PaulKatcher.com

In 2004, Look Out for Those Almanac Buyers

If we didn't laugh, we would cry. So let's chuckle at the FBI's latest terrorism alert against almanac carriers.

From the Associated Press..

In a bulletin sent Christmas Eve to about 18,000 police organizations, the FBI said terrorists may use almanacs "to assist with target selection and pre-operational planning."

In the wrong hands, there's no telling what al-Qaeda will do with this information:

• The Republic of Guatemala is 42,042 square miles in area.
• The median age of first marriage for females in the United States was 20.3 in 1960 but soared to 25.3 in 2002.
• Among those born on Dec. 31 was beautician and business executive Elizabeth Arden in 1878.
• One furlong is the equivalent of 660 feet.

And the kicker...

• Titanic tied a record with 11 wins and 14 nominations at the March 23, 1998 Academy Awards.

Also in the News

• Paul Katcher Wins Hardcore Wrestling Title — While going through my referrer logs, I noticed that I defeated some dude named Grant Morgan with a piledriver. Sure beats winning the Softcore Title. (Scroll half-way down page to see what the hell I'm talking about.)

• Web School Teaches Porn Site How-To — Male students are encouraged to study hard, and the final exam is — oh, this is too easy — oral!

• Nebraska Chick Ticketed for Posting Nude Photos Online — The unblurred backdrops gave away her illegal acts of public nudity. And thus, there is only one course of action: move to New York.

• Google Predictions for 2004 — Webheads chime in on what's in store for the red-hot search engine.

• High School Students Stop Estranged Husband's Knife Attack on Teacher — Kick-ass tale of courage and, well, kicking ass. (Thanks, Art)

• The Eight Biggest Tech Flops Ever — Only those who bet on the Red Sox lost more money with more certainty than backers of these ideas.

• NYTimes.com's Most E-mailed Stories of 2003 — A recap of the most viral stories of the year. Launch the annoying slideshows in the right column.

How to Interpret Friendster Profile Photos

Friendster. Like Scott Baio's jock at a Playboy party, everyone's on it. But what's real and what's fake? User searches for George Bush and Michael Jackson certify that there are more liars on Friendster than there empty seats at Shea in October.

Hell, even a few people are pretending to be Scott Baio. And check out these profiles of Broncos running back Clinton Portis and Osama bin Laden. The the world's leading goat fucker laments that he doesn't have many favorite TV shows, saying I can only get an Italian sports station from the satellite dish in my cave :(

It appears the celeb-emulating cut-off point is at cheesy heavy metal. There are no profiles for Don Dokken. Yes, I looked.

As for the regular-folk profiles, I highly recommend The Buttafly Guide to Interpreting Friendster Photos, which sorts out what people want to convey with their closely-cropped, blurred or even hand-drawn pictures... and what those people are really like. Face it, nothing hides the fat like a big-ass close-up of the side of your face. Also check out the witty companion piece, An Ode to Friendster, by Jennifer Bishop Fulwiler.

(BTW, I have a Friendster profile. If you know me and want to link up, conduct a user search using my first and last name and follow the instructions. Mine's all real. I swear.)

Other Web Finds

• MonoBrow — A site dedicated to those sporting one ugly-ass eyebrow. A follow-up to the mullet craze of 2001?

• World's Smallest Political Quiz — See where your views land on the political map. I've taken a few of these and always end up slightly left of center.

• Least Essential Albums of 2003 — The Onion ranks the truly rank, including Randy "Macho Man" Savage's rap debut (which I love, by the way).

• Badmouth Interviews Fark.com's Drew Curtis — A behind-the-scenes look at the wildly popular link site.

• Wikipedia Needs Donations — A request for support from my favorite, free online reference site.

It's 10 p.m. at Neverland. Do You Know Where Your Child Is?

Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
A: They're both 44-year-old meat between 10-year-old buns.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boys-II-Men?
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A: A Michael Jackson slumber party.

Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalogue.

Q: How do you know Michael Jackson is having a party?
A: There are a bunch of tricycles in front of his house.

Q: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
A: He heard boys' pants were half-off.

Q: When is it bed time at Michael Jackson's house?
A: When the big hand is on the little hand.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and a jockey have in common?
A: They both ride three-year-olds.

Q: What's the worst stain to try and remove from a little boy's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's makeup.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is plastic and harmful to children, the other is used to carry groceries.

Q: What does Michael Jackson consider a perfect 10?
A: Two 5-year-olds.

Q: What's brown and in a baby's diaper?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.

Q: What's black and comes in little white cans?
A: Michael Jackson.

Q: Why does Michael Jackson like children so much?
A: He knows how they feel.

Q: Why is Michael Jackson so tough?
A: He can lick any kid on the block.

Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest song?
A: "Don't let your son go down on me."

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson was taken to the emergency room?
A: He was choking on a small bone.

Q: Who's Michael Jackson's favorite poet?
A: Emily Dick in son.

Subway and Atkins Jump on Express to Profits

I knew it was only a matter of time before the sizable Atkins-diet consumer base would inspire restaurants to offer health options that are diabolically opposed to their existing health options. Such is the case with the Subway chain, which Monday will begin selling two low-carb wraps in all of its 16,500 locations. The selections, which contain 11 net carbs, are the Turkey and Bacon Melt Wrap, with Monterey cheddar cheese, and the Chicken Bacon Ranch Wrap, with Swiss cheese.

Sure sounds like it beats the chain's low-fat offerings, such as the 6-inch turkey sub with no cheese, dressing or flavor. But it remains to be seen whether the wrap itself tastes like a carb-heavy tortilla or the front cover of a composition notebook.

Subway shill Jared Fogle has not released an official statement, but experts predict that he will he remain loyal to his six-inch sandwiches. He is also expected to offer his customary three inches when spending time with his wife.

The Atkins phenomenon intrigues me, because not only does it involve issues of health, but money. Big time money. A lot of people got very rich selling pasta, bread and rice, and a lot of people are making a mint on low-carb foods. Don't be surprised if the carbohydrate debate takes on a lot of qualities of a dirty political campaign, as the food industry battles for the hearts, minds and stomachs of the American consumer.

My own Atkins story goes like this:

• Stood 5-11 and weighed 203 on Sept. 17, 2003.

• Weighed in at 182 on Dec. 18, 2003. (For you Mets fans, the difference between 203 and 182 is 21. Also represents about one-third of your team's wins last year.)

• First two weeks were hell, only 20g carbs per day, no booze, head felt as light as Manny Ramirez's.

• Add 5g carbs per week, slowly introducing sauces that make any fish/meat dish taste great. Sometimes drank rum mixed with Diet Coke, the latter of which is supposed to be a no-no, but I showed no ill effects, except I'm not a liquor guy and the rum turned me into Ray Charles with a stuttering problem, so I switched to ... Miller Lite (3.2g) over the low-carb brands (Michelob Ultra, Accel; 2.6g) that taste like backwash left in a hobo's Old Milwaukee.

• Best homemade dish: Chicken cutlets either breaded with Keto crumbs, pan fried in oil and served with vodka sauce and mozzarella or unbreaded with Alfredo sauce and chopped bacon.

• Best restaurant dish: Surf & turf. Pay through the nose, but lose weight eating steak and lobster tail.

• Effects: Feel better, look better (except for the pants falling off my ass; post-holiday sales here we come), down three belt holes, never feel like the bloated floatation device that the combination of beer, rice, bread and pasta induces, get made fun of a lot by people who have never tried it, warned by my mother 1,000 times that I shouldn't do this too long, miss the guy who used to deliver Mexican food to my apartment three times a week. Looking forward to the upcoming low-carb Hershey chocolate bar.

Today's Web Finds:

• George W. Bush's Hotmail Account — Includes e-mails from all his buddies: Rumsfeld, God, even Osama. Looks like he's got a pretty good junk mail filter, too. Where's all his Viagra spam?

• Microsoft Office System Television Advertising — The genuinely funny "Great Moments" ads simultaneously poke fun at sports celebrations and the emotion employees invest in of making even more money for big corporations to whom they're just a tax number.

• Woman in the Ring — The New York Times Sunday magazine remembers Miss Elizabeth of WWF fame, as part of the publication's look back at noteworthy lives that ended in 2003.

• Imodium.com — Being a site designer for a product that plugs internal pipes can't be much fun, so imagine the thrill when the company came up with the "Where will you be when your diarrhea comes back?" campaign.

• Peter North's Movie Credits on IMDB.com — I saw this link yesterday on Fark.com. The long-time porn star has been a very busy boy, with 927 XXX film credits to his name. Hell, that's more than Pam Anderson. He even beats Ron Jeremy (758) with titles like Sodomania: Director's Cut Classics 2, Gluteus to the Maximus, The Adventures of Buck Naked, Sloppy Seconds and Ass Openers 18, which I am sure wasn't as good as the original. Since starring in 1992's The Last Good Sex, North has appeared in 533 films. That's a lot of bad lays, man.

Review: Movin' Out on Broadway

I spent Christmas night in the seventh row at the Richard Rogers Theater seeing a musical that had no spoken roles, only dance routines to a concert of BIlly Joel's music. It was the gayest thing I ever saw. Not that there was anything wrong with it.

Being a holiday show, three of the four main parts were performed by understudies, the pianist/lead vocalist (Darren Holden), Tony (Ian Carney) and Brenda (Karine Plantadit-Bageot). But you don't get to Broadway unless you're Broadway-caliber, and so they were all great, and no one in the audience felt slighted. (Certainly not like when my 10-year high-school reunion was held the day after Thanksgiving 2000, and the New York Athletic Club served us a turkey dinner. Hey, anymore leftovers in the kitchen for us scrubs?)

There show featured many forms of dance — none of which I know the names to — and I really dug the energetic parts. The slower, sappier routines I could have done without. But it was nice when the skirts lifted up on the chicks. What bodies on those broads!

A couple of parts stood out. Once during Angry Young Man when the character of Eddie (John Selya) flipped off the crowd. Most people chuckled, except the seven-year-olds in front of me who looked like they got mooned by Santa. And the Captain Jack routine, which served as the first time simulated oral sex was performed on a guy in a mask while I sat next to my mother. If there was a hole in the floor, I would have pulled a Saddam and buried myself in it.

I won't give away the whole storyline, not because I don't want to spoil it for you, but because I had little idea what was going on. A steel cage match in pro wrestling I get; that dance-fight sequence in Michael Jackson's Beat It video I don't. But I appreciated each scene in Movin' Out because I was awed by the sheer talent it took to perform them, even though I wonder why a bunch of dudes would want to spin around stage with their arms flailing and legs kicking.

In Five Words or Less: Bring Your Uptown Girl Here

Movin' Out Links:

• Movin' Out Official Site — Info about the show, including a song list and cast bios.

• Buy the Soundtrack on Amazon.com — The same CD sells at the show for much more than the $13.99 here.

• NYtheater.com Review — Martin Denton's positive review calls it a cross between Swan Lake, Tommy, Rent and West Side Story.

• CultureVulture.net Review — Gerald Rabkin writes that "dance again is foregrounded as the central conveyer of musical meaning," but forgets to mention the part about the skirts flipping up on the female dancers.

Have a Very Merry Christmas

Happy holidays to everyone who is part of the PK.com readership. It gives me great pleasure to know you derive the same from my hobby — even you Red Sox fans who keep coming back even though you know the next Aaron Boone reference is only a week away.

To those who have been nice this year, I hope Santa treats you well. And for you women who've been naughty, please Instant Message me and let me know when you'll be in town.

In a week, we'll usher in a new year. I'll be posting before then, but it's never to early to measure what's important and what's not. We're a year older than when 2003 began. Here's hoping we're all a year wiser.

Today's Web Finds:

• What a Crappy Present — Why you shouldn't give kids CDs for Christmas.

• Porn Titles For 2003 Movies — It's only a matter of time before Bruce All-Tighty hits the gay porn shops on Christopher Street.

• Top 10 Web Design Mistakes for 2003 — Web usability guru Jakob Nielsen makes like Joan Rivers. His findings are applicable mostly to e-commerce sites because (everybody, now) that's where the money is.

• SmartMoney.com's Tips on Holiday Tipping — I know it's late, but the guy who wrote it is a good friend. He says you should give $10 to $20 to the trash collector. And who the fuck might that be?

• Fark Photoshop Contest: TIME Person of the Year — Some humorous alternatives to the nod that went to the U.S. soldier. Back in 2001, I said to a friend that the only reason Rudy Giuliani was POY over Osama bin Laden was because TIME was looking out for its bottom line. Then he reminded me why the Person of the Year issue exists: to increase the bottom line. At the time, TIME managing editor Jim Kelly said Bin Laden was "too small of a man" to be named POY, and that has proven true.

• Brooke Burke's New Photos in Stuff — And some web exclusives: more ass shots.

You See, There's Joe Horn and Then There's Brett Favre

I'd say that Joe Horn was half the man of Brett Favre, but that would be giving him too much credit. A week after Horn's ultimate display of insubordination (drawing an intentional 15-yard penalty in the first half of a game in which his team had to win to remain playoff-eligible), Brett Favre suited up for his own postseason bubble team and had one of the greatest first halves in the history of NFL quarterbacking. He did this one day after his father died suddenly at age 58.

Horn's end zone search-and-dial was somehow defended as adding color to a pro sports culture that needed it. Could've fooled me. I remember being wowed by Barry Sanders and Steve Young, and they never sold their teammates down the river for a spot on SportsCenter. I would love to see someone pull that shit on a team coached by winners like Bill Parcells or Mike Krzyzewski and return to the sideline without bodyguards.

Unfortunately, the sports punk is here to stay, but you don't have to cheer for them. Sports doesn't need Joe Horn to add interest, because we have Brett Favre. We have Mariano Rivera, whose repertoire includes a nasty cutter but no post-strikeout crotch chop. Tim Duncan was the MVP of two NBA Finals but I don't recall how big his biceps are, because he never did a posedown after a dunk. Think Duncan's boring? Ask Spurs fans if they were bored last June. And Jim Brown sure as shit didn't need to remind anyone how good he was. The bruises spoke for themselves. The great ones don't need props. They earn them.

Other Sports Links:

• Tom Verducci's Hall of Fame Ballot — The SI scribe gives the Cooperstown nod to Paul Molitor, Dennis Eckersley and Jim Rice (stats). Here here. If Rice, who finished among the top five vote-getters for AL MVP six times, doesn't merit induction, then we're gonna have to kick Phil Rizzuto out. And we can't let that happen. (Jim Rice for Hall of Fame website.)

• 2004 NFL Mock Drafts — Time to start thinking about who the Giants will snag with their upcoming top-10 pick. Hopefully not the next Cedric Jones. (Giants draft history.)

• Isiah Thomas Hired as President of Knicks — Wake me up when this nightmare spell is over. It's amazing to think that only a decade ago, the Knicks were the hottest ticket in town, and the playoff series against the Bulls, Pacers and Heat were nothing short of intense drama. Now the Yankees are the only game in town.

• Nicole Richie Expresses Desire to Have Sex With Kobe Bryant — While being interviewed courtside during a Lakers game, the co-star of The Simple Life confirms what we already assumed: that she's a fucking idiot.

Baseball-Reference.com: The MVP of Baseball Sites

It's about time I gave props to the website that serves as a resource for my famously irrefutable baseball arguments such as Sosa couldn't carry Mantle's jock and Jeter's better than his detractors think. That site is baseball-reference.com, the online equivalent of those $40 baseball encyclopedias. Except this one is free, and now it's updated through the 2003 season.

The crown jewel of the site is definitely its player pages, which are instrumental in measuring players, such as the Yankees' newest ace, Kevin Brown. For example, baseball-reference.com tells me Brown was an All-Star in 2003 (his sixth appearance), was second in the NL with a 2.39 ERA and and finished among the NL's top 10 pitchers in runners allowed and strikeouts per nine innings.

The leaderboards rank players in both career and active categories, such as active batting leaders, of which Derek Jeter ranks fifth with a .318 average. Nomar Garciaparra (2) and Manny Ramirez (6) also rank in the top 10, though I hear the Red Sox are trying to get rid of them.

The site also features records for managers, including four-time world champion Joe Torre, league histories and linescores throughout postseason history, including Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS.

The site is invaluable resource for fans of teams with proud histories. And for Mets fans, there's always Internet porn.

Other Sports Links:

• Favre to Play One Day After Father's Death — Now this is a teammate. Someone wanna defend selfish Joe Horn's guaranteed 15-yard penalty to me again? I hope Favre goes out and gives his dad one helluva tribute.

• Namath to ESPN's Kolber: 'I Want to Kiss You' — I guess it's better than "I want to fuck you." Someone explain to me again why women are not in the NFL's broadcast booths but litter the sidelines?

• NY Post's Mushnick apologizes to TCU — The sports grump says he's sorry for writing that Texas Christian University is disingenuous for declining a non-BCS bid for academic reasons.

• Affleck: Yanks Are What's Evil in Sports — One half of Bennifer criticizes a team that's successful, profitable and has more fans than his beloved Red Sox. You know what's really evil? Gigli.

• Parcells a Modern-Day Lombardi — We still love the Tuna in New York. What a miracle worker. A list of best NFL coaches ever has to put Parcells somewhere near Lombardi, Walsh, Noll, Shula and Landry.

• Hicks Sets Tuesday Deadline for A-Rod Trade — I thought there already was a deadline on this thing. Why don't they just put Nomar and Manny on a boat and ship 'em off Boston Harbor?

Howard Stern's 9/11 Broadcast

A lot of people ask me where I find the wealth of links that populate this site. The answer is that I just stumble across them. And so I wasn't actively looking for PK.com material, nor was I an any particular emotional state, when I discovered and downloaded the full Sept. 11, 2001 broadcast of the Howard Stern radio program. I listened to it for almost two full hours.

(You can download the full 56MB .mp3 file from this page.)

The Stern crew experienced a morning like many of us, confusion giving way to disbelief, anger and heartache. Here's a tic-toc of the show, with approximate times listed beginning about two and a quarter hours into the audio file:

2:18:00: Gary interrupts banter about Pam Anderson to report that a plane has hit the World Trade Center. No one hints at the severity of what is to come.

2:19:00: Howard jokes about feeling like Dan Rather, imitating a news anchor throwing it to a correspondent in the field.

2:19:30: Gary wonders out loud if terrorism is a possibility.

2:21:00: Crew resumes its discussion of Pam Anderson.

2:25:00: Just eight minutes after Stern listeners were made aware of the first attack, it's reported that a second plane has crashed into the World Trade Center. Now there is no doubt: this is terrorism.

2:28:00: An angry Stern says, "I can't say it, but I know who it is. They're doing it over here now." He is certain it's a suicide mission by Islamic fundamentalists.

2:29:00: Stern says, "We are at war. But who are we at war with?"

2:31:00: Someone on the line thinks all the "towelheads" should be "thrown out of the country."

2:33:00: A caller interjects a bit about Pam Anderson. His statement is dismissed.

2:34:00: Stern is the first to mention the name Bin Laden. The shock jock is ahead of so many on the thinking curve this morning.

2:59:00: It's reported that a plane has crashed into the Pentagon.

3:09:00: Stern laments that not enough has been done to stop this shit and, in the process, calls France a bunch of "fakes."

3:11:00: Stern tells Robin that her driver is leaving and "doesn't care how she gets home." It's meant to add a shred of levity. No one is really sure whether they should leave anyway. Howard thinks out loud on several occasions about whether he should still be doing the show. The general manager assures him that the show is providing a service for everyone around the country listening through syndication. It's giving callers a chance to talk about it.

3:13:00: Wack Pack member High-Pitch Eric calls in with his reactions. I have to admit I kinda laughed. That voice, man. He always sounds panicked anyway.

3:13:30: The south tower of the World Trade Center collapses.

3:43:00: The north tower of the World Trade Center collapses.

3:44:00: Someone asks, "What have we done to deserve this?"

4:03:00: Howard says that this is different than Vietnam, that he would enlist in a second. A caller says, "I'm right behind you." I am reminded of a similar sentiment expressed by then Mets manager Bobby Valentine.

4:03:30: Gary wonders how he'll explain this to his son.

In between there are erroneous reports about the planes: how many are missing, how big they are, where they left from and where they're headed. The pieces fit now, but the audio file is a historic reminder of how long it took to glue them together, and the emotions we experienced during the mass confusion. It was, of course, the day of the unthinkable. No words on this page capture the human element of 9/11 as accurately as the audio file does.

Also see: Incredibly detailed timeline of 9/11

Songs That Make My Ears Bleed

My recent trip to New Orleans reminded me of the first time I hit the Big Sleazy, when my buddies and I bet on which played-out song we'd hear most often before the week's end. (Brown-Eyed Girl edged out Mustang Sally and Brick House.) Here are some more songs that make me want to scream:

Sweet Caroline: OK, that scene in the movie Beautiful Girls was a charming renaissance for the Neil Diamond hit. That was seven fucking years ago! Throw some dirt on this thing.

Walking on Sunshine: So preposterously upbeat, Katrina and the Waves' contribution to art can only be described as "skipping music." And I don't skip for anyone.

Come on Eileen: A favorite among ugly sorority girls everywhere, Dexy's Midnight Runners can "go toora loora toora loo rye aye" my fucking ass. (Listen to this disaster in MIDI format and try not to puke.)

Last Dance: More like play this Donna Summer disco staple and it'll be the last chance to see me in your bar.

Bohemian Rhapsody: Wanna hear a good joke? I don't get tired of people re-enacting the car scene from Wayne's World. Remember when Axl Rose tried to sing the end of this thing with Elton John at Wembley Stadium in 1992? I think several large animals died as a result of the torture. (Misunderstood lyrics from the song.)

Atlanta Braves' Tomahawk Chop Chant: I don't think it's offensive to Native Americans. I think it's offensive to baseball fans who know Turner Field hosts the least intimidating fans in the game. You'd think after 12 straight division titles and only one World Series championship, they'd give this thing a rest. Turner Field in October? Ooooh, I'm scared.

Jump Around: Clean-up of too-drunk frat-pack dicks in aisle 8.

And my favorite music-related joke:

A Michigan fan and an Ohio State fan are waiting to be executed. The executioner asks the Wolverines fan for his last request. He requests to hear Hail to the Victors one last time. The executioner turns to the Buckeyes fan and asks the same question. Without hesitation the Ohio State fan says, "Shoot me first."

Music Links:

• VH1's Top One-Hit Wonders — Several lists from episodes in such categories as Disco Divas, TV Tunes and Jock Jams.

• AmIRight.com — A database of often misunderstood lyrics and corrections.

Joe Horn's Number: 1-800-ASS-HOLE

Even though I was at the Giants-Saints on Sunday night, I didn't know about Joe Horn's now-infamous phone call till the morning after, when I saw it on SportsCenter. I didn't think about it too much at the time, because I had greater concerns: the friend who was going to sit next to me on two flights was puking in the cab taking us to the airport.

My initial reaction was, Who intentionally draws a 15-yard penalty early in a 17-7 game? You don't have to seek out Mr. Miyagi for the simple answer to that one: a selfish teammate.

My second reaction was, Why didn't the Giants ensure that this punk-ass' next call would come from his hospital bed? The fact that Horn scored two more touchdowns in the game might be the most embarrassing aspect of a most embarrassing Giants season.

My third reaction was, Maybe sports needs classless pricks like Joe Horn. I may not want my team's players to act like that, but it's fun to have someone to root against. I still feel guilty about rooting for Scott Norwood's life to be ruined in Super Bowl XXV. It's too bad he never called his mother after making a field goal. I'd feel a lot better about myself. In short, sports needs villains. Where would the Red Sox be without the hated Yankees to kick their asses every year? They'd be just another crappy team with whiny fans.

How bad were Horn's premeditated actions? To me, no worse than Barry Bonds or Manny Ramirez admiring their home runs or hoopsters posing before running down the court to help teammates on defense. It's all selfish and attention-getting and a personal statement against respectful competition in the company of athletes who prove that you don't have to be a dick to be entertaining or successful. (Anyone ever hear of Dr. J. or Brett Favre?) Not everything has to be as polite as Wimbledon and the Ryder Cup, and it doesn't take a genius to figure out where the line stands between charismatic athlete and punk. Joe Horn is far, far from being a genius, and that was well-known even before Sunday.

Thankfully Joe Horn doesn't call me. I wouldn't want to rely on him for anything.

Joe Horn Reaction:

• Tooting Own Horn Not Kosher to Ickey — The former Bengals running back, whose own end-zone celebration was always considered goofy fun, thinks things are getting out of hand.

• Get on Horn, Millen and Rest of NFL Idiots — Mike Lupica gets some quotes from classy Jets coach Herm Edwards, who says, "Guys have to be smart enough to know that we are, all of us, just a part of the stage in professional football. But none of us is the whole stage. And when people start acting like they are the whole stage, they've made a mistake."

• Shameless Horn Show a Phony Phone Call — Chicago Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti compares Horn's actions to other famous and infamous end-zone celebrations.

• Phil Simms' NFL.com Column — The former Giants quarterback says that those who endorse such actions should "just shut up."

• Gregg Easterbook's Tuesday Morning Quarterback — The columnist asks the same question I did. "Giants, why didn't one of you lay this guy out? When Terrell Owens danced in the big star at Texas Stadium a few years back, George Teague of the Cowboys laid him out. I would have donated to the defense fund of any Giant who laid Horn out on Sunday."

Photos: New Orleans Vacation

Some advice for New York Giants fans. When hitting the road to follow your favorite crappy team, make sure there are 3-for-1 drink specials in the vicinity. It helps ease the pain.

Now don't go getting all your hopes up for the 32 pictures I took during the weekend. If you're looking for examples of debauchery, there really wasn't much to document. With thousands of Giants football fans, combined with the baseball winter meetings and Tuesday's New Orleans Bowl between North Texas and Memphis, the Big Easy looked mostly like the Big Cockfest.

But we had a good time anyway. Bourbon Street is what it is. The locals let you trash their place as long as you keep paying for it. They'll even pretend your drunken behavior is entertaining and unique compared to thousands of other people doing the same thing there every day.

Highlights:
• A baseball general manager telling me at Harrah's craps table at 5:30 a.m. Monday that they're gonna get Greg Maddux. Out of respect for his privacy, I won't mention the team.
• Moving down to the third row of the Superdome after fans fled during one of the least competitive pro football games in history.
• Singing Proud to Be an American in Pat O'Brien's the night after Saddam was captured. I haven't heard a U-S-A chant like that since I saw Sgt. Slaughter beat the Iron Shiek at Madison Square Garden in the '80s.

Lowlights:
• My roommate giving me an early wake-up call Monday by violently throwing up in the bathroom.
• Having to do a late-night shot of rum after a guy in our group ordered eight of them. Who orders shots of rum? None of us know how we held it down.
• Where were all the white women at? Seriously, it was like a 10-1 ratio of guys-girls down there.

PK.com on Vacation

I won't be posting till at least late Monday night, when I hope to have a ton of great pics from our trip to New Orleans to see the Giants-Saints game Sunday night.

We know a ton of New Yorkers and Big Blue backers are going to be patrolling Bourbon street. If you're in that boat, or if you're a PK.com reader from the Bayou, leave a message for me at the Wyndham Riverfront (504-524-8200) and we'll party hearty Friday-Sunday nights. Lucky Dogs for everyone!

Steinbrenner: Don't Bet the House Againts Yanks

It took 30 years, but I finally understand how the other half — OK, the other 90% — feels, having my favorite baseball team lose a player in his prime and get nothing in return. Andy Pettitte is headed to Houston. Andy will be missed in New York, because he was a mainstay in helping us reach six World Series and win four. Most of all, he was one of ours from the start. For all the talk about the Yankees buying championships, we could still kick ass with homegrown players who developed into All-Stars — with Pettitte pitching to Posada, backed up by Derek Jeter, Alfonso Soriano and Bernie Williams, and with Mariano Rivera coming in to shut the door.

I share the sentiments expressed by our royal leader, George M. Steinbrenner III, in a statement Thursday:

"We hate to lose Andy Pettitte. We want to thank him for his many contributions to the New York Yankees and we wish him the best of luck with his new team. He is a fine competitor and a gentleman. We know the fans may be disappointed but if you're counting us out next year, don't bet the house."

Hear, hear, King George, ruler of everything right in baseball. We will miss Andrew. I hope he hurls a perfect game against the Mets in 2004 and pitches again in Yankee Stadium when the World Series returns to its home in October. But if you count us out, you're crazy. Either Gary Sheffield or Vladimir Guerrero will be patrolling right field, instead of Karim Garcia. Tom Gordon is in to help set up for Mariano, replacing a bag of chips. Javier Vazquez, he of the three straight sub-4.00 ERA seasons in the NL, replaces Roger Clemens (who everyone loved to mock during his push to 300, but now is being painted as a stud lost). And lookee here, Dodgers ace Kevin Brown is probably headed to the Bronx. Last season, Brown was 14-9 with a 2.39 ERA, second-best in the NL. Andy Pettitte's ERA was 4.39, and even Boston's Saint Schilling had an ERA of 2.95. If the Red Sox had acquired Brown, ESPN's Sports Guy would be blowing him, too.

Yep, Pettitte is eight years younger than Brown, but the 26-time World Champion New York Yankees don't need to look further than a year or two down the road. We'll just get someone else when Brown is done, just as we did with Clemens. We're still gonna be in the postseason and you're still gonna have to face Brown with Mariano in the wings, with a lineup that includes Soriano, Jeter, Guerrerro/Sheffield, Giambi, Williams, Matsui, Posada and possibly Kenny Lofton.

Your American League champions will be just fine.

Here's a Dick That'll Make You Laugh

Some of the funniest content online can be found at one of the worst websites ever produced, the official site for Andy Dick, a self-proclaimed tri-sexual (he'll try anything) and star of one of my favorite sketch comedy shows ever, The Andy Dick Show.

This site contains complete video of 56 bits that run during the first three seasons of the series. I can't link you to the best ones individually because it was produced in Flash and almost none of the content has a unique URL (smart!). Nothing like sacrificing usability for a cool-looking screen shot for the portfolio.

If you can get the rest of the site to work properly, and god knows I can't on my PC running the ubiquitous Windows XP, you can also check out music from the comedian's band, Andy Dick and the Bitches of the Century. To listen to these clips, you'll have to go through the site's front door and click "pollywog" and then "music." Makes complete sense, right? I really hope no one got paid to produce this disaster. Anyway, if you're looking for the studio version of Cock and Balls, once performed live on The Howard Stern Show, it can be found in pollywog --> music --> two. (I have to stop now; I am getting too pissed off at having to tell you where to click instead of linking to it.)

Other Web Finds:

• George W. Bush "G.I. Joke" Action Figure — A pretty funny rip from Mad magazine.

• Double Occupancy at the Paris Hilton? — Read Jimmy Fallon's interview with Paris Hilton on last week's Saturday Night Live. Upon finding out that there is a real Paris Hilton in France, Fallon said, "I'm a VIP. I may need to go in the back entrance." (Found on Gawker)

• Dallas Station Airs Cowboys Player's Penis — A video clip of a news broadcast that went inside the locker room for reaction after the 'Boys' loss to the Eagles. And what do you know? A naked player walks into the picture.

• Video: Britney Spears Stalked at Beach — A five-minute clip of a guy following the bikini-clad pop diva around. She gets pissed, and rightly so. It's amazing how inhuman people act in front of famous people, either being too reverential or too venomous.

• Download Rare Springsteen Songs — The Boss' fans are a dedicated bunch, and this is a place to "find downloads of unreleased tracks, alternate versions, and live tracks."

Google Parties Like Its 1999

If you're a fan of technology and Internet business, check out Fortune's recent cover story titled "Can Google Grow Up?" It's a flashback to the good ol' days, back when I was attending free launch parties for sites whose names I don't recall — and whose names I didn't even know when I was drinking on their tab.

There's so much optimism these days surrounding the company, which blew away search engine rivals with one now-seemingly-simple formula for calculating relevant results: PageRank. Google's worth is expected to rise to $20 billion when it goes public in spring of 2004. Despite regular 12-hour work days, a thousand people a day apply for jobs there, and 20% of each employee's time is spent interviewing potential hires. Reminds me of my brief stint in the interactive department of the advertising agency J. Walter Thompson in early 2000. Our staff of 25 or so also worked crazy hours, so our boss wrote down 35 open positions on a white board and said, "Help me fill these positions, and you won't be so overworked." When leaving JWT without a job lined up — because who needed one then? — I had to take the phone off the hook so recruiters wouldn't wake me in the morning.

Google is so essential to me that I would seriously pay thousands of dollars a year for its service, including the invaluable Google News, which is little more than a scientific formula applied to an enormous supply of news content — material that the authoring companies spent millions of dollars to produce. Never spend your own money — isn't that the No. 1 rule in business?

The Fortune cover story asks whether Google will be so valuable to me — or to anyone — in the future. A lack of "customer lock-in" means that something better could come along and render it irrelevant, a la Netscape. "Google has a lot of momentum, but its current position is probably not defensible," says an investor.

Other News Links:

• Dean's Campaign Now Gore-Powered — National Review Online contributor Clifford D. May writes that Howard Dean will assuredly be the Democratic nominee for president in 2004 and that "either Al Gore will be asked to be secretary of state in 2004, or Hillary Clinton will be asked to be the Democratic presidential nominee in 2008. It's one or the other, it can't be both."

• Judge Orders Sports Illustrated Writer to Reveal His Sources — A federal judge orders Don Yaeger to reveal his source of information in a story that reported that Alabama football coach Mike Price had sex with two women in a Florida hotel room.

• The Best Stock Picker on Wall Street — My buddy Larry Carrel authors a SmartMoney.com profile of a man who has a record of 75% accuracy for upside moves. Not a bad guy to have dinner with, I assume. Hanging out with Larry ain't too bad, either.

• Flight Attendant Loses Sept. 11 Claim — A woman who changed an assignment that would have led to her death aboard Flight 93 is denied compensation for emotional distress, as an appellate court ruled that nothing happened to her while working that led to her condition, and that off-duty cops and firemen could also seek compensation.

• Gates Assassination Theme of Movie Released Online — A fictional murder of the Microsoft chairman is the theme of a controversial film available online for $5 viewings.

• Tardy Students Ticketed — A Whittier, Calif. school is slapping late-arriving students with $165 tickets. (Thanks to the lovely Shaune Bagwell for the tip.)

• These Sites Are a Shopper's Dream — BusinessWeek's feature on comparison sites that are making money by bringing buyers and merchants together.

• 425 Million-Year-Old Penis Found — If researchers look closely enough, they'll probably find a nearby stash of 425-million-year-old porn.

Nerve.com Seeks New Yorkers to Blog About Their Sex Lives

Nerve.com is looking for six New Yorkers to blog about their experiences using the site's personal ads. Three males and three females, and you can be sure the Real World formula will be observed — one from each gender will be homosexual. Sounds like fun, though I won't send in writing samples for consideration, because my blogging time is already allotted to writing about stuff like Randy Savage's rap album, an appreciation for Randy Savage's deceased ex-wife, and a review of a breakfast documentary starring Classy Freddie Blassie that should have included a cameo from Randy Savage. To give all that up would be a crime.

The project should make for some interesting reading, though. Here are some pros and cons I see with blogging about one's dating life:

Pros:

• Nerve.com attracts a distinct type of individual (pervert) that should make for plenty of dates with spicier endings than rum cake at a coffee house. Have you seen some of the nude photography on that site? What a scam. Hey, I have a digital camera. How come no tattooed Lower East Side hotties are coming over my place to create "art?"

• The blogger should score plenty of dates from people curious to be written about. With eight million people in New York, at least a few want to read about how good they are in bed. Some aren't even named Donald Trump.

• Unlike Blind Date, the blogger gets to craft the only side of the story. For example, say your date gets tired of talking about Randy Savage and walks out of a restaurant without finishing her meal. You can describe it as such: While waiting for the Chalupas to be prepared, we argued vehemently over whether Jimmy Snuka or the Iron Sheik had the most devastating finishing maneuver. But we did agree on one thing: it was time to have sex. So we left for her place, where she called her boss to say she'd be late in the morning and began our own style of freestyle wrestling, with a Cinderella CD playing in the background. Instant bullshit!

Cons:

• If a date doesn't go well, ditching her follow-up e-mails with the usually effective "I'm dead" excuse isn't going to fly when you write about an amorous adventure with an NYU grad student the next week.

• When people at your wedding ask how you met your wife and you say, "She responded to my ad that read, 'Single white male seeks cheap sex.'"

• Some of these chicks have brothers. And some of those brothers have Internet connections.

Deadline for entries is Jan. 9, 2004. Don't miss this amazing opportunity to kiss and tell. Make sure mom has the correct URL so she can read about what her baby is doing in the Big Apple.

Other New York Links:

• Why Peter Luger's Steak Is of Highest Quality — A quick lesson in what makes a great steak. Luger's is one of only three in the country whose steak meets three essential criteria.

• Mr. Hipster Reviews Gray's Papaya — I thought my eight-dog eating performance (twice that of The Fridge!) was something special, but not after reading about the hot-dog throwing exhibition my buddy witnessed.

• New York Publishers Fined Over Clean Ashtray — Health inspectors raided the office of smoker Graydon Carter, editor of Vanity Fair, and came up with the, well, smoking gun. He ain't the only big-shot editor smoking in his office, I can assure you of that.

• Anti-Semitic Attacks in NYC on the Rise — This from a New York Post report: "Since Yom Kippur, four clusters of tire slashings, involving more than 100 cars, have rocked Borough Park and Crown Heights. In Brooklyn alone, Jewish groups counted nine incidents of swastika vandalism since September and 14 synagogue desecrations citywide."

No Way Oklahoma Deserves Its BSC Title Game Bid

Hyman Roth would be disgusted at college football's BCS developments this weekend. The mafia head in The Godfather Part II told an inquisitive Michael Corleone, "this is the business we have chosen," reminding him that one must accept the consequences of the way things work in his industry. And so Oklahoma's drubbing at the hands of Kansas State in Saturday's made-for-TV-and-money Big 12 championship game should have followed the sport's protocol, that late-season losses are devastating, viewed as much more severe than early-season ones incurred by USC and LSU.

I'm not alone in the belief that USC and LSU deserve to play for the national title. An overwhelming majority of voters in both the media and coaches' polls ranked USC at No. 1, and online fan polls reflect that sentiment. But the BSC formula, which takes into account strength of schedule and computer ranking, has graded Oklahoma No. 1, LSU No. 2 and USC No. 3, placing the Sooners and Tigers in the Sugar Bowl, with the winner assured by rule of landing atop the final coaches' poll. The Trojans got jobbed, no doubt.

I have always been in favor of the BCS' endgame, which is to assure a matchup of No. 1 vs. No. 2. This eliminates the problem of required bowl assignments that make such final matchups less likely. A famous recent case occurred during the 1994 season, when undefeated Big Eight champ Nebraska had to play in the Orange Bowl, while undefeated Big Ten champ Penn State was required to play in the Rose Bowl. Both teams won, Nebraska finished atop both polls, and no one knows whether a Nittany Lions team featuring Ki-Jana Carter and Kerry Collins, who finished Nos. 2 and 4, respectively, in the Heisman Trophy voting behind Colorado's Rashaan Salaam, would have fared against the 'Huskers on a neutral field.

Clearly, the BSC formula needs to be reworked. Computers aside, most people in the know are in agreement of who should play for No. 1: the only two remaining one-loss teams that won major conference championships. Instead the Big 12 runner-up gets a shot at a guaranteed No.1 in the coaches' poll. The only solace is that the AP poll has always been more respected and perceived to be less biased, and USC will almost assuredly finish atop that poll should it defeated Big Ten champ Michigan team in what should be a great Rose Bowl.

(Prior to the weekend madness, Hoboken lover Joe Concha contributed to MSNBC.com five ways to improve college football. Next up, five ways to improve MSNBC's horrendous format for his pieces.)

Other Sports Links:

• SI's Sportsmen of the Year: Tim Duncan and David Robinson — Not a bad choice in a lackluster year. It would be a crime if Barry Bonds didn't win it at least once, but I guess they're saving that for when (if?) he breaks Hank Aaron's mark. Consideration also had to have gone to Carmelo Anthony. What hasn't he done magnificently in 2003? He led Syracuse to its first national championship, never lost in the Carrier Dome and is the leading scorer on the first-place Denver Nuggets. That's the FIRST-PLACE DENVER NUGGETS.

• Winter of Our Sox Content — Bill Simmons writes about his hard-on for Curt Schilling and Red Sox management. He might as well put this in a drawer so that he can simply change the names 20 years from now when Boston is still battling the Curse of the Bambino.

• Decision on Pasqualoni's Fate Due by Week's End — The coach who began his head-coaching career at SU by leading the team to 10-2 records in my sophomore and junior seasons may not be back. Syracuse athletic director Jake Crouthamel promises to publicly address the coaching situation at the end of the week. Congrats to Coach P. on leading our boys to a 38-12 romp over Notre Dame. It made me proud to be an Orangeman.

• TCU's Excuse Is a Bowl-Faced Lie — The New York Post's Phil Mushnick says that the Horned Frogs are full of shit by declining a GMAC Bowl bid because the game conflicted with final exams. He cites many examples of when the school scheduled games on school nights.

How to Profit Off the Gena Lee Nolin Sex Tape

Ever wonder how webmasters make money online? Here's one way: link to a "free" celeb porn site that may or may not have an elusive homemade sex video starring former Baywatch babe Gena Lee Nolin. Then rake in $30 for every referred user who gives his credit card info to this "free" celeb porn site.

That's what a number of sites — from GorillaMask.net to BeerOrSex.com to Canorous.com — are doing as the battle is on to position oneself as THE destination for the Gena Lee Nolin sex tape. More like THE profiting middle man.

None of those sites are hosting the video due to legitimate bandwidth concerns, but there's another reason they're all linking to the supposed video host, FamousLadies.com, with distinctive referrer codes in the URL: because for each person who signs up with the "free" celeb destination, the referring site gets $30.

How can a "free" site afford to make $30 payouts per sign-up? Because a credit card is required for the "free" pass and then is charged if the account is not canceled in compliance with their terms and conditions. Some of those payouts are clearly funded by users who forget about the charge or can't figure out how to cancel in time.

Is the Gena Lee Nolin sex video even on FamousLadies.com? I haven't seen a screen grab anywhere. It's not mentioned on FamousLadies.com's home page and GorillaMask.net says, "You'll need to search around after signing up for this site — legally they can't just throw the tape at you." Huh?

If you're a webmaster, maybe you you'd like to jump on the bandwagon. Ten referrers gets you enough to buy an iPod, you know. I'll pass — I already have an iPod.

Hope you enjoyed this lesson on how to make money online.

Other Web Finds:

• Libby Hoeler: The Complete Story — Learn about how a college girl's life was affected after a revengeful boyfriend posted online videos of her masturbating for him.

• Urinating on Walls at Wal-Mart — A letter from a restroom-cleaning service detailing the gross stuff they encounter.

• Click for Cans Charity Drive — Simply click on your favorite NFL team helmet and Chunky Soup will donate one more can of soup to their Tackling Hunger effort.

• Coyote Ugly Gone Wild Tour — A copyright infringement if ever there was one, this (unauthorized, I'm sure) effort combines two unaffiliated brands to create a tour of "the hottest and sexiest interactive crowd pleasing routines" to be performed at your bar or club. This candidate for ugliest site I've ever seen even manages to steal photos and use copyrighted music from Christina Aguilera to further its business initiative. Check it out before a bunch of lawyers do.

Review: Avenue Q on Broadway

I never thought I'd pay $100 to see naked puppets fuck and sing about Internet porn, but that was the deal as I made my triumphant return to Broadway on Thursday night. (And then I rode around Times Square in a tricked out, gold-highlighted hearse with a bar, disco ball and leopard interior. More on that in another post.)

What better gift could I give my newlywed friends than to treat them to a night out with hundreds of other white people to witness perhaps the most universally loved musical comedy not named The Producers? We all found Avenue Q to be one kick-ass block party.

Avenue Q is most like The Muppets with a little bit of Crank Yankers thrown in. There's singing, clowning and, yes, the chugging of Long Island ice teas followed by a sex romp that included a 69. The plot revolves around the main character, Princeton, seeking to learn his purpose in life. The audience learns some, too: that Lucy the Slut is bad news, that green pubic hair on soap is disgusting and that you can't help but help yourself when helping others.

I can't say I was ever in danger of falling out of my seat with laughter, but the show was witty and never dragged, even during the sappy parts. It is, in essence, two love stories: one straight, one gay. Much of the cast played three different roles: as actors, singers and puppeteers. They perform each role flawlessly, and it was nice to be treated to a performance by some greatly talented people. Bravo.

In Five Words or Less: Animal Would Be Proud

Avenue Q Links:

• Avenue Q Audio/Video Samples — Clips from the show's soundtrack, including my favorite song, The Internet Is for Porn.

• Avenue Q Reviews — Read what other media have to say about the show.

Beat This Caption: Black Cat

"The Red Sox have signed to a three-year deal their new closer, BBBB, short for Babe Buckner Bucky Boone."

(To beat this caption, click "Post a Comment" below.)

Meet Jason. He Rings Up $8,000 Tabs in NYC Clubs

Last week, ABC's Primetime Thursday hit Manhattan with 31-year-old Jason (last name withheld), whose final tab on an evening of eating and clubbing came to $7,930.78. Among the charges were $240 portions of Kobe beef (not the L.A. hoopster's penis) and $300 bottles of Grey Goose vodka in VIP sections where the minimum charge is $2,500.

"Here what you are paying for is this show. A ticket to another world. It's a fantasy," Jason says. Uh, OK, if you say so. Paying a lot of money to wonder if anyone really likes your company doesn't sound like a fun fantasy to me, but I'll go with it. I mean, I can hand out $100 bills to any chick who comes to my door and says hello, but would that make me any more popular? Frankly, I don't see how spending $300 so others can drink a $30 bottle of Grey Goose is any different. Why not just give 'em $900 for the bottle and triple the fantasy?

But, I'm glad if Jason's glad. I'm glad New York is big enough for both of us. So, while I don't exactly live in a shoebox or get my checks cashed at Western Union, I'll still take my $3 bottles of Bud Light over his $300 bottles of vodka. And somewhere else in New York, a man is saying, "I could buy that Jason kid 10 times over." This is a really big pond, and we're all small fish. I like that.

Other New York Links:

• Pictures: Pornoween at Club Avalon — Party pics from the old Limelight, where I went after my senior prom. I see some of the Halloween theme. Where's the porn?

• Club CAKE Photos — Racier NYC club photos from CAKE parties, which are "dedicated to giving women (and their male partners) the space to express and experience sexual culture as entertainment."

• The Kicker — Former Gawker editor/writer/whatever Elizabeth Spiers now blogs for New York magazine's website. Expect a lot of posts on Tina Brown and Paris Hilton.

• Building a Web Media Empire on a Daily Dose of Fresh Links — Speaking of Gawker, the New York Times catches up with the Nick Denton, who publishes Gawker and recently launched the porn blog Fleshbot.

• Charles W. Cushman Photograph Collection — Indiana University's terrific collection of one man's 1940s New York photography.

• NYC's Newest Hotel Rooms Start at $600 a Night — These prices are for the recently opened hotel located in the new Time Warner Center in Columbus Circle. Wanna spend one night in the presidential suite? That'll be $12,000, please. (Thanks, Art)

Is it That Bobby Bowden Can't or Won't Control His Players?

I could only shake my head last Saturday when, after its dramatic victory at the University of Florida, Florida State players celebrated by dancing on its opponent's midfield insignia, inciting an ugly brawl and arrogantly carrying a gator head off the field. (Why not just flip off the whole crowd?) It showed me that Seminoles coach Bobby Bowden either doesn't know or doesn't care that his group of 18- to 22-year-old "college students" are unsportsmanlike thugs.

Florida State players have had their share of off-field embarrassment — Chris Rix's "handicapped" parking and missed final exams, Peter Warrick's and Laveranues Coles ' shopping discount and Talman Gardner's gun charge to name a few — but that stuff is on the kids and their upbringing, not their football coach. Within the white lines, however, how those players act are Bowden's and his staff's responsibility.

When interviewed on CBS immediately after the fracas, Bowden said, "I'm sorry that happened." He looked and sounded about as disappointed as someone who'd dropped a French fry. Florida State athletic director Dave Hart says, "Yes, you should celebrate ... but not at the expense of disrespecting the opponent... That's a part of sportsmanship. That's a part of winning with class. We'll make certain that that does not reoccur."

In an interview published Monday in the Tallahassee Democrat, Bowden was asked about the postgame heat:

Have you had a chance to look and analyze what happened in the postgame scuffle?
Bowden: I watched some replays of it, but I can't hardly pin down anything ... I guess, when you've got 160 guys dressed out there and it didn't get any worse than it did, I guess there is some good to it, too. More kids were able to control themselves than didn't. But I haven't spotted what started it.

Can't control 'em or don't care to control 'em. It has to be one or the other.

Maybe Bowden doesn't have to care. As a viewer seeking entertainment, I benefit more from respective teams' reckless dislike than a deep concern for not offending. The players may benefit, too — Ray Lewis proves that a vicious player can perform at superhuman levels. This ain't golf, you know.

But I ain't buying that a football team cannot be controlled within the white lines, that stupid, classless behavior is simply bound to happen with X number of people in uniform. It's called being the boss and having your people follow your rules and understand the consequences when they don't. You'd think that after 28 years at a university, one could command that kind of respect from his players. If, in fact, that's what he wanted.

Other Sports Links:

• Schilling Severely Injured in Ill-Timed Accident — Nah, I'm just kidding. Link goes to My Favorite Yankees page.

• Is Yanks-Sox Rivalry Good for Baseball? — ESPN Page 2's writing roundtable goes at it, highlighted by this most incredible analogy from Robert Lipsyte: "New York-Boston is more like the Cold War rivalry between the United States and the Soviet Union, a psycho-political construct that gave both countries a reason to impose economic and social controls on its people. As it turned out, the Reds were the Red Sox, dogma without bite. Someday, a betrayed people will tear down the Green Monster."

• Notre Dame-Syracuse Winner Could Determine Who Plays for National Title — Saturday's game is just as I'd dreamed: national title implications! For USC and LSU, that is, thanks to a strength-of-schedule component to the BCS ranking. (Did you see Notre Dame's fake punt against Stanford with five minutes left in a game the Irish led by 50? Nice going, assholes.)

• L.A. Dodgers Adult Baseball Camp — Only $4,195 — With so much vacation time coming up, I was researching ideas. How 'bout four grand a week to hang out with dudes and watch them kiss Tommy Lasorda's ass? How 'bout passing me a gun instead?

• Madden 2004 Top 10 Online Teams — If you're gonna kick some ass — and god knows I haven't — take one of these teams. Team rankings have been adjusted online, however, and the Chiefs now have the highest rating. The Cowboys, Panthers and Vikings also got bumped, while the Raiders fell like grandma facing a charge of Wal-Mart shoppers. Oh, and Shockey still has the mullet.

• 2004 NFL Mock Draft — Vince Wilfork is predicted by football.com to go No. 1. Um, never heard of him.