PaulKatcher.com

Kirk Herbstreit Digs Ole Miss Chicks

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Herbstreit names his top-5 hottest co-eds
• Download "The-e-e-e Yankees Win" to your mobile phone
• Vladimir Guerrero the most annoying person in sports?
• Photos of "Manny Being Manny" through the years
• Data on the foolishness of sac bunts
• AOL gets into the "secondary ticketing" biz
• ... and more

Join the PK.com NFL Pick 'Em Pool 2005

The NFL season kicks off in just over a week, and I've set up another weekly pick 'em pool, which was a lot of fun last year. Every Tuesday I'll update my home page touting the weekly winners and overall leaders.

I'll be using CBS SportsLine as the engine, so you'll need to register a free user name with them, if you don't already have one.

The rules are simple:

• Make picks against the spread each week.
• If you miss a week, you'll be awarded the lowest score posted by those who made picks. That way you don't get crippled with a 0 if you forget to make selections before leaving on a weekend trip.

The top three finishers at the end of the year will receive some cheap prizes. You'll have your choice of items from my sports memorabilia collection, CDs, books, framed prints of my photos, etc. Most importantly, you'll receive all the glory and adulation that comes from winning such a prestigious pool.

To enter the pool:

• Simply go to http://pkpool2005.football.sportsline.com/e

• Enter "arod_for_mvp" as the password for entry.

Good luck!

Time to Make Your NFL Fantasies Come True

This week Chez PK.com hosts the first of my two fantasy football drafts. I've been involved in each for about 15 years, and I've pretty much seen it all. And so have you, if you've run into any of these people and situations:

During the Draft...

• The Clueless Owners: You treat these guys like Vegas casinos pamper whales. You make sure they get a comfortable seat, enough snacks and plenty of alcoholic refreshments. Gone are the days when they'd pick Troy Aikman with the No. 1 pick, even though he only twice passed for more than 17 TDs in a season. (stats) So now we just settle for a couple of them bidding voraciously on a player neither knows is on injured reserve. You think they'd figure something was up while the other 10 owners try not to look at each other and risk bursting out laughing.

• The Guy With Four Magazines, Two Notebooks, Three Pencils and No Dates in the Foreseeable Future: Unfortunately for him, what women look for in men has nothing to do with knowing who is the Cardinals' back-up fullback.

• The 'Who the Fuck Is That?' Pick: Or, as it is more commonly referred to: The selection of Artose Pinner. In straight drafts, these are among the funnier moments. In auction drafts, everyone's throwing papers around just to find his name somewhere. Is he a kicker? A receiver? Then you find him ranked as the 120th-best running back, behind a guy coming off nine knee surgeries, a kidney transplant and broken back, and you laugh your ass off before saying, "You can have him."

• The Gluttonous Pizza Break: Thanksgiving is a light snack compared to the neanderthalish gorging of pizza after its mid-draft delivery. It's hard to get everyone re-focused because: a) at least three people are about to throw up; and b) Plaxico Burress is the best player left on the board.

• The Guy Who Shows Up an Hour Late: Nah, it's cool, bro. Me and the other 10 owners were just chatting about old times. And deciding whether we should sear your nuts with a branding iron or slam a door on your head a few times.

• The Player You Really, Really Wanted Picked Right Before Your Turn: The classic straight-draft nut shot. You could drive past a billboard advertising a video of your girlfriend getting peed on by R. Kelly and it wouldn't hurt as much as when the last good QB gets stolen from right under your nose and you're forced to build on the greatest wide receiving corps ever that won't make make the playoffs.

• The Chick Who Wins the Whole Thing: An expansion-team wife of an original owner has won our league three times, and that's the first and last time I'm going to admit that publicly.

• The Guy Who Takes F-O-R-E-V-E-R to Make a Late-Round Pick: Congress moves quicker than some guys select their sixth running back, who everyone knows will be cut by Week 2. "Hey, Phil, opening kickoff is only a week away. Wanna step on the gas a little?"

• Drafting the Player You Hate: For at least the third straight year in my keeper league, I'll be suiting up Terrell Owens, which means I would be somewhat disappointed — but not totally devastated — if he breaks his leg in nine pieces. Hopefully falling off a cliff onto Curt Schilling.

During the Season...

• The Guy Who Gets All the Good Pick-Ups: Fuck morning people.

• Questions From Guys in Six-Team Leagues: "Hey, Paul, I've got Peyton Manning, Daunte Culpepper, LaDanian Tomlinson, Priest Holmes, Terrell Owens and Randy Moss, but I can only start two. What would you do?" Answer: Get more friends and start a real league.

• The Guy Who Sees a TV Replay and Thinks He Got Another Touchdown: Several years ago, a friend got a long TD from Terrell Davis, then cheered him all the way to the end zone on a replay showing the same play from a different angle. Absolute hilarity.

• Finding Out You Were Playing Against a Scrub Having a Career Game: You sit at the bar watching Patrick Ramsey throw four TDs and rush for another. You're getting looped, enjoying talking to the Holy Grail of Bar Chicks (the fantasy football owner), but in the back of your mind you're not 100% certain that your opponent doesn't have Ramsey. You get home, check the scores and throw your monitor out the window. This is how a certain running back got to be known in our league as Larry "Fucking" Centers, shortened in subsequent seasons to Larry F.

Previously on PK.com:

• Luckiest Fantasy Sports Seasons — Kurt Warner in 1999, Randall Cunningham in 1998 and more.

Fantasy Football Links:

• Ladd K. Biro's Draft Guide — This has been run in a number of major newspapers. A column, followed by position-by-position analysis, complete with comments on each player. Great stuff.

• Bill Simmons' Top 40 Picks — Not a single Godfather reference. The boy is slipping. Funny stuff, but it's hard to judge any overall ranking against yours when scoring in fantasy football, unlike in baseball, varies so much by league. That's why I think position-by-position rankings are more useful.

• SI.com's Tip Sheet: Who's Rising and Falling — Wait, running backs on Cleveland, Chicago and Miami are not to be trusted? Who knew?!

• SI.com's Top 100 — With links to position-by-position rankings.

• CBS SportsLine's Player Ratings — This one includes monetary values for auction leagues. Might not be relevant for your league, but you can at least see the variance in value between the top players and those lower-ranked for each position.

• Fantasy Football Mastermind Quick Bits — Lots of "so-and-so newspaper reported today" stuff, mixed in with ads for "premium" content, which you'd be insane to purchase if first place in your league doesn't reward you with a mansion in Bel Air.

• Gil Brandt's Position-By-Position Previews — As with Dr. Z, the former Cowboys personnel director always provides insight not found anywhere else.

• Ten Reasons Why I Hate the Fantasy Sports Craze — SI.com's Don Banks isn't a fan. But is "regular" NFL any less of a fantasy? C'mon, now.

• ESPN.com's Draft Dos & Don'ts — Tristan H. Cockcroft, who could make some serious coin in the porn industry with that name, advises to get a good night's sleep before your draft. "Hey, Joe, wanna drill some beers and chase chicks tonight?" "Nah, gotta be ready to secure two starting tight ends tomorrow." "OK, Joe, sweet dreams. And, oh, I'm never calling you again."

Random Thoughts After a Long Day

Thursday I saw the Yankees beat the Blue Jays 6-2, attended the annual MurphGuide.com booze cruise and the Zog Sports end-of-summer-season party, so I don't have much in the tank. But here are some things on my mind:

• Are there any George W. Bush impersonators who will call softball champions — as well as those of other rec sports — to congratulate them on league championships?

• Not only have I never picked up on a balk before an umpire, I've never understood any balk call even after a couple of replays. The announcers are always like, "Oh yeah, right there, definitely a balk," and I'm wondering what the hell they're talking about.

• I thought I'd seen it all online before I got a spam e-mail touting nuns getting facialized.

• No one emerges from a public stall after taking a dump before the entire bathroom is clear, right?

• I'm too old to greet the term "hooking up" with anything other than laughter. Seriously, if you're over 30 and say you "hooked up" with someone and you're talking kissing or petting, you've got some living to do.

• Least fun game ever? Playing "Will my $40 MetroCard work after washing it?"

• Best quote I've heard this year — that I care to share with you — I'll go with a tie between the female friend at a singles mixer who said, "I'm gonna leave. I don't like talking to people" and my friend who asked, "Ever feel like you have to go back and re-wipe?"

• Pic of the day from my modest album of today's Yankees game and booze cruise.

Bid on Skin Care Secrets of Adult Film Stars!

Every now and then it's fun to check out eBay's "Totally Bizarre" listings. It's there you will find stuff like:

• One Random Item From My Pile of Junk
• Two Cardboard Boxes (for $1,000)
• Not One, But Two, Slightly Used Pieces of Gum

But my favorite find this week: Skin Care Secret of Adult Film Stars.

I never even knew that adult film stars had enviable skin. Is it really a compliment to say, "Hey, you have a really pretty face. Like Jenna Jameson's when she's biting a pillow."

It turns out the secret is a magic microdermabrasion sponge (not spooge) that removes the top layer of skin, stimulating collagen and elastin in the face.

Give it a try. Or take a load in the grill every now and then. Whatever works for ya, I guess.

Today's Web Finds:

• Princeton Review's Top Party Schools — What, no Harvard? The usual suspects claim the top 20 spots. I think I smell an upcoming Vince Vaughn movie, his 10th as the too-old party guy: a road trip to each campus.

• Video: Alyssa Milano Gives Lap Dance on Charmed — If you're an actor and you know you're gonna film this scene on a certain day, wouldn't you do each of these two things: a) Take care of business about 12 times in the shower so you don't sport wood on the set; and b) keep kicking a table over so you have to shoot a number of re-takes?

• Masturbation-Related Injuries, Arrests and Deaths — We all do it. But these people are bad at it. Really, really bad. What I wouldn't have given to have attended the funeral of the French woman who died after giving a carrot a one-way ticket to Tuna Town.

• Jennifer Aniston's Prom Picture — Damn, I hope Brad Pitt didn't get sloppy seconds from this guy.

• Bartender Tricks, Stunts and Gags — Dozens of tricks explained, but not the one I'm looking for: Make the Annoying, Drunken Douche Bag Next to Me Disappear. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• Chicago Police's Prostitution Arrest Photos — Hey ladies, these guys are most likely single. Don't sleep on 'em. (Thanks, Ayan)

• Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Anal Piercing But Were Afraid To Ask — Actually, I didn't really want to know that much. But I found it a couple of links off of...

• Wikipedia's Anal Bleaching Entry — If you still don't think this online encyclopedia has it all, I'll continue to prove you wrong.

• U.S. Blowjobless Rate at All-Time High — Now that's what I call a great depression. The Onion has more.

• August Accounting, by Joe Concha — My friend's latest piece about guys and dolls at the Jersey Shore. I'm not sure my readers actually read, but if you do, give it a shot.

These Legs Just Keep Getting Longer

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• More of Sharapova to Love
• All-time best sports video game tourney
• Sean Casey, Jeff Conine and Ozzie Smith sing
• Carl Lewis' music video
• Landon Donovan thinks MLS is more popular than MLB
• Top ten least valuable sports memorabilia
• ... and more

Beat My Score: Text Twist

Time for another game of Beat My Score, also known as No Time to Write.

Today your mission is to best my mark in Yahoo! Games' Text Twist, a word puzzle in which you are given six letters and are asked to form as many words as possible. Compose a six-letter word and you're on to the next round.

Now for a story. The reason you can beat my score like Ike Turner beat his wife is because I'm a dunce with words. To some people this is a shock. To others it's patently obvious. I've never completed a crossword puzzle of any kind, and I'm embarrassed to even begin one in a newspaper I plan to leave at a bar.

In my high school PSAT's I got an Ivy League-type 720 on the math part and an APEX Tech-like 420 on the verbal part. So what did I do? I ended up working for the media in which I was, in part, paid for my writing. You try to figure this shit out.

The score to beat is: 10,340.

Softball and Me: A Love Story

Whenever people say that something is better than sex, I usually think, You're probably not doing it right. But I've recently realized that I've turned down opportunities for sex more often than I have chances to play softball.

How's that for frightening?

All three of my summer softball teams kick off their postseasons this week. One fall league is underway and another around the corner. I've also subbed for four other teams this summer, as I've whored out my skills to anyone offering a post-game drink-up. It's getting ridiculous.

Over the last 13 years, I've played for every type of team imaginable — men-only, co-ed, competitive, not-so-much, etc. — with/against players of every skill level.

So now's a perfect time to run down the characters you run into during softball games. This may seem like a rip-off of the The Phat Phree's Usual Suspects of the Men's Locker Room, but I've been hanging onto this idea for a long time.

• The manager who thinks he's running the Yankees. My first manager used to call me at work on game day to see how I was feeling, and thus gauge where to place me in the lineup — a lineup that changed significantly whether a guy went 1-for-3 or 2-for 3. A guy I currently play against wears a C on his jersey, which is utterly embarrassing. Another one sent out a playoff-game scouting report that had to have bettered 1,000 words — complete with hitting and fielding tendencies up and down the opponent's lineup. But the one that takes the cake: When my friend — who is awesome — subbed for a team, and the manager didn't play him at his usual shortstop because that's a "leadership" position, and he didn't want a newcomer there. You have to love guys who invoke chemistry issues into softball.

• The guy with two batting gloves. Any time a guy steps to the plate like this, I warn my fellow outfielders, "Look out, it's Willie Mays Hayes!" which usually means, "Take a couple of steps in because he's got a baseball stance, gonna take a huge swing, cut under the ball and hit a lazy fly." I can't think of a single excellent player I've seen wear two batting gloves.

• The hot chick who can't play. "Nice cut!" on a lazy looper to short. "Awesome play!" after a routine toss from second. "You almost beat it out!" when they're out by 15 feet. The whole time you're thinking, "She'd better come out and get wasted after the game, or else this is gonna be a waste of time."

• The hot chick who can play. The rarest breed. You see one maybe every couple of years. Occasional proofs that god exists.

• The guy who has to get dirty. I love the Rambo guys. They slide into first. They slide into home when the entire bench is yelling, "Stand up!" Hell, they slide back to the dugout area. Better them than me, because if there's there's gonna be bleeding on my bed sheets, it had better be from a virgin and not because my knee is scabbed from sliding into home during a meaningless softball game.

• The lefty who hits .900. In any league, the four best defenders are all on the left side of the field — SS, 3B, LF, LC. In a co-ed league, the discrepancy is even more pronounced, as there's usually a chick at second and in right. No offense, ladies, but there's a reason one of you is always catching, and it's because 95% of you are not as good as the average guy. Cheers to the 5% who are. Anyway, lefties have all the advantages, including short fences at some fields, and I don't even want to hear about the throw from second being short. You should be blistering it by lead-footed fielders anyway.

• The old guy who draws three-ball counts, then slaps singles everywhere. After the maddening frustration, the saving grace is that it's gonna take two doubles to score him from first.

• The catcher who is a walking health hazard. I'm only gonna say this once. To field a throw to home, stand in front of the plate, catch the ball first, then swipe. Those who stand behind the plate, then lunge onto it and into the runner are a boon to doctors' bills everywhere. (The ones who don't understand this are usually the ones two-hopping the ball back to the pitcher, as well.)

• The guy with college/minor-league experience. I used to play with/against some of the best players in Westchester County (pop. 1 million), and a few of these guys would absolutely destroy the ball, even pitches falling from a 12-foot arc. One of 'em helped us win 46-7 (for real) in a game in which we got up only four times. In another game, our opponents launched four home runs into a creek before we even batted in the bottom of the first inning. There's just no defending them. Like Dave Winfield hitting off Jimmy Kimmel in a celebrity game.

• The foreigner who overruns second base. You've seen these scocer lovers. They're in OK shape, look like they can play. The defense plays way too far back, and we get our hopes up when they beat out a 12-hopper to deep short. Then they fuck up the inning by thinking they can run past second, too, on the ensuing dunk hit by the following batter. Makes me want to pull my hair out even more than those who don't think they have to tag the runner in non-force situations, allowing a runner who should've been out by three steps to sneak a foot in.

• The bottle-necking slow chick. Much success in poorer softball games (i.e. company leagues) is attributed to errors generated by aggressive base-running. Make these fuckers throw you out — 90% of the time they won't, and 25% of the time the ball sails into the next town. Move one station at a time and you have little shot.

• The guy who takes forever during batting practice. All right, Wade Boggs, take your five cuts and grab a glove. If you fuck up the fifth miserably, feel free to take a courtesy sixth. But there are 20 people in line and no one cares if you suck and need 20 practice pitches to work on your swing. That's why you're hitting eighth.

Watching the 2005 Yankees Deserves a Height Requirement

In a Yankees season that's seen us fans experience more ups and downs than Tera Patrick in a reverse cowgirl position, I submit to you 10 reasons why watching the 2005 Yankees resembles a roller-coaster ride:

1. There's a long-ass line to get on. The Yankees are averaging a killer 49,791 fans in 61 home games, best in the majors and on pace to draw over four million for the season. Absolutely tremendous support from the fans.

2. You're so excited when you finally get moving. Remember when we opened the season with consecutive wins against the Sux? Randy dominates and Tino shines defensively in Game 1. Captain Intangibles wins Game 2 with a clutch homer. 162-0 still a possibility. The Elias Sports Bureau says those games occurred 27 years ago.

3. On that slow first climb, you think "Get me off this thing!" Ladies and gentleman, meet our 11-19 start, when we couldn't decide who was hurting the team more, a healthy Tony Womack, a healthy Bernie Williams, a healthy Jason Giambi or a healthy Carl Pavano, whose gopher balls recently cashed in their frequent flier miles for a 24-karat gold house in the Cayman Islands.

4. After the big drop, you think the worst is behind you. The Yankees followed their 11-19 start by winning 16 of 18, including a 5-1 record against Oakland — against whom they're now fighting for a playoff spot — and culminating with an electric Friday night win against the Sux, in which Gary Sheffield crushed an Alan Embree pitch that killed a fan in the left-field upper deck.

5. Unknown people are along for the ride. Before they were thrown into this mess, I'd never even heard of Robinson Cano, Chien-Ming Wang, Shawn Chacon and Aaron Small. And they've all played big roles for the highest-paid team in sports history.

6. Everyone has a different take on the situation. Some think it's a thrill-a-minute that'll end up just fine. Some think we're gonna die any second.

7. The old coasters feel like they're gonna fall apart. At one point, four of our top six starters were on the DL, and Randy was as creaky as the Cyclone. In the outfield, Bernie looks like he's two steps from the glue factory. The defense has been bad enough to hang a "DANGER: Flying Objects" sign.

8. Plenty of upside-down loops. Up is down. Down is up. The Big Unit is a model of inconsistency, but the Chien-Ming Dynasty was a rock. A-Rod's putting up MVP numbers, getting huge hits, and we're worse than last year. Jason Giambi comes back from the dead, and we're still worse than last year. Jeter can't beat out Scott Podsednik for an All-Star spot.

9. At some point, you're close to throwing up. Or, as we like to call it, games against the Devil Rays and Royals. To call them doormats would be an insult to doormats, and we're 4-12 against them.

10. In the end, you realize it was worth it. You finally wobble off the thing, check your teeth, count your limbs, fix your hair, high-five your buddy and scream, "That was fucking awesome!" Then you both lie and say you weren't scared at all. Let's see if this pans out like it should.

More Yankees Thoughts:

• Back in June, when the team was 30-32 after a 3-9 road trip, I wrote that the Yankees would probably miss the playoffs. That simply means I didn't think they had a better than 50-50 shot to either a) win the AL East or; b) finish higher than the second place finisher of each of the three divisions.

That wasn't a write-off, just a mathematical estimation.

Since then, they've been very good, going 35-22 (projects to 99 wins over 162 games). I think they've increased their chances, as the field of contenders has trimmed a bit, and the A's and Indians scare me a bit less than the Twins and O's did earlier in the season.

Better than 50-50 right now? Nah, probably right at it. The Sux aren't exactly cruising, so that's another bullet in the chamber if the other wild-card challengers stay hot.

• Before this season, I probably saw about two home runs hit off Randy Johnson in my life. Now he's given up 25, and all seemingly against "Who's He?" guys.

Batters are hitting .263 against the Big Unit. Only once since 1989 has it been higher (.280 in 18 starts in 2003), and 13 times it's been no higher than .216.

• I still root for Roger Clemens. It's amazing what he's doing. I just can't think about it too much, because then the vomit starts to rise up my throat as I think about our Game 6 and 7 starters in the ALCS last year: Jon Leiber and Kevin Brown, a couple of first-year Yanks.

• How many times do you think the YES Ultimate Road Trip crew has cursed god for making this the season they attended every game?

• Get ready for the most tense regular-season Yankees games since 1995. The Bombers made the playoffs in 2000 by only 2½ games, but they lost 15 of 18 to end the season. It was always in the bag. Last year was a battle for the AL East but we knew we'd be invited to the ball in October. This year, strap yourselves in. Three games in Oakland and six left with the Sux. Holy crap, keep the Maalox close.

• Keep hope alive. Most of all, have fun.

Is This Woman Worth 40 Goats and 20 Cows?

(This item crossed the wires when I was on vacation. It's new to me; sorry if it's old for you.)

Just when you thought Kenyan city officials weren't romantic types comes news that 36-year-old Godwin Kipkemoi Chepkurgor asked for Chelsea Clinton's hand in marriage and is still awaiting her father's decision on whether Chepkurgor's dowry of 40 goats and 20 cows is sufficient.

Mr. Clinton, who already boasts at least one beret-wearing cow in his stable, hasn't responded to the offer in the five years since it was extended. Clearly, he's giving it some serious thought.

I don't know if the odds of a boy like Chepkurgor and a girl like Clinton getting together are one in a hundred or more like one in a million, but Slick Willie's silence tells Chepkurgor there's a chance.

Today's News Links:

• Table for 'Jew' — A check presented to two diners at a Jersey Shore restaurant identified them as "Jew Couple." I would love it if someone did that to me. Throw a two-minute fit and walk out with a full belly ... on the house.

• Panic Ensues in Rush for Cheap Laptops — It's the same ol' story every time used laptops get sold for $50: people get thrown to the pavement, beaten with folding chairs, etc. Oh, and they pee their pants to keep their places in line.

• Accused Wal-Mart Shoplifter Held to Hot Pavement, Dies — Some dude tried to steal diapers and a BB gun, was held to scalding-hot pavement shirtless, then went into cardiac arrest. Let this be a lesson to you: steal shit from Target instead.

• Fisherman Dies Chasing Fish That Stole His Pole — I could write something funny to accompany this headline, but really, what the point?

• The Man Who Hacked the MoMA and the Met — Meet self-described "art terrorist" Banksy in this Wired.com feature on a man who snuck his works into four New York City museums in a single day.

• Screens From Upcoming Godfather Video Game — I can only imagine the tired headlines reviews of this thing is gonna inspire. "It's a game you can't refuse!" It's gonna be hack city.

• Rumsfeld Makes Surprise Visit to Wife's Vagina — The Onion is on the scene. "The Pentagon would not confirm a rumor that President Bush is scheduled to drop in on the vagina with a holiday turkey around Christmas."

Dead Man Blocking: Korey Stringer's Game-Used Jersey

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Korey Stringer's "game used" jersey with his own memorial patch
• Red Sux go 0-for-8 on Affleck's birthday since Good Will Hunting
• Deacon Jones, L.T., Reggie White ... Deion Sanders?
• Usual Suspects of the Men's Locker Room
• Ranking the NFL's top 50 players
• A's fans to Rafael Palmerio: "You're still the best!"
• ... and more

Link Dump: Wikipedia's Sex-Position Entries

(Before I forget, thanks to Phil Mickelson and his saggy man-tits for coming through on a 10-1 PGA Championship wager I placed in Vegas a couple of weeks ago. It was only a $10 bet, but that's a $100 bar tab Steve Wynn's gonna pick up. Thanks, man!)

Time again to clear out the links, and we start today with a great find, something I never discovered in my sixth-grade Encyclopedia Britannicas: Wikipedia's 28-article sex-position category.

I love Wikipedia, which really does aim to be a reference site of record for everyone from students to, apparently, nymphs.

They don't stop at butterflies. They give you the butterfly sex position. They don't stop at petroleum. They give you the "drilling for oil" sex position. They don't stop at the peace movement. They give you the peace-sign sex position.

Wait, it gets better.

The same site that has a several-hundred word entry on MLB utility infielder Rey Sanchez also has a several-hundred word-profile on Dirty Sanchez!

Best of all, perhaps, is this entry on the donkey punch, featuring a picture of Tony Danza, as the "move," which is accompanied by a punch to the back of a chick's head, is often followed by asking, "Who's the boss?"

(If you're the boss, get your own donkey punch t-shirt right here.)

Today's Web Finds:

• Flash Warner's Review of Comedy Central's Pam Anderson Roast — I was gonna do my own review, but it would only be a copy of hers, which is great. Go through the comments, too, as readers try to remember all the funny lines, including the most ruthless: Jeffrey Ross to Courtney Love: "How did you end up looking worse than Kurt Cobain?" Also see: N.Y. Times review of the roast.

• Britney Spears Preggo Pics on a Boat — Remember when you saw a link to Britney Spears paparazzi pictures, and you got your pants loosened before even clicking to the gallery? Man, those were the days. For now, enjoy throwing up. (Found on Gorilla Mask.)

• Guess Which Movie — See if you can identify 20 movies by viewing only one still from each. I got six, which is damn good considering I saw maybe two.

• Top 10 Sexiest Album Covers — This list is from a male perspective. Obviously, since Nicole Eggert on all fours is No. 1. That's my choice, too. (But hey, if you're a woman who's into that, call me!) Anyway, maybe you chicks can comment on your top-10 sexiest covers. Maybe Rolling Stones' Sticky Fingers is up there. Or Bruce Springsteen's Born in the U.S.A.

• Google Search: PBase.com's Fantasy Fest Galleries — I used this link to help convince a friend to share my condo for Key West's Fantasy Fest in October. It worked.

• Blogrolling.com Hot 500 — The top 500 links being displayed by Blogrolling users. Someone will have to write what it is about the Internet that makes politics the most widely discussed and read (not viewed; that's porn) topic. Unless you think politics is as huge in newspapers, on radio and TV. But I think it gets much stiffer competition from sports, music and everything on HBO.

• Girl Fight! — A Flash game that allows you to box against — and beat the absolute hell out of — chicks like Paris Hilton and J. Lo. Damn, this thing is way overdue. (Thanks, Zuba)

• Idle Currents — A plug for a PK.com reader who's got an Onion-style blog going. A lot of these headlines are great. Like "Grandmother Credits MySpace for DiCaprio Romance" and "New Morning Show to Be Exactly Like Stern Show, Only Without Stern."

Review: Madden NFL 06 for Playstation 2

By all accounts, Madden NFL 06 is the most realistic, most feature-packed football video game ever produced. Yet, for the first time, the series is taking some flak from gamers who recognize 90% of the 06 edition as last year's most realistic, most feature-packed football video game ever produced.

Jump the shark, anyone? (Probably not, because I expect a leap of a different kind when Playstation 3 and Xbox 360 come out.)

Due to exclusivity rights, this is the first year the Madden franchise has no competition from other titles featuring real NFL teams and players. And, to a degree, it shows. The new features are uninspiring. And, knowing that most customers own previous versions, developers should feel more obligated to replace old and unpopular features with new ones.

Still, if you're an NFL nut like me, a charter member of the Madden cult who buys only a few new titles a year, it's must-have. They could picture Carrot Top masturbating on the cover, give the Giants a 24 rating and make Richard Simmons one of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders and I'd still buy it.

My thoughts on the new stuff:

• QB Vision Control: The most-hyped new aspect of the game, and no one's really sure why we needed it or if it even makes the game better. Didn't we already have accuracy ratings? Wasn't it already hard to complete passes if the QB wasn't set and facing the intended receiver? Now you have to drop back 20 yards to have time to check off a couple of times. How's that realistic?

• QB Precision Placement: Allows you to lead receivers, throw high, low to to inside or outside shoulders. I'll get back to you in six months when I get this to work.

• Truck Stick: I never understood why they took away a runner's option to lower his shoulder in the first place. That and the high step.

• NFL Superstar Mode: Well, I created a Giants No. 23 running back named Paul Katcher last year, so I don't know how this is much of an addition unless you count answering 30 phone calls from Terrell Davis and being signed by agent Jason Morales who "will take anyone at this point" progress.

Other thoughts:

• The worst part of the Madden franchise is Madden himself. How can this thing gross more than a Hollywood blockbuster and we still have to listen to stupid analysis like, "Tell your line to protect here. Tell your line to protect every play, not just here."

• You know what would be better? Maguire NFL 07. I'm a tell ya what, that would be a hilarious game. Get Mike Patrick to gush over offensive linemen that cleared the way for a three-yard stumble and Joe Theismann to offer such analysis as, "If the Broncos want to win this game, they're gonna have to prevent Peyton Manning from throwing five touchdowns again."

• Madden cards. Is there a more ignored feature in the history of video games? Do the EA Sports interns get assigned updating this crap every spring? Is there a $1 bet between EA Sports execs (a la Randolph and Mortimer Duke) to see if someone will be the first person to ever use the Couch Potato card?

• Is there anything more annoying than getting called for a 5-yard offsides penalty because your fat defensive lineman can't get back across the line in time for a hurry-up play?

• Almost nobody likes the new QB Vision Control. Yet, almost nobody turns it off in the gameplay settings. Shows you what kind of sheep we are.

• Nice to see that fumbling on 95% of punt returns is gone. How much in-house testing did Madden 2005 get? Like two series?

• Sacks all, folks. I've spent more time on my back in 06 than a sorority pledge with a drinking problem.

• If anyone can send me visual proof of an end around gaining positive yards — hell, even better than minus-5 — I'll add you to my will.

Madden NFL 06 Links:

• Metacritic.com Reviews — An aggregate of ratings and links to reviews by major video game media sources.

• All 32 Team Ratings — How the teams have been ranked in Madden, on a score fromm 1-100 in offense (Indianapolis 99/Cleveland 62), defense (New England 96/Cleveland 60) and overall (New England 97/Cleveland 61).

• Custom Box Covers — I don't know what's worse. Being a Cleveland fan and not seeing any options for your team, or being a fan of this listed squad: "Cincinntti Bengals."

• Team Rosters and Player Ratings — How in the world is Jeremy Shockey (93) a better tight end than Tiki Barber (92) is a running back?

• Madden 06 Strategy Discussion — Good, busy forum, with helpful tips.

Letterman Top Ten: Yanks Fan Gets TKOed by Gravity

Top Ten Things Going Through This Guy's Mind At This Moment

10. "Thought the third base coach was giving me the 'jump' sign"

9. "Will I get to watch the end of the game in my jail cell?"

8. "Figured I'd beat the traffic"

7. "If I had a girlfriend, she'd be impressed"

6. "I'm sure Steinbrenner won't mind"

5. "If Marv Albert uses this, I hope he adds a comical 'bong!'"

4. "Giambi said that stuff he gave me would make me fly"

3. "I hope they do some funny jokes about this on Leno!"

2. "I wonder if the newspaper will refer to me as a 'moron' or an 'idiot'"

1. "If a drunken stooge can't disgrace himself at sporting events, then the terrorists have won"

Bonehead Fan Links:

• Friends Say Tumble Into Spotlight Just His Speed
• He's Top-Flight Moron
• Video of Effect of Beers on 18-Year-Olds

(Thanks, Pee Wee, for the list.)

No, You Don't Play for the Packers (And Other Random Thoughts)

• I love surveying the jersey of choice by fans at sporting events. Every now and then you might see a Hideki Irabu pop up at Yankee Stadium. (I try to have these people escorted out immediately.) Giants Stadium is filled with fat men stuffed into 15-year-old shirts, like a No. 74 Erik Howard I saw two seasons ago.

The ones that should be punishable by law, however, are the personalized jerseys with legendary numbers and some assclown's name on the back. Like a Packers No. 4 with ABRAMOWITZ. Desecration of the highest order.

• I have a question for dog owners. Would you let a human being who's taken 12 craps between showers, without wiping his ass, sit on your couch?

• There is absolutely no middle ground with Jewish food. On one hand, you have your Romanian steaks with garlic, toasted bagels with lox and cream cheese, the best hot dogs anywhere. Totally awesome stuff. And then you have your pickled herring, tongue, and club sandwiches with chopped liver, onion and hard-boiled eggs. All of a sudden it's a menu for Fear Factor.

Same with Tommy Hilfiger apparel. Goes from way cool to solid orange pants in one rack.

• Dating a U.S. president's daughter sounds fun, but ya gotta think the sex totally sucks.

• I didn't see the obit FOX News did on Peter Jennings, but I imagine it went something like this: "A respected American journalist who would've never, ever worked for this operation died today at age 67."

• Some piss-drunk dude sang Billy Joel's Miami 2017 at karaoke a few weeks ago and dedicated it to the memory of those lost on 9/11. Thanks, liquorhead, I'm sure it means a lot.

• You don't see a lot of chicks with one arm. Seems to be more of a guy thing.

• I will now list the advantages of blow dryers over paper towels in bathrooms.

1.
2.
3.

• One day I'll have to do a list of potential celebrity sex tapes that would shut down the Internet for a month, and right now I've got Paris Hilton's mom moving up the ladder.

• People who use excessive exclamation points and question marks in e-mails scare the shit out of me!!!!! And what the fuck......is with the ellipses......some nimrods insist on using....between thoughts?????? MAKES THE ALL CAPS PSYCHOS SEEN NORMAL!!!!!

Get Baked With Donnie Baseball

Wednesday's writings can be found on SportsByBrooks.com, where you can read up on:

• Don Mattingly's recipe for "Little League Cookies"
• NBA.com promotes Palace at the Malace aftermath
• Bud Light "Real Men of Genius" audio archive
• Texas Tech bell ringer/masturbator
• eBay listings of Roid Juice
• ... and more

Personal Record for Lewdest Comment to Old Lady: I'm hanging out downtown watching the Yanks when a 72-year-old grandmother walks in with her daughter, her son-in-law and granddaughter. She was hammered, told me her age and remarked at the size of the big-screen TV. "I've never seen one that big," she said. I replied with the obvious: "I bet you say that to all the guys."

Good enough to to stir some buzz across the bar. She didn't appear to catch the joke, but she did knock over a chair in the ninth inning.

Now, If You'll Excuse Me: Like the rest of sophisticated world, I have about 12 straight hours of Madden NFL 06 to play. Catch ya on the flip side.

Brits Fight for Their Right to Cleavage

Ever since we laid the smackdown on Britain's candy ass in the Revolutionary War — thanks for wearing easy-to-spot red coats against snow-white backdrops, ol' chaps! — Americans have had a good relationship with those jolly good fellows across the Atlantic.

And in the spirit of that comraderie — one that has seen us collaborate on everything from the demise of Hitler to the evolution of rock 'n' roll to the ridicule of the French — I implore all Americans to support British barmaids as they fight against a sinister evil disguised as a health ordinance.

That's right, low-cut tops on the job are under attack as chicken-littles cite skin-cancer concern when lovelies sashay outside to collect empty pint glasses while showing off their twin peaks.

I say, "Let There Be Cleavage!" and I ask all PK.com readers to back The Sun's Save Our Jugs campaign by tipping heavily to all barmaids who stare down such attacks with guns blazin' and headlights on full bright.

Today's Web Finds:

• Beth Geisel Page on RateMyTeacher.com — Generally positive reviews, as expected, for the Albany teacher who allegedly shagged an under-age student in the press box of the school's football field and looks mighty fine in her mugshot. Hot for teacher, indeed.

• Elizabeth Hurley Topless Pics in Capri — This chick is the best. She's never done Playboy, kept her clothes on in Austin Powers, yet she's topless on every boat she boards. It's almost like she won't take her top off unless there are paparazzi nearby to leak photos on the 'Net.

• Robery Novak Walks Off Set of CNN's Inside Politics — I don't know political sparring partners don't come to blows on these shows. You know it's coming someday. For now, enjoy seeing an old man gettin' all pissy and walking off the set like a 16-year-old girl.

• Our Articulate President — Comedy Central's video compilation of Bushisms, with hilarious commentary from Andy Dick. "If you don't stand for something, you don't stand for anything!" "Fool me once, shame on you ... fool me, we can't get fooled again!"

• The Farmer Sutra — A funny little cartoon, compliments of Shumpy.

• True Confessions of a Strip Club Bouncer — This blog's just getting going, but it's got all the makings of a hit. Strippers + Secrets = Traffic.

• Ten Mistakes Writers Don't See (But Can Easily Fix When They Do) — If you're one of the six people on the Internet who can actually craft a succinct sentence, you can skip this one.

• How I Stopped an Internet Sex Hoax — Cyrus Farivar shares with Slate how he busted that Greenlighting thing I wrote about last month. (Thanks, Larry)

• 50 People Who Need a Serious Beating — Mostly usual suspects. ESPN keeps feeding us Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless, and I can see them ranking pretty high on lists like this for a long, long time.

Review: Wedding Crashers

I have this friend I play softball with. She told me Wedding Crashers was "amazing." Guess who's got an ass-kicking coming as soon as Tuesday?

This chick flick masquerades as a raucous booze-and-sex comedy, but it's little more than a $10.75 castration, the first movie to inspire me to pull my shirt over my head, just so I wouldn't be able to see the screen.

Airplane! was a comedy. The Naked Gun was a comedy. Office Space was a comedy. Old School, American Pie, Caddyshack, all comedies. Dumb & Dumber, a work of art.

Wedding Crashers, however, doesn't know whether it wants to be a Saturday Night Live sketch or a light-hearted episode of Oprah that women love and men are left to wretch over a toilet.

Trim about 30 minutes of sap from this two-hour pile of bullcrap — perfect for amnesiacs who don't remember old jokes — and you might get as much humor as from a half-hour episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Bonus points for some hot pieces of ass, at least.

In Five Words or Less: No Male Could Like This

Wedding Crashers Links:

• Rachel McAdams Photo Gallery — Almost 200 pics of the chick who played Claire Cleary, including a bunch of topless screen grabs from My Name is Tanino, whatever the hell that is.

• Metacritic.com Reviews — A composite of reviews from major media outlets, including some who don't pander to Hollywood for access and thus can give an honest assessment of "blah." Not talking about you, Entertainment Weekly.

• RottenTomatoes.com Reviews — More snippets of reviews, including John Wirt, of the Advocate (Baton Rouge, La.), who writes that "Wedding Crashers is American Pie for grownups." Well, good for the grownups. American Pie 3 — when all the jokes are supposed to be tapped — is a thousand times funnier than this.

• Stuff: Girls of Wedding Crashers — Photoshoot with some chicks from the movie. But I think they had like nine seconds of screen time combined.

Review: Contiki Wild Western Group Tour

In a period of less than 12 hours on July 23 — working on about three hours' sleep after a late-night, pool-side drink-up in Scottsdale and a 4:45 a.m. wake-up call — I almost puked aboard a hot-air balloon drifting 4,000 feet above Phoenix, took a guided Jeep tour through the red rocks of Sedona and stood at the south rim of the Grand Canyon.

That half-day best sums up the Contiki Wild Western group-tour experience for 18-to-35-year-olds, a two-week whirlwind of partying, natural beauty, exhaustion and, most of all, fun.

You've seen the itinerary. You've viewed my 197 photos. Now for some quick hits.

The Group: This collection of 50 Aussies, Kiwis, Brits, Scots, Canadians, Germans, Koreans and Americans was a major step above those on the European Magic tour last year. We had a sampling of cool cats, decent-looking broads, gregarious goofs and good-natured ditzes, along with still way too many people who said maybe 10 words the entire trip.

We hit a couple of peaks together, partying at the VooDoo Lounge atop the Rio in Las Vegas and on a booze cruise at Bass Lake following an afternoon at Yosemite. I'd say the group enjoyed each other's company most on those occasions, before things kinda deteriorated toward the end, as the loss of departed tour mates in Vegas and 'Frisco, as well as fatigue, made for less-than-inspiring group interaction in San Francisco and Santa Barbara.

Grand Canyon: A spell-binding, natural cavity. A seemingly unending abyss of mystery. Like the space between Manny Ramirez's ears.

Within five seconds of standing at the south rim, I wanted to call everyone I knew to say, "You have to see this before you die." Don't believe this sarcastic pic of me looking unimpressed. It's right up there with New York and Paris as places you absolutely have to experience, of course on different levels. New York for the vitality. Paris for the history and art. Grand Canyon for the humbling, jaw-dropping view.

Along with a dozen others, I forked over $400 to helicopter down to the bottom (a mile deep) and hike for a couple of miles down to waterfalls where we took a dip. Best money I ever spent. Just can't put a price on it.

And yet, the Canyon now ranks atop my list of Places You Absolutely Don't Want to Have to Take a Shit, supplanting any sports stadium. There's almost nothing man-made down there. A few dilapidated buildings for Indians who enjoy living in a hole that's 20-30 degrees hotter than at the rim, and maybe four Port-A-Johns. For miles. And you don't want to be descending deep trails or climbing back up while brewing butt coffee. (Not that this was an issue for me. Just something I think about when traversing one of the planet's natural wonders.)

No, Alcatraz Wasn't Named After Al Capone: An Aussie chick actually asked me about this, then contended it wasn't a stupid question. I'll let you be the judge.

My Friends Are Pervs: Not one, but two, called me on the road to make sure I visited a live-sex showplace in San Francisco. Missed it, boys.

A Record That Will Stand Forever: Having taken a beating playing Up the River, Down the River with Champagne, our Bass Lake chalet party host walked face-first into a glass sliding door not once, not twice, but thrice. It was like watching Joe DiMaggio in the summer of '41 or Secretariat in '73. The chick was in a zone, man.

The Gayest Moment of My Life: Night two, San Diego. Karaoke night. I'm invited by a tour member to do a duet. It's early in the trip, and I want to seem a willing participant of all group activities, so I agree. Then I hear the word that gives me the hives: Grease. Mind you, I'm with a mostly-female group who actually watched Dirty Dancing on the coach without plotting the murder or our otherwise totally cool tour manager. So I sang ... Jesus, I can't believe I'm admitting this ... Summer Fucking Nights, including that squeal at the end. I'm calling the bar tomorrow to get my nuts back. I was also singing Glory Days when Vladimir Guerrero hit a grand slam to beat the Yankees. Watching the TV at the time, my "singing" went something like this: Just sitting back trying to recapture ... NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Coach Breaks Down in Searchlight, Nevada: If you're gonna be stranded somewhere for a couple of hours, it might as well be at a bar/casino with $1 beers and a $1 minimum bet in blackjack. Too bad there were no nearby rivers to dump the bodies of my three playing partners who had absolutely no idea what they were doing — they stuck on 14s and 15s against 10s, failed to double 11s under any circumstances, hit on a hard 17 (for real!) and fucked up a bunch of my $10 hands, including three on one deal after I split a trio of 8s and was waiting for the dealer to bust. Einstein on the end took the dealer's bust card, probably hitting on 15 against a 6. I don't remember; my mind was clouded with murderous thoughts. I wouldn't have felt as bad if he recognized at all that he just killed the whole table — again.

Rating the Movies on the Coach:

• Old School: If it didn't rip-off equally from Fast Times, Animal House, Back to School and Revenge of the Nerds, it would be an all-time classic.
• American Wedding: Wake up, flower fuckers, this one's awesome. I saw the public hair on the wedding cake coming a mile away and still couldn't stop laughing. (.wav files of memorable quotes)
• Mean Girls: Some funny parts, but what's a movie aimed at jailbait doing on a bus of mostly 20-somethings?
• Anchorman: Absolute crime against comedy, the cannonball line aside.
• Dirty Dancing: Couldn't look at the screen — or any person watching this shit — without throwing up.

Favorite Parts of the Trip: Exploring the Grand Canyon by day, playing guitar around our lodges at night. Just about everything in Las Vegas — partying at VooDoo Lounge, pulling all-nighter and swigging Red Bull and whiskey at 7:30 a.m. coach departure, our Elvis-presided-over wedding, the Freemont Street light show, Splash, dinner at Pink Taco in the Hard Rock. Booze cruise and drinking games at Bass Lake. Shooting the Golden Gate Bridge, visiting Alcatraz and eating lobster bisque in a sourdough bread bowl in San Francisco. Dick's, dollar beers and Sea World in San Diego. Beers and tequila shots in Tijuana. Shopping (and beers) in Santa Barbara. Awesome eats in Los Angeles, compliments of Brooks.

Least Favorite Parts of the Trip: Coming this close to booting and passing out in the hot-air balloon in Phoenix after suffering from lack of sleep and food while standing 4,000 feet above ground and two feet below a massively hot and loud flame. Hitting a wall in San Francisco after rocking for 10 straight days. Lame turnout for our pool party in Scottsdale. Too many too-quiet tour mates. But the pros far, far outweighed the cons, and I'm even glad I did the balloon ride, when I snapped some of the best pics of the trip.

In Five Words or Less: Great Trip. Bring a Friend

Photos: Contiki Wild Western Tour

This album is huge: 197 strong, and for a few reasons.

First, I want to show off my brand-new second chin. (I think my gym card is around here somwhere.) Second, there are a lot more "friends forever" photos that are up not for your benefit — 'cause what do you care? — but for my fellow tour members. Third, a lot of these shots — especially those from the Grand Canyon — are too good to throw away, or risk being lost by computer virus, so I uploaded them to Fotki.com for posterity.

Anyhoo, enjoy them, even though they're not yet completely in chronological order. Below are some highlights (not including those posted peviously).

Beware of eyes that look too black after red-eye correction. Oh, and the reason I look like I'm about to shit my pants in the photo above was because I was. Do you see a railing?

Tip: Click inside each photo to go to the next one.

• Me showing muscle at Muscle Beach

• Me with Jim Gray's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame

• Bunch of peeps feeding dolphins at San Diego's Sea World

• Shamu (one of four) showing ups at Sea World

• Hot-air balloon ready for take-off in Phoenix

• My best pic from at Sedona

• Me pretending to be unimpressed with Grand Canyon

• Sick-ass pic from helicopter into Grand Canyon

• Birthplace of Route 66

• Pieces of ass at Studio 54 in Las Vegas

• Golden Gate Bridge span

• Unreal view at Yosemite

• Alcatraz: The Rock

• Me taking a piss at Alcatraz

• Spooky-ass rec yard at Alcatraz

• 'Boarder gets air in Santa Barbara

• Looking good at 6 a.m. at the Bellagio, with the rich mo-fo who bought us drinks forever

All Right, Bitches, I'm Back

After two weeks on the road at such locales as Los Angeles, Anaheim, San Diego, Tijuana, Phoenix, Scottsdale, Sedona, Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, Bass Lake, Yosemite National Park, San Francisco and Santa Barbara, I'm back in the Big Apple, tired as hell.

A nap and a softball game loom, so check back late Wednesday, when I hope to be done editing more than 600 pictures. Here's a preview of some kick-ass ones:

(Update: The complete, 197-photo album is up.)

Look for a full trip report by the end of the week.