PaulKatcher.com

The Perfect Gift for St. Louis Cardinals Fans

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Get your own Chicago Cubs doormat
• The ugliest sports T-shirt ever
• Mobile strip club busted at Raymond James Stadium
• Yep, there's a fantasy bowling league
• Video: Mike Machuga makes like Fred Flintstone
• NYC cabs made to look like NASCAR racers
• How to get 2006 World Cup tix in Germany
• 10 Best pro wrestling matches ever
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

If I Got This Gift, I'd Kill Someone

These custom Etch-a-Sketch caricatures offered by FAO Schwartz this holiday season are nice enough. A unique, cute, little gift. But here's the problem: they cost $5,000.

FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!

Can you imagine unwrapping this thing, thinking, "Ah, that's pretty nice," then learning somebody committed to spending five grand on you and came up with that shit?

For that money, you could have gotten a 42-inch plasma TV, an Xbox 360, a shitload of games and a home theater system.

You could have gotten 600 lap dances in Canada.

You could have received a $100 dinner gift certificate to 50 restaurants.

You could have unwrapped 50 new $100 items for your wardrobe.

But no. You got a fucking Etch-a-Sketch. At $5,000, this could be the worst gift idea ever.

Today's Web Finds:

• Video: Weatherman Pwn3d By Snowball-Hurling Kids — This shit is great. A field reporter apparently asks some kids to spice up a live news report by throwing a snowball or two. Well, they pelt him with about a thousand. (Found on GorillaMask.net)

• Craig's List Post: "Do My Laundry, Get a Blowjob" — Yeah, it sounds like a good deal, until you read the part about "eight to twelve loads" — hers not yours. That, and she probably has a dick. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• Gizz Hunting Gel: 'Get It On' — Honestly, I don't know what the hell you use this stuff for. All I know is that promises "No more sticky messes!" — fairly uncommon when you're dealing with Gizz.

• I'm Not Nearly as Popular as Dane Cook — Link goes to his MySpace profile, which boasts close to 600,000 friends. Hope they're not all expecting Christmas cards.

• The E-Mail Time Capsule — Through this Forbes engine, write an e-mail to yourself and receive it up to 20 years in the future. Only one problem: writing an e-mail to yourself is patently retarded.

• The Cotton Factory — Another place to buy humorous T-shirts. The good thing is that, when this fad runs its course, kids are gonna be out only $15 apiece. Unlike that foolish throwback sports garb trend when people plunked down $250 a pop for Lance Alworth jerseys. And you know some people have like eight of them and still worry about paying the rent.

• British TV Shows Woman Serving Placenta Pate — I caught a bit of this one some shocking-movies show on HBO. Anyway, I watched a woman fry up a placenta and serve it as pate. I haven't been that sick to my stomach since ... um, 24 hours earlier when the Giants lost.

• PC World's 100 Best Products of 2005 — You'll notice there's no mention of a $5,000 Etch-a-Sketch.

• Miss Penitentiary Crowned in Brazil — Should the winner get knifed and not be able to peform her duties, the second-place crack whore will assume her title.

• eBay: Severe Beating From a Female — From the listing: "I'm a male, 31 years old, 6ft and 160lbs and i'm willing to let myself take a brutal beating from a lady." Hell, for $15, I'll wear a wig and beat this guy's ass.

Booger Dawson's Dad? None Other Than Henry From 'Alice'

Some things we could have discussed if you sat on a bar stool next to me over Thanksgiving weekend:

• Did you know that Mr. Dawson in Revenge of the Nerds IV: Nerds in Love — yep, the man who sired Dudley "Booger" Dawson — is none other than that pussy-bitch Henry from Alice? Henry Kaplan is still alive, but his career died with that role. Who knew?

• Did you know Peter Van Norden, who played Sgt. Vinnie Schtulman in Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment, was also defense attorney Paulsen in The Accused? Here's a guy who went from ordering Bunky to go in the litter box and not the cereal bowl to defending "college boy," like we're gonna take him seriously. And then he took a role in Gigli! Now, you can see him performing on stage in Baltimore.

• Did you know that both David Spade and Sharon Stone (pic) had roles in Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol? Oddly enough, they continued working.

• Did you know that Boss Hogg from Dukes of Hazzard visitied Mel's diner on Alice? I bet Flo told him to kiss her grits, before that firecrotch whored her $20 ass out as usual.

• The Thanksgiving Eve balloon blow-up was the whitest event I've ever seen in this city, displacing the U2 concert I went to, the Elton John concert I went to and all the Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen concerts combined. Total non-white people I saw at those events: about six.

• Conversely, Yankee Stadium is a rather diverse venue. Whites, blacks, Latinos and Asians, all pulling for the same team we paid through the nose for. It's pretty righteous.

• Anyone else watch those late-night HBO skin flicks and laugh their heads off? There's like five inches between genital regions, and we're supposed to believe they're fucking? This ain't erotica, this is comedy.

• The basketball team I'm captaining this winter: Off Each Other. That way, if you outscore us, you're relegated to saying, "We beat Off Each Other."

• There are losers, there are huge losers, and then there are the guys who call the 1-900 late-night party lines. When it gets to that level, you just have to feel sorry.

• Everyone has special talents. Mine is that I can tell if a sweet ass walking in front of me belongs to an Asian woman. I often speed up my pace just to make sure. Maybe 5% of the time I'm wrong and the chick appears to be a skinny Jewish gal, but still, I'm grading out an A.

• Going through my old e-mails made me miss New Orleans even more. Take this note (real, I swear) from a PK.com visitor in May 2004: "Hey, P. Where do the midgets hang out in the Big Easy? Is their (sic) a club that caters to them?"

• I usually can't tell if a woman is a good singer until I've seen her ass.

• A college-aged chick recently asked me if guys can pee with a hard-on. For those of you wondering, the answer is no. And we can't think clearly, either.

• Anyone else glad we don't have shows like Bonanza, Little House on the Prairie, Gunsmoke and The Andy Griffith Show on anymore? When was that shit entertaining?

• Considering Las Vegas is a completely manufactured city, are there any other locales that are looking back and thinking, "That could have been us. Whoops!"

• You don't see a lot of babies named Victor anymore, huh?

•: Acid reflux disease these days is huge. Maybe things were better in the olden says.

• Any country music stars actually play guitar, or do they just wear 'em?

• Don't really see a lot of black bartenders in NYC, do ya? The only regular I know is a part-owner.

• How loose was Andre the Giant's mom after she gave birth to that behemoth? Talk about having a rep around town.

• I didn't laugh at all when Florida State scored a touchdown this past weekend on a reception by De'Cody Fagg. Nor when the announcers said his name another 10 times.

• The way the Mets are turning Queens into the Latino baseball capital of the world, it won't be long before white players are the ones with translators.

• I'd pay money to any guy who plays Color Me Badd's "I Wanna Sex You Up" in the presence of opposite-sex company.

• If you're a guy going to Hawaii during the Pro Bowl, you have to submit to not getting any ass at all. All the hot parties are gonna be littered with freakishly-fit athletes, rich agents, physical trainers and the like. No way a schlub like me is gettin' any.

• Take your pick on why country music is filled with cornballs: 1) A commerical for the CMA awards in NYC on CMT said "New York City will never be the same." Uh-huh, yeah. And I like country music. 2) Kenny Chesney on Jimmy Kimmel Live saying he has friends in hip-hop and then naming those people as Kid Rock and Uncle Kracker.

• The first two picks of this years NFL Draft — presumably Reggie Buch and Matt Leinart, in whatever order — are gonna be like if Patrick Ewing and Tim Duncan came out in the same season. Unlike last year, when the No. 1 pick wasn't worth an 8-pack of hot dog buns. Do you even rememeber where Alex Smith went to school?

• After watching the Cleveland Browns on Sunday Night Football a couple of weeks ago, I have to agree with the ESPN announcers: Reuben Droughns is the greatest athlete in the history of sports. I think that's what they were trying to tell me.

Yankees 2006 World Tour Dates Announced!

The New York Yankees have released their 2006 schedule and so, during a week dominated by turkeys, let take a look at some of the opponents the Bombers will stomp on their way to a ninth straight AL East crown.

• Tickets go on sale Dec. 16 at 10 a.m. If last year is any indication, Opening Day and dates against the Mets and Red Sux will be gone within an hour. And months after I'm able to manage shitty seats to maybe two of those "sold-out" games, the Yankees will dangle magically available Mets and Sux tix as part of mini-plans offered every few weeks.

• Randy Johnson will start Opening Day in Oakland, at 10 p.m., on April 3. Won't carry as much buzz as the Sunday night opener against the Sux last year, but anything beats 5 a.m. in Japan against the Rays, as was the case in 2004.

• Our No. 3 starter (Carl Pavano? Chien Ming-Wang?) will get the call in the home opener at 1:05 p.m. on April 11 against the Royals, they of the 56-106 record last season.

• The schedule is perfect for road trips, which I'll be happy to organize for fellow Bombers Backers.

Three weekend trips to Baltimore (May, July, September) are a must. Tickets are only $15, split hotel rooms cost no more than $50 each, and pregame drink-ups and nightlife are a blast with thousands of Yankees fans making the 3½-hour drive. Last year we had 10 people from four states, and I hope we get an even bigger crew in 2006. I think only half were even rooting for NY, but we had fun.

In mid-June, we're at Washington (weekend) and Philly (midweek) for six games over seven days. It'll be a week-long East Coast invasion.

There are two weekend series in Tampa Bay (July, September). For all those who keep raving about spring training and the fun nightlife, why don't we go down for some real games?

We also visit one of the more exotic locations in the U.S., Queens, in May, to face the Mets before their annual August fade in the toxicology experiment known 'round these parts as the Purple Dump.

• Florida and Atlanta come here in June. Bet you can see the hairs standing on my arms already. I get that like that when I'm interested like not at all.

• Wanna make money off Sux fans? Do what I did last year. Buy tickets, with no intention of going, to their games against teams other than the Yanks, and sell 'em at a marked-up price. Last year I saw they had two weekend series in Baltimore. So when Orioles tickets went on sale, I bought two real good tix to two Saturday Sux-O's games. Paid a total of $60 and sold 'em on eBay for $200. Thanks, suckers!

• How bizarre was last season? We had the AL MVP and Comeback Player of the Year, as well as the No. 2 finishers for Cy Young Award and Rookie of the Year, plus Joe Torre finished third in Manager of the Year voting. And it was the most tumultuous season I can remember.

• My early prediction on the 2006 Yankees season: 162-0.

Photos: Blow Jobs on the Upper West Side

Every year on the day before I sleep through the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, organizers blow up the balloons from 3-10 p.m. about 10 blocks from my apartment, on either side of the Museum of Natural History.

Here's a photo gallery from the early evening.

All you need to know is this: Super Grover is the shit. Easily the most popular among kids and adults.

Bloody Hell, It's the Tampon Mona Lisa

Isn't she beautiful? All radiant and absorbent?

Ah, the Tampon Mona Lisa, now available on eBay, a beacon of culture amid a sea of auctions for freshly-picked boogers that look like Jesus at the Last Supper.

Obviously, a lot of questions come to mind, but no more curious than this:

What's it like to bid on such an auction and lose?

Once you commit to actually buying something like this, and then have it evade your grasp, it's gotta be 100 times worse than when someone outbids you for a used DVD of Road Trip. And those are frustrating as hell.

Today's Web Finds:

• Harrah's Must Honor Incorrectly Printed Vouchers — Customers of Harrah's Casino in Joliet, Ill., were supposed to receive coupons for $15 or $20. Instead, they read $525, and the Illinois Gaming Board says they must be honored. Guess where the local hookers are gonna be hanging out? (Thanks, Shumpy)

• Police Accidentally Taser Naked Man in Genitals With Taser — Whoops! Like they're not gonna be doing a shot or two over this. Not sure if it was Hightower, Hooks or Tackleberry.

• Wikipedia Entry: Ass to Mouth — Bone up on your facts next time this comes up at a social function.

• Photos: Extra Content from Gleny.com — As with any Fotki accounts, go to the comments pages to see the greatest hits. Or, in this case, greatest tits.

• MSNBC: T.O. an Easy Choice for Sports Turkey of the Year — My favorite part of the whole saga — and, officially, we're calling it a "saga," right? — was him calling the Eagles "classless" for not celebrating his 100th receiving touchdown. This from a guy about whom the word class has never been uttered nor implied.

• And Now Presenting ... The Ubersexual?! — According to a new book, metrosexuals risk being seen as "sad sacks" who seem "incapable of retaining their sense of manhood." No shit. Instead, make way for such ubersexuals as George Clooney, Bill Clinton and Bono, who are altogether confident, rugged and influential. Like they were ever in the shadows of guys who get manicures.

• Real Story of the Rogue Rootkit — Wired examines a controversial Sony copy-protection scheme that plays around with your computer, without your knowledge, when inserting a CD. Techies want answer as to why antivirus companies let this big-company initiative fly under the radar. I just wanna know who's still buying CDs. I go to stores like Circuit City, peer over to the music section, and just laugh my ass off.

• Grand Canyon Skywalk to Open in January — View mock-ups of a skywalk that juts out 70 feet into the Canyon, 4,000 feet above the Colorado River. And to think some people were freaking out when I simply hung my feet over the edge at sundown. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• The Worst Products of 2005 — PC Magazine runs down the 10 things you don't want to get for Christmas. Besides the clap.

• Body Bouncer — A rubber saddle mounted on a steel frame that's supposed to facilitate better sex. And then you can invite company to use it as a footrest in the living room. Don't miss the intro video, found at top right.

• TuckerMax.com Forum: Assclown Must-Do's — Several pages of feedback on my recent list of Things Every Assclown Must Do Before He Dies. A lot of these can spawn entire posts of their own: People You Run Into at the Gym, the Pool Hall, the Strip Club, etc. Gimme time and I'll get to them all.

20 Things Every Assclown Must Do Before He Dies

You've seen all the lists of things to do before you die. Ride a gondola in Venice, helicopter over the Grand Canyon, smoke pot in Amsterdam, see Paris from atop the Eiffel Tower. Check, check, check, check.

But that's for regular people. If striving to live the life of an assclown, one must complete this checklist to have people remember, "Now that guy was a fucking idiot."

20. Cheat on a significant other. Weak, in every sense of the word. You know what they say. It ain't how you act when people are looking.

19. Fail to look someone in the eyes when you shake hands. Pleased to not really meet you. I always pay attention to this.

18. Brag about drinking for free when you tipped the bartender $30. Free is $0. $30 is not. Just say you get good service and end it.

17. Spread your lazy ass all over the Barnes & Noble aisles. I don't know when it became socially acceptable to turn bookstores into libraries for sloths, but that's where we're at. Here I am trying to peruse the shelves for books I'm gonna buy online for 60% less, and I have to step over a number of assclowns spread all over the floor like a hotel room full of passed-out spring-breakers. And they've got five books to their side, so you know they don't have plans for the next several hours.

16. Smoke a cigar in a bar. We don't have this problem in New York anymore, but it used to take me about five seconds from spark up to "What the fuck is that stench?" A full half hour of selfishness. And you know these guys don't smoke cigars at home. Only when they can try to look cool in front of people whose environment they're ruining.

15. When ninth in line at a store, run toward just-opened nearby register. When assisting busy coworkers, some cashiers say, "Next person in line, please." Some don't, because they rely on human decency. Thanks, assclowns, who interpret the omission as meaning "free for all, barbarians."

14. Whistle at women from a construction site. According to the Elias Sports Bureau, the number of times a woman has stopped to chat with a whistling predator who's smoking a cig and eating a baloney sandwich on his 10:30 a.m. break is 0-for-5,000,000.

13. Continuously pepper crowded areas with nasty farts. Look, we've all been there. Ya gotta take a shit, right? And ya don't wanna do it here, right? Well, go the fuck home, will ya?

12. Sing with your eyes closed during karaoke. You're missing the point of the activity. Badly.

11. Wait on hold for 45 minutes to talk to a sports radio host. In 1986, I waited maybe a half-hour on 770 WABC to ask a host whether he thought Don Mattingly would win his second MVP award. (He said Kirby Puckett, but whatever). Anyway, I was 13. Thirteen! Grown men should not be doing this.

10. Put five minutes of thought into a tattoo. Ever met a bunch of grandmas with tats over their asses? Well, stick around another 40 years. I don't think military vets regret having their troop details inked forever onto their person. But that Tweety Bird ya got on your hip? We'll see. I've enjoyed the show Inked, because it juxtaposes professionals who treat tattoos as art with drunken assclowns who make rash decisions. Respect to the creative types who embrace the culture.

9. Complain incessantly about how someone misplayed his blackjack hand. Everyone gets irked by the guy at third base who hits on 13 against a 5 and ends up fucking everyone who was holding their breath for a bust. A few rolled eyes is understandable, especially if he doesn't offer a mea culpa. But the guy who whines about it forever, without taking into account that the player changed every hand that came after it — meaning he could have helped others in the long run — is equally ignorant as the bad bettor. Plus, if everyone always went by the chart, instead of invoking a feeling of luck, blackjack would be way more boring.

8. Share your 120 unedited party photos on Shutterfly. Here's one of me, James, Jessica, Steve and Allison. And here's one of Allison, me, Jessica, Steve and James. And here's on of Steve, Jessica, James, Allison and me. Jesus Christ, stick to the highlights, otherwise I'm gonna miss the good stuff that's buried somewhere among 15 shots that all look the same. Oh, and it's OK to delete the blurry ones. Really.

7. Brag about getting into a bar fight. Write on a piece of paper under what threats you would risk being cut with glass, breaking a hand or being jailed for the night, over simply walking away and assuring 100% safety. Then tell me how many bar fights you've heard of that qualified. Oh, and think about how many times you've seen two sober guys fight. The shit just ain't worth it.

6. Crank your SUV's souped-up stereo with the windows open. You think these guys pump the bass like that on the highway? Of course not. It's for attention, not for function. So I say, give 'em attention. Next time you're crossing the street in front of said assclown, stop and dance a jig for as long as the stoplight will allow. Then point and laugh ... a lot.

5. Take an extra ticket to a big event when you don't really give a crap. Hey, Melissa, I'm so glad you wanted to come to this Yankees-Mets game. So which New York team do you root for? "Oh, I'm not really into baseball." What?!?! There's a million people watching at home who would kill to be here.

4. Nonchalantly flick a corporate card on a bar. It's not the use of corporate cards I despise. It's that move where the guys dip into their pocket, position the card between their index and middle fingers and then toss the card at the bartender like they're the Sultan of Brunei.

3. Change lanes constantly in steady traffic. Recklessness is defined as taking unnecessary risks. Now you tell me how gaining seven car lengths over a half-hour period could be considered necessary.

2. Upon hearing House of Pain's Jump Around, actually jump around. Hell yeah, all my boyz be in the house! Don't forget to bump into bar patrons who actually go out more than once a week.

1. Wear a No. 69 jersey in a rec league. Bill Simmons wrote a piece on the 20 worst baseball fans that pretty much nails all the gripes I have with assclowns pervading stadiums nationwide. The No. 69 jersey at softball games takes the cheesecake in the sports arena. So played, so tacky. And let me add the fools at football tailgates who throw 40-yard passes while holding a beer, allowing the ball the bounce off their free hand and into your car.

Attention Tightwads! Preview 'Black Friday' Holiday Sales

I don't know about you, but I ain't buying jack shit for another six days. If I can't drink it or eat it, I don't want it.

Do I need a new computer monitor? You bet. But would I rather have six more days of headaches or a straight-up kick in the nuts next Friday when I see the same model 90% off at Circuit City?

Thanks to a New York Times article on websites posting scans of Black Friday circulars before they're intended for public viewing, I've been able to preview some of the great sales available nationwide the day after Thanksgiving.

Black Friday 2005 bills itself as the official website for such sale previews, and it's there you can find such deals as a 6-megapixel Kodak Z760 digital camera for $199 at WalMart, the Seinfeld Season 1 and 2 DVD for $19.99 at Best Buy and a Sandisk 1GB SD memory card for $39.94 at Staples.

Other sites to keep handy: GotADeal.com's Black Friday section, BlackFridayAds.com, AllTechDeals.com and DealNews.com.

You might also be interested in holiday shopping guides put together by CNET, MSN, PC Magazine, GameSpot and Yahoo!.

If you're buying for me, keep in mind one rule: the more expensive the better.

Today's Web Finds:

• Honor After the Fall — A gripping TIME photo essay on the process of informing military families that loved ones have died in Iraq.

• Photos: Britney Spears Braless on the Street — For more than five years, I don't think I've missed an opportunity to link to paparazzi pics of her nips.

• Wikipedia Entry: The Shocker Hand Gesture — I've been holding onto this link so long that they got rid of all the various riffs on "two in the pink, one in the stink." Here's a Google cache version of the page with the list.

• Nerve.com Interview With Sarah Silverman — I haven't checked out her new movie yet but, when I do, I'll have to try to not think of her having sex with Jimmy Kimmel.

• Wine Enthusiast Surveys the Best Spirits at Low Prices — Anyone who describes whiskey, rum and tequila as "spirits" deserves a major beatdown.

• Flickr Dude's Photos of Family Smiling in Group Photos ... at a Funeral! — Have you ever seen such happy faces at a graveyard? I can't believe these pics. God bless 'em.

Same Shots, Different Day

I found myself in the area of the Brooklyn Bridge at sundown Thursday so, of course, I had to walk across and take pics. If you've been a long-time visitor here, you're probably tired of seeing these same shots. If not, here's a new album for ya.

Also See: All My NYC Photo Albums

Have You Seen This Bull Semen?

The next time I'm in Frederick County, Md., which should come about a week after never, I'm gonna help crack the area's biggest mystery since a fifth-grade teacher turned up pregnant and neither of her brothers would fess up.

I'm talkin' about the $75,000 worth of bull semen stolen from Eric Fleming's farm. A distraught Fleming posted on a message board that "It was a mother load (sic) of semen that I consigned to Denver sale."

You have to feel for the guy. Who hasn't found himself in that situation? Here you have a mother lode of semen, you've already got it ticketed for Denver and, poof, no more jizz.

Fleming also promises "a nice fat reward" (presumbly not a bull's dick) for any information on said semen.

(Thanks, Eric, for the link.)

Today's News Links:

• Kindergartner Shows Up With Eight Bags of Heroin — Slacker. When I was a kid, I used to trudge three miles in the snow with an ounce of pot, 12 dime bags of coke, 16 tabs of ecstasy and three Original Whizzinators.

• Ten Years of Salon.com — The first legitimate online-only media site, with no ties to a major parent company, recounts its initial decade.

• U.S. Maintains Control of Net — Well, of course we should. Look at our country's contributions to the online world: Amazon and eBay, which changed the way business is conducted, as well as obscene t-shirts, videos of skateboarders breaking their ankles, the Paris Hilton sex tape, 10 million dipshits with crappy blogs, upper-middle-class teens busting their parents' credit cards on online poker sites, rednecks arguing on message boards about whether some 17-year-old QB is gonna take Tennessee to the next level and, of course, ungodly amounts of amateur porn starring Midwestern wives.

• AOL Instant Messenger Suffers Worm Attack — Viruses don't just spread via e-mail, so don't click on links from unfamiliar sources. Except you Red Sux fans. Click on whatever the hell ya want. It's all good.

• Bugatti Veyron Super-Car: 1,001 Horsepower, $1.24 Million — Several reports have placed the car's top speed at about 250 miles per hour, which is really important when you're in the market for a small-penis compensator. I'd still take an NYC cab in a one-on-one with this thing from the Bronx to Wall Street.

• Northwestern Senior Charged With Peeing Inside a Play Fire Truck — I prefer the monkey bars, but I didn't go to a school as smart as NU. (Thanks, Laurie)

• The Golden Gate Bridge: A Magnet for Suicides — A San Francisco Chronicle package on the lethal beauty and allure of one of the West Coast's most recognizable structures. I love how the piece begins with an admission that it pretty much ripped off a story in The New Yorker that I linked to more than two years ago.

• Watch Out, Best Buy and Circuit City — Business Week says that Wal-Mart is gunning for the nation's two largest consumer-electronics chains this holiday-shopping season. Now if only we had a Wal-Mart in any of NYC's five boroughs (see store locator for 10023 zip code).

• People Names McConaughey 'Sexiest Man' — Attention, People editors: It's spelled K-A-T-C-H-E-R. Also, when I worked for Time and your mag was delivered to my in-box every week, I cringed every time, saddened that this stinking pile of celeb baby pics, celeb weight-loss and celeb romance is perhaps the most financially successful magazine of all time.

Photos: Central Park in Fall

I've posted a new gallery of practice shots taken on a glorious Monday in Central Park, located a few blocks away from Chez PK.

The lead pic overlooks Wollman Rink, a shot very similar to that featured on the rink's official website. Goes to show any schnook can shoot in this town. Go take a walk and come back with some art for the walls.

A simple Yahoo! Maps link illustrates the proximity of PK.com world headquarters to Central Park.

Speaking of the Park, where I've played scores of softball games: We need a featured diamond, with seating for the tourists that abound each day. Especially the international folk unfamiliar with the game. As it is now, we have about 25 fields that are indistinguishable from each other, albeit well-manicured.

How cool would it be to have at least one with grandstands and fences, a place to go watch a quality, featured game every evening from March-November?

Today's New York Links:

• Thrillist.com — You may have seen the recent New York Post article on this free, four-times-a-week NYC guide aimed at young males whose average subscriber is "in his late 20s and earns over $100,000 a year — tons of bankers and finance people." Or, as I like to call them, guys who are still wearing suits at 1 a.m. on a Friday, looking like glossy-eyed poster boys for date rape. But don't hold that against the site, which features enough diverse tips and biting commentary to win my endorsement.

• AskANewYorker.com — a place to get expert advice on the city from people who live here. Remember, there are no stupid questions, only stupid people.

• Canstruction — Architects, engineers and contractors compete to design and build giant structures made entirely from full cans of food. At the end of the competition all of the food is donated to The Food Bank For New York City. Structures are displayed at the New York Design Center located at 200 Lexington Avenue. (Thanks, Murph)

• Village Voice's 50th Anniversary Special — A half-century of liberal viewpoint ... and hooker ads.

• A Slice of Brooklyn Pizza Tour — A four-and-a-half-hour tour run each Monday and Friday that has gotten glowing reviews. Unfortunately, they all seem to be from AARP members. Nonetheless, I'm gonna give this one a shot.

• Police Hunt 'Fire Fake' By MetroCard — Peter Braunstein is still on the loose, and cops know he travels the subway and buses only by daylight, because of data that's transfered from his MetroCard to a computer. Did anyone else know your travel patterns can be monitored like this? Nice of him to stay in town and support the local economy, though. Dumbass.

Looks to Me like the HotOrNot.com Classic

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• My thoughts on Maria Sharapova vs. Amelie Mauresmo
• Sparrow takes down 23,000 dominoes, then dies
• Dog reenacts Steelers-Browns with stuffed animal
• $20,000 virtual racing game
• Wrestler dies, WWE show goes on (of course)
• Five-point play possible in new ABA
• "Burger King Man" makes police blotter at FSU
• Ranking T.O.'s 32 potential NFL suitors
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Costco: Your Place for $38,000 Watches

You know what I love about guys who spend thousands of dollars on watches? They're the first ones to point out to you how much they paid. Oh wait, that's what I hate about guys who spend thousands of dollars on watches.

And I'm not talking about super-rich folk like 2005 AL MVP Alex Rodriguez, who doesn't have to consider the final price for anything. I mean people who choose extraordinarily expensive timepieces, which are no better at their intended function than reasonably priced models, for the sole purpose of impressing people, choosing that over trips to foreign lands or some shit that's actually interesting.

But to each his own.

Anyway, if you're in the market for such a watch and a huge jar of Jujubes, head on over to Costco for this $38,000 Breitling Mulliner Perpetual timepiece.

Yep, your home for big-ass cans of aerosol deodorant and 24-packs of chicken cutlets is also your place for watches priced close to $40,000. Oh don't forget to also pick up that Gilmore Girls: The Complete Fifth Season DVD.

Today's Web Finds:

• Shannen Doherty Was in Night Shift at Age 11? — On her IMDB profile, it says she was in the 1982 Michael Keaton-Henry Winkler flick about "love brokers," perhaps the most underrated movie of the decade. Only I don't remember this character, Bluebird. Anyone have info? "Yo, towel boy!"

• Paris, Kentucky Images — You have to love how your city is defined on Google images by that famous comparison of Paris in France and Kentucky. It's like they're praying for a serial killer to hit town just to change the rep up a little.

• That 14-Year-Old Pennsylvania Girl Kara Beth on MySpace.com — And look, it's her 18-year-old boyfriend, too. I can hardly read these kinds of news stories. Sick-ass people. (Thanks, Nick)

• Mark Cuban: Print Piracy Costs Much More Than Music Piracy ... But Its an Opportunity — And he's right. I almost always agree with this guy. I bet he doesn't own a $38,000 watch.

• Popular Photos Galleries on Pbase.com — Lots of great work on this site. Might also wanna check out their photos sorted by camera model.

Great Moments in Fat Chick History

They say that behind every good man is a good woman. And some of those women have big behinds. Here are a few of their notable achievements:

10 Bazillion B.C.: Cavemen Tells First "Yo Mama So Fat" Joke Yo mama so fat, her senior picture had to be an aerial view. More YMSF jokes.

1503-1507: Leonardo da Vinci Paints the Mona Lisa. It took Leonardo three to four years to finish the shading on her upper lip. She's a man, baby!

July 29, 1974: Cass Elliot Rumored to Have Choked to Death on Ham Sandwich. The Mamas & Papas singer stood 5-5 and weighed 238 pounds when she died of a heart attack at age 32. The rumor that she choked to death on a ham sandwich is an urban legend.

1979: The Facts of Life Debuts on NBC. You take the good, you take the bad, you take a bucket of fried chicken and then you have ... a light snack. Fatalie and the rest of the Eastland grads turned Edna's Edibles into the original Enron. The bakery's profits disappeared into thin air.

1990-91: Some of My Freshman Year Drunken Hookups in College. From what I remember.

2000 (approx.): FatChicksInPartyHats.com Debuts. This website has long been a controversial tribute to gleeful chunkmonsters. Its hate mail section boasts letters from "pissed fattys and/or homobutt humpers."

June 2003: Carnie Wilson Poses for Playboy. At 31, the former Wilson Phillips singer weighed over 300 pounds. Nevertheless, she told Playboy.com that she had always has a healthy sex life. After dropping 150 pounds due, in large part, to gastric bypass surgery, she got nekkid for the public and proclaimed, "I was never hornier in my fuckin' life."

2004: Missy Doty Plays Cammi in Sideways. Jack bet she was two tons of fun, and he was right. In an interview about her role, which was limited to being called a porker and getting boned by some white-trash-lookin' dude, she shared her father's tongue-in-cheek reaction to her work: "You were great, but I'm not going to tell any of my friends to see it."

2004: Lori Beth Denberg Plays Cheerleader Martha Johnstone in Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story. Two-four-six-eight; She'll show John Candy how to eat a steak. Among Denberg's other credits are playing Shirley House (no kidding) in 18 Fingers of Death! (chicken fingers?) and a role in Good Burger. You can't even make this stuff up.

2005: Huuuge Chick Claps Her Thighs in Internet Vid. This clip is Internet gold. Not only have we got a human hot-air balloon showing off "one of the advantages of having a bigger body type" by clapping her thighs, we've got a comment at the bottom of the page by a guy who goes by the name of ASSHAMMER. She also has two more vids out there.

Still Time to Bid on Cheese and Onion Penis Chip

Meg Whitman tops Fortune's list of the most powerful women in business for 2005, and it's hard to argue with that standing, considering the way her company has influenced the way we buy and sell just about everything, including cheese and onion penis chips.

It goes to show there's a market for everything. Well, maybe not this Ryan Leaf autographed 8x10 photo.

So, the next time you sit down for a snack, don't just keep track of calories, count the sales opportunities, as well, should you come across a nacho cheese titty, a salt and vinegar scrotum or a barbecue labia.

And don't forget to thank Meg Whitman. She's one powerful bitch!

Today's Web Finds:

• Schwarzenneger Street — Come meet the people in Arnie's neighborhood, including Bush Bird, Ken von Lay the Miscount, Rover, Cheney Monster, O'Reilly the Grouch and the talking heads at Faux News. Really funny Flash production. (Thanks, Rachel)

• Cat Butt Magnet Set — Nothing adds a little TLC to an apartment like a refrigerator adorned with an assortment of feline asses.

• Interview With Actress Missy Doty — Who's Missy Doty? She's the waitress in Sideways who had two scenes: getting called "two tons of fun" in the restaurant by Jack and having her fat ass fucked by her husband when Miles retrieves Jack's wallet. Talk about a role you can't turn down! She comes off really cool in the interview, in which she says in took two days to film the bedroom scene (what?!), that her mom was on the set for it and that dad was proud of her.

• Video: Chick Strips Topless at Halfcourt During Basketball Timeout — I don't know what's going on here. Looks like some Turkish league or something, and this chick runs around topless and nobody seems to give a crap.

• The Urination Funnel for Women — "Avoid those impossible acrobatic positions" with the Urinelle, a contraption you pee in standing up. Can't wait to see when they come out with the Dumpelle. (Thanks, Shopper Girl)

• David Letterman's new Halloween Costumes — (Click 10/26 video link.) Old, I know, but you can't beat kids dressed ridiculously and getting rewarded with such treats as a four-pack of Red Bull. (Thanks, Pee Wee)

• Yahoo! Games: Miller Beer Run — Battle the elements and overcome obstacles to get to the store and return home with Miller Lite.

• Listen to Many Police Scanners Live Online — "We've got an emergency down at the Dunkin' Donuts. They're out of crumpets."

• T-Shirt: Prevent Hairballs ... Shave a Pussy — What, no child size?

• Amazon Listmania! Softcore Movies With Great Lesbian Scenes — You know someone's got all of these on his wishlist, too. Who sits down to a computer to compile these things?

• How Much Is Your Blog Worth? — Based on the AOL-Weblogs Inc. deal, PaulKatcher.com is worth $70,002.96. Then again, AOL itself was once supposedly worth like $50 trillion to Time Warner, which basically bought a list of 25 million credit card numbers in the biggest blunder in business history. (Found on GorillaMask.net)

• Morton Downey Jr. 'Loudmouth' Board Game — Pablum pukers go directly to jail without passing go. If you don't like it, you can "zip it!"

• Greatest Internet Moments — Some great background info on such watershed moments as the Mahir "I Kiss You!" parodies.

Golden Geeks Get Set for Golden Tee Tournament

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Team USA vs. Team World in Golden Tee
• Dorks love the $1,700 paintball gun
• Hideki Matsui loves his porno collection
• Home and road opponents for NFL teams through 2009
• Whaddya think of these Nike Swoosh sideburns?
• The 20 most annoying fans at a baseball game
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Bonus Material:

What Do I Think of the Terrell Owens Situation? I've never wished so hard that a man get his leg broken in nine places, and that hasn't changed since he was in San Francisco, before he threw Jeff Garcia and the 49ers under a bus. My initial reaction to when he preened on the Dallas Cowboys' star was that I had never seen such a self-serving, me-first asshole in sports.

To see the public and the media allow him an inch, only to see him take a foot, time and time and time again, was a disgusting display of short-sightedness by anyone who ever watched Wayne Gretzky, Derek Jeter, Dr. J. or a number of athletes who managed to combine athleticism, championship-level performances and entertainment value.

I'm sickened by his continued defense that he's never been in trouble with the law, claiming that doesn't make him a bad person. Join the tens of millions who claim similarly clean blotters, assclown. Money and TDs can't buy you a clean rep if you're the poster boy for a classless human being.

This isn't Mike Tyson or Ron Artest or any other misguided fool. But a fool nonetheless.

NYC NFL Viewing Party: If you're in the PK.com football pool, a friend of mine, or just someone who likes to drink and watch football, an offer has been extended by Sean of MurphGuide.com to join us for one of his regular NFL viewing parties this Sunday, Nov. 13 at The Upper Deck at 305 E. 53rd St. (between First and Second Aves.) at 1 p.m. to see the Giants take on the Vikes. I'll be there no later than 2 p.m. and hope to root on the Jets against the Panthers, as well. (Hey, it would help the Giants.)

Photos: Top of the Rock

These pictures of a rushed sunset-hour trip to Rockefeller Center's newly re-opened Top of the Rock observatory deck are a bit dark, but what a nice way to get another 45 minutes of practice time working out my new Casio Exilim EX-Z750.

Most of my gallery of photos from the Top of the Rock were shot in "sunset" mode, one of 31 pre-set "scenes" that automate focus, saturation, shutter speed and more, depending on the situation. You'll notice the sunset part came out great; now I have to work on the rest.

Some notes on the Top of the Rock, whose entrance is on 50 Street between Fifth and Sixth Avenues:

• The cost is $15, after tax. Another perfectly affordable yet memorable New York City experience.

• Purchase tickets online or in-person, reserving a spot at the time you wish to be whisked to the 70th floor. A quick line at the Empire State Building is around 30 minutes, but my 3:55 p.m. ticket got me to the TOTR right around 4 p.m. Righteous stuff.

• The staff, which is in only its second week on the job, was really friendly. Overly friendly, 'round these parts. Felt like I was in a T.G.I. Friday's. God love that tourism trade.

• You're basically there to get two must-have pictures: the Empire State Building (which, of course, cannot be shot from the ESB itself) and Central Park, which looks a lot nicer from this deck as opposed to the 86th-floor observatory at 34 Street and Fifth Avenue.

Contrastly, the view of the Chrysler Building is almost completely blocked by the Met Life Building, and I couldn't see Bryant Park, both of which are staples of the Empire State Building view.

• Rudy Giuliani stood atop the Rockefeller Center observatory deck, when it was closed from 1986-2005, for a famous TIME magazine Person of the Year cover photo.

• Just like at the ESB, you're not allowed to take a pee from the edge.

Previously: My photos from the Empire State Building.

Photos: Bronx Zoo Visit and the 2005 NYC Marathon

Some thoughts and images from a trip to the Bronx Zoo on Friday and the New York City Marathon on Sunday:

Bronx Zoo:

• Did you know the Bronx Zoo is open 365 days a year? I don't know if you've heard, but animals don't celebrate religious holidays.

• Every time I mention the zoo to someone, they say, "Oh, I love the zoo and haven't been in forever." Well, go. The subway stops three blocks away, it's $8 in the autumn, and the fall colors are amazing over 265 acres.

• Again, it's eight friggin' dollars. Go for an hour, go for two, it's all good. You don't have to spend all day there to get your money's worth.

• A few things were closed, most notably the Bengali Express, most of the snack huts and the two easiest ways to get from one end of the park to another, Zoo Shuttle and Skyfari. Bring your walking shoes, of course.

• No camp kids in November! No camp kids in November! There were a bunch of class field trips, and kids are still the loudest animals on Earth, but it was so much more peaceful than when you're surrounded by endless groups of screaming boogers.

• Unfortunately, this time I didn't see a monkey yank his crank in front of clueless kids, something I observed once and will never forget, along with the time that elephant took a dump when I was 8 and scarred me for life.

• Why these animals don't just fuck 24 hours a day I have no idea. They look so friggin' bored. What must life be like when the park closes each night and there's nobody shoving a camera in their face while they scratch their asses?

• The zoo's official site has a list of top 10 tips for your visit. Some good information there.

• Photo Gallery: Nothing too fantastic, 'cept maybe that mom carrying her child through the mist in the Congo Gorilla Forest. A couple just show off the brilliant fall colors.

New York City Marathon:

• Congrats to all the finishers. They set a goal in 2005 and accomplished it. And that goal was to almost kill themselves.

• Earlier this year, I drove my car through all five NYC boroughs. It was overrated. I knew that day I'd never run a marathon.

• Let's get creative, New York. Instead of running 26.2 miles every year, let's come up with new ways for tens of thousands of people to torture themselves at once. Like doing 10,000 squat thrusts in 2006, holding a yoga position for an hour in 2007, and carrying a sack of potatoes up 1,500 stairs in 2008.

• Seriously, marathon day is on the short list of every New Yorker's favorite days of the year. It's inspiring, international, civil and a ton of fun.

• Photo Gallery: Again, nothing great. I didn't work hard enough at staking out a good spot. Plus, there was football to watch, beer to drink and I was starving.

Today's new York Links:

• Jeff Cooper C.A.R.E. Foundation NYC Fall Fundraiser — Got an e-mail last week about this event on Nov. 12 from a friend of Jeff Cooper, a former PK.com reader who died of cardiomyopathy, a disease of the heart muscle. Cheers to his mates and family for doing good in his name, with a foundation dedicated to cardiac awareness, research, and education.

• Marc S. Zeplin Foundation's Annual Springsteen Tribute Show — Tramps Like Us, the ultimate Bruce Springsteen tribute band, is back at the Lion's Den on Nov. 19, to benefit the foundation in the name of a father of two young boys who lost his life on 9/11. I go every year to this show, and I plan to be there again.

• Is New York Worth a Trip? Oui — The New York Times on the release of Michelin's highly anticipated restaurant ratings for New York City. Four places that I'd probably like less than White Castle got the highest ranking, three stars. By comparison, 10 restaurants in Paris, and one in London, also boast three stars.

• Dining Like Sardines — A Village Voice article on etiquette for the most cramped restaurants.

• Flickr Photos Tagged 'nycmarathon' — Sorted by most interesting. Wouldn't you hate to be the guy who shot the ones ranked least interesting of the almost 700 photos (at PK.com pub time)?

• New York City Porn Scene Giving L.A. Run For its Money — I didn't actually read this Time Out New York cover story, but it's about porn, so I figure it's a good link.

Your Guide to the New York City Subway System

Last week, my buddy and former coworker Pat of Stacked dedicated part of his Bullet Pointz XXXIII entry to those occasions when you step into a subway car, see an array of empty seats, think you're golden, then understand the vacancy is due to a guy who "smelled like a 30-gallon bag of asses" that no one wants to get near.

I've been there, man. And I've run into these situations and people, as well:

• The "Sick Customer." Have you ever heard the term "sick customer?" If you're from New York, you definitely have. You're sitting on a train, stalled till kingdom come, thinking some Saudi just donated his mangled organs to science, when the conductor comes on the mic and says, "We are being held in the station because of a sick customer at 125 Street." What the fuck?! Just throw the motherfucker off the train and let's get moving!

• The Guy Who Sells the Homeless Newspaper. Like I'm gonna pay $1 to learn whether Rodney beat Joe in a best-of-five, winner-take-Fritos-bag checkers tourney at Washington Square Park.

• The Entertainer Who "Doesn't Mean to Disturb" Us, but Does. Alyssa Milano can give BJs to the entire 1 line, and I still won't ever reward anyone who preys upon a captive audience.

• The Guys Who Are Doing "Something Positive" By Singing in Subway Cars. They're not just begging for money, they say, they're working for it. By making your ears bleed with the worst rendition of Banana Boat you ever heard. Their optimism is a product, evidently, of Kevin Federline's rap career.

• Those Times When the Subway Rolls Up Right When You Reach the Platform AND You Get a Seat. It's like your personal metal chauffeur. No one ever dismisses this as luck. You look around at the fellow riders and think, "How long did you fuckers wait for the train? Like a minute and a half? Dicks."

• Those Times When You Wait Forever AND It's So Crowded You Can't Get On. I don't know what the world record is for this, but I think my personal best/worst is three trains. Something is majorly fucked, the platform is packed, you have no idea what's going on because the p.a. system sounds like the teacher from Peanuts. Then the train rolls in, you're like, "No fucking way am I not getting on this bitch." Then you see people's faces pressed against the glass like a stampede at a British soccer match, you hang around the door hoping someone will move two steps in, but they're all like, "Wait for the next one, shitbrick."

• Those Dudes Who Cherish the Spots Next to the Door. I've ridden the York City subway system almost daily for a decade and I've seen maybe two instances where someone missed getting off the train because they weren't close enough to the door. By contrast, I've seen five million asshats squat their claim to being one inch from the door for no purpose other than to block people from being comfortable. I always shoot for the middle of the car. The reason is two-fold: There's always more elbow room there, and you're closer to the seats that will soon open up.

• The Guy Who Won't Close His Legs. Nothing says genius like the man who takes up two seats with his legs AND spends 90% of his disposable income on the latest hip-hop fashion trends. Hey, anyone seen a $250 Lance Allworth jersey lately? I can show you plenty of guys in the Bronx who have one.

• The Scandinavian Family. I love NYC tourists, really do. I'm flattered so many people travel the globe to experience what I'm lucky enough to do every day. But I, like everyone else, see these blonde-haired Griswolds enter a subway car without grabbing on to a pole and flat-out pray they all end up on their asses. Has anyone ever advised them to grab a rail, even though the car hasn't left the station yet? No, because we wanna see at least three of them bite the floor.

• The Trash Car. The arrival of this loathsome, yellow kick in the nuts comes only at the most inopportune time, when you're sitting at Spring Street with a hundred other wastoids at 4 a.m. on a Sunday morning. Yeah, saving $15 on that cab ride uptown seems like a good idea when those two lights come down the tunnel. Then you see a piss-colored flatbed of rubbish and you give up all hope by sprawling out on the ground and leaning your head against some disgusting pole.

• The Guy Who Talks to Himself. If not for the subway system, I don't know if I'd have ever come across people who not only have conversations with themselves, but conduct knock-down, drag-'em-out arguments. Most amazing to me is how quickly they can switch topics. For example: "So then the guy tries to give me the blue one, and I say, 'I asked for the fucking red one, motherfucker.!'... No fucking way I'm getting on a plane right now. No fucking way! ... Yo, look, that's the most important thing. Never forget it. These fucking guys right here have no idea."

• The Asian Dude Selling All Kinds of Flashing Shit for $1. I don't know what kind of money you can make selling illuminating yo-yos for $1 on the 4-train, but someone's willing to find out. They're always selling flashing-light yo-yos and little dogs and space ships. Hell, if someone made a model of Laura Bush's vagina flashing in six different colors a second, these guys would sell it to ya for $1.

Related:

• Subway Etiquette Post on Craig's List — Similar rants.

• My NYC Transit Museum Photos — Cool-ass place if you don't mind the trip out to the country (a.k.a. Brooklyn).

• NYC Subway Map — I refer to this route map all the time.

Full Discloure: ZO2 Bassist/Singer David Z.

When out-of-towners e-mail me about what they should do on their trips to New York, I advise them to go kick the Naked Cowboy in the nuts. He loves that.

No, I invariably tell them to check out the music dens downtown. Don't sit next to Joe Nascar at the Times Square Olive Garden when you can immerse yourself into a aural and visual scene that's authentic New York, a sensory overload of attitude, fashion and fun. And maybe some coke, if you run into Matt Dillon in a bathroom.

One band I always tell people to look out for is ZO2, a rock trio that toured with KISS and Poison in 2004 and has been performing regular Monday night gigs at Arlene's Grocery, prior to the venue's hugely popular Rock 'n' Roll Karaoke.

As a play-at-home guitarist with full acknowledgement of my limitations, I'm gonna have to pin my rock-star dreams on ZO2 and root from the sidelines, albeit with a clear view of these guys' drive, professionalism, sincerity and, most of all, talent.

I posed a dozen questions to bassist and co-lead singer David Z. about climbing the music-biz ladder, the effect of the Internet on the music industry and, of course, groupies.

1. Write a 30-second radio ad for the next ZO2 gig. You will be graded.
You've seen them on the VH1 Rock The Nation tour with KISS and Poison and now you can see them in their hometown of New York City. See them perform live every Monday night at Arlene's Grocery. Admission is free so come on down. For more information check out ZO2.com.
(Grade: B)

2. Besides not having to share your future fortune with another guitarist, why did you limit the band to just three members?
We felt that the ZO2 sound was big enough as a trio and we didn't want to clutter it with a second guitarist. If you think about it, most bands really are just a trio with a singer. We've always admired power trios that could deliver the goods such as Grand Funk Railroad and Rush. Plus, the decision-making process becomes a lot easier with fewer members.

3. I'll ask it, because it's the law in any rock interview. Who are some of your musical influences?
KISS, Led Zeppelin, Rush.

4. How much work goes into really trying to make it big in this biz? What's a typical month like for you guys?
I would venture to say that this is the hardest business to make it in, in that there are no rules, steps or guidelines in what it takes to "make it." Bands have "made it" in some of the craziest of circumstances. That being said, there really is no such thing as a typical month or even day for that matter. It can range from playing shows, to promoting at other shows, to doing interviews, to keeping up the website and so on and so on. The only thing typical about everything that happens is the hard work and dedication it takes to do it all.

5. What are some ways you think the Internet has changed the music industry?
It has made music, as a whole, more accessible to people. Unfortunately, sometimes it's at the expense of the artists. As we all know, music is readily available online and can easily be downloaded for free. This does, in fact, get the music out there and heard by more people but, at the same time, it diminishes record sales and, consequently, a part of an artist's livelihood. For a band in our position, though, the Internet is a key ingredient in helping push the band. Something as simple as an e-mail list has revolutionized the way in which bands can promote their shows. I can't begin to imagine how tedious and expensive it would've been using snail mail to individually mail flyers to every single person on your mailing list. Internet promotion is a bit of a paradox in that you rely on it when you're up-and-coming to spread the word and music, but once you've reached the level where you¹re actually making a living off it, pirated music becomes the very thing that can halt the band's progress.

6. When you scored a gig as the opening act for a tour with KISS and Poison, were you more excited about the money or the pussy?
What money? It's always about the pussy!

7. Who gets more ass: KISS, Poison or ZO2? And, after you tell us ZO2, compare the groupies for KISS and Poison.
Well, you've sort of answered your own question. And as far as a comparison goes, we can't kiss and tell on their behalf.

8. Are you flattered that Tuesdays and Thursdays is one of maybe six albums I've actually paid money for in the last five years?
We're always flattered when someone is into our music. The fact that we're one of only six tells us you either really like the band or writing these articles isn't fully paying the bills. ;)

9. Do you think great musicians are born, learned or a combination? In other words, how much of a person's musical talent do you attribute to a sort of gift, and how much is hard work?
I believe that music is a gift that needs to be nurtured. Like any other gift that someone's born with, it needs to be worked on in order for it to fully blossom. Granted, anyone could learn the notes of a scale and how to play notes on an instrument but, in my opinion, that's far from the underlying characteristic that makes a musician. Musical ability can be learned, but musical talent cannot. Anyone can learn music, but not everyone can be musical.

10. Ever been to a Turkish prison?
Once, and it hurt like hell.

11. Where can PK.com readers experience your music, both online and in person?
ZO2.com is the Grand Central Station for all ZO2 information. It's packed with music downloads, videos, pictures and show information.

12. 2005 is slowly drawing to a close. What does ZO2 hope to accomplish by the end of 2006?
TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

Paul's Recap: Thanks a ton to David Z. for illuminating a bit of what it's like to be an aspiring rock star — one with a real shot, not a hack like me who can't even remember the chord progression for American Pie.

Keep checking ZO2's show information to see when they'll be playing in the area next. I believe David will be touring with the Trans-Siberian Orchestra through the holidays, so you might have to wait till January 2006.

Lee Corso Is a Penis, and Other Sports Links

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• ESPN GameDay Gets Pwned By Sign
• Charles Barkley on Cookie Season
• Video: Dennis Rodman Meets Immovable Object
• Video: Two Cardinals Fan Pussies Crying
• Stats: Lubbock, Texas Is a Craphole
• Stats: L.T. Better Than All Four Jets QBs Combined
• Video: Top Ten Bobby Knight Sound Bites
• Theo Epstein Keychains on eBay
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Well, at Least I Never Died After Having Sex With a Horse

My readers sure know how to cheer me up after this past weekend's lost-digicam tragedy.

Take, for example, Melissa, who e-mailed me this story from the Seattle Times. Here's one of the greatest leads to ever appear in a major newspaper:

An Enumclaw-area man who authorities say helped run a farm where people had sex with animals — and where a Seattle man died doing so with a horse — was charged with a misdemeanor yesterday.

Yep, that's people, not person. Yep, that says misdemeanor. Ya see, Washington is one of more than a dozen states that doesn't outlaw bestiality. But you probably already knew that.

Yep, there was a home video. Yep, some some lucky chap at the local precinct was assigned the duty of investigating. "Hey, Miller, watch this video of a horse fucking a dude and see if you recognize the barn."

Another great e-mail came from Kirk, who shared with me this picture from his Halloween weekend as Kid Rock. Now there's a guy who would kill himself if he lost his camera.

And an update on that fiasco. It's clear I wasn't the only drunk idiot to lose a camera in a cab Saturday night. Craig's List's lost-and-found is littered with posts from people who ended up dropping hundreds of dollars on a 10-buck ride home.

I never thought I got the Canon SD500 to work magic, struggled with action shots at ballgames, so I researched quite a bit and bought the comparable Casio Exilim EX-Z750 for $339 with no tax and free shipping. I'll save my trip to the Top of the Rock for when it arrives and post some photos here.

Today's News Links:

• OpenOffice 2.0 Released — A free, downloadable suite of tools that are compatible in opening and viewing Microsoft Office documents, whether it's a PowerPoint presentation, Excel file or Word document. That's why when Dell gives you the option of spending extra money on Word et. al when configuring a new computer, you say no.

• Denver Group Urges You to "Protect our Children" by Legalizing Marijuana — A supporter of the group called Change the Climate says, "If an individual chose to use marijuana instead of alcohol and it happened to lead him to not beat his wife, I would say that's a success." Well, if picked his ass and ate chocolate-covered shards of glass all day, he'd probably be distracted from beating his wife, too, but the word "success" wouldn't come to mind.

• Squirrels Go Nuts on Crack — They might wanna get a job at that Washington farm to support their habit.

• London Boasts England's Only Nude Dance Club — The DJ's not the only one sporting two turntables and a microphone. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• Bush To Nominate Next Person Who Walks Through Door — A brief from The Onion.

• Penis Size Used as Defense in Trial — A man claims his 8½-inch one-eyed trouser snake (in semi-relaxed state) would have caused tearing in a college student who's accused him of sexual assualt. (Found on Double Viking)