PaulKatcher.com

It's Official, My Ideal Job Is Porn Star

Break Tanyon Sturtze's right arm, so that he never pitches again.

Break Bret Prinz' right arm, so that he never pitches again.

Challenge Takeru Kobayashi in a White Castle-eating contest and take his ass out.

But those things will have to wait. Accoring to JobPredictor.com, I'm destined to be a porn star. Not just actor, mind you. Star. (Find your ideal job now by entering your name and clicking a button.)

This is interesting, as a former boss once told me he envisioned us one day partying poolside at a mansion built with money I made from a porn empire.

Once is a hint. Twice is a sign. I'm gonna have to give this adult industry some serious thought.

From the PK.com Archive: Would You Do Porn for $15 Million a Year?

Other Web Finds:

• Nine Innings From Ground Zero — HBO's special on the 2001 World Series and its connection to New York less than two months after 9/11 debuts Tuesday at 10 p.m. Baseball was just a game, and it was never so understood as it was then. But damn we needed that game in the fall of 2001.

• Frank King (a.k.a. John Edwards) — A lookalike who has some sample jokes and a pretty funny Real video of his work impersonating the vice presidential candidate. I hope I'm wrong, but I think he'd better get all the work he can out of this gig before election day. After that, it's probably lunch with the Lloyd Bentsen lookalikes.

• Photos: Hot Body Contest at the Clevelander Hotel — I was at one of these at the Clevelander in November 2001 and, let me tell you, it wasn't this good. Then again, South Beach was d-e-a-d in November 2001. Cowards. The Clevelander also hosts some of its own hot body contest photos.

• New Pics of New Mom Heidi Klum — New mom? What, I'm a dad already?

• Sony's Official Kriss Kross Website — Remember these cross-dressing little rappers? They ain't dead yet, though their tour page is conspicuously empty. And here I thought they had MSG sold out for the next week.

• Video: College Kids Light Chick's Ass on Fire — Documentation of the severely stupid.

• The Paris Hilton Collection, Exclusively at Amazon.com — Yeah, you're definitely on your way to being a serious jewelry designer by debuting your collection on what used to be a big-ass bookstore.

• Saddam Does Outkast's Hey Ya! — Special guest appearanes from Osasma and a cow. (And, no, they don't have sex ... yet.)

• "Walken Is Watching" Bathroom Sign — Just what you wanna look at when the turtle's peeking its head out. And don't miss the Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Do the "Astaire" or take your chances with someone trying to come into your stall!

NFL Wrap-Up: Week 1

Here's what I took away from Week 1.

• Two-and-a-half years ago, Tom Brady was considered an efficient, don't-screw-it-up cog in the machine who won Super Bowl XXXVI MVP honors despite completing only 16 passes for 145 yards and a touchdown. Now he's an aggressive offensive weapon, as valuable to the NFL's best team as any player in the league. Selected 199th overall in the sixth round of the 2000 draft, Brady was picked after Chad Pennington, Chris Redman, Giovanni Carmazzi, Tee Martin and Tim Rattay. Today, New England wouldn't trade him for anyone in the entire NFL. And can you believe the change of fates for Brady and his SB XXXVI counterpart, Kurt Warner?

• Joe Thiesmann said he wants to make an on-field ruling of "down by contact preceding a fumble" a challengeable call. As if a blown whistle doesn't affect anything that happens after it, such as players stopping and not attempting to retrieve a loose ball. Two minutes into Sunday night's game and Joey T. was in midseason form.

• Is Jerome Bettis thrilled to have scored three touchdowns or embarrassed that his career has deteriorated into being a human plow? He scored the most fantasy points ever for a guy who proved why he should be on your team's bench. Unless you're expecting a big season out of a guy who amassed one yard in five carries.

• When ESPN Countdown promised features on Deion Sanders, Terrell Owens and Warren Sapp "coming up," I went out for lunch. I'm guessing I didn't miss anything complimentary, unless they were talking of themselves.

• I heard where Deion didn't defend a pass or make a tackle in his debut, then did not speak to reporters after the game. I guess he didn't have an answer for the most obvious question, "Is all your shit-talking applicable to Week 2, as well?"

• Teams whose fans are very happy Monday: Vikings (Dallas' D was supposed to be its strong unit), Patriots (it ain't broke), Jets (the schedule gets even easier), Redskins (if the goal is a wild-card, 1-0 against an NFC team is a great start), Eagles (couldn't ask for more, but it was only the Giants).

• Teams whose fans took the biggest hits: Ravens (easily the most disappointing of Week 1), Cowboys (Minny's tough, but ya gotta be nervous), Saints (same 'ol, same 'ol), Colts (if only because that red, white and blue monkey is still on their backs).

• Long, long seasons ahead: Giants, Texans, Bears, Dolphins, 49ers.

• Michael Vick: Just an OK player? Against one of the NFL's worst teams, he tallied 163 yards passing and 10 yards rushing. Not what we expected two seasons ago.

• Paul Maguire bested his own NFL record by saying, "I'm a tell ya what" 142 times in one Sunday night broadcast. Best wishes to regular ESPN play-by-play man Mike Patrick as he recuperates from triple-bypass surgery, but what a treat it was to hear Pat Summerall back in the booth. Less screaming = better telecast. Though going from Patrick to Summerall was like replacing Don King with Marcel Marceau. Maybe too much of a contrast with the other two screamers.

• Major props to John Madden for not biting when Al Michaels tried to set up Corey Dillon as some kind of tortured soul Cincinnati. Madden opined that maybe Dillon wasn't the kind of guy to help them turn things around. A rare and welcomed critique.

• Does Jeremy Shockey still play for the Giants? I couldn't tell. I've never seen a player of such supposed caliber absolutely disappear from games. Nor can I remember a play he impacted where he didn't catch the ball.

• Great Moments in Gambling History: With 2:37 left in the Eagles-Giants game, Philly had its 9-point spread comfortably covered with a 31-10 lead and New York safely its own territory. Then a Tiki Barber TD romp, a three-and-out, and an Eli Manning-led drive brought the Giants to the red zone with 45 seconds left and a chance to turn Vegas sports books upside down. Alas, Manning is still looking for the license plate of the truck that ran him over with 21 seconds remaining, in essence ending the game. (All this from memory? No way. Check out NFL.com's incredibly detailed, new-for-2004 game summary.)

• With a new season comes new commercials and so far the best is the NFL.com fantasy football spot, where Michael Strahan and Tony Gonzalez buddy up with their owners, and Peyton Manning holds up a cheesy, little trophy and says, "This is what I play for." The worst? Every plug for a new fall TV series, and the return of "Subway" Jared Fogle.

• I don't want to hear another god-damn thing about the Chiefs' defense — the one that's been "improved" each of the last five seasons — until they hold a decent team under 30 points. Seriously, it's a joke.

• Fantasy Jackpot: Broncos RB Quentin Griffin. Now you know you're getting 1,200-1,500 yards and 12-15 TDs that's typical for any Denver starting back.

• Not downing a single chicken wing was blasphemy, but I did manage to put away pizza, nachos, a pulled pork sandwich, mac and cheese, and beer. My stomach is loving me.

• Week 2 Games to Look Forward To: Carolina at Kansas City (can't drop to 0-2 at home), Minnesota at Philadelphia (NFC favorite TBD?), Denver at Jacksonville (good test for young QB), Pittsburgh at Baltimore (could result in an elated 2-0 team and a panicked 0-2 one).

Review: Oriole Park at Camden Yards

View 29 photos from Friday night/Saturday afternoon.

Point-by-point, my observations:

The Tickets: Earlier this week, through MLB.com, I ordered two tickets in Section 326, Row A for $15 each face and $40 total once all the B.S. charges were added. Nice upper-deck view, behind the home dugout, for what would eventually be a sold-out game. Picking them up at the Will Call window took all of 30 seconds. As expected, Row A was a good 12 rows from the front. Expected only because I'm used to seating assignments intended to deceive customers into buying tickets that sound better than they actually are.

The Pre-Game Drink-Up: $1 drafts at a few outdoor bars across the street from the stadium. Not just 8-oz. mini piss cups, but legitimate 12-oz. drafts of familiar domestics, with no line and no hassle, allowing us to mingle with other fans in the glorious late-summer weather. By comparison, Yankee Stadium has a disastrous pre-game environment, with customers paying $7 a bottle to drink in packed bars on River Avenue.

Yankees Fans: Singles, couples, men, women, entire families; we were everywhere. Tens of thousands, all sporting navy-blue t-shirts or pinstriped jerseys. People often exaggerate about the ratio of home and road fans in these instances, but I would say the crowd was pretty much split down the middle, with local O's backers populating the better seats in the season-ticket holders' sections and Yankees fans absolutely dominating the upper tiers. People wearing Yankees regalia far outweighed those in orange and black; our section resembled a Yankees Clubhouse store. I saw only a few Cal Ripken shirts, but many more honoring a fellow hero of the same era, The Greatest Living Ball Player, Don Mattingly.

The Game: Counting Saturday's victory, the Yankees are 8-3 since their 22-0 home debacle, getting a solid start in every game but one. Guess which one I happened to be at? Javy Vazquez and a parade of scrubs got pounded, turning a 3-2 lead into a 10-3 deficit in the third inning, the last I would remain in my seat, en route to a 14-8 loss.

Orioles Fans/Yankee-Haters: If only it was easier to tell, from someone's appearance who was:

a) a longtime Orioles fan, a knowledgable baseball lover with an appreciation for the proud history of both teams; or

b) a jaded, whiny, antagonistic, Yankee-hating asswipe whose first words to you are "Yankees suck!"

I ran into plenty of both. You appreciate the first kind, pity the second (always, always males) for allowing alcohol to give them license to accost tourists simply because of their shirt. Happens everywhere. Happened at Wrigley. Happened at the Superdome for Giants fans. Happens, in New York, unfortunately. Happens everywhere the beers flow.

Movin' on Up: When your team's getting hammered, you can either sit in your seat and get heckled (no thanks) or stick and move. A better idea is to hang out with a police sergeant out by the concessions, drilling beers and learning that more than 107 cops, far more than the usual 38, were assigned to work the game. No problems were reported Friday night, and he said no police officer gets the day off during the Preakness. We then made our move to the lower deck, easing into fifth-row seats down the right-field line. A nearby usher was as pleasant as the rest of the local workers, sharing that Yankees fans can be a bit of a pain, especially cops and fireman who come down and drink too much. Didn't surprise me a bit.

The Mystery Yankee: My travel companion and I walked straight from the game to a bar called Pete's in Inner Harbor. Standing among the throng of college-aged partiers was a freshly showered, prominent Yankee, one making more than $10 million a year (don't they all?). He declined her request for a picture, saying that he "wasn't supposed to be here." Polite guy, though. God knows what he was doing standing among college kids by himself. God knows how he even beat us there.

Pete's: A local told us to hit this Inner Harbor joint after the game, as they serve 32-oz. beers for $4 and outdoor casino tables that play for real money, with proceeds going to support a local hospital. The place was way too packed for my tastes, but when a seat opened up at a $5 blackjack table, I was much more comfortable. It was amateur night, for sure. Like the cheesiest Vegas table times ten, a lot of bad plays, a lot of cheap bets, a lot of drunks zoning out instead of playing their hands, nobody cheering each other on. So despite warnings that it wasn't a fair game, I played a bunch of $50 hands (the maximum), losing my last three and contributing $200 to the hospital, double that of my friend. The dealer hit 21 so many times it was ridiculous. You'd think the deck was devoid of face cards, except for the fact the dealer drew them time and again.

Biltmore Suites Hotel: A 25-room Victorian style hotel a dozen blocks from Camden Yards in a not-so-great part of Mount Vernon, it proved to be just fine for $85/night. Why spend double or triple that for a night when cabs are readily available in Inner Harbor? The staff was perfectly pleasant. Just don't expect the Four Seasons.

Inner Harbor: We weren't staying for the 4:30 p.m. Saturday game, but we did grab lunch in Baltimore's South Street Seaport-like setting. The place was crawling with Yankees' fans, a N.Y. shirt or hat was spotted at more than half of every restaurant's table. Only this time nobody was being harassed for quietly displaying support for his team. Funny how that happens when people aren't drunk.

Overall: Awesome, awesome scene. Camden Yards and Inner Harbor is a great party, but it's not gimmicky. There's still a lot of baseball history there. Yanks-Orioles may be just another game in the Bronx, but not so in Baltimore. Definitely much more of an event, and definitely worth the trip for any Yanks fan. Next year I'll be down for an entire weekend or two, for sure.

Review: Bringing Down the House

Though it looked all that easy then, in the mid-'90s, when several team members would hit the casino floors with the following duties:

Spotters: Four or so players, at different tables, would consistently bet the minimum, keeping mostly to basic strategy and making a few mistakes so as to blend in like an ordinary, non-threatening bettor. Their win/loss ratio was unimportant. What mattered most was their inconspicuous, continuous tally of the "shoe count." Cards 2-6 were counted as +1. A 10, face card or ace was a -1. Cards 7,8 and 9 were neutral. When the shoe count was high, which mathematically gave the player a slight advantage over the house, the spotter would nonverbally signal in a Big Player.

Big Players: Typically two on the floor at a time, the BP's would meander around, read the spotters' signals, get passed the count inconspicuously, and bet big according to the healthy decks of remaining cards.

And the best part? It's all legal. As long as players don't affect the outcome of the deal or use an electronic device to count, counting is not a crime. But casinos have the right to ask you to leave, which is why the team went to great lengths to not draw suspicion, never acknowledging each other on the floor.

A stream of big money of everything else that comes with the high rolling — comped suites, women, assigned casino hosts — followed. Till someone, somewhere pieced it all together and notified casinos around the country. The jig was up, but $3 million too late.

I rolled through this book in just a few sittings, and that's pretty much my criteria for a "good" book, but I wouldn't say it's a great one. There are so many unanswered questions. Like how could pit bosses not be suspicious of a high-roller known on a first-name basis who keeps coming in mid-shoe and winning big? Don't they notice that a familiar-looking face, albeit one betting the minimum, is always at the table when the high-roller does his damage? Don't they notice that these "reckless" high-rollers only played blackjack?

The book can also be a bit tedious. It can be overly descriptive at times — colors and smells and specific types of sushi and all that — and yet we never even hear how the BP adjust's his bet according to the shoe count until the last few pages. Throughout the book, that missing element was driving me crazy. And what happened if a BP came into a hot shoe and then the count ran low? We never know, which is why I felt like I was reading a dumbed-down version of what the book could have been. And for that reason and more, this book will almost certainly be made into a movie ... starring Ben Affleck.

In Five Words or Less: Overall Good, With Some Holes

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Review: Erocktica Returns to NYC

Pics are not safe for work. Password to view folder is "erocktica"

I don't post a lot of nude pictures on this site. Only when they speak to more than masturbation. You probably don't need, or want, me to help with that.

But I do promote the work of original artists, those who celebrate freedom, people with guts. They show us that there's life beyond your couch and a viewing of The Apprentice. The kind of people who, at 2 a.m. on a regular Wednesday night/Thursday morning in Manhattan, will get a rock club jumping with a mix of guitars, drums, whipped cream and g-strings.

Erocktica (Pink Snow, Jailbait, Profanity and the boys) is my kind of people, and I posted a bunch of shots from their performance at Don Hill's — password to view folder is "erocktica" — on BITCH night, a showcase of less uninhibited though no less talented female rockers that included such acts as Bikini Contest, Stark (featuring WLPJ's talented Lani Ford) and Honor Among Thieves.

I'd seen Erocktica only once before, back when they were called Porn Rock, and the music this time seemed much improved. But it's not all about the music. It's not even all about the girls or the stuffed penises or the cheerleader outfits. It's the whole package. It's loud but more proud. It's goofy and poignant. It's freedom of expression, maybe not as our forefathers envisioned, but Thomas Jefferson wasn't much into rock 'n' roll anyway.

From the opening chorus of P-O-R-N in America to the big climax, Naked, in which the entire audience is invited to come on stage as such, Erocktica is the band your parents warned you about, and probably wish they could stay up late enough to see them.

2004 NFL Season Preview

Here are some other sure things:

• An elderly woman will crap her pants while watching a Ray Lewis commercial.

• Somebody in a bar will get beaten badly for cheering against the local team, all because the opposition's QB is on his fantasy team.

• Jamal Lewis will plea bargain and not miss any time, because no active athlete ever does.

• Sebastian Janikowski will get arrested for something involving narcotics, nudity or urination. Perhaps all three.

• Chris Berman will have more hair than last year.

PROJECTED DIVISION STANDINGS

AFC East:

1. Patriots. Fifteen straight wins and counting, New England has a legit shot to win its third Super Bowl in four years. You think back to when Bill Parcells and Bill Belichick were on the same coaching staff and suddenly that Super Bowl XXV victory over Buffalo no longer seems like an upset.

2. Jets. You could leave Herman Edwards and Chad Pennington in a field with a pile of sticks and bricks, and they'll have a house built in a week. That's how much I admire their intelligence and ability to inspire. If you ever thought that watching sports couldn't tach kids much about life, look no further than the strong and sensitive black coach and the former Rhodes Scholar candidate who grew up in West Virginia.

3. Bills. If ever there was a team capable of losing by three touchdowns on the road one week then routing a team at home the next, this is it.

4. Dolphins. The Miami Herald might as well just start a weekly "Can Things Get Any Worse?" column.

AFC Central:

1. Ravens. Some of the top individual talent in the game: Ray and Jamal Lewis, Reed, Ogden, Heap, McAllister and Boulware. If they can get anything out of the QB position, they'll be fine. And this is a team that won the Super Bowl with Trent Dilfer.

2. Bengals. I definitely like 'em, though the indoctrination of Carson Palmer might not help. I'm thinking if this team ever developed a home-field advantage, like the Ravens, they could be dangerous.

3. Steelers. I'd keep the antacid tabs close. I see a lot of frustrating, close losses in their future. Say it, don't spray it, Cowher!

4. Browns. As long as none of their players throws a helmet to lose a game, they might win six.

AFC South:

1. Colts. May be the most interesting team to watch on television. Their offense is a god-damn clinic.

2. Titans. Jeff Fisher is the Bobby Cox of the NFL. The team is right there every year, no matter what.

3. Jaguars. Peter King says Byron Leftwich is good for 3,300 yards and 24 touchdowns. If so, this team challenges for a playoff spot.

4. Texans. I'm not feeling it at all.

AFC West:

1. Chiefs. Supposed to have shored up their defense. Just like the last three years. Similar to the Colts, and Indy made them look silly on their home field last playoff season.

2. Broncos. A sleeper pick by some, but I think there's a cap on how far they can go. I don't think they're quite up there with the heavyweights this year, but a playoff season is possible.

3. Raiders. In a weaker division, they might have a chance. They'll be better, but not enough to overtake the Chiefs and Broncos.

4. Chargers. You might see five non-Tomlinson highlights on SportsCenter all season. In the 2001 NFL Draft, the Chargers traded down from No. 1 to No. 5, where they scooped up L.T. The players before him were: Michael Vick (Falcons), Leonard Davis (Cardinals), Gerard Warren (Browns) and Justin Smith (Bengals). Considering L.T.'s accolades all emanate from physical ability — intangibles show up in big games, and he hasn't played in any — it's a wonder that many teams missed on him.

NFC East:

1. Redskins. The 'Skins added Brunell, Portis and, most importantly, Joe Gibbs, in the offseason. Ever since Dan Snyder took over, you didn't know whether they'd go 6-10 or 10-6. I like the latter this time.

2. Eagles. While Washington added a proven leader in Gibbs, Philly added a proven asshole in Terrell Owens. The Eagles are still obviously a threat to lose their fourth NFC title game in a row.

3. Cowboys. I'm not high on this team at all. Dr. Z. has 'em at 6-10, while Peter King has 'em at 11-5. King is also a friend of Bill Parcells.

4. Giants. If only they were all young, I wouldn't care. But aside from Eli, what's to look forward to?

NFC North:

1. Packers. A lot of people like Minny here, but I favor Favre-Green over Culpepper-Moss in a big spot. Found some great reactions from Favre after an ill-fated pass doomed the Packers in last year's playoff loss at Philly. Oh, Atlanta. What might have been if you just didn't trade the dude. Then again, would Favre have been the same player in Atlanta that he's been in Green Bay?

2. Vikings. First Gary Anderson, now Morten Andersen. If Jan Stenerud ever comes out of retirement, they'll sign him, too.

3. Lions. Suck.

4. Bears. Suck worse.

NFC South:

1. Panthers. Much like the Patriots, I don't see any reason to doubt they'll be just as good this year. The Super Bowl fourth quarter made Jake Delhomme, and DeShaun Foster's 33-yard TD run was awesome.

2. Falcons. Nowhere to go but up this year. I think, though, that perception on Michael Vick went from him being one of the best players in the NFL to being one of the most intriguing. As good as he can be, could he ever equal Randall Cunningham in 1990 (3,466 yards and 30 TDs passing; 942 yards and 5 TDs rushing)?

3. Saints. Deuce McAllister may be the best player in the division, Vick or no Vick.

4. Buccaneers. I'm thinking 7-9. Maybe 9-7 if everything goes right, and that won't be enough.

NFC West:

1. Seahawks. It took Mike Holmgren some time. but I think the team is where he wants it to be right now.

2. Rams. You know the drill. If Marshall Faulk stays healthy.

3. Cardinals. I'm big on Dennis Green turning this thing around. Maybe not this year, but I see a lot of positives coming out of 2004, Emmitt Smith notwithstanding.

4. 49ers. Watching them this year, you won't even believe they enjoyed the longest sustained greatness in NFL history.

PLAYOFF TREE

Wild Card Round:
Eagles over Vikings
Packers over Rams
Broncos over Ravens
Chiefs over Bengals

Divisional Round:
Patriots over Broncos
Colts over Chiefs
Redskins over Eagles
Seahawks over Packers

Conference Championships:
Colts over Patriots
Seahawks over Redskins

Super Bowl:
Colts over Seahawks

NFL Season Preview Links:

• NFL's 100 Best Players — I agree that Peyton Manning and LaDainian Tomlinson are the two best players in the game, but I doubt there's a GM out there who wouldn't take Manning's next five years over anyone else's, Tomlinson or otherwise. How about Tom Brady going from unranked (out of 100) to No. 9 in one year? The most important player, by far, on the NFL's best team, deserves such a jump. Ravens have five of the top 31, and they're still no lock to win their division.

• Sports Illustrated's NFL Scouting Reports — Ya gotta love Dr. Z. calculating final projected records for all the teams. His 7-9 mark for the Giants is the most optimistic I've seen. And three wins for the Chargers is not gonna win me that $20 I placed on them in Vegas to win more than 4½ games.

• Peter King's Crystal Ball — I think all those Starbucks lattes are going to King's head, as he picks Jake Plummer as league MVP for the 10th straight year. He's got the Cowboys in the NFC Championship, and that's a lot of faith in Bill Parcells, because how can you make that pick with an offense reliant on Testaverde, George and Johnson?

• ESPN's Experts Picks — Like I even had to check who Joe Theismann was gonna pick for Coach of the Year. Shocker, it's Joe Gibbs! Only one of 15 others, Sean Salisbury, agrees with him. Michael Smith picks Dave Wannstedt for Coach of the Year, which may be fine if having a ridiculous-looking mustache was one of the criteria, but otherwise, I see Wannstedt pretty much wanting to kill himself by season's end.

• ESPN.com's NFL Power Rankings — Ravens at 6, Vikings at 7 and Cowboys at 12 seem too high. Rams at 16 and Redskins at 20 seem too low.

• NFL Cheerleader Links — Neither of the New York teams stand for cheerleaders. So I guess watching Kurt Warner fumble and the Jets getting steamrolled by the Pats will have to do.

Once Again, It's BITCH Night at Don Hill's

Wednesday night, look no further than Don Hill's (511 Greenwich St. at Spring St.) for what promises to be another successful BITCH night, a showcase of some of the best female rockers in town.

After surviving another summer at the Jersey Shore, packed like sardines in bars that, yep, catered to guys with their collars turned up dancing foolishly to such crap as Come on Eileen and Jessie's Girl, I'm more than looking forward to the rocking sounds of V.O.X., Stark, Honor Among Thieves and the headliners, Erocktica. And I guess the bikini contest won't hurt.

If you plan to attend — and even if you don't — here are some links you might find interesting:

• Full Disclosure: Erocktica Singer Pink Snow — My interview with the naughty lead singer from last October, when the band was still called Porn Rock. The band's name has changed, but they still play Twister in g-strings and whipped cream.

• BITCH Night Pics — A collection of photos from nearly 40 BITCH night events at Don Hill's.

• My Own BITCH Night Photos — Shots from an April event hosted by KISSNATION. Ana Lovelis' Love Gun is not to be missed.

• Erocktica Movies — View moving images of half-naked (or less) Pink Snow, Jailbait and Profanity performing such hits as Porn in America and Sugar in Spain. Plus some dancing with C.C. DeVille and media interviews.

• Erocktica Show Photos — There's something about a chick with inflatable boobs and an inflatable guitar that really gets me going.

Coming Tomorrow on PK.com: NFL Season Preview ... and BITCH night pictures!

The Greatest Games of the Past 25 Years

My Personal No. 1: Yankees Over Red Sox in Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS. An obvious choice, a game written about endlessly here, tabbed last year as my favorite sports victory ever, beating out the Giants' victory in Super Bowl XXV, the Yanks taking a 2-0 lead over the Mariners in the 1995 ALDS and Syracuse winning the 2003 men's basketball championship. It was one of the five greatest nights of my life, and the other four involve women. I'll always remember it all, perfect strangers in a packed bar supporting each other throughout, Dustin Hoffman coming in late and leaving early, that Sox chick who talked shit early and is now probably in the Witness Protection Program, the cabs honking, the beer flying, the jumping in the streets, the shots and shots and shots in celebration, hearing that Sox fan in near-tears moan "I can't believe we lost" and reminding him of his locale by offering "WE won," showing up at physical therapy at noon the next day still drunk, arriving at work still in my Yankees jersey a couple hours later, waving hello to my Sox-fan boss and knowing he definitely wasn't gonna call me and my pinstripes into his office for any reason whatsoever.

The Slam-Dunk Consensus No. 1: U.S.A. Over Russia in the 1980 Olympics. I wasn't yet seven years old, and I was no more a hockey fan then than I am now. (Now hockey ranks around No. 593 among Things I Like to Watch, right after grass-growing, paint-drying and Tanya Harding honeymoon sex videos.) Anyway, I'm finally gonna let it out: This game is overrated! How much does a Jim Craig autograph go for, $10? Can you name one Russian player (first or last name)? People are gonna vote this No. 1 because they think they're supposed to, but I guarantee Tennessee alumni cherish their 1999 football championship more, that Bears fans wouldn't trade the 1985 Super Bowl for the 1980 gold medal and a million dollars, and that there are a lot less mementoes related to this game decorating this country's offices than those related to the Rangers' 1994 Stanley Cup, the Royals' 1985 World Series victory or the Rockets' back-to-back NBA titles in 1994-95.

ESPN has been counting down the top 100 moments for a few months. No. 2 was the Mets' 1986 comeback, No. 3 was Gibson's homer, No. 4 was McGwire's 62nd and No. 5 was Rose being banned from baseball. (Four baseball in the top 5? Maybe the game isn't the national "passed time."). It's clear that the 1980 gold medal will be No. 1, even though you'd have to brain-dead to think it wasn't the O.J. Simpson trial. O.J.'s arrest came in at No. 10 and the verdict was No. 11. But gimme a break. The whole thing was No. 1, and nothing else was even close.

The Only One That Hurt: Diamondbacks Over Yankees in Game 7 of the 2001 World Series. Getting too upset over this game is like complaining about the after-dinner drink at Daniel. But after all that happened several weeks earlier, wouldn't a comeback victory by New York have been great? Still, I was at least happy for Luis Gonzalez, whom I interviewed at the 1999 MLB All-Star Game, his first of four, and who proved to be a nice chap. Can't have anything but respect for Randy Johnson, either. What a dominating series, if a total flashback to 1995. Face it, the man is Satan with a mullet.

The Only One I Attended: Mets Over Red Sox in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series. Fearing a cold-war takeover by the Mets in the hearts and minds of New Yorkers, I rooted for, my god, the Red Sox. I've never before and never since seen a stadium shake. It shook, people. Little did I know that the game was all pre-determined, that the Sox never had a chance, not in Game 6 and not when they carried a 3-0 lead into the bottom of the sixth inning in Game 7. Cocaine, alcohol and General George M. Steinbrenner III took care of the Cold War. The Mets' cache in New York right now is about as strong as the Russian economy. Or its space program. Or its submarine program. Take your pick.

It's Not April Fool's, Is It? The 1999 Ryder Cup is one of the 25 greatest games in the last quarter century? C'mon, over the 1980 Holiday Bowl? Over the Pats-Raiders "tuck game?" Better than every NBA game other than Game 6 of the 1998 Finals, the only one among the 25 nominees? Dude, Cubs fans were throwing up on themselves in Game 6 of last year's NLCS. I guarantee you the 1999 Ryder Cup did not have the same dramatic effect.

A Moment Does Not Make a Great Game: I'm all for listing Krik Gibson's homer in Game 1 of the 1988 World Series as one of the greatest moments in the last 25 years. But one of the greatest games? No way. It's a fast-forward game, plain and simple. If the thing is scheduled to air on ESPN Classic from 8-11 p.m., you know full well to tune in at 10:45. It was Game 1, for Christ's sake. It wasn't a must-win for either team, by any account.

My Top-Five Predictions: U.S.A. over Russia, Duke over Kentucky, 2003 ALCS Game 7, 1991 World Series Game 7, Pats over Rams in Super Bowl.

Meet My Kick-Ass Madden 2005 Giants Franchise

That's also one of the bad things, because guys like me end up spending waaaay too much time tinkering with teams like the Giants, fooling myself into thinking they'll win more than six games this year. (Although, Dr. Z.'s Sports Illustrated predicts that Big Blue will go 7-9.)

In Season 1, I put my settings on All-Pro and took the G-Men all the way to the promised land, winning the Super Bowl with Kurt Warner and team MVP Paul Katcher, a 5-11, 180-pound running back with a 99 rating in everything. I had to pay for such greatness, but the handsome free-agent pick-up was well worth the salary cap hit.

In Season 2, I gave Eli Manning a shot, not wanting to get any phone calls from his dad, and he took us back to the big game, then threw five interceptions against the Patriots in a loss. Well, I went all Steinbrenner on the team, firing just about everyone but Katcher, who had another great season. Somehow I left my roster about five players short with no salary cap room and not enough patience to work things out with a number of trades. I did what any GM would do: delete the franchise and start from scratch.

Only this time, I was sick of the current Giants roster and participated in a fantasy draft, picking only young, talented, cheaply priced talent. It was like being a porn director for a day. My first five picks were Ed Reed, Jamal Lewis, Roy Williams, Todd Heap and Aaron Brooks. I wanted to be strong up the middle, where the game is won, because, unlike on the ends of the field, you can actually see what the hell is going on on the TV. The Pro Bowl safeties limited my chances of giving up a big play, and allowed me to blitz and let those guys cover receivers one-on-one. I picked up some shitty receivers whose overall ratings were in the 70s, but with speed in the mid- to upper-90s. They couldn't catch the clap from a street whore, but at times they proved to be as dangerous as the DEA at Burning Man.

This time there was no Super Bowl appearance, as it was Aaron Brooks' turn to do a Ryan Leaf impersonation, going something like 5-for-25 with four interceptions in a divisional round loss to the Buccaneers. Even though this was, as Bill Simmons has coined it, a "No Fucking Way Game" — one in which Madden predetermines you'll never in a million years win this one — Brooks had to go. Thanks to my Billy Beane-like frugality in the draft, I was $32 million under the cap in the offseason. This allowed my to pay Madden cover boy Ray Lewis whatever he wanted (including legal fees), adding him and Daunte Culpepper as free-agent acquisitions.

With my dream team of players I really don't like in real life, I started the season 6-0, then let the computer simulate Big Blue to a 14-2 record, tying the 1986 squad as the greatest in New York history. Only I couldn't get in done in the Super Bowl, losing to the Chiefs and their Joe Montana in the making, Tom Brady. I've never felt so much like a Buffalo Bills fan. Then again, I did win one out of three.

So now, we're in Season 3 of the new New York Giants, with no less than seven players with a 99 rating. Already in Week 1, I knocked out Atlanta's Kyle Boller for four weeks. Well, I didn't do it, really. Madden did. My enjoyment of team management over actual playing has gotten to the point where I had the CPU play both sides, and I just sat their and watched, like a proud papa watching his sons bully kids in a playground. Simulation has its frustrations, such as watching Madden run hook patterns on 3rd-and-12 and punting on 4th and inches (something you can convert with a QB sneak about 99.99 percent of the time.) Somehow, though, I think it's gonna be better than watching the real Giants this year.

Here's how my team stacks up, with player ratings, which I bumped through successful training camp drills, in parenthesis.

Quarterbacks:
Daunte Culpepper (95)
Ben Roethlisbergr (72)

Halfbacks:
Jamal Lewis (99)
T.J. Duckett (82)

Fullback:
Joey Goodspeed (90)

Wide Receivers:
Devery Henderson (81, speed 96)
Charles Francis (73, speed 95)
Ty Thomas (72, speed 98)

Tight Ends:
Todd Heap (99)
Dallas Clark (90)

Offensive Line:
Olin Kreutz (99)
Brian Waters (95)
LeCharles Bentley (95)
Mike Pearson (88)
Kevin Barry (84)

Defensive Line:
Kenechi Udeze (94)
Raheem Brock (92)
Cornelius Griffin (92)
Kelly Gregg (91)

Linebackers:
Ray Lewis (99)
Akin Ayodele (96)
Nick Barnett (96)

Cornerbacks:
Asante Samuel (93)
Travis Fisher (92)
Willie Middlebrooks (87)

Safeties:
Ed Reed (99)
Roy Williams (99)
Jon McGraw (92)

Punter:
Brian Moorman (99)

Kicker:
Neil Rackers (79)

I'm telling you, Rich Kotite could win a Super Bowl with this team, with Ray Handley and Barry Switzer as his coordinators.

The Weekend Link Dump

Sports:

• Yankees' Brown Breaks Non-Pitching Hand Punching Wall — Unbelievable. I don't even know who we lost. Our ace? No, that's El Duque. Our No. 2? No, that's Mussina, but he stinks. It feels like they have no chance at this point, and yet they're seven losses up for any postseason spot and two losses up for homefield advantage in the AL playoffs. On pace to win 100 games, they're pretty much an embarrassment right now. And that's irrespective of what the Red Sox are doing. Kudos, but not genuflection, to them for playing as well as they should have been all year, even if it was at the cost of running out a local hero. But the Yanks can't be dropping games to bums with a tenuous lead to protect.

• 10 Must-See NFL Games in the Season's First Month — SI.com's Don Banks' list includes such games as Indianapolis at New England, an awesome opening-night matchup (even though I'm not big on the Thursday night season-openers) and Minnesota at Philadelphia, a Monday Night affair that could see Terrell Owens make Randy Moss, by comparison, look as sportsmanlike as Barry Sanders.

• Admit it America, We're All Racist — As expected, Jason Whitlock responds to the thousands of e-mails he received criticizing his take on America's disenchantment with the Dream Team. Allow me to recap the argument. Jason: You don't like the Dream Team because they're black. America: The Dream Team embodied so little about what we admire about Olympians. We root for black competitors in other events, and my favorite athlete ever is Walter Payton/Sammy Sosa/David Robinson. Jason: I root for Tiger Woods because he's black, and that means you're racist, too.

• Giambi Officially on Steroids... — ... to treat a benign tumor in his pituitary gland, according to sources. Giambi still is not commenting, and the somewhat weird secrecy about the matter is because "pituitary tumors have been anecdotally associated with anabolic steroid and human growth hormone use, but medical experts say there has been no documented connection." I have said this all week to my friends. If steroid use had anything to do with Giambi's body betraying him to this extent, it might be nice of him to warn the public even more about the dangers of 'roids. But that's a big if. Who knows what's going on. Maybe his denials are truthful and maybe he'll pull a Kobe and deliver some bizarre apology down the road.

• Bronx Banter Interviews Buster Olney — A lengthy Q&A with the author of The Last Night of the Yankee Dynasty," about the loss to the Diamondbacks in Game 7 of the 2001 World Series. Olney provides some deep perspective on the effect the players had in the clubhouse and with the media, and how the team from 1996-2001 was able to remain so successful. He also shares some candid thoughts on the current state of affairs in the Bronx.

• 84 Reasons Why 1984 Was the Best — Bill Simmons manages to work into his latest Page 2 column 43,182 pop culture references, breaking his record by 16. Among the dignitaries noted: Christy Canyon, Jason Bateman and Menudo. What a year, indeed.

• My Photos From Yankee Stadium Thursday Night — Same kind of shots you always see me take there, so that's why I didn't feature them. Nothing too special this time around.

News:

• The GOP's Dirty Z-Bomb — The Washington Post's E.J. Dionne Jr. on Democrat Zell Miller's speech Wednesday trashing John Kerry at the Republican National Convention. Dionne tries to explain the stuff Miller "just made up" about Kerry and fellow Democratic leaders. Also, if you missed Miller's interview with Chris Matthews, you can view the video now. In it, Miller gets all flustered because he's asked such tough questions as, "Do you believe, truthfully, that John Kerry wants to defend the country with spitballs?" He also tells Matthews to "get out of my face" and (gasp!) wishes he could challenge him to a duel. From Miller's own website, an introduction for John Kerry at a 2001 dinner. Excerpt: "My job tonight is an easy one: to present to you one of this nation's authentic heroes, one of this party's best-known and greatest leaders — and a good friend."

• Britney Spears' Used Gum on eBay — Don't bother bidding. I'm gonna win it. And if you were smart, you'd throw some gum up there and just say it's Britney's. Or just put Britney + Gum in your item's header to cash in on the attention. (Thanks, Pee Wee)

• Motley Crue Members Set for Reality Shows — Tommy Lee: The Naked Truth and The Remaking of Vince Neil are coming to a TV near you. And when they do, I'll probably be playing Madden 2005. Or out getting drunk somewhere. One of the two.

• Tales of the City, Revisited — TIME magazine answers some questions about post-9/11 New York. Has Manhattan recovered yet? Not quite. How are the survivors doing? Use of alcohol, cigarettes and marijuana are up. Scars run deepest for those who were closest. What's happened to "America's Mayor?" Look no further than the consulting and investment firm Giuliani Partners, which brings in almost double the revenue per employee than Goldman Sachs.

• Katie Boring Weds Nathan Bland — The headline is like a Jay Leno wet dream.

• People Actually Trying to Cash George W. Bush $200 Bill — One cashier actually gave $50 change on this. I have to move to Roanoke Rapids, N.C. (Thanks, Art.)

• Naked Man Only One Comfortable With His Body — From The Onion: "While [Geoffrey] Danvers characterized his naked body as 'no big deal,' others dubbed it 'gross,' 'embarrassing,' and 'tragic.'"

• The AP Changes 'Boos' to 'Ooohs' in Report on Bush and Clinton — Turns out the crowd Bush was speaking to did not boo his announcement of prayers for Bill Clinton's speedy recovery.

Web Finds:

• David Pogue's Song Parodies — Some goofy years-old songs cracking on Microsoft and Steve Jobs, from an author of the New York Times' Circuits section.

• Miss Universe Accidentally Exposes Thong in Fashion Show — A photo sequence of Jennifer Hawkins stepping on her dress and ripping it off. (More.) Like something out of a Leslie Nielsen movie.

• Seniors Rule! — Yearbook photos accompanied by snarky commentary.

• eBay Store: Tickets From My Ass — Hey, at least the feedback rating is solid. Only one buyer not satisfied with tickets bought from this person's ass.

• Photo: Man's Three Willie Nelson Tattoos on Leg — Fotki.com contest entry. Not weird at all.

Best Individual Sports Seasons of the Last 25 Years

Their latest, the 100 Greatest Individual Seasons of the Last 25 Years is intriguing, as it's perfectly debatable and not a tired one, like top 10 Super Bowl moments or something.

But "greatest" lists always involve a lot of hair-splitting. That being said, he's my laser.

No. 6: Steve Young in 1994. I'm still amazed at how many people dismiss Young in debates of greatest QBs. C'mon, as great as Dan Marino was — and he's always included among the conversation — Steve Young was a guy capable of completing over 70 percent of his passes and scoring seven TDs with his legs. And that's just what he did in 1994, a season he capped by tossing a never-to-be-topped six touchdowns in the Super Bowl. The QB has two jobs — move the ball and lead — and he was great at both.

No. 8: Barry Sanders in 1988. Without question it's the best college football season of all time, and I think a legit contender for No. 1 in this spot. One line in the ESPN piece says it all: "In one five-game stretch, he rushed for 320, 215, 312, 293 and 332 yards." You can't even do that in a video game. Barry scored 39 TDs that season, one of the 25 NCAA records he set playing in a major conference in 1988. Even though he won the Heisman Trophy in a rout, seven other players garnered first-place votes for the award, including Tony Mandarich and Timm Rosenbach. (See voting results.) That, my friends, is absurd. I once wrote a post tabbing Sanders as the greatest college football player ever and was astounded that Deion Sanders was ranked ahead of him in a list published in College Football News. I wrote at the time: "Let me tell you something: If two recruits come for a campus visit and one guy is capable of scoring 39 TDs in 12 games and the other is good at covering receivers, you call every hooker in town, give them the A.D.'s credit card number, and make sure they know which one averages 7.6 yards per carry."

No. 22: Dwight Gooden in 1985. I know Pedro's 1999 season (23-4, 2.07 ERA) was placed ahead of Gooden's (24-4, 1.53 ERA) because of the advancement of offense, but lord was this guy good. Following his electric Rookie of the Year season with this one, Mets fans rightfully looked forward to Gooden dominating batters for an entire decade to come. I am reminded of a quote Gene Simmons gave to an interviewer who asked what are the biggest mistakes artists make in their careers. He said, "Drugs. This time and every time."

No. 56: Alex Rodriguez in 2002. This is the only A-Rod season on ESPN's list, and I don't even think it's his best. I'll go with 1996, when he led the AL in batting (.358), runs (141) total bases (379) and doubles (54), all at 20 years of age. In 2002, he led in homers, RBIs and total bases, and won his first Gold Glove Award. Again, splitting hairs, but I like that .358 average and 36 HRs in 1996 over the .300 and 57 he had in 2002.

No. 68: Lawrence Taylor in 1986. Author David Schoenfield notes that L.T. is the only defensive player to make the list. That should tell you how sexier offensive stats can skew perception. Absolutely no question that L.T. in 1986 had one of the greatest football seasons of the last quarter century, but is he really the only defensive player who can make that claim?

No. 80: Joe Montana in 1989. A sick 112.4 rating in the regular season, and he added 11 TDs and no interceptions in the postseason. The guy was unreal in big spots. If Leonard Marshall didn't hit the snot out of him in the 1991 playoffs, the Giants may never have advanced to, and won, Super Bowl XXV.

Today's Sports Links:

• NFL's 10 Greatest Players Ever — An assembly of ESPN reporters and analysis rank the best ever from 1-10. Jim Brown tops the list, garnering a first- or second-place vote from everyone but Sal Paolantonio, who was the only one to vote Joe Montana at 1 and Dick Butkus at 2. Now Butkus was a great actor, maybe the best ever, but you don't pick him over Jim Brown or Water Payton. Payton got one No. 1 vote, while John Elway got two. Sammy Baugh made only two people's top-10 list and finished in a tie for 10th all-time, thanks to Joe Theismann's selection of him as the greatest NFL player. Nothin' like pimping