PaulKatcher.com

Review: The Muppets Take Manhattan

I love Muppets. I love Manhattan. Put 'em together, you get one so-so movie.

Oh, I dug the corny jokes. I was wowed by cameo appearances from such 1984 A-listers as Dabney Coleman, Linda Lavin and James Coco. But in the end, this was just a love story about a pig and a frog. Yuck.

It was bad enough to hear Miss Piggy mention marriage to Kermit — a playa if there ever was one — but when she talked about having children, I almost Rowlfed. The image in my head of skinny-assed Kermit mounting that fat slut is going to stick with me for awhile.

Elsewhere in the movie, Fozzie was getting spooned by a BBB (big, beautiful bear), Gonzo was lusting after chickens, and Rowlf was making nice with some bitch who got dropped off in the dog kennel. It was an animal love-fest.

If you could get past all this Discovery Channel footage, the plot wasn't half bad. The Muppets graduate from college and, in an effort to stay together, Kermit suggests they shove off to the Big Apple find a producer to put their musical, Manhattan Melodies, on Broadway. (Apparently there weren't enough gay men in their college town to support the show there.)

Things don't go as smoothly as planned. Kermit has a hard time selling the script and the sap-a-thon begins. Kermit thinks he's failing his Muppet friends, the rest of the gang thinks they're a burden on Kermit, and everyone leaves town, except Piggy, who gets robbed in Central Park by a white purse-snatcher wearing khakis and a polo, and Kermit, who gets run over by a white cab driver.

The blow causes Kermit to suffer from amnesia and forget his identity and friends. Nurse Lavin explains that since he was wearing no clothes at the time of the accident, she checked all the nudist colonies in the area, and he's some Italian dude from Passaic, N.J. Meanwhile, the script is picked up by a young producer, and the Muppets are summoned back to New York for the premiere. But no one can find the star! Just before the curtain goes up, the Muppets find Kemit in his new role as an advertising exec who made a mint for Ocean Breeze soap, and his memory is restored after Miss Piggy wallops him for making pig jokes.

In the musical, Kermit and Piggy tie the knot. I got dry heaves from it.

Grade: B-

In Five Words or Less: Like Bestiality? You'll Love This

The Muppets Take Manhattan Links:

• IMDB: The Muppets Take Manhattan
• The Muppets Take Manhattan Items on eBay
• Lyrics to Songs in The Muppets Take Manhattan
• Listen Now: Muppet Central Radio

Review: MTV Video Music Awards 2003

(First things first. I work across the street from Radio City Music Hall on Sixth Avenue and hoped to score some decent pre-show pics, but this year MTV moved the red carpet to the center of Rockefeller Center, so I have but a few shots of the street scene, away from the action.)

Now for the review:

Chris Rock's Monologue: Dynamite. The guy is a pro, and he took hard shots at P. Diddy and R. Kelly. Best bit was about Janet Jackson trading down and dating Jermaine DuPree. "That means we all had a shot. That's like finding out about a sale a day or two late. You mean they were selling Bentleys for $4? Damn!"

Madonna: Coolest entertainer ever. Every chick loves her. Straight guys think she's hot. Gay guys think she's hotter. I can't even think of who might be in her class of being so universally adored. Not Sinatra. Not Elvis. The Stones are lampooned on a daily basis. Maybe McCartney, but I don't think black folks revere him. Post-mullet Bono might be the current male cool-guy champ. Emimen is respected but I'm still waiting for someone to explain to me the genius tag.

Britney Spears: Playboy layout in 5-10 years, guaranteed, for my favorite music sexpot. (No, wait, Alyssa Milano did that Teen Steam thing.) Sharing the stage with Madonna was an agent's dream. Was nice to hear her actually sing for a change. Nicer still to see the opened-mouth kiss with Madonna.

N*SNYC, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, O-Town: Guess they're all finished now. Zero presence, aside from Justin solo, which doesn't count. Now is not the time to assemble the next great boy band.

Rock 'N' Roll: Was there any? I saw a punk band (Good Charlotte), a metal band (Metallica) and a touchy-feely band (Coldplay). The rap music is OK, but I think that industry is quite selfish. I don't see an appreciation for the art of music, not when there's a diamond necklace to sport or an ass to tap. So many videos are the same. Urbanites in sports jerseys, sloppy clothes, bling-bling everywhere, lots of hired ho's, lots of braggadocios rhymes and little of it insightful, pretty, intelligent, inspiring or interesting.

Funniest Moment: Jack Black being called out for his birthday and erroneously accepting the award for Most Amazing Genius of All-Time, mocking Michael Jackson, who thought he was accepting an Artist of the Millennium award last year, when he was only being given a birthday cake.

MTV Awards in General: I'm not a big celebrity guy, but I know MTV is gonna do something every year to make it worth watching. The Academy Awards couldn't take its own frivolous industry more seriously — it's acting, not medicine — and the ESPYs is sickening in its constant self-promotion of the Disney empire. For what it's worth, MTV was 10 years ahead of its time with reality programming (Real World) and it does know how to deliver programming other than videos. Plus, some chick always sluts it up on stage.

Ronald McDonald vs. Ronald Reagan: Who's Got More Stroke?

Katcher isn't the most familiar last name in the world. In fact, according to a surname popularity index, it ranks 45,111th in the U.S. Still, I have a Navin Johnson-like appreciation for the fact that a Google search for Katcher lists me at the top.

My main competitors for the top spot are: 2) Key Katcher, a computer-related device that monitors keystrokes; 3) Metal-Katcher Co, Inc., a a leading manufacturer of permanent magnetic separators, magnetic sweepers and magnetic material handling equipment since 1951; and 4) Manko, Gold, Katcher & Fox, LLP, environmental land use attorneys. Unless one of those lawyers goes on a serial-killing spree, I think that top spot is mine for awhile.

I conducted some Google searches of more familiar names and the results are interesting. (Links are to Google searches of those names.)

Michael — Michael Moore's official site, which is often updated with commentary and news links, tops that of Michael Jordan. Michael Jackson comes in at No. 8, a few notches below contemporary Christian singer/songwriter Michael W. Smith.

Ronald — McDonald at 1, Reagan at 2.

Johnson — Johnson & Johnson gets the top spot, followed by the Johnson Space Center in Houston. A blog by a guy named Steven Berlin Johnson ranks ahead of any site dedicated to former president LBJ (not counting the Space Center).

Paul — Minneapolis/St. Paul, followed by the J. Paul Getty Museum. Simon over McCartney. Katcher nowhere to be found.

Williams — Williams College at No. 1, followed closely by Sherwin-Williams and Williams-Sonoma. Among people, it's Robbie, Tad (not Ted), Lucinda, Tennessee, Hank Jr., Montel and Robin before any mention of the Splendid Splinter.

David — Letterman isn't just chasing Leno. Here he's at No. 2, right behind Bowie.

King — Steven King over Burger King. Martin Luther King Jr. behind a radio station and TV station.

Hey Baby, Wanna Go Halfsies on a Bastard Child?

It used to be that a guy could pick up women the old-fashioned way — by getting them drunk. Now, apparently, some chit-chat is required. Bummer, I know.

But by studying the winners of the Nerve.com pickup line contest, you can learn the habits of highly effective womanizers, setting you on an expedited course to the shag shack without even pretending to care that she got her bachelor's degree a semester early.

Check out these winners:

• (To a woman holding a baby) "So, I see you like to fuck."

• "You are the most interesting piece of ass I've talked to all evening."

Wow, I can't wait to use these next time I'm so drunk I can't see my hands ... and when I'm 1,000% sure there's no boyfriend in sight.

Ladies, don't miss this page of pickup line comebacks. Next time a guy asks if he's seen you somewhere before, tell him, "yes, and that's why I never go there anymore."

Other Web Finds:

Video From Carson Daly's Roast — You gotta watch the Britney Spears clip just to see her deliver comedy. I dare you to try to laugh. The Jimmy Kimmel bit is funny, of course.

Oops! I Crapped My Pants — Transcript and video of one of the funniest Saturday Night Live commercial parodies. Right up there with Colon Blow and Schmitt's Gay. Now imagine this pitcher of tea is really a gallon of your feces.

Greg's Digital Retouching Portfolio — Before and after pics posted, with commentary, by a retouching pro. Great stuff. Don't miss these shots of models: One | Two

Random Personal Picture Finder — A tool allows you to quickly search Google Images for online files named exactly as digital cameras spit them out. I've long known this was a fun way to find goofy party and vacation pics.

Pac-Man Flash Game — Play a Hall of Fame arcade game in your browser. Points double if you play during work hours.

You Chicks Into Younger Men?

The past week has been one of bittersweet reflection for my family. During that time, I found these gems from my past:

The 411: Me, 6, and My Brother, 8, in Orlando, Fla., 1979
The Good: A hot broad with a big rack must've just walked by, 'cause I'm performing the ol' neck-breaker, construction worker style.
The Bad: My chariot awaits: a wood-paneled station wagon. (I think we had a red one back in New York. I know we didn't drive it down to Mickeytown.)
The Ugly: Not much, man. That ain't a bad looking kid considering this was the Village People era.

The 411: Me, 14, in Pelham Manor, N.Y., 1987
The Good: Proudly backing Big Blue in its quest to return to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately, the Redskins and Broncos were "San Diego Bound," but at least LT got to have fun with his coke.
The Bad: No porn yet for the Commodore 64.
The Ugly: Gray sweats/apparent elephantitis of the right leg/fist pump above my package. Take your pick.

The 411: Me and My Brother, Some Beach, Circa 1976
The Good: My super-friendly bro still throws his arms around people in that "Friends Forever" way.
The Bad: Where's my hair? And who dressed me in a striped shirt, plaid pants and a mustard-colored sweater? How did my parents get away with this shit? Where was social services?
The Ugly: Mets cap. METS CAP!!! What the fuck?! Must've been a recruitment ploy by Queens-bred grandpa, but Bronx-raised dad took me to my first game at Yankee Stadium on Bat Day in 1980 (Tom Underwood on the mound for the Bombers). I don't want to hear any front-runner shit.

Pics From a Perfect Day in NYC

I posted 15 pictures from my afternoon trek downtown with a couple of buds to enjoy the fabulous Saturday weather. Many are the familiar Brooklyn Bridge variety, but it's hard to resist taking them.

Other New York Links:

NYC Slips to World's Fourth Most Expensive City — Oslo, Hong Kong and Tokyo rank Nos. 1-3, which is great news, considering I have no desire to visit any of those places.

The Astor Cube Prank — Story and pics about an NYC landmark turned oversized Rubik's Cube. On display for one day only.

Neeraj Engineer's Blog — A politics-heavy blog that comes highly recommended. And this is an amazing coincidence: Neeraj happens to be one of my best friends.

Do We Need World Championships for 12-Year-Olds?

Thursday night I watched a dramatic, nationally televised tournament baseball game as compelling as any played in last year's World Series (a.k.a. Fluke 2002). Emotions ran high in the U.S. semifinal of the Little League World Series, and I was left with the same filmy, voyeuristic guilt that comes from watching a cheap reality TV show.

When the team from Saugus, Mass., held its eight-run lead, the players from Richmond, Texas, were crying. When Richmond tied and eventually took a three-run lead, Saugus players were crying. When Saugus stormed back to score four in the bottom of the seventh to win, Richmond players were crying. (It really could have been worse, too. It looked like Richmond got hosed on a call at first to end the game. ESPN curiously showed the replay once and didn't slow the tape or comment. Can't believe one of the big freak kids didn't give the ump a wedgie.)

So who exactly is this level of competition good for?

I'm far from a child-rearing expert. My only advice for parents is to keep your kids the hell out of restaurants I'm eating in, but the sorry feeling I have for the losing team in Little League World Series games always trumps the good feeling I have for the victors.

Is something wrong with any game guaranteed to draw a river of tears? Would it suffice for each town to have its own league tournament and end it there? Are these packs of pre-teens generally on the road to being well-rounded young men, or are they on a more narrow path that may not benefit them or society?

Or is it all just clean fun?

Other Sports Links:

Bonds All-Time HR King? Don't Count On It — ESPN's Jayson Stark does the match and contends that Hank Aaron is relatively safe. Hammerin' Hank: most underrated athlete of all time?

Bookies in Exile — The New York Times Magazine goes inside the world off offshore online gambling, and the American entrepreneurs who can't return home.

David Boston: The $200,000 Man — Wanna know how you get an Adonis-type body like the San Diego Chargers wideout? Spend 200 grand annually on nutrition and training, and maintain a workout schedule that leaves room for little else.

'Hungry' Journeyman Buice Enjoys His Millions — Former Angels pitcher DeWayne Buice struck gold when he invested in the Upper Deck trading card company. Now he uses his millions to keep doing what he enjoys most: pitching.

Stanley Katcher: 1934-2003

There's rarely a day when I don't feel like the luckiest S.O.B. alive. The man most responsible for what I call my good fortune — more accurately his hard work — died Friday. My father was 68.

For 30 years, I've lived a life so blessed it's almost embarrassing. That's 19 more than he enjoyed with his own father, who died and left a wife, a one-year-old baby boy and my then-11-year-old pop.

I can't think of a tougher spot for an 11-year-old to ascend from. But the Bronx kid who didn't have a college degree would one day marry a Queens gal who did, raise two boys in upscale Pelham Manor, N.Y., and drive daily to his self-made printing business on Varick Street in downtown Manhattan. Funny, though, I heard a lot more stories about food, wine and business lunches than I ever did about the printing part.

We didn't have the mushiest relationship, but nobody could choke me up quicker than my dad. He told me that after he and my brother dropped me off at Syracuse University — my first time away from home — he cried. My dad cried? Over me?

In private, he would tell me how great a mother his wife is and what an amazing person my brother is. How he loved his own brother, his best friend. And he told me he loved me. All I ever wanted to do was make him proud.

My dad was a fair man. He never said a bad word about minorities. His business contacts became his dinner buddies; they were male, female, straight, gay, black, white. And I never saw him screw anyone out of a nickel.

In the past few years, his body betrayed him. It wasn't fair what was happening to him, bedridden for days then feeling fine, with no one able to find a cure. I hope that at this moment he is at peace. He deserves the best.

I love you, dad. I miss you. And thanks for this life you made for me. It's a home run pitch floating right down the middle. I'm still gonna make you proud.

Once You Go Black, It's Hard Going Back

Talk about good luck. Just before the Homer Simpson of the electrical world shut down power to tens of millions of people — seriously, we gotta find out who hit the DO NOT PUSH button — our small work group of mostly non-drinkers was served a case of beer on ice for our departing photo editor's send-off. So I was buzzin' even before walking down 23 flights of stairs to Sixth Avenue.

Grabbed a beer at an outdoor bar for the 20-block walk home, scaled 11 flights of pitch-black stairs up and down to grab my camera and headed straight to Yogi's, where I met a friend. (See my pictures from Blackout 2003.) The jukebox was down, but our spirits were up and the beer was plentiful and cold on ice. The crowd supplied the music, singing Thunder Road, Friends in Low Places and the theme to The Jeffersons.

We then went to my favorite Upper West Side bar, Harrison's, where most of the crowd was drinking on the sidewalk. When discussing the possibility of looting, the owner told me a story about how he was shot when one of his bars was robbed. He then shot and killed one of the vermin.

Next stop Boubon Street (the bar, not the New Orleans puke factory), then to Gray's Papaya around 1 a.m. — shit, this is starting to sound like a regular night — before ascending another 11 flights of stairs to my steamy apartment, stripping off my sweat-soaked clothes and passing out ass-wasted.

Overall, I kinda enjoyed the blackout. It's always interesting to see how people react when society as we know it takes one on the chin. I saw good smaratins directing traffic in their work clothes, serving food on sidewalks and coming into bars with guitars. And there were a few Chicken Littles and moaners. There were a lot of people in tough spots — the sick, the handicapped, those trapped underground, in elevators or far from their homes — but for me it was just a hot hassle. And not much of one at that.

• New York Times' Complete Blackout Coverage

Beat This Caption: Christmas Condoms

I can't settle on just one:

* "Saaaanta Claus is cumming to town!"

* "Bored with chimneys, Santa plans to use the back door this year."

(To beat these captions, click "Post a Comment" below.)

Review: September 2003 Issue of FHM

When I retrieved the current issue of FHM out of my mailbox, I nearly dropped to my knees. There she was in all her bronzed glory, the best thing to come out of Wycoff, N.J., Tara Reid, one of my Top 5 favorite babes of all time (trailing Alyssa Milano, Nicole Eggert, Liz Hurley and Heidi Klum).

I'm trying to think where this ranks among my favorite magazine covers of all time, but I'm not ESPN.com's Sports Guy, who remembers every fucking thing that he's ever seen. Off the top of my head, the three coolest magazine covers in my possession are Michael Jordan's first Sporting News, Larry Bird's first Sports Illustrated and Magic Johnson's first Sports Illustrated. Love the concept covers. Now everything's an action shot. But I digress.

Back to Tara Reid's breasts. I figured that FHM would not waste such a cover if only crappy content resided inside. Let's see if I was right:

Page 32 - Letters: — Kyle Boorstyn from Atlanta writes in to bitch at FHM for not giving enough credit to mailroom workers. "It's a tough job," he says. (I'll write something after I get done laughing.)

Page 32 - More Letters: — Joe Margiottiello of Brooklyn sends in a picture of a large tattoo he got of December 2002 lingerie model Vida. Dude, wait till you see the December 2003 issue!

Page 48 - Hometown Honey: — Looking hot and somewhat store-bought in her sky-blue bikini, Olivia Wellington of Miami, Fla., brags on South Beach's Fourth Street Beach as the place where "we can sunbathe topless." There and the rest of the damn beach. That's why I call it the World's Largest Outdoor Free-Admission Strip Club. But seriously, the guys with video cameras are too skeevy for even my tastes.

Page 58 - Ask Jenna and Isaac: — A best man in Virginia asks advice after the groom-to-be's fiancé has forbidden strippers from the bachelor party. Ted Lange says get strippers anyway. Jenna Jameson says go for hookers.

Page 58 - 100 Women Can't Be Wrong: — Eighteen out of 100 women would have sex with John Madden for $1 million dollars. I will now take a 10-minute break to vomit.

Page 84 - Simeon Rice Interview: — The Buccaneers DE says that he is "definitely not freeballing" on the field because his "nuts are precious." I read in Tim Green's The Dark Side of the Game that NFL players abandon jockstraps to save speed. He later affirmed that in an interview with me.

Page 114 - 20 Best Places to Be on Football Gameday: — Seeing LSU's Tiger Stadium at No. 8 reminds me of a great quote an opposing coach once made about playing night games there. The toughest part, he said, was not being able to see the whiskey bottles flying at you.

Page 128 - Tara Reid Photo Spread: — Eight pages of T&A.

Page 136 - George Maloof, Jr. Interview: — The owner of the Palms casino and Sacramento Kings says NBA players stay at his place. He also says the place makes six figures a month off ATM fees and that Suge Knight was a helluva college football teammate at UNLV.

Page 169 - Ultimate Sunday Gadgets: — Bushnell's Image View binoculars feature 10x magnification and can take up to 80 digital pics. This product is reviewed under the guise of a "sports fan's" gadget.

Page 169 - Bobby Abreu's Workout: — Ham-and-eggers see David Wells and think baseball isn't very physically demanding. Till they read stuff like the Phillies outfielder's bench press workout: "Three sets of 12 reps, maxing out at 405 pounds." And this is a guy who's averaged over 30 steals over the past four seasons.

Paul's Recap: Wow, what an issue! You can see why Wal-Mart is terrified of selling it. Imagine how twisted this world would be if young people had access to Simeon Rice's brain and reviews of picture-taking binoculars.

In Five Words or Less: Tara Reid Beats Robert Reed

Roundup: Sports Writers Go on the Assault

Monday always means great sports commentary, because athletes have had all weekend to do dumb things. Let's check in on some of this week's interesting commentary:

• Peter King vs. Emmitt Smith — Sports Illustrated's NFL writer has a bone to pick with the NFL's all-time leading rusher, who King claims is trying to backtrack on his comments about the punchless Cowboys. Worse, King says, Smith is laying blame on a writer (King) with an agenda. (See item No. 5 of 10 Things I Think section.) King's MMQB is my favorite sports column, online or otherwise. The anti-Vitale, the anti-Madden, King delivers real insights and takes readers into locker rooms and executive offices every week — and his terrible predictions nearly single-handedly ruined my fantasy football team last season.

• Dave Kindred vs. Mark Cuban — The Sporting News' Kindred thinks he's refuting Cuban when he writes "[Kobe Bryant's arrest on sexual assault charges is] not entertainment to be packaged, marketed and sold." No shit, Sherlock. Cuban didn't say it was. He said that the media frenzy caused by this one instance will affect positively the NBA's bottom line. I couldn't agree more, and I'm so fired up by people looking to paint Cuban as a sadistic supporter of raping and pillaging for profit that I'm ready to fight for the guy. This is a pile-on by media professionals who know for absolute certain the broad monetary effect of such a circus.

• Phil Mushnick vs. N.Y. Jets — Halfway through his mostly-media-but-he'll-bitch-about-anything column, the New York Post's Mushnick notes that the Jets are "charging/extorting $50 per year to be on their season-tickets waiting list." Unreal, but if people are willing to pay for it, why shouldn't the Jets do it?

• Phil Taylor vs. Jeremy Shockey — Getting past the "homo" stuff, Sports Illustrated's writer at-large calls out the Giants tight end for having "conveniently ignored the fact that he had originally denied ever saying the offending word in the interview." Apparently, No. 80 in your scorebook and No. 1 in your hearts is not only stupid but a liar.

• Phil Mushnick vs. Philadelphia Eagles — A Sunday bonus! Mushnick gets on the team the Giants will beat for the NFC East title for disallowing outside food and beverage due to supposed security reasons. Commenting on accusations that the club is tastelessly trying to inflate concession stand profits, Eagles president Joe Banner says, "It is patently irresponsible in this day and age to question the motives behind a policy driven by and recommended by security experts."

Review: Reno 911!

It takes a lot for a comedic work to impress me more than burping puppets or porn stars cleaning candlesticks, but I have found a show that makes me laugh out loud more than Comedy Central's Crank Yankers and The Man Show: the network's newest police series, Reno 911!.

The best way to describe the show is that it takes the white-trash train-wreck attraction of Cops and the cool uniforms of CHiPs, and adds great writing and a cleverly designed cast (reminiscent of Police Academy) to those shows' ample amount of unintentional comedy.

The show looks like it costs less to produce than an IKEA CD rack, but the jokes are sharp and delivered with perfect timing. So far, the highlight has been the scavenger hunt the officers participated in to win two tickets to an execution or, as one officer put it, "like front-row tickets to NASCAR where you know Jeff Gordon is gonna die." Points were awarded for legitimate arrests made on perps over 6'-5", ones with animal tattoos, men with "teats," crackheads wearing wigs and the best-looking hooker. Points were doubled if said arrestees were Jewish. Hilarity ensued: baiting tall delivery men into committing a crime, applying makeup to a street walker before hauling her in, and the ethical debate of planting crack on a wig-wearing grandma.

The only demerits were the endless promos for the Dennis Leary roast and the "new" Man Show with a couple of hosts that seem too snide to carry on the good-natured vibe of Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Corrolla.

In Five Words or Less: Mahoney, Tackleberry Would Be Proud

Is Jeremy Shockey Any Better Than John Rocker?

When John Rocker made his inflammatory comments against gays and foreigners in 1999, I wasn't all that upset. He's just one guy, and certainly not one who wields any political or social influence. I was ticked, however, when Braves fans gave him a standing ovation upon returning from suspension. They could have done much better as free and equal humans, I thought, but then again we're barely two generations removed from when 10,000 National Guardsmen were called in to help desegregate Little Rock Central High School. Fact is, I don't expect a lot from the South.

And now one of my favorite football players, Giants tight end Jeremy Shockey, is calling Bill Parcells a "homo" like a high school punk too young to know that some of his friends are homosexual or, worse, like a piece of white trash who will someday commit a hate crime against them.

So do I wear his jersey when the season opens or not?

I guess I will. If I had to make an argument for him, I'd say that he might not be admonishing the lifestyle, rather simply lacking in having an arsenal of put-downs that do not take into consideration sexual orientation; like dolt, stooge, boner, nimrod, etc. It's easier, of course, to not make an argument for him, but that damn jersey cost me like $75 and we haven't had a good tight end since Mark Bavaro. So, reluctantly, I say Go Shockey (My Favorite Tight End Who Is Oklahoma-Bred White Trash In My Eyes Till He Proves Otherwise)!

Other Sports Links:

FAQ on the Kobe Case — What are the odds the case will go to trial? Can he plead guilty to a lesser charge? Will he take the stand? Get your answers here.

2003 Preseason College Football Consensus — Preseason rankings of 10 sources are charted. Oklahoma gets top billing, with three Big East teams among the Top 10.

Major Leaguer's Spout on League's Top Relievers — NLers fear Smoltz. ALers hate to see Mariano. And only Rickey could bring up a name like Goose Gossage in 2003.

Full Disclosure: Actress/Model Shaune Bagwell

I don't remember the name of every hot broad I've linked to on this site, but when I got an e-mail the other day from Shaune Bagwell, I immediately recognized who it was. An all-time PK.com favorite, to say the least. (Watch this Flash movie and you'll see why.) Shaune was kind enough to do an interview for the site, answering my questions on modeling in the Internet age, game shows and Turkish prisons...

1. What were your goals for ShauneBagwell.com when it started and how's it going so far?
I didn't really know what to do with my website when I started it in 1999. Originally, I thought that I would put my modeling portfolio and my résumé online and that would be it. Then someone suggested that I sell posters, photos, memorabilia and autographed items. I like the idea of having a store, and also a members area, but I know that this will take a certain amount of commitment on my part, and I have been too busy to dedicate myself fully.

2. Are you hands-on when it comes to the site's content, or do you have a staff that takes care of the edit and production issues?
A staff? No, I don't have a staff. In fact, I don't have Staph. I just have one webmaster, Ken, who recently moved to Istanbul. He left me to fend for myself, and I haven't yet found a new webmaster. My site needs an update.

3. Are you a 'Net junkie in general?
I do love to surf the 'Net, and sometimes when I can't sleep, I'll check out random sites. I like The Smoking Gun, Drudge Report and, of course, PaulKatcher.com. I'm also always checking my e-mail, whenever I have a spare moment.

4. In what ways do you think the Internet has changed the modeling and acting industries?
It's made it easier in many ways. Now agents don't have to send in actors' photos to be considered for a job. They just e-mail them the submissions in five minutes. In modeling, it used to be much harder. Now every girl with a website and five photos is a model.

5. In a recent listing of "20 things you should know about me but were too afraid to ask" you say, "The best thing about guys is the way that they smell." You haven't met my friend Brian, have you?
No, does he stink?

6. There's a "Coming Soon" notice on your website shopping area. What do you plan to sell when it opens?
Well, I will tell you it won't be panties that I've worn on some shoot. I think that's downright creepy.

7. How do you position yourself as more than just a pretty face in a Hollywood scene that so often is only skin deep?
One of the things that I love about Hollywood so much is that you don't have to be beautiful to work. Maybe to be a big star, but all I want to do is be busy. I think stardom is overrated, I believe it screws up your head. I would rather be an unknown, working actress.

<8. Among your Hollywood credits is co-host of "The Most Outrageous Game Show Moments." Aside from clips of The Match Game cast wasted off its ass, what was some of the show's funniest content?
This project was a blast to work on because we worked with Monty Hall and Bob Eubanks, two pioneers of game shows. I made friends with Monty Hall and even met his wife. Monty and I were at the same Friar's club roast last October, and we kept sneaking out to the hall to watch Game 7 of the World Series. We missed the whole roast because we were watching the game! I'll always remember that because I saw the Angels capture the title with Monty. Most Outrageous Gameshow Moments had some hilarious tape from The Dating Game, and it was cool because I got a taste of what life was like in the '70s. We shot everything on Venice Beach and it was totally freezing in a bikini. (I was wearing the bikini, not Monty and Bob.)

9. How do you feel about nude modeling? (For you, I'm totally in favor of it.)
I'm not opposed to it, but I haven't yet found an offer that I like. A photo of me was in the January 2003 Playboy, a fully clothed, red carpet photo. I like to tell people I've been in Playboy, and they think I'm a Playmate, then I tell them the disappointing truth!

10. Modeling and acting gigs have taken you all over the country. What cities do you most enjoy working in?
I miss Texas so much, so I love going back to Dallas or Houston. I also love all of the hot places: Atlanta, Miami, Phoenix, or anywhere tropical that has a great beach. Out of the U.S., Paris is the best.

11. Have you ever been to a Turkish prison?
Wait, do they have a modeling market there? My webmaster is in Istanbul, I'll ask him. Um, that line is from Airplane!, right? That's a great movie. Remember when they ran out of coffee in Airplane II, and a fight broke out in the cabin?

12. So what's next for your career, and what's the best way to keep up with what you're up to?
Keep checking my website for the latest news, appearances, and photos. Your website rocks, Paul! Thanks again!

Paul's Recap: Wow, who knew Monty Hall was such a baseball buff? Thanks to Shaune giving us a glimpse into Hollywood, being a good sport and, most importantly, revealing her desire to find the right nude modeling offer. Someone get on that pronto. You webmasters might also drop her a note about your rates (free), fees (free) and conditions (none) and get ShauneBagwell.com running on all cylinders. Hell, it's better than working on your Black Sabbath tribute site.

And I regret interviewing Shaune before I could get her reaction to the news that Gary Coleman is running for governor of California.

Want to be interviewed for a future edition of PK.com's Full Disclosure? E-mail Paul.

Hey, You're Derek Jeter! (And You're Hitting .326!)

It always cracks me up when people get down on Derek Jeter. Earlier this year the so-anti-Yankees-it's-beyond-ridiculous ESPN Page 2 ranked him as the third-most overrated current athlete, citing his $19 million-a-year contract (that I am more than happy to help finance), supposed defensive liability (love it when Neanderthal fans bring up sexual orientation and fielding range) and the fact that his performance has slipped every year since 1999 (except for this year).

Tuesday night Derek Jeter hit two classic opposite-field home runs, raised his batting average to .326 (only a few AL hitters can claim better) and led his team to victory in front of 40,604 fans (a number unheard of for an early weeknight before the Jeter era).

His career batting average entering 2003 was .317, sixth among active players. He own a World Series MVP, an All-Star Game MVP, has finished among the top 10 in AL MVP voting four times, is a five-time All-Star and has scored more than 100 runs seven years running. (Career stats.)

Clutch player? The moments come to mind quicker than I can type them: the Jeffrey Maier HR, the leadoff HR in Game 4 of the 2000 World Series, the relay flip to Posada against the A's, the up-ending catch in foul territory at the Stadium, the Mr. November HR. Try that game with any other active player. I'll even throw in regular season.

There isn't a single MLB roster without room for Derek Jeter. Seriously, the doubters sound a lot smarter when they call him a "homo."

Other Sports Links:

Cuban's Insanity Apparently Isn't Temporary — Mavericks owner Mark Cuban says the media frenzy surrounding the Kobe Bryant case can only help the NBA financially. I have historically agreed with this guy and I do now.

Meet the Ump With One Eye — He calls 'em like he (almost) sees 'em.

The Greatest College Football Player Ever

The other day I came across College Football News' ranking of the 100 greatest college football players of all time. My first reaction was, there's no way in hell 15 players were better than Barry Sanders.

I know he started only one season — waiting his turn behind Thurman Thomas before taking over as Oklahoma State's lead back in 1988 — but when you set 25 NCAA records in one year, including season marks for touchdowns (39), rushing yards (2,628) and all-purpose yards (3,249), average 7.6 yards per carry, rush for more than 300 yards in a game four times, score five touchdowns in a bowl game rout and have the Heisman Trophy wrapped up by Halloween, you deserve to be called the greatest. Or at least better than Deion Sanders.

C'mon, Deion Sanders at No. 8? Let me tell you something: If two recruits come for a campus visit and one guy is capable of scoring 39 TDs in 12 games and the other is good at covering receivers, you call every hooker in town, give them the A.D.'s credit card number, and make sure they know which one averages 7.6 yards per carry.

Other Sports Links:

Dick Vitale's Early Sweet 16 — Chock full of typical "insight" like "it isn't easy to replace a player and leader like Price," Dickie V. delivers his early picks for next year's top-shelf college hoops talent. UConn ranks No.1, with Syracuse at 11.

WWE Diva Search — The family-friendly wrestling organization has some boobs to click on.

Playboy.com Interviews Barry Zito — I like Zito, a great talent with a brain in his head. I'll like him even more when the A's can't afford him anymore and he becomes a Yankee.

ESPN.com Interviews Mike Ditka — Iron Mike correctly states that the Bears' Super Bowl win in January 1986 meant more to Chicago than all six of the Bulls' titles. He also says that Ricky Williams has already proved worthy of six draft picks.

Who's on Tap for Football HOF? — My buddy Craig Ellenport looks ahead to future football Hall of Fame weekends. John Elway and Barry Sanders are up next, with Steve Young and Dan Marino right behind.

How I Tried to Get Out of Jury Duty at 22

Today while going through some old papers, I found a photocopy of one of my great works, a letter dated 3/7/95 that I sent in response to being called for jury duty in lower Manhattan. My mission clearly was to present myself as an unstable member of the community, someone no lawyer in his right mind would want sitting on his jury.

Dear Judge,

I have recently received my summons to sere as a juror beginning the week of March 13. Unfortunately, I will be out of town on business and would like to defer until the summer. Also, my brother, who lives at the same address as me, was asked to serve in White Plains. Is there any way that I could serve my country proud in Westchester instead of downtown New York?

I sincerely do wish to serve on your jury. I have been watching the O.J. trial every day and want to be on a high-profile case so that I can write a book and make money after I put someone in jail.

I would like to get called in June. That way, I'd have plenty of time to watch People's Court and get a sense of what goes on in a real courtroom.

Hey Judge, maybe we can institute that new death penalty. I'll pull the switch and then we can go for a few drinks at Jim Bob's Big Boob Bonanza.

Thanks
Paul Katcher

That summer I was called back into jury duty and was selected to serve an entire month on federal grand jury. Each day we would hear 2-4 cases of assistant D.A.s looking for our votes to go to trial. Nearly all of them were drug-related, involving Hispanics residing in way upper Manhattan or the outer boroughs. There was one abstaining vote all month. The rest of the cases received unanimous support of 15-30 to go to trial.

NYCBP.com's Booze Cruise 2 Recap

As many of you know, I did not make it to NYCBP.com's Booze Cruise 2 (see recap and 140 pictures). An hour before it set sail, I pulled a Ken Griffey Jr. in the outfield of my softball game and instead got an extended look at the emergency room at Lenox Hill Hospital. (I'm now pulling a Brett Favre and popping Vicodin after surgery Friday to repair a ligament in my right thumb that has left my right hand useless for a month and presently on fire.)

Being that I can't type too quickly, I'll just throw out some links. Look for more long-winded, nonsensical posts at a later date.

Interesting Links:
• Bob Uecker's Hilarious Hall of Fame Speech
• 'Madden' Video Game to Enter Hall of Fame
• Hipster Bingo Card (Old I Know)
• Slate: Did Bob Hope Ever Say Anything Funny?
• CENTCOM's Altered Pictures of Saddam Hussein
• SI.com: Where Were Kobe's Bodyguards?
• Consumer Watch: You May Be Using the Wrong Browser