PaulKatcher.com

Yanks Pound Sox! Alyssa Milano on the Rebound!

The good news just kept on coming Tuesday night, as not only did the Bronx Bombers make like the best team in baseball — um, which they are — and pound the Red Sox into submission, but I learned that my dream girl, Alyssa Milano, has been freed from the clutches of pitcher Carl Pavano of the dastardly Florida Marlins, who took advantage of an emotionally depleted Yankees team last October and won the World Series thanks to a key Aaron Boone strikeout with the bases loaded and one out in a tied Game 4 and David Wells' Game 5 pitching "performance," in which his back held out about as long as a virgin in bed with Brooke Burke.

Some thought on both news developments:

Yankees 11, Red Sox 3

When Tony Clark Goes Black, it Doesn't Come Back: Congratulations to the Yankees' back-up first baseman and real Tony C. on crushing a ball into the black seats for only the 23rd time in the remodeled Yankee Stadium's history. Let's not forget the efforts of Derek Lowe, who threw it hard enough to travel some 450 feet to dead center. My favorite part, though, was seeing that Red Sox fan run out of the right-field bleachers to retrieve the ball — a ball that, again, our back-up first baseman just tanked off his favorite team — and lose it to a Yanks fan. Way to go, McSuckly.

Derek Lowe: 6-6 Tall, 6-7 Record: Remember how this was supposed to be Boston's year because it had three superb starters, enough to match or even better the Yankees in the postseason? Well Schilling and Pedro have been great — 18-7 combined, each with ERAs in the 3's. Then you have Lowe, at 6-7 and a Richter scale-like 5.47 ERA. Top three total: 24-14. The rest of the team is 20-19, not terrible, really, for pitchers outside your top three. The Yankees' top three — Mussina, Brown and Vasquez — are 25-10, with the rest of the staff going 23-16.

Loss Column: Five, Seven or Nine? When the Red Sox leave the Bronx after Thursday night's finale of the three-game series, they'll be either five, seven or nine games behind the Yankees in the loss column. Given a 50-50 chance for either team to win either remaining game, the Yankees have a 66.7% chance of being at least seven games up in the loss column after Thursday. Betcha didn't know I was good at math.

What, No Beanballs? It was nice to ream the Sox for once without Jeter getting hit on the hands or someone else being buzzed in the head. Thanks, Boston. Loved seeing Pedro yuk it up with the fans behind the Boston dugout when the game was out of reach. I don't remember Derek Jeter doing that in April, but he kinda cares about winning.

Sox Ain't Done: No less of an authority on winning than George M. Steinbrenner III said that this series cannot bury the Red Sox: "They're a great team, believe me; a great team." As flat as the 100% healthy Crap Sox looked on Tuesday, they'll still pose a formidable challenge down the road. Perhaps they, as well as the Cubs, need time to find their groove, just as it took the Yankees a few weeks after the start of the season. Would be better, of course, if they were still looking for their groove when the Yanks, White Sox, Angels and A's play in the postseason.

Fight Night: Ran into a nearly incoherent, drunk guy in an Upper West Side pizza shop, who'd just gotten back from the game and said, "There were a lot of fights." I'll say it again: if you can't go to a baseball game and not get into a fight, you're a loser.

---

Carl Pavano Kicks Alyssa Milano to the Curb: I'd heard the rumor. I'd hoped and prayed it was true. I even stood outside an NYC bar thinking, there's no way I'd have a girlfriend if I was a professional athlete. And then I read this news story that contained the following quote from Pavano:

"I came into it as a bachelor. I enjoy the life, doing my own thing," he said. "I don't think this is the most stable environment to have a relationship. Guys that do it, great, but I haven't really mastered that part of it. I have plenty of time. I'm still young. I have time to make those steps."

Now what hobbies might a bachelor have that would be stymied by the presence a girlfriend? Oh, that's right, having sex with a shitload of women. He might as well have said, "Ladies, I'm a man whore, and I'm in Atlanta through Thursday, then back home in Miami till July 11."

Today's Sports Links:

• Pro Wrestler/NFL Wannabe Brock Lesner Hates Gays — In an ESPN.com feature, the WWE wrestler is quoted as saying, "I don't like gays. Write that down in your little notebook. I don't like gays." The WWE markets to kids, right? Think they'll do anything? Is it wrong for me to hope he suffers a severe neck injury? 'Cause I really wouldn't care if he did.

• 2004 Win Shares Table — If you can figure all these stats out, it's supposed to be a ranking of players who have the most effect on their teams' success. Not sure if this was before A-Rod, who will win the gold glove at third base this year, stole his 17th base of the season Tuesday night.

• Paparazzi Stalks Diana Taurasi Just To Be Nice — A hilarious take on the popularity, or lack thereof, of the WNBA from The Brushback.com.

• 43-Year-Old Fernando Valenzuela to Pitch in Mexico — Someone get me a current picture of this dude, pronto. I have a large monitor, and I have a feeling I'm gonna need it.

Beat This Caption: Bear Ass

Today's Beat This Caption is a unique one, as the photo is one of many I took Monday at the Central Park Zoo. Some turned out quite well, so check 'em out. If you look closely at the full-sized pic of the "Bear Ass" shot, you can see a reflection of me with camera in hand and a bulge in my pants. The protruding object is, of course, a paperback book in my cargo shorts pocket.

Speaking of uncomfortable images... After being on my feet for about an hour, I stopped taking pictures at the petting zoo and grabbed a seat to rest. Then it dawned on me that I'm a 31-year-old male, sitting alone on a bench with camera in hand, surrounded by little children. I gotta get the hell out of here before someone calls the cops. And so ended my day at the zoo.

And now for the caption:

"Beth Ann and James Milford visit the polar bear exhibit at the Central Park Zoo as part of Head Start Zoo Day. Here they receive a lesson in Underwater Crapology."

(To beat this caption, post a comment below.)

Photos: Yankees 11, Mets 6

Whenever the Mets venture out of their Purple Dump to visit the Yankees in the most hallowed ground in American sports history, you can expect three things:

1. Lots of mostly friendly confrontation between the sophisticated Yankees fans and haggard Mets supporters. Unlike Red Sox fans, Mets faithful don't have a bug up their asses for, I don't know, like 86 years, so they're kinda fun to have around. At least they know a World Series title is possible in their lifetimes. Even if you're down two runs in the 10th inning of Game 6 of a World Series, like that game I saw at Shea when I was 13 years old.

2. A lot of questions, like "Who's he?" every time the Mets switch pitchers.

3. A Yankees victory.

We got all three Sunday night, and I posted 23 photos that tell the story.

Among the highlights:

• Us settling into our seats as Ruben Sierra hit a three-run homer to give the Yanks an insurmountable 6-0 lead in the first inning. Nothing offsets a Boston victory earlier in the day like scoring 19 runs against the Mets in a doubleheader sweep.

• Some obviously-lost Red Sox-clad clown walking up the wrong section and being heckled on his way down and back up to his rightful seats. For once, Yankees and Mets fans were united. "Hey, Magellan, you finally made it!" was the congratulations I offered.

• The chick behind, me high up in Section 33, where maybe one home run has landed in the history of the 81-year-old park, wearing her glove the entire game.

• A mother explaining to her confused son the presence of two Matsuis in the game. "We have the good Matsui. Their Matsui makes a lot of errors."

• The wasted, fat black dude who everyone kept calling "Ruben." I yelled to him, "Clay got hosed!"

Did you hear? Mets might start their own TV network.

Following in the footsteps of the ultra-successful Yankees Entertainment Sports Network (all Yankees, all the time, just about), the Mets might launch their own network. This oughta be good. Imagine the programming possibilities:

• Metsography: Anthony Young: How a 38th-round draft pick fought his way to the majors and went 3-28 combined in 1992-93.

• Keith Hernandez' Kids Korner: The former Gold Glove first baseman offers tips on fielding the position and finding the cheapest Indian reservations at which to buy cigarettes.

• Classic Moments: Mookie Wilson beats out a grounder, the 1993 Mets lose their 103rd game, Darryl Strawberry knocks out Keith Hernandez on photo day in 1989.

I'll be tuning in, for sure.

Other Sports Links:

• David Beckham's Penalty Shootout Game — A spoof on the world-famous athlete's high-pressure tournament kick that landed somewhere between Moscow and the moon.

• Peter King on Tony Dungy — In his last Monday Morning Quarterback column for a month, the Sports Illustrated football writer spotlights a proud papa and genuinely good guy.

• The Last Night of the Yankees' Dynasty — A forthcoming Harper-Collins book on the misery that was Game 7 of the 2001 World Series. Probably not gonna be the biggest seller among Yanks fans, and god knows why the cover photo is one of Mariano Rivera in a home uniform, when the game was played in Arizona. I think we should wait for the Joe Torre era to end before we start proclaiming the Yanks' dynasty over. By the end of this year, we could be looking at seven World Series appearances and five titles in nine seasons.

Back From Suspension With a Link Dump

As many of you know, PK.com was "suspended" Friday by my web host. It was as much of a surprise to me as it was to you. I think the culprit was some combination of not having an updated credit card number on file, bandwidth exceeding my 15GB (yep, gigabyte) monthly allotment, and a system that shut me down with no e-mail warning.

The good news is that I hadn't written anything new for you anyway. The better news is that so many of you cared that the site was down. All day I was flooded with IMs and e-mails from people wondering what happened. There was speculation at the ultra-useful Mandarin Design Blog. At a local party, friends pressed for answers. Have no fear, people, the site is back, and I haven't dropped it from my list of hobbies.

What do you say we start the weekend with a good 'ol-fashioned link dump?

News Links:

• Buffalo Wing Turns 40 — Happy anniversary to the low-carb delicacy that best combines taste and price, as opposed to the more expensive rib-eye steak or shrimp scampi. Goes perfect with a pitcher of Miller Lite for a low-carb meal that will have the pounds shedding like Ron Jeremy's back being run over by a lawn mower.

• Over the Rainbow Rated No. 1 Movie Tune — Didn't I already make my own list two years ago? Nothing can touch Gonna Fly Now from Rocky, and I've already suggested to an editor at ESPN.com that, in Bill Simmons-speak, it deserves its own column.

• Britney Distraught After Her Car Runs Over Photographer — Photographic evidence shows the pop diva's concern for the fallen ... till her Maltese terrier climbs in her arms. Playboy photoshoot countdown begins now.

• Judge Suspected of Masturbating in Court — Maybe if this was the Winona Ryder trial or something, but c'mon, dude.

• Girls Who Get it — Joe Concha's guide to being a perfect girlfriend. Though it's all relative — this is really the image of Joe's perfect gal — this kind of stuff always draws reactions either way.

• Taking Life's Final Steps — An intriguing Los Angeles Times piece on a phenomenon called "nearing death awareness" — a state in which researchers reveal what dying might be like and what a person needs to die peacefully.

• Reagan Makes Clinton Look Small — Charles Krauthammer argues that history will remember Slick Willie's small victories, won by a president that, he says, would never have been elected during the Cold War, because "history produced the President perfectly suited to the time — a time of domesticity, triviality and self-absorption."

• Britney Spears Engaged to Dancer — Didn't we just go through this in Vegas? Who does she think she is, J-Lo? And they worry about gays ruining the sacrament of marriage?

Sports Links:

• Larry Walker Hits Three Homers Friday Night Against Tribe — One could spend an entire day debating Walker's Hall of Fame credentials. On one hand, you have a five-tool player: A seven-time Gold Glove right fielder whose stats per 162 games are .314 BA, 31 HR, 109 RBI, 111 R, 20 SB, .400 OBP, .567 SLG. Way better than Rafael Palmeiro. On the other hand, you have the Coors Field advantage and a guy who only once played in more than 143 games in a season.

• SI.com's MLB Power Rankings — As of press time, the Yankees have six fewer losses than any other AL team, four fewer than any NL team. Three home games with the Red Sox next week could provide the answer to one of this year's great questions: Will the Yankees run away with the AL East for the seventh year in a row, or will they merely win it by a few games?

• Mushnick: Sterling a 'Career-Long Creep'; Francessa a 'Pompous and Disingenuous Jerk' — In a piece about Marv Albert's ousting from the MSG Network, the New York Post's media columnist goes to town on the voice of the Yankees and New York's most recognizable sports talk radio host.

• Bonds Calls Boston Racist — Baseball's least beloved figure — you can count the number of Bonds fans outside of San Fran on one hand — says about the possibility of the racial climate in Boston changing since the days his father was as active player: "It ain't changing. It ain't changing nowhere." (Link found on SportsByBrooks.com)

• Video Game Preview: NCAA Football 2005 — I believe this is the first game to include a homefield advantage in the gameplay. Those road games at Rutgers are tough, so watch out! Can't see buying this and Madden 2005, the release date of which (8/12) should be a national holiday for males 18-34. Good to see Ray Lewis is the cover boy for the best-selling sports video game, with him having been convicted of obstruction of justice in a murder case and all.

• Sportscard Daily — SI.com's attempt at mirroring the success of ESPN.com's Page 2, or at least the Daily Quickie.

• Sports Guy's World — ESPN.com Page 2 gives Bill Simmons his own index page. Say what you will about the guy — the recurrent Vegas jokes and the endless bad TV references do get tired — he is a rock star online. He's not the only one who wised up on how to write for the web — Peter King's and Paul Zimmerman's online writing styles get A's from me, as well — but he may be the best at it.

• 10 Greatest WWF Managers — The venerable Slick checks in at No. 10, and I couldn't be happier considering my recent audio find of his theme song, Jive Soul Bro. Hard to argue Heenan, Blassie and Albano in the top three spots and, really, if you argue about scripted sports entertainment, you're pretty much an idiot.

• MLB's Top Fastball's By Half-Decade — Bill James ranks the best fireballers since way before the Mets were striking out all over the place. Lets hear it for Old Hoss Radbourn, who owned the eighth-best fastball from 1880-84. They don't call James' readers nerds for nothin'.

Finally, Happy 30th Birthday, Derek Jeter: Born June 26, 1974 in Pequannock, N.J., Jeter's 1996 arrival in the Bronx marked the return of Yankee dominance. Six World Series appearances later, one can only chuckle at the boos he receives on the road. As captain and poster child of the big, bad Bombers, he's a homegrown talent who's been nothing short of a big gamer on the field and a humble role model off of it.

The Internet's Greatest Uses (Besides Porn Viewing)

As you must know, I'm an Internet junkie. Have been since 1996. Apart from the obvious frivolities — like those Mastercard Priceless photos that stopped being funny like two years ago — the Internet is a valuable tool that's made our lives more efficient and, hopefully, more intelligent,

I know some people view the online world as a big porn-viewing arcade, but I'm here debunk that myth with a list of some of the truly valuable uses of the Internet:

Maps: Gone are the days when directions are dictated from people who "know how to get there but don't know the street names." No longer must you rely on a friend who tells you to stay on a road for two miles when it's really eight. Think of how much time has been saved by people who hit the road to attend porn conventions in unfamiliar cities.

Tracking Packages: Say you see great deal on three-packs of Jenna Jameson videos. It used to be that you had to time the order so that it arrived on Saturday, so you weren't stuck at work upon delivery, leaving all 225 minutes of cinematic magic sitting idle in the mailbox or, worse, coming home to a note from the postmaster that no one was home to receive the package. Now you can track the order's trail from Delaware to the cesspool that is Jersey City and schedule a sick day just right.

eBay: I'd say "auction sites," but there really is only one. Now you can turn your used junk into cash: CDs, fake autographs, even those old Playboys you never opened because instead of that elusive Britney Spears layout, Hef gave you the Sexy Ladies of Latin TV. Thanks, old man.

Instant Messages: Who wants to waste valuable cell phone minutes to do some heavy breathing? Or pay long-distance charges to see when that chick's gonna be back in town to visit her old college roommate, only to spend the night at your place? And how else could you ever talk to three potential casual hook-ups, with none having any clue about it?

So there you have it, the Internet is not all about viewing porn. I don't know why people think that way.

Finally, Audio to Slick's Jive Soul Bro Entrance Music

It's true what they say about family. No one can pick you up like your own flesh and blood. Some people are content to hear things like "I love you" or "Way to ensure that the No. 1 search engine result for our last name is a site dedicated to T&A and drinking." Not me.

I never knew just how much unconditional support my brother lends me in life until he sent this instant message to me Tuesday morning:

PK.com Brother: I downloaded Jive Soul Bro off the Internet
PK.com: And now I can die in peace

Jive Soul Bro is, after all, the greatest entrance music in the history of professional wrestling, produced in the '80s, when the "superstars" lent their own voices to the tunes, and the storylines were at their stereotypical peak. As if you couldn't tell from the black guy in the pimp outfit eating fried chicken, for Christ's sake. Nothing like having the kids see that on Saturday mornings.

It's hard to put into words how hard I've searched for this audio over the years. I've tried Google. I've tried Kazaa. I've visited countless WWF-related personal websites that are run by virgins who make Howard Stern minions cool by comparison. I've tried every applicable keyword combination: "slick + theme," "jive + soul + bro" and "alyssa + milano + naked + hardcore." All this time, and nothin' ... till now.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the greatest audio clip since Lee Elia's f-bomb tirade against Cubs fans, in which he says about Chicago's daytime fans: "The mother fuckers don't even work. That's why they're out at the fucking game"...

DOWNLOAD AUDIO TO JIVE SOUL BRO NOW!

Uh, to be honest, it's not really the whole song, but it's good enough. Follow along with the lyrical wizardry below.

Well, I met this lady
And I told her quite a story
Said I'd love her forever more

But the trouble is
I tell the same ol' story
To every girl that walks through the door

It's the Slickster talkin' at ya, honey
Yeeaahh!

Well, first they love me
And then they don't
Sometimes they do it
And sometimes they won't

So I said to this girl
"Hey, you, get out"
And she got to a peed (?)
And began to shout

You're a jive soul bro
A jive soul bro
And you're always lyin' to you friends
You're a jive soul bro
A jive soul bro
And you'll never get nothin' in the end

Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, ladies?
This is the Slickster talkin' to ya
I don't do nothin' but tell the truth
Heh, heh, heh, heh

Well, they thought this dude might learn a lesson
But I didn't learn a thing at all
Late last night I was out there messin'
With a lady that was seven feet tall

Other Web Finds:

• Meet Educator Shit Fun Chew — If you don't laugh at this National Institute of Education bio page, I don't think we could ever hang out. I can imagine greeting her as "Ms. Chew" and her saying, "Please call me Shit Fun." (Found on GorillaMask.net)

• Random Thoughts on VH1's "100 Most Metal Moments" — Witty commentary from Metal Sludge on every moment, including No. 10 Return Of The Thunder God ... "About Rick Allen losing his arm. That really sucked for him because it meant he could only beat women with one arm then! Oh yeah, like I'm a dick for saying that. He gets arrested for domestic violence but I'm a dick for saying it. Please."

• Collection of Bruce Springsteen's Greatest Lyrics — I was thinking of doing this myself, and maybe I'll still give my top 10 at some point. Off the top of my head, how can you beat this? "Someday, girl, I don't know when. We're gonna get to that place where we really wanna go, and we'll walk in the sun. But till then, tramps like us, baby we were born to run!"

• I Am The Phantom Shitter — A Washington D.C. area-person makes a confession on Craig's List. Sounds like a good use of time to me.

• Viking's Exotic Resort — Got an extra $3,900 laying around? Spend four days and three nights in the Caribbean with an escort at your side. From the FAQ: "For most of our clients it's a whole new sexual experience, but remember this is much more then just a sexual service, you will be sleeping with your girl, waking up with your girl, having breakfast, enjoying activities etc." And ... "We have 7-8 international girls at our resort, daily changes of your companions are always possible within our program at no extra charge." Not safe for work, but quite interesting.

• My Secret Life as a Prostitute — Generally a more interesting read than chicks who just bitch about the coffee at their workplace.

• 22 Questions With Nikki Sixx — I'm currently reading that Motley Crue tell-all book that came out a couple of years ago. So I did a web search on Nikki Sixx, who grew up druggin' and thuggin'. And, wouldn't you know it, this lame interview reads like it was conducted with a guy who has half a brain left.

• World Star Gazette An e-zine that features some of the best blog entries of the day. A certain post about Ann Romano of One Day at a Time made it on Tuesday's front page.

The Most Annoying TV Personalities

Here are two constants regarding this site.

1. Readers love the pop culture lists. Besides me, there are only 5,000 other bloggers doing them, so that makes sense.

2. Everyone I know in real life says the picture to the left is a bad one of me. Which probably means there are no good pictures of me, considering I chose that one as the best.

With those points in mind, I'm doing a quick follow-up to yesterday's post on My Favorite TV Personalities. And I guess I'll have to post a new pic in B&W or something. I'm out of ideas there.

First, a little disclaimer. This site is mostly tongue-in cheek. I try to not be too negative. Nothing bores me like a blog full of bitching — seriously no one cares about your problems; we've all got our own — but we'll make an exception here. These TV personalities annoy the shit out of me.

10. Jared Fogle, Express Subway to Nerd Square: Not since the likes of Howard Cosell has one man been responsible for so many destroyed televisions. I know it's cruel, but I'd bet about 75% of Americans are secretly hoping that he someday puts back all the weight and tips the scales once again at a Haystacks Calhoun-like 425 pounds.

9. Donna Martin, 9021-Ho: First she saves her virginity — for what, I don't know; maybe the next Peach Pit condemnation from the Board of Health — then she gives it up to Vanilla Ice wannabe David. That must've been the best 90 seconds of her life. Then she sleeps with Noah on the second date. Now I don't know who the hell Noah is, but that's what I just read on Jump the Shark.

8. Family Feud Contestants, Let's Meet the Dork Family! Where to start? Maybe that "good answer" rally when the moronic cousin at the end serves up a guaranteed strike. Maybe the way they jump up and down in unison, like they're in a House of Pain video, for winning a $174 pot. Or maybe how the challenging team huddles and whispers in the corner like they're protecting plans for the Manhattan Project. Survey says: losers.

7. Nicole Ritchie, Simply Annoying: Not nearly hot enough to be hanging out with that other rich slut.

6. Tucker Carlson, Worst-Dressed Man on Television: I really have no problem with his delivery of conservative viewpoints on Crossfire. But that bow tie? On every show? He's just looking to annoy people with that. Congrats.

5. Mike Patrick, Human Airplane Hangar: Why does the play-by-play announcer for ESPN's Sunday Night Football have to scream in my face every time a running back breaks two tackles for an eight-yard gain? Dude, chill. It happens all the time.

4. Jimmy Kimmel's Cousin Sal, Dirtbag: For as much as I love Kimmel, his cousin is a dope who isn't funny unless he's playing a disgusting joke — usually from behind — on someone. Try jumping on me with your bare ass and see what it's like to sleep in a hospital for a week.

3. Oprah Audience Members, Sheep: On one hand, they say Oprah is one of the biggest influences on their lives. On the other, they say she's just a regular person. Now tell me, How can a regular person whom you've never met be one of the biggest influences on your life? Face it, these chicks are spellbound by sheer celebrity. How else could a rag like People sell a single issue?

2. Don West, QVC Sports Buffoon: Sports cards stopped being a solid investment 15 years ago — thanks to a saturated market and, later, the advent of eBay, which gave selling power to collectors. But you wouldn't know it from the late-night clowns who pimp already overpriced memorabilia to drunken and/or uninformed viewers, all but guaranteeing huge returns on nearly every lot. Of course, if such monetary gains were realized, they wouldn't be selling the stuff in the first place.

1. Ann Romano, Barbara's Mom Ain't Got it Goin' On: If the mom from One Day at a Time was better looking, I might be able to look past the fact that women's lib and comedy don't mix. Nothing's worse on a sitcom than canned laughter mixed with canned applause for righteous social stances. I've mentioned that only about 100 times over the years.

(Post your own selections in the Comments area below.)

My Favorite TV Personalities

You read the title, right? I don't have to write an intro, right? Good.

10. Phil Rizzuto, Yankees Announcer: Yeah, he spent too much time wishing happy birthdays and lauding New Jersey bakeries, but back in 1989 that was more interesting than what was going on with Mike Blowers, Wayne Tolleson and Don Slaught. The coolest thing about the Scooter, though, was that his catch phrase, "holy cow!" was genuine. Watch a replay of Ron Guidry's 18-strikeout game sometime on YES (it's on about every six hours). With around 215 holy cows, it's perhaps Rizzuto's finest "homer" performance. You know it was a great game, too, because the Scooter didn't bolt in the seventh inning to beat the traffic.

9. Tony Little, Not-Too-Masculine Exercise-Machine Pimp: It's technique! Such sage advice that's applicable to many aspects of life. Like how you rush into a restaurant to beat another approaching party to the hostess. How you dart out of a porno shop with that unmarked, brown paper bag under your arm, pretending like you just left the mobile-phone shop next door. How you party in October after your team wins a World Series (obviously not applicable to Boston readers).

8. Bobby Fletcher, Gaseous Crank Yanker: A real charmer, Jim Florentine's character gets my nod as the best in show, just ahead of Jimmy Kimmel's Elmer Higgins. Fletcher, after all, is my AOL IM buddy icon, double beer hat and all. All that's missing is audio of a couple of belches and a suggestion to "look in the book, you fat slob."

7. The Fonz, Freeloading Stud: Free music on the juke. Free food at Arnold's. Chicks by the pairs. This guy never paid for shit, never had women bothering him on the phone and struck fear in bikers who outsized him by half. You know that perv Mr. C. had a hidden camera up in that apartment, too.

6. Bob Uecker, Beer Hawker: Whoever complained when a commercial starring Uke came on? What has a .200 batting average and is red all over? Uecker in a Krylon spray paint spot. And he, along with other athletic icons, helped break down the stereotype that light beer is for pansies. Famous quotes: "Career highlights? I had two. I got an intentional walk from Sandy Koufax and I got out of a rundown against the Mets."

5. Mel Sharples, Culinary King: He ran my choice as top TV diner in the food capital of the world, Phoenix, Ariz. He was gruff and not all that vigilant against grease, but I saw him as a saint. He should be rewarded for not killing Henry, who spent like $1.20 a day on lukewarm coffee and a stale donut and complained like a whiny bitch at Spago.

4. George Jefferson, Czar of Stain Removal: As many know, I consider him TV's greatest head of household. He'd knock you out with an uppercut, remove lipstick stains from that affair with the chick in the adjacent office, and slam a door in your face if you're a weasely doorman.

3. Tawny Kitaen, Whitesnake Groupie: She rolled around on that Jaguar, back when MTV showed music videos. (Who's gonna come out with the song Reality TV Killed the Video Star?) More than enough to warrant placement on this list.

2. Cosmo Kramer: You know he's one cool cat when you're still friends with a guy after he fucks up your car with melted pizza under the hood, punches Mickey Mantle at fantasy camp, makes a salad in the shower, sleeps in your bed when Kenny Rogers' Roasters moves into town, insists that you eat Lloyd Braun's Chinese gum, drives a truckload of recyclables to Michigan, and gets fired from a company at which he was never hired.

1. Andrew "Squiggy" Squigman: And you thought I'd have only one leather-jacket-wearing Milwaukee guy with a weird name on this list? Nope. Taking the top spot is the backbone of Lenny and the Squigtones, whose music rates as perhaps the finest cultural contribution of the '70s, outside of Daisy Duke's shorts.

Shit, I forgot Schneider. Guess I'll have to do a list on chain-smoking janitors who let themselves into apartments with two teenage girls running around.

Selling Madonna Tix (2) - Sunday 6/20 - Face Value

Go see this slut before she dies!

Two tix come to $62 each (see below for breakout).

Section 420, Row C at Madison Square Garden (seating chart). Sunday, June 20 at 8 p.m.

Tickets are ticketFast, which means they come in a .pdf file, which you simply print out and have scanned at the arena. I have done these before and they work fine. I can transfer them to someone very easily via e-mail.

Tickets ADULT tickets US $49.50 x 2
Total Convenience Charge(s) US $20.30
Order Processing Charge US $3.05
ticketFast US $1.75

TOTAL CHARGES US $124.10

E-MAIL ME or send me an IM if you're interested.

Beat This Caption: Ronald McDonald

"Why the Grimace? Ronald thought Supersize Me was a movie about amazon strippers and arrived at the theater without his McPants. Mayor McCheese called the cops almost immediately."

(To beat this caption, post a comment below.)

The Greatest Unexpected Beatdowns in Recent Sports History

Jack Nicholson must think he's been a victim on Punk'd, huh? The self-proclaimed nudist and Grade A whack job has got to be looking around his house, hoping Ashton Kutcher would jump out of the bushes. Ain't gotten happen. Jack didn't get punked, but the Lakers got jacked.

I guess what Kobe meant was that he guaranteed there would be a Game 5. And ya' think there's any way I can get Bill Davidson to co-own my fantasy football team? What a run: an NBA, NHL and WNBA title in one year? Scott Baio never had a streak like that.

Anyone else feel sorry for Richard Hamilton in that, during this glorious run, he will forever be known as "the guy with the window on his face?" 'How 'bout the fact that the Pistons passed on drafting Carmelo Anthony, an immediate, legit NBA scorer, for a bench-jockey, and still hit the jackpot in June?

I used to root for the Lakers, if only for Shaq. He recognizes his role as an entertainer, but he goes all out on the court, gives good quote and respects the game and his opponents, despite the fact that his size — and skill, don't forget — can make a mockery of both. But I couldn't root for this team. I've long had enough of Gary Payton's jaw-jabberin', and Kobe Bryant just gives me the creeps. I don't know what happened in that Colorado hotel room. I wasn't there, but I know his wife wasn't, either.

So, I'm glad the NBA Finals turned out this way. The Pistons reminded me of the mid-'90s Knicks, only they got the job done. And it goes down as one of the biggest unexpected beatdowns in recent sports history. Not simply a new chapter in the the greatest upsets in sports history, but a demolition, with the underdog leaving no chance at pundits labeling the events a fluke.

Let's look back at some of the biggest unexpected beatdowns in recent sports history:

• Angels Over Yanks (3-1) in 2002 ALDS: With New York's string of three straight World Series victories snapped a year earlier in Arizona, it was time to reclaim what was ours. Newcomers Jason Giambi and Robin Ventura were All-Stars, as were four others en route to a 103-58 season. The Angels had won just four fewer games in 2002, but this was the Yankees, a team whose bankability in recent postseasons could be matched only by a team coached by Phil Jackson. For a game and a half, it was just like old times. Down 5-4 in the bottom of the eighth in Game 1, the Bombers scored four to put the game away. Down 4-0 in the bottom of the third in Game 2, the Yanks roared back with five straight runs, taking a one-run lead into the top of the eighth, where the Angels scored three and seemingly "stole" a game in the Bronx. But Anaheim's 29 total hits in the first two games were a sign of things to come. The Angels battered Yankee pitching out west, winning Games 3 and 4 by scores of 9-6 and 9-5. In four games, the Angels scored 31 runs and collected 56 hits, setting a playoff record with a .376 team batting average in a playoff series.

• Reds Over A's (4-0) in 1990 World Series: Last year, I wrote a World Series anniversary piece for TIME.com that ranked the best losing teams in the history of the Fall Classic. The 1990's A's came in second, boasting the AL's MVP (Rickey Henderson), Cy Young Award winner (Bob Welch) and a host of All-Stars in Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire and Dennis Eckersley. Throw in 22-game-winner Dave Stewart and you have a 103-59 team that should not have scored just eight runs and allowed the Reds to hit .317 in a four-game sweep.

• Buccaneers Over Raiders (48-21) in Super Bowl XXXVII: Tampa Bay was only a 3 1/2-point underdog, but they played like one of the mid-'80s-'90s NFC powers (49ers, Redskins, Cowboys) that turned sports' greatest spectacle into an annual joke. After allowing the Raiders a field goal on its opening drive, the Bucs clamped down on Oakland's next eight possessions, forcing five three-and-outs and two interceptions. It was never a game, and the final score for touchdowns: Bucs' defense: 3; Raiders' offense: 2.

• Alabama Over Miami (34-13) in 1993 Sugar Bowl: Even though the defending-national-champion Hurricanes barely squeaked by Syracuse, 16-10, in the Carrier Dome just a month earlier, with me, a really drunk 20-year-old junior, in the stands (ranked second on my list of painful losses), they came into the Sugar Bowl heavily favored, ranked No. 1 at 12-0 and riding a 29-game winning streak behind Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback Gino Torretta. No. 2 'Bama, though, did the whuppin', led by its own fearsome defense that put its stamp on the game, the season and college football history with a 31-yard interception return by George Teague that made the score 27-6 just five minutes into the second half.

• The World Over 2002 Team USA Basketball: Let ESPN's pre-World Championships analysis set the table: "United States: The prohibitive favorite to win the tournament and an automatic berth in the 2004 Olympics. Coached by George Karl of the Milwaukee Bucks, the U.S. brings in a record of 53-0 when using teams comprised of NBA players." After reeling off six straight wins, the "Creamed Team" lost to Argentina, Yugoslavia and Spain to fall to what is still a head-scratching sixth-place finish. It wasn't exactly Bird-Magic-Jordan-Malone-Ewing, but more was expected of a team that featured Baron Davis, Jermaine O'Neal, Paul Pierce, Michael Finley and Ben Wallace. Then again, Raef LaFrentz and Jay Williams somehow made the squad.

So that's five right there. Feel free to add comments if you can think of more heavily-favored teams that not only lost, but got their asses handed to them.

Other Sports Links:

• Four Yankees Lead AL All-Star Voting — That would be 50% of the position starters, even though Jason Giambi and Derek Jeter have not played up to snuff. I'm a big believer in voting for who you want to see, regardless of their stats. This is a game entirely for the fans, and I don't understand the backlash when they vote for players who they really want to see play together. I don't care if Bonds, Sosa and Griffey go for 0-for-500 between now and the All-Star Game. I want them in the same starting outfield. AL voting update | NL voting update

• Derek Jeter Girlfriend Watch — Keeping tabs on the future Hall of Famer's off-field workout.

• Steinbrenner Gloats Over Attendance Figures — "2004 will be recorded as the Year of the extraordinary Yankee fan!" gushed King George, who released a statement through his personal PR man bragging about the Yankees being baseball's biggest draw this season. We got your back, General Steinbrenner, lord of all things right about the game. You keep writing the checks and we'll supplement your bank account with the kickbacks.

• Phil Taylor: What's Wrong With Rooting for More White Guys in the NBA? — A super-smart analysis on the Larry Bird controversy, the SI.com scribe notes that maybe an influx of more white players will have the same positive effect that Arthur Ashe had on tennis and Yao Ming and Hideki Matsui have on their respective sports.

• Caddie Leaves Pappas Holding the Bag — Ever hear of a PGA Tour golfer and his caddie parting ways on the 16th hole? Me neither, till now.

• Fan Who Berated Malone Paid $25,000 for His Seat — The only interesting thing to come out of the confrontation Karl Malone had with a fan in Detroit was that he paid a king's ransom for his ticket. Do you realize that's the equivalent of more than 3,500 lap dances in Montreal? Figuring each song is three minutes long, that's 175 hours, or more than seven straight days, of stripper heaven. Oh, but three hours at an NBA game sounds fun, too.

It's Official: Neither Olsen Twin Is Right for Me

Now that the Olsen Twins — and, more importantly, their money — are legal, I decided to take the Mary-Kate or Ashley? online quiz, to see which of the just-turned 18-year-olds I should begin stalking. The results were less than flattering:

You're suitable for neither Olsen twin.

You're either a sleazeball, or you're just really boring. Sorry, the test doesn't lie. Well, better luck next time. Maybe you'd be better off trying to figure out which Hilton sister is the right match for you. We're working on www.ParisorNikki.com right now.

In the meantime you can get your Paris Hilton fix watching "The Simple Life."

Well, excuuuuuuuse me! I can handle the "sleazeball" tag. I know it's not true; it's not like I watched Mary-Kate and Ashley in Action! (2001). But too boring for the Olsen twins? That's like being too dumb to have a conversation with Manny Ramirez, too conservative for Ann Coulter and too perverted for Annabel Chong. I really can't see the Olsen twins hanging out with a dude and thinking, "This guy's a dud. Let's get out of here and play with our make-up."

On the good side, it appears I'm more of a perfect match for a Hilton sister. Not that Pairs doesn't make me retch every time I see her, but Nikki has promise. I wonder if she likes White Castles cheese fries or simply the plain ones.

Other Web Finds:

• How Grammatically Sounds Are You? — Test your knowledge of the English language. My result was "master," so if you combine with the quiz above, I'm a masterful, boring sleazeball. (Link found on Living Reflections)

• eBay Find: Cooking in the Nude — Semen as an Ingredient — Bidding has ended (at $30!) for a book that contains real recipes that call for a tablespoon of semen. Sure beats some chick knocking on your door for a cup of sugar.

• Penis Owners Instruction Manual — I'm not sure how accurate this info is. The average length of an erect penis is 5.1 inches? The average volume of ejaculate is 0.5 to 1 teaspoon? The farthest medically recorded ejaculation is 11.7 inches? All seem pretty low. Maybe you chicks out there can comment anonymously, since you'd know more than me.

• Maxim Gallery: Paintball Girls — A pictorial of hot chicks who are the "brightest — and hottest — young stars of the burgeoning professional paintball circuit." Here's a Paintball.com article on one of the broads. I've had only one paintball experience, a company outing, and it was pretty fun, except for taking a shot from close range that hit only a few inches from my manhood. Apart from getting to shoot up annoying co-workers and bosses, though, I don't have much of a desire to return. Maybe a Yanks vs. Sox fans outing would be fun. I'd go Rambo on those Massholes. The facemasks would at least muzzle their incessant whining.

• Game: Playboy Breakout — A twist on the classic video game, in which a picture of naked woman is revealed. And if you think it takes three minutes to view a picture of a naked woman online, you're obviously an idiot.

And Old Bush, an Older Dick and More News Items

Rasputin was known as the Mad Monk, but that's before his penis went on display at the first Russian museum of erotica in St. Petersburg. Now he shall forever be known as Foot Long Johnson. My god, look at the size of that appendage. But what interests me most about the picture to the right is the stunning blonde with the full lips, perfect hair and flawless skin. Thank you, President Reagan, for opening doors with Russia, for I shall be on a plane within the next two days to track down this hottie.

Other News Links:

• Ex-President Bush Makes Birthday Skydive — Air Bush takes flight in celebration of No. 41's 80th birthday. How'd ya like to be the Secret Service agent on that detail?

• Rodney Dangerfield Still Smoking Dope at 82 — My man definitely gets respect from his dealer. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• O.J. Plans Reality TV Show Called 'Juiced' — Think "Punk'd" but with Aston Kutsher replaced by a double-murderer. You thought Justin Timberlake was reduced to a pussy before. Wait till O.J. jumps out of the bushes and yells, "You've been Juiced!"

• O.J., 10 Years Later — Bill Simmons writes perhaps his most serious piece for ESPN.com, but he still manages to reference MTV's Real Word for the 1,000th straight column. His take on why O.J. is straight-up guilty is basically what I've been saying for a decade: "... they played the race card, arguing the LAPD was calculating enough to arrive at a crime scene and, within about 10 minutes of digesting what had happened, hatch a convoluted plan to frame Simpson because he was African-American ... even though they didn't have any idea if he had an alibi or was even in the country at the time."

• Ex-'Family Ties' Actor Accused of Drunk Driving — Little Andy got his hands on a little brandy, then went for a spin. (Link found on A Lifetime of Confusion)

• No Sex Please — We're Japanese — "Marriages, births and hanky-panky are all spiraling downward with troubling implications for the nation's future." No wonder Mike Mussina was so pissed about having to pitch Opening Day in Japan.

• Gene Simmons: 'I Don't Like Handlers' — A Reuters interview with KISS' supreme marketer on the eve of his new solo release "Asshole." The always insightful Simmons says he wishes he'd stood up to Ace Frehley and Peter Criss "sooner when they were destroying themselves," that drugs "this time and every time" is the biggest mistake artists make, and that there's not enough KISS merchandise, because a lot of it sells out.

• Reagan's Shameful Legacy — Controversial columnist Ted Rall goes to town on the recently deceased ex-prez, saying "Reagan's quack economists trashed scholarships and turned welfare recipients into homeless people and refused to do anything about the AIDS epidemic, all so they could fund extravagant tax cuts for a tiny sliver of the ultra rich."

• Killer, Coward, Conman — Good Riddance, Ronnie Reagan — Greg Palast's column makes Rall's commentary read like a glowing eulogy. He calls Nancy Reagan "a skull and crossbones prancing around in designer dresses" and described Reagan's economic policy as "the New Meanness, bringing starvation back to America so that every millionaire could get another million."

• Mary-Kate & Ashley: Jailbait No More — Considering the 13-year age difference, it still won't be socially acceptable for me to get a boner for these girls for another five years or so. But congrats to you younger guys out there.

• Soviet Wrestlers Mourn Ronald Reagan — Slate catches up with Nikita Koloff , whose anti-American act fired up WWF fans in the '80s. Nikita Khrushchev also fondly remembers The Great Communicator.

Larry Bird Was Right, Mostly and Sadly

Earlier this week, NBA legend Larry Bird made headlines by proclaiming, in an ESPN roundtable discussion with Magic Johnson, LeBron James and Carmelo Anthony, that:

1. African-Americans are the best athletes in the world.

2. Basketball is a black man's game.

3. More white, high-profile NBA stars would be "good for a fan base because as we all know, the majority of the fans are white America."

4. The NBA lacks "enough" white superstars.

Points Nos. 1 and 2 are almost indisputable. The fastest, strongest and most agile athletes in not only basketball but football and baseball are black. The percentage of blacks in pro sports who excel at point guard, running back, wide receiver, center fielder and cornerback not only supersede the percentage of whites in the American population, but surpass the percentage of whites who play those positions for high school and college teams. It's clear to me that whites, for the most part, have a ceiling at those positions. Last year I asked, "Why Are All the Best Running Backs and Wide Receivers Black?"

Points Nos. 3 and 4 are a matter of taste. Would more white superstars be "good" for the NBA? Depends on your definition of good. Would the league benefit financially? Probably. Would that money be good for the NBA or American society? Probably not.

As a whole, Americans value a free market and deserved rewards for exceptional talents. Black, white, yellow or brown, most of us celebrate fair compensation for performance, regardless of race. Today I'm no less a fan of the Yankees (with Alex Rodriguez, Gary Sheffield and Hideki Matsui) than I was when the team featured Scott Brosius, Paul O'Neill and Shane Spencer at the same positions. Don Mattingly, a humble star, used to be my favorite player. Now I sport a jersey bearing the name of Bernie Williams, another humble star. They're of different skin tones, of course.

But even if, as I believe, 90% of Americans don't care about skin color (appreciative of winners of any race), there are still 10% whose allegiances do make a difference, whether they know it or not. And that's why Larry Bird was right about it being a financial boon if the NBA fell into a few more American white superstars. But it wouldn't be a boon for society. It would be sad.

Links Related to Larry Bird's Comments:

• King Kaufman's Sports Daily — Salon's daily sportswriter is no dummy, and he hits all the points, saying that LB was right, but the fact that James and Anthony disagreed spoke for progress in society.

• Exciting, Compelling Athletes Popular With All Fans — I disagree with Kevin Sherrington of the Dallas Morning News only because I don't feel that all fans are color blind. The smart ones are, though. And those should be the only ones who matter.

• Larry Legend Has Lost Touch — ESPN.com's Page 2's Patrick Hruby writes: "Larry Bird couldn't be more wrong." I think most of us wish he was wrong, but know he's not.

• Oh, So That's What He Said — Newsday's Shaun Powell substitutes "right" for "white," saying, "I can't tell you how many times I've walked through the stands at the Garden, for example, only to have disgruntled Knicks fans approach and ask the same question, over and over: 'Where's all the right guys?'" Bravo. As a Knicks fan, I can tell you we want a winner, no matter the color. But would a couple of American-born, white superstars benefit the Knicks financially? You bet your ass. Sad but true, and that's the theme here.

Rodney Dangerfield's Best One-Liners

I was watching On the Record With Bob Costas Wednesday night (channel 400 (!) on my newly installed RCN digital cable), and who should make a surprise guest appearance than the great Rodney Dangerfield, star of Back to School, my third-favorite movie of all time.

Even at 82, Dangerfield was cracking me up with his one-liners:

"I went to a hooker, and she told me, 'Not on the first date.'"

"My wife does a lot of charity work. She handles all the policemen's balls."

"I went to a nude beach, and they told me it wasn't polite to point."

"At the nude beach I saw a 100-pound man with 50-pound testicles. He told me he was sick. I told him, 'You're not sick. You're half-nuts.'"

I did a Google search for Rodney Dangerfield jokes, and here's the best I found out there:

"I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!"

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning."

"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"

"They say, 'Love thy neighbor as thy self.' What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?"

"I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me."

"A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home."

"I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No. I hate myself now.'"

"I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, 'What'll you have?' I said, 'surprise me.' He showed me a naked picture of my wife."

"I went to see my doctor — you know him, Dr. Vinny Boom Batz. I told him, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?' He said, 'I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.""

"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, 'If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion.' He said, "All right, you're ugly too.""

"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met."

"During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel."

Funny, funny shit. Now don't forget to download the '80s classic Rappin' Rodney at Dangerfield's official website.

The Best Teams of the Last 25 Years

ESPN.com has been kind enough to publish its schedule of upcoming "best of" lists celebrating a quarter-century of the network's existence. I'll try to chime in as much as I can in advance to spark some debate. Today we start with the Best Teams of the Last 25 years, which ESPN.com will reveal on June 15.

1. 1995 Nebraska Cornhuskers: To be considered for this list, a team must challenge the title of best ever in its sport, and the 12-0 1995 'Huskers may have been the most dominating force in college football history. They beat every opponent, including three top 10 teams, by at least 14 points. In the championship game against No. 2 and previously undefeated Florida, Nebraska won 62-24 in a game that included Tommie Frazier's incredible run that inspired announcer Jim Nantz to question, "How many tackles can one man break?" The tail end of Tom Osborne's back-to-back national champs averaged 52.4 points per game and never posted less than 35 in any contest.

2. 1985 Chicago Bears: The Shufflin' Crew didn't equal the 1972 Dolphins as the only undefeated team in NFL history, but the 15-1 Bears could have probably played 15 more games and not lost again. Before a Week 13 loss at the Miami Dolphins, the Bears thumped the Lions, Cowboys and Falcons by a combined score of 104-3. In the postseason, Chicago disposed the Giants, Rams and Patriots by a combined score of 91-10. This team simply beat the shit out of its opponents.

3. 1996 Chicago Bulls: Score another one for the Windy City, compliments of Michael Jordan, who, in his first full season after returning from his initial retirement, was the regular season scoring champ (30.4), MVP of the regular season, MVP of the All-Star Game and MVP of the Finals, which the Bulls won 4-2 over Seattle after taking a commanding 3-0 series lead. The record-setting 72-10 Bulls disposed of its other playoff challengers — the Heat, Knicks and Magic — in only 12 games, winning 11. Jordan was joined on the NBA's All-Defensive First Team by Scottie Pippen and Dennis Rodman, while Toni Kukoc was named Sixth Man of the Year, Phil Jackson earned Coach of the Year honors and Jerry Kruase was named Executive of the Year.

4. 1986 Boston Celtics: Including the postseason, this team played 51 games at home in the Boston Garden and lost exactly one. When you feature four Hall of Fame frontliners — Larry Bird, Kevin McHale, Robert Parrish, Bill Walton — success is essentially assured. But to send season-ticket holders home unhappy only one night out of an entire championship season? That's ridiculous.

5. 1998 New York Yankees: Last year, I ranked the top 10 World Series winners of all-time for TIME.com, and I had this Yanks squad at No. 6, just ahead of the 1986 Mets (7) and 1984 Tigers (9), placing them ahead of any baseball team in the last 25 years. Including the postseason, the Bronx Bombers won 125 games, 23 more than the Marlins did a season ago. This team, the first of a three-peat, just won and won and won.

This debate can go on and on and on. For the most part, this list is off the top of my head, and I don't want to sit here all day researching, so maybe you can chime in with some comments. Certainly, a hockey team deserves consideration. The early '80s Islanders, mid-'80s Oilers and 2002 Red Wings were absolutely loaded with Hall of Famers. Can't forget the 1990 UNLV Running Rebels or the team that unseated them, the back-to-back champion Duke Blue Devils, led by Christian Laettner, Bobby Hurley and Grant Hill, who, no matter how they panned out in the pros, were supremely talented college players. Joe Montana's 49ers, anyone? I think the '85 Bears could have had their way with them, but not many teams of the last quarter-century can say that. You might even want to toss out some sentimental favorites, like the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team.

Incredible Sports Links of the Day:

• St. John's Athletic Director Search on Monster.com — "Qualified candidates should electronically submit their resumes and salary history by July 1st to James Pellow at Adsearch@stjohns.edu." Oh, and be willing to get your ass kicked by Syracuse in Big East hoops next year.

• Screenshot: Those Big Breasts Behind Phil Jackson's Head — Leave it to SportsByBrooks.com to reveal the distraction behind the Lakers' woeful Game 1 performance.

Wingwomen.com: For Guys With No Sack

I almost drove off the side of the road last week, when my friend read me an article in the New York Post describing a New York dating-facilitating service called Wingwomen.com. For $50 an hour, they'll set you up with an attractive girl to hang out with for the night — not a date, but a "social lubricant" — thereby making you seem to have an engaging personality, even though you need to hire women to make the first move for you.

Does it work? Depends on your definition of work. Do you want to have this conversation with your son in 15 years?

"Joey, when your mom and I met, it was love at first sight. Actually, my Wingwoman saw her first. Oh, she was just a girl I paid $50 an hour to scope out the finest New York ladies that I would never have the balls to talk to on my own. Man, what a night it was. I had just put in a 12-hour shift at Merrill Lynch, 'cause the world may have come to an end if I stopped at 11, and I was on the tail end of my 'work hard-party hard' lie life. At least till midnight, 'cause I had to get up a 6:30 a.m. My boss wanted to get the team to huddle up before our big 8 a.m. meeting. You know, get the ducks in a row and be on the same page; basically dot the i's and cross the t's. Anyway, my wingwoman complimented your mom on her looks, because it's not like I could tell we had anything in common from across the room, except maybe that we both enjoyed cocktails. Beer is so gauche. Anyway, our first four dates went like this: coffee, dinner, dinner, movie. Wild stuff, I tell you. And the rest is history. Now polish up your loafers."

Generally, I kid. But if you're a phony, you're a phony, and you've got bigger problems than being shy. Does using a hired Wingwoman constitute you as a phony? Not if you're upfront once you meet your otherwise unapproachable love interest. But as the author of the Post article, a one-night wingwoman, writes: "While most Wingwomen simply say the client is a 'friend of a friend,' I decide to go a step further and tell them he's a family friend who I've known for years and love like a brother. And that nothing would make me happier than finding him a nice girl."

Great, just what the world needs. Another bunch of liars. And this is doing a service for whom?

Other Web Finds:

• Famous People Looking Horrible — I never thought I'd say this, but I think Avril looks better in a tie and a shitload of mascara.

• PK.com Second-Biggest Referrer to Calgary Flashers — At press time, my readers are responsible for the second-most hits to AmericanEvil.com, a site that hosts pictures of female Calgary Flames fans partying without bras. Where to next? Perhaps to BoltsGirls.com. Congrats to the Lightning for winning what really was an enjoyable NHL Finals. Especially the part about the naked chicks in Calgary. Let me tell you, all of Canada is very disappointed. I saw Game 5 in Montreal, and the whole city was hoping to bring the Cup back to Canada, as if none of Tampa Bay's players are Canadian.

• Photo: Someone Forgot to Move the Anal Lube — A pretty funny picture of a couple posing in their bedroom, right next to a big can of Anal Lube. Probably Photoshopped in, but worth a look.

• Bad Neighbour — Photos of perhaps the most disgusting apartment ever.

• eBay Find: Ginger Lynn's Pearl Necklace From Charlie Sheen — The jokes are almost too easy, but how 'bout it fetching nearly $900 and not even reaching the reserve price? Compare those pics, too, the one leading off Ginger Lynn's official website.

• New Celebrity Rumors — A pretty funny list posted in the Onion Example of something to spread, if for no real reason: "When not training, boxing champ Roy Jones Jr. plays keyboards with Invisible Touch, a Genesis cover band."

• The Hot MILFs of Network TV — The latest hilarity from Uncle Melon. Love this guy's ideas.

• Top 10 Celebrity Nip-Slips — I swear I never heard of this Lindsay Lohan chick till those oops pics got posted on like every site but mine.

• The Rules of Engagement — Joe Concha on why intra-summer-house hook-ups are not wise early in the season. He writes: "Never in the history of Jersey Shore beach houses has a Memorial Day intra-house romance ever survived to see October."

• 10 Things Every Guy Should Experience — Apparently desperate for any kind of content, ESPN.com paid Jon Warech to include "The Brawl" as a must-do for every man. He writes: "There is nothing that turns a boy into a man more than getting punched in the face. It really is a turning point in adolescence." What a fool. Show me a guy who lauds brawling and I'll show you a drunken idiot.

Review: Montreal Beer Festival and the Canadian Ballet

Today we shall chat about beer and strippers, two of men's greatest inventions. Beer dates as far back as 13,000 B.C., exactly three hours before the invention of beer goggles. Before that, ugly people just never had sex. I don't know when strippers began their trade, but they didn't get real good at it till the g-string hit the market.

Beer and strippers are in abundance in Montreal, where I visited last week (see my photo album), making it nine countries that I've been piss-drunk in during the last two months. (In a tenth, Belgium, I just pissed, at a rest stop between France and Holland.) You can also throw in five U.S. States. (A sixth, Connecticut, I just visited to shop.) I'm exhausted, my tank is on empty, and I think this might be the last trip report for awhile. So enjoy...

MONTREAL BEER FESTIVAL (Mondial de la Bière)
Nothing says hangover like mixing beers, so buying coupons for 4 oz. tastings of more than 300 beers was a little like ordering a headache. I bought 33 on Day 1, Wednesday. ("I'll have a severe migraine, please.") Each coupon cost $1 Canadian, which equates to about 75 cents American. For you non-math majors out there, that's $2.25 American for 12 ounces, assuming you stick with the one-coupon beer tastings. Most were 2 coupons, or $4.50 American for 12 ounces. You follow?

A particular bargain was a one-coupon tasting of a beer consisting of 10% alcohol, about twice that of American standards. If I'd had more than one, I'd probably have fallen asleep at our table earlier than 7 p.m., four hours after arrival. This never happens to me. Clearly a sign from god to lighten up on the gas for awhile.

This being a midweek day and the first of the event, which was to run till Sunday, the indoor/outdoor festival wasn't too crowded, except for maybe the adjacent kids' sandbox (pictured; gotta love it). So there was no wait at the more than 100 tasting booths, or the smoked meat booth or the deer jerky booth or the booth with the little hotties dressed as Swiss Misses. No wait, there was a crowd at that booth.

The next day I could hardly pass any beer through my system. I bought 13 coupons and ended up giving several to a couple of chicks I saw on the way out. I wasn't alone in my need to recharge. To quote my travel buddy: "I think the cure for my hangover is naked women." On to the strip clubs.

THE CANADIAN BALLET (Strippers de la Montréal)
To be honest, I'm not much of a strip-club guy. My experiences are limited to:

• Refereeing a strip-boxing match when I was 17 for $55, for which I was allowed to physically separate the topless fighters when the action stalled. For this, they rewarded me by throwing me into the ropes and punching me in the balls. I couldn't see my friends through the bright lights illuminating the ring, but I still hear their thunderous cackles in my head. City Lights in Yonkers, I will always love you!

• That night we made last call at Scores before construction had completely finished in the early 1990s. At first, I couldn't find my friend in the men's room, though I did pinpoint his whereabouts when I heard him retching in the toilet. Today you'd probably get shot for that. Or maybe they'd stick you with a $129,626 bill, as Scores did recently to a Bangladeshi national.

• One 1994 night in Syracuse when Nikki Knockers helped us celebrate a housemate's birthday. She squirted me with a water pistol and grabbed a dollar bill from my mouth by squeezing her bowling balls together. I escaped shortly before suffocation.

• Killing time between work and Knicks games in the mid 1990s at Billy Topless (formerly at Sixth Ave. and 24 Street). Now a pizza and bagels eatery, Billy's used to be a cover-free club with $4 beers and a penchant for hiring pregnant women with open sores. Needless to say I get my pizza and bagels elsewhere.

• A bachelor party at VIP Club (20 West 20th St.), my first real experience at an upscale place — "Cigars, sushi, cognac and more testify to the class of this topless bar," reads one online review — but check these numbers. One cover charge, two beers, two dances: $85. And for that I was pestered seemingly every minute for a dance. At $20 a pop, you can't say yes to everyone and not feel like a dope when you open your wallet the next day. I never felt comfortable, only hassled. But those women were fine.

And now the Montreal experience...

Tourists rave about the Montreal strip clubs for two reasons: the price per dance ($10 Canadian; roughly $7 American) and the, um, intimate nature of how they're executed. Most places have "full contact" rules, which is a little like the WWF, but without the back hair. Your newest girlfriend will escort you to a curtained-off booth and explain the rules: no touching her g-string, no kissing. The rest is up to you and your hands. In one club I went to, it was called "private touch." In America, we call it "molestation." I have a new term: "car wash." Which makes even more sense if her name is Mercedes.

In three nights we went to five clubs, of varying quality. The first club, on St. Catherine street, was a dump. For a $2 cover, a ubiquitous tuxedo-clad doorman seated us at the bar, which had a great view of an ugly, old barmaid, a few depressed dancers seated alone and some pretty decent hardcore porn on a TV. Classy joint. I thought about asking one girl for a dance, but I was afraid she was gonna kill herself in the booth. The next place wasn't much better. Butter is on my Atkins diet, but Butterface is not, so I saved my coin for Wednesday night.

The second night, we went to Chez Paree, one of the more upscale places, traditionally ranked second in the city to Club Super Sexe, and the girls were of much higher quality. For $10, the girls will dance naked in front of you or, for $5, take you to a VIP area, which was furnished with more private couches. One of the guys in the main room ordered a dance and just stared at some chick's crotch the whole time. It was hilarious. I almost tossed him a $5 to help him save at least a shred of dignity. I got a couple of dances from one hardbody, but I could hardly keep myself from giggling. She squeezed her breasts and threw them in my face, forcing me to look crosseyed at them. I just wanted to laugh at how stupid I must've looked.

Next we went to Downtown, which was a full-contact place with a $5 cover. This was where my friend hit the ATM not once, but twice. Obviously, full contact is the way to go. At one point, he was gone for nearly a half-hour. Turns out he bought seven straight dances from one girl, and got six more from her before the night was over. I asked them to be invited to their wedding. Even though the girls were pretty hot, none were pushy. Neither were the doormen or barmaids. So it was a more relaxing setting that what I am used to in the States. The guy had to make the first move, except for a couple of occasions when a girl sat next to me to chat when my friend was gone.

Thursday night we hit Club Kamasutra, which was comparable to Downtown in all aspects. Except the dances were $15, so I would rate Downtown as a better value. Except for the live sex. Some dude was going down on a stripper — and using a finger technique — in one of the not-so-private bungalows behind us. He was with a friend and another stripper for about an hour. I think that cost $800 between them, without drinks. Maybe it was worth it for them. Can't really see how.

Overall, the Canadian Ballet gets a thumbs up. My New York VIP experience ($85 American) would have cost $41 Canadian ($30 American) at Downtown, where they talk to you like a human being and not a wallet. Which is why I almost never go to strip clubs in NYC.

Other Notes:

• Your AL Champion New York Yankees: Did you know the Bombers are 11-1 this year when I am out of the country? Anyone got a place in Amsterdam for me to stay at in October?

• The Worst Sports Radio: Perhaps it gets worse than 990 AM in Montreal, but when you're only active team is the Expos, there's a lot of dead air. I really think I could start working for them tomorrow. Compare that to this hilarious take from Jim Rome on Smarty Jones' trainer comparing the horse to Muhammad Ali: "These people in the horse racing business are too much, they've actually convinced themselves that their horses are people? If these horses had as much pride, competitive spirit, self-awareness, and dignity, they wouldn't let midgets strap themselves to their backs, beat me with a stick and ride them around in circles all day long with a bunch of other midgets with sticks (Gary Stevens exempted, he�s an ass kicker) it's a freaking horse. A fast one, but a horse."

June 6, 1944: An Earlier Giant Leap for Mankind

• D-Day's Real Lessons — Newsweek's Jon Meacham on what Bush could learn from Churchill and FDR about his own fight.

• Photos: D-Day 60 Years Later — TIME audio and visual remembrance, including conversations with WWII veterans.

• Deception: The other 'D' in D-Day — How Operation Bodyguard, five fake offenses designed to distract and divert German forces away from Normandy, helped save the world from Hitler.

• On Omaha Beach Today, Where's the Comradeship? — The New York Times on strained French-American relations.

• D-Day OD — Slate's David Greenberg on why World War II nostalgia has gone too far. He writes: "D-Day enthusiasm, like all rituals of memory, says more about the present than it does about the past."

• Cronkite: Eisenhower's Return to Normandy — NPR audio of Walter Cronkite's conversations with Dwight Eisenhower on the 20th anniversary of D-Day. Great stuff I happened to catch on the radio.