PaulKatcher.com

Well, So Much for 162-0

I guess a lot of people want to know how the Opening Day party at Who's on First went, so here's the Cliff's Notes version:

• Woke up to find I'd been quoted twice in a Daily News article about the early wake-up call for Yanks fans. I was interviewed over the phone Monday and told my family to get the paper Tuesday. After reading my boring quotes, my uncle wanted his 50 cents back. But c'mon, at least I wasn't the guy who said, "It's a little weird, but I'll be all right." Jesus. That made it over my analysis about how Yankees fans have to take the good with the bad when their team is the global face of Major League Baseball? Reminds me of when I visited a baseball card shop with CNN in 2001 for the 50th anniversary of Topps, gave them a lot of good stuff on the evolution of hobby shops and online auctions, walked in and out of the shop like five times till they shot it right, listened to the cameraman and producer fight with each other, and they used like five seconds of me pointing out some banal fact about a 1956 Ted Williams card. (Oh, speaking of CNN, here's how to get easy air time. If they shoot interviews in a "busy" newsroom where you happen to work, just walk through the background for no reason or send something worthless to the printer and hover over it forever — while in camera view, of course. I used to do it all the time.)

• The New York Times came in to shoot candid scenes from the bar at 6 a.m. Maybe they found out about the party through the Daily News. Or maybe they found out through PK.com (the News did). Anyway, you haven't seen people looking so unnatural while trying to be natural as when a Times photographer is popping his flash all over the place. Especially when half of them hadn't gone home from the previous night and were wasted off their asses. I pointed out to the guy that he could take a picture of me reading my Times with breakfast at the bar, but he said that's something the Post would do.

• It definitely didn't feel like Opening Day. It felt like I chore. I cursed Bud Selig in the shower at 4:30 a.m. The game felt like it had absolutely no importance whatsoever. I'm still waiting for Aston Kutcher to tell us we'd been punk'd and that the Yankees' season will start for real in America next week.

• New York state has to do something about the law that prohibits liquor sales before 8 a.m. Fucking game ended at 7:59 a.m., just in time for a Miller Lite I didn't want but, let's face it, had to have. You go to a bar to watch a game, you gotta throw one down. There's really no option.

• At least we didn't spend $25 on a breakfast buffet at ESPN Zone, like these clowns, who failed to follow Rule No. 1 on how to react when your team fails and you have an AP photographer pointing at you: ACT LIKE A MAN!

Other Sports Links:

• The 88-89 Duke Police (Glaxo) Set — A blast from the past: trading cards issued locally to warn kids of the dangers of drugs. Christian Laettner's card reads, "Whether it is a teammate or an opponent, show good sportsmanship by respecting their feelings. Respect yourself by not trying cocaine. The first time can kill." This is a guy who once stepped on an opponent's chest while he was laid out on his back.

• Top Things Not to Link About March Madness — Joe Concha gets cranky on us this week. C'mon, the One Shining Moment montage is still cool. After Syracuse won last year, we all loved seeing it. Of course, if your team is Stanford...

• Cubs Adorn Cover of Sports Illustrated's Baseball Preview Issue — Thank god. The Yanks were on the preview issue's cover the last three years and didn't win one World Series (although we got to two, most in the majors over that time, same number as the Red Sox since 1967). SI picks Cubs over Yanks in the Fall Classic. I think the last time they were right about an eventual champ was before one of those Ali-Frazier fights.

Beat This Caption: Richard Simmons

"As head chef of the New Orleans Saints, Richard Simmons promises to introduce to NFL players a healthy diet of vegetables, grains and penis."

(To beat this caption, post a comment below.)

2004 Baseball Preview and Predictions

Each baseball season brings with it a new sense of hope. The hope that one's favorite team adds a 27th World Series title to its resumé. The hope that Manny Ramirez breaks both legs — or at least one severely. The hope that Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte practice safe sex on their Houston Honeymoon. The hope that Cubs and Red Sox fans have plenty of Kleenex handy in this, their Season of Expectations. (Neither franchise exactly conjures up the word "clutch," if you know what I mean.)

As the Yankees' 2004 Tears Across MLB Tour readies to kick off in Japan on Tuesday, here's how I see the season shaping up:

AL East:
1. Yankees — The AL champs, who've won 103 and 101 games wins in the last two years, respectively, now feature a bolstered bullpen and the best back-up shortstop in baseball history.
2. Red Sox — Finished behind the Yankees six straight years, even with career years in 2003 for Bill Mueller, Kevin Millar, David Ortiz, Trot Nixon and Jason Varitek.
3-5. Blue Jays, Orioles, Devil Rays — Or, as I like to call them, speed bumps.

AL Central:
1. Twins — This division absolutely blows, and I guess Minnesota blows least.
2. White Sox — They'd better win the division, because it might take 100 victories to win the wild-card.
3-5. Royals, Indians, Tigers — Remember when the Indians absolutely dominated this division? It was like an oasis in a half-century of sucking. Welcome back!

AL West:
1. Athletics — Lost a lot in the offseason, but I love their starting pitching (and inability to win a series in the postseason). Still owe them thank-you cards for 2000 and 2001.
2-3. Mariners, Angels — The Angels made a splash in the offseason, but the M's are always a threat to win 92-95 games. (Except for the time they won 116 and lost to the Yankees in the postseason.)
4. Rangers — Like an ugly friend among three hot broads.

NL East:
1. Phillies — Embrace the pressure, Phils fans, and try not to throw up on yourselves.
2. Braves — The Braves' 12-year run as division champs has to end at some point. After losing Sheffield, Lopez and Maddux, this is probably it.
3. Marlins — Meet the 2004 version of the 2003 Angels.
4. Mets — The offseason acquisitions of Shane Spencer, Karim Garcia and Todd Zeile could be enough to vault the Mets ahead of the Expos (as opposed to last year).
5. Expos — Wait, they had a winning season in 2003?

NL Central:
1. Cubs — Great starting pitching and illegal bats make for a deadly combination.
2. Astros — Who's gonna break the news to Roger that he can't join Andy on the mound during games?
3. Cardinals — Should be a typical St. Louis season: solid, not quite scary.
4,5,6. Pirates, Reds, Brewers — All least their new stadiums are nice.

NL West:
1. Giants — Only two everyday players remain from 2002: J.T. Snow and the guy with contacts at BALCO.
2, 3, 4, 5. Diamondbacks, Dodgers, Rockies, Padres — Even the Dodgers, with Robin Ventura batting fifth and Jeff Weaver as a No. 3 starter, are expected to compete for this lousy division. Yawn.

Baseball Futures Lines From BetOnSports.com:

• Odds to Win World Series: Yankees +140, Red Sox +200 and Cubs +250 lead the way. Comparatively, the A's might be a good value at +1000, which is what the D-Backs are at, and they're horrible. The Mets are at +3300 and the Brewers bring up the rear at +25000.

• Player Who Will Fail the First Steroid Test Will Be... American born -130, foreign born -110. I'd have to go American on this one, but are there going to be any steroid tests where the identity of players are publicly released?

• Will [Enter Player Here] Test Positive for Steroid Use before Dec. 31, 2004? Odds for Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi and Gary Sheffield are all the same: Yes +250, No -400. See above. I don't think it'll ever happen. The government just wants to track down distributors. They're not looking to bring down MLB stars. And MLB sure doesn't give a shit.

• Which Team Will Commit the Most Errors in 2004? The Tigers lead at +400, but you might have a shot with the Yanks at +2000, which is where the Red Sox are at, as well.

• Which Team Will Hit the Most Home Runs in 2004? The Yankees are an even bet, with the Red Sox next at +400 and the Cubs at +500.

• Which Player Will Record the Most RBIs in 2004? Alex Rodriguez is in front at +200, with Albert Pujols closest at +350. I kinda like Jason Giambi at +1000, especially considering he'll be batting behind Jeter and A-Rod.

• Which Player Will Record the Most BBs in 2004? The only way Barry Bonds (-400) doesn't take the crown is if he misses playing time. Jim Thome and Sammy Sosa are both next at +500. Of those three, only Thome hasn't been accused of cheating.

• First Manager to Resign or Be Fired: Philadelphia's Larry Bowa is the best bet at +200. Least likely is Atlanta's Bobby Cox at +1800.

Other Baseball Season Preview Links

• The Sporting News' Power Poll — Ken Rosenthal has the Cubs No. 1, with the teams from the AL West ranked among the top eight, three teams from the NL Central in the top nine and nobody from the AL Central ranked higher than the Twins at 14.

• SoxSuck.com — A chronological history of amazing Boston Red Sox losses, remarkable collapses and other record-breaking feats. I love the fact that this site sponsors the doomed 2003 Red Sox team page on Baseball-Reference.com.

Full Disclosure: Bridge Photographer Dave Frieder

Lots of people take pictures of bridges. Dave Frieder takes pictures on bridges. Since 1993, the New York-based photographer has scaled 15 of New York's historic spans to capture truly unique views of perhaps the world's most photographed city. His effort to complete a coffee table book was curtailed due to security concerns stemming from the terrorist attacks of 9/11, but Dave keeps his dream alive. We wouldn't have it any other way.

Let's find out more about his captivating work...

1. What's the status of your project now? From which bridges have you photographed, and which remain on your wish list?
My project at this time is basically on hold. In 2002 the Port Authority was very kind in allowing me to photograph the George Washington Bridge, twice within three weeks. It was awesome! All the other bridge authorities have denied me access to their bridges. I really need some full-length views of all the bridges. This view would be the first image seen in my eventual book. I have only a few bridges with this view, but all the repairs and reconstruction has made this difficult. At this point I have photographed all the most well-known bridges in New York City. There are really only two bridges that I need to complete the photographs required for this book: the "Truss Span" of the Triborough Bridge and the Henry Hudson Bridge. These bridges also have had a lot of repair work. I was almost ready to start climbing and photographing them but then 9/11 came into the picture.

2. What was the process in getting access to climb these bridges pre-9/11? And weren't you scared to death up there?
It took a lot of patience, phone calls, begging, pleading and the usual red tape for all the agencies involved to allow me to do this. I had to prove to them that my motives were sincere and I had the skills and qualifications to accomplish such a daring project. My 20+ years of gymnastics definitely helped me in my climbing skills and carrying all the heavy equipment. All the authorities involved with this project now realize how beautiful their bridges really are. As for the height, it doesn't faze me one bit. Don't think I don't respect height, because you're asking for trouble if you don't. I never really had any fear of heights, even when I was a small boy. I remember one time my grandfather took me to the observation deck of the Empire State Building, and I just loved looking straight down and seeing how small the people and cars were. This fascinated me! My grandfather, however, was scared to death!

3. The sheer numbers associated with these bridges are staggering. How high above the city have you stood and what is the length and weight of some of these monstrous works?
Bridges are engineering marvels! The only structures that might come close are the great pyramids of Egypt. Buildings are fascinating, too, but no structure is as amazing as a bridge, especially suspension bridges. As for some bridge facts, the longest suspension bridge in the United States and in New York is the mighty Verrazano-Narrows. It is 4,260 feet between the towers, 60 feet longer than the Golden Gate Bridge. Its towers are 693 feet high, and the tops of the towers are 1 5/8ths further apart at the top than at the base, due to the curvature of the earth. This was intended to keep them perfectly perpendicular. The roadway (or deck) changes 12 feet between the cold of winter and the heat of summer. The weight of the suspended roadway is 51,000 tons. Each three-foot-diameter main cable can withstand the pull of approximately 180 million pounds!

4. Which bridge do you admire most?
The bridge I admire and love the most is the great George Washington Bridge. I have crossed this bridge more than any other and after studying this masterpiece of engineering. I realized that no other bridge can close in terms of aesthetics and the way it was engineered. If it were not for the GWB all modern bridges may not have been built, including the so-called famous Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. The GWB was Othmar Ammann's first large bridge, and it was also his favorite. His daughter, Margot, has referred the GWB as her sister.

5. Do you think your work presents a security threat?
I believe it my work poses NO threat to the safety and security of the New York Bridges or any bridges. My work is "fine art," and is not showing the critical areas of any bridge. That's what makes my scenario so sad. If any terrorist wanted to cause any harm to a bridge, building or EC, my photographs or anyone else's photographs would NOT be the cause. They would look for plans and blueprints. Unfortunately, at this time, I have to abide by the strict rules and regulations of the bridge authorities that do not let me access their facilities. Luckily, there are some people who realize what I am trying to accomplish and allow me to take some photographs, within reason. I do hope in the near future that things calm down enough to where I can return to do what I do best!

6. What kind of equipment do you use?
I use quite a few photographic tools to accomplish this monumental task of capturing these magnificent "sculptures" on film. My main tool is the Hasselblad 2000 FCW camera. For most of my work I use a 40 mm lens. It's a wide-angle lens that's very sharp and gives me the "vision" I require. Actually, I have two; one as a back-up. It uses 120 film and makes negatives 6x6 CM (centimeters). My mainstay is black-and-white, but I do use color sometimes. As for slides and smaller camera work, I use with my two Leica R5s. For the Hasselblad, I use exclusively a "GYRO" to stabilize the movements of the camera. Most of my work wouldn't be possible because of all the vibrations and movements on the bridges. All my equipment is tethered to me, and my safety harness with steel cables and nylon straps. Nothing can leave my person when I am up on a bridge. I take safety very seriously.

7. Tell us about the effect these bridges have had on the social and cultural history of New York City?
New York bridges are one of a kind. The United States began on the East coast, so it seems appropriate that modern bridge-building began here. Bridges are connectors. They connect people and cultures, cities and towns. Since waterways have to be kept open, bridges are the ideal solution to allow people and transportation vehicles to go to from one place to another. Ferries have their purpose, but bridges do the same function a lot faster. Visually, bridges are a permanent connection to land masses. For example, because of the Brooklyn and George Washington Bridges, both Brooklyn and New Jersey have grown culturally and physically over the many years both bridges have been in existence. The same can be said about Staten Island. Staten Island had a very small percentage of New York City's population. After the completion of the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge, the population in Staten Island practically exploded.

8. How has your website, DaveFrieder.com, and the Internet in general, helped you to promote your work?
It took me some time after friends hounded me to get a website that I finally moved forward to have one made up! I'm very glad I listened to them. I've been getting responses and compliments from people all over the world! I've been contacted by many film and documentary producers and others needing photographs of New York bridges and technical information. I'm considered an historian on the history and building of New York bridges, so the website helps everyone. Since I started this project, I have images that no one else has, especially since the tragic events of 9/11. I literarily have hundreds of images of the World Trade Center towers that were taken from the tops of many city bridges. I have sold some work from my site, and some bridge contractors have even hired me to do some photographic work for them. That's the best job in the world. To be paid to do something one LOVES to do!

9. How can one order prints of your photographs?
If one wants to order "fine art" prints from me, all one would have to do is log onto my website and decide which image he or she would like. I usually have several print sizes and, of course, different price ranges. Most people do not know the value of a fine art photograph and the countless hours it takes to produce one. When most people see my prices they shy away, not realizing that I have and the skill required to produce a print entirely by hand. The average person cannot afford a fine print by Ansel Adams. My work may have a different subject matter from Ansel but my fine-art quality is equivalent to his.

10. Has Osama bin Laden tried to order any prints?
No, Osama bin Laden hasn't tried to purchase any prints, nor has anyone else connected with terrorism. Believe me, If I knew of ANY terrorist that was trying to purchase prints or obtain information about the bridges, I would either turn him in myself or call the FBI immediately. I do sincerely hope someday soon that all these terrorists are captured and prosecuted so everyone can feel a little more at ease.

11. What are some of your favorite photography-related websites?
My favorite photography-related websites are the Ansel Adams Gallery, John Sexton Photography and Jeff Nixon Photography. Also, B&H Photo has a nice site! If I had a million dollars I could go on a major spending spree!

12. Do you have any upcoming presentations where those interested can check out your work?
I am giving a slide show and lecture as part of the March 30 "Tuesday Evening Hour" at 49 Fulton Street (Manhattan), Suite 8-J, at 6:30 p.m. I'll be bringing with me some extra bridge artifacts, and I believe there will be a big crowd! I have also invited all the people I know from all the bridge authorities and some others. As far as a large photographic presentation I really don't have any displays now or in the near future. I really need the time and some funds to print up some large prints to be displayed in a major gallery. Since I work for myself and can't seem to find enough time, it may be awhile before I can have a fine gallery display.

Paul's Recap: Thanks to Dave for taking PK.com to new heights! I caught one of his slide shows and lectures awhile back, and I was floored by the captivating images and stories that he shared. I recommend that anyone interested in photography or New York history take advantage of the opportunity this coming Tuesday to experience the same. Dave's photography is not only beautiful but inspirational. We should all have a passion that will someday leave behind a legacy of great work. Just like those guys who made Hamburger... the Motion Picture.

Be sure to visit DaveFrieder.com to view more NYC bridge photos.

Photos: My Trip to Nashville

Nashville at night was just as I'd hoped, an oasis of live country music, beer and friendly folk of all ages. During the day, I was reminded of the Dallas Winston line in The Outsiders: "What do they do for fun around here, play checkers or something?"

(Have a look at my 40 pictures from the two-night trip.)

The evening action was best downtown, in a lower Broadway strip of honky tonks that was a bit of a mini-Bourbon Street, but without the pressure to drink till you turned inhuman. First-rate, full-time musicians catered to the tourist crowd (85%, as quoted to me by one singer) by playing contemporary country covers, from George Strait to Garth Brooks. The two most popular tunes were Toby Keith's I Love This Bar and the Charlie Daniels Band's Devil went Down to Georgia. If you're gonna play in Texas, the song goes, ya gotta have a fiddle in the band. And so it is in Nashville.

The daytime action was, well, nowhere. I'd expected to be wowed by huge guitar shops and an overwhelming musical personality. Instead, we walked and walked (and walked) from Music Row to around Vanderbilt to downtown — passing a million churches along the way — trying to find something distinctive. Instead we found exhaustion, though the gorgeous mid-70s weather was easy to deal with.

We stayed in the heart of Music Row, but unknown to us was that the name comes from the area's abundance of music industry offices and studios and not an indication of honky tonks, music shops or, god forbid, a decent place to eat. There is a strip of bars that's trying to define itself as a Nashville destination, but it wasn't nearly as lively as downtown, and certainly not before 10 p.m.

We hit perhaps the city's most popular tourist spot, the Country Music Hall of Fame, an attractive modern facility that pays homage to pioneers of a music genre that still isn't popular enough in New York to warrant a country radio station. On display were instruments and outfits played and worn by everyone from Johnny Cash to Faith Hill, plus an enormous wall display of gold and platinum albums, Elvis Presley's Cadillac limo and gold-plated piano and a ring of plaques honoring Hall inductees. I saw Willie Nelson's sneakers — which, no doubt, were kickin'. Alas, Dolly Parton's bra was nowhere to be found.

Other Tid-Bits

• My Orangemen took it on the chin in their Sweet 16 matchup with Alabama. They got beat every which way in the game, but credit the Crimson Tide for preparing for an unfamiliar team and executing in the clutch, specifically in terms of outside shooting. I'll take eight tournament wins in two years every time, so thanks to all the Orangemen who played so great over that span.

• Dale Earnhardt is alive and well in Nashville. One guy in Legends Corner played a bass that payed tribute to The Intimidator, and the Stage had a No. 3 guitar on its wall. Oh, Wrangler jeans are also alive and well down there.

• Bands are pretty aggressive with tips — passing around the tip jug every 30 minutes or so. Can't blame them, since there is no cover, but it is a different experience from New York, where bands make their money off a $5-10 cover charge.

• How can you tell that the honky tonks on Broadway between Fourth and Fifth Avenues are tourist spots? The Stage's ATM had a withdrawal limit of $100, with a $2.50 service charge.

• Average price of domestic bottles of beer were $3.50, about 25% percent less than in NYC.

Yee-Haw! PK.com on Vacation

I'm gonna be in Nashville from Wednesday-Friday, so PK.com is shutting down operations till at least the weekend. Going for no other reason than I really dig country music and wanna check it out, but the timing works out great, as I'm rooting for local school Vanderbilt to upset UConn on Thursday night and hopefully set up a Saturday matchup with my Syracuse Orangemen, who play Alabama in the late regional semi-final.

While I'm not expecting an easy time of it in SEC country — imagine if SU and Vandy end up playing for the Final Four and I'd stayed a day later? — I am relieved to see that Nashville has been recently been named the friendliest U.S. city for travelers. (New York received the top overall score, when factoring a variety of categories.)

Discontinued: 2003 Red Sox AL "Champs" Merchandise

"Commemorate the Boston Red Sox 2003 American League Championship with this unique minted collectible that will last forever!" (Or at least as long as a Tim Wakefield knuckleball.) So says a discontinued product page on fansedge.com, submitted as a web find by my buddy Scott.

"Each Coin is protected in a clear capsule for protective purposes and presented in a Velour jewelry box as well as accompanied by a certificate of authenticity!" Uh-huh. And who authorized it? P.T. Barnum? Michael Milken? Milli Vanilli? Roberto Alomar's career with the Mets? Mo Vaughn's career with the Mets? Tom Glavine's career with the Mets? Jeff Kent's, Jeromy Burnitz's, Roger Cedeno's ... oh, you get the point.

"Limited edition of only 5000!" That's the same number minted for the 2003 NL "champion" Chicago Cubs. Amazingly, that product has not been discontinued. Sir, a Mr. Bartman on Line 1.

Please be advised this product will ship approx. Oct. 20th. Or never. Aaron Boone's home run landed in the left-field seats at Yankee Stadium on Oct. 17, 2003, at 12:16 a.m. That was when car horns exploded around the city and strangers everywhere hugged. No bullshit.

Now if you want the real deal, sports fans, order up some Yankees 2003 pennant-winning merchandise, commemorating our sixth world Series appearance in eight years. The Red Sox have advanced to only four World Series (1946, 1967, 1975, 1986) in over eight decades, losing each in Game 7. I tell ya, when it comes to losing, you guys are gold! Can't wait for the 2004 version to be discontinued, as well.

MAJOR UPDATE! Just found on eBay: This poster commemorating Boston's 1986 World series "victory," thanks to a ninth-inning grand slam by Bill Buckner. Way to go, Sox!

Other Web Finds:

• Worst Sex Scenes in Film History — Was gonna lead the site before the Red Sox coin came through. RetroCrush puts together another fun feature, this time starring Joe Pesci (ugh), Billy Bob Thornton (double-ugh) and Ned Beatty (excuse me for a minute).

• Take a Pledge of Technical Virginity — If it's up the ass, it's as safe as abstinence, right? That's what these satirical testimonials from teens contend. (Thanks, Tracy)

• The Singhson's — What The Simpsons would be like if it were situated not in Springfield but in Bombay. I've been meaning to link to this forever, but it had kept being shutting down, presumably from heavy traffic. But you know how the Internet breaks down: 90% porn, 5% Simpsons, 3% fantasy sports, 2% Simpsons porn.

• Iraq on the Record — Rep. Henry A. Waxman's "searchable collection of 237 specific misleading statements about the threat posed by Iraq made by the five Administration officials most responsible for providing public information and shaping public opinion on Iraq: President Bush, Vice President Cheney, Defense Secretary Rumsfeld, Secretary of State Powell, and National Security Advisor Rice."

• The Web's Most Influential Authors — Blogrunner's empirical study of whose work gets linked to the most. A host of New York Times writers dominate the top 20. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out the supreme popularity of No.1 blog heavyweight InstaPundit. Seems to be filled with rather ordinary opinion, in a rather ordinary writing style, filled with links that aren't descriptive enough for my tastes ("not gone remarked," "hedging," "blog," "this"). It's like a page of "click here" links that are inherently unconvincing. (Originally found on j-mo.com)

Review: Harpoontang's Latest CD Releases

YOU ARE ONE LUCKY SON OF A BITCH... reads the top of NYC rock band Harpoontang's latest press release, which arrived at my apartment recently, along with the two CDs pictured (I Gotta Bang Her and The Day After You), plus a tequila lobster rolls recipe that includes a 750ml bottle of Patron Añejo and 3 to 4 marijuana cigarettes (rolled pretty fat). This could only be the work of one man: longtime PK.com supporter Tequila Dave.

I've yet to meet Dave in person, but I've seen his name in lights — on the screen of a cash register at American Trash, the Upper East Side biker joint. Any old fool can earn a nameplate on the spot at the bar where he drank himself to death, but how many customers' tabs are programmed right into the permanent register display, right next to "domestic bottle" and "premium shot?"

And how many of them could pump out songs like My Little Rugburns, You're Pretty Sick for a Mother of Two, You Need Dick and I'm a Pain in Your Ass? Straight-up hard rock, AC/DC-like riffs with Al Goldstein-like lyrics. Order a free copy of The Day After You, and you'll be blown away. Unless you've got no sack and hang out in bars that play '80s pop and other crap that panders to women, while making guys' ears bleed.

Here's a sampling of Tequila Dave's lyrical wizardry.

From Pushing 38 (download .mp3):

Now I'm pushin 38, the shit still sounds great
Rock 'n' roll might've took my soul
But your fat, white ass took all my drugs and cash, oh yeah

From Cumming on You:

$5.95 for a book with your picture
$5.95 for a picture of you
$5.95 my dreams come so cheaply
Next thing you know babe
I'm cumming on you

From I Gotta Bang Her (download .mp3):

She got one thing I have to admit I never was expecting
A clean apartment, her dishes done, I’m heading in the right direction
She got no roommate, no animal that I see
If I can win her it’ll only be me
So if there’s one thing I gotta do

I gotta bang her

From Do-Able Mommies:

She’s well kept, rich, the kid even looks clean
She’s hot, white, a mommy sex machine
Turning me on the way she hands out the snacks
She got the ring already
I’m in love; somebody help me

I’m hanging in the playground checking out the do-able mommies

Is anyone else smelling Grammy? I think we know exactly who's playing at my next birthday party. And next time I'm at American Trash, I'm breaking jukebox protocol and playing both albums straight. And hopefully this time, some whacked-out crackhead chick won't be sitting next to me.

Also do yourself a favor and poke around all of Tequila Dave's website, which includes bios of the band members ("Tequila Dave has over 28 years experience in the consumption of drugs and alcohol"), some scary-ass photos and a history of favorite sexual positions of the wives and famous girlfriends of Harpoontang (some of whom have not even died).

Hey, Dave, send me the guitar chords to this stuff so I can start practicing Do-Able Mommies and jam with you guys.

In Five Words or Less: Long live rock!

The Sweet 16 and the Redefinition of Syracuse Basketball

For too long, the defining moment of the Syracuse University basketball program was its historic upset loss to Richmond in 1991, the first time a No. 2 seed was upset by a No. 15 seed in the first round of the NCAA tournament. The Orangemen were rightly labeled as postseason underachievers but, for more than a decade since, Syracuse has been one of the most consistent overachievers in March.

Though they've only once been seeded higher than fourth — winning the national title last year as a 3 seed — the Orangemen have posted a 22-8 record in the NCAA tournament, including this year's run to the Sweet 16. Coach Jim Boeheim's .733 winning percentage in the Big Dance since 1992 trails the career tournament winning percentages of only four active coaches — Duke's Mike Krzyzewski, Michigan State's Tom Izzo, Louisville's Rick Pitino and San Diego State's Steve Fisher.

Of those eight losses, four have come against No. 1 seeds (Missouri 1994, Kentucky 1996, Duke 1998, Michigan State 2000), one came against a No. 2 seed (Arkansas 1995) and one against a No. 3 seed (Massachusetts 1992). Only once in 10 tournament appearances since the Richmond loss, including 2004, has Syracuse fallen to a lower-seeded team, losing as a No. 8 seed to No. 9 seed Oklahoma State in 1999. Three of those losses came in overtime.

(Syracuse's tournament history | coaches' tournament records)

Boeheim is clearly getting better with age. He's Barry Bonds without the 'roids, and it must be said, with no qualifiers, that he's among the best coaches in college basketball. Today and any day. For eight straight tournament games, Syracuse's has dictated the pace and frustrated opponents with its zone defense. They've won them all, beating the likes of Oklahoma, Texas, Kansas and Maryland on their own terms. Boeheim has had as much of an effect on those games as a coach could possibly have.

Of course, most of the credit belongs to the players. For a dozen years, they've received an average tournament seeding of 5.1 (6, 4, 7, 4, 5, 8, 4, 5, 3, 5), advancing to the Sweet 16 in six of their last nine tournament appearances and winning the 2003 national championship. Now that's a pretty clutch program. Richmond is now just a distant memory.

As for the present, ESPN's Andy Katz sums it up thusly: San Antonio Suddenly Within Syracuse's Sights.

Other Sports Links:

• Packer to Call St. Joe's-Wake Forest Game — Rudy Martzke of USA Today reports that CBS is sending Billy Packer and Jim Nantz to East Rutherford, N.J., to call Thursday's regional semifinal game between St. Joe's and Wake Forest, Packer's alma mater and powerhouse conference rep. Martzke also has plenty of other media tid-bits from the tournament.

• Photos: Veterans Stadium Imploded — If only they'd do this to Fenway, with Manny Ramirez and Pedro Martinez still in it.

• Jason Williams' Duke Website — Friggin' hilarious personal site supposedly created by the former Duke All-American. (Found on Hi-Fi NY)

• Know Him From Adam: Mel Kiper, Jr. — An old, but still engaging interview with the ESPN draft guru. Kiper says he overachieved in marriage and, even though I have never seen his wife, I must say I agree with him.

• Mark Cuban on Referee Tendencies — The Mavs owner shares data on fouls being way down across the board since the All-Star break.

• Gators Undone by Manhattan, and Couldn't Have Cared Less — A scathing column by CBS SportsLine's Gregg Doyel on the apathetic Florida Gators' uninspiring first-round loss.

• Best NCAA Tournament Games Ever — Joe Concha recounts the five best, all of which came during a period when the best players actually hung around a couple of years. Of course, my top two are Syracuse over Kansas in 2003 and Syracuse over Kansas in 1996. Can't wait till we play those guys again.

Beat My Score: Escape!

It's time for another exciting edition of the series you love to hate, Beat My Score, in which you try to prove your superiority in time-wasting online games.

Today, we present Escape!, submitted by Dave. The object of the game is to hold your mouse on the red square and direction it away from the moving, blue pieces. Just like the Red Sox have avoided a World Series trophy for more than eight decades.

The score to beat is 32.297 seconds, or as long as it takes Osama bin Laden to screw his goat.

The World's Richest Blogger: Mark Cuban

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban has never been a hard guy to read, and now it's even easier, thanks to the billionaire techie's new site, Blog Maverick. Cuban, who's been fined 10 times in less than four years, is always good for a quote, and his blog did not disappoint in its opening week. Some highlights:

• Sportswriter Sam Smith Is a 'Malicious Liar.' Cuban writes, "His columns have easily surpassed Peter Vescey’s as the place I can read about things I didn’t know I did or said. Which is because they didn't happen."

• Why Mamma.com Is a Good Investment. Cuban writes, "I invested in Mamma.com for the same reason I invested in Netidentity.com back when it was known as Mailbank.com. I love businesses with low overhead, that don’t need to be technology leaders to succeed, that generate cash that they can put in the bank, and at some point, hopefully payout to shareholders."

• What He Really Told Josh Howard. Trading e-mails with Kevin Blackistone of the Dallas Morning News on how he wanted his rookie to play tougher with a ref who typically lets 'em play. The situation got twisted into a possible bounty scandal.

Highlights from the Cuban reign in Dallas include:
• Cuban managing a Dairy Queen for a day after saying he wouldn't hire Ed Rush, the NBA's head of officiating, "to manage a Dairy Queen."
• Cuban saying that the attention surrounding the Kobe Bryant rape case is good for NBA business.

Other Web Finds:

• Video: Rumsfeld on "Imminent Danger" — Rummy gets questioned on his own inconsistencies regarding the danger posed by Iraq. He doesn't really have an answer.

• Babes Against Bush — PIctures of hot broads and some witty commentary on that great uniter, GWB. Regarding Bush's Thanksgiving trip to Iraq, the site reads, "The plastic turkey was holding the platter, not sitting on it."

• Mountain Dew = Shrinking 'Nads? — Finally, the truth on yellow soda and testicular atrophy. At least, I think it's the truth.

• Seinfeld Blog — Related news from the site that hosts a great, searchable Seinfeld script archive.

• CarbWire — A blog that delivers news links related to low-carb diets. Search for "bacon," and you'll probably bring down its servers.

10-Year-Old Wins Rotten Sneaker Contest

Just when you thought the best stinker to come out of Vermont was the Dean for America campaign, along comes Daegan Goodman, just 10 years old and winner of a rotten sneaker contest held in Montpelier.

Sponsored by Odor-Eaters, the contest was judged, for the fifth time, by 48-year-old George Aldrich, who owns a keen sense of smell and probably has tons of hot, single women calling him at all hours of the night. Lest you think Aldrich is a one-trick pony, the New york City-based actor has also conducted hundreds of smell tests for NASA. So I guess you know who to call if you really have to know what a fart smells like in space.

Stay tuned to PK.com news as results filter in from other Vermont contests. Hairiest back? Nastiest pits? Correspondents are in the field now.

Other News Links:

• Donald Trump to Trademark 'You're Fired' — He is expected to split residuals with the racoon that takes up residence on his head.

• Bin Laden's Deputy Reportedly Surrounded — We'll get all these dicks eventually. Good still outnumbers evil by a wide margin.

• Rewarding Terror in Spain — Edward Luttwak's op-ed in the New York Times on how the terrorist attack in Madrid changed a national election. Many more interesting takes on the situation can be found on Real Clear Politics, a daily index of political commentary from a variety of international sources.

• Woman Uses Sex Act as Manslaughter Defense — How could she have been driving the doomed car, she asks, when her head was buried between her man's legs?

• Toilet Seats Cleaner Than Keyboards, Telephone Dials — I'm not surprised. Nothing freaks me out more than having to use someone else's computer, especially when that person has a propensity to eat at his desk. Or, um, do other things at the computer.

• Britain Charges Those Wrongly Imprisoned — The Royal Courts of Justice in London charges victims of miscarriages of justice for "saved living expenses." The ass-reamings are free, though.

Photos: New York City Transit Museum

Tuesday I took a trip to the country to visit the New York Transit Museum in Brooklyn, and it was the perfect opportunity to test out a new photo-hosting service called Fotki. I wasn't happy with Webshots' slow-loading ad-laden pages — my premium-service fee notwithstanding — and Fotki seems to do a better job of displaying large photos. Plus, I can sell my photos for extremely reasonable fees — as little as $1.99 for an 8x10 print — losing only a 15% commission fee.

My first album of photos from the New York Transit Museum are not of printable quality. I'll have to play with settings that will allow me to upload photos that are suitable for 8x10s while remaining web-friendly in terms of load time for simple browsing.

The museum, which is a decommissioned subway stop, is a fascinating walk through of New York's bustling transit system, including subways, buses and trolleys that trace the city's social, cultural and technological history. Real subway cars from every generation are part of the permanent exhibit, so you can sit exactly how your parents and grandparents did. It's quite remarkable.

I tried to take a final pic of the gift shop, but a women was quick to tell me that photos are not allowed to be taken there. I asked her a simple question: How come? She replied, "That's just the way they want it." I hate when people say that. Like that satisfied my curiosity. At least admit your ignorance and say, "I don't know." Really, though, the correct response is, "I have no idea. I should have an idea because I know it's a rule that makes no sense on the surface, but I really have absolutely no idea."

Otherwise, the museum is great, though I do suggest the following exhibits for future consideration:

The Stink Man: A timeline of the smelliest subway bums that have curled up in corners and stunk up cars so bad that people crush themselves into adjacent ones.

Denied! Famous moments in NYC history when some nerd in a suit runs an half a block in 80-degree weather to catch a bus, only to have it pull away at the last second, leaving him huffing, puffing and sweating, but trying to look cool, as if everyone didn't just see him get punk'd by the bus driver.

Downblouse Jackpots: Those times when you're crammed into a car and you're stuck standing above a woman showing off her perfect cleavage. God, these moments are few and far between, but me and my buddy Brian will always have that long trip to Shea Stadium to remember, when we looked at each other and just started laughing at our luck.

Subway Rats: They should have a whole bunch of them running around a pen, where they feed off the graffitti "artists" who made our city look like a crime-ridden pile of shit in the 1970s.

Full Disclosure: Bachelor Party Queen Belladonna

WARNING: I'm breaking protocol today to help out a friend. The links you will encounter below are NOT WORK-SAFE. That's not to say you shouldn't click on them. It means that you will see a boobie or two or 50 behind them and should think twice if you work for a company that wouldn't appreciate you looking at boobies during work hours. If this is the case, I suggest you wait till you get home to proceed further. Then update your resumé and find a new job.

In honor of Women's History Month, I am pleased to present the following interview with one of the most original people I know: Belladonna of Wild Things, a foreign-born entrepreneur whose stable of sexy women has helped spice up many a New York City party. Clean-living and positive-thinking, Bella first introduced herself to me by grabbing my crotch at a Chinese restaurant a couple of years back. A couple of months later, I said I'd treat our group of friends to pizza if she molested the delivery boy. The guy went home with a nice tip and a story his coworkers probably didn't believe. This was after Bella hung out my apartment windows topless and yelled for people to look. She's a character, all right, and a genuinely fun person. I hope you enjoy our chat with her...

1. Bella, tell us a bit about your New York City business.
I've been very lucky to not follow in the footsteps of my so-called "competition," and I now have the most unique stripper service in the New York area. I do things very differently from other people. I actually send the girls you request, use updated, recent and real pictures, as opposed to some of the sites that make me laugh by using Playboy and Penthouse models and pictures of girls who don't work there or are actually 10 years older than shown. But most people appreciate the fact that we do the most outrageous, raunchy, crazy and unforgettable girlie show, with lots of toys, kinky stuff and crowd participation. I only work with girls who really enjoy what they do, and it shows. They're easy-going, down to earth and fun to hang with. We often end up hanging out with the guys rather then running out to do another show. We aren't hustlers, either. I split the money fairly, so they have all the incentive they need to do the full hour show. I actually have beautiful, young girls that are free-spirited and open-minded enough to ... well, you'd have to read about that on my site, it may be too risqué for you.

2. Your personal story reads a little bit like the American Dream. Give us the scoop on your move to the States.
I came to NYC with a dream of being a sex symbol at the age of 14. By 15 I was! I started dancing in clubs, working as a dominatrix, hanging out in clubs and getting "Americanized." By the time I was 19, I had my own agency, starred in many XXX films under the name of Sasha Sweet, posed for men's magazines and became quite a celebrity in New York! Not exactly what I had in mind when I first answered an ad that read "models wanted." I gave up on showbiz, but New York gained a quality bachelor party service! I'm always told by my most grateful customers that they've never been to a party like mine. I no longer do shows myself, but I have the most amazing crew of gorgeous, wild women that make me proud! One of these days I'll write a screenplay, but I'm still doing my research! I wonder who'll play me.

3. What were your goals when you started Belladonnasworld.com, and how's it going so far?
I'm glad someone talked me into having a site back in 2000. Before I used to have to meet people with my "photo album" at coffee shops, where curious on-lookers would try to get a peek. But now I can reach the world with my site, and I can hardly believe the custom video orders we get from all over the world! Japan, Italy, UK, you name it. We ship there! We do custom videos for people with special fetishes and fantasies. They are personalized for the guy who orders it.

4. What are the details behind your members area?
For only $1.99/month you get access to my members area, where you can see very hardcore pix of my girls doing very bad things with each other, their men or themselves! But it's not for you if you are a born-again Christian or just uptight. You may not want to use your mom's computer. Hehe.

5. I know you have some strong feelings about how the sex trade is often held responsible for some of society's ills. Please share them.
It just pisses me off that the religious right is still so in control of so many values that people are force-fed since childhood, but it's OK for the media to sell whatever they please using sex. When some frustrated married guy kidnaps and kills a girl, they say it was because he was frequenting porn sites on the Internet, and his friends ran a site that had "cat fights" on it! Wow! Yep, that must have been it. Hmm, I mean it couldn't just been that his wife was such a fucking douche bag that she wouldn't shave her twat and barely blew him on their wedding night! Who wouldn't go nuts? I know when I don't cum, I get pretty cranky. Jerry Springer brings Neanderthals on the show to humiliate them so he can run for mayor or whatever, and he has the balls to pass judgment on these poor people at the end of the show to look like this moral old fart who never paid for pussy. Yeah, right! A talented fat chick goes on American Idol, and they bump her off because she showed her boobs to feed her child?! I see women breast feed in public all the time, and they can't even sing! You get the point. I could write a book on this stuff, and I just might.

6. What can we generally expect on your News page, and how often do you update it?
I update the pix as often as I can, but definitely monthly. I write my diary, including news, almost every week. When a porn star is in town, or someone special is available that normally isn't, I post it on there. It's great for the guys to check availability and just to see what we're up to! We sometimes throw parties where we invite all those that subscribe to my newsletter (hint, hint) where they get to meet all the girls watch them perform and participate in all kinds of craziness — all for a low admissions fee. These parties are invite only, and I may be having one soon.

7. What are some of the things that go on at a Wild Things party?
Well, like I said, lesbian shows are out specialty. We cum fully equipped with toys and props and get very creative, involving only those willing to play. It gets very sexy, funny, erotic and back to outrageous. Many girls do their own special theme. Some have special talents, like shooting things, anal, fisting, etc.. The sky's the limit, but no bestiality! That's where I draw the line! No show is ever really the same, because it depends on the crowd. We try to cater to guys' different vibes, sense of humor or lack thereof etc. Our favorite trick is the "dick-head," where we strap a dildo to the guy's head and let him bob for apples, so to speak. The guys love the double dong, where we do a million and one positions, twisting and turning, all while each end is still in. The strap-on, some squirting ... we are always looking for fun ideas. Got any?

8. Drugs, booze, cigarettes. You must do it all, huh?
I don't drink, smoke, party, get high, eat meat or hold grudges. Bad for your health. I like my "booty rest," wheat grass juice and a colonic every now and then. I always was one of those people who simply can't drink, and I am naturally high and hyperactive, so I don't require stimulants other then sweets and sex!

9. You used to perform yourself, correct? How come you gave it up?
I knew I would eventually stop, but never thought it would be for this reason: I simply found a great guy, and after getting pretty serious in the relationship, I decided I wanted to be for his eyes only. It was completely my decision. I was also getting burned out performing and running the show at the same time. It's a lot of pressure. I no longer like to stay up all night. I felt confident enough in my girls to make me look good that I didn't have to be there anymore to make sure. Like I said, I have some amazing girls!

10. How has the Internet allowed you to be a better businesswoman?
It really opened me up to a whole new world. I wish I would have done it sooner! I was computer illiterate and still learning, but I'm catching on to the potential it has to make money and grow a business. It's done wonders for me.

11. How can girls who are interested in working for you go about contacting you?
Just e-mail me at Bella@belladonnasworld.com or call my cell at 347-392-0680. I'm easy to reach. Send a pic if e-mailing.

12. What's the best way for guys to set up a Wild Things party?
My site is very informative. It answers a lot of questions people have regarding rates, how we work, how to book, who is available, etc. So I recommend that they spend some time browsing through my site. I have a photo album which is free, and it has many pix from our shows showing doing what we do best. I have pix and bios of the girls, so before e-mailing me or calling, try to see all I have to offer and compare with another site. The site is free, except the XXX area. I give personal attention to everyone who calls. I put a lot of effort in planning each party. I don't mind giving guys advice on how to plan the party, where to do it, etc., to save the first-timers from paying too much for a hotel room or private room in a bar when instead they can spend it on us! We go anywhere in the Tri-State area, but the farther we go away from NYC, the higher the rate. Most of our work is in or close to NYC. Our prices are very good considering the value of our service.

Hope to see your smiling drunken faces soon!

Paul's Recap: And there you have it. Wild Things certainly lives up to its name, and I can't stress enough how much of a genuinely decent person Belladonna is. She plays no games, except for the fun ones. Head on over to Belladonnasworld.com to learn more about her business, and tell her you read her interview here when arranging your next party. She'll be happy to help you plan a fun night.

NCAA Basketball Tournament Analysis and Predictions

Like drinking in the daytime? Is your boss a prick? If you answered yes to either question, welcome to the week of your dreams.

Work on that fake cough Monday and Tuesday at the office, hack around till your coworkers are completely grossed out, and plant the seeds for sick days that will bring with it all-day St. Patrick's Day parties on Wednesday, followed by the 32 first-round games of March Madness on Thursday and Friday. Worry about S&P indexes and P/E ratios next week. This week's acronyms are NCAA and FUBAR.

The NCAA Tournament field of 65 is set, and here are some story lines to follow (besides liquid lunch specials in your area):

St. Joe's: Least-Respected No. 1 Seed Ever: Most people think the Hawks deserved a No. 1 seed, but they'll be absent from just about everyone's Final Four picks. Billy Packer is basically a dead man if he ever steps foot on the Philadelphia campus, and Mel Gibson didn't have to defend his work as much as coach Phil Martelli did Sunday night. I love when live TV gets testy. Reminds me of when Mel Kiper Jr. blasted the Colts for drafting Trev Alberts over Trent Dilfer, and Indianapolis GM Bill Tobin fired back by saying, "Who the hell is Mel Kiper? My mailman knows more about the draft than he does."

Let's All Kiss the ACC's Ass! Five teams among the top 16 seeds? What, they couldn't fit them all in? I'm waiting for someone to say Florida State would go undefeated in the Big 12. North Carolina was 8-9 in conference play and got rewarded with a 6 seed, which means they're ranked between 21-24 nationally. What do the Tar Heels have to do to not be ranked? I can bitch all I want about Maryland getting a 4 seed after losing 9 of its first 15 conference games, before getting hot for one week, but a second-round matchup looms with my national champs. Talk is cheap until then, hopefully.

Show More Vitale/Hooters Commercials! I'm not entirely sure ACC-lover "Dukie V." understood that people were actually going to see these goofy spots. When Cue Ball says to the Hooters Air stewardess, "But I'm a captain, baby!" I want to tell him to keep it in the bedroom, but I'm laughing too hard. Have you ever seen a 64-year-old man so happy to get served a plate of chicken wings? Tiki Barber (jerk chicken restaurant) and Jason Giambi (Old Spice deodorant) have been knocked down a notch on the list of Sports Personalities Humiliated by Bad Commercials.

Bobby Knight to Blow a Gasket? Is there a single person outside of Lubbock, Texas, who isn't penciling in Charlotte and laughing giddily at the prospects of another live-TV meltdown by General Robert Montgomery Knight? Happens every year.

Potential Second-Round Matchups: As fun as the first round typically is, the second round is even better, as reps from the stronger conferences go head-to-head. Some great potential weekend matchups include: Providence (Big East) vs. Kansas (Big 12), Florida (SEC) vs. Wake Forest (ACC), Duke (ACC) vs. either Seton Hall (Big East) or Arizona (Pac-10), Louisville (C-USA) vs. Mississippi State (SEC), Syracuse (Big East) vs. Maryland (ACC), DePaul (C-USA) vs. UConn (Big East). Michigan State vs. Gonzaga would be flat-out huge in terms of how it affects perception of the Big Ten and mid-majors.

My Final Four Picks: I like Kentucky to get past Kansas and Georgia Tech in the St. Louis bracket. Pittsburgh over Oklahoma State and Wake Forest in the East Rutherford bracket. Duke over Cincinnati and Texas in Atlanta. And Connecticut over N.C. State and Stanford in Phoenix.

(Post your picks in the comments area below.)

Photos: Another Early Big East Tourney Exit for 'Cuse

In less than a week, I experienced the best and worst of being a Syracuse University alum and sports fan. Last Sunday I was at the Carrier Dome for a court-storming victory over UConn in front of a monstrous crowd of 32,944. The Thunder Dome was just as I'd remembered it: loud, large and unlike anything in college basketball. On Thursday I attended the quarterfinal round of the Big East Tournament, where Syracuse led the entire fucking game till the last minute, falling in heart-breaking fashion to underdog Boston College. I had been a to a few of these MSG encounters before. It was just as I'd remembered it.

I took some photos at Thursday's matinee and tacked them onto the end of the SU-UConn photo album.

What you'll see looks like a normal game, but afternoon affairs at the Big East Tournament are anything but. The crowd is usually subdued at the start because: a) it's 2 p.m. on a weekday, for Christ's sake; b) ticket-holders are split among fans from the 12 participating teams, and some just don't show up when their teams aren't playing; and c) there's a more important tournament starting next week.

By the end, though, the beer has kicked in and even the most impartial fans have picked a rooting interest (almost always the underdog). It may be 4 p.m. on a Thursday in a stadium one-third empty, but the place starts to rock. And it sure beats being in an office.

Notes From Thursday's Experience:

• Does anything test one's patience more than a tense game with a split crowd? The worst thing in the world is having a fan of the opposing team sitting behind you. When you're steamed, they're clapping in your ear. It's quite disorienting. You're thinking, "What's this schmuck clapping for? That was traveling on us." Then you remember he's just a jagoff from Boston and you want to pull out an Aaron Boone baseball card and chuck it in his beer.

• Fans of early-round losers are always extra-pissed, because it ruins the whole damn weekend. Out-of-towners who bought the entire six-session, 11-game ticket plan could see their team streak their way to a Saturday night championship over three or four games. Fun, fun, fun. Or they could lose early, get heckled on the way out by opposing fans from a variety of schools, try desperately to dump their tickets to the vultures preying on desolate fans after every game, then spend twice as much on lunch as they would have back home. On the way down the stairs at MSG, I heard a middle-aged Syracuse fan yell to absolutely no one, "Jesus fucking Christ!" I swear I almost laughed at loud, even though I was pissed, too. But c'mon, man. Get a grip.

• I hope it didn't cost us a seed in the NCAA Tournament. I think a win there guaranteed us a 5. Now we may be looking at a 6. BTW, is there a team out there that doesn't want to be in whatever bracket St. Joe's gets a No. 1 or No. 2 seed in?

• MSG showed a highlight reel of the four Big East teams who've won national championships (1984 Georgetown, 1985 Villanova, 1999 UConn, 2003 Syracuse). The 'Cuse fans rocked when the Orangemen's portion of the clip aired.

Review: MVP Baseball 2004 for Playstation 2

MVP Baseball 2004 hit stores Wednesday, and I was one of the first to put it to the test. If it's in the game, it's in the game, EA Sports' saying goes, and I was more than pleased with the realism the game offers.

In my first matchup, I took the reins of the vaunted Yankees, ranked 3rd overall, behind the two league All-Star teams. My buddy Craig H. grabbed hold of the Red Sox (4th) for a showdown in the Bronx. For some reason, the game shipped without Alex Rodriguez in pinstripes and with Alfonso Soriano and Aaron Boone still in the Yankees' active lineup. That's correctable manually, but I was too eager to play to mess around with rosters right away. And it's a good thing I didn't. Aaron Boone was the star of the game, going 4-for-4 with a home run and three RBIs in a 7-3 victory nailed down by Mariano Rivera. Sound familiar?

In the second game, Craig played his beloved Padres in their beautiful new park, in which I scored five first-inning runs with the Rockies against none other than David Wells, who was pulled with a 45.00 ERA before Craig quit in a huff. If this isn't the most realistic game ever produced, I don't know what is.

Other fun stuff included beaning Manny Ramirez with the bases loaded, which gave Craig the option of charging the mound against Mike Mussina. He did, and it got Manny tossed, along with Derek Jeter. I hope DJ smashed his face up pretty good in the unshown scuffle.

Finally, MVP Baseball 2004 remains true to the long-standing baseball video game tradition that your opponent will probably swing at every single pitch outside of the strike zone.

Game Features Include:

• Pure Swing System: Aim with the left, swing with the right. Sounds kinky, but it helped me launch a 500-foot bomb.

• Big Play Control: Climb fences to rob home runs, run over catchers (not me) and execute hook slides. I guess EA Sports is saving the ability to scratch your balls for 2005.

• Cooperstown Collection and the Minors: Fifty legends players (sorry, no Dan Pasqua), 60 retro uniforms and eight classic stadiums mean you should never, ever play the 2004 Devil Rays in whatever tuna can they play their games in. Sixty real-life minor league teams, not including the Mets, are in the game, too.

• 120-Season Dynasty Mode: Build your teams just like the pros — by paying an ass-load of money for players developed by crappier teams. And just think, in 120 seasons the Red Sox might actually win something. Probably not, though.

• Online Play: Gee, I can't wait to get bitch-slapped in this one by whatever pukes spend 24 hours a day figuring out the nuances of diving and double-steals.

MVP Baseball 2004 Links:

• MetaCritic.com Reviews — Five reviewers give it an average score of 88 out of 100. Users give it an 8.5 out of 10.

• IGN.com's Message Board — The forum is already jumping with new owners talking strategy and bitching about suppliers being out of stock.

• GameZone.com Interviews EA Sports' Producers — Find out what goes into making such a complex game.

Saraceno: Terrell Owens Reminds of Bud's Leon

In Tuesday's USA Today columnist John Saraceno made an astute observation regarding the Terrell Owens free-agency fiasco. Owens, he writes, is the real-life version of Leon, the subject of a series of Bud beer commercials that poked fun at pouting football players who excel most at passing the buck. Yep, that's basically Owens in a nutshell.

An arbitrator will decide Sunday whether Owens' trade from the 49ers to the Ravens will stand after he and his agent were late to act on his option to file for free agency and collect a healthy signing bonus to play for the team of his choice, which is the Eagles. Insiders say Owens really has no chance in the case.

In an interview Monday with Philadelphia sportswriter Stephen A. Smith, Owens called the 49ers "sleazy" and "vindictive," labeled three-time Pro Bowl quarterback Jeff Garcia a "robot," and claimed to have told Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome, "I don't trust you, either." It's a wonder why any team wants this guy.

I'm just waiting for the next time someone cracks him for excessive celebration, like George Teague did in 2000 (pictured) after "Leon" preened on the Cowboys' mid-field star for the second time in the game after scoring a touchdown. Owens was then suspended for a week by his own "sleazy" and "vindictive" team.

Other Sports Links:

• Syracuse the Rodney Dangerfield of College Hoop Polls — Despite an RPI ranking of 8, the Orangemen (21-6, 11-5) are ranked just below teams like North Carolina, a .500 team in the ACC with three more losses than SU, and way below Texas, which has the same record but a weaker strength of schedule and lower RPI.

• The Madden-ing Crowd — A Knight Ridder feature on the explosion of high-stakes football video game tournaments. Once again, if you ever want to try your luck against my Packers (I ain't playing the shitty Giants), IM me to set up a game.

• Yankees Purchase Naming Rights to Fenway Park — A satirical article from SportsPickle.com.

• Then & Now: From Rookies to Vets — ESPN.com's Page 2 compares photos of athletes and celebrities who have been accused of unnatural growth.

• 'Van Slyke Was Born to Be an Idiot' — The ageless Julio Franco fires back at allegations that his longevity is attributable to steroids. "I am on the juice. The juice of Jesus of Nazareth," he says.

I'd Make One Kick-Ass Airport Baggage Screener

MSNBC.com presents an interactive airport security screening test to see how well you would thwart the dastardly intentions of terrorists. The feature includes creepy music, a narrator with a lisp and heckling passengers who grow impatient when you take too long to screen their rash ointments and sex toys. Travelers are not visible, so you can't engage in profiling. So you'd have to screen baggage of white women with the same scrutiny as that of Middle Eastern men. Makes sense to me!

Terrorists take note: I got a perfect score. So if you see me in an airport making $10 an hour while half-asleep, best take your business elsewhere. You've got a better chance meeting a horde of virgins at the Chicken Ranch than you do by taking down a plane under my watch. Praise be to Steinbrenner.

Other Web Finds:

• Rate My SU Class — A site where Syracuse University students can rank everything from classes to campus bars to local strip clubs. Maggie's, my happy hour joint when I was a 17-year-old freshman, gets the lowest rating among bars, but not according to some guy who said: "I used to puke in this bar constantly and they'd still give me drinks. Gotta give props to any bar that allows that."

• A Practical Examination of Maria Menounos' Breasts — ApeChild.com investigates whether Entertainment Tonight pre-Oscars host's breasts are real or real expensive.

• Hog's Breath Saloon's Homemade Bikini Winners — I'll be down in Key West in five weeks. Keep the beer and peel-n-eat shrimp on ice for me!

• Playboy.com Interviews Rick Saloman — A Q&A with a man so smart he filmed a home-made porno with night vision instead of, I don't know, turning on the lights, maybe? At least we find out who "fucking Fred" is.

• Great Quotes from Great Skeptics — Predictions that didn't exactly pan out. Said Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, in 1943: "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."

Photos: My Return to the Carrier Dome

Soon after the start of the second half in a tight game between the Syracuse Orangemen and Connecticut Huskies on Sunday, I turned to my travel partner and fellow alum Scott and said, "This is gonna be a court-stormer." As the game wore on, in front of the fifth largest crowd in Carrier Dome history (32,944), I cared less about the outcome's influence on NCAA tournament seeding and more about getting onto Jim Boeheim Court to celebrate for only the second time in my life and first since I was a senior at Syracuse 10 years ago.

When the buzzer sounded to cap off an 11-point victory — the Orangemen's second over a top-10 team in as many weekends — we did indeed storm the court. And I have the pictures to prove it. Fans left messages on SU hoops forums thanking the crowd for being the sixth man, and I was happy to have played a part in what is unquestionably a most unique on-campus college sports experience.

Weekend Notes:

• The largest ovation during Senior Day introductions was for back-up center Jeremy McNeil, whose mother died at the start of last season. After other seniors were ushered to center court by their parents, McNeil was escorted by the entire team. A woman in the row behind me wiped away tears.

• Ten years since graduation. It was a somewhat emotional experience walking and driving around campus, noting what's changed and what hasn't, both in terms of the university and the 31-year-old man who first hit town as a 17-year-old boy.

• People in Syracuse apparently don't tip well. We went out to the bars in Armory Square on Saturday night, and I saw several people leave change on the bar. One guy left 50 cents on a $13.50 tab. Ouch.

• Lower-level tickets to the game were selling on eBay for about $150 each. Stupid UConn fans. Scott and I took a scalper's first offer, and we still made out well: $60 a seat for two in Section 104, Row K. The woman next to me reacted like I'd just paid $100 for a turkey sandwich, though.

Yankees Opening Day Morning Party at Who's on First

Thanks to one of New York's brilliant minds, Yankees fans will have a place to party when the first pitch of the baseball season is made to Kenny Lofton, at 5:05 a.m. ET in Tokyo, on Tues., March 30. Upper East Side party spot Who's on First will open its doors early to welcome the city's most loyal Bombers fans when the Yanks kick off their 2004 Tears Across the Majors world tour.

Pesky liquor laws prevent them from serving liquor till 8 a.m., so we'll have to do with free bagels and coffee at the start. But drinks will flow at 8 a.m., with game-related specials, including free shots if Alex Rodriguez goes deep in his first game in pinstripes.

Today, we chat with Mark Evangelista, co-owner of the bar, and a man whose favorite team fields the "Little Matsui" (how cute).

1. Mark, thanks for opening up the bar so early for us. Any idea who came up with this great idea?
I believe it was Marie Antoinette.

2. So you're gonna open up early and the Yanks are gonna torch the Devil Rays. What can we expect in between at your place?
Carmit and Timmie will be our bartending team. They're much better looking in the morning than Al Roker.

3. How do you plan to cater to Yankees fans in what should be a glorious season?
All season long, if you wear a jersey of your favorite Yankee and he hits a home run, you'll get a free shot. Bring in your ticket stub (within a week after the game) and get a free drink. And any home game that Giambi or Sheffield homers you'll get a free syringe shot! Bring in 10 Yankee fans, you'll get one hour of free drafts (call us in advance at 212.410.2780).

4. Will there be any specials for women who wear Yankees underwear? Or better yet, no underwear?
No, only Yankee tattoos below the belt. Then free drinks if you show me in the office.

5. Are you planning a similar baseball-themed event for when the Mets wrap up another sub-.500 season Oct. 3 against Montreal? (Good seats still available!)
Yeah, it's called Matsui Hari Kari.

6. Do you think the acquisitions of Karim Garcia and Todd Zeile are gonna to the Mets over the top -- as in more than the 66 wins they had in 2003?
It means we get probation for assault.

Paul's Recap: Thanks to Mark for hooking us up, even though each Yankees win is a stake in his heart. C'mon, Bombers fans, don't screw this one up. Let's have a regular hangout for road games and home games where the only seats available are with the heathens in the now-alcohol-free bleachers.

Take the PK.com University of Georgia Quiz

By now you've probably heard about former University of Georgia assistant basketball coach Jim Harrick Jr.'s 2001 quiz in the Coaching Principles and Strategies of Basketball class. It included such questions as:
• How many points does a 3-point field goal account for in a basketball game?
• Diagram the half-court line.

Why has it taken three years for this test to be released? Probably because, while it's funny, it's not that shocking. What, you thought major college athletes are under the same academic pressures as the kid with financial aid? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. You think my alma mater, Syracuse, admitted Carmelo Anthony last year because he intended to get a four-year degree? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. You think Cincinnati keeps Bob Huggins around because his players have an excellent graduation rate? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

College sports. It's a business. There are exceptions, but it's a business. Ironically, Major League Baseball, the most maligned of the major sports when it comes to operations, does it best when it comes to developing talent: a professional minor league with no pretense.

In honor of Jim Harrick, Jr. (whom we wish luck finding another job) we present the PK.com version of the UGA quiz:

1. If Manny Ramirez walks half-way to first base after a sixth-inning home run against the A's, how many games will it take for Oakland to bean his punk ass in 2004?

2. If Sean Landeta, who just re-signed with the Rams, is 42 years old, how many years does he have remaining till he collects social security?

3. Diagram an Alex Rodriguez home run at Fenway Park.

4. The Red Sox got kicked in the gut when Aaron Boone hit his home run in Game 7 of the ALCS and again when he opened up the trade for A-Rod when he injured his knee by playing basketball. How many times have the Red Sox been kicked in the gut as a result of something Aaron Boone has done in the past five months?

5.I have eight tickets to the Friday, Sept. 17 game at Yankee Stadium against the Red Sox. How early will me and seven friends hit a bar before the game?

6. The Yankees are expected to win at least 100 games in 2004, while the Mets are expected to win about 75. Which minor league team is expected to win less?

If you answered at least one out of six questions right, you get an A!

Google AdSense Rejects PK.com for 'Inappropriate Language'

I never tried to profit off this site, but I'm not dumb enough to leave $1,500/month on the table. So my interest was piqued when I came across a webmasters' forum in which a guy claimed to make $50/day off Google's AdSense on his site of 2,000 unique visitors a day. That's about what PaulKatcher.com generates across the board, but all online traffic data is subject to an error of +/- 95%.

The key to AdSense is that not only are the text ads relatively unobtrusive, but are targeted to a page's content. So my individual entry on a certain vacation report would bring in a high per-click rate on flights, hotels and cruises for geriatric travelers. Ticket brokers could advertise on my sports posts, and you can bet your ass I'd write something specific to web hosting, which is a high-priced term, since a sign-up is worth a ton in the long run to the hosting service.

Google makes all potential AdSense carriers apply, and I had to confirm that I'd read all of their Terms and Conditions. In reality, I scanned it for about 30 seconds. So I was a bit surprised when I got this response:

Hello Paul,

Thank you for your interest in Google AdSense. After reviewing your application, our program specialists have found that the website currently associated with your account does not comply with our policies. Therefore, we're unable to accept you into Google AdSense at this time.

We did not approve your application for the reasons listed below. If you are able to resolve these issues, please feel free to reply to this email for reconsideration when you have made the changes.

Issues:

- Inappropriate language

Inappropriate language? This from the company that hosts the largest online porn site (Google Images)? This from the company that could ban "inappropriate" terms from being searched but doesn't (as a default)? This from the company that has me ranked No. 8 for "MILFS" on a search results page that is littered with porn ads? This from the company that on Wednesday night allowed visitors to arrive at PK.com by searching for "competition for best thong ass" and "daisy fuentes bound and gagged?"

Argh. In truth, however, I don't blame Google too much. They're protecting against complaints from advertisers who may not want to be associated with sites tossing out f-bombs or calling Manny Ramirez a stupid ass (which he is).

So it looks like there's still only one sure-fire way to make decent money with a personal site: be a hot chick who sucks off pizza delivery guys while "hubby" takes videos. Then increase your exposure by placing ads on Google's MILFS results page.

Other News Links:

• Bill Clinton is Kerry's Best Vice-Presidential Candidate — An op-ed in Wednesday's New York Times.

• McSupersizes to Be Phased Out — McDonald's will no longer the most popular menu option for pigs.

• Striking Funeral-Home Workers Heckle Mourners — One of the most despicable acts I've ever read about in a supposed civilized society.

• Professor Resigns After Student Undresses in Class — Hey, I would have done it for a guaranteed A, too.

• Jesus Demands Creative Control Over Next Movie — The Onion reports on The Passion of the Christ.

• One-Handed Golfer Sinks 3 Holes in One — I've got him beat on that Tiger Woods video game, though.

• Woman Guilty of Stabbing Husband 193 Times — What was that, like 188 times for good measure? Ugly, ugly story.

Finally, Some Rage Over 'Roids

Not since Pete Rose admitted to having gambled on baseball have I been as shocked as I was Tuesday when the San Francisco Chronicle reported that federal investigators were told that Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi (among others) were distributed steroids by BALCO.

Why wouldn't baseball players take steroids? After all, the Players' Association's collective bargaining agreement basically begs them to do it. According to a report that includes flaky reactions from Bonds' former teammate Jeff Kent, "The penalties for testing positive are soft. The first offense calls for counseling, the second for a 15-day suspension or $10,000 fine. A one-year suspension isn't dealt until the fifth offense."

Barry Bonds' 2003 salary was $15.5 million. Only $15,490,000 to go after the second offense.

How did the Players' Association negotiate a contract with such a lenient stance on steroids? Probably because owners didn't push that issue as much as others that might have saved them money in different areas. Integrity? Fair play? When has that meant more than greenbacks? In Wednesday's Washington Post Tony Kornheiser writes of the immense power the players' union wields. SI.com's Tom Verducci says don't expect changes in the rules till the new collective bargaining agreement comes up in 2006. Health, I guess, is not much of an issue for them.

Should be an interesting battle of power (the feds) vs. power (athletic heroes) in this investigation. We know how that usually works out. Some little guys will get sacrificed, and some lawyers' kids will get a bunch of autographs. I wonder whether anyone will suffer severe consequences for what is basically cheating, something even the blackballed Pete Rose never did.

Other Sports Links:

Marge Schott Dead at 75 — Despite some of the ridiculous things she said over the years, former Reds player Rob Dibble had some kind words for her on ESPN.com. Still the only person I've ever seen really trashed after he died was Howard Cosell. I'm still waiting for someone to say something nice about him.

Fun With Win Shares — An interesting baseball blog focusing on the formula derived by Bill James to measure a player's true contribution to winning ball games.

NY Post Rates Area Athletes — The newspaper releases its annual top-five rankings for Immaturity (Jeremy Shockey), Class (Hideki Matsui), Generosity (Tiki Barber) and more.

Red Sox Nation Raises Terror Alert to Red — A parody sports article from SportsGoons.com.

The Fundamentals of Spring Training — An animated cartoon on how some teams are getting ready for the season.

Top Five Sports Memorabilia of All Time — Joe Concha on some highly sought-after collectibles.

Beat This Caption: Billy Crystal

"Lifelong Yankees fan Billy Crystal reacts to the news that the Red Sox have inked to a three-year deal their new left fielder, Ted Williams' frozen corpse."

(To beat this caption, post a comment below.)

Review: The 2004 Oscars (a.k.a. Hollywood Masturbation)

• Does anyone in Hollywood have a clue how to correctly pronounce Charlize Theron's last name? So far, we've got two options: THER-on and Ther-ON? She was only the runaway favorite for Best Actress and yet Billy Crystal pronounced it two different ways in consecutive sentences. The rest of the interviewers and presenters weren't any more consistent. Jake Delhomme doesn't have the most familiar last name in the world, but we got it right by the Super Bowl, for Christ's sake.

• You know who's under the most pressure of the evening? The dead guys. When they run through the list of the year's deceased, you want to get more than a smattering of applause, with maybe a whistle or two thrown in there. That's why I think the big winners of the evening were Sean Penn, Charlize Theron and John Ritter.

• If you're gonna start a show by selling me on the artistic significance of movies, see if you can make sure no front-row guests wear sunglasses at any point in the evening. (I'm talking about 59-year-old Michael Douglas here.)

• People of color. Anyone see one Sunday night? If this is the Super Bowl of the entertainment industry, shouldn't that be a topic of discussion? Or should we just focus on Naomi Watts' shoes?

• The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King set the record for most Oscars (11) won by a film I will never in my life see.

• How 'bout the different pressure these people are under on the red carpet? Ben Stiller absolutely has to turn even the most banal questions into something witty. That's what people expect. All Nicole Kidman has to do is make sure her necklace is on straight.

• When did Roger Ebert become the skinny one?

• Robin Williams fished for a laugh by threatening to expose his breast. Didn't the "sell by" date on that gag pass like three weeks ago?

• I didn't know whether to feel bad for Sophia Coppola, who seemed so uncomfortable at this Hollywood self-fuckfest, or to celebrate her. God, does she ever go an hour straight without someone asking about her father?

• Bill Murray for Best Actor. Cubs fans lose again. And it's just as much of a surprise.

• When LOTR went 10-for-10, is that about the time the Seabiscuit folks left the room? That was like the Yankees being up eight runs in the ninth. Why was anyone still in their seats and not heading to the parties?

• I was pissed when Billy Zabka lost on out on his Oscar for Live Action Short. I thought I saw him in the crowd, but I wanted to see if he'd thank the Cobra Kai sensei or the dive team instructor from Back to School. New rule: if any cheesy '80s villain gets nominated for an award, he must win.