PaulKatcher.com

It Was the Best of Times. It Was the Worst of Times

The first three nights of Halloween 2005 were so much fun. I love Halloween, as does every other person under age 12 and past 18.

But, I lost my camera Saturday night, somewhere between the last bar and the cab ride home, circa 4 a.m.-4:30 a.m.

Sucks so bad I don't even want to think about it. Let's pretend it never happened.

Here are a few pics from Friday night, featuring me as The Donald. Total cost: $0, after trimming last year's mullet wig. Oh, until you add in the $500 for the camera and media card, plus all the lost pics from Saturday. Never remind me of this.

And you wonder why I never wear a suit, except for when someone dies or gets married, which is pretty much the same thing. Fucking side pockets.

Help Me Decide on a Halloween Costume

In typical fashion for me, I'm hours away from a zillion Halloween parties this weekend (in New York and not Key West, unfortunately), and I'm unprepared. And so I need your help selecting a costume idea.

Criteria for a good costume for me is as follows:

• The idea must be funny. Any asshat can dress like a regular construction worker or judge and people are like, "whatever." I want something that people either figure out immediately and crack up, or they have to ask you about it and then crack up. That's why I'm thinking of giong as Todd Bridges as a trapeze performer on Battle of the Network Stars, which I saw recently on one of those I Love the '80s shows.

• It must be cheap. Yeah, I can plunk down $150 for a Darth Vader costume, but then I'd have to kill myself. I can go as Alex Rodriguez, wear my own Yankees jersey and hat, and spend just $10 on a tube of purple lipstick.

• It must be easy to put on and take off. You think I'm gonna hail a cab and freeze my my nuts off dressed as Richard Simmons? Well, I might, but first I have to find a place that sells sequin tank-tops and peenie shorts. An easier call would be to sport a white garbage bag, go as white trash, put the damn thing on in an elevator and rip it off when I'm done.

• It must not impede at all with my goal to get drunk as fuck. Masks are completely out.

• It must not impede at all with my goal to hit on the slutty chicks who've helped turn Halloween from a night of fright to one rife with eye-candy. Big ups to them. So cross off any disgusting-looking ghoul.

• It must be wearable for at least three nights. with the potential to dress up Friday, Saturday and Monday, I'm not gonna spend an hour getting prepared each time. I can scribble Speaker City on a red polo shirt and go as Beanie Campbell from Old School. I guess I can also arrive naked and be Frank "The Tank" Ricard.

So, whatcha got?

Scroll down about 3/4 of the way down Bill Simmons' latest mailbag for his hilarious takes on Halloween costumes.

In other news, a woman found hanging from a tree was mistaken for a Halloween decoration.

The World Seriezzzzzz, and Other Sports Ruminations

Wow, that was a World Series for the ages, wasn't it? And by that I mean the Dark Ages.

It was nice of everyone to honor the Dead Ball Era like that. Some thoughts on what we saw (or didn't, if you go by the TV ratings):

• Houston can now go back to doing what it does best. Instead of vying for baseball supremacy against Chicago, it can return to battling the likes of Philadelphia and Detroit for the title of Fattest City in America.

• It's one thing to have a low-scoring series defined by dominating pitching. Guys like Bob Gibson, Sandy Koufax, Jack Morris and Randy Johnson cementing their legends in the October chill. It's another thing when you're calling the cops on these hitters for impersonating major-leaguers. I saw Matt Damon fail to get the ball of of the infield at the celebrity Home Run Derby at the 1999 All-Star Game at Fenway Park, and I think he could have batted seventh for the Astros.

• Instead of being astonished at how the Astros were shut out in nine of Roger Clemens' 32 regular-season starts in 2005, I'm wondering how they scored at all in the other 23.

• With the White Sox holding a 1-0 lead and facing a man on second with one out in the bottom of the eighth inning of Game 4, Ozzie Guillen elected to intentionally walk Lance Berkman to get to Morgan Ensberg. He put the potential go-ahead run on base with one out to face the Astros' clean-up hitter, who batted .111 for the series. That right there defined the World Seriezzzzzz.

• Overheard in the FOX booth after the game: "We paid how much for the rights to broadcast that shit?"

• When FOX went to shots of that Chicago bar during the ninth inning of Game 4, I couldn't help thinking, "Oh, so that's where the 24 White Sox fans are hanging out tonight." Feel free to show some emotion, people. With one out to go, they looked as anxious as I am in the fifth inning of a Yanks-Royals affair in May. Did they think the series was best-of-nine?

• How much does it suck to be a Cubs fan right now? First the whole Bartman thing, then the tarnishing of the entire Sammy Sosa era, then the Red Sux beat them to the curse-busting punch, and now they have to take shit from fans of the White Sox, whose greatest moments in history include a most infamous gambling scandal, outfielder Al Smith having an entire beer dumped on him in the 1959 World Series, some ugly ass uniforms (with shorts!), the doomed Disco Demolition Night, Lamar Hoyt's cocaine use and the building of the worst modern ballpark in all of sports.

• Who did Barbara Bush have to blow to get those choice seats? I guess her husband. After the game, son Dubya presented the Astros with a "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" banner.

• Besides guys who couldn't hit a beach ball off a tee, this series lacked a villain. So A.J. Pierzynski ticks people off by running across the mound after making an out. Have you noticed he makes outs a lot, batting .257 with 23 walks in 2005? That's like hating a third-option wide receiver because he celebrated after converting two first downs all year. Damn you, Ricky Proehl!

• Thank god for FOX's animated pitching instructor, Scooter, or else I don't think anyone would be able to figure out what a curveball does.

• Who had money on Brad Lidge going 0-3 in the postseason? Wow. That's why I thought people who placed Eric Gagne over Mariano Rivera as the game's best closer needed to see Danny Bonaduce's shrink. Let those guys pitch over 111 postseason innings, with an 0.81 ERA, and then we can have a discussion.

• I love how people bash the Yanks for "letting" Andy Pettitte leave. We didn't offer enough money, they say. But when other players switch teams for money — like, um, that A-Rod guy and a zillion others — they get crucified. Or maybe Andy just wanted to pitch for Houston no matter what, in which case we couldn't do anything about it.

Other Sports Thoughts:

• Screw Air Force athletic director Hans Mueh for saying football coach Fisher DeBerry made a "seriously, seriously inappropriate comment" when he said, "Afro-American kids can run very well. That doesn't mean that Caucasian kids and other descents can't run, but it's very obvious to me that they run extremely well."

This stuff drives me nuts. People not only pretending the elephant isn't sitting in the living room, but reprimanding those who note the obvious.

The last time a white running back led either the AFC or NFC in rushing was Oakland's Mark van Eeghen in 1977. The last white wide receiver to lead the AFC or NFC in receptions was San Francisco's Dwight Clark in 1982.

White kids make up a certain percentage of starting cornerbacks, tailbacks and wide receivers in high school. They make up a far smaller percentage of those starters on the major college level, and have almost no representation in the NFL.

Now you tell me what the explanation is. It's not that whites don't try to move up a level at those positions; I seriously doubt they're all getting outworked to the point of self-inflicted extinction. It's not racism; coaches ain't keeping the white man down as they may have with black quarterbacks in the past. So, until proven wrong, I'm going to believe the reasoning for such a statistically significant differential between the races is physiological.

And I'm open to alternative viewpoints. Too bad no one in mainstream media is allowed to talk about it.

• When I read that WNBA star Sheryl Swoopes was gay, I was as shocked as that time a Wall Street guy told me he did coke. In all seriousness, may all the people who contribute to a culture where law-abiding homosexuals have to think twice about being open find their peace in heaven and a nice view of Peter, Paul and the rest of the Apostles fucking each other in the ass.

• The Internet needs more pictures of ESPN reporter Colleen Dominguez. Damn she's hot.

• I love those commercials selling the Ripken brothers' baseball instructional DVDs. The announcer boasts their 33 years of combined experience at the highest level. What he doesn't tell you is that Cal Ripken is a first-ballot Hall of Fame icon, while Billy Ripken is most famous for being pictured on a 1989 Fleer baseball card holding a bat with the words "Fuck Face" on the knob.

Someone wanna check these stats and tell me how Billy lasted a dozen seasons in the majors in the first place?

• All this love for Jerome Bettis (stats) these days. I'm a big Bus guy, really, but isn't Curtis Martin (stats) an equally durable yet more complete back who's racked up better stats for plenty of playoffs teams in two less seasons than Bettis?

• Syracuse hoops recruit Eric Devendorf was recently voted on media day to be the Big East's Preseason Rookie of the Year. Is there a more pointless distinction in all of sports? "Yeah, we haven't seen you play a minute of college ball yet, but congratulations on your award!"

• If I ran in a marathon, the front of my T-shirt would read, "Go CZUTHAYCH Go!" just to watch people try to pronounce that name while cheering me on.

• Did anyone actually read the entirety of this post?

Hulk Hogan Makes a Fashion Statement

Wednesday's writings, on the ninth anniversary of the Yankees' 1996 World Series victory, can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Hogan Knows Best, but Not About Fashion
• Kornerko Grand-Slam Ball in Limbo
• Doug Mientkiewicz Burns More Bridges
• Cheap Seats Host's IMDB Page
• How Teams Celebrate Championships
• Video: Man's Face Gets Owned by Volleyball Spike
• The Day Ron Artest Knew He Wanted to Be an NBA Star
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Tonight's Special: One Disgruntled Photo Hound

How clueless do you have to be to not recognize that soliciting an A-list celeb's photo or autograph at a restaurant is a signal to the entire dining room that he's available for requests for the next hour and a half?

This clueless.

According to the woman pictured:

• She approached Alex Rodriguez for a photo at dinner
• His wife and friends "huffed and puffed"
• He reluctantly complied
• Her friend asked if he was an asshole
• She said yes, loud enough for A-Rod to hear
• A-Rod flipped her friend the bird

And now she's pissed. Sending out an e-mail to a celeb gossip site to expose this indignity.

Know your role, lady. You're not the only one who wanted a photo or an autograph or to have him say hi to your niece on the cell. But you're the only one who thought he wasn't entitled to have dinner without doing those things. For everyone. Or are you just special?

Short of turning every meal into an impromptu autograph session, there's no way these guys can win. Just leave 'em the hell alone and let them be human.

Today's Web Finds:

• The Daily Show Rips on Bush's Staged Conference Call With Troops — What a goofball. The segment was also spoofed on Saturday Night Live.

• The Most Painful True Story on Snopes.com — Talk about a guy who loves his job. The claim, said to be true: "A masturbating machine-shop worker catches his scrotum in a piece of machinery and tears it open, then staples it back together and resumes work before finally visiting a doctor three days later." (Thanks, Pee Wee)

• The Bill Gates Net Worth Page — Interesting tid-bits on the Microsoft booty, like the fact his net worth has jumped $3.8 million each day since March 13, 1986. (Thanks, Roy)

• Hog's Breath Saloon's Homemade Bikini Contest 2004 — Fantasy Fest 2005 is gasping for air. I think I'm gonna cry.

• JustFuckingGoogleIt.com — I know I've linked to this before, but if I get asked another question that someone could find an answer to on his own in five seconds....

• Dane Cook Soundboard — All from the Harmful if Swallowed album, which I like a lot better than Retaliation. "What about that whole middle ground, where you're an IDIOT?"

• Sex By RSS — I still don't know to configure an RSS reader, or if I even need one, but if you do here's your chance to choose between such feeds as doggystyle, shaven, secretary and more. Might be the toughest decision of the day for a lot of you.

• Spur-M Sperm Pills — Learned about this drug through spam mail, which can be wildly entertaining if you give it a shot. Anyway, these pills give you "up to 500% more volume" on your load. "Cover her in it if you want," the product says. Yeah, if you want. Might want to ask your lady how she feels about it first before dropping the XXXXXL tsunami.

• The Budd Dwyer Show — Lyrics and guitar chords to the song about the Pennsylvania state treasurer who killed himself with a .357 magnum on live TV in 1987. I'm a sure it's an uplifting diddy.

• TIME's List of 100 All-Time Novels — Again, they go the pussy route and don't rank 'em, but it's a cool package, with links to original reviews from the mag, like this 1925 write-up on The Great Gatsby. Who was, as Thornton Melon told us, great.

• Bar Trick: Ups and Downs — All you need is three shots glasses or empty cups and one totally smashed sucker. Works like a charm, over and over.

Photos: Mondo Porno Party at Arlene's Grocery

A giant, stuffed penis. A human sundae. Flying porn DVDs. A loli-cock licking contest. An impromptu pool party, complete with baby oil and confetti. Audience members stripping on stage. Rockin' out to such songs as 38-D, Two-Minute Fuck and Naked, performed by Erocktica and other bands. And everyone wearing a smile, if not much else.

It could only mean one thing: a Mondo Porno party, held last Friday at Arlene's Grocery in NYC.

View my pictures from the event. The password is: mondo. These images are not safe for work, as if I give a shit about your job.

People always ask me, "How do you find out about these things?" Basically, keep your eyes open. You never know when $10 can get you into a party that's equal parts rock 'n' roll, smut and $4 beers. If that's what you're into. If not, have your fun and we will, too.

Where else could you mosey up the bar and have to protect yourself from the multitude of porn DVDs flying through the crowd? Some hit the stage lights. One crashed into a couple of newly poured pints on the bar, almost smashing the glasses. And one soared in my direction, where I made a perfect, one-handed snag of the classic flick Vacuum Hoes 3, which clears up all the unanswered questions from the first two installments.

Sorta related, College Humor's link to perhaps the greatest porn title ever: Cum on My Retainer and I'll Put it Back in My Mouth. Holy Christ!

In conclusion, I echo the sentiments of Erocktica singer and star performer Pink Snow: never give up the fight to do whatever you want to do. To paraphrase the queen of fun, "If you wanna fuck or suck or be a lawyer or a politician, never allow the government to chisel away at your right to do it." Rock on.

Key West Condo Space Available Again for Fantasy Fest

Don't laugh, we're not heading down till after the storm passes, but our Saturday-Saturday Fantasy Fest trip has now turned into a Wednesday-Tuesday affair. Hey, at least we pick up Saturday night and Halloween down there.

Thanks to two pussies in our group of five bailing on the re-booking because they're afraid the festival won't be fun anymore (what?), I again have space available for 1-2 people as detailed in this previous post.

If you or someone you know is interested, shoot me a note. You can't beat $350 for six nights down there this week.

Bank Shots: My Locks for NFL Week 7

Welcome to the Jack Kevorkian version of Bank Shots. After an 0-3 Week 6, I'm ready to pull the plug on this bitch.

Let's recap my picks last week: The Vikings blew their load on the S.S. Floating Chicken Ranch and got bent over by the Bears. The Patriots dropped to 0-2 for me in 2005, after I pimped their invincibility against the Broncos. And the Steelers' Tommy Maddox threw the game away, literally, against the Jags, who sport a defense better than any he saw in the XFL.

This week, I vow to turn things around. Anything less than a 2-1 record, and you won't see another pick till the playoffs. Sorry for those who are smartly betting against me.

Here are the bets I think are strongest among the Week 7 lines.

(Home teams in CAPS)

Packers (-2) over VIKINGS
Last week I was on the Vikings' jock like a stripper with floaties. But they gave me sea sickness, and so I'm going with the Packers, who actually play with pride and have had two weeks to prepare for these bums after destroying the Saints, 52-3, in Week 5.

49ers (+12½) over REDSKINS
When the Colts were in San Fran a couple of weeks ago, they were giving only two points more than the Redskins, who many agree could just as easily be 0-5 as they are 3-2. They've played a tough schedule, but only bankable teams should be laying almost two touchdowns in the NFL.

This pick might be stronger if I were more confident in the 49ers scoring more than three points.

FALCONS (-7) over Jets
What are the odds of Al Michaels making this statement with about two minutes left in the fourth quarter Monday night?

"Well, the Jets played their hearts out tonight, but that touchdown run by Michael Vick makes it a two-possession lead for the Falcons, and that should pretty much wrap it up."

I'd say about 4,000 percent.

Last Week: 0-3
Season: 7-11

Please post your own best bets in the comments section.

Hey, Everybody, it's Mondo Porno Party Time Again!

It's not too often you post pictures of a chick naked on the Internet and she e-mails you to make sure you attend her next party.

That's why I love Pink Snow of Erocktica, my favorite "anti-censorship, erotic, theatrical, musical, free-expression, rock extravaganza." While I was receiving nothing but bad news from Wilma, that stormy cunt threatening to ruin my Fantasy Fest experience next week in Key West, Pink was kind enough to remind me about yet another Mondo Porno Party slated for Friday night, Oct. 21, at Arlene's Grocery.

What is a Mondo Porno Party? Nothing short of filthy rock bands, burlesque babes, dirty DJs and free smut. In other words, just the thing I'm gonna need Friday night to take my mind off the weather that'll likely cancel my flight to Florida on Saturday morning.

Erocktica goes on at 11:30 p.m. Dress as your favorite ghoul, or come normal as a pervert. Either way, bring a camera and your disdain for prudes.

• Pics from the last NYC Mondo Porno Party (Passowrd is: mondo)
• Pics of Erocktica at Pussycat Lounge (Passowrd is: erocktica)
• Pics of Erocktica at Don Hill's (Passowrd is: erocktica)

Other New York Links:

• 350-Square-Foot Studio Sells for $475,000 in My Neighborhood — Link goes to apartments for sale and recently closed at the Ansonia, the landmark building a couple of blocks from my apartment that Babe Ruth made his first home in New York. It's nice and all, but almost half a mil for 350 square feet? The Babe took dumps bigger than that. In fairness, it is a close walk to Gray's Papaya hot dogs and probably was bought for someone's housekeeper or chauffeur.

• New York is America's Priciest City, By Far — Well, no shit, after seeing the previous link, but I thought San Francisco would have been a stronger No. 2. Then again, look at the price of middle relievers around here. Steve Karsay (6), Mike Stanton (4) and Paul Quantrill (3) combined to make $13 million for the Yankees in 2005, while pitching a total of 52 innings and all with ERAs of 6.00 or higher. Holy crap.

• New Yorker's Travelogue of 1,000 bars in One Year — A really great blog, as each entry stands as a serviceable review with nice pics.

• Nightmare: New York's Original Haunted House — If you wanna be scared to death, bang a Lincoln Tunnel hooker and wait till you sober up. Or go here. (Thanks, Alicea)

• Gotham Girls Roller Derby Tryouts — You've got till Nov. 21 to lace up those skates and throw some elbows.

• Dude Selling Collection of Hundreds of Video Games on Craig's List — With pics of the lair that no doubt has never been visited by a woman.

• Photos: Kermit Visits New York — The dude loves dem pigs, but he's still cool. Fun pics of my favorite frog riding in cabs, subways and atop the Empire State Building.

• Audio: The L-Train Is All Fucked Up — Frustration turned into song. "I wanna get drunk in the city tonight, but the L-Train is all fucked up."

• Top of the Rock to Open Nov. 1 — Can't wait for the Rockefeller Center observation deck, 70 stories above ground, to open up. Supposed to be 20 feet wide, more than double that of the Empire State Building.

• Manhattan Residence on Market for $55 Million — The online listing of the five-story limestone mansion comes with a costs calculator to see if you can afford it. Which is probably no, unless you play center for the Miami Heat, have starred in War of the Worlds, host the Oprah Winfrey Show, are named Howard Stern or are a Wall Street scumbag.

Good Old Lovin' at the NLCS

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Bush 41 gets some action at Astros game
• Norman Chad skewers Two For the Money
• Blitz: The League garners favorable reviews
• Larry Holmes to appear on VH1 singing contest
• Adrian Balboa outlived by brother Paulie
• Predicted destinations for MLB's top-50 free agents
• College championship throwback T-shirts
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Kneel Before 2008 Presidential Candidate General Zod

If you're like me, you're looking forward to the 2008 election and the end of Dick Cheney's run as president. When the Curse of Dubya is lifted and the Yanks win World Series like they did four times in the Clinton era, we'll know this country is back on track.

And I know just the man for the job: General Zod.

You remember him as the 150-pound beanpole who was supposed to be some kind of bad-ass in Superman II, even though Christopher Reeve could have laid the smacketh-down on his candy-ass while sitting in a wheelchair with 100 pounds of kryptonite in his lap and a flat tire.

According to the General Zod 2008 website, he's already kicked off his campaign in Philly — a city once defined by Maxim as a glorified piss-break between New York and Washington D.C. — by promising to lower taxes and gas prices in return for giving him our homes, possessions and very lives. Sounds like a fair deal to me.

He also shares his thoughts on ending the war in Iraq, making health care available universally and initiating corporate reform. Should he make it to the White House, there will no doubt be a sitcom that, decades from now, will lament in song, "Seems to me we could use a man like General Zod again."

More General Zod Links:

• Where Are They Now? General Zod
• GeneralZod.net: News, Media, Merchandise
• Kneel Before His Wikipedia Entry

Today's Web Finds:

• BulgeReport.com on Which Celebs Have the Biggest Dicks — Found this link from a referring gay-sports forum that was digging SI's picture of five shirtless shortstops I found some time ago.

• Camera Toss (The Blog) — Photogs are capturing some really cool images by flipping their cameras in the air and having the timer expose the pictures mid-flight. Not sure I wanna try this with my cam, though.

• Church Sign Generators — I'm sure you've seen the Notre Dame "Kick USC's Ass" sign everywhere. I doubt it's valid. Anyway, here's a place where you can make some phony ones.

• Kim Kelly's All-Semen Diet — Three years ago, some porn actress lost 15 pounds by gong 30 days on a diet of blowjobs and banana smoothies. Why am I learning about this only now? (Found on Gorilla Mask)

• In Cold Blood: A Legacy — The Lawrence Journal-World's extensive package marking the 40th anniversary of Truman Capote's landmark "non-fiction novel." I saw the movie Capote, about how he researched and wrote the book, on Monday night. It's gotten amazingly positive reviews. I judged it to be smart and well-done, but maybe a little flat and unemotional.

• Weblog Usability: The Top Ten Design Mistakes — Jakob Nielsen's latest Alertbox cites bad usability practiced by too many blogs. Not mine, which hasn't really changed for years. Bio? Check. Pic of author? Check. Descriptive headlines? Check. Descriptive links? Check. Regular publishing frequency? Check.

• Earth Girls Are Easy — Joe Concha asked me to pimp his latest RealHoboken.com column on chicks or relationships or something. Have to admit I don't read a lot of columns online that don't deal with the Yankees, all-semen diets or Verne Troyer pissing naked in the corner of a room.

No Dead Bodies, Then No Game of the Century

People will look back on Saturday's USC-Notre Dame game and say it had everything. Hype, talent to burn, big plays, multiple momentum swings, nary a dull moment and an incredible finish. But here's something it lacked: a loser.

Heading into the game:
USC ranked No. 1; Notre Dame ranked No. 9

After the game:
USC ranked No. 1; Notre Dame ranked No. 9

That's the way it goes in college football. Sometimes it's not whether you win or lose, but how you look doing it.

Great, great game. Amazingly entertaining. But there have been a number of games in recent years with even more at stake. In fact, we'll have a few more before this season is through.

Other Thoughts on USC-Notre Dame:

• Those three guys pictured are college students? They look like they combine for 900 pounds and 100 years of age.

• How 'bout fumbling a ball out of bounds when it's the only thing that would save you from defeat? Clearly, Jesus is a Trojans fan.

• That 60-yard TD punt return by ND's Tom Zbikowski was a true Stadium Shaker, my new term for one of those plays when the arena just explodes, and fans high five every stranger within distance of a lunge. In high school, Zbikowski was the Gatorade Player of the Year for Illinois and a first-team USA Today All-American. Why do some people make it seem like Notre Dame plays with a roster of Rudys?

• Let's recap the fortunes of the four universities that accepted me as a prospective student in 1990, and the one that didn't:

Syracuse (attended): Won 2003 men's basketball title
USC (accepted): Won 2003 and 2004 football titles
UConn (accepted): Won 1999 and 2004 men's basketball titles
Florida (accepted): Won 1996 football title
Indiana (rejected): Haven't won jack shit since I tossed my letter of rejection in the trash 30 seconds after opening it

• After showboating a bit on a TD run, a regretful Reggie Bush said, "That was my fault. That was my way of showing off. Completely bad leadership on my behalf." Sounds like another Bush I know.

Other Sports Thoughts:

• Vladimir Guererro owns a .176 career batting average in the postseason (9-for-51), with one home run, all with the Angels. Alex Rodriguez has a .277 postseason average with the Yankees and had a .340 postseason average with the Mariners. Three home runs with each club. A-Rod's on-base percentage in three series with the Yanks: .476, .378 and .435.

• Did you know that "True Yankee" Tino Martinez has pretty much been a dog in the postseason himself? After batting 1-for-6 (.167) against the Angels, his career average is .237 (84-for-354) in 21 postseason series. He hit .300 or better in five series and .200 or less in 10 series. His teams, however, are 16-5 in postseason series, and, of course, he jacked two of most memorable playoff home runs of the Joe Torre era.

• Paul O'Neill's Reds and Yankees teams were 16-3 in postseason series. Barry Bonds' Pirates and Giants were 2-7.

• Last year, Jose Contreras posted a 5.64 ERA for the Yanks and a 5.30 ERA for the White Sox. I think I speak for all Yankees fans when I ask, "What the fuck!?"

• Paul Maguire on Sunday night offered this piece of expert analysis during a replay of a Shaun Alexander run: "Watch his feet! They don't stop!" Good god.

• Credit boothmate and human home-theater system Mike Patrick for this exchange with Maguire, after Joe Theismann referred to his career-ending leg injury for the 5,000th time:

Patrick: Did you suffer any major injuries in your career, Paul?
Maguire: I had a lot of concussions.
Patrick: Well, we know that!

• Russ should stop whining, take his fraud monitoring assignment like a man and git-r-done. Zero liability sucks, anyway.

• I was jealous that Miami got to be "The U" in college football circles, but it's just as well, since it prohibits Ray Lewis, Jeremy Shockey and Kellen Winslow II from speaking of attending an actual university.

• Is there a less informative headline than when one hockey team is said to have "outskated" another?

• If the Yankees trade Gary Sheffield to another American League club, he'll absolutely kill us in reunion games. I can see it now: 7 games, .485 avg., 5 HRs, 13 RBIs. And three back pages of f-bombs.

• Moments after the Giants Shockey-ed the Cowboys with a game-tying touchdown in the final seconds of regulation Sunday, Gretchen Wilson's spirited "Here for the Party" blared through a stunned and silent Texas Stadium. Who's the crackhead they put in charge of music?

• All week long, people were asking me, "How the hell is Carolina favored by only one in Detroit? Is this a joke or something?" Final score: Panthers 21, Lions 20. Those boys in Vegas are smart, man.

• If not for its fantasy football engine, CBS SportsLine would be good for absolutely nothing — except ads that crash the most stable browser in the market. And SI.com, thanks for presenting all your content as top-10 photo galleries anchored, literally, by the slowest loading pages ever.

Bank Shots: My Locks for NFL Week 6

After a second straight 2-1 showing last week, I'm just under .500 for the season. Hey, if it's good enough for Mets fans, it's good enough for you.

Thanks to the Panthers for coming through against the Cards. Thanks to Vegas for not setting the spread of the Colts-49ers game at 27, which it probably should have been. And thanks fuck you to the Chargers for not coming through in their first Monday night home game since John Madden weighed 180 pounds.

Here are the bets I think are strongest among the Week 6 lines.

(Home teams in CAPS)

Vikings (+3) over Bears
SI.com's Don Banks calls allegations that 17 Vikings held a sex party on boats "a new low" for Minnesota. I call it a missed opportunity for the other 34 players.

You think any of the missing guys were thinking, "Damn, why do they have to go and embarrass us like that?" No, they were asking, "Why the hell wasn't I invited to this ho bash?"

A lot of people are questioning what this means for the team in terms of public imagine and its quest for a new stadium. I question where are the cell-phone cam pictures you know exist? And did The Original Whizzinator make a cameo?

As for this game, you'll notice that one of these teams lost by 10 to the Browns last week, while the other had two weeks to prepare for said scrubs. Which is why they had a floating sex party in the first place. Who needs two weeks to prepare for the Bears and a rookie quarterback who threw for all of 117 yards on 26 attempts against Cleveland?

Besides that, laying points with the Bears hasn't been smart since 1989.

Patriots (+3) over BRONCOS
How's this for a stat? These teams are a combined 7-3 and have beaten the likes of the Steelers, Chargers, Falcons and Chiefs, yet they've allowed more points than they've scored (Denver +14; Patriots -18).

There's something about taking points with the Patriots that I like. I think it has something to do with the fact they almost always win. Call me crazy.

Then again, they did get blasted at home by San Diego when I stumped for them in this very space a couple of weeks ago. Thanks, fuckers.

STEELERS (-3) over Jaguars
As of PK.com press time, the public does not know whether Ben Roethlisberger or Hines Ward will be able to play for the Steelers. Neither had practiced at all this week through Thursday.

However, I've just received a tip from NFL insider "Just A. Hunch," and he tells me Big Ben will be healthy enough to hand off 45 times.

Visiting football teams win in Pittsburgh in only two situations: 1) They're the Patriots; or 2) They're facing Dave Wannstedt and his Panthers. Neither of those conditions are in effect here.

Last Week: 2-1
Season: 7-8

Related: Dr. Z: The Odds Are Against You

Please post your own best bets in the comments section.

Your No. 1 Source for Pens: PenisLand.net

Via a post on Alexa.com, I came across this page on Snopes.com highlighting a few URLs with double meanings, whether intentional or not.

My favorite, by far: Pen Island, the "best place to get custom made pens on the Internet." To visit, simply type in PenisLand.net!

Some others:

• Powergen Italia, at PowerGenitalia.com
• Who Represents?, at WhorePresents.com
• Experts Exchange, at ExpertSexChange.com
• Mole Station Native Nursery, at MolestationNursery.com

Today's Web Finds:

• Singer Chris Cagle Learns Baby Isn't His, After the Birth — What happens when you play a country song backward? You get your car back, your dog back, and your wife doesn't fuck the drummer. Eh, I'm kidding. I wish the guy luck and hope he gets close to retail on that box of cigars that'll be up on eBay soon. (Thanks, Ayan)

• Burger King Halloween Masks — I wanna know what marketing ideas Burger King rejected before settling on the freak that's equal parts lumberjack, leprechaun and Rocky Dennis. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• Napoleon Dynamite Soundboard — Click the "You guys are retarded!" bite and see if you, too, conjure up images of the ESPN Sunday Night Football crew.

• Photos: Sears Tower Made From 15,000 Jenga Blocks — I think I speak for all of America when I say, "Man, I'd love to knock that fucker over."

• Chick Shirt: 'My Eye Color is D' — Available in only small and medium. Now that's impressive. (Thanks, Justin)

• DealNews.com — Continuously updated news on consumer electronics sales, coupons and rebates. Very handy. A smiliar site: AllTechDeals.com

• A Blue Whale's Tongue Weighs More Than Elephant — That and more interesting facts about whales here. Did you know a whale's penis is called a dork? Guess I'll be calling Dustin Diamond a whale penis from now on. Also, a blue whale can make a sound that can be detected from 530 miles away. So can I after eating Taco Bell.

• Video: Kanye West and Mike Myers Reunite on SNL — I love this clip.

• Is the Net Doomed? — PC World's take on why the Internet is the biggest crime scene in history — plus expert advice on cleaning it up.

• 10 Things Your Butcher Won't Tell You — Here's one I hope to never hear: "Wanna know how I glazed the ham?"

Billick Couldn't Lead an Offense on Match Game, Either

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Ravens coach got shut out in 1977 on Match Game PM
• Early nod for worst Halloween costume idea
• How much do stadium vendors really make?
• Downloadable baseball stats for your iPod
• This offseason's crop of MLB free agents
• Gallery: Soccer's hot wives and girlfriends
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

We're Still the Team of the Decade! (If the Angels Lose)

All season long, I struggled to make sense of the most disappointing 95-win division champ in the history of baseball. I guess that label pretty much sums up the uniqueness of the New York Yankees franchise and its 2005 squad.

And I'll give it a shot at a wrap-up...

My Thoughts on the Season:

• A quick headline explainer: If the Angels win the World Series, they'd have a pretty good claim to Team of the Decade, with two titles and four seasons to go. If not, no team at the end of 2005 would tally more World Series wins (1), league pennants (3) and division titles (6) than the Bombers from 2000-05. How's that for a silver lining?

• Jim Caple, Bill Simmons and Dan Shanoff are probably circle-jerking over the Game 5 box score right now.

• That the Yankees drew an AL-record 50,499 fans per game in a season in which the team was altogether confounding and sometimes embarrassing is a testament to either our fan base, the team's marketing department or both. I thought the fans were absolutely tremendous this year, and the Yanks posted MLB's second-best home record at 53-28.

• Should Joe Torre go? Fire a guy who's won nine division titles in 10 years? It seems incomprehensible, but it's fair to ask how much of that success has been attributable directly to him. The Yankees lacked a lot this year — defense and middle relief being the most prominent — but I also thought they lacked a certain fire. Could Lou Piniella help turn that around? Or am I, and many others, overreacting to a 95-win team that lost a deciding playoff game on the road that, in part, was decided on bullshit hits?

• Could Randy Johnson have been less intimidating this year? A complete enigma who pretty much defined the season. Dominating one start, inexplicably lit up like a Christmas tree the next. No $16-million-a-year player has ever sold less merchandise. Long offseason for him, though he pitched great in Game 5. Of course, if he pitched that way in Game 3, there wouldn't have been a Game 5.

• Could Alex Rodriguez have had a worse ALDS? Those who say he never comes through in the playoffs should do their homework, but a .133 average, that huge error in Game 2, that ninth-inning DP in Game 5? Jesus. Barry Bonds used to do that every year in the postseason.

• Kevin Brown may have had the worst Yankees career among, oh, about 5,000 players who put on the pinstripes.

• If there's a "What the Fuck?" moment in a game, Robinson Cano is involved. Usually three times a night. Loved his effort this year, though.

• There was a mound meeting during Game 5 in which Johnson, A-Rod, Cano, Derek Jeter, Jason Giambi and Jorge Posada — who command $85 million in annual salary — were present. Those six players alone made more than all but about 10 entire teams this season.

• For 20 years I've owned only two players' shirts: No. 23 MATTINGLY and No. 51 WILLIAMS. Bern, baby, Bern! He will be missed.

• How come Mel Stottlemyre got absolutely no credit for Shawn Chacon and Aaron Small combining for 17 regular-season wins?

• The YES network did a show called Ultimate Road Trip, in which four Yankees fans attended all 162 games this season. A brutal, draining season. And then they didn't even send 'em to the playoffs. How fucked up is that?

• Did we really win the AL East? I still can't believe it.

• I'm drained. Long, long season of ups and downs. Go Giants!

Photo Printing at Home Doesn't Add Up. Sometimes

While pointing out that printer ink, ounce for ounce, is four times the cost of Krug Clos du Mesnil Champagne, which sells for $425 a bottle, The New York Times answers a question I've had for a long time: Am I spending more money printing digital photos at home than I would ordering them through a retail lab?

Its finding is yes. And no. And maybe it doesn't matter much.

According to the report, printer manufacturers claim that 4x6 prints cost about 28 cents per, while Consumer Reports measures the cost at 50 cents each.

Snapfish offers 4x6 prints-by-mail for 12 cents each — and 10 cents per when 1,000 are pre-paid. Add shipping, of course. Local NYC shop Adorama charges 19 cents for the same size when picked up. Plus tax, ya-da ya-da.

We're talkin' pennies here. And convenience. And the ability to edit color on a shot that may not have come out great. So, if you're printing a few vacation shots, fire up the home printer. If you're printing up a bunch for family and don't need 'em right away, order out.

The Times further estimates that printing an 8x10 at home costs "about a third of the $3 a copy Walgreens charges." I guess, but 50 cents times four (the approximate ratio of an 8x10 to a 4x6) isnt $1, and you shouldn't be paying $3 anyway. Two bucks seems to be an inexpensive standard found at numerous outlets.

Again, I will throw out Fotki.com's pricelist as the cheapest I've found online for prints of just about any size, and certainly the best for 11x14 ($2.50), 16x20 ($8.50) and 24x36 ($12).

My 6-color Epson R200 printer (pictured, and recommended), prints up to 8x10 borderless, retails for $99 new, but is selling for much cheaper on eBay.

Today's News Links:

• Passengers, Check Your T-Shirt Before Boarding — Some lady was booted off a Southwest Airlines flight for wearing a shirt a shirt I first saw in Venice Beach, one that featured George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Condi Rice above the headline "Meet the Fuckers." Funny stuff at a bar, but if you're wearing it in public with kids around, quite trashy.

• More States Step Toward 'Net Tax — Looks like the days of avoiding tax by ordering high-priced items online are coming to an end. And just in time for the holiday shopping season.

• Can Bloggers Strike it Rich? — Wired.com reports that "Weblog salaries are about a quarter to half what a mid-level editorial job would pay." So, I guess the answer is no. But the author does estimate that the Fleshbot writers make $7,000 to $8,000 a month. Which isn't bad unless you have to review the gay stuff. Not that there's anything wrong with writing about it.

• Friendster Outs Voyeurs — A new "Who's Viewed Me" feature could end up hurting the service's page views, as surfers usually don't want their behavior publicized. Duh.

• Nagin Hopes Casinos Will Attract Tourists — It's a logical way to help bring people back. Drop drink prices, get hotter strippers, increase gambling options, recruit for street freaks and turn the level of debauchery up a notch. Music and food go a long way, but let's not kid ourselves about why New Orleans was awarded Super Bowls, Final Fours and served as America's No. 1 convention city.

Why I Called a Best Buy Salesperson a 'Fucking Idiot'

Thursday I was in the market for a laptop. Just something to WiFi my way out of my apartment, where I could do my usual e-mailing, Web surfing and writing outside Chez PK.com.

After a fruitless trip to Comp USA, where I was helped by no one (they were swamped with that one other customer in the department), I headed to Best Buy where I asked for assistance and was greeted by the most righteous of all salespersons questions: "What do you want to do with it?"

Right on, man. That's exactly what you should ask anyone seeking advice with consumer electronics. Unlike the asshat who tried to sell me golf clubs by inquiring, "How much do you want to spend?" Um, not more than I need, dickhead.

So I tell him the above, and he points to a $1079 model. I ask him why it was worth $430 more than the $649 (after $150 rebate) one right next to it. He mentioned a larger screen size (which seemed negligible to me) and a better video card. Truth be told, the cheaper model's screen was as blurry as freshman pledge's vision on kill-a-keg night.

So I asked him why it was worth $200 more than the $849 (after $150 rebate) model two spots down from it. He says the video card and screen size are comparable, any doesn't tell me anything more than, "But they're about the same price anyway."

Yeah, $1079 is "about the same" as $849 for the same shit. I try to explain that the $150 rebate is actual real money, no matter what I have to pay up front. He either didn't grasp this concept or didn't want to expand on why I would want to pay $1079 for an $849 notebook.

He rolls his eyes and walks away. Walks away. Not in a distracted, someone-else-has-got-a-quick-question kind of way. Just bolts.

So I said, "You're a fucking idiot. You run away because you can't figure out simple math?"

Figuring if you want something done right you have to do it yourself, I configured a Dell online, which is good news for the nearby Starbucks with WiFi access, because I've never spent a dime there. Until now.

Other Things on My Mind:

• With all those crazy T-shirts out there, I wonder why none read "C is for C-Cup. It's Good Enough for Me."

• Here's an actual conversation I had with a friend:

"The Giants are going to the Super Bowl! Pack your bathing suit."

"I think the game's in Detroit this year."

"Well, then, pack a gun, too!"

• You know you're obese when you're wheezing after descending four stairs — not flights — to reach the elevator in my building.

• Here's what I don't get about Catholics who have premarital sex but still go to church. You're already turning your faith into Burger King, having it your way. Why not hold the pickles, as well? It's not like most people attend church for any other reason besides guilt. It's like a 45-minute-a-week superstition ritual. You could fold socks for 45 minutes a week in an attempt to go to heaven and it would make even more sense.

• You see those Falun Gong people on the streets of New York demonstrating the torture their practitioners face in China? Dudes, you're in America. You're sitting outside Central Park in shackles and fake blood. What the fuck did you come here for? You're torturing me.

• It was a pleasure to spend $80 in TicketMaster convenience fees for eight tickets to the Giants-Saints hurricane relief game. Sixty-eight thousand people in attendance at $10 a clip. What a convenience, for TicketMaster.

• My new Madden 06 trash talk to friends who are avoiding scheduled beatdowns: "You're ducking me like Bush to a hurricane."

• Nowhere do blacks and whites in this country enjoy as much racial harmony as they do in the Black Hole at Raiders games. People of both races are absolutely insane out there.

• Earlier I congratulated god on a nice job with the tsunami. But I felt the Gulf Coast flood was weak. I think he's still a little cocky after ravaging human life with cancer and terrorism for this long of a time. Better make sure I go to church on Sunday so that I'm clear of those targets. Or maybe I'll watch football instead.

• Each week in the NFL we see player after player suffer season-ending injuries. It's getting to be epidemic. Yet, each Monday night, you can see 40-something-year-old men howling and laughing at the vicious hits in the "Jacked Up" feature on ESPN's Monday Night Countdown.

• How big of a loser do you have to be to answer an e-mail that touts fantasy football league spots are still available after Week 2?

• This week I caught the most woffing stench of B.O., I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. I can honestly say I tasted someone's nasty pits.

• Raise your hand if you enjoy clicking on a Web link that unexpectedly spawns a .pdf file.

• If there was one person who died in the Gulf Coast flood because a network decided to run some shitty TV show instead of an urgent news bulletin, I'm gonna be pissed. I imagine all stations scrolled constant evacuation messages, but just something to think about.

• PK.com reader Ken asks: "Did anyone translate Paul Maguire's 'I'm a tell ya what' en Espanol before, during or after ESPN's Sunday night game in Mexico City?"

• PK.com friend Ayan on Jason Giambi winning AL Comeback Player of the Year Award: "Does this mean Rafael Palmeiro is eligible for next year?" That should be the first and last time a player wins such an award after starting an All-Star Game the previous season.

• Larry David on my favorite show, Curb Your Enthusiasm: "I don't like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with."

• Janet Jackson was videotaped sunbathing nude. Who else lost a bet that Michael would've been caught first?

• Turner Field had 10,000 empty seats for Game 1 of its NLCS. Blame ticket prices or apathy, but that's a problem.

Bank Shots: My Locks for NFL Week 5

The only thing that stood between me and a perfect record last week, one that would have evened my season mark, was this: The Jets go into Baltimore getting 7½ points, give up only 13 and don't cover.

But at least they have Joe Namath coming back this week.

Oh, sorry, it's Vinny Testaverde. Got my 12s and 16s mixed up for a second. Either way, they're both 62 years old.

Here are the bets I think are strongest among the Week 5 lines.

(Home teams in CAPS)

Panthers (-3) over CARDINALS
The Cards finally broke out of their shells last week, blasting the 49ers, 31-17, before 103,467 fans in Mexico City. Arriba! The locals must've misread the English on their tickets which stated: "Admit one to see the NFL's shittiest teams not from Cleveland."

Here's why I think the Cardinals won't repeat their dominance in Week 5:

• The runs, obviously. Not talking about Stephen Davis or DeShuan Foster. I mean the burritos.
• The 49ers are to the Panthers what Chris Berman is to Vin Scully.
• Sore ribs from sharing bus seats with 20,000 Mexicans trying to sneak a ride into Arizona.
• In this past five road games, Jake Delhomme has thrown for 13 TDs, 2 INTs and has posted a 117.2 rating.

Colts (-14½) over 49ERS
I don't like the spread jumping that ½ point, but I guess the rest of the country feels the same as I do: The Colts will be up 14 after one quarter, 35 at the half, 90 after three and then we'll see if they can crack the century mark.

Indy has given up only 26 points through four games. They could give up 26 in this game and still have a shot to cover. But that ain't happening. With Alex Smith making his San Fran debut, you're looking at a performance similar to that of the Jets last week.

Archie Manning plans to attend to see if he can get some garbage time in.

SAN DIEGO (-3) over Steelers
San Diego just rolled the Giants and Patriots, who are a combined 5-1 in games not played against the Chargers. And while the Steelers have their entire backfield intact for this one, LaDanian Tomlinson is better than all three combined. Times 12.

Come Monday night, the Padres season will be a distant memory, and San Diego fans will be focused on their first home Monday Night Football appearance since 1996, when they were led by the likes of Stan Humphries, Leonard Russell and Tony Martin.

Last Week: 2-1
Season: 5-7

Please post your own best bets in the comments section.

Three Things Uglier Than This Car

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Song: "Three Things Uglier Than Dale Jarrett's Car"
• Have Larry Holmes call to wish a happy birthday
• T-shirt: Pocket Pool Champion
• Jack McKeon's clubhouse: Walk-in ashtray
• KNBR's classic audio bleepers
• Bill Simmons equates Red Sux trophy to Tara Reid
• Mike Piazza borrows line from Gorilla Monsoon
• ... and more

I'm always looking for links to wacky or interesting sports sites and news, so if you come across any, please e-mail them to me.

Four Huge Movie Dorks Unmasked

When I saw the movie featuring the biggest tools in the history of movies, I thought, "Where did they find these über-geeks?" Turns out they look pretty normal in real life.

See if you can guess who they are.

Click here or on the pic for the payoff.

Today's Web Finds:

• Gorilla Mask's Annual Web Tard Competition — View the nominees, complete with video credentials, of everyday people who made complete asshats of themselves in 2005. I can sum up my pick in four words: Boom Goes the Dynamite!

• Beer Looter Dude: The Official Site — Hilarious visual parodies of the skinny Al Sharpton-lookin' guy hauling Heinekens through toxic sludge in New Orleans. Yum!

• Top Ten Web Design Mistakes of 2005 — Jakob Nielsen's latest edition of Alertbox.

• Erocktica Photos: Shows — It's been awhile since I pimped my favorite "Anti-Censorship Erotic Theatrical Musical Free Expression Rock Extravaganza." A bunch of the pics from the 8/7/2005 Arlene's Grocery album were actually taken by me. (Not safe for work, unless you work at Penthouse.)

• Feuding Families Have Food Fight at Olive Garden — Like any Manhattan snob, I wouldn't patronize an Olive Garden if you paid me ... unless you promised me that two families "who've had a long-standing beef with one another" would brawl, and six would end up in jail. Colorado road trip!

• Myrtle Beach Sues to Stop 'Adult' Activities — I forgot to link to this news item before my trip. Anyway, I'm guessing the 40-something chick dressed as a school girl for no apparent reason at Shucker's had something to do with this. I asked her major and she said, "Apparently, fashion."

• Photo: Janeane Garofalo Needs To Shave Her Pits — And this is news to whom?

The 2005 Yankees: How the East Was Won

No team in American sports is paid attention to like the New York Yankees, and it's not even close.

I read and hear stuff like, "It can't be any fun to be a Yankees fan, because they always win." That's usually followed up with a rag about how they haven't been winning, at least in terms of World Series titles since 2000, when they polished off a run of four in five years.

Yeah, sucks to be us! But you know why it's fun? Because everyone cares.

The AL-record 4,090,440 fans who showed up at Yankee Stadium this year, at an average of 50,499 per game, cared. The ML-leading 81.9%-full road stadiums when the Yanks came to town cared. There's nothing in sports like it.

Notre Dame has a similar caché in college football, but that sport doesn't grip the nation like Major League Baseball, which set another attendance record this season. Most people who admit to hating the Irish probably can't name more than three current players. Hell, no more than the coach, probably. However, most people who hate the Yankees can probably name at least five of the 10 players making at least $10 million this season.

The Los Angeles Lakers? The Dallas Cowboys? You can combine the nationwide press those high-profile franchises get, and it would total a fraction of the columns written about the Yankees.

If you're a Yankees fan, you're part of sports royalty. The pinnacle of American sports. There's no one challenging that perch atop America's sports consciousness. That's why it's fun.

Now, let's get to some quick-hits:

THE YANKEES-RED SUX FINAL THREE-GAME SERIES

• I almost previewed this series with the headline Armageddon Part III (Probably of IV), because you had to figure a third straight seven-game ALCS was in the cards to torment those who dinn't already love five years off their lives from the previous two.

• Cleveland's run of losses, all at home against a team with nothing to play for, including that Friday night game in which I think Chicago's starting outfield consisted of S.D. Jones, Frankie Williams and the Brooklyn Brawler? Biggest choke ever, right?

• With the exception of booze-hound Chris House, admirably admonished by Sux fans, the 19 games these teams played really focused on baseball. Of course, winning was paramount with neither exactly coasting. And how 'bout playing a final series in which both were pretty happy with the outcome?

• If the Yanks and Sux fans could ever agree on anything, it's this: What in god's name was FOX doing splitting the screen Saturday to show our game and the Cleveland-Chicago game and, worse, giving us the audio to that suck-fest?

• Walk David Ortiz like the NL does Barry Bonds? Are you nuts? Let me know the next time Bonds has a guy like Manny Ramirez hitting behind him, and we'll see how many times he walks.

• The shirts say AL EAST CHAMPS. We're AL East champs. Period. What, you wanna play a tie-breaker, fuck up both teams' rotations and not give anyone a day's rest? Yeah, that makes sense. We're both going on the road anyway, and we deserve to finish is first place, because we're the Yankees (see above).

THE AL MVP RACE

• Alex Rodriguez is the most talented Yankee since Mickey Mantle. His batting prowess is well-documented, but his awareness and smarts in the field and on the bases is something to behold, and I have no idea whether David Ortiz can match those skills. But I have a hunch.

• When scoring a TD in the fourth quarter or a goal in the third period counts more than the same early in the game, then I'll give Ortiz a huge advantage over A-Rod at the plate, which included these finishes in the American League: First in home runs (48) runs (124), slugging (.610), OPS (1.031), second in batting (.318), on-base percentage (.421) third in walks (91), fourth in RBIs (130) and ninth in stolen bases (21).

• Your American League MVP: Alex Rodriguez of the 2005 AL East champion New York Yankees.

THE 2005 NEW YORK YANKEES SEASON

• Everyone who said they knew A-Rod couldn't succeed in New York can now admit they were wrong.

• Gary Sheffield is a P.I.M.P.

• Mariano Rivera should be headed for his fourth career top-three finish in the Cy Young voting. He gave up 12 earned runs all year, and the league hit .177 against him. However, I'm not sure that anyone who pitches 78.1 innings should win the award. Some stat-head will have to do a study involving his effect over average replacement player or something.

• You'd have to look far and wide to find a Yankees fan disappointed in Hideki Matsui through three seasons, but you might be surprised to learn he's hit only 70 home runs (16, 31, 23 — 23.3 per) in those three years.

• Imagine hearing this question back in April and not wanting to throw up at the potential answer: "Who do you think the Yankees should start in Game 3, Chacon, Wang or Small?"

THE 2005 MLB SEASON

• Mark McGwire says he won't talk about steroids ever again. Guess we won't be talking about his Hall of Fame candidacy ever again, either. Wait until that vote comes up. It'll be a huge day in baseball history.

• I was surprised to hear the Mets played a game on Sunday, because I thought the minor-league baseball season ended a month ago.

• Back in April, Jim Caple was the only one of 19 ESPN "experts" to predict that the Yankees would miss the playoffs. Stick with the jokes, Jimbo.

• Back on Aug. 18, Dan Shanoff on ESPN.com had two words for us: "YANKEES. DONE." The man is a prophet!

THE OTHER SEVEN PLAYOFF TEAMS

• Who gives a shit?

A True Yankee Moment: An Eighth Straight AL East Title

Fenway Park throws one helluva party!

Regular season recap here Monday.