PaulKatcher.com

Bush Declares Protection From Pornography Week ... for Real!

These are heavy times in the ol's U.S. of A. We've got that Iraq mess that won't go away (shoo!), I'm getting like 0.000003% interest on my savings and my all-time No. 1 girl Alyssa Milano was seen "helping Florida Marlins pitcher Carl Pavano celebrate his team's victory" in the World Series over my No. 1 team, the 26-time world champion Yankees.

So what's our president up to? Signing a proclamation that declares Oct. 26 through Nov. 1, 2003 as Protection From Pornography Week. Think I got this link from The Onion? Nope. Try to official White House website.

The proclamation begins by stating, "Pornography can have debilitating effects on communities, marriages, families, and children." Somewhere in the middle it reads, "I call upon public officials, law enforcement officers, parents, and all the people of the United States to observe this week with appropriate programs and activities."

Before you get on Georgie for wanting to abolish images of the same act that allowed him to conceive twin daughters — I mean, he didn't have his eyes closed, right? And he couldn't have been unaffected by the view, right? — this appears to be more of an official condemnation of pornography that involves children, a political maneuver akin to supporting school funding. Who's gonna argue with that?

On the other hand, no politician in his right mind would take a stand against regular porn. Maybe Pat Buchanan, but his greatest electoral achievement occurred when elderly Floridians punched his name by accident.

Other News Links:

• Blogger Fired From Microsoft Over Embarrassing Post — Makes sense to me. Who wants someone on the payroll making fun of them publicly? Keep the jokes and criticism private, like everyone else in the company.

• Green River Killer to Avoid Execution — Gary Leon Ridgway will admit in a plea deal to murdering 42 women, yet the public will pay for his food and shelter for the rest of his life. Let the ethical debates rage.

• Simpsons Creator: Fox News Threatened To Sue Show — Matt Groening said on NPR that FOX News threatened to sue The Simpsons for its parody of the FNC scrawl with headlines that read "Study: 92 percent of Democrats are gay" and "JFK posthumously joins Republican Party." Groening was confident that Rupert Murdoch wouldn't support litigation of one of his companies against ... another of his companies.

• Critics Take Wary View of Shopping Web Link — Media ethicists who probably know dick about the web are criticizing Consumer Reports for placing links to BizRate on the same pages of its product reviews. Let's see, the link facilitates shopping by surveying the latest prices from a host of retailers, while disclosing user-appointed trust ratings when applicable. Unethical? No, just common sense, you stodgy asswipes.

Some Good Stuff in This Week's Sports Illustrated

So what if the cover doesn't bring back the greatest memory in the world. Here are some things that interested me in this week's Sports Illustrated:

• Letters (p. 18): Readers point out the latest edition of the well-documented SI jinx — the regional covers of Kerry Wood and Pedro Martinez published while their teams appeared destined to meet in the World Series. Now, are you gonna blame something like a ridiculous jinx or just chalk it up to Aaron Boone's unstoppable hitting prowess?

Here are links to SI's past baseball preview issues online, with the mag's World Series prediction listed.

• 2003: A's over Diamondbacks. Reality: Marlins over Yankees
• 2002: Yankees over Cardinals. Reality: Angels over Giants
• 2001: Yankees over Cardinals. Reality: Diamondbacks over Yankees
• 2000: Red Sox over Braves. Reality: Yankees over Mets
• 1999: Yankees over Braves Reality: Dead on!

From 1998-2000, SI featured non-Yankees on the cover ot its baseball previews (Mark McGwire, Kevin Brown, Pedro Martinez) and New York won the World Series each time. For the last three seasons, the Yankees have been the cover subject, and New York has not won a World Series. Coincidence? I think not, assholes!

• The Fish That Ate Gotham (p. 21): Steve Rushin's column — the best in the mag, by far — begins with a tid-bit about Yogi Berra leaving Game 6 of the World Series in the eighth inning. "He has evidently gotten over 'It ain't over till it's over,'" writes Rushin. Later in the piece he points out that Marlins manager Jack McKeon "calls Mike Lowell 'Mark' and Ugie Urbina 'Yogi.' Which may explain why Yogi was looking so ... Ugie. After the game all the Yankees looked physically ill."

• Rodman Redux (p. 23): Scorecard leads off with an entire page on Dennis Rodman's stalled NBA comeback and foreshadows an early alcohol-related death for the Worm.

• Go Figure (p. 24): 61-0: Score by which Oliver (Mich.) High girls' basketball team defeated Leslie High, which missed 24 shots and four free throws. Just think, the worst player on the team could have arrived with a broken leg and still bragged at dinner about being the team's leading scorer.

• Q&A With P.Diddy (p. 28): The unintentional humor highlight of the issue comes when Combs is asked about his upcoming charity run in Sunday's New York Marathon:

Question: "You're running in the marathon in part to promote good health for children, and yet McDonald's is one of your main sponsors. What's up with that?"

P. Diddy: "Aw, man. Let's not shut down McDonald's. You've got all those vegans and vegetarians with their gripes. There are health issues with every food. Imagine if we didn't grow up with McDonald's. McDonald's don't kill nobody."

A world without McDonald's? The horror!!!

• Under Review (p. 32): SI's media critic gives Michael Irvin a thumbs-up for his work on ESPN's Sunday NFL Countdown. I couldn't agree more. He brings the voice of the superstar who enjoyed the spotlight but was still a hard-working team player. The difference between Irvin and mouthy Terrell Owens and Warren Sapp: Irvin wasn't a complete asshole.

• Youth Is Served (p. 48): Tom Verducci's World Series cover story, which can be summed in up seven words: Jack McKeon didn't baby his young pitchers.

• Scout's Take on Kobe Bryant (p. 91): Obviously printed before Kobe's heavy criticism of Shaquille O'Neal on Monday, an NBA scout reports that "He's been more outgoing and jovial than ever..."

• King's Corner (p. 94): Peter King says this will be Steve Spurrier's final year in the NFL and that he will return to a Top 20 college program next season. Meet Mr. Rick Pitino of the gridiron.

• What About Bob (p. 102): Rick Reilly lauds Oklahoma football coach Bob Stoops, a real family man who gets to the office later, leaves earlier, wins more often and graduates a higher number of players than his contemporaries. Right on. The Sooners under Stoops are an incredible 10-1 against Top 10 teams.

(If you looking for Halloween content, check out my Halloween 2002 issue, in which I reviewed some of the worst costumes ever.)

Other Sports Links:

• Letters From Red Sox Nation — Letters from more than 2,200 idiots who have nothing better to do than e-mail sportswriters who don't know them, all lamenting the loss of the Red Sox. This is what makes the World Series loss totally worth it.

• De La Salle Shows All Unselfish Play Aids Streak — I don't know what's more astonishing, the Concord, Calif., school's 145-game winning streak in football or the fact that it a played a team from Louisiana last Friday night. What the hell happened to 20-mile bus rides?

• Forum: Photographers Whom Athletes Have Yelled At — Professional photogs share tales of incensed players (Kirk Gibson) and coaches (Bill Parcells) who didn't want that damn camera pointing at them.

• Dr. Z's NFL Power Rankings — The most comprehensive analysis of where NFL teams stand is AFC top-heavy: five of the top seven come from the conference that will supply the Giants' opponent in the Super Bowl.

• Everybody's Doing the Bartman for Halloween — Not long after that fateful night I said the easiest costume would be a Cubs hat and headphones. Now I just gotta get my hands on one of those crummy lids.

• Greatest NBA Rookies of All Time — Wilt Chamberlain tops ESPN's list, followed by the NBA's all-time leading scorer (on the court, that is) Lew Alcindor (later changed his name and cameoed in Airplane!).

Dave Attell's Favorite Tattoo Parlor, Fireworks Superstore and More

Who better to survey the nation's best and most bizarre in late-night America than New York's own Dave Attell? Nobody. That's why Playboy.com has commissioned the Insomniac host to deliver his picks for the Best Trucker Mecca, Best Real-Life Fight Club and Best Naked Karaoke.

Think of the guide as a Fodor's for freaks, including everything from New Orleans's best voodoo temple to Miami's best place to introduce yourself to swinging.

Other Web Finds:

• Befuddle: The Home of Drunk Celebrities — A collection of celeb photos partying down.

• Yahoo! Tech Tuesday: Portable MP3 Players — Yahoo!'s weekly tech special gives the lowdown on MP3 download and player options.

• WhiteHouse.gov's robots.txt file — Peek inside the directory structure of the official website to the most powerful government in the world. It's really just a p.r. site anyway, but I get the feeling a couple of Internet screw-ups are going to at least make for some interesting water-cooler topics come next year's presidential campaigns.

• Free Short Courses in Digital Photography — Easy-to-follow tips and tricks on everything from choosing a camera to shooting nature subjects to selecting the best places to display and share photos.

• Michael Elliott: Boo, Humbug! — TIME's editor-at-large gets all cranky and says Halloween is best left to the kids.

In Cali, Minority Clubs Are OK, Just Not for Caucasians

Last week, I found an interesting San Francisco Chronicle story linked from Anna's PrimalPurge.com blog that detailed the plight of a 15-year-old Lisa McClelland, who lobbied to start a Caucasian Club at her high school, one that already has a Black Student Union, a Latinos Unidos and an ALOHA Club for Asian-Americans.

McClelland's idea for the Caucasian Club didn't fly, and ensuing harassment, she says, has forced her to no longer attend the school. The first rule of Caucasian Club, it seems, is to not talk about Caucasian Club.

I'm not sure what goes on during those other minority club meetings — and if there are no keg stands, I really don't want to be part of it — but I imagine that heritage is not a requirement for membership. An interest in a heritage, I gather, is what's important. That was McClelland's vision of Caucasian Club, but few bought into it.

I guess we'll never know what you'd get as a member of Caucasian Club — perhaps a Martha Stewart Living subscription, an autographed picture of the Three Tenors and a tourist guide to Nantucket — but I do know irony when I see it, and nothing defines that more than a 15-year-old being disallowed to do what other kids of other races and ethnicities can do — all in the name of cultural sensitivity!

Other News Links:

• 450 Women Join Nude Photo Shoot in N.Y. (Pictures Included) — Looks like I picked the wrong time to not walk through Grand Central Terminal — 3 a.m. Sunday. The article refers to the photographer as Spencer Tunick, but you might as well call him god, unless you know someone else who commands, through a megaphone, 450 naked women to do whatever he wants.

• The Best Search Idea Since Google — Slate's Steven Johnson on Amazon's incredible, new book search, in which all pages of 120,000 titles are indexed. See reference of Don Mattingly in Al Franken's Rush Limbaugh Is a Big, Fat Idiot.

• Britney Album Preview: Sex, Sex And More Sex — VH1 previews the The Pride of Louisiana's (I swear I saw a billboard in New Orleans that said that) upcoming album, which promises to feature groovin' beats, catchy choruses and a lot of cleavage shots crossing the AP photo wire.

• 'Price Is Right' Announcer Rod Roddy Dies — This guy's jackets were classic. They looked like a pizza exploded on a disco ball. Unfortunately, Roddy died Monday after suffering from colon and breast cancer.

• Eccentric Millionaire Can't Recall Details of Cutting Up Friend — I'm bad with names, but I think I'd remember cutting up a neighbor with two saws and an ax.

• Wish You Were Here, See You There — Wired reviews There's metaverse, a place where users can interact with 3-D avatars. The challenge for the company: to attract enough users to create an initial buzz, and then look out for the Internet snowball to start speeding downhill. (Flashback: I had an idea in 1996 for a virtual tailgate party, in which users watching TV sports at home could log into areas in which they could chat and interact with other fans watching the game. Pre- and post-game naked Twister games was also part of the plan.)

The '80s: It Gave Us Family Ties ... and Crack!

Everyone is going gag-ga over VH1's retro pop-culture special I Love the '80s Strikes Back, a look back at a what-the-fuck-were-we-thinking decade if ever there was one. And I was more than happy to play my part. Dude, I had the Van Halen 1984 "jersey" t-shirt. And that's the coolest thing I did from 1980-89.

Almost as good as the series itself is VH1's I Love the '80s Strikes Back website. Among the comprehensive photo galleries are biggest '80s nerds (my official ranking: 1. Long Duk Dong; 2. Booger; 3. Danny Tanner; 4. Paul Pfeiffer) and album covers (what, no Stryper?). A glaring omission from the galleries, bordering on criminal: sex symbols.

There's a host of audio clips of break-up songs from such music legends as Mister Mister, Lisa Lisa and Steve Perry Steve Perry. (Ha, tricked you on the last one.) You can also download '80s ringtones for your mobile phone, and if you're lucky enough to have Culture Club go off next to me on a bus, I might shove the phone up your ass.

And finally, you can review all years in the series and decide for yourself which was the greatest embarrassment to mankind. (I nearly pissed in my pants when I watched the panel reflect on 1984's "very special episodes" in which Alex from Family Ties got hooked on speed and Monroe from Too Close for Comfort got sexually assaulted by two women in a van.)

Yeah, the '80s were a mess. Leg warmers, KISS without makeup and, worse, the '86 Mets. Then again, it did bring us Tecmo Bowl and Don Mattingly, so it wasn't all bad.

Other Web Finds:

• Top 1980s Films, as Rated by IMDB.com Users — With hundreds of thousands, and possibly millions, of votes counted, The Empire Strikes Back ties Raiders of the Lost Ark (never saw it) for the top spot. The absence of Hamburger: The Motion Picture is an indictment on the entire list's credibility, however.

• Shoot-it.org — Upload any picture from your computer, then shoot the hell out of it. Here are some Manny Ramirez pictures to practice with. Some may even feature him jogging to first base on a grounder.

• The Drink-o-Meter — A tool that tallies up the number of drinks and how much money you've wasted spent wisely getting liquored up.

• I Did it for Science: The Threesome — Another field experiment by Nerve.com's Grant Stoddard. A great read, as was his study with the Casual Encounters of Craig's List, which, as one can expect, is a carnival of horny guys, phony "girls" and no action.

• Atlantic Shores Resort Webcam — This is supposed to be a cam around the pool area of a clothing-optional pool in Key West, but every time I remember to check it, then sun's already down. Someone please file a daytime report. If you lose your job, I'll send you a PK.com t-shirt.

• When Aaron Boone's Wife Has Been Naked — As most people know by now, Aaron Boone's wife, Laura Cover, was Playboy's Playmate of the Month for November 1998. Don't think for a second that Don Zimmer hasn't been trying to swing one of those wife-swaps, like Yankees teammates Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich did in 1973. Anyway, check out this scarily detailed page of Laura Cover's uncovered magazine appearances, including a Yes/No in three columns: Breasts, Buns and, everyone's favorite, Full Frontal!

And Yet, Still Good Enough to Ruin Red Sox Dreams

Well, it looks like Aura and Mystique have been traded for a couple of Astros and two Braves to be named later. No longer able to turn it up in October, the Yankees — who scored 17 runs in six World Series games, three of them at home — can now only be regarded as just another very good team with a loud crowd.

Because you don't intimidate by swinging at balls above your head (Aaron Boone), a foot outside and low (Alfonso Soriano) or by wondering where in the hell to put your $11 million slugger who hit .250 against the Twins, .231 against the Red Sox and .237 in his first World Series (Jason Giambi).

In March, I bemoaned how people liked to harp on how Syracuse's opponents lost — Hollis Price, T.J. Ford, Nick Collison and Kirk Hinrich all coincidentally having bad games — rather than how the Orangemen won, so it's only fair to give the Marlins credit. So, congratulations, whoever you guys were! (Seriously, what do you think the ratings were for that postgame clubhouse celebration?)

Thankfully, we will always have the night of Thursday, Oct. 16, 2003, and the early morning hours that followed, when Aaron Boone took Tim Wakefield's first offering and trotted around the bases with glee as Yankees fans exulted and Red Sox Nation got kicked in the gut one more time.

Final Thoughts on the Postseason:

It Should Have Been Over Here: Game 4, Yanks lead series 2-1, Aaron Boone up in the 11th inning with the bases loaded and only one out. Mariano Rivera waits in the bullpen to shore up a win and put the Marlins on the brink of elimination. Boone whiffs. Marlins escape, win, then win and win again.

Grady Little's Future: It's almost certain the Red Sox manager will get fired Monday. Really only a formality, and the timing comes after the World Series, instead of during it, as a courtesy to the teams who advanced. The imminent firing makes sense from a business standpoint. A team cannot employ a field manager so despised by its customers. With Don Zimmer retiring as Yankees bench coach, is it time for Grady, a former bench coach in Boston, to take his spot?

Yankees 1998-2000: I don't know if these three-peat teams were ever fully appreciated. We see how hard it is to dominate three series in one postseason, let alone three in three straight postseasons. During those years, the Yankees went 11-2, 11-1 and 11-5 in the playoffs. That's 33-8, a winning percentage of .805. In-fucking-credible. (The Marlins, this postseason, went 11-6.)

Lies and the Lying Red Sox Fans Who Tell Them: When the Red Sox win, it's going to be bigger than all 26 Yankees championships combined, Red Sox fans like to say. Um yeah, and when you find a quarter on the street, you can buy a mansion with it. Pu-leaze. First of all, it's if and not when the Red Sox win, because not only did Boston not claim a World Series title when Ted Williams was in uniform, they haven't won since the Greatest Living Popsicle was 12 days old. Second, Boston fans should know that when the Philadelphia 76ers won the 1967 NBA title, it did not trump the 11 titles won by the Celtics from 1957-69. A Super Bowl title by the Vikings would not trump the championship history by the Packers. Face it Sox fan, since 1918, you are 26 behind, and you're not going to live long enough to catch up.

Full Disclosure: Porn Rock Singer Pink Snow

This week I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Pink Snow, lead singer of Porn Rock, New York's master performers of what they call "an anti-censorship erotic, theatrical, musical, free-expression rock extravaganza." When Porn Rock comes to a club near you, they don't just bring guitars and drums; they bring whipped cream, Twister and more bikinis than in South Beach.

Sometimes those bikinis hit the floor, and then the music really starts to sound good. Here's Pink Snow with even more on the band...

1. What goes on at a typical Porn Rock show?
Heavy guitars, bubble gum choruses, go-go dancing, whipped cream fights, erotic twister and the Passion Wheel. Oh yeah, and did I mention naked girls?

2. Which NYC venues are the most fun for you to play at?
Don Hills, CBGBs and the Pussycat Theater.

3. Do you allow audience members to take pictures during the show?
Yes, unless we state otherwise at a particular event or situation.

4. I found this post from you on an online message board: "Porn Rock was banned to play the Rio Hotel on New Year's Eve after sponsor Kodak pulled the show last minute." Do you think Kodak also rejects any profits it makes from erotic photography?
I am sure Kodak keeps all the profits they make.

5. Think I can get in on one of those on-stage Twister games?
Want to come and play with me big boy?

6. How often does your band play in the New York City area?
Usually once a month, unless like this winter, when we will be recording our full-length album in Scandinavia.

7. Are there any laws Mayor Bloomberg could change that would make for a better Porn Rock show?
I'm not sure, because I usually do everything I want on stage regardless of the law. I express myself in the given manner that I feel on any occasion. I would like to personally invite the Mayor to one of our shows. Perhaps he would like to play Twister?

8. How much of a role does the Internet play in promoting Porn Rock? The Internet has made the difference between us being a local New York City band and being global with a world-wide following.

9. What cities do you most enjoy playing in?
New York City of course, but truly everywhere we play the people are really responsive to the show.

10. In what ways does the audience get to participate at a Porn Rock show?
After reading my answer to the first question, I can only add in almost every way they want. Anyone can get their 15 minutes of fame on our stage. We love audience participation. If a girl wants to strip live for her boyfriend or do a Shakespeare monologue, as long as it's done erotically, we are glad to have it! Or maybe someone wants to spin the Passion Wheel or play dirty dice. Who knows what will happen then?

11. Do you think this country has too many hang-ups about sex? Have you found other places to be more sexually liberating?
Yes. I love this country, especially after traveling all around the world and seeing what liberty we have, but after studying constitutional law, I am a big advocate of first amendment rights, and sometimes our hang-ups about sex cause repression of artistic self-expression. Europe is much more open in its attitude towards sex.

12. Do you give a shit if people don't really care about your music?
We know people come for the show but they always later want the music. How can you not care about songs called Ice Cream, 38D and Pink Inside? If you like sex then you'll like the music. In fact, our EP can be obtained on our website or at CDbaby.com.

Paul's Recap: If all this sounds pretty good — Passion Wheel, dirty dice, stripping — you should check out Porn Rock at New York's Pussycat Lounge on Nov. 14. That's a Friday night, so you can experience orgasmic rock or stay at home to watch Reba McEntire's sitcom. Your choice!

Review: Barenaked Ladies at Hammerstein Ballroom

The only band I've heard of with a more clever name than Barenaked Ladies was advertised to me in a Syracuse bar window. Tonight — Free Barbecue! screamed the promo. Alas, it was an ad for music and not meat, and so it is with Barenaked Ladies.

BNL is among my top three music acts. My iPod could survive on them, Bruce Springsteen and Third Eye Blind alone. So with almost no reservations, I paid real, American cash for the new Barenaked Ladies album, Everything to Everyone, which was released Tuesday. I did this after perusing Kazaa — for research purposes — to see what may be available free. And I am pleased (not really) to report that music companies are wising up to an idea I had three years ago: flood the peer-to-peer networks with bogus songs named the same as legitimate album tracks. (Though to not release singles goes against the point of singles in the first place and shows the boneheadedness of said record companies.)

I'd put Barenaked Ladies in the same live music category as Elton John. They're both terrifically talented but have little chance to rouse a large crowd, especially considering their propensity to attract conservative preppies. But that's pop music and not rock music, and it also means their (relatively) harder tunes are going to work better live even if they're not their "best" songs.

I left the show 2/3 of the way through to catch the rest of Game 4 of the World Series. (The Yanks let Jeff Weaver on the plane to Miami?) I split during the band's Q&A session with the crowd, a charming idea that grew a bit tedious, as did most of the band's chatter between songs. Musically, though, I thought they were first-rate.

Another thing that links BNL to Elton John — and even Bruce Springsteen, U2 and Bon Jovi — is white people. I have seen those acts a total of eight times. Figure 300,000 people combined, and I have yet to see one black concert-goer among them. I don't know if that's right, wrong or anyone's fault. But it's gotta say something. And I continue to notice that demographic breakdown when I attend concerts in what is supposed to be one of the most diverse cities in the most diverse country in the world. Few things, it is clear to me, polarizes society like musical taste.

Review: Madden 2004 for Playstation2 Online

A few weeks ago, I reviewed Madden 2004 for Playstation2 and did not hide from the fact that I am to football gaming what John Madden is to the Nutcracker. Tuesday night I hooked my DSL connection into my PS2 and took my act online. I should have quit while I was ahead.

After logging into the online lobby, I ducked into the Beginner Room, sure to be populated with novices like me, whose idea of a close game against the computer is the 1993 Cowboys against the Barcelona Dragons. On display were not only the fellow gamers' screen names but their connection speed, "quit" rate, ratio of rushing to passing yards and, most important to me, record. I wasn't about to challenge anyone sporting a 65-10 mark.

Being a newbie, I targeted another virgin to challenge: TheCremator4. His screen name's association with death didn't frighten me as much as the fact that three other people already registered TheCremator. My screen name is "Paul Katcher," which I believe you can add to your PS2 online buddy list and challenge me to a game any time you're in the mood to set scoring records.

The connection between me and TheCremator4 failed, but my disappointment faded when I zeroed in on a guy — and I can say with almost certainty that all these people are guys — with a 0-1 record. Better still, his final score was 115-6. I was already planning my touchdown dance. Alas, our connection failed, too. Finally, I challenged another member who had yet to play online. I didn't know at the time that he'd played 1,000 games offline.

He suited up the Titans, while I hosted with my beloved Giants, they of the special teams that play like the Special Olympics. Things got off to a decent start as, after a stalled drive, my punt buried him at his 5-yard line. On the next play, his first on offense, he completed a 30-yard pass along the right sideline. That was the best thing that happened to me.

Folks, it was ugly: three INTs for Kerry Collins, six TDs for Steve McNair, one offense that could do nothing (mine) and one that couldn't be stopped (him). When I lined up for that 47-yard field goal with 0:03 left in the game, however, I was ready to celebrate. Oh, it wouldn't have meant victory in the traditional sense, but I would have been thrilled to get a final jab against my opponent, who tiptoed the end zone horizontally many times.

Wide left. 70-0.

Better Luck With Golf? Before popping in Madden, I tried out the online version of Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2004, a game in which I'd classify myself as "expert." No need for beginner rooms there. This time, I was challenged by someone looking for a match play game, back nine only at Bethpage Black. He hit his shots like his backyard is Bethpage Black. I lost, 3 and 1, a pitiful score for nine holes.

In Five Words of Less: Bring 'A' Game or Lose

Get Ready for the Return of Long Duk Dong

No, he's not retarded, but the man who dressed in a red argyle sweater, tan trousers and red shoes is returning to the silver screen. That's right, the upcoming film 32 Candles will update the lives of Long Duk Dong, Samantha Baker, Farmer Ted and the rest of the social misfits from the 1984 cult classic Sixteen Candles.

Sixteen Candles, you may recall, is best known as being one of a million '80s films in which the biggest dweeb in school manages to snag the coolest, previously unapproachable love interest: Does Karate Kid, Revenge of the Nerds, Back to School or Can't Buy Me Love Come to mind?

Hollywood has long regarded Gedde Watanabe, who played the Donger, as the greatest nerd actor in movie history. (See interview in Asian Week magazine.) He had his sexy, American girlfriend, all right, but Long Duk Dong made Eugene from Grease look like the Fonz.

I can't wait to see what the Donger is up to these days. I hope he's getting the food he needs and that his wanky is not over-yankied. (Speaking of Yankees, did you see that series against the Red Sox? I'll have to write about that some day.)

What do you think happened to the cast of Sixteen Candles?

• Memorable Quotes From Sixteen Candles

Other News Links:

• French Judge Investigated for Masturbating During Lawyer's Argument — This one is great. A judge whacked off for several minutes while listening to a female lawyer addressing the court. I used to wonder why Judge Wapner always looked so happy.

• Unexpectant Mom Shocked by Birth — She carried around a baby boy for nine months and had no idea. No report on how fat this lady is, but I'm guessing at least three bills.

• Wisconsin Man Sinks Hole-in-One, Bowls 300 in 24 Hours — This 74-year-old guy must be the second coming of Curt "Mr. Perfect." Henning.

Doc: More Than 11 Hours of Porn Weekly Is 'Problematic'

No less of an authority on erotic entertainment than New York magazine features a cover story on "Generation XXX," which it ascertains is becoming more and more obsessed with online pornography. Since I have never seen a naked woman on the Internet, it was quite an enlightening read for me.

My favorite part was a quote from psychologist David Marcus, who says, "Our research has shown that if you spend more than eleven hours a week looking at Internet pornography, then it is starting to become problematic."

Boy, I'll say. If you can't get off in less than 90 minutes a day, you're looking at the wrong sites. I mean, that's what I hear.

I've linked to porn studies from mainstream media before, and New York does a little better job than the others, which too often can be summed up in two words: sex sells. Here they claim that the accessibility of online porn facilitates a sort of addiction and negatively affects real-life relationships.

What I'd like to see is a good write-up on how the sex trade always leads as technology evolves, whether it be making websites profitable, optimizing sites for search engines, delivering multimedia and even crafting spam. I guarantee you tech staffs at Google and Hotmail keep close tabs on porn sites that are always looking to cheat their way to a high page rank or past spam blockers. For them, 11 hours a week is not going to be enough.

Other News Links:

• Is Wal-Mart Too Powerful? — Business Week concludes that "Wal-Mart's dominance creates problems — for suppliers, workers, communities, and even American culture." Here's a fact for you: I have never shopped in one.

• I Appreciate The Muppets On A Much Deeper Level Than You — An editorial in The Onion.

• Study: Fellatio Reduces Risk of Breast Cancer — It's time we all banded together to rid the world of this dreaded disease. Gotta start going to the parties after the annual Central Park fund-raising walks.

• Britney Tears Off Tank Top in Three NYC Clubs — Part of some MTV work, and reports are that security got a little rough with photographers. I would guess, though, that the DJ announced that no pics were allowed.

Aaron Boone's High School Yearbook on eBay

Surely there is no better time to clean out your sports memorabilia collection of Aaron Boone items than right now. I am reminded of when Dale Earnhardt died and the Canadian skaters were awarded that gold medal. eBay was flooded with related items and everything was selling.

For Boone, it appears no different. An autographed Boone ball is going for around $100 (when factoring shipping). That's 4-5x what you could have picked one up for at a a card show I attended in August. And 4x-5x more than what you could get it for in two months. Plaques commemorating his home run are on the market, with a Buy It Now option of $50. And, of course, no Curse of the Bambino collection is complete without a copy of Aaron Boone's 1991 high school yearbook, at only $20 but with a full six days to go.

(See all Aaron Boone-related items on eBay.)

In comparison to Boone, a ball autographed by Grady Little is at only $6.99 with a day left — possibly the amount of time Little has left as manager of the Red Sox. You can get your very own Cowboy Up poster for only $2 (with six days left). And if you're crass enough to wear things making fun of an event that drove an elderly man to tears of regret, you can sport a Pedro-Zimmer "Smackdown" t-shirt. (And then you can suck my dick and remember who won the series.)

No items come up for a search of "Dent + Boone," though entrepreneurs can do worse than to link those home runs in a poster. Tell what time it is (Curse Time!) with your very own Babe Ruth gold watch. And laugh your ass off at these phantom 2003 Red Sox World Series tickets. (Phantom tickets are a legitimate sports collectible, as teams must print them well in advance of previous game outcomes.)

Other Sports Links:

• Bob Ryan's Sunday Globe Column — Ryan takes you inside you post-Game 7 press conference, in which the media had no questions for Grady Little. The room was speechless.

• Kurt Snibbe's Championship Series Sportoon — Another witty edition of the daily cartoon. My favorite part: the Babe (if only because I had already written a headline about the Marlins' wait being over).

• Nettles/Gossage Bash Manny/Pedro — The Game 3 stuff is so old, but if you haven't read what Graig and the Goose have to say about the current Red Sox, you're in for a treat. "You want to bring a bat to the mound? Let him try," Gossage said. "Ramirez might've gotten one of us (pitchers), but he wouldn't have gotten all 10. You wouldn't have seen him the rest of the series, I promise you, because we would've put him in the hospital."

• Six Stats the NFL Needs — The Football Outsiders lament on the lack of league-issued stats on individual penalties and playing time, among other interesting data.

• Mushnick: Selig Should Have Had Bartman's Back — The New York Post columnist says the commish should have come out and publicly defended the Cubs fan who clearly didn't intend to hurt his own team. Moises Alou had to class to back him, so where was ol' Bud while this publish backlash was brewing?

My Favorite Sports Victories Ever

(My original post-ALCS write-up was written around 5 a.m. Friday morning after the most emotional game of my life as a sports fan. Visits to five bars — during which I downed 12 drinks plus three shots — explains the incoherence.)

Here's a round-up of my favorite sports victories and the toughest defeats. Feel free to post a comment with your memories.

GREATEST VICTORIES

1. Aaron Boone Plays Babe Ruth: The intensity during Mariano Rivera's dramatic relief appearance in Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS finally cracked me. I thought of how my dad would have laughed at me for caring so damn much, as I was grabbing my heart like Fred Sanford half the series. Somehow I managed to laugh about it all. But the guy in the Yankees jersey next to me tapped me on the shoulder and reminded me that we needed to focus. He pointed at the screen and ordered me to regroup. After we won, I hugged him. I hugged everyone. I have yet to talk to a Yankees or Red Sox fan who did not admit to being 100% drained even before the series ended. We all couldn't wait for it to be over.

2. Giants Win Super Bowl XXV: I was 17, and Syracuse University's significant population of Western New Yorkers and students from cities that hate anything NYC-related generated a lot of support for the Bills. I fought back tears when Scott Norwood lined up his 47-yarder. Wide right. And the plot for Ace Ventura: Pet Detective was born.

3. Yanks Win Game 2 of 1995 ALDS: Jim Leyritz's 15th-inning home run was hit in the early morning rain. I was there. I've never seen a home crowd so juiced. Yankee fans back then were not spoiled, just hungry. Before Game 1, which I also attended, the Stadium was packed well before game time and Mattingly was given a standing ovation during his pre-game stretch. His home run in Game 2 brought the house down. Gary Thorne called it as such: "Hold onto the roof!"

4. Syracuse Wins 2003 Basketball National Championship: Never thought I'd see it. Still can't believe it. I'm sure I missed one helluva party on Marshall Street.

TOUGHEST LOSSES

1. Yanks Lose 2001 World Series in Walkoff Fashion: Really wanted this one because the city had been through so much less than two months earlier. All that talk about a new world, about things not being what they seemed, it would have been nice to think at least we still have the world champion Yankees. I understand the frivolity of sports, but the Yankees are so much a part of New York history, not just sports history.

2. Syracuse Falls Three Yards Short to Miami: I applied to a basketball school, but by junior year it was the football team that was making most headlines. The loudest I have ever heard a football stadium came on Nov. 21, 1992. No. 6 Syracuse hosting No. 1 Miami, the undefeated defending national champions, for the Big East title. I bought air horns at a boating supply company the night before, but you could barely hear them in the Carrier Dome. On the game's final play, with SU down 16-10, All-America tight end Chris Gedney caught a Marvin Graves pass over the middle and was knocked down at the 3-yard line. Game over. I had never been so drained.

3. Mariners Beat Yanks in 1995 ALDS: What a heavyweight match. I feared Ken Griffey Jr. more than any batter before or since. (Bonds has played just one series against the Yanks.) He hit five home runs in the five-game series. Hard to believe the Mariners have never been to World Series. Harder still to believe the fate of Griffey the last three years. This was a guy who had at least 48 HRs, 134 RBIs and 120 runs in each of four straight seasons.

4. Charles Smith Fails to Put Back the Bulls, 1993: It seemed like everyone in the Garden but the ball boy blocked Smith's putback attempts in the finals seconds of Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Finals. The Knicks had home-court advantage in the series and lost it right there. They would never defeat Jordan in a playoff series.

Hell. It's Still Hotter Than Shit

I didn't see Aaron Boone's ball land. I told my buddies that if we (The Yanks!) won in walk-off fashion that I would run out of Jake's Dilemma (82 Street and Amsterdam) out into the streets of New York ... in the awaiting arms of the overspill from Brother Jimmy's, Gin Mill and McAleers.

When Boone connected, I placed down my beer at the door of Jake's, hoised the smoking-hot chick who was, well, smoking outside, lifted her up 10 times, and leaped in front of the door at Jimmy's. Dustin Hoffman was long gone. Yeah, he was there, in the same dump in which I saw Dave Attell last year. I did my victory dance so fast that I was back inside Jake's Dilemma — with my beer — when Boone's shot landed. It was the most dramatic moment to the most amazing, tenuous sports series I'd ever seen.

Hell freezing over for the Cubs and Red Sox? How 'bout monumental collapses for both?

Boone's shot was the ending to the greatest sporting event I ever saw. Ten years ago, I would have said a Syracuse national title would have been most perfect, but we won it this year with a rent-a-player (Carmelo Anthony) and who knows how good we (Syracuse — National Champs!) would have been if Carmelo went to the NBA, like so many of his contemporaries? Whatever, let's get back to the baseball game.

And I stress baseball. That was unique drama, folks. Stomach up the throat, only to be relieved when a third out was recorded. Till Boone. Inning upon inning upon inning. And then this...

Guy in Millar jersey walking down Broadway: Can you believe we lost?

Me: What do you mean we lost? WE WON!!!!

... Then the guy said something about Jews, after which I thought about my late, great dad, whom a neighbor once regretted sponsoring for the New York Athletic Club membership because "Jews have their own clubs." Cunt bitch (now dead, and good riddance.).

When Boone hit the homer I wondered if it was the greatest ending to a sporting event in which my favorite team won. The 1990-91 Giants are a close second. I broke a fellow student's glasses when I sprinted down the hall in college and jumped on him after the G-Men's Super Bowl berth. I almost cried when Scott Norwood lined up for that fateful kick.

But this was the kicker. Stomach in my throat the whole week. Teams as even as you can imagine. But the Yanks won. Hey, they won! I had a whole song planned for this night, but we're all so spent. Red Sox, Yankees. Let's just celebrate baseball. As long as the Yanks still win.

The Wait Is Over for Marlins Fans!

During the entire NLCS between the Cubs and Marlins, all I could think about were those poor fans. The waiting, the suffering. How South Floridians have been able to withstand six long years of not winning the World Series is beyond me. But the wait is finally over, Miami. For the first time since 1997, the Marlins are back in the World Series!

Everyone's gonna look for someone to blame for the Cubs' collapse, up there with the most dramatic of all time, considering the circumstances. How 'bout blaming the Marlins for knocking the shit out of the ball in Games 6 and 7? And you can stop blaming the guy in the headphones, because the umps sure didn't tag him for breaking any rules. (Big ups to Moises Alou, who had the class to stick up for the kid and tell it like it was: he would have caught the ball, but it didn't cost the Cubs eight runs.)

I thought Cubs-Marlins was one of the best playoffs series I have ever seen in what is shaping up as one of the greatest postseasons ever. Somehow it managed to combine dominating pitching with home run records and some speedy mo-fo's. Not only that, it featured one of the great ironies in all of sports: Cubs fans bragging to have lifted three starters from the Pittsburgh Pirates! Who ya' gonna fleece next year, the Devil Rays?

Everyone's been asking me, Why aren't you writing about Yanks-Red Sox? Let me tell you something ... I can't. I'm so nervous that every game I think I'm gonna throw up on myself.

Some quick playoffs thoughts:

Cowboy Up? What were the rejected slogans? All aboard? Hi-Ho Silver? Anchors Aweigh?

Manny Being Manny: Ramirez, who was laughing in the dugout after striking out in the ninth inning of Game 5, could do worse than watch Trot Nixon for tips on being a professional. Nixon's ninth-inning home run in Game 6 was a game-clincher, but he didn't walk halfway to first or point in anyone's dugout. He just cruised around the bases like he's done before. I was also impressed when Jorge Posada did not come out for a curtain call — an almost universal practice at home for the Yanks — after his home run in Game 6. Like Nixon, he knew there was still work to be done.

Game 7: Pedro vs. Rocket: In his final season, Clemens is pitching to extend his career at least one more start. Can this game possibly have any more drama? Is this the most anticipated non-World Series game ever?

Billy Corgan's Take Me Out to the Ball Game: His Game 7, Inning 7 rendition came after a Marlin was thrown out at third trying to stretch a two-run double that set the Cubs back four runs. OK, who's ready for a sing-a-long?!

Scalped Tickets at Wrigley: What did the crappy seats go for, $300 a pop? Bet an iPod sounds better right about now, though getting kicked in the nuts two nights in a row has gotta be worth something.

FOX: Really enjoyed Al Leiter's commentary. Really don't feel sorry for them taking a hit with the World Series ratings — do you think anyone in Chicago is gonna watch? — when they spend half their promo time plugging a show about duping women.

Full Disclosure: Playboy Playmate Donna Perry

Despite it being the year I earned my degree from the Harvard of Central New York (Syracuse University), 1994 wasn't the greatest of times. O.J. went from running in airports to running to airports ... while his ex-wife lay dead at the hands of a yet-unknown killer. Other major events that year: Susan Smith drowning her babies and Pat Riley allowing John Starks to shoot (and shoot!) and miss (and miss!) against the Rockets in the NBA Finals. Oh, and the Yankees got robbed of a World Series because MLB owners — who obviously own the entire league — prevented themselves from staging a World Series. (Genius!)

Among 1994's dark clouds, however, was a significant silver lining, and it came packaged in a 5-11 frame. Donna Perry got naked for the world as Playboy's November 1994 Playmate.

Since then, the Hawaii resident has participated in numerous Playboy projects and launched her official website, titled DonnaPerry.com. I recently had the chance to ask Donna about her modeling career and her Internet interests...

1. What were your goals for DonnaPerry.com when you started it, and how's it been going so far?
At first I wasn't sure. All the other girls were doing it and I thought why not?! I'ts not like they were jumping off bridges! Now it's like extra credit, it is something I have fun doing.

2. Your site has a pay model. What are the costs and what are the member benefits, besides a whole lot of masturbation?
It's $14.95 per month and, if you keep your membership, it is $12.95. You get to see everything, and I mean everything =}. I have me, of course, and some "Girlfriends." I have a few candids that I need to update, a menu of recipes that I have made up for those who, like me, enjoy cooking, a puzzle, some artwork, a messageboard ... you get the idea.

3. Are you hands-on with the site, or is most of work done for you?
Hands on. Though I couldn't have done it without my webmaster, Kana!

4. Are you a 'Net junkie in general? What are some of your favorite sites?
I don't surf much, but I have been known to check some out when one has been pointed out to me ... such as PaulKatcher.com.

5. Besides the November 1994 centerfold shoot, what other work have you done for Playboy?
August 1994 Models of Milan. I was in a Ferrari, a video box cover for one of the sexy lingerie movies and a video titled Hot Vacations: Wet and Wild. Not to mention all the travel I have done.

6. After your centerfold and appearances in Playboy's special issues and videos, were you often recognized on the street?
Only once. It was in Australia.

7. In your online bio, you say that working for Playboy has been a great experience and that you have no regrets. Did any situations come up where your Playboy work was not seen in such positive light?
Men's Fitness magazine was interested in using me after they saw my comp card, but when the November 1994 issue hit the stands it was, "that's okay, we've seen her body ... all of it."

8. Who has the longest running streak of consecutive Playboy party appearances, Scott Baio or Bill Maher?
I think they are about tied, though Bill is pushing for a win.

9. Is Hef really as irresistible as his reputation indicates?
He's very charming and a perfect gentleman but not irresistible, at least to me.

10. Is (or was) posing nude for you all about money, or did you get something out of it emotionally/spiritually?
Well, the money was good — I won't lie about that — but I did it because I was always the girl without a date in school. No boyfriend. Nothing. Don't worry I caught up! =} So when they asked me about it I was like hell yeah!

11. Did posing for Playboy and being part of the magazine's culture change any of your thoughts on sexuality?
Not sexuality — was doing fine in that department =} — but it did change my thoughts on stereotypes that people put on "nude models."

12. What's next for DonnaPerry.com, and are there any other Internet projects on the horizon for you?
Not too sure. Hope to get some feedback from fans and people right here! =} Thanks, Paul! It was great for me; hope the same for you!

Paul's Recap: Thanks to Donna for answering a few questions on two of my favorite topics: the Internet and the beautiful women who make it great. And by the powers vested in me, I now command you to pay a visit to DonnaPerry.com and see what lies beneath. My suggestion would be to not visit the site from your office, unless your company either: a) welcomes viewing of nude models; or b) offers a really great severance.

You might also be interested in seeing VH1's Centerfold Babylon, which airs Thursday, Oct. 16 at 9 p.m. ET. The show promises to "undress the nude modeling industry." (Thanks to Art for the link.)

Want to be interviewed for a future installment of Full Disclosure? Just e-mail paul@paulkatcher.com.

What It's Like to Jump Off the Golden Gate Bridge

There's a compelling piece of journalism in The New Yorker this week titled Letter From California: Jumpers, which examines the long-running allure of San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge in the eyes of those wishing to end their lives.

(Don't read anything into this post, I'm totally fine.)

The facts in the story are simply staggering:
• Every two weeks, on average, someone leaps from the Golden Gate Bridge
• Impact comes at 75 m.p.h.
• Resulting injuries are "as if someone took an eggbeater to the organs"
• Jumpers who crash straight into the water plunge too deep to emerge alive
• There are rare survivors

Despite the carnage, citizens and politicians of San Francisco have long opposed the construction of an anti-suicide barrier, perhaps giving something to those who otherwise feel empty. Statistics show, however, that potential jumpers who have been coaxed off the bridge do not later kill themselves via some other means.

Other Web Finds:

• ApeChild.com's Audio/Video Gallery — Check out the guy falling off the ladder being sold on QVC and the Tech TV blooper in which a guy introduces a one-of-a-kind item and then accidentally smashes it to bits.

• Cult Sirens — Bios and pics of hot chicks in (mostly) bad movies, including the 6-1 Julie Strain.

• The CyberJournalist List — A directory of blogs maintained by journalists, either for their employers (Mickey Kaus' blog on Slate) or themselves (AndrewSullivan.com).

• Stuff's 39th and Sixth Finals — I thought this was supposed to be a beauty contest of broads who walked down the street in midtown NYC. Instead we've got four chicks from California and none from New York. What the fuck, man?

• Gangs on the Internet — A directory websites maintained by future prisoners of America. Before you visit, brush up on your gang slang.

I'll Never Miss Another Mondo Porno Party

A few weeks ago, I found out about a "Mondo Porno A-Go-Go" party at the rock club Arlene Grocery in downtown Manhattan.On the bill were The Orgasmabots, The Sex Slaves and Porn Rock, who'd I'd seen open for a KISS tribute band last year. I remember that night, because it was the only time I'd seen a chick sing topless in a thong while a couple of fillies stripped naked next to her — as the audience took as many photos as it liked.

I didn't know about the show till that morning, and I didn't attend due to the short notice — and because none of my good-for-nothing-friends replied to my e-mail that said BEER, ROCK MUSIC AND NAKED CHICKS TONIGHT! Next time I'll try to be more clear.

Anyway, I thought it would be selfish of me to not share this link to photos from Mondo Porno A-Go-Go. Yeah, there's naked people in there, but you're old enough, right? And it's more than just gratuitous nudity. It's New York, man. It's real.

Other New York Links:

• Village Voice's Best of New York Issue — The liberal paper on the city's best places to throw up, best subway buskers, best peep shows and more in such categories as leisure, drinks, food and music.

• Eddie Layton Playing His Final Notes — Layton, the Yankee Stadium organist since 1967, is retiring after 37 years. In his late 70s and, in his own words, "approaching middle-age," recounts when George Steinbrenner tickled the Stadium organ ivories and asked for a critique. "George," Layton said, "you're fired."

• A Grievous Day, Eclipsed by Sept. 11 — The New York Times recounts a 1966 fire across from the Flatiron Building that took the lives of 12 New York firefighters. It was the largest loss of life for the NYFD, till 343 were taken on 9/11.

• Photo New York — An e-commerce site for New York-related posters, prints and photographs, including dramatic B&W pieces in the LIFE picture collection.

• 9/11 News and Resources — The super-valuable Research Buzz maintains (still) a blog with the latest 9/11-related news, plus an enormous collection of regularly-updated links in such categories as memorials, pictures and op-ed.

Just Released: Randy 'Macho Man' Savage's Rap Album

Much of the news this past week was dominated by the possibility of a Cubs-Red Sox World Series and Republican support for a sexual harassing Hollywood actor. But nothing shocked me like this: Randy "Macho Man" Savage released a rap album titled Be a Man.

You can sample the music — and hear Savage call out fellow geriatric wrestler Hulk Hogan in true gansta style — in the multimedia section of Macho Man's well-done web site.

As you might expect, there's are a lot of "Oooh Yeah!" mixed up in the dope beats. A LOT of "Oooh Yeah!" Unfortunately, I haven't caught a Slim Jim reference. Check out these lyrics from the song Be a Man:

They call you Hollywood (hugh hugh) don’t make me laugh
Cuz your movies and your actin' skills are both trash
Your movies straight to video the box office can’t stand
While I got myself a feature role in Spider Man

If you locked Eminem and Nas in a room for a month they couldn't come up with a more lethal lyrical assault than what has been penned by the former St. Louis Cardinals and Cincinnati Reds farmhand. This stuff is gold, man. When's the Grammys? February 8? Savage is gonna have to rent a U-Haul to take home all the statues he's gonna win.

This is clearly one of the great albums ever put out by a wrester, but nothing will ever top the mid-'80s masterpiece The Wrestling Album, which has an average rating of 4 1/2 stars on Amazon. You can download full .mp3 versions of the songs, including the Land of 1,000 Dances medley, Grab Them Cakes by the late Junkyard Dog and Cara Mia by velvet-voiced Nikolai Volkoff. The crown jewel of the album is, of course, the debut single (and final single!) from Hillbilly Jim titled Don't Go Messin' With a Country Boy.

But take nothing away from Savage. It's only a matter of time before the Macho Man is headlining shows with Jay-Z and DMX. Take it from the Macho Man himself: "This CD is definitely gonna be a collector's item all the way!"

Other News Links:

• Study Hits War Views Held by FOX Fans — Over 3,000 Americans were asked if they believe one of three "egregious misperceptions" about the war in Iraq. Four-fifths (80%) of heavy viewers of the Fox News Channel believed at least one of the statements to be true. In contrast, only 23 percent of those who get their news from NPR or PBS believed in at least one of the mistaken claims.

• Porn Pages Reach 260 Million — The good news is that online porn pages grew from 14 million in 1998 to 260 million in 2003. The better news is that, at this rate, there will be 4.8 billion porn pages by 2008. And not all of them pictures of crack whores.

• Post Critic: 8 Simple Rules... Tasteless Before and After Ritter's Death — Adam Buckman writes that "8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter is a vulgar, offensive, worthless piece of junk that should have been discontinued while ABC had the chance." He goes on to bash ABC for prostituting Ritter's death to gain viewership. I agree, but the New York Post is calling someone else tasteless?

• Audio: NPR's Fresh Air With Bill O'Reilly — Always interesting when O'Reilly fields questions on a show that's not his own. He walked out on the interview, claiming "it got completely out of hand."

• Gene Simmons Officially Loses His Mind — Metal Sludge has a beef with the KISS leader, who referred to them as fools.

• Detroit Free Press Kills Negative Review of New Albom Book — For those who are interested in media ethics. If not, there's a porn story a few links up.

• NYPD pulled Boss' Shea Escort After 41 Shots — Reminds me of when Howard Stern joked about how the police would respond to a call from Ice-T's mansion after his recording of Copkiller.

Photos: Red Sox at Yankees, 2003 ALCS, Game 1

Wednesday night, I was up in the Bronx to see the Yanks and Red Sox kick off a series that is, shall we say, a bit intense. The Sox drew first blood, and then the Bombers roared back in equally convincing fashion in Game 2. My luck as it is this year, I got to see Manny Ramirez get more hits (4) than the Yankees (3) in Game 1.

Here are my pictures from the left-field bleachers Wednesday.

Observations from the game:

The Pre-Game Military Fly-Over: I was outside on the street, waiting for friends, when a rumbling began. It sounded like a subway train arriving overhead. I looked up at the tracks, but no train. The sound got louder. And louder. And louder. Something is wrong. My god, what was happening? I looked up waiting for the tracks to collapse on me. Then the sound dissipated into a whoosh, and I remembered the military fly-over. I giggled, reminded of when I was equally terrified during the fly-over at the 1999 All-Star Game at Fenway Park, when I thought I was going to get blown off the right-field roof. The fireman next to me wasn't giggling. He was sweating. He was wobbly, and had to lean against a wall to remain upright. He mentioned to his partner how he thought the whole stadium was coming down. I patted him on the shoulder and gave him a look of understanding. He'd clearly been through a lot two years ago.

$7 Beers at Billy's: Businesses around Yankee Stadium have long been known for gouging customers during the postseason. For example, parking rates go up to put the same car in the same spot in October. Customer service isn't much of a concern. Wednesday night I paid the most I have ever spent on one bottle of domestic beer — $7. Seven fucking dollars, in the fucking Bronx in a fucking dump. And if I had more time before the game I would have ordered another one.

The Tension: I'd been to two other games this season where the Red Sox won at the Stadium. Their fans were numerous and vocal. Wednesday, when the stakes were highest, there were dramatically less Sox fans present (tickets were sold prior to Boston's division series victory over Oakland), and they were almost subdued. It's like Red Sox fans don't know how to react to success in October. Like they don't want to jinx themselves, for fear of resurrecting some kind of curse or something. Like they can sense something really, really bad coming.

Beat This Caption: Arnold's Victory Party

"Watch it, buddy. You keep up that groping and you might find yourself running the whole damn state."

(To beat this caption, click "Post a Comment" below.)

Atkins Update: 8 Pounds Lost in 21 Days

A few weeks ago, I posted that I was readying myself to begin the Atkins diet, and response was, shall we say, passionate. Some endorsed the South Beach Diet, which sounds like it has something to do with cocaine. Others painted Aktins followers as being fat and lazy, which seems a somewhat odd description of people who are losing weight and being proactive about it — and exercising.

(I love it when people get riled up when others don't subscribe with what works exactly right for them. As if we all have the same body chemistry, metabolism and reactions to various exercises. Duh.)

For me, the short story is this: eight pounds gone in three weeks. The only way to lose quicker than this is to be a member of the Oakland A's. Let it be known that I piled on calories, fat and carbs at the Cowboys-Giants Monday Nightmare right before starting, so I didn't exactly get off to a running start.

Here's How I Worked It: 20g of carbs per day for the first two weeks. No alcohol, no caffeine, lots of water, no more than three cups of salad per day, muti-vitamin daily. Also a healthy dose of Yankees victories. Lost three pounds per week doing that. Added 5g per day for week three, during which I lost two pounds. Now I am up to 30g per day.

Typical Breakfast: Always some kind of combo of eggs, cheese, bacon, sausage and onion. With three glasses of water. Easiest part of the day, by far.

Typical Lunch: Salad with vegetables and chicken, oil and red wine vinegar. Maybe chicken or salmon with sides of broccoli and green beans (sautéed with oil and garlic).

Typical Dinner: Hamburger, cheese and onion; steak and salad; lobster tails, garlic shrimp, sausage. Sometimes not even all together.

Exercise: 30 minutes cardio 4x/week. Stomach crunches. Gotta walk at least a couple of miles a day. Can't go back to weights till my hand is fully recovered from surgery, which may take a couple more months.

Alcohol: None for first two weeks. Unflavored liquors have zero carbs, and Michelob Ultra, which I found readily available and tasting somewhat like a sick dog's urine, has 2.6g. Booze slows the fat-burning process, but if you think I'm going the rest of my life sober, you probably think a sexual-harassing movie star could get elected governor of our largest state. Being prudent with the sauce has been the toughest part, by far.

Energy Level: Same as always, which is pretty high, save the one day-a-week nap that could come any time and renders me comatose. Like Atlanta Braves hitters!

Constipation: All systems go, sir.

Hunger: Cravings very rare between meals. I seem to get full sooner.

Eating Out: At crappy places with limited sides options — potatoes, cole slaw, onion rings — you end up giving back half the meal. At better places where they've actually heard of broccoli and spinach, you're golden. Gotta pay for steak, lobster and shrimp, obviously. Nachos are good for the wallet, not for your ass.

Gas: Way down, though that was never a problem (despite a smear campaign from friends who love to post unfounded rumors about me here).

So No Problems at All? Actually, my head was spinning from days 2-4. I was dizzy, stuffed up and basically felt like I was going to die. But talk about fun! Then my body settled in, and it's been smooth sailing.

So, What's Wrong With Baseball Again?

Common complaints about baseball:

1. The games end too late. The ninth inning of Monday's thrilling Game 5 of the epic Red Sox-A's series started around 11 p.m. ET for the Boston fans and 8 p.m. PT for the Oakland fans. Doesn't sound too late to me.

2. The players don't even care who wins. See picture.

3. The same teams win every year. We're now looking at a final four of the Red Sox, Yankees, Cubs and Marlins, none of whom were among the final four in 2002 (Angels, Twins, Giants, Cardinals). And none of the 2002 teams were among the final four in 2001.

Whenever someone tells me about the ills of Major League Baseball, I know immediately that his team sucks. (Except for delusional soccer and hockey fans who don't even have a favorite team and think we're crazy for being among the significant majority who don't like their sports.) I would love to see someone patrol the streets of Wrigleyville, Boston, Miami or Manhattan right now and ask fans what's wrong with baseball. It may take awhile to get an answer.

My thoughts on the 2003 postseason so far:

Who'd win between A's/Braves?: Neither team slips into the playoffs through the backdoor, yet they're fighting for laughingstock status. The A's have lost nine straight games in which they've been able to close out series in the last four years. I don't see any quit with them, but 0-for-9? Braves fans don't even bother to show up anymore to see their 101-win team fold. For a team with such high turnover, they sure manage to trot out a sedated team every October. The hostile takeover by Cubs fans at Turner Field was embarrassing.

The Dumbest Man in Baseball: Someone tell Manny Ramirez his sixth-inning home run was not the same as hitting three homers in a World Series-clinching game. His several-step walk toward first base when he should have been trotting like a professional athlete will earn him a beaning next season. Show some class for a change, you loafing brickhead.

Johnny Damon's Injury: I don't care how much those A's fans paid for their tickets, there is no justification for taunting Red Sox players about the accident. I would have loved to have seen a Red Sox sub walk into those stands with a bat and knock those drunken assholes in the mouth. And then laugh about it when the stretcher came.

Jeter's Better Than Tejada: Time to rethink who's the most overrated shortstop in baseball. In four playoff series, Tejada's A's have lost all four while he hit .212 (18-for-85) with one home run — 2-for-23 against the Red Sox didn't help anything this week. Jeter hit .429 with a home run in the Yanks' division series victory over the Twins, after hitting .500 in last year's series loss to Anaheim. Jeter is a .321 lifetime hitter in 336 lifetime postseason at-bats and has led the Yanks to 15 series victories in 18 tries.

How to Cheat at Pool, NAPA Auto Parts and More

While looking for something else — probably something related to Nicole Eggert — I came across Maxim Online's Cheat of the Week Archive. It contains tips for Joe Average in his quest to screw everyone in sight, from stuffing foosball goals with newspaper to scamming extra time to write a report.

Now, we all know cheaters never win. (And neither do the Atlanta Braves. Like ever.) But I am relaying these tips simply so you don't find yourself with beer on the tip of your pool cue.

How to cheat at...
Waiting Tables — Slip coupons into payment, keep cash
Cell Phones — Fry your current model, trade-in for newer
Laundry Machines — Something about quarters and granny's pantyhose
Mailing Stuff — Media Mail; it's cheap, yo

Other Web Finds:

• Spend New Year’s Eve at the Playboy Mansion — Enter this online contest for a shot to party with Playmates ... and Bill Maher!

• Playboy Poll: Country Music's Sexiest Songbird — Playboy will invite the gal with the most votes to pose nude. As if they haven't invited — and been rejected — by Shania Twain, Faith Hill, et al already. Luckily for us Carnie Wilson accepted, though.

• Nerve.com's Unsexy List — Fifty things that fall somewhat short of arousing, including the filthy Mile High Club, the passé tongue ring and (worst of all) your cats.

• World Beard and Moustache Championships — Smart-ass comment not really necessary here.

• U.S. Government's 100 Milestone Documents — Background, complete text and even scannable images of such important national documents as the Louisiana Purchase Treaty (1803), Woodrow Wilson's 14 Points (1918) and the Lend Lease Act (1941).

• TV Tattle — A simple but quality blog that finds news and opinion links related to television.

• 50 Fixes for the Biggest PC Annoyances — The 8-page article is easier to scan if you bring up the print-friendly version, but you'll miss the thrill of loading up ads.

Help Make This Blonde's Birthday a Happy One

Fresh off her multiple-girl-kissing bartending stint on the NYCBP.com World Peace Booze Cruise (see my pics from the night), Timmy (pictured) called to ask if I'd mention that she's celebrating her birthday Monday at Yogi's. But of course.

Timmy works the day shift, so get up to Broadway and 76 Street by 8 p.m. Take the 1-9 to 79 Street and follow the stench to the bar with the wooden bear outside. I'd link to the Yogi's website if it wasn't so damn cheap and actually had one. But at least the toilets work most of the time. If you think no one goes out on a Monday — especially that early — you've never seen Timmie work. She literally jumps off the bar and pulls people in off the street. And they don't go home till she does.

On Monday, bring your thirst for cheap beer and loud country music to Yogi's and help make a birthday fun for a flirty Hungarian hottie.

Another PSA: CP is looking to sell four tickets to see Shania Twain at MSG on Tues. Oct. 14, at 8 p.m. Section 119, Row 5. Face value being asked: $70/per seat. E-mail me if interested.

Why Are All the Best Running Backs and Wide Receivers Black?

I thought Rush Limbaugh's opinion about Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb and the media were less than accurate, but I was disappointed that he was pressured to resign over what essentially was a two-part comment: a) McNabb is overrated; and b) Media root for black quarterbacks to succeed.

I'm struggling to find the racist or insensitive part.

Part A critiques the skills of McNabb, who had strung together two terrible games that showcased his relatively inaccurate arm (when compared to such greats as Steve Young, Joe Montana and Troy Aikman). The rest of his game — leadership, decision-making, arm strength, mobility — is all top-notch, so I disagree with Rush in terms of how much credit McNabb deserves for the Eagles' dramatic turnaround since he joined the franchise. (Rush said it was all defense.) But so far nothing is racist or insensitive.

Part B is a viewpoint on the media. Again, I disagree, as I don't think the media has overplayed the talents of less-than-stellar black quarterbacks like Akili Smith, Ray Lucas and the wildly inconsistent Kordell Stewart. But is it an opinion worthy of losing one's job? Do you think the media rooted for Jackie Robinson? I think most people, media included, did root for Robinson and I think most people, media included, did at one time root for black quarterbacks to succeed. But I don't think there is such a thing as a "black quarterback" anymore. They're just quarterbacks. So I think Rush is wrong but I still don't see how a viewpoint about the state of the media can be considered racist or insensitive when, in fact, it was probably true at some point.

I'm afraid that if guys like Rush get lynched — for lack of a better word — we mute discussions of race in sports that really should be taking place. Look, I don't have any Jimmy "The Greek" theories, but I'm not blind. I know that the last time a white running back led either the AFC or NFC in rushing was Oakland's Mark van Eeghen in 1977. I know that every starting tailback in the NFL is black. I know that the last white wide receiver to lead the AFC or NFC in receptions was San Francisco's Dwight Clark in 1982. I know that on CBS Sportsline's preseason fantasy football cheat sheet, all but one of the top 52 wide receivers were black. Mark Boerigter was No. 35.

I would fathom a guess that blacks dominate, in numbers of starters and stats leaders, at those positions more at the highest level of football than at the college and high school level. Meaning that somewhere along that line from teen years to 20s, whites simply cannot, or do not, compete. I would guess that the same is true for American track & field sprinters. Do whites not sprint in high school? But I can't recall the last white American Olympic sprinter.

Seven years ago, Sports Illustrated ran a cover story that asked "Whatever Happened to the White Athlete?" The magazine's story archive is not available at si.com and so I don't know what conclusions were drawn. I do know that I have never seen a story exploring why blacks dominate at tailback and wide receiver in the NFL. I certainly have no clue. I only know the numbers posted above are so statistically significant that they beg to be studied. But I bet the media is afraid to do so. And I don't blame them, in part because of what happened to Rush Limbaugh, which I thought was unfair.

Related Links:

• Peter King: Rush's Comments Not Racist; Just Boneheaded

• King Kaufman: ESPN Sold Out Fans For a Few Ratings Ticks

• Alan Barra: Rush Limbaugh Was Right About McNabb, Media

Happy 25th Anniversary to Bucky Dent's Home Run

If silence is golden, then Fenway park was a 24-karat rotting dump 25 years ago today. When Bucky Dent's home run hit the screen above the Green Monster on Oct. 2, 1978 you could hear a pin — or a tear — drop.

It looked like 60 years of torture was going to be enough. The Red Sox had not won a World Series since Babe Ruth guided them to a title in 1918, and they had lost Game 7s in the World Series on three occasions since: 1946, 1967 and 1975. But that season was going to be different. A powerhouse lineup that included Jim Rice, Dwight Evans, Fred Lynn and Carl Yastrzemski was going to skip past the Yankees in a one-game playoff, then march through the postseason and bring Boston fans what they'd been craving for six decades.

Nursing a 2-0 lead with two on in the seventh inning, Mike Torrez pitched to 5-foot-9 Bucky Dent, who'd hit four home runs in 122 previous games that season.

And then this:

"Deep to left! Yastrzemski will not get it! It's a home run! A three-run homer by Bucky Dent! And the Yankees now lead by a score of 3-2!"
- Yankees announcer Bill White

Here's to 25 years of kicking Red Sox fans in the gut.