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Review:Oscars 2005 (a.k.a. Hollywood Masturbation Night)

A friend called it The Super Bowl for Women, and with all the girls yapping at the Upper East Side apartment party I attended, I'd say he was right on. Next year the over-under on chicks yelling, "I love her!" while dipping strawberries in melted chocolate is 425.

Here's what I took from the evening:

• Is it just me, or does Adam Duritz from the Counting Crows look like the Hawaiian Punch guy?

• I don't know if anyone does lists of Top Dead-Person Roll Calls in Oscar History, but this one reminded me of the 1983 NFL Draft. A Hall of Fame class that included Marlon Brando, Rodney Dangerfield, Tony Randall, Christopher Reeve, Janet Leigh and Ronald Reagan. Not to mention Johnny Carson, a former host who got his own tribute earlier in the evening. Across the country, 84,325 people punched their tickets to hell by uttering the words "dead pool" during the segment.

• Whoopi Goldberg called Carson "a bridge between old and new Hollywood." I'm not sure what connection she had with "Carnac the Magnificent" but Whoopi looked like a bridge between a punch-drunk boxer and a guy who looted a thrift shop.

• Seeing Jamie Foxx with that temporary tattoo on his head on the biggest night of his life reminded me of when Richard Hamilton shined during the 2004 NBA playoffs wearing that hideous facemask. Talk about bad timing. Check out this Art.com link: Who's gonna buy a print of Rip lookin' like he just got out of plastic surgery?

• These things made me laugh out loud:
- "When he's not dazzling us with his acting, he's boring us with his politics. Tim Robbins."
- "Please welcome comedy superstar Jeremy Irons."
- Chris Rock and Adam Sandler parodying an awkward Oscar presentation.
- Rock interviewing black movie-goers about their preferences, obviously making the point that these are The White Movie Awards.
- (I pretty much missed the political stuff in the beginning. Thought it started at 9 p.m.)

• Whatever side of the bed Sean Penn woke up on Sunday, he should try the other one. Rock bashed himself most of all in his monologue, yet Penn felt compelled to object to his comedy bit later on. Probably wasn't the first time that someone missed the "just kidding" part of Rock's act. I'm sure he knows how to handle it by now.

• Al Pacino looked like someone woke him up 10 minutes before he was due on stage.

• I didn't watch any of E! and I already know Johnny Depp was picked as Worst Dressed.

• I know most everyone was thinking, "Jesus, Beyonce again?" But Sunday was a huge night for her, no doubt. Don't hate the player, hate the game, and while we might scratch our heads as to why she was trotted out there time and again, she did great. Might as well rename Destiny's Child to Stepping Stone right about now.

• Jay-Z at the Academy Awards I can see. Martin Scorsese at the Source Awards? Not so much.

• Did anyone watch Steve Wynn's commercial for his namesake hotel and not think of Donald Trump? They're the only two guys in the world whom you could tell to go fuck themselves and they'd get a hard-on.

• They have an award for Best Sound Mixing and Best Sound Editing? That's like the Red Sox handing out team awards for Biggest Prick and Biggest Douchebag.

• At least Carlos Santana wore his nicest sweatshirt. Did anyone else think his duet with Antonio Banderas with the beginning to an Energizer commercial? I kept waiting for that bunny to come across the screen.

• Imagine the shock when we were told that Hillary Swank was the first woman to be nominated for an Oscar in the role of a boxer. Next thing you're gonna tell me is that Paris Hilton is the first chicken-legged billionaire heiress to be seen having sex all over the Internet.

My Year in Review

Today last year, on the day before I turned 31, I gave myself a unique birthday present — temporary retirement. Before I'd ever seen Office Space, I was telling people, "I just don't feel like going to work anymore."

There was never a time at work when I didn't want to be somewhere else doing something else.

So I did these things instead (with pics, where applicable):

1. I saw Paris from atop of Eiffel Tower.
2. I rode on a gondola in Venice.
3. I got caught in a rainstorm in London, then headed to a pub.
4. I smoked pot in Amsterdam.
5. I ate chocolate in Belgium.
6. I toasted new friends in a centuries-old wine cellar along the Rhine River.
7. I drank liters of beer in Munich.
8. I stood atop a 6,000-foot mountain in Switzerland.
9. I ate lunch with Austrian mountains in the backdrop.
10. I was entertained by strippers in Montreal.
11. I cooled out in the Bahamas.
12. I did shots at a nude pool bar in Jamaica.
13. I kayaked in Key West.
14. I saw live bands in Nashville.
15. I lost my shirt in Las Vegas — twice.
16. I made my maiden trip to Baltimore's Camden Yards.
17. I saw Eli Manning's first career start against Michael Vick.
18. I went to a bar to see the Yankees open the 2004 season at 5 a.m.
19. I helped TIME magazine win a softball championship on Central Park's Great Lawn.
20. I saw a woman sing Love Gun with a strap-on.
21. I saw two Senior Day basketball games at Syracuse University (One | Two).
22. I saw an Army-Navy football game in Philadelphia.
23. I drank my last beer at NYC's Village Idiot.
24. I walked through Central Park in a blizzard.
25. I played in softball, football, basketball, dodgeball and pool leagues. Got a summer house on the Jersey Shore. Stayed out till 4 a.m. on weekdays; slept till noon every day. Wrote for ESPN.com. Gave out $1,500 worth of PK.com T-shirts. Lived in the greatest city in the world. Made more new friends than I could count.

And those are only the things I can talk about.

Most of the time, I write for you. This one's for me. I think I took 10 years off my life during the past 12 months, but it was worth more than spending 48 weeks at at desk. When my father passed away in 2003, I wrote, "I've lived a life so blessed it's almost embarrassing." I brought my pop's memory to every place I visited. 'Cause I wouldn't have gotten there without him.

Photos: Syracuse Seniors Go Out in Style

Light snow fell on a typically gloomy February afternoon in Syracuse on Saturday, but the day couldn't have been more perfect as 32,804 fans — including me and a fellow alum from New York City — packed the Carrier Dome to say goodbye to three senior champions and to cheer on a future Hall of Fame coach in his quest for win No. 700.

(See some not-so-great pictures from the game.)

If you had to script Senior Day, it would go something like this:

The Crowd Would Be Hyped: The second-largest crowd to see a college basketball game this season (second only to the record-breaking 33,199 who attended the Carrier Dome on Feb. 5 against Notre Dame) assured Syracuse of leading the nation in average attendance, wresting the crown from Kentucky. (The Wildcats had held that title nine years running after we'd led the previous 11, including my four years as a student.)

See video of packed house chanting "Let's go Orange!" (3.2MB) (Sorry for the shaky camera-work, as well as missing out on the game's loudest moments. But SU alums should experience a warm flashback.)

The Senior Class Would Shine: Three starters — Hakim Warrick, Josh Pace and Craig Forth — played their final home games, and each played fantastic. Warrick, a serious contender for Big East Player of the Year, upped his career-high in scoring for the third time in five games, finishing with 36. He canned 12 of 13 free throws, an Achilles Heel earlier this season. Pace had 11 points, 9 rebounds and 5 assists in his role as guy-who-can-do-absolutely-everything-but-hit-jump-shots. And even Craig Forth pumped in 6 points in 19 minutes, including a late-game alley-oop that brought the house down — simply because the 7-footer sometimes struggles to convert the easy ones.

We'd Get a Blowout: On Senior Day, the crowd's ready and willing to show the love during late-game substitutions. The players make 'em able. And so, with the game out of reach with a couple of minutes left, Jim Boeheim was able to pull out, one-by-one, Pace, Warrick and Forth, respectively, to thunderous ovations. They deserved it. All three are 2003 national champions, and all three will graduate in May.

Teammates, Too, Would Salute The Seniors: Junior Gerry McNamara, our second-leading scorer, took only nine shots to finish with 14 points and 10 assists. With the game's outcome hardly in doubt, G-Mac passed up shot after shot to get the seniors the ball in great position to make plays that would bring the crowd to its feet. And when we rose and cheered the senior slams and jams, we acknowledged Gerry's awareness of the situation. No wonder Boeheim made certain to sub out McNamara by himself so he, too, could receive deserving applause.

The Coach Would Celebrate a Milestone: The win marked No. 700 for Boeheim, a guy who's been on the Syracuse head coach since I was a tyke. No longer viewed as a whiny nerd, he's simply one of the most consistent winners in the history of college basketball. A former Orangemen himself (back when there were Orangemen), Jimmy B. could walk on water in that town. Snow counts, right?

Other Notes From the Weekend:

Wacky Store Names Spotted: Sheetz gasoline, Harlem World (fear of a black restaurant?) and the all-time best, The Donut Connection (Someday we'll find it/The Donut Connection/The crullers, the creamers and me!). Didn't catch the name of the porn shop that advertised on a big outdoor marquee "Paris Hilton DVD Now on Sale!" It wasn't Adult World, familiar to those who've cruised Erie Boulevard. It was in Pennsylvania, but we wondered, "Who's stopping their cars to pay money for that more than a year after everyone else downloaded it for free?"

What Happened to the Bar Scene? On Friday night we went to Lucy's (formerly The Olive and the Orange, formerly Bugsy's) and it was dead. Went to Feagan's, which was also dead, though they still close the night with Frank Sinatra's My Way. Still, I can't remember ever seeing those bars dead on a Friday night.

Student Enthusiasm: Jimmy B. addressed the crowd after win No. 700 and thanked the students for "coming back the last couple of years." They were tremendous, filling the lower section behind the SU basket and never sitting down. Only problem: they chant, to Gary Glitter's Rock 'n' Roll Part II, "You suck! You suck! Go SU! We're gonna kick the shit out of you!" That's pretty pathetic in a town that carries itself with a great deal of class — a lot of SU passion, but not unhealthy obsession. Lots of kids and families who don't benefit from that stuff.

Elsewhere:

• Orange Juice Weblog on the Game
• SU Alum Amy's Take

Beat My Score: Walk the Drunk Home

It's time for another edition of Beat My Score, known 'round these parts as "writer's block."

Anyway, the game today is one you might be familiar with: Walk the Drunk Home. The object is to sway said drunk from left to right without toppling him over. Think of it as Ace Frehley connected to a computer mouse.

The score to beat is 83 meters.

Post your score in the comments section to receive all the accolades and good fortune that come with winning such a prestigious contest.

Playing 'Regular Blog' for a Day

I've been pretty busy doing freelance work this week — you'll reap some benefits on Friday — and my eyes are gonna explode if I spend much more time at the computer. So I think I'll mail this post in and just answer some Friday Five questions. I don't know why anyone would care about the answers if you didn't know me, but here goes:

(BTW, I'm picking only selected questions, because a lot of them are totally stupid. Who could possibly care what kind of shoe I would look like? Who needs to know these things?)

Is there ever a dish/food or dessert you wanted to try but never had the opportunity, what is it?
No, I live in New York. Is there supposed to be some kind of food we don't have here, like fried donkey balls or something?

Would you rather live in a world with or without technology such as computers, cars, airplanes, bombs?
Oh yeah, I really long to live in the olden days, without bathroom plumbing, anaesthesia and online porn. Sounds like a blast.

If you had to live without either heating in your house or air conditioning, which one would you keep?
I'd move to San Diego like anyone with half a brain.

What is your favorite car story, be it an accident, road trip, etc?
Men who've driven female passengers should have only one answer to this question, and it doesn't involve an accident as long as they can keep their eyes on the road.

Would you consider leaving your body to medical science?
Absolutely. When I go to that big Yankee Stadium in the sky, you can take whatever you want. My body's not gonna do anybody any good rotting in a box.

The split second before you're about to die, time stops and you can accomplish one last task before the end. What is it?
Pissing on Fenway Park.

If you were a book, would you read yourself?
No, but if I were a basketball, I'd play with myself.

What was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to you?
"Fuck me."

What is your opinion on karma?
I don't believe in karma as much as believe in developing habits. So sometimes you go out of your way to do the right things, because then you'll develop a habit of doing the right things without much thought. And the inverse holds true, of course.

How has luck/chance/facts-of-life/God/karma/nature treated you so far?
I think if anyone ever hears me complain about my life, then they should slap me. I've got the tools to whatever I want; the rest is up to me. (Not that I'm doing much, but I'm just saying.)

What is the best dessert you've ever had?
Chick with whipped cream and chocolate syrup. (Actually, it was kinda sticky. I don't really recommend it.)

How many times do you hit the snooze button before getting out of bed?
None. Except when I have a flight to catch, I don't set an alarm.

What do you look for in a mate?
Confidence, honesty, creativity, passion, thoughtfulness, humility, diversity and an obscene level of horniness.

Barry Bonds Ups the Ante on His Legacy

Bonds' defiant press conference Tuesday (transcript) did little to sway the court of public opinion — federal investigations carry a lot of weight, ya know — but it gave a great indication of how he plans to play this game.

Bonds is all in.

Pete Rose went all in when he refused to show contrition when interviewed by Jim Gray before Game 2 of the 1999 World Series, when he said he would not admit something that didn't happen, when a warm reception indicated that the public was willing to forgive and forget.

Pete Rose lost his bet, and the price was the Hall of Fame. There was no re-buy.

Years from now, we might look back on Bonds' Tuesday press conference as a moment in which he, too, cost himself a plaque in Cooperstown. The river card has yet to be turned, and the feds are dealing. Only question is, Are the feds looking to bust only BALCO, or will they go after Bonds et. al?

Snippets from Bonds' Q&A with a less-than-adoring media:

"You know, the part that I lose sleep over is my family and my family and my kids and what pain — which I say — should I blame you guys for it? There's no facts on Barry Bonds, but should I blame you? Who should I blame? Who should I blame for the things that go on that my kids have to listen to, who should I blame?"

"You guys, it's like, what, I mean, you can't — it's almost comical, basically. I mean, we've got alcohol that's the No. 1 killer in America and we legalize that to buy in the store. You've got, you know, you've got tobacco number two, three killer in America, we legalize that. There's other issues."

"But, things that happen in sports, in all sorts of sports, it's time to move on. Every time there has been incident, it has been corrected and now that it's being corrected, I think we need to go forward, move forward, let it go. Y'all stop watching Red Foxx in rerun shows and let's go ahead and let the program work and allow us to do our job."

Columns on Bonds' Press Conference:

• Stark: He Just Doesn't Get It
• Donovan: Sure, Barry, Blame the Media
• Photos: Bonds Through the Years

Will add more as I find interesting takes.

Nightmare Alert: The 'One Day at a Time' Reunion

Thank god I have a basketball game Tuesday night at 9 p.m. and no Tivo. That means I have no chance of stumbling across CBS' reunion show of One Day at a Time, which I ranked almost three years ago (we're going on five here) as the worst TV show ever, beating out the likes of Cop Rock, Shop at Home and the XFL.

While I won't be around to see the show, I do have some predictions on what the cast is up to these days:

Ann Romano: Still acting as the feminist agent of change in the capital of social progress, Indianapolis. Among her sage advice to fellow mothers: allow your horny handyman easy access to your apartment and teen-aged daughters any time of day or night. And, of course, she hasn't gotten laid since 1974.

Barbara Cooper: No doubt a MILF teaching 11th grade math to boys with erections under their desks.

Julie Cooper: Well, I was gonna say drugged out and depressed after living two more decades of being "the ugly sister," but judging from that photo up there, she roared back to be quite fetching. Then again, there is some conflicting evidence of that. So we'll go with drugged-out, divorced but doable-on-only a-few-beers real-estate broker.

Dwayne Schneider: Surprisingly not dead of lung cancer, chain-smoking Schneider is still doing what he does best — trying to catch 15-year-old girls in their bathrobes and, of course, unclogging other people's toilets. He was inducted into the Handyman Hall of Fame in 1998.

When did One Day at a Time Jump the Shark? If you ask me, starting on Day One for One Day. First, women's lib and comedy don't mix. Second, how can you have a show about women being on their own when Schneider did all the work and provided all the comedy?

Here's what others had to say about when the show started to tank:

"When Glen Scarpelli joined the cast. He thought he was Adrian Zmed, but he wasn't. He couldn't have carried Grease 2 like Zmed did. Schneider didn't need some bratty sidekick to screw up his chances to get some women. And you know that Schneider could get women with that tool belt. It implied that he had a big tool and knew how to use it."

"The first time Ms. Romano appeared sans bra. Man, would somebody buy that woman a bra? While the show was tolerable the first couple of seasons, if anyone can honestly say they are able to sit through an episode nowadays, well, can you say 'braindead'?"

"This show had so many Jump the Shark moments, I'm surprised it didn't turn into one giant piece of shark feces by about 1983. For one thing, it had way too many serious twists and turns for a sitcom. I don't watch sitcoms for any kind of social awareness or moral value. I watch them to laugh my ass off."

"I can't believe no one has mentioned the fact that Bonnie Franklin was the hammiest, most heavy-handed actress alive! Her sense of comic timing was non-existent, and her hideous, over-wide, oddly distorted mouth could frighten small children on Halloween."

"Who's stupid idea was it to make Bonnie Franklin portray an Italian?"

"Did you notice how Bonnie franklin couldn't address anyone without using the angry pre-fixes 'Damnit!' or 'Ahh!' Examples: 'Damnit, Julie!' or 'Damnit, Barbara!' or 'Ahh, Julie!' (while slapping her forehead), or 'Damnit, Schneider!' She was one angry clown-faced bitch!"

"The episode where the retarded guy was helping Schneider with the handyman stuff. There was a gas leak, and I remember hoping the place would blow up!"

"Ann Romano was the scariest chick on T.V. Never wore a bra, had yellow, shiny teeth and was impishly short. I always felt as if she smelled like dirty pantyhose."

"Whenever a friend of mine falls into the habit of yammering on about how awful their life is and how no one understands them, I always respond, "Quit your Ann Romano-ing!"

(Thanks, Karen, for the link)

In other news, today is the 25th anniversary of the 1980 U.S. Olympic Hockey Team kicking the Russians in the balls, 4-3, in Lake Placid, N.Y. Congrats to the team as they celebrate their achievement of breaking the hearts of all the little Russian hockey fans that were watching.

My Day Watching 800 Left Turns

They call the Daytona 500 the Super Bowl of stock-car racing, and by they I mean guys like Mr. GQ on the right double-fisting beers in a field of RVs.

Except for the fact it took forever for the damn thing to get started, I didn't see many parallels between the race and the Super Bowl. First, Joe Montana never died playing in the Super Bowl. Second, you can't take a two-hour break from watching the Super Bowl and feel safe in knowing that you didn't miss much. Which is exactly what I did when I took a shopping break in between watching the first 50 laps in a sports bar and the last 50 on my couch. So, to be more accurate, I saw only 400 left turns.

I mean, it's not like I'm walking through Barnes & Noble, stepping over all those cheapskates laid out in the aisles reading books for free, thinking, "Boy, I hope no one jumps out to a 12-lap lead now and ruins the chances of having the top 20 cars running bumper-to-bumper in the final few laps ... for the 47th straight year."

I was rooting for two things: that no one would get hurt, and that Jeff Gordon would win. The first is quite obvious, unless you're a total loon. No one hopes for crashes, right? And if so, they don't get to vote for things like our president, right?

With 11 caution flags coming out to clear wreck after wreck, I don't know how anyone with a family member driving 185 mph in this race could feel 1/10th as much excitement as white-knuckled fear.

As for Gordon, I just don't know why everyone hates him. Doesn't he sound like everyone else and pay respects to his crew and other racers? I know he's got NASCAR Commandment No. 1 down: mention sponsors when answering any interview question, no matter if Chevrolet and Pepsi and GMAC are among the first words out of your mouth after winning the biggest race of your life. Can you imagine Deion Branch being handed the Super Bowl MVP award and thanking Fleet Bank, Oscar Mayer and the whole Anheuser-Busch family?

I didn't even hear Gordon thank his fans. Then again, maybe that's why he lags in popularity. I know he doesn't have any in the announcing booth.

Mike Joy, Larry McReynolds and Darrell Waltrip needed a clean-up rag the way they were gushing over the tenuous final laps. And that's cool. With four lead changes in the last nine laps, I was getting into it, too.

But their bias was palpable when, after Dale Earnhardt, Jr. raced past Tony Stewart in the 197th lap, Waltrip screamed something like, "Go Junebug!" over the voices of the other two cheerleaders. When Gordon slipped past Junior moments later, just seconds before a yellow flag slowed the field, there was hardly even a mention that we had a new leader and likely champ. The crowd sure didn't give a rip. I couldn't even hear cheers when Gordon emerged from his No. 24 car to thank Quaker State.

I guess I enjoyed the race as much as any guy who doesn't know a piston from a pistol. I look forward to seeing the final 50 laps in next year's Daytona 500, when I watch my next NASCAR race.

Today's Sports Links:

• Ask Stupid Questions, Print Distorted Answers — The New York Times finally gets into the A-Rod pile-on soap opera by saying the stories are much ado about nothing. And I agree. It seems every day the wires pass along a provocative headline about a Red Sox player taking his swings at Rodriguez when, in fact, only a couple of the quotes have been newsworthy. Clearly, Shilling and Nixon have little respect for the guy — some genuine bad blood, for sure — but some of the other quotes haven't been bad, especially not from Bronson Coolio, who agreed with me about the infamous slap in Game 6: "The play at first base, I wouldn't fault him, because it's Game 6, a desperate situation and you have to do what you have to do to try to win. ... Somebody on our team might've done the same thing. I know Curt thought it was kind of a bush-league play, but it's part of the game and I look at it as that." Elsewhere, Karen Guregian writes in the Boston Herald: Sox Lose Class Warfare Battle With Trash Talk: It's time to shut up and just play ball.

• The Game and Lame of New York Sports — Part 1 of the New York Post's ninth-annual Best and Worst of New York Sports includes lists of the most overrated (Jeremy Shockey), underappreciated (Hideki Matsui), tough (Derek Jeter), paranoid (Chad Pennington), friendly (David Wright), aloof (Jason Giambi), exciting (Vince Carter), dull (Steve Trachsel) and different (Frank Walker) athletes and execs in the local sports scene.

• Boeheim a Finalist For 2005 Hall Of Fame Election — I'll be in Syracuse on Saturday and have a chance to witness Jimmy B.'s 700th career win against Providence, if the 'Cuse can get by St. John's at home on Wednesday. Gotta admit, I'm not liking the way the team is playing these days, losing four out of six to the Big East's more rugged frontline teams (Pitt twice, UConn, Boston College), but I can't bash 'em the way some are doing on the SU hoops forums. If you're cursing out 21-year-olds who already have a national championship under their belts, you'd better be in high school or certifiably deranged. Gotta love Jimmy's quote about B.C. fans storming their court after an impressive win over the Orange on Saturday. "I thought they were ranked sixth in the country. Maybe they just think we're better than we are." Jimmy knows, as well as I do, that you worry about such things when opposing fans don't want to storm the court after beating you. If nothing else, it's a sign of respect.

• "Homer" Calls of the Year — SportsByBrooks has an audio index some of the most over-the-top broadcasting calls of the year. Just the thought of someone blowing a gasket over a Baylor football win is funny enough, but the audio is priceless. As previously mentioned here, some of the biggest home calls came during that wild 1994 Texas high school Class 5A playoff game, won by Tyler on a 97-yard kickoff return with 11 seconds left. After seeing Plano storm back with 27 points in the final 2:33 of the game and then lose on that play, announcer Mike Zoffuto lamented, "Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh my gosh, no! Come on! No! No! Gosh. God bless those kids. I am sick. I want to throw up."

• Hunter S. Thompson Fatally Shoots Himself — Sort of a sports story, as he wrote for ESPN.com's Page 2 (archive). My initial reactions after learning of a 67-year-old man's suicide: How long did he live with these demons? And what could possibly push a man who's seen and done it all over the edge?

• The NFL's Highest Paid Players — A chart accompanying an article on franchise-tagged stars includes some figures that may surprise you. The NFL cap system is so complicated, and the teams have options on how to dispense the money, but some of these figures are surprising. Vikings cornerback Antoine Winfield made $12.4 million in 2004, almost three times as much as Miami defense end Jason Taylor. Emmitt Smith was the ninth-best paid running back, even though we know he wasn't the ninth-best at anything anymore.

How Big of a Slut Are You?

Let's face it, most Internet quizzes are stupid.

What kind of girlfriend are you?
Probably a lame one if you take tests like that.

What famous leader are you?
Um, the kind who rules countries while surfing for porn. (I'm Saddam Hussein, but I only act like that on the softball diamond.)

Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
The annoying one. Wait, that's all of them. (I'm Kip, which is worse than Saddam Hussein.)

But this week I was sent a quiz that provides truly interesting results:

The Slut Test!

Rated on a scale of 1-100, the 40 questions are pretty much split between attitudes and experiences. I got a 62, not as high as the person who sent it to me, so I've got some work to do.

Today's Web Finds:

• Downloadable MP3s of Jim Florentine's 'Terrorizing Telemarketers' — The guy who does the voice of Crank Yankers' Special Ed and Bobby Fletcher has an awesome thing going. He intentionally signs up for lists that will generate calls from telemarketers, and he turns the tables to make their lives miserable for a few minutes. Hilarious stuff.

• Brandi Love's Diary — I saw this Internet porno MILF on Howard Stern's E! show the other night, and found out she keeps a journal online. You'll never guess what it says on her t-shirt. Starts with an S and rhymes with hut.

• Casino Strategy From Fodors.com on NYTimes.com — Includes an interesting bit on how much you can expect to get comped. For example: playing $25 blackjack hands for eight hours should net you a 2% loss of $240 and a comp of $72-$96, whether you win, lose or break even.

• Photos: Circuit Girls Bikini Pageant on 95South.com — Not that the Bahamas weren't fun, but it wouldn't be a stretch to say it would have been better if the Circuit Girls Super Bowl weekend had gone off as planned.

• World Press Photos of the Year — Almost as good as the bikini photos above. Seriously, though, some stunning stuff. And, just like the news, almost all are sad. Maybe I should launch the Good News Channel. Happy news 24 hours a day. Our cameras would have rose-colored lenses.

• 100 Funniest Jokes of All Time — I never heard No.1 before, and I'm still waiting to laugh. No. 3, Stephen Wright's hour about 24-hour stores, is classic. I can't walk into a 7-Eleven without thinking, "not in a row." Rodney makes his first appearance at No. 6, and I can't imagine anyone not laughing if they haven't heard the one where he asks a women he's having sex with if she'll hate herself in the morning. Wright's joke at 100 is about a million times funnier than No. 64 by Gilbert Gottfried, which I'd rate as probably the worst on the list. Oh, and if you thought Abraham Lincoln wasn't funny, you're right (check out No. 37). (Link found on Jadedgrrl)

• Flung Poo Collector Sought on CareerBuilder.com — I guess there are a lot of NHL coaches with time on their hands. And NHL writers. And NHL marketers. And NHL... (Thanks, Shumpy)

• Reviews of Gags and Pranks — Fake Pet Puke is a winner, Garlic Candy is a dud, and the Cookie Roach is a toss-up.

• Craig's Lister's Revenge on Girlfriend Who Banged Her Boss — Funny write-up, but since it's on CL, it's probably as fake as Tara Reid's mutilated tits.

• Susannah Breslin's 'Porn Happy' Blog — Formerly The Reverse Cowgirl on Salon, Susannah writes in to plug her new online effort, which is about a novel-in-progress that she's writing of the same name. I interviewed Susannah back in 2003, and she gives great Q&A. She surmised that 98% of people troll the Internet for porn. I'd say she was off by 2%.

• Web Fashion Colors — A bunch of interesting HTML color palettes, sorted by the last few decades, from longtime PK.com supporters at Mandarin Design. Awesome web-publishing tips 'n' tricks resource.

• List of Fictional Companies — Some great Head-to-Head opportunities here. Moe's vs. Cheers as best bar. McDowell's vs. Rob's Place for eating establishments. The Muppet Theater vs. Wally World for entertainment destination. I'll have to get on this.

Pitchers and Katchers Report to Spring Training

Tell me that's not the most beautiful sight you've seen all week.

Don "The Greatest Living Ballplayer" Mattingly showing a security guard how to receive oral sex from two chicks at once.

That can only mean one thing: baseball is back, and I'm pumped, already holding tix for the third Yanks game of the season on April 6 for what should be Carl Pavano's debut against the Red Sox, as well as eight tickets at Baltimore on Saturday, April 16 (if any Bombers fans want in, let me know; should be rockin' with thousands of New Yorkers partying in Inner Harbor).

Here are my thoughts on the two baseball storylines dominating the headlines:

• Trot Nixon Bashes Alex Rodriguez, Calls Him a 'Clown' — All jokes aside — and I guess the biggest one is Nixon's .213 batting average and 9 home runs in his career against lefties — I'm not sure where Boston's utter contempt for A-Rod stems from.

First, he was a guy they tried desperately to acquire, even at the expense of shipping off Manny Ramirez and Nomar Garciaparra, who, as of last February, was nothing less than beloved in the city most famous for soup. (Seriously, when you think of Boston, you think of clam chowder. Almost 400 years of history and the first things that pop into your mind are soup that looks like cat vomit, turning a river into a toilet of tea and virginal postal carriers who get wasted at some pathetic basement bar.) Anyway, A-Rod played 10 years in the bigs before the Sox bent over to acquire him. Now, all of a sudden, he's a clubhouse cancer, someone the Sox wouldn't have won with. As if they were the 1998 Yankees or something last year. As if they weren't one game or one inning away from being swept in the playoffs. AS IF THEY'D ACTUALLY WON THE DIVISION!

Second, it's been said the sucker punch from fully-guarded Jason Varitek last year was necessitated because A-Rod tried to intimidate a guy like Bronson Coolio, who'd just plunked Alex in typical Sox fashion, being down at Fenway. Rodriguez wouldn't have challenged an established played like Pedro Martinez, they said. You know, like the way Pedro went after Karim Garcia in 2003.

(Speaking of on-field fights, there will be one this year. Can you imagine if one finally breaks out at Yankee Stadium? Think about that for a minute.)

Third, the slap in Game 6 of the ALCS. You tell me, what was your immediate reaction? That A-Rod tried something desperate in a desperate situation? Or that he intentionally disregarded all rules of respectful competition, endangered the career of Bronson Coolio and bolstered his reputation as an 11-year dirty player? Again, your immediate reaction, which provides you as much time to think as A-Rod did running down that line. I have not read nor heard one media report — not a peep from other major leaguers — trashing A-Rod for that play, which was nothing more than a quick, but ultimately poor, judgement on a play in which he, apparently, had every right to run over Coolio but couldn't slap at his glove. The way the Sox players talk about it, you'd think they'd want him banned from the Hall of Fame.

Ultimately, I'm glad the Red Sox are killing A-Rod for not being a true Yankee, as if they have any idea about what it means to expect to win, and to win with the class of Joe Torre or Derek Jeter or Mariano Rivera. As if their halls are walked by guys like Yogi Berra and Phil Rizzuto and Whitey Ford, who've lost count of the rings they've won.

Ironically, this makes A-Rod more a part of our team. Speaking from a Yanks fan perspective, I never felt like we got any less than 100% from the guy. In fact, he finished second in AL win shares to Gary Sheffield, tied for second with Hideki Matsui and Miguel Tejada. It's not like we're gonna regret upgrading from Aaron Boone to the best infielder in baseball. And Alfonso Soriano is coming back to the Bronx after next season anyway. That's what happens when you don't shit on a guy after leaves, like Boston did to Roger Clemens, Mo Vaughn, Garciaparra and Martinez.

As for Nixon saying he respects Jason Giambi because he was a cool guy to talk to at first base, maybe he forgot that Giambi cheated his way to two big home runs in Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS.

• Jose Canseco Names Names in Book — Pete Rose aside, Can-Sucko's maybe the least believable former player out there. And ya know what? I believe him. That's how obvious that steroid mess has been for awhile now.

As For the NHL Season Being Canceled:

I feel for the fans, really. I joke about hockey games being one, big mistake, but if you dig it, you dig it. And I don't know why people are lamenting on the NHL losing the "casual" hockey fan, because I've never met a casual hockey fan in my life. They're the most passionate fans, aside from maybe college football yahoos. Casual fans and names like Konstantin Koltsov, Aleksey Morozov and Aleksander Suglobov don't mix.

The NHL will be back, the fans will be back. You'll never know it was gone. Trust me. Remember all those newspaper polls in 1994, when the baseball owners canceled the World Series (which the Yankees would have won)? Like 89% said they'd never come back. And they all did.

Today's Sports Links:

• Lee Corso Gets Pissy on Dallas Radio — The ESPN college football analyst doesn't appreciate a wisecrack made by a radio host. And I thought it was innocuous and funny. (Audio from SportsByBrooks.com)

• More Downloadable Sports Audio — Never before plugged on this site: Tommy Lasorda on Dave Kingman's three home runs, Geno Auriemma goes off on a reporter, Joe Namath wants to kiss Suzy Kolber, and Bill Tobin fires back at Mel Kiper, Jr.

• All-Time NBA Players By College — This index from Basketball-Reference.com allows you to peruse profiles of every NBA/ABA player, sorted by college, including their pro and college stats.

• HoopsHype.com Salaries — As a Knicks fan, it's almost too much to bear. New York has the highest payroll by about 15% over Dallas, and they suck balls. I guess that makes three New York sports teams (Yankees, Knicks, Rangers) as the highest-paid teams in the four major sports. How 'bout Shaq making $27.7 million this year, half the entire Miami team? I thought A-Rod was still the highest-paid in major sports. And what about Dikembe Mutombo and Allan Houston ranking Nos. 2 and 3, respectively? Yeesh.

• Most Controversial Sports Books — Inspired by Jose Canseco's effort, this ESPN.com list includes three I've read (Friday Night Lights, Moneyball and Ball Four) — all of which were awesome.

The Central Park Gates: Art or Trading Spaces With Mars?

The Department of Homeland Security hasn't issued any official warning, but New York's been attacked by Christo and Jean-Claude, married artists both born on June 13, 1935, who launched their 26-years-in-the-planning exhibit called "The Gates" in Central Park this past weekend.

When I learned of the project, I was excited. New York is nothing if not ambitious. So the idea of 22,500 poles, 165,000 bolts and 7,500 panels of fabric — all at the cost of $21 million for nothing more than two-week eye-candy — seemed like the quintessential New York happening. Just to say you did it and gave millions of people something to appreciate. Plus, I hoped to get some great photos out of it.

But ya know what? Judging by the best shot I took on Tuesday (above), I got more keepsakes from the foot of snow Mother Nature dropped on us for free in January. Put it this way: when the blizzard hit I trudged through the Park for 90 minutes; when it was 55 and sunny for "The Gates," I was gone in 15.

Not that I don't admire the effort, but seeing the final result reminded me of when I went to see Anchorman. I thought: There is no way anyone could really like this thing. Tolerate it, sure. But really like it? No fucking way. And I had the equivalent of a six-pack before seeing Anchorman. It was that bad. I'm sticking to that, by the way.

I don't know art any better than I know the newly elected president of Iraq (who is it, Karl Rove?), but I imagine one true test is whether or not people want to see it stay. There's no way the majority of New Yorkers want Central Park to stay looking like this. And for $21 million, couldn't you add something that people might want to stay?

Also, I got to thinking: What other NYC exhibits could we have that would make as much sense as 7,500 panels of orange fabric in one of the world's most famous public settings?

• Flooding each seat in Yankee Stadium with whipped cream
• Covering Brooklyn Bridge entirely with fake snow from a can
• Posting photos of Clay Aiken on all Empire State Building windows
• Every NYC resident takes a drag of a joint and blows it toward Greenwich, Conn.

Links Related to The Gates:

• New York Times Collection of Articles — Make sure to launch the interactive feature titled "'The Gates: An Appraisal." It's informative and the narrator's monotone delivery pretty much sums up the ho-hum experience.

• Official NYC Site's Photos From The Gates — The shots that mix B&W and color look great! But guess what? That's not what we see in real life.

• eBay Items: The Gates — Of course, anything in the news means a flood of auction items. Some of which might be worth more than 10% as much in three months.

• Craig's List Community on The Gates — Some are OK with it, some are really poking fun at it. Some, like typical Craig's Listers, probably also posted about a turd they flushed down the toilet four hours ago.

• Bloggers on "The Gates" — A Technorati search of fellow bloggers' comments on the exhibit. Lots of first-person accounts and photos from fellow New Yorkers.

Other New York Links:

• Ted's Birthday — An Improv Everywhere mission in which 25+ people raided a bar and pretended to celebrate a faux birthday of an unknowing participant. I have an interview lined up with these guys, and I'll definitely go on a mission with them. (Thanks, Rachel)

• Season of Savings — Broadway shows on the cheap, until mid-March. I'll probably hit up Twelve Angry Men or even Fiddler on the Roof if I turn gay in the next few weeks.

• Custom-Made Bras at Intimacy — I'll let the Daily Candy lead say it all: Does keeping your jugs from jiggling feel like a full-time job?

A Couple of Personal Notes:

• Congratulations are in order to neighbor Stephanie Klein, who has landed a two-book deal to write about her life past and present. Steph's June 2004 post titled "Sports and Tits" recounts a dinner we shared at Brother Jimmy's BBQ, perhaps the finest dining establishment I frequent. It wasn't a date — just dragged her out for ribs and beer and the Lakers-Pistons NBA Finals — but if she makes it big I'll have to make up some kind of story about how we had sex eight ways from Sunday.

• I was greatly saddened to learn of the sudden death of fellow NYC blogger Mike Wolf. Mike and I met on a couple of occasions, and I know he was at least an occasional reader of my site. Judging from the heart-felt comments left on Mike's site, and the touching tributes posted on others, it's clear he made an impact on people with his writing and his friendship. Hard to do better than that, right? Till we meet again, godspeed.

Mike's life will be celebrated at the next NYC Blogger Bash on Feb 25.

Photos: Las Vegas Trip

I wish I had better shots to share with you, but my two-year-old Canon S30 is a little bulky to tote around at night. But I stick with it, because it performs well enough to not warrant spending $500 or whatever for a significant upgrade.

Anyway, here's my very limited gallery of Las Vegas photos, including one of a certain baseball non-Hall of Famer/author who was signing autographs and posing for pictures at a booth on the Strip. I just snapped a freebie walking past.

A few points on the trip:

The Rio: The Carnivale-themed hotel was perfect for me. Young, fun, musical, visual, colorful, cool but not pretentious. Beers were $3.50 at the monstrous buffet, $4 at the video-poker bars and $5 at iBar, whose waitresses were all striking models. A small pool of single-deck blackjack tables outside the Bikinis club featured bikini-clad dealers, each sporting a thong and translucent sarong. One local nut surmised there were only three Vegas hotels where "the girls in the magazines" actually existed: the Rio, the Hard Rock and ... he didn't mention the third. I think his drink arrived from one of the cocktail waitresses, who double as singers and dancers on the casino floor.

The 51st-floor VooDoo Lounge has live music inside and a DJ outside, where you can dance or just hang out, drink and appreciate the view of the Strip. Again, cool and unpretentious, a very tough combo to find sometimes.

The Gambling: Somehow I survived seven nights of casinos in the Bahamas and Vegas. I didn't wake up early enough to bet Syracuse +4.5 at Villanova on Saturday (and, of course, the 'Cuse won by 15). I did win on the AFC in the Pro Bowl — figured the conference had won everything else this past season. Got reamed Friday night at the Palms, but broke pretty much even after that.

Not too many bad beats, but this one sticks out: Playing at a $25 BJ table, I get dealt 3-3 against the dealer's 3. I split, get an 8 for an 11 and double to $50. Get an 8 for a 19. Not great. The other 3 draws another 8. Double again on 11 to $50. Get a 2. Dealer turns over a 10 for a 13, hits and gets an ... 8! Sometimes you can make all the right plays and lose $100 on what was supposed to be a $25 hand. But you've got to double and split when you're supposed to for this simple reason: if you're gonna sit at the table knowing the dealer has an advantage, you've got to continue to gamble when that advantage swings your way.

The best: I surveyed two $10 roulette tables, looking to load up on 28 (my Feb. b-day) on one of 'em. What I do is place four chips on 28, sharing two chips between 28 and 25, 28 and 29, 28 and 31 (see layout). Thus, on a $10 bet, 28 would pay off $242, while 25, 29 or 31 would pay $34 (and leave $10 on the table). As I'm being handed my chips, but too late to bet, 28 hits. Just my fucking luck. I look to the adjacent table I passed up and 28 hits 60 seconds later. Our next number is 26. The table next to us also hits 26. Now it's getting freaky. Our next number ... 28! Stayed for a few more spins and walked away having made $200 in five minutes.

That's about it. I'm tired and just wanna play guitar. Seven flights in 11 days takes a bit out of ya. And I've got a lot on the edit calendar to get to.

PK.com on Vacation in Las Vegas

It's been a stressful few days since I got back from the Bahamas — if you call Mardi Gras and 3-on-3 basketball stressful — so I'm jetting off to Vegas and won't be updating this site till Tuesday. A gallery of pics to come for sure. (See Vegas photos from last August.)

A Bloody Mary will be in order when Syracuse tips off at Villanova at 9 a.m. PT on Saturday and we'll have to see which way I sway on the Pro Bowl (AFC -3). Check out this lineup of quarterbacks: Peyton Manning and Donovan McNabb start; Tom Brady and Daunte Culpepper probably go next; and Drew Brees finishes up against Michael Vick.

Have a great Valentine's Day. And to you fellow singles, don't be a puss and cry over a TV dinner. Go out to a laid-back place and have some fun on the only night you don't have to check for wedding bands.

In the meantime, here are some interesting links for ya:

• Bikini Pics From Vegas' Hard Rock Pool — Seems like as good a link as any to start with. Be careful of not-safe-for-work ads.

• Indianapolis Area White Castles Offer Candlelight Dinner — The perfect dinner before escorting your date to the local strip club for an evening of drinks and dancing. (Thanks, Art)

• Virginia Drops Underpants Bill — Sluts rejoice as exposed thongs are still lawful in the state.

• Woman Rips Off Ex's Testicle, Hides it in Mouth — I don't know, man, these severed Pebbles and Bam Bam stories get old after awhile. Had John Wayne Bobbitt lost his 100% all-beef thermometer after Al Gore invented the Internet, he might not have been able to parlay the fame into a role in the 1996 movie Frankenpenis. (Penis euphemisms.)

• The Talking Vibrator — I didn't know there was a market for women who wanted to laugh during sex. No wonder Mini Me was able to score a five-way at the Playboy Mansion. (Found on Jadedgrrl)

• Alone in the Dark Movie Reviews — With a 9 (out of 100), Tara Reid's latest is perhaps the worst-rated movie ever on Metacritic.com. On IMDB.com, it ranks as the 7th-worst of all time, even worse than such classics as Santa with Muscles, Glitter and Gigli.

• Wikipedia's Collection of Unusual Articles — Not so much weird news items but unusual entries in the online encyclopedia, such as Buckethead, Dick Assman and The Tony Danza Sex Move.

• Top Ten Poker Tells — If she's reaching to unhook her bra, she's got a weak hand. Oh wait, this isn't strip poker strategy.

• iFilm Collection: Top 10 Commercials of All Time — When I was 11 years old, the thought of an elderly lady angrily demanding more beef didn't disgust me as much.

• AllMagic.com — A comprehensive, illustrated collection of magic trick how-tos. Missing, however, is instructions to the greatest trick of all: David Copperfield getting Claudia Schiffer.

• Shaune Bagwell's Other eBay Items — After netting $15,099 for cleavage ad space from GoldenPalace.com (just as I predicted), the model/actress expands her auction business: legs, photoshoots, autographs, etc.

Revealed: The Pedro Martinez Workout Routine

Well, I know at least one baseball player who's not on steroids. He goes by the name of Pedro Martinez, and he shaves his armpits.

He's the Soul Glo commercial reject to your right, the newest ace of the New York Mets, the man struggling to throw a couple of 5-pound dumbbells to the sky.

Being that we're almost neighbors now — if you liken the Purple Dump to anything resembling the fashionable and exclusive Upper West Side, home to Yogi's and Gray's Papaya — I was able to gain an exclusive report on Pedro's workout, as he attempts to bolster his scrawny bod and earn his four-year guaranteed contract with the team that fared so well signing Bobby Bonilla, Vince Coleman, Mo Vaughn and Roberto Alomar.

Anyway, here's a look at Pedro's strenuous itinerary...

Warm-Up:
Ride a tricycle for 5 minutes
Jump over a rope
3 push-ups, or until exhaustion

Main Workout
Throw nearest 72-year-old man to the floor
Lift a Saturday edition of the New York Post
Call Nomar to plan 2005 arson of Fenway Park
Shoulder presses with 5-pound dumbbells (unless some chick is using them)

Cool-Down
Stretch Jehri-curls
Scour locker room to see if '86 Mets left any cocaine behind
Scour locker room to see if Kris Benson left horny wife behind
Go home and try to make nice with wingman Nelson de la Rosa

Today's Sports Links:

• NBA's Most-Overpaid Players — Also known as The New York Knicks Media Guide. Tim Thomas makes $12.9 million? Penny Hardaway makes $14.625 million? The guy hasn't scored over 12 points a game since last millennium. Compare that with Tedy Bruschi, who signed a four-year contract worth $8.1 million last offseason. Or David Ortiz, who is at the start of a two-year $12.5 million deal. And you're telling me hockey is the sport that's in a financial mess? What kind of crack was being smoked when someone offered Dikembe Mutombo $18.76 million for the 2004-05 season?

• Peter King Says Lawyer Milloy Looks Like a Fool — The former Pats safety refused to take a pay cut before the 2003 season and lost on being part of two more Super Bowl winners. King says it was a foolish move. Well now it is! But what's wrong with trying to cash in when you can after your team failed to even make the playoffs the season before? Back then, the Past were just a team who'd barely beaten a run-and-gun Raiders team in the snow and squeaked by the Rams with one kick. Now we see them in a totally different light, but you tell me who would have banked on New England winning two straight with McNabb's Eagles, Vick's Falcons, and Manning's Colts in the thick of things. Not to mention the very strong (at the time) Raiders, Bucs and Titans. Not to mention Culpepper-Moss or Favre-Green or ...

• ESPN.com's Super Bowl Pizza Delivery Guy — Sports business guru and long-ago FOXSports.com intern Darren Rovell tries his hand at delivering pizzas on Super Bowl Sunday in Jacksonville. Check out the first cheapskate he serves: some chick named Connie who not only paid the $28.70 tab with a check (!) but tipped him two measly bucks. No doubt her next pizza will have extra cheese and extra booger.

• Picture: Best SportsByBrooks.com Girl Cleavage Ever — Just walking around with those is more of a workout than Pedro gets.

Here's What I'm Giving Up for Lent

I never really understood why people give up things they enjoy for Lent. You know you're going back to eating chocolate or banging fat chicks anyway, so what's the point? Then again, religion and I never had a great marriage. I was raised Roman Catholic, but never really got into it. You mean I'm going to hell if we finish this basketball/football/Whiffle ball/stickball game and I miss my 412th trip to mass? What sense does that make? As soon as I got a driver's license I was done. Yeah, mom, I'm gonna go to the later service. (At the mall.)

This year, I'm encouraging everyone to give up things they don't really enjoy anyway. I've spoken with god and he's totally cool with it, as long as you thank him when you win the Super Bowl, while not mentioning tsunamis, cancer, Yanni and other horrible stuff he gave us.

Anyway, here are 10 things I plan to give up from now until Easter...

10. Drinking Coffee — It's like hot, liquid Ex-Lax. I don't know how you people do it. They say the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Well, if you're talking coffee, it's from your mouth to your ass.

9. Watching ESPN's Around the Horn — It's Pardon the Interruption Lite, but with the added bonus of insane toss-up questions like Who's the Better QB, Tom Brady or Craig Krentzel?

8. Not Watching a DVD on a Flight — Thanks to InMotionPictures.com, you can pick up a portable DVD player and a movie for $12 at one airport gate and drop it off at another. Easily the best highlight from my Bahamas trip. Several Curb Your Enthusiasm episodes beats crying babies every time.

7. Eating Mushrooms — It's fungus, people. Fungus.

6. Getting Up Before Noon — Totally overrated aspect of living healthy, as sleeping in eliminates any risk of getting hit by a morning rush-hour bus.

5. Paying for MP3s — File sharing is dead like an upcoming TV special with John Ritter, Mr. Rogers and Johnny Carson is alive.

4. Rooting for an NHL Resolution — The worst thing about the lockout news is that they might settle in time for next season.

3. Reading Blogs — Guess who doesn't care about your kids, your pets, your shitty job, your once-a-month happy hour at Flingers, or what kind of Shakespeare character you are? Me! Go find a disgusting sex tape of two pro wrestlers to review and breathe some life into this Internet thing.

2. Being Cynical About the Anheuser-Busch "Thank You, Troops" Super Bowl Ad — OK, maybe I'm still keeping this window open. My buddy Mike Philbrick at ESPN.com wrote in a review of Super Bowl commercials that the ad "worked" because: "No logos. No product. No agenda. The Anheuser-Busch company apparently just wanted to drop a couple million to say thank you to the troops fighting overseas. Sure, this isn't a funny ad, but it definitely got the point across a heck of a lot better than some of the other ads we didn't even pick — and they were actually trying to sell something."

No logos? That was AB's logo at the end. If there was no logo at all, I'd be more comfortable knowing that were was absolutely no business strategy (i.e. no branding whatsoever) behind the ad. Apart from an anonymous "thank you" from an undisclosed Super Bowl sponsor — which it wasn't — I can't help but think Anheuser-Busch might have tried to market its company on a very, very sensitive issue of war. I'm pretty sure intentions were genuine, but even if that logo introduces 1% of business into the message, that's 1% too much.

But, if the troops and their families liked it, cool. I wouldn't expect them to have any problem with it. (See iFilm's library of Super Bowl XXXIX ads.)

1. Not Eating Meat on Friday — Yep, the classic Lent sacrifice. At least it wipes out all varieties of Hot Pockets, which does save lives. But you're telling me a burrito at Taco Hell's gonna land you in real hell? When's the cutoff, too? Like midnight Thursday, when you're wasted from happy hour, or when you wake up on Friday? (And I don't wanna hear you Jews snickering, either. That ban on mixing cheese and meat is straight-up retarded. If you haven't had a White Castle cheeseburger, you just haven't lived. At least not in the ghetto.)

And I'd like to leave you with my favorite viewpoint on religion. If there are 500 different religions in the world, then 499 of them are wrong. I'm less worried about going to hell than being somewhere for an extended period of time without the YES network.

Photos: Bahamas Vacation

I'm not sure how much value you're gonna get from my gallery of Bahamas vacation photos, but I was happy with the results. As long as I come away with six printable shots for a keepsake collage, I'm pleased. And I think I got a bunch worthy of messing around with presently unfamiliar Photoshop effects. I tried one out with this flower close-up. If I even tried to critique it, I'd have to castrate myself.

You'll notice a common theme in the pics: no people. Some were shot at 6:30 a.m., but most were not. Port Lucaya on Grand Bahama Island just wasn't that hoppin'.

I don't know what to tell ya. The Our Lucaya Beach/Golf Resort boasts 14 bars/restaurants on its property but, at any given time, the Isle of Capri casino was the most happening place. I'm talking at 1 p.m., 8 p.m., 1 a.m., whenever. I'm always looking for a good story, but I don't think Bobby Brown could get arrested down there. Unfortunately, the unseasonably cool weather kept me and just about everyone else out of the pools and ocean. The sight of a deserted swim-up pool bar was enough to make a grown man cry.

I'll say this for the casino (which included a sports book), it did attract some heavy-hitters, a few of whom made weekend jaunts from Florida. One guy was reportedly down $120,000 at a private blackjack table. He'd play multiple $1,000 hands at a time and not even flinch. Another guy claimed to have lost $50,000 on his birthday and had to endure the even worse indignity of scraping his middle-aged friend's head off the bar after he'd lost $6,000 and passed out drunk. For the most part, the biggest bettors seemed to enjoy themselves least, just another couple of black chips going out and coming in. Saw a lot of $500 and $1,000 chips in play. I didn't really get it; just hoped they had enough money to spare and lived otherwise happy lives. I'm pretty sure a few did. And I'm pretty sure a few didn't.

As for myself, I wound up in the black for a change. Taking out tips for dealers and waitresses, I was still up +$100 at the tables, -$55 on sports (lost on Syracuse, Rutgers and Pittsburgh on Saturday; won one and lost one on the Eagles on Sunday), and up about +$120 in free beers. Not bad considering I went in for 3-5 shifts a day, just trying to kill time.

Single chicks seemed as rare as a male Oprah audience member. I can recall betting next to three genuinely hot chicks. Two were married and one had a boyfriend. One thing about being outside New York City, you sure do see a lot more engagement/wedding rings. Here you get deported for that kind of irrational behavior. Oh, and you see a lot of mustaches, too (sometimes on the guys). And you get to hear a Georgia fellow share with our BJ table and Bahamian dealer that he appreciates the Patriots because he likes to see their white linebackers succeed in a black man's world. On his next hand, he hit blackjack. I can only assume karma waited until his flight home to smack him upside his head.

Among the positives: the Bahamian people were so cool, not jaded or patronizing service-industry types. Just pleasant folk. The food was very good. And the air was light and clean; something you'd want to bottle and take home, like that Midwestern MILF who, unfortunately, got run from the table before I could think of a way of poisoning her husband.

PK.com on Vacation in Bahamas

I won't have any new posts till at least Tuesday, Feb. 8, when I hope to have some kick-ass pics from the Our Lucaya Beach/Golf Resort on Grand Bahama Island as I visit my 13th foreign country in 10 months. Maybe accompanied by a report, maybe some post-Super Bowl thoughts. We'll see how it goes.

While I'm off on my trip, maybe you'd like to plan one of your own. My buddy Murph from NYC's MurphGuide.com is hosting another group pub tour in Ireland from April 5-11. They'll be going to Cork, Kerry and Galway. $1075 per person includes airfare, hotels, luxury coach, etc.

I won't be going on that one, as I can't leave town during the first week of the baseball season, just in case Randy Johnson needs me to help break him in to the New York hot dog-eating scene. Plus, leaving the country during that time would be as un-American as watching the Super Bowl in shorts and a T-shirt at a Bahamian resort.

I will also take this time to warn you that a rare sexually transmitted disease has struck two in New York. Thank GOD I'm a virgin.

Super Bowl XXXIX Preview: Patriots vs. Eagles

(The pic is of Wilma McNabb and Ben Roethlisberger promoting the Chunky Chili Bowl. Even though it has nothing to do with the big game, the fact that it looks like Mrs. McNabb is selling Big Ben at a bachelor auction means I couldn't live with myself if I didn't post it. On to the preview...)

Despite my 9-1 record picking against the spread this postseason (for no money, of course), tales of my inability to shake a dime from casinos means there's only one certainty in Super Bowl XXXIX: someone's gonna take an interception return to the house. Let me explain.

I credited $100 into an offshore account (in other words, money that I may never see again, no matter what), with the intention of playing around with a few props. Here are some that caught my attention:

• Second-quarter line: Eagles +3 (-125)
• There will be a 100-yard rusher (-120)
• First coach's challenge will overturn call on field (-160)
• Donovan McNabb will be game's MVP (+400)

There were seriously about 1,000 available props, and my first play was that there will not be an interception returned for a TD in the game. The line was -300, which means I had to lay three times as much as I hoped to win. So I clicked a few buttons, planning to risk $30, only to see that the site had accepted a bet of $90 to win $30. Fuck.

Not that it was a huge problem — I liked that bet more than any other — but that left me with only $10, and I'd hoped to have at least a few goofy bets in play. So I dropped the $10 on the Eagles' money line to win (+220), which means I stand to come in either -$100, -$78, +$20 or +$52 (if the Eagles win and there's no interception return for a TD).

Not exactly high stakes, but I'll be in the Bahamas, with a casino on the premises and hundreds of blackjack hands in my future, so there will be plenty of time for me to get my pockets turned upside down. And then there's always Vegas the week after. (You know I'll be betting some serious coin on the Pro Bowl.)

Simms Had the Greatest Super Bowl:
Saw a couple of rankings of Super Bowl QB performances this week. One had Steve Young's 6 TDs against the Chargers at No. 1, and another had Tom Brady's performance last year at No. 1. Both had Phil Simms in Super Bowl XXI (22-25, 268 yards, 3TDs, 0 INTS) at No. 2. I swear these guys are on crack sometimes.

In the most-watched game in the history of one of the NFL's oldest and proudest franchises, Simms completed 22 passes against only three incompletions. Three! HE THREW THREE INCOMPLETIONS!

When the Giants first got the ball down 3-0 to Denver, Simms went 6-for-6, throwing a 6-yard pas to Zeke Mowatt for a 7-3 lead. Down 10-9 to start the second half, Simms went 4-for-4, throwing a 13-yard pass to Mark Bavaro for a 16-10 lead. He completed every pass he threw in the second half, a half in which the Giants dominated en route to a 39-20 win. He was as close to perfect as anyone has ever been in the Super Bowl.

Super Bowl XXI Drive Chart | Statistical Analysis of Super Bowl QB Performances

Game Analysis:
Considering the Eagles have played 15 games that counted, won 14 overall and 11 by double-digits, I think they might be one of the best teams ever to be getting seven points on a neutral field. They shut down Daunte Culpepper and Randy Moss. They shut down Michael Vick. T.O. or no T.O., that defense can ball.

But being without Chad Lewis hurts. Shit being with Freddie Mitchell may hurt even more. No one knows what Terrell Owens is capable of this week, but I don't think eight catches for 120 yards and a couple of scores is too probable. Unless he's playing opossum — a classic Iron Mike Sharpe move — his relative humility hints at a guy who's not too sure of himself.

As for the Pats, you know the deal. Darth Vader didn't employ as many robotic assassins. Gun to my head with a pick on the line? I'm not sure. A touchdown is a lot to give what is clearly the NFL's second-best team (at worst). It wouldn't surprise me to see Philly move up to No. 1. Unless you see a marketable difference in the matchups. I see it pretty even, and I wouldn't lay seven points on reputation.

If they played this game 11 times, do the Patriots win by eight at least six times? I say no.

Patriots 26, Eagles 24

Today's Sports Links:

• Pic of John Elway at Playboy's Halloween Party — The big horse teeth really makes the outfit.

• How Television Killed the Newspaper Sports Column — Glenn Stout makes pretty much the same claim in the foreword in the 2004 edition of the Best American Sports Writing. I don't know, man. The book's entries pretty much refute the point. (Thanks, Eddie)

• Dr. Z's 1984 Sports Illustrated Feature on Jack Lambert — Republished on a rockin' unofficial Steelers site, this profile is an awesome look at a guy who scared the living shit out of people, at 220 pounds. Kinda like Anna Nicole Smith, but with less teeth.

• Jeff Thomason's Dream Vacation — A former Eagles tight end, who last played in 2002, has taken two weeks off from his job with a construction company to fill in for the injured Chad Lewis. If he scores in the Super Bowl, it'll be the most intriguing human-interest story of the weekend. Unless someone returns an interception for a TD in the fourth quarter and I end up murdering the guy. The over/under on Thomason receptions is ½ (-120).

• Dr. Z's Super Bowl Memories — Only Zimmerman could recount tales of drinking with Hunter S. Thompson in a bar so scary that thoughts of a wife and kids back home precluded him from hanging around.

• Players and Their Favorite Playmates — An ESPN.com Page 3 roundup of athletes and their Playmate love interests. I gotta say Scott Posednik wins this Horse Trailer award for nailing Lisa Dergan. That's gotta be the top highlight from the Milwaukee Brewers circa 1983-2004.

• Stupid Questions Asked on Super Bowl Media Day — Talk about jumping the shark. All those entertainment shows that send goofy reporters? Yeesh.

• Syracuse Hoops Blog — All Orange all the time. And now one of my bookmarks. I'll be there Feb. 26 for Senior Day (Hakim Warrick, Josh Pace and Craig Forth) against Providence. If any fellow SU alum readers will be up there, hit me up.

• Marv Levy: Super Bowl Too Close to Call — I love Levy as much as the next guy, but a couple of funny things about this article. No. 1: It's a Super Bowl preview piece and he chickens out of making a prediction. Just make a pick! No. 2: You have to note the irony of reading into what a four-time Super Bowl-losing coach thinks of the game. It's like asking him, "Marv, if you were coaching the Eagles, what would you tell your players this week?" Whatever he says, you'd just have to laugh.

• In '98, McNabb and Syracuse Beat Brady and Michigan — The New York Times recounts perhaps McNabb's greatest day in a Syracuse uniform: a 38-28 win in front of 111,012 fans at Michigan in the Wolverines' first home game after winning the 1997 national title. The game wasn't nearly as close as the final score, and McNabb zoomed to the top of everyone's Heisman list. I can't remember if it was Brady or Drew Henson (both played) who got absolutely destroyed on a blind-side blitz, but whoever it was folded like that fat kid who waved a towel at Jermaine O'Neal.

The Most Overpriced Concert Ticket Ever Bought

Tickets to spring-time U2 concert tickets recently went on sale in New York and, as always, the short-sighted, temporarily locked-out fans are paying through the nose.

Check this eBay winning bid: $355 for ONE ticket at the other end of Madison Square Garden from the stage.

There are THOUSANDS of better seats in the arena, and this one goes for $355? Manny Ramirez isn't this stupid.

People, let me explain a phenomenon called "getting sick." Every day people come down with an illness. It prevents them from attending concerts and sporting events, theater performances and wet T-shirt contests. You do not buy a single ticket 200 feet from the stage for $355. If this is news to you, bookmark Craig's List right now and check back five hours from showtime.

And to further show how eBay has kicked "location, location, location" in the balls, the seller is offering a ton of other big-ticket concert tickets, from New Jersey to North Carolina, to California and parts in between. eBay gives power to anyone, anywhere to be a ticket broker. I wonder if high school guidance counselors know about this.

Other Web Finds:

• How Well Do You Know the Middle Eastern Map? — A little like the U.S. model, you place the name of the country of top of its outline. I got a -184, because I mistook Whogivesacrapistan for Idontgiveashitistan. (Thanks, Pee Wee)

• eBay Search: "Advertise on My..." — Exactly 250 entries, as of PK.com press time, off people selling off space somewhere on their bodies, their cars, their shirts, their whatever. If only Wilt Chamberlain was alive to sell his dick.

• Euphemisms for Taking a Dump — I know I must've linked to this about 100 times but, if you act now, I'll throw in sayings for diarrhea and farting. Let's play a game: What does it mean to do the Aztec two-step?

• Britney Spears Goes Braless Buying Maternity Wear — She still looks broken, but at least her nipples are hard again. Too bad not as good as when she was in that green shirt with the homies.

• Video: Field Sobriety Test — If you're gonna test male drivers' sobriety, this is the way to do it. The answer is obvious if you think about it.

• 50 Most Loathsome People in America — The Buffalo Beast has a riff on the famous New York Press annuity. The list takes shots at Republicans, Democrats, porn stars, musicians and, yes, you. Maybe the most negative piece of content ever generated.

• Brice Beckham Dot Net — SomethingAwful.com's amusing parody of a blog run by the kid who played Wesley on Mr. Belvedere. Includes a picture of "the time Uecker was in his PCP-addiction phase." We've all had our suspicions over the years.

• Cum-Kleen Personal Wipes — Available in vanilla- or mango-scented. Sales are expected to quadruple when Britney finally does that PLayboy photoshoot.

• The Perception Laboratory's Face Transformer — Upload a pic and see what you'll look like when you're the Pope's age ... or when you've smoked as much as Brigitte Nielsen. (Found on Stephanie Klein's Greek Tragedy)

• PostSecret — A blog that scans in postcards from people sharing such secrets as: "I have the password to my ex-boyfriend's e-mail, and I go in and read and/or erase e-mails. He has no clue!" (Thanks, Emily)

• Do You Have a Type A Personality? — I do, according to this test. Apparently, I have qualities that are supposed to lead to success in athletics and business. What this online quiz does not know is that I also have qualities that lead to raging hangovers, playing guitar and writing ad jingles for a fictional bar named "Dirties," and nary giving a crap about anything business-related. (Found on J-Mo)

• Interesting Facts About Passing Gas — Did you know that at any one time, there is about 200 ml (a mugful) of gas in each person's gut? Did you know that about 500 types of bacteria live in our intestines? Did you know that my friends have slandered me on this site and made up stories of my farting and locking the windows on my car in high school? (Thanks, Rachel)

• eBay Item: Rocky Statue for $1 MIllion — And it's not even a one-of-a-kind. For real. I'm pretty sure that for a cool million I can get something similar sculpted. And on eBay, for god's sakes? Who's surfing around looking to spend $1 million on a likeness of Sylvester Stallone? (Thanks, Shumpy)

• Johnny Carson's Final Tonight Show Monologue — I'm late with this, but I haven't done Web Finds in awhile. Anyway, in 1992, he predicts that Carrot Top will be the next great comedian. Nah, just kidding.

• Interview With a Link Spammer — Anonymous leeches: the lowest form of thieves and cowards. It bothers me more than you'll know that I have to register commenters, all because my site attracts an audience. One day I was hit with many thousands of phony comments, and it got to the point where every day was a crapshoot — either hundreds or merely dozens. (Thanks, Ryan)

• Tara Reid Seeks Man, With Help of Ellen DeGeneres — Ellen's gonna screen videos of men longing to get with the New Jersey-raised party girl. At least someone's gonna find out if the fake left breast is as nasty as the right. (Thanks, Chris)