PaulKatcher.com

Giants Fans Unite! In New Orleans No Less

My favorite NFL team, the New York Giants, has a travel company called Big Blue Travel. They take care of flights, lodging and ticket for road games — and throw in some perks like a cocktail party with open bar with Giants Hall of Famer Lawrence Taylor. Not bad, but you can do better.

With a little help from a friend I call the Internet, you can arrange your own road trips for roughly half the price, minus the drink-up with LT. That's assuming the Giants' opponent sucks and tickets are easy to come by. And that's where my December trip to New Orleans comes in.

When the Saints popped up on the Giants' road schedule — a Sunday night game on Dec. 14 — I quickly scooped up game tickets from Ticketmaster, thinking that it could be a late-season contest with playoff implications for both teams.

But after the Saints' Sunday night debacle at home against the Colts, I am reminded of former head coach Jim Mora: "Playoffs? Are you kidding me? Playoffs?" (Listen to a 90K audio clip of Mora.) So game tickets for the cavernous Superdome will likely be had for a song. Mix in the fact that New Orleans — NASCAR Nation's equivalent of South Beach — is the cheapest vacation city not situated in South Carolina, and we're talking a guaranteed-to-rock three-night weekend of football and debauchery for as little as $400. (Figure around $225 for the flight, $150 for Fri-Sat-Sun nights at a decent French Quarter hotel split with a roommate, $25 for a crappy game ticket.)

Six of us have everything booked, and if any of you Giants fans want to join us, feel free. I'm not a travel agent, but a friend of mine is. He's coming on the trip and can hook you up with a good deal. Just contact me and I'll forward him your information to get back to you.

Today's Sports Links:

• Dan Pompei's Top 100 NFL Players — Posted the day before the start of the season, the list, which rates players on present-day value, has Brett Favre at No. 1. My instinct is to argue vehemently — if only because the guy is 33 — but Favre is still durable, talented, intelligent and post-season tested. So maybe in a one-year fantasy draft among NFL franchises, he really would go No. 1 overall.

• Joe Concha's The List — The newest addition to "MSNBC With the Sporting News" (whatever the hell that combo is) delivers a weekly list of five things every fan must know. God knows why MSNBC produces his column in a scrolling frame, and it would have been nice if they hinted what the hell the topic was, but Joe's good guy so read up on why he thinks Jeter is overrated — apparently a .318 lifetime hitter with four championships and a World Series MVP isn't very good. Then again, Joe once wrote that living in Hoboken, N.J., was better than living in Manhattan.

• Gammons: Yanks the Team to Beat — The ESPN baseball analyst writes that "Jeter is an October fulcrum unlike anyone else." Ah, but what does Gammons know about baseball?

• Just Win Already — Sports Illustrated's Phil Taylor is so sick of self-pitying Cubs and Red Sox fans that he wants one of the teams to win just so they'd shut up.

Baseball Is More Competitive Than Ever — Slate's Allen Barra on the illusion of the lack of competitive balance in Major League Baseball. Like I care, as long as the Yankees win over and over and over again.

It's Open Season on Telemarketers

It used to be that when a telemarketer called, I would not only thank the salesperson but apologize as well. Not comfortable hanging up on someone, I would listen to the opening schpeil and say, "Oh, thanks but I'm not interested." And then I would listen to Part II and reply with, "I'm sorry, but I'm really not interested." Then hang up and think, Damn, I hope that wasn't too rude.

My reason for relative politeness was that the person on the other end of the line didn't deserve much gruff. He or she wouldn't be in that position unless it was a last resort from an employment standpoint. Not everyone with a crappy job is a crack-smoking wife-beater, you know.

Then came those patronizing, loud recorded messages, and my tone changed a bit. Especially when I returned one that happened to wake me up on a weekend. The operator barely got past hello when I said, "I want you to take me off your fucking list right fucking now." It felt great.

Awhile back I registered my number on the New York State Do-Not-Call List, and telemarketers haven't since been a problem. But I imagine the state list is in jeopardy now that a judge has struck down a national do-not-call list that included over 50 million phone numbers registered by fed-up Americans.

The judge, whose office number was on the list, ruled that it was an unconstitutional infringement on free speech. Come again? Does this mean you can knock on my door and try to sell me bullshit all day long even if I ask you not to? He could have said it was an infringement on his ability to lick his own balls and it would have made more sense to me.

The funny part about all this telemarketing backlash is how people always complain about being called during dinner. Like dinner it's the most sacred of times. How about when you're giving it to the wife? Or when your team is playing Monday Night Football? Or when you're giving it to your neighbor's wife? Those are times you don't want to be interrupted. But when you're watching over a pan of Hamburger Helper? Surely you've got two minutes to talk about vacation condos.

Other Telemarketing Links:

• Audio From Jim Florentine's "Terrorizing Telemarketers" — Download a few MP3 clips of the hilarious voice of Crank Yankers' Bobby Fletcher and Special Ed. I love when the callers get upset when Jim turns the tables on them.

• How to Deal With Telemarketers — Some funny ways on how to turn the tables by making them uncomfortable, some by being equally as patronizing, some by being painfully annoying.

• Andy Rooney's Tips For Telemarketers — Practical tips for getting back not only at telemarketers ("Hold on, please" and walk away) but with junk mailers (return empty envelopes).

• National Do Not Call Registry — The site that, as they say, started it all.

Other News Links:

• Confessions of a Spam King — More vermin. The New York Times catches up with a man who makes a living by filling your e-mail box. Read how he does it and why Congress probably won't do a thing about it.

• Bearer of Bad News — Jeremy Simmons, who administers H.I.V. tests at a Tulsa, Okla., clinic, shares with the New York Times what it's like to inform a person about a positive result.

• Vince Neil Gets Into Fight With Poison's Bret Michaels and Bobby Dall — More hair-band gossip from Metal Sludge, with e-mails from concert-goers who witnessed the tussle.

• Girl, 5, Makes Bong in "Show and Tell" — It wasn't even Snoop's kid.

• Justice Probes Leak of CIA Agent's Name — Does politics get any uglier than when a CIA agent's identity is exposed because her husband questioned President Bush's claims?

• WB 11's Video Tribute to Sean Kimerling — The news program remembers fondly its 37-year-old sportscaster, who learned he had testicular cancer in August and died four weeks later.

Sosa Bigger Than Mantle? You Cannot Be Serious

Previous to Thursday, it was hard to pick out the dumbest thing ever published on ESPN.com's Page 2. Maybe it was when Derek Jeter was ranked the third-most overrated current athlete, citing his high salary (which admittedly is the highest for a four-time World Series champ who is also a merchandising and branding dream). Then the idiots ranked Yankee Stadium 21st among MLB ballparks, below the Florida Marlins' home, Pro Player Stadium, which got higher points for trading up on seat location. Hello! When the house is packed, it's hard to sneak up to the front row.

But Thursday's Daily Quickie takes the cake for idiocy. According to whatever genius writes it, "In 10 years, Sammy Sosa will be more highly regarded than Mickey Mantle."

Then I read this line and almost burst a blood vessel in my head: Regarding Mantle's myth... "His good luck to be on a Yankees dynasty (kind of like Derek Jeter)..."

Holy fucking shit, I haven't read anything so stupid since Gene Wojciechowski wrote off Syracuse in the NCAA hoops final, giving the title to Kansas and ignoring the fact that the Orangemen had just defeated two Big 12 teams ranked ahead of Kansas, making All-Americans look All-Ordinary in the process. Stupid, stupid column.

OK, back to baseball ... not only were Mantle and Jeter lucky enough to play for 11 (that's 11!) World Series champions, but they were both the best players on those dynasties. I've got too much to go on this Mantle-Sosa thing to spend too much time on Jeter, but let me remind you that his career batting average is .317 with enough at-bats to be halfway to 3,000 hits. Don't blame him because A-Rod and Nomar were born. He's still an all-timer at short. (In 1999, he hit .349, with 24 HRs, 102 RBIs, 134 runs and 19 SBs. The year after, only .339. This year, .320.)

Mickey Mantle's career stats | Sammy Sosa's career stats

Let me preface by saying that Sosa is a great player. A first-ballot Hall of Famer, but his is not the Mick, and here's why

• Mantle won the Triple Crown in 1956 with numbers (.353 , 52, 130) that are staggering now and even more so then. Sosa has never led the league in batting, and has never led in homers and RBIs in the same season.

• Aside from that batting title, Mantle finished among the AL's top five in batting on five other occasions. Sosa had placed in the top 10 once — at No. 8 with a .328 batting average in 2001.

• Mantle won three AL MVP awards, finished second three times and ranked in the top five in voting nine times. Sosa has won one MVP, finished second once and otherwise never finished in the top seven.

• Mantle, a feared slugger who was walked nearly 1,000 more times than Sosa, ranked in the AL's top five in on-base percentage 12 times. Sosa once.

• Mantle led the league in homers four times to Sosa's two. He ranked in the top five in homers nine times to Sosa's eight. Mantle led the AL in runs six times, while Sosa has led his league thrice.

• Mantle was an All-Star 14 years in a row and 16 overall. Sosa has made six All-Star teams, the same as Harold Baines.

• Mantle hit two or more home runs in six different World Series, finishing with a record 18 overall. Sosa hit .182 with no home runs or RBIs in his only playoff series appearance, a three-game sweep by the Braves in 1998.

Sosa may have plenty of more productive years ahead of him. I really don't know how much cork he's got left for those "batting practice" bats. But it's clear Mantle dominated baseball in ways Sosa has not done.

What Sosa has absolutely no chance of doing is supplanting Mantle as a baseball icon. Wanna guess why center field for the Yanks is the No. 1 sports gig? I'll give you half of the equation: Joe. D. You figure out the rest. Mantle was the baseball icon in the '50s and '60s. No player drew more visiting fans from more remote areas of the country than he. Fathers used to call the Yankees to make sure the often-ailing slugger was in the lineup before trekking for hours, across state lines, so their sons could see him play.

When Mantle retired, he was third on the all-time home run list. (List of lifetime home run leaders through history). He was a god, not a cartoon character/poster child of the 'roid-raging new millennium.

As someone who has been active in the trading card industry since even before it's boom in the late '80s, I can say without equivocation that Mantle has always been the crown jewel of the collectible industry. With supply as a constant and demand the only variable, he buries all other players in terms of popularity. Ted Williams and Pete Rose were always big. Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa had that 1998 love-fest. But Mantle is in a class by himself — 55-year-old men still have his cards in their wallets — and he will not, as the Daily Quickie wrongly claims, be eclipsed by Sosa in the all-time Pantheon.

All Hail the Great Adam Shapiro!

On the University of Maryland's Department of Theater alumni update page, it reads that "Adam Shapiro (BA 2002) can be seen on a national commercial for T-Mobile." Can be seen? More like cannot be avoided. I must've seen this commercial roughly 12,000 times this month.

But, you know what? Unlike that Gellin' commercial that drove me nuts, I kinda like it.

The spot is titled "Freeloader" (though I guess "Jewish Stereotype" would have worked, too) and features cheap-ass Adam mooching lodging for his cross country trip by hitting up anyone who has ever heard of him. A first grade classmate, his Uncle Saul and (my favorite) Wyyyaaaaaaaaaattttttt! He phones them first, of course, through his nationwide calling plan — which I do not have, meaning that AT&T would probably charge me $4,000 and my first born to place the same calls.

I wonder, though, is the Adam Shapiro phenomenon finding its way across to your neck of the woods? And second, who the hell names their kid Wyatt these days?

Other Web Finds:

• Joe Rogan: Dennis Leary and Robin Williams Are Thieves — The new co-host of the Man Show accuses Leary and Williams of stealing other comics' jokes. (A friend of mine told me this about Williams more than a decade ago.) Leary responds by poking fun at Fear Factor, saying that Rogan's job is "watching ex-bartenders eat worms."

• IGN's Top 100 Video Games of All Time — In freshman year of college, I was addicted to Nos. 4 and 1, Super Mario Brothers and Tetris. Between them, beer and lusting after thousands of women, I don't know how I ever got work done. Oh that's right, I didn't.

• Printing Digital Photos? Think Big — PC Magazine's John C. Dvorak on some large-paper printing options you have. How cool would it be to print your own 11x17 photos? It's easier than you think, and it costs only $2 to $3 each.

• Old Photos of Fred Durst — I don't know who let these photos out in public, but I imagine Durst has a contact out on him right now.

Your 2003 AL East Champions: The Yankees (Of Course)

The suspense is over, my friends. For the sixth straight season and 42nd time overall, the Yankees have finished in first place during the regular season. This time it came in the visiting clubhouse of the Chicago White Sox, a team with as much of a winning tradition in baseball as the Phoenix Suns. I'm shocked they even had Champagne on hand.

The Yankees' 7-0 win Tuesday night featured a dynamite 8-inning shutout performance from No. 5 starter (and soon to be a middle reliever) Jose Contreras and a grand slam from season-long slumper Jason Giambi, who now has 40 HRs, 106 RBIs and an on-base percentage well over .400.

Also on hand were Jeter, Soriano, Williams, Posada, Matsui, Mussina, Clemens, Pettitte, Rivera, Boone, and Wells. I think that's all the current and former All-Stars on the Yanks. No wait, Sierra and Nelson!

The win was the Yankees' 98th of the season, tied with Atlanta for most in the majors (Yanks have one less loss). I would be remiss, however, to not congratulate the Mets on their 64th win Tuesday night. For some reason, 17,830 people showed up for the thing. Maybe they retired Tim Teufel's number or something. Al Leiter pitched a gem to snap the Mets' eight-game losing streak, and the Amazin's (amazingly bad) are now a mere 33 games out of first place with five days left in their season.

Other Sports Links:

• Gregg Easterbrook's Tuesday Morning Quarterback — I can't read anything remotely this long online, but some people love TMQ. You be the judge. And in a show of versatility not seen since Keith Hernandez did coke and smoked cigarettes, Eaterbrook appears in this week's TIME with a viewpoint on Why Bush Gets a Bad Rap on Dirty Air.

• Top 10 NFL Rookie Seasons — LT gets the top spot, which is rare for ESPN's Page 2, a site that exists to take shots at New York. I thought Earl Campbell (off the list) was cheated, as was No. 10 Randy Moss. C'mon man, the 1998 Vikes went 15-1 and Moss' 17 TDs had more to do with it than anything. (Though there was talent to spare on that offense.)

• SI.com's NBA Preview — Oh my god, is it time for marijuana offenses already? SI.com has some team previews up for the scrubs, working its way up to the league's best. The Knicks, of course, are coming right up.

• Pete Prisco's NFL Power Rankings — In the NFL, what goes up must come down ... in like a month. Rams 16, 49ers 17, Raiders 19, Eagles 24. Preseason predictions look like shit before October even hits.

• Best College Sports Towns — The 'Cuse gets No. 10, which is fair. Those people are nice up there and are big Orange fans without being overly psychotic. Unlike (Texas) some (Gainesville) places (Knoxville) I (Norman) know (Lincoln).

• Boston Sports Blog — I'm not one to read about crappy sports teams, but if I were, this looks like a good site to do it at. Could use more color and ability to comment. But it looks like a promising team effort. (On the less-promising front, you must read the top post of Petrow's Sports Blog.)

• Are the Red Sox Cheating? — A Baseball Prospectus column on whether the BoSox are sign-stealers. Sources have claimed they've been stealing all year. I wouldn't put it past those sneaky scumbags.

NYCBP.com Booze Cruise Ticket Giveaway

On Wednesday, Oct. 1, New York City Bartenders and Patrons is hosting another one of its wild booze cruises, and they've been kind enough to reward PK.com with tons of free admission tickets to give away.

Tickets cost $15 in advance and $20 at the dock, but I'll be giving away a pair of tickets each day till we set sail. To be eligible, e-mail me at paul@paulkatcher.com with your most hated member of the Red Sox or Mets and an explanation of 20 words or less why you can't stand him.

Full details about the cruise:

• The theme is "Nations Unite," featuring some of the United States' finest imports — our barmaids: Romina from Coyote Ugly (left, Argentina), Timmie from Yogi's (center, Hungary) and Carmit from Time Out (right, Israel). The only foreign policy these gals subscribe to is getting you wasted.

• The party sails from 8 p.m.-11 p.m. aboard the Half Moon. Cash bar with a hot food buffet and a DJ. Plus, a gorgeous view of New York, including tons of picture ops. Afterward, we'll probably head to Coyote Ugly for the post-party. (At midnight it's the 25th anniversary of Bucky Dent's home run.)

• I'd say that NYCBP.com's first two booze cruises were a wild time, but I'll let the pictures do the talking: Paul's Cruise 1 recap and pics | Kevin's Cruise 1 recap and pics | Kevin's Cruise 2 recap and pics. (Where's my recap of Booze Cruise 2? I was sitting in the emergency room after tearing a ligament in my right hand.)

Happy 42nd Birthday to the 5th Greatest Man Ever

You may know him as the man who was loved by Joanie. In reality, though, Scott Baio (who turns 42 on Monday) did a lot better than Erin Moran. A lot better.

Why else would I have named him the 5th greatest man ever? We all know it wasn't for his acting.

Most men would give their right arm to wake up one morning next to Pamela Anderson, Erika Eleniak, Nicole Eggert, Natalie Raitano, Nicolette Sheridan, Brooke Shields or Heather Locklear. Baio had sex with all of them. (Please, put down the gun.) Maybe he had 'em all at once. I wouldn't put it past this guy.

Baio's entry on Wikipedia (the free and ultra-useful online encyclopedia) credits him with being a member of the Man Show Hall of Fame. Which carries with it as much weight as being named my fifth greatest man of all-time. Still, not bad for a guy who once starred in Zapped!

Let us look back at some of the highlights of Scott Baio's acting career:

• Nicole Eggert's super-hot photoshoot in Stuff
• Pam Anderson's super-hot photoshoot in Stuff
• Tons of Heather Locklear photos from a scary fan's site
• Tons of Natalie Raitano photos

Other Web Finds:

• Ben There. Done That? — Playboy.com catches up with a stripper who says Ben Affleck went down on her in a Vancouver club.

• Am I Annoying: The Jimmy Kimmel Collection — Vote on who bugs you most among the talk show host's inner circle. Do they get more annoying than Andy Milonakis and Gerhard Reinke? I would likely punch Cousin Sal if he ever came near me. Talk about a guy who can't be funny unless he's annoying someone. Least annoying: Uncle Frank and Sarah Silverman. They crack me up.

• Emese Gaal's Photography — I've been saving this link for awhile. An incredible collection of digital photography and an example of how one can create art with a mix of knowledge and a camera that's within a lot of people's budget. (To see the exact opposite effect, check out my photos.)

• How Dumb Are You? — A 12-question quiz that is too easy to screw up. Or is it? (I got a 12, of course.)

Home Castration Just Ain't What it Used to Be

Here's a tip for you transgender females out there. Being born with both male and female genitalia is tough, but you don't want to run the risk of a botched home castration performed by a doctor found online.

That's what happened to a McKeesport, Pa., woman who invited Doug Lenhart into her home to perform a nip and a tuck. When bleeding became uncontrollable, he did was any butcher would do: throw her private parts into a garbage can and run like the wind.

The victim called 911, and Lenhart is now behind bars.

(Thanks to Art for the link.)

Archive:
• June 12, 2002: Police Shocked by Castration That Went Awry
• March 14, 2001: Transsexual Held in Castration Death

Other News Links:

• This Guy’s Gone Wild — Newsweek profiles Joe Francis, founder of the Girls Gone Wild franchise and a man who has accumulated a massive fortune and an equal amount of legal woe

• Turn On. Tune In. Download — Rob Walker writes in the New York Times that song-swapping is bigger than a fad and "more like speeding or marijuana use — activities that many people in a wide range of ages know are ''wrong' in a technical sense but not in a behavioral sense"

• Locksmiths Locked Out of Own Van — A short New York Poststory on three Affordable Locksmith employees who had to break into their own vehicle after locking themselves out. It took an hour to open the door.

• Brewing Company Develops Beer-Flavored Ice Cream — Two great tastes that sounds like shit taste great together.

• Gates Tops List of Richest Americans — I love how five of the top 10 are in the Walton family. Who picks up that check at dinner?

Head 2 Head: TV's Greatest Housekeeper

Here's how Head 2 Head works: I throw out a debate between two people, places or things, and you settle it by posting a comment.

Today's question: Who is television's greatest housekeeper, Tony Micelli or Florence Johnston? (To speed things up, I have already eliminated Edna Garrett, Lynn Belvedere and Alice Nelson from competition. Also worth noting, both Micelli and Johnston were New Yorkers.)

Tony Micelli, played flawlessly by Tony Danza
Pros: Let's start with the offspring, shall we? Have you seen those pictures of Alyssa Milano at the Dickie Roberts premiere? ... That head-first slide during the opening credits was pretty bad-ass for 1980s comedies. You didn't see Stephen Keaton going all out for victory anywhere outside of a peace march ... Tony had the neighborhood women on a string. On a string, I tell you.
Cons: What was with that sexual tension with Angela? Tony could have done much better... Left New York for Connecticut, for Christ's sake. I know he was looking out for the kid's education, but metal detectors are getting better and better these days. Plus, not everyone who grows up in NYC develops a drug problem.
• The Who's the Boss Resource
• Jump the Shark: Who's the Boss?

Florence Johnston, played flawlessly by Marla Gibbs
Pros: She maximized her salary simply by not working much. Tell her it's the door and she's say, "It sure is. Why don't you see who's there?"... You always wanted Florence on your side, or else that hockey puck of a hamburger could be laced. Worse still, she might call you a shrimp in front of your blue-haired mother.
Cons: Hey, that's George Jefferson you're snapping at, bitch. He's my hero, if you did not know. Self-made dry cleaning emperor who did not fall for Ralph's groveling for extra tips... Florence's cynicism got the best of her when she mistook Billy Dee Williams for a fake... Florence's spin-off Checking In, where she was the executive housekeeper at the St. Fredric Hotel, was a failure. She returned to The Jeffersons and resumed spending all day in a "rich" apartment that didn't even have a separate dining room.
• Jump the Shark: The Jeffersons

Beat This Caption: Matsui's Rookie Hazing

"Hideki Matsui is greeted by fans in L.A. after a blockbuster deal sent him to Snoop Dogg's expansion Diamond Daddies in exchange for Shawn Green and two ho's for Derek Jeter."

(To beat this caption, click "Post a Comment" below.)

Monday Nightmare Football: Cowboys 35, Giants 32 (OT)

Dear God,

Dude, what was up with that? Why do you torture me every time I attend a Giants game?

Was the 91-yard punt by Randall "The Devil" Cunningham in 1989 not enough? I was only a 16-year-old kid, man. And it was fucking freezing. Did you have to ruin my Monday night in 1994 when Lawrence Taylor's number was retired at halftime? Dave Brown set the place on fire with a game-tying sneak with seven seconds left in the first half. After No. 56 was honored, the Giants stunk worse than an East Rutherford landfill.

But this takes the cake. Eighteen unanswered points in the fourth quarter to take a three-point lead with 11 seconds left and — I can't even write this — we lose the only way possible: with a kickoff out of bounds that takes no time off the clock AND a long completed pass AND a converted 52-yard field goal AND losing the overtime coin toss AND failing to move the ball after we got it back AND another scoring drive by the guy who went from Joe Schmoe to Joe Montana in four hours, Quincy Carter.

I mean, I know I got these sorta decent pictures and all, but next time why not spare me the trip to Jersey and just have someone come to my door and kick me in the nuts 10 times?

Sincerely,
Paul

Other Sports Links:

ESPN.com's NFL Power Rankings — Six of the top eight are AFC teams. Does the author note this in the intro? Nope.

Making a Play for Players — The New York Daily News goes inside the world of sports groupies. Like rock groupies, except the targets look less like David Lee Roth and more like Derek Jeter.

Mushnick: Madden Will Do Anything for a Buck — The New York Post's Phil Mushnick on a controversial commercial in which Madden and Outback Steakhouse see the lighter side of being knocked out in a football game. He also calls Chris "Mad Dog" Russo an "idiot."

Beat This Caption: Nick and Aaron Carter

"Hey, little bro. I know we're not five years old anymore, but come sit on my lap and watch me rise up the charts."

(To beat this caption, click "Post a Comment" below.)

Review: Madden 2004 for Playstation2

The game's title may be only a year ahead of its time, but gameplay options in Madden 2004 are so beyond anything I've fathomed in a video game that I get a creepy cold futuristic feeling when playing it. Not that I even know how to do that well.

When I bought Madden 2004 a couple of weeks ago, I also purchased the online connection kit that allows me to hook up my DSL line (without disrupting my computer connection) into the PS2. With it, I can compete against friends — and trashtalk over an optional headset — or challenge one of the thousands of players of all skill levels logged onto EA Sports' network. The company is kind enough to publish such user stats as record, run/pass yardage average and average opponent rank. Yep, we're a long way from the 4-play Tecmo Bowl that we devoured in college.

Speaking of plays, users can create their own, selecting formations and routes to be run by players that can also be created ... to perform in stadiums that — you guessed it — can also be created. It seems the only thing that cannot be recreated is the bloodshed in the stands at Oakland Raiders games.

Among the game's most advanced features:

Franchise Mode: — Take full command of an organization for 30 complete seasons. Includes drafts, training camps, injuries and playoffs. Basically, you do everything but fuck the cheerleaders.
Owner Mode: — Assume complete control of an organization's financial responsibilities. From hiring the best available coaches to setting prices for tickets, parking and merchandise, you decide how all of the team's non-bail money is allotted.
Create a Player: — Tall and fat. It's not just Thornton Melon's clothing line for big people, it's the new defensive lineman who looks like your landlord!
Madden Cards: — Rewards for good performance earned and cashed in during games. Find the elusive Get Rid of Dilfer Free card.
Historic Teams: — Not just the 1978 Steelers, but at least a couple of old favorites for each franchise, including classic uniform styles. Unfortunately, the player names and correct numbers are not available. Must be a Players Association legal thing.
Shockey Mode: — See if you can find anyone on the street who believes he attended a major university.

As you can see, the game is, um, complex. I might get around to trying out 10% of it. For those similarly unwilling to allot 2,000 hours to a particular video game, it's not too hard to plug and play, at least on the Rookie and Pro levels. Don't expect to win a Super Bowl on Pro Bowl or All-Madden level. Or, if you're like me, don't expect to beat anybody other than the Bengals.

Now if you'll excuse me, it's time to kickoff a preview of the Cowboys-Giants game I'll be at Monday night.

In Five Words or Less: Keepin' it Real, Man

Madden 2004 Links:

Madden 2004 Player Rankings — And the top players in the league are — you guessed it — Brian Dawkins, Adam Vinatieri and Ray Lewis. Part of the ESPN Gamer site.

Madden 2004 Message Board — If you ever think that there aren't enough psycho gamers to warrant such over-the-top advanced gameplay features, look no further than this community of Madden disciples.

Online FAQ — Wanna know how to get online and challenge me and my killer Giants to a game? Read up.

Madden NFL 2004 FAQs and Guides — All the historic rosters, all the Madden cards explained, all the fucking lyrics to the soundtrack. Does it ever stop?

Metacritic Reviews: Madden 2004 — Read a host of reviews from the most respected sources in video games. The game grades an average of 94 out of 100, just slightly less than Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, which I was once addicted to.

Happy 10th Anniversary, Conan O'Brien

Early is his career as an NBC late night talk show host come from nowhere, Conan O'Brien's main competition was The Late, Late Show with Tom Snyder. Sounds like a fair fight right? Yeah, for me to poop on.

O'Brien vs. Snyder was like Reagan vs. Mondale, Kobayashi vs, Nathan's, Shockey vs. Tact. It was an N.C.er, a no-contest, in the words of Dick Vitale, who is able to mouth catch-phrases like N.C.er when his head isn't up Duke's ass.

Sunday night at 9:30/8:30 p.m., NBC will air a 10th anniversary special — see spiffy official website built for the occasion — commemorating a decade of ratings ass-kickings. (Though now that Jimmy Kimmel and Uncle Frank are in town, the heat may get turned up a notch. That show's consistently getting better. Just needs musical guests people have actually heard of.)

If, for some reason, you can't catch the special — and that reason is probably NFL Sunday Night Football — there is plenty of Conan O'Brien hilarity on the web. Let's start with my tale of the night Conan O'Brien and I watched ugly strippers. There is also a ton of hilarious Late Night With Conan O'Brien clips on ifilm.com. And there are enough Conan O'Brien fan sites to satisfy even the guy who built one with the title Conan O'Brien, aka GOD (settle down, Beavis).

Congratulations, Conan. Here's to 10 more. See you at the strip clubs.

Other Web Finds:

Britney Spears' Rolling Stone Cover and Tattoo Pic — We learn new things about Britney Spears every day. A couple of weeks ago, we learned she would kiss Madonna on television if asked nicely. Today we learn that her pubic hair is nicely tended to.

The Gender Genie — Paste in some words you've written and see if you should be carrying around a penis.

Rolling Stone's 100 Greatest Guitarists — I know it's not the newest link, but I haven't done Web Finds in awhile. Plus, some of you aren't the savviest web surfers, outside of porn.

2004 Women of Santa Cruz Calendar — Congrats to an all-time PK.com favorite, Shannon Nowak, for being selected as one of the calendar babes.

Top 100 Speeches by Rank — A resourceful site that has text and audio of 100 of the greatest speeches by Americans. Man, those Roosevelts were like the New York Yankees of oratory.

The 'Falling Man.' He Was Us

I have never looked away from images of people jumping from the World Trade Center. At first, I was cynical about photographers who rushed to the scene, not with medical supplies in hand but with Nikons. But I never looked away. Today I credit, to a large degree, those photos for keeping the human side of 9/11 alive in me, and that has made me a better person. Photojournalism, I learned, was important.

I don't know how many times I whispered Oh, my god under my breath after seeing photos, but I'm sure one time was after seeing the famous shot to the right taken by Pulitzer Prize winner Richard Drew of the Associated Press. To say it's worth a thousand words is to underestimate its power immensely.

In a recent commentary in the L.A. Times, Drew explains why that photo touched home for so many, why reaction was different from the ones of RFK's murder (Drew was so close, he heard Ethel's screams and had blooded spattered onto his jacket). Why were Americans protected from images like the one to the right, but not from the one Nick Ut took of a girl who'd been napalmed during the Vietnam War? Two images of horror, two different reactions.

In a lengthy and remarkable piece, Esquire's Tom Junod writes about the search to identify the "Falling Man." In it are some of the most tragic details of the day: "the booming, rattling explosions the jumpers made upon impact." USA Today reports that 200 people jumped — or fell — on that morning. Ten seconds till heaven at 150 miles per hour.

Now try telling me you're gonna work a 12-hour stress-filled work day on Monday.

(Links found on former coworker David Dadekian's blog. Worth checking out, for sure.)

How I Spent Sept. 11, 2003 in New York

We couldn't decide whether the observation deck at the Empire State Building was going to be especially crowded or especially empty on the second anniversary of the demise of New York's tallest buildings. We went up to find out.

There weren't too many people up there on the 86th floor till around 7:30 p.m. Then the sun went down, the Tribute in Light came on, and everybody stared. There wasn't much talking. An area facing south was roped off for about 10 media photographers. The amateurs waited patiently for those close to the fence to take their pictures — 10, 20, 30 at a time. But it was a sight that was worth capturing. It was altogether beautiful, touching and saddening.

Here are my photos from the day.

New York Links:

Wire Photos of 2003's Tribute in Light — So beautiful. I really think these images will resonate for decades.

New York Times' 9/11/03 Coverage — Every day, it seems, I am more and more impressed by this news site. The work is smart and spectacular.

TIME Magazine's New York Covers — All covers from the magazine's 80-year history are online and searchable. Here's the New York collection, which includes everyone from Mickey Mantle to Bernhard Goetz to Ed Koch.

3,021. They Died Every Way Imaginable

Review: Hooters of Manhattan

There are a lot of occasions being commemorated this year, including the 100th anniversaries of flight, Harley-Davidson, the Yankees and the World Series. Plus the 40th anniversary of JFK's death and the 25th anniversary of Bucky Dent's home run. But does anything compare to the 20th anniversary of the best thing to come out of Florida since Tino Martinez? You know what I'm talking about: Hooters, which first opened its doors in Clearwater back on Oct. 3, 1983. (This post obviously written early to capitalize on Google searches.)

Looking back on two decades of televised sports, chicken wings and scantily-clad women, I find myself thinking couldn't anyone have made a mint selling this? Amazingly, it took until Sept. 8, 1997, for Hooters to invade New York and perch itself on 56 Street between Seventh and Eighth Avenues, a convenient 15-minute walk from my apartment.

I stopped by this past Saturday and Sunday to catch some football and, although Hooters is regarded as a tourist joint, the place is comfortable, spacious and well-lit, without the sensory overload you find at many sports bars that look like a futuristic TV control room and are as loud as an airplane hangar.

The only drawback is that there weren't a lot of female customers. But there were a lot of hot broads walking around in tight, orange panties. So it's a pick 'em there. Prices for Sunday's NFL games are pretty standard: $14 for a pitcher of Bud or Bud Light, $8-11 for wings and other tasty bar fare, free downblouse glimpses at the waitress' cleavage. (The bonus is that even if she catches you, you're not ejected from the game.)

The first week of the NFL season is always a mess around here. Our Sunday waitress said there was a four-page waiting list to get a table for the opening week's 1 p.m. games, but my buddies were able to secure a long table for the 4 p.m. games without much of a problem. Looks like a new Sunday afternoon routine is born.

In Five Words or Less: Great Breasts. Chicken Ones, Too

Hooters Links:

Hooters of Texas Feature Girl Archive — I knew Texas would have some smoking waitresses. Check out Jacqueline. God almighty, I can order cheeseburgers from chicks like that? WTF?

Hooters Magazine Girl Galleries — There's some brunettes in there. You just have to find 'em. Like looking for Waldo, but more fun.

Hooters of Florida Sunrise Bikini Contest Pics — C'mon, these chicks aren't waitresses, right?

Google Image Search : Hooters — Another 18 gazillion pics of Hooters chicks and the sites that host them.

Hooters: A Case Study — Fortune reports on 20 years of financial success. As if I'm going to read something on Hooters.

'About Hooters' Company Page — I appreciate the honesty of the place. "Hooters characterizes itself as a neighborhood place, not a family restaurant. Seventy-percent of all customers are male, most between the ages of 25-54. Hooters does not market itself to families, but they do occasionally patronize the restaurants." Yeah, keep those damn kids at home, man. I'm trying to keep track of both the Giants and some chick's bouncing rack. I don't wanna have to listen to your little brat cry about his food.

How to Win at Blackjack and Pick Up at the Hotel Bar

ANYTHING for Dummies

If you asked 100 guys to name something you can find online, 99 of them will say porn. And I can't deny that there are some pictures of naked women on the off-ramps of cyberspace. (I have heard that this is indeed true.) But there is also a wealth of G- and PG-rated information out there to assist you in bettering your life.

Whatever your interests may be, from cooking to computing to amateur housewives sucking off delivery men for a few extra bucks a month collecting, being an all-around success has never been easier.

Useful Links:

How to Print Perfect Photographs — Tips from PCWorld.com on how best to turn your digital pics into art for your home or office. Even the close-up of that chick's ass at the club.

10 Ways To Start A Vacation Fling — AskMen.com with some advice on how to work your mojo abroad. Or domestically on a broad.

Blackjack Strategy Chart — Print out the decision-making chart that gives you the best odds. Showing 19 when the dealer has 20? Run!

Improve Your Golf Game — A wealth of instruction from the official PGA site. Tips on how to act really white not included.

Are You Using the Wrong Browser? — PCWorld.com suggests a couple of alternatives to the ubiquitous Internet Explorer.

How to Make an Annoying Web Page — Some of you have this one down pat.

How to Get Bad News to the Top — Tips on how bosses can encourage employees that communicating bad news is important, too. Especially if the boss is a Mets fan.

Which Energy Bar — If Any — Is Right for You? — They all taste like ass. You might as well put the correct turd-tasting brick in your mouth.

Common Mistakes Made During Interviews — Bagging on your old bosses? Not a good idea.

Mandarin Design Blog — Tons of valuable yet easy web-authoring tips and tricks, including a "For Dummies" template.

And finally, none other than supermodel Tyra Banks, who, in this week's People magazine, dispenses this advice about lingerie buying: "[Most] women wear the wrong bra size. They usually wear ones that are too small, and when your bra is too tight, you end up with four boobs because it cuts you in half."

A Week to Remember

In a book about how journalists spent Sept. 11, 2001, a female reporter recalls a homeless man in downtown New York asking her why she was crying. She pointed to the World Trade Center and said, "Look behind you. Look at what's happening."

"It's not the end of the world," he said.

Hey, for him it wasn't.

For so many, of course, it was. And the rest of us fall somewhere in between. How do we know, from the outside, where the needle falls for any given person?

In April 2002, I told a ticket agent at a small airport in New Jersey that the large image of lower Manhattan (with the Trade Center intact) in their waiting room was — well, I didn't know how to describe it, so I said "kinda tough" but the look on my face said World Trade Center in an airport? Are you insane? The woman told me they'd received a lot of compliments for keeping it up. I told her to count my vote, too. It was insensitive.

Things no one should have to see. I heard and read that description many times from witnesses, police officers and firemen. For them, this week is bound to be very different than for the person supervising the Teaneck Airport who thought that, yes, it was a good idea to have a huge picture of the World Trade Center displayed for a captive audience — in an airport's only seating area.

Whoever you are, however that day and the ensuing two years affected you, may you encounter sensitivity and freedom to reflect as you choose.

Sept. 11, 2001 Links:

The Center of the World — PBS' special chapter of New York: A Documentary Film examines the rise and fall the World Trade Center. It airs Monday, Sept. 8 at 9 p.m.

Newsweek Cover Story: New Heroes, New Victims — The story of 433 Americans who have died in the war against terror.

Why Haven't More Joined 9/11 Fund? — Families of 9/11 victims are running out of time to claim from the government's compensation fund. But while some have eased their objections to the program, many still can't decide what to do.

'Tribute in Light' Returns on Sept. 11 — The captivating light beams will be back for one night only.

Remains of Up to 1,000 Victims of WTC Attack Might Never Be Identified — The most powerful sentence in the story: "The highest number of body parts matched to one person is more than 200."

Dug in at Ground Zero — Daniel Libeskind wants to ensure his lofty design goes up, and down, according to plan.

The Hidden Hero of 9/11 — George Tamaro's sunken wall held back the waters at Ground Zero, then emerged to shape the memorial there.

Rare Tape of WTC Attack Surfaces — A Czech immigrant construction worker owns the only videotape known to have captured both planes slamming into the World Trade Center.

The Children of 9/11 — There are about 3,051 children who lost a parent, 2,172 of whom were 17 or younger that day.

Photos: Boston Red Sox at New York Yankees

When tickets to the 2003 Yankees season went on sale last December, I gobbled up four tickets to the Sept. 6 game against the Red Sox. A fall Saturday afternoon game against our most hated rivals? Where do I sign up?

Well, I signed up and, after an 11-0 drubbing in what may have been the last time I ever see Roger Clemens pitch, I'm wondering if it was the worst game I ever attended. My friends and I have concluded that seeing the Sox hit seven homers off David Wells et al. this summer was much more pleasant.

But at least I got these 17 pictures from the game.

New York Photography Links

Dara Kushner's Portfolio — A N.Y.-based chick's collection of rock 'n' rollers she's photographed.

Neeraj Engineer's NYC Nighttime Photos — My buddy's cool shots from his new Olympus C750-UZ with a 10x optical zoom.

Full Metal Rabbit — Another good friend's daily photoblog.

nyclondon.com — Amazing black and white photography by R. Gardiner. Collections include night photography, Grand Central and the World Trade Center.

So, Does This Atkins Stuff Work or What?

It seems like everyone I know who's tried a low-carb diet, such as the Atkins plan, has lost around 20 pounds in the first month. Time for me to give this a shot.

Starting Tuesday, Sept. 16 — the day after I drink a ton of beers at the Cowboys-Giants game — I'm gonna be doing Atkins. (Doing Atkins? I'm not sure I like the sound of that.)

I just got the book and, from what I understand from my so-far limited reading, I have to be very strict during the two-week Induction phase — during which I am allowed 20g of carbs per day, adding 5g per day with each passing week. So that means bacon and eggs for breakfast. Cheesesteaks with no bun for lunch. And some combination of meat, cheese, salad or fish for dinner. Looks like some multi-vitamin is part of the equation, too.

If anyone knows of a reason why I should not partake in this protein-fest — I'm thinking heart attacks might not be fun — please speak now or forever hold your peace.

Atkins Diet Links:

Transcript: Larry King Interviews Robert Atkins — Dr. Atkins fields common questions about his controversial diet plan.

Atkins Diet Public Forum — Success stories, Q&As, recipes and more from a very large community.

Amazon Reviews: Dr. Atkins' New Diet Revolution — Averages four out of five stars from 1,223 people.

Aktins Online Carb Counter — Do your research before putting things in your mouth. (This is generally good advice even when not referring to food.)

Atkins Diet Inspires Low-Carb Beers — I've tasted the Michelob Ultra stuff. I don't know if piss is as low in carbs, but it tastes better.

Head 2 Head: All-Time TV Diner

Here's how Head 2 Head works: I throw out a debate between two people, places or things, and you settle it by posting a comment.

Today's question: Which is television's greatest diner, Mel's or Arnold's? (Obviously, I am eliminating some worthwhile eateries: Monk's, The Peach Pit, The Maxx, but you'd have to be completely insane to rank them with these goldmines.)

Mel's Diner, chef Vic Tayback presiding
Pros: Even if you didn't want to go within 100 yards of Flo's grits, she still had the second-best catch-phrase in sitcom history (behind "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Willis?") ... Mel ran that joint as an entrepreneur should, with a booming voice, a sturdy spatula and a couple of huge pit stains ... The joint attracted about a dozen customers a week, and yet tips were plentiful enough to support three full-time waitresses and one of their kids.
Cons: The food, obviously. People knew better than to order more than a donut and coffee, and Mel couldn't even prepare that right. Maybe that pussy Henry ordered a cup of soup every now and then, but Mel's was really just a glorified Dunkin' Donuts. Or maybe a horrified Dunkin' Donuts.
• Sitcoms Online: Alice

Arnold's Diner, manager Al Molinaro and chef Pat Morita presiding
Pros: Has any burgers-and-milkshakes joint so dominated the social scene in a city as large as Milwaukee? First off, the coolest guy in the world kept an "office" there and went there every day to hang out with his nerd friends. Second, the place held concerts, because where else would you go to hear live music but a diner? Third, it was motorcycle-friendly. Can't squeeze the three-foot-wide hog in a parking spot outside? Drive the damn thing through the front door. Finally, the place was teeming with cheerleaders.
Cons: Wasn't a true representation of teen life, as the place lacked three key elements: alcohol, cigarettes and sex in a teen's favorite sexual position: regrettable ... Blatant caste system at the jukebox. Hey, if I'm paying a nickel a song, I don't want some 120-pound faux street tough waltzing in and playing his sappy Everly Brothers shit for free.
• Sitcoms Online: Happy Days
• Happy Days All-Star Softball Team

Why Is This Handicapper Calling Me a Geek?

Sunday I heard a radio interview with ESPN NFL analyst Hank Goldberg in which he delivered a tip for "the geeks who play fantasy football." I guess he means me.

Forget for a minute what bad practice it is to insult the sizable percentage of a sports radio listening audience who actually do participate in the booming fantasy sports industry. Rather, let's focus on how Hank Goldberg makes a living: in part by delivering gambling advice on a national cable TV network, even though betting on pro football is legal in only one sparsely populated state.

I guess that's cool. Letting the college tuition fund ride on the over/under of the Bears-Packers game. A lot less geeky than the annual fantasy football draft I host for my best friends: New York lawyers, writers and financial analysts whom I have known for half my life. Our prep time took as long as it takes to print out the standard cheat sheets on the major sports sites, including ESPN.com, which can't pump up enough its fantasy sports tools for the, um, geeks.

Shame on us for spending 10 minutes a week setting a lineup, then meeting at the bar on Sunday to yuk it up and watch games that ordinarily would have little interest for us. Which is, of course, the reason people often give for gambling. The difference is that Hank's preferred industry is conducted by-and-large illegally. But we're the geeks.

NFL Preview Links:

10 Can't-Miss Games — I've written this column for work the last couple of years. Can't believe I forget to do it for 2003. For me, about 80% of NFL games are can't-miss.

Pete Prisco's Power Rankings — The champs get the top spot for now. Giants start at No. 10, with the closest challengers to the top being the Rams, Eagles and Peerless Price-less Bills.

Gil Brandt's Tid-Bits — One of the more insightful personalities online, Brandt was director of player personnel for Tom Landry's Cowboys. A class act to boot.

2003 NFL Prime-Time Schedule — Marquee matchups abound. Great nights to be out at the bars. Or, if your team is, like mine, playing one of them in New Orleans, you make vacation plans for what's going to be a wild weekend in December.

First person: Art Modell — The soon-to-be-retiring owner of the Baltimore Ravens reflects on more than 40 years in the NFL.

The Wait Is Over. National Chicken Month Is Here

Being that it's coming off the worst month of my life, I am welcoming September 2003 with open arms. And that's before I found out September is National Biscuit Month.

But that's not all. Take a look at all the celebrations going on in September.

It's Be Kind to Editors and Writers Month, National Biscuit Month, National Chicken Month and National Rice Month. Whew.

Among the weekly observations in September: Improve Your Home Office Week, Protecting Your Home Furnishings Week, National Food Service Employees Week and National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week. And don't forget Fight Procrastination Day, Swap Ideas Day and Be Late for Something Day.

It's also Childhood Cancer Month, but that doesn't sound as fun.

Well, we're in for quite a month. And here all I was hoping for was the elimination of the Red Sox from playoff contention. I'd say the same for the Mets, but that occurred in May.

Other Web Finds:

Madonna/Britney Kiss Video — Get it while it's hot.

Take It Or Leave It: The Only Guide to Negotiating You Will Ever Need — The subhead on this Inc. feature says it all: If you want to be a better negotiator, you can buy 24 books, take 12 courses, and attend 7 seminars — or, you can read this article.

Avril Says Yes to Crack — The teeny pop/punk singer exposes her tuchus a bit on stage. It's kind of an old pic so I'm guessing the image has already been masturbated to about a million times by high-school and college-aged boys.

Rugby Site's Separated at Birth Gallery — I don't know any of these chaps, but some of the resemblances are funny. The same guy looks just like John Rocker and some dude in a grocery ad.

Lisa Guerrero Shrine — Stalker-like ode to the newest Monday Night Football cheesecake sideline reporter. Check out this pic from her appearance in Batman Returns. I like her better with tan lines on her breasts.

My Day Atop the Empire State Building

Sunday was a really nice day in the Big Apple, so I made like a tourist, as I often do, and enjoyed one of the things that makes New York not only original but great: the view from one of the world's most recognizable buildings, the Empire State Building (official site).

The 86th-floor observation deck sits more than 1,000 feet above street level — and street-meat level. For $10, you get to wait — and wait — for about 45 minutes as you go through security, a ticket line and two elevator trips ... for a chance to relish the skyline with plenty of tourists whose B.O. was kickin' like Beckham.

But it was totally worth it. When people ask what they should do in New York, I tell 'em don't forget the obvious. There's a reason the Empire State Building observatories cater to 3.2 million people a year.
Here are 22 pictures I took today.

Other New York Links

N.Y. Leads Nation in Job Losses — In New York City, more than 240,000 jobs have been lost since December 2000. The state has lost 265,000 since March 2001.

Newsday's Central Park Guide — With this being the 150th anniversary of the famed oasis, learn about the park's history and present. I'm lucky enough to play softball on the Great Lawn once a week in the summer. And unlucky enough to break my thumb in a game a month ago and miss the championship, in which we drilled the New York Times, 19-4.