — An off-Broadwway production that sets the Peanuts gang 10 years into the future, addled with drugs and hormones, while managing to cleverly avoid copyright issues.

Buy a 'Smiling' Pork Chop Dog for Only $2,000

Today's disgusting eBay item comes courtesy of Boca Raton, Fla., where someone has put up for auction a pork chop that resembles a smiling dog — for the low, low minimum bid of $1,998.

The seller says, "as the owner of two beautiful dogs, I was unable to eat the Pork Chop Dog." Gee, ya think? I don't have any dogs, and I ain't eating no low-carb Cujo, either.

Today's Web Finds:

• Crunks '05: The Year in Media Errors and Corrections — These are always great. Example: according to a correction in the Denver Daily News, I don't actually live across the river from "Jew Jersey."

• What Was the Funniest Person, Place or Thing of 2005? — Patton Oswalt says it was CNN.com's Hurricane Katrina Safe List, on which the first name is Hayward J. Ablohmie, an obvious fake.

• T-Shirt: Who Needs Big Tits ... When You Have An Ass Like This? — An awesome double-sided T-Shirt for the ladies.

• Video: Traffic Update Shows 'Fuck You' on Local Map — I love it when live newscasts go awry.

• Flickr Photos Tagged 'Fantasy Fest' — Here's what I missed last week, though it was worth it.

• Video: Siskel & Ebert Getting Pissy With One Another — I'd heard they didn't have the best of relationships. Here's proof.

Cheap Beer at the Stadium. From Your Stomach!

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• The Beer Belly: a sports drunk's dream
• Alex Smith: "I'm not overly huge. I'm not small."
• Howard Stern on Best Damn Sports Show Period
• Shop at Home's Don West swims in sports cards
• Star Kick: The $27,000 foosball table
• Tons of Vikings sex cruise T-shirts
• Tiffany & Co. sues Tony Siragusa
• New York Times explains the "Aikman Ratings"
• FOX Sports Net to air $100 million poker tourney
• Video of hilariously emotional pro wrestling fan
• Why white basketball players get compared to Larry Bird
• Half-dozen jockeys shoved in fracas
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Characters You Meet on the Basketball Court

My ZogSports co-ed 3-on-3 basketball league starts this week, so it's time to reacquaint myself with some of the characters one meets on the basketball court. If I've left any out, please post a comment.

THE CHUCKER: Made famous by the Seinfeld episode titled "The Boyfriend: Part 1," the ball hog is a loathsome animal who turns Bill Walton's beloved five-man offensive symphany into a Carmine Gotti Agnello solo on But Can They Sing? Tickling the twine at a scintillating .125 rate, the Chucker embraces the 1-on-3 with more vigor than a 19-year-old runaway in a Seymour Butts video.

From the Seinfeld script, a scene in a men's locker room:

GEORGE: All these years I've been chuckin' and you've never told me?
JERRY: Well it's not an easy thing to bring up.
KRAMER: Hey you know this is the first time we've ever seen each other naked?

THE WHINY BITCH: "Foul!" "I got it!" "And one!" (Ball bangs off the rim.) A close relative of the Chucker, the Whiny Bitch makes his own rules on contact, such as any scrape of a fingernail on his T-shirt is grounds for first-degree assault, his out-of control heave be damned. Determined to keep the ball on his end of the court for 10 minutes, the Whiny Bitch demands respect of a call that a fourth-grader would deem "a bit sissy."

THE PATRICK EWING HUMAN PERSPIRATION MACHINE: When No. 33 used to come into town, even clear blue skies meant a downpour at the foul line, as a flood of sweat poured down his chin. Similar PEHPMs exist in gyms across this great land, turning T-shirts into two-toned, 10-pound sweat rags. Unfortunately for you, they're the same guys who think their drop-step is Shaq-like because of talent, and not because of the damp stench you won't defend inside of five feet.

THE SMOKER: I fucking love the smokers. They're as into the idea as anyone, promise great drink-ups afterward and then, about four-and-a-half minutes into the game you think, "Man, I hope he doesn't die." He's the one begging to switch to a zone defense, calls "switch!" on every pick he doesn't have the energy to fight through and, best of all, spends every timeout doubled over like he took a bullet in Nam.

THE 'SLOW IT UP!' GUY: This dude I can't stand. Someone makes a steal, it's a 3-on-2 break, and some dipshit in the backcourt is pleading, "Slow it up!" like he's Dean Smith and not some lazy fuck who won't drag his ass to the party. Generally, he's the Chucker who can't bear to see a well-executed break run without him.

THE GANGLY, HACKING HAZARD: He doesn't meant any harm, he just causes it. Elbows flailing from the northeast, hip-checks coming from the southwest. Kneecaps headed straight for nuts. That perfect, perpendicular-from-the-floor defensive position? Never heard of it. The boy watched too much Big East hoops when they experimented with six fouls a game, almost ruining college basketball as we know it.

THE GUY WHO WAVES HIS ARMS ON THE FAST BREAK BUT THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY YOU'RE PASSING IT TO HIM BECAUSE HE'LL JUST BOTCH THE LAY-UP: Also known as: all of Kobe Bryant's teammates.

THE WAAAAAAAY TOO INTO IT REF: Every sport has 'em, and you have to love 'em. Instead of just calling over the back, they say, "Personal foul! Number 21 in white! Contact on the rebound before possession! Player did not allow for unimpeded challenge at the rebound!" And this is a fifth-grade CYO game. Always makes me wonder what huge foul shot they missed in high school that keeps 'em up every night, a la Jack Dundee from The Best of Times.

THE GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE ADAM MORRISON: Actually, nobody looks like Adam Morrison of Gonzaga (pictured). Is he auditioning for a role in Boogie Nights II, or just trying to set the record for Least Ass Gotten by a College Hoops All-American? Someone tell this guy that "porn stache" doesn't appear on many Playmates' lists of turn-ons.

Meet My Amazon.com Wish List

Every year around this time, bloggers post their Amazon.com wishlists, and I wonder how much of a loon one must be to buy gifts for a writer he/she's never met.

I'm not talking about a $10-20 token of appreciation. Those are understandable. I mean those instances where (mostly male) readers buy (mostly female) bloggers digital cameras, sets of expensive heels and all kinds of pricey items that show they're (unlikely) really rich or (very likely) really lonely.

Red Sux fans aside, I try to keep this site nutcase-free, but in case I've failed, here's a just-compiled Amazon.com wishlist of the most expensive shit I could find. And yeah, that's a woman's watch on it, because think of what I could barter a $225,000 watch for.

Today's Web Finds:

• Lisa Guerrero's January 2006 Playboy Pictorial — Her massive juggs used to be in full view on Monday Night Football. Now we have to settle for John Madden's.

• Century Club: By The Minute — You have to be really bad at math to think you can drink 100 1½-oz. shots of beer — the equivalent of 12½ 12-oz. cans — in less than two hours without some serious vomitous ramifications. (Found on GorillaMask.net)

• The Black Beatles MP3 — Pretty funny clip from the Don Imus morning show. (Thanks, Pee Wee)

• No Holds Barred — My sometimes Yogi's drinking buddy and loyal PK.com reader Eddie Goldman has launched a new boxing-related blog. Vicious sport; great writer.

• TV Squad Reviews Dane Cook's Saturday Night Live Appearance — I'm a big Dane fan, but man was I disappointed. The monologue was entirely from his previously released CDs, and the skits pretty much blew, aside from the Jay Feely skit in which he was bragging to incensed teammates on the flight home from Seattle about that chippie field goal he hit early in the game against the Seahawks.

• TIME's Photos of the Year — Compelling, dramatic photojournalism from my friends over at the T&L Building.

• Fotki.com Drops 4x6 Photos to 9 Cents Each — Build your vacation collages (you do this, too, right?) for only a couple of bucks.

Hooray Beer! PK.com on Hiatus for One Week

Since swim-up pool bars in Jamaica don't have Internet access — and I wouldn't care if they did — this site will be taking a break till Monday, Dec. 12.

Here's a few pics from Saturday's Army-Navy game in Philly, where I almost froze to death.

Have a great week, everyone.

GoldenPalace.com Launches 24/7 Shaune Bagwell Webcam

Say this for Shaune Bagwell: no one comes up with more unique ways of making a buck. Her current eBay auctions include ad space on her body while she shops in a bikini during the holiday season, as well as 100 pounds of her designer clothing.

And, as announced in those auctions, GoldenPalace.com has launched SwimsuitModelWebcam.com, a 24/7 mutli-camera surveillance of her home, which the online casino paid $30,000 for the rights to broadcast. From what I can gather, there will be scheduled photoshoots and chats, live cams and picture archives.

For now, get a preview of the photoshoots by clicking on the splash image, then "enter" on the next screen, then "check on the photo archive." Save an image to your computer and re-open to view in at a larger size. Next scheduled shoot is Monday at 7 p.m. CT.

Happy voyeuring.

Today's Web Finds:

• Nominate Yourself as TIME's Person of the Year, Get Broadcast in Times Square — Not 100% sure how all this works, but apparently you can submit and image to TIME and they'll put your face on the cover of a magazine in an interactive billboard in Times Square, then send you an e-mail to find the captured imagine online for viewing, printing and sending to friends.

• Ice Cream Crank-Off in McKinney, Texas — This is a summer event, so the organizers have time to change the name to something that doesn't insinuate a circle jerk of nut-butter topping onto a gallon of Rocky Road. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• Video: Wal-Mart Stampede on Black Friday — Equal parts sad and hysterical. I think I saw one of the medics trying to grab a $199 laptop for himself.

• Worst Quiz Answers Ever — From a London paper, so a lot of topics and wordings would be unfamiliar to U.S. nimrods as well. Here's my favorite: A guy is asked to "name a bird with a long neck." His answer: Naomi Campbell.

• Video: George Best's Greatest Soccer Goal — You know I don't know dick about soccer when this guy was supposed to have been on the short list of greatest players ever, yet I'd never heard of him before he was on his death bed. But I can name about 100 crappy pitchers for the Yankees from 1985-1995.

• Ronald MacDonald Charged With Robbing Wendy's — The article says the thief has "no relation to Ronald McDonald, the clown." Thanks for clearing that up, guys. (Thanks, John)

• 'Tampon Mona Lisa' Re-Listed on eBay — The listing now includes a tale of the seller printing out my original commentary on this item at the library and getting into hot water over obscenity. Like a piece of art built out of items a five-year-old can purchase, in the shape of the world's most famous painting, is obscene. My god.

• Video: Kate Moss Dancing Topless — Can't do better than link submitter John's comment: "In case there was any doubt she was on drugs..."

Photos: Bon Jovi at Madison Square Garden

I posted a gallery of photos from the Bon Jovi concert at Madison Square Garden on Tuesday, the band's second of two shows in New York this week.

Some notes:

• First, it was fun as hell. I've been to a few Bon Jovi shows, and the crowd just goes nuts for them. Mix that energy with a bunch of beers, eye candy and catchy arena rock that everyone knows the words to, and you've got a pretty good weeknight.

• The crowd was frighteningly homogenous. Looked like a damn KKK rally, but that's concerts for ya. Perhaps the most self-segregated part of American society.

• The arena was jammed, despite a flood of tickets available on eBay and Craig's List the day of the show. Lots of pairs everywhere, and we were lucky enough to pay $230 total for four tickets in Section 222 that each carried a face value of $115 after "convenience" fees and equally maddening facility charges. The moral is this: unless it's a gotta-have-it show, and unless you need a lot of tickets together, wait it out on the secondary market, which can't bear today's ridiculously high concert fees. And knowing that Ticketfast technology has attracted out-of-state brokers, e-mailable tickets on eBay is a great day-of option when some dude in North Carolina is stuck and, obviously, can't tap into his local client base.

• Concert-goers said Tuesday's show was exactly the same as Monday's, which is the definition of a Bon Jovi show. Maybe a little too polished, a little too calculated. They could play the world's most famous arena or a war memorial in a generic town, and they won't waver an inch. But that's how they survived the '80s with nary a scratch, by sticking with a proven formula. Bruce Springsteen would have none of that, as his shows can vary by several songs from night to night.

• I don't think I've ever met a woman who wasn't in love with Jon Bon Jovi. Try to find a gal who wouldn't fuck him in a pool of vomit while her parents watched. It's impossible. Of course, he got married long ago, which is still one of the great mysteries of all time. If I were Bon Jovi's fifth cousin, I wouldn't get married, let alone being the guy himself.

• Take your pick on super gay moment of the night: 1) A guy in a bar wearing a photo shirt you buy at a mall stand, showing him having met Bon Jovi. The shirt read: "MIKE AND BON JOVI. YOU KNOW IT!" Again, this was a dude. 2) JBJ and Richie Sambora sharing a microphone for all of "I'll Be There for You." Eyes closed, sweating, lips about an inch apart, Richie's own mic standing unused many feet away so girls can wet themselves over this contrived crap on the big screen. Piss break!