PaulKatcher.com

Former Cubs Manager Lee Elia More Popular Than MILFs

I don't know how I missed mentioning this Tuesday, but April 29 was the 20th anniversary of one of my favorite moments in sports history: Chicago Cubs manager Lee Elia's postgame tirade against the Wrigley Field fans in 1983.

ESPN.com this week posted a retrospective of Elia's Dresden-like f-bombings and listed it at the very top of sports' all-time meltdowns, each one funnier than the next. I don't know how these reporters don't crack up laughing — even the time Royals manager Hal McRae threw the office phone and drew blood from one of them. I know I almost fell off the couch when I watched it.

Last summer, I did an update on funny sports audio, and a link to Elia's tirade is one of them. Trust me on this, and listen to it. You might want to review the transcript and real along while Elia screams 43 curse words in three minutes.

Excerpt:

"They oughta go out and get a fuckin' job and find out what it's like to go out and earn a fuckin' living. Eighty-five percent of the fuckin' world is working. The other 15 percent come out here."

"I'll tell you one fuckin' thing, I hope we get fuckin' hotter than shit, just to stuff it up them 3,000 fuckin' people that show up every fuckin' day, because if they're the real Chicago fuckin' fans, they can kiss my fuckin' ass right downtown and print it!"

The page typically gets pretty good traffic from search engines, but nothing like my top 10 MILFs, which is in the top six or seven for a MILFs search on Google and Yahoo! But Monday, my friends, Lee Elia trumped Catherine Zeta-Jones, Faith Hill, Broke Burke and the rest of the hotties to attract roughly 500 visits from people who searched for more on Lee Elia's "I Have a Dream (That One Day Cubs Fans Fuck Themselves)" speech. Congratulations, Lee!

In other news, I got something like 700 visits from an University of Illinois message board celebrating my controversial "Kansas Introduces Traitorous New Coach" post. Of course, the point I was trying to make was that Bill Self is a "traitor" only if you're dumb enough to label Roy Williams a "traitor," because they did basically the same thing, which is leave a good post for a better one. You can't attack one man's character and welcome another with open arms. And, of course, I fault neither, because as Cleo McDowell said in Coming to America, "This is America, jack." (KU fans pointed out that Williams promised to stay forever. Get over it.)

Iowa State Coach Acts Out Animal House Fantasy

Rule No. 1 of being a smart drunk is to always have someone drunker than you around to deflect attention. Rule No. 2 is to avoid having your picture taken ass-wasted while smooching co-eds at a college party if you're a married basketball coach of a major university and you're not even on your own campus. Someone forgot to tell Iowa State's Larry Eustachy.

Photos appeared in the Des Moines Register Monday of the coach making like Thornton Melon and partying it up like it's 1969 (for him) after a loss at the University of Missouri, and the controversy has caused quite a stir in the state where he is the highest paid public employee.

Eustachy (bio) is under contract through 2011 with a stipulation that states he must provide "positive representation of the university and the university's athletic programs in private and public." I'm guessing that chugging Natty Lights till 5 a.m.at the doesn't count.

Sean Devereaux, who took the photos and mailed negatives to the Register in mid-March, claims that his motivation for igniting the scandal is that he thought Eustachy overstayed his welcome (which was never offered) and he was put off by Eustachy's behavior, which he called very "uncoachlike." No word on how Devereaux classified the behavior of all the drunk people posing with the Eustachy. The timing of Devereaux's attempted lynching clearly coincided with the NCAA Tournament, but so did Dubya's plans to kill Saddam, so I'm hypothesizing that the Register sat on the photos till pictures of a drunk coach would again seem newsworthy.

Wanna know how this could end up benefiting Iowa State basketball? Eustachy is a 2000 national coach of the year and twice led the Cyclones to Big 12 Conference championships. Iowa State, however, is a stepping stone for coaches who achieve that level of success (perhaps you remember Tim Floyd, who was lured away by the NBA's Bulls). It would take a lot of balls for a coach to leave soon after getting a second chance, which I am expecting Eustachy to get.

Other Sports Links:

Shining Moment for Cheeks and 13-Year-Old Girl Made Us Proud — And on the other side of the Spectrum, former NBA point guard and current Blazers coach Maurice Cheeks makes the assist of the year by helping a young girl get through her botched Star-Spangled Banner. Bravo.

Greatest NYC Sports Moments of Last 35 Years — Part of New York magazine's retrospective, they say Ali-Frazier I at MSG was the toughest ticket in New York sports history. Tougher than Game 7 of the 1994 Stanley Cup Finals? Starks' dunk over the same Rangers championship? No way in hell.

10 Best Games by Sport — An interesting message board thread that includes one man's opinion of the best 10 games for eight major sports. I think a little too much emphasis was paid to playoff games that were close — a close finish can mask an otherwise boring game — but hard to argue with any of 'em. There's no way Kirk Gibson's HR trumps a game in which the Red Sox were one out away from winning a World Series in, of all places, New York.

Why Does Stadium Rock All Sound the Same? — Slate's Rob Walker does a little research on music to score by.

Get Your Yankee Monster Truck — A host of Yankees collectibles for truck, helicopter and Thunderbolt aircraft fans. Huh? You can also order a 55 Godzilla Drive street sign.

Celebrating 35 Years of New York Magazine

In the last three and a half decades, this city has seen a lot of its ups (rents, fares and taxes) and downs (that Olive Garden they put in Times Square). Read and see all about it in New York magazine's terrific 35th anniversary special.

Here are some highlights of the package:

• 100 People Who Changed New York — A list as diverse as New York itself includes Reggie Jackson and George Steinbrenner. Notable omissions include the guy who invented much-needed taxi cab air fresheners and whoever set the price of a Gray's Papaya hot dog at 75 cents.

• 17 Most Influential New York Bands — Three short of a number that makes sense, New York tabs KISS, the Beasties, the Ramones and that 36-year-old bald-headed fag that Eminem once wanted a blowjob from. (Actually, Moby is 37 now.)

• Scenes You Had to Make — Apparently, there hasn't been a cool thing to do for 14 years, since all these scenes are pre-1990 and partial to the coke and crappy music of the 1970s. I swear in the mid-'90s going to a Knicks game was a cool gig. Now you could have more fun in a church.

• 35 Scandals and Crimes — Here's where the site could have been better. There's no browsable index, so users have to click 35 times to see all the events. Terrible web practice.

My favorite NYC moments of the last 35 years:
1. Keith Hernandez spends Mets career smoking cigarettes between innings.
2. In 1993, Mets outfielder Vince Coleman tosses an M-80-like firecracker into crowd of people at Dodger Stadium, injuring a young girl.
3. Darryl Strawberry decks Keith Hernandez to instigate a brawl on the Mets 1989 spring training picture day.
4. John Gotti, lifetime criminal, murder, drug profiteer, poisonous vermin, embarrassment to honest New Yorkers and hero to the stupid, dies June 10, 2002.
5. Coyote Ugly opens January 27, 1993.

How Much Did You Donate After 9/11?

I've been meaning to do this poll for awhile. I would like to know, honestly and anonymously, how much you donated after 9/11 to various charities. To the Red Cross, to the Salvation Army, to benefit events, directly to the families left behind.

It's timely for me because I saw Tramps Like Us, a Bruce Springsteen tribute band, at a 9/11 benefit Saturday night at the Lion's Den on Sullivan Street. And then I went to the Red Lion on Bleecker Street, and I know I'm not the first to get those places confused. (And then I went to Coyote Ugly, and no one should be confused by that.)

I went for the music — I'd seen these guys a few times over the years and they're great — but I also knew the modest $10 cover was donated in the name of of a 9/11 victim, a Cantor Fitzgerald employee named Marc Zeplin. He was 33. He had two young children. I met his sister briefly. Like us, she danced during "Rosalita" and sang during "Born to Run." I was happy for her. I've met brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers who lost people on 9/11 and it was nice to meet one who wasn't crying. At least at the time.

Beat This Caption: LeBron James

"LeBron James signals with his hands what he will be getting a lot of now that he has declared himself eligible for the 2003 NBA draft."

(To beat this caption, click "Post a Comment" below.)

Also see various domain names reserved with "lebron" in them.

Is GNR the Biggest Waste Ever?

Not counting Firehouse, has anyone ever done rock n' roll better than Guns N' Roses in their Appetite for Destruction era?

You couldn't invent a more perfect rock band. Right off the bat, they had the look, the attitude. They had the talent, a hard and hint-of-blues sound that separated them from the popular rock bands of the era. They had the S.O.B. frontman, the ace guitarist. The critics loved them. The fans loved them more.

Somewhere along the line, Sweet Child O' Mine morphed into the biggest chick song since Jessie's Girl but, 16 years after its release, Appetite resonates as a near-perfect album with legs.

Or am I overestimating a band that, after a double-CD effort that ignited Midnight Madness sales across college campuses and a concert tour in which Metallica opened for them, fell off the face of the planet?

Has any band ever had more promise only to fizzle out without much notice? We know why GNR failed — even at their best musically they disappointed fans with their lack of professionalism, somehow ignoring that a ticket sale is a contract for performance — but we can't point to a moment or two in the band's history and say, if it weren't for that, they'd have continued to kick ass.

And has there ever been a biggest disappointment than the time Jimmy Fallon introduced Guns N' Roses to end the 2002 MTV Video Music Awards and out came Axl, a guy with a bucket of KFC on his head and some guys we didn't recognize?

Guns N' Roses Links:

GNR Gallery — Tons of candids, pub shots and in-concert photos of all band members through the years, including Buckethead

Guns N' Roses Timeline — Track the band from the birth of William Bailey (the skinny redhead who swayed his hips) in 1962 to the final time in 2002 when they failed to perform as headliners

Rolling Stone GNR Covers — The band made the cover of music's definitive pub five times

Metal Sludge Interviews Riki Rachtman — You can't talk hair bands without bringing up the host of Headbanger's Ball, after Adam Curry got the boot. In this Q&A, Rachtman calls GNR "still the greatest rock n' roll band ever"

Poll: Slash Fourth-Best Guitarist Ever — The top three were Hendrix, Clapton and Page. Janice from Electric Mayhem did not place in the top 20

Kansas Introduces Traitorous New Coach

When Roy Williams left as men's basketball coach at Kansas University to become head coach at the University of North Carolina, his alma mater and the place he got his coaching start as assistant under Dean Smith, some Jayhawk supporters branded him a traitor, citing his lack of loyalty to not only a university that showed him nothing but love but an apparent disregard for incoming recruits who we're led to believe were sold a bag of goods.

Certainly, we can expect those same critics to view Kansas' new hire, Bill Self, in much the same light. Self, after all, is returning to the place of his assistant coaching debut. Self, you see, left a University of Illinois program that was successful and showed him nothing but love. And Self, that son of a bitch, left three recruits holding the bag, unable to renege on their own plans to attend Illinois without having to skip a year of eligibility.

But the deafening roar of protest from moral policemen wearing purple t-shirts adorned with glorified parrots sounds a lot like silence. Think of the kids! Think of the kids!

You fucking hypocrites.

Now, the majority of Kansas fans were sophisticated enough to know that college sports is first and foremost a business, and coaches move around not nearly as much for family, loyalty and students as they do for money and fame. And if you think I'm wrong, cite me one example where a coach left for less money and visibility and I'll name you a hundred where the opposite was true.

On ESPN's Pardon the Interruption Monday, Bill Self was asked what the deciding factor was in him coming to Kansas. The answer in truth is money, fame and a better chance to win a national championship. He was trading up, plain and simple. Instead, he spun an answer about how hard it was to leave Illinois, which was not the question at all.

My Favorite All-Time Story About Fans: I once worked for a guy with a family member who worked for the Mets. I think it was a brother-in-law. Anyway, while walking past long lines on the first day tickets went on sale in the freezing winter, the Mets employee had this observation: "Look at these fucking idiots."

Other Sports Links:

Dean Smith & Roy Williams: The Puppet Master and His Marionette — A well-written essay by female blogger Bitch Has Word on the "creepy" teacher-student relationship between 72-year-old Dean Smith and 52-year-old Roy Williams. (BTW, I just saw Deano and I share the same birthday, Feb. 28. Did you know I was a huge fan of UNC before I went to Syracuse? I was called Jeff Lebo on the rough playgrounds of Pelham Manor, N.Y.)

Big East Tells ACC to Back Off — The ACC is courting Miami, Syracuse and anyone else it can get its hands on to form one of those superconferenes like the Big 12 and SEC. I did say college sports was a business, right?

ESPN's Top 10 Sports Heroes Ever — The bodies aren't even cold yet in Iraq and we're back to calling athletes heroes. I'm not sure where this list is going. Jackie Robinson (No. 1) was, of course, a hero by any definition. I don't get Babe Ruth at No. 2, who was an idol but no hero. And then Nile Kinnick at No. 6, who was a hero but no idol. If we're talking idols, then the list is bogus without Michael Jordan and Mickey Mantle. If we're talking people worthy of admiration as all-around people, John Wooden has got to be on it.

100 Classic Yankee Moments — The Daily News celebrates a century of the Yankees kicking ass with 100 of the team's most memorable moments. A friend asked me to do my own top 10 here, but they're so obvious — Gehrig's speech, Joe. D's hit streak, Babe's 60th, Maris' 61st, Reggie's three HRs, Bucky's blast, Larsen's perfect game, etc. — so I'll think of something more creative to celebrate 100 years and 26 World Series.

2003 NBA Mock Draft — One prediction on how the two rounds will shake out, assuming players like Carmelo Anthony (No. 3) declare, as expected, for the draft.

23 Who Profited Off Michael Jordan — From David Stern to Abe Pollin to Bob Rosenberg to guys who aren't even Jewish, sports business guru Darren Rovell chronicles the monetary windfall of being in No. 23's galaxy.

Cut-Off Can't Be Missed When it Comes to Beer — Jayson Stark says it's time for baseball to stop beer sales earlier in the games to prevent drunken fan altercations, which, let face it, account for all altercations.

ESPN's NBA Playoff Picks — Lakers or Kings get 14 of the 15 picks to win it all. Spurs get the 15th. Why would anyone bother watching the Eastern Conference postseason?

On the Set of Spider-Man 2

Well, I wasn't exactly on the set — a couple of peon production lackeys made sure the passers-by didn't get too close — but some of my latest photos (City Hall/Brooklyn Bridge) are behind-the-scenes shots of Spider-Man 2 being filmed downtown Sunday.

My favorite part was the peons barking at the crowd that "absolutely no video" was allowed to be taken. I wasn't interested in that, but I can't imagine Columbia Pictures has any legal right to restrict documentation of anything on public property. It's kinda like my building's obnoxious "Do Not Park Here and Block Entrance" sign in front of a perfectly legal spot. Most people are smart enough to ignore the sign and exhibit their rights as a citizen of New York.

Reminds me of a time a business manager at my first job told me to give $1,000 back to the government that I had earned by serving a month on federal grand jury. The company had paid my salary during the time, so I wasn't positive that I was legally entitled to the money. I told the business manager that I'd be happy to sign the check over to the company. He told me I should give it back, as a goodwill gesture. Give it back? Who tries to take $1,000 out of the pocket of a 22-year-old as a goodwill gesture to the richest entity in the world? I cashed the fucking check, of course.

Just because someone tells you to do something doesn't mean they're right. Look at the guy who advised Roberto Alomar to sign with the Mets.

(I could be wrong on this whole filming thing, but are you telling me anyone can restrict video shot while standing on a public sidewalk?)

Other New York Links:

Quiz: How Well Do You Know New York City? — Test your knowledge of NYC's geography, history and culture. I got 7 of 12 correct, but there were no questions about Coyote Ugly, so I could have done better if the questions weren't so biased against alcoholics. (Thanks, Tim)

Smart-Ass Guide to New York City — An oldie but goodie makes a return appearance. An animated guided to the different neighborhood personalities.

The Official Version of 9/11 Is a Hoax — A Florida writer claims that 9/11 could not have happened without the willful failure of the American defense system. It's an essay that is directed toward the "uninformed few who still believe this tragedy was engineered by Muslim terrorists." I'm guessing no one he knew died in the attack.

The Columbine Massacre, Four Years Later

Four years ago today, on April 20, 1999, I sat in the TV-laden newsroom shared by FOXSports.com and FOXNews.com and watched high school kids run for their lives while two fellow students, Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris, shot up their school in a premeditated act that was the most evil thing I'd seen in my then-26 years.

This was before 9/11, of course. Before planes carrying 24,000 gallons of fuel were run into people I knew and thousands more I did not know, before the U.S. would enter two wars, before suicide bombings became an almost daily ritual in Israel (and the chance occasion to murder tourists in a Bali night club), before millions of Americans were laid off from work and more still were cheated out of their retirement money. Bill Clinton had been acquitted of two impeachment charges and the biggest worry was Y2K.

There were copycats to the Columbine killings, of course, most notably Charles "Andy" Williams, who was sentenced to 50 years in prison after killing two students at Santana High School in San Diego on March 5, 2001. Rememeber when school violence was a big deal? What happened?

Columbine students returned to the scene of the crime in August 1999 and were met by newly scrawled swastikas found in two of the school's bathrooms. (Only 15 of the 2,000 students were black.) In December of that year, they won the Colorado state 5A football championship.

I admired those kids' courage. Imagine having your life turned upside down by one horrifying, planned mass murder of people doing nothing more than sitting in a school library.

Many of us were introduced to evil on Sept. 11, 2001. The kids at Columbine had a head start. May the rest of their lives be blessed. Here's hoping the nightmares have stopped.

Columbine Links:

Rocky Mountain News' Photo Journal — A user-unfriendly but sign of the times 1999 Flash presentation still exhibits haunting photos of human tragedy.

Today in History — April 20, 2003 also marks the 114th birthday of Adolf Hitler, who is responsible for the death of millions of people. Millions.

Inside the Columbine High Investigation — A Salon exclusive from September 1999 that contends "Everything you know about the Littleton killings is wrong. But the truth may be scarier than the myths"

More Columbine Pictures — A collection of AP contributions.

The Century in Pictures — Not related to the shootings, but a gripping photo essay nonetheless of the most dramatic pictures of the 20th century, with the Times Square V-J day kiss and woman grieving over a killing at Kent State among the obvious omissions.

Remembering Dick Cheney (And the Pope, Too)

Dick Cheney is not a dead man, but he plays one on TV. And, apparently, on the Internet. Earlier this week CNN.com accidentally exposed several online obituary templates for men still sucking oxygen, and Cheney was on the short list to meet Saint Peter, along with Ronald Reagan, Fidel Castro, Bob Hope, Nelson Mandela, Gerald Ford and the man who skips the line at the door, Pope John Paul II.

(Don't miss Fark.com's Photoshop contest to design additional CNN.com obits.)

CNN's only gaffe is that the work made it to its live server and was crawled by Google — a nightmare come true for web producers. But preparing obits for famous people is a common practice in the news media, and dead pool participants have been saying "Thanks for the Memories" to Bob Hope for years. Remember in 1998 when Arizona Rep. Bob Stump announced on Capitol Hill that Bob Hope had died after reading a premature AP report that also slipped into cyberspace? That's not good karma, people.

But my favorite story of advanced obits is that of Ronald Reagan's, which one of the country's most popular magazines has been holding since the 1990s. The man who wrote it died in 2001.

How good am I at predicting death? Let's revisit my entry in the "Sleep With the Fishes" dead pool I participated in at work in 1997.

1. Bob Hope — Alive: Set to turn 100 on May 29.
2. Ronald Reagan — Alive: Suffering from Alzheimer's since 1994.
3. Chris Farley — Dead: I nailed this one.
4. Gregory Peck — Alive: Just turned 87.
5. Ted Williams — Dead: No longer baseball's greatest living hitter.
6. Morton Downey Jr. — Dead: You're not gonna believe this; it was lung cancer.
7. Leon Hess — Dead: Leaves legacy of cool toy trucks and bad football.
8. Walter Cronkite — Alive: Still telling it like it is.
9. Richard Dawson — Alive: Survey says - still breathing.
10. Julia Child — Alive: This one I cannot believe.

The moral of the story: If I pick you to die in the next 12 months, you actually have a better than 50 percent chance of living at least another six years.

Head 2 Head: Laundry vs. Working Out

Here's how Head 2 Head works: I throw out a debate between two people, places or things, and you settle it by posting a comment.

Today's question: Which chore do you hate worse, doing laundry or working out?

Doing Laundry: Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Till bored to tears.
Pros: As opposed to lifting weights, folding socks is only brainless, not strenuous and brainless. There is the opportunity to chat up a cute single neighbor and grab a drink afterward, which happens all the time in commercials and is confirmed to have occurred exactly once in real life since electrical appliances were invented. To the braless, loose-shirted, hot chick who kept bending over into her cart that time in the late '90s: I'll never forget you, girl.
Cons: More often than not, strangers in a laundry room look like they were spawned from Ernest Borgnine's ass and have social skills that make the Unabomber look like a missing Hilton sibling. The only reason the murder rate of children in NYC isn't astronomical is because not enough licensed gun owners have visited The Mat on 89th and First, which doubles as a Great Adventure outing for every Latin household on the Upper East Side. That pair of granny panties that someone always leaves behind on the counter.

Working Out: Too much pain for too little gain.
Pros: Once you're married, you never have to do it again. A married guy hasn't been in a gym since Jack La Lanne and his boyfriend got hitched. On average, the clientele is more attractive than what you'd find on the street, and they're wearing less clothes. The large viewing windows in front of the aerobics studio deserve their own cover charge. When you're done, a wave of feel-good endorphins carries you through the rest of the day, providing the same lift as a three-martini lunch.
Cons: Within 100 years, working out will be replaced by taking a pill, but try not to think about that while bursting your brain's blood vessels doing shoulder presses. Not to be outdone by the gay sex in steam rooms that NYSC on 86th and Lex never cracked down on, an Equinox salesperson told me that their steam rooms are heterosexual-friendly "before 9 p.m." It's frustrating to keep seeing the same people at the gym who in such better shape than I am. Do they not eat eight hot dogs on one sitting? Do they not down 50 beers a week. What's the secret here?

The Best of Photojournalism 2003

Among the great web links I've been saving for awhile are two specials on The Poynter Institute's terrific website dedicated to the National Press Photographer's Association 2003 Best of Photojournalism and Photojournalism on the Web awards.

With online connection speeds steadily crawling out of the dark ages, dynamic presentation of multimedia is starting to do justice to great work. And yet another form of communication is changed forever.

Among the highlights...

News Picture Stories — Barry Gutierrez's series of first-place photos on the devastating Colorado fires are breathtaking, and Cherie Diez's "A Year in the Life of an Alzheimer's Support Group" is altogether heartbreaking and inspirational.

Team Sports Action — The Packers and Buccaneers play rough, but the caption doesn't indicate whether the pictured punch occurred after Warren Sapp's controversial knockout hit on Chad Clifton.

Magazine News — WARNING: VERY GRAPHIC. Horrifying images of death in the Middle East lead this section.

Magazine Feature — My favorite photo of the year (shown above), depicting a 4-year-old being screened at an airport on his way to Disney World, captures post-9/11 America so simply and poignantly.

Other Web Finds

• The Dullest Blog in the World — I know some blogs that could give this a run for its money, and I'd often thought about posting my own phony blog post with the most mundane, personal minutiae that could be of no interest to anyone. Even the comments on this tongue-in-cheek suck, which I thank all of you for not littering my site with. I am really pleased that the comments you leave are often just as worth reading as my posts. Almost.

• Flag-o-Rama! — From Tires of Pride to the Hammer of Justice to the Tampons of Glory, this site is chock full of patriotic items for fanatical flagwavers. Funny, yes, but what's wrong with a little pride in your democratic way of life?

• Test Your Urinal Etiquette — A Flash game that tests your knowledge of the appropriate urinal to pee at based on the number and position of other people in the men's room. I perfected the strategy about 10 years ago when I read about it in a Dave Barry book, but it may be new to some of you. Pay attention!

• Babes Behind Bars - the Women in Prison Flicks — Man, I haven't seen one of these since Joe Bob Briggs stopped doing Drive-In Theater on The Movie Channel. (He did stop, right?) The one thing about female cons that I learned from the movies: they're all hot! (Thanks, Marc)

• How to Pull a Sick Day — Stuff on how to fake back pain, tonsillitis and more. The best one to work for me is one in the list: ate bad seafood. Who's boss is going to ask for more details on you barfing scallops all night? Just don't say you have the Irish flu.

• The Hall of Douchebags — Nearly 500 band images of musicians that never made it. And after you see the photos, you'll know why.

Take the PK.com Quiz and Win a Pair of Tickets to the NYCBP.com Booze Cruise

I have never put advertising on this site, and now I am giving away a $90 value. Kevin of NYCBP.com has been nice enough to comp me a couple of tickets to his booze cruise around Manhattan on May 21 to give away however I want. And here's how we're gonna do it.

Below is a quiz to see who is the most loyal of PK.com fans. The person with the highest score gets the two tickets (worth $45 each). To participate, simply e-mail your answers to paul@paulkatcher.com. Official rules are below.

1. Which of these men was not on my list of greatest men of all time?
a. Wilt Chamberlain
b. Hugh Hefner
c. Gordon Jump
d. Rudy Giuliani

2. How many hot dogs did I eat after at least 12 beers and 12 shots on my 30th birthday? (Remember, I did not puke.)
a. 4
b. 6
c. 8
d. 10

3. I once posted an audio clip of a former Cubs manager who said this about his team's daytime fans: "Eighty-five percent of the fuckin' world is working. The other fifteen percent come out here." Who was he?
a. Lee Elia
b. Don Baylor
c. Jim Riggleman
d. Jim Frey

4. Who do I credit as being the greatest TV neighbor of all time?
a. Cosmo Kramer
b. Dwayne Schneider
c. Larry Dallas
d. Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggman

5. Which of these sporting events have I seen in person?
a. Bill Buckner's error in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series
b. Michael Jordan's 55-point return to Madison Square Garden
c. Jim Leyritz's 15th-inning HR in the 1995 MLB playoffs
d. All of them

6. When I did a review of chick mags, which one suggested that women "declare a series of hand-job-only nights so that all the amorous attention is on him?"
a. Redbook
b. Cosmopolitan
c. Marie Claire
d. O

7. Which Upper East Side watering hole do I call "The Dugout," because it's where everyone goes after they strike out?
a. Dorrian's
b. Martell's
c. Trinity Pub
d. Mustang Grill

8. The discovery of which magazine in a bathroom stall at work revolted me like nothing else?
a. Herpes Weekly
b. Red Sox Magazine
c. Playgirl
d. Martha Stewart Living

9. I was accepted in the following four universities. Which one did I graduate from in 1994?
a. University of Florida
b. Syracuse University
c. University of Southern California
d. University of Connecticut

10. Which of the following terrible TV shows do I consider the worst of all time?
a. One Day at a Time
b. Mets baseball telecasts
c. Cop Rock
d. Revealed With Jules Asner

EXTRA CREDIT: In order to keep my newer fans in the game, you may beg and plead at the end of your e-mail with a note of why you deserve to win the two tickets.

EXTRA, EXTRA CREDIT: If you bombed on the questions, here's where you can really make it up. For example, guys can send me a picture of them pissing on Shea Stadium. Girls, scrwal my initials on your breasts. Tell me a great NY story. C'mon, get creative. The tickets are free, for Christ's sake.

Official Rules
1. To enter, e-mail your answers to paul@paulkatcher.com. Do not post your answers in the comments area (though you may comment on the quiz).
2. All entries must be received by 10 p.m. ET Sunday, May 11. Booze cruise is Wednesday, May 21 at 7 p.m. ET.
3. The arbitrary method of scoring extra credit will ensure that there are no ties.
4. Not a New Yorker? Have some fun and take the quiz anyway. If you win and can't make it, I'll be happy to deliver them to a friend of yours in town. But I do not want these tickets to go to waste.
5, No part of anyone's entry will be posted on PK.com without permission.
5. This is a legitimate contest. I am not simply going to give the tickets to my friends. I want to reward someone for being a PK.com supporter.

Women Like Anal Sex (And More From My E-Mail)

Awhile back I signed up with Answerology.com, where men can have their questions about dating, relationships and sex answered by anonymous women. Apparently (and you're really not gonna believe this) men aren't interested in the dating and relationships parts. Here's a piece of mail I got Saturday night...

From: SportyGirl63@answerology.com

Can I please save all of us some time and just answer all of the repetitive questions that seem to be getting asked?

- Not all women mind swallowing. Actually some of us really like it. Just don't make us feel bad if we don't want to. Unless you've swallowed semen, then you have no idea why some of us may not have a taste for it.

- Yes, we like anal sex ... as long as you're not too well endowed. Use a lubricant and have at it ... gently.

- No, we don't like it when you kiss us after going down on us. Do you like it when we kiss you after swallowing? It's sticky and slimy ... and not very hygienic. Wash your face before going to sleep.

- No, I'm not going to tell you what the hottest thing a guy can do to me in bed is. Figure it out for yourself ... or go on a fucking chat line and jack off if you're just looking for spank material.

- Yes, we like to just get laid as much as you do. Some women actually can separate sex from love. Get over your fears of commitment and just fuck her already.

You have hundreds of women willing to let you in on all of our moods, need for affection, communication differences, etc., yet you insist on focusing on what we like in bed. We like sex, too. That's all you need to know.

Now, please, show us how smart you guys are. Show us how you can be as analytical (and I swear, if I get one anal sex joke from that comment I'm going to hurl) as women. Show us that you think about more than sex!

I used to answer a lot of questions for women using the same service (formerly Guy Critical), and all my answers seemed to boil down to "Well, everyone's different..." so take those answers with a grain of salt, but at least we now know that SportyGirl63 has tasted semen and enjoys anal sex (gently).

And, almost as good, I got a response to a long-ago post when I questioned, "Does anyone make toilet paper to the stars?" Here was the reply...

From: sales@justtoiletpaper.com

You asked if anyone makes toilet paper to the stars. The answer is yes ... we do.

We have shipped our monogrammed bathroom tissue to a fair amount of famous people.A talk show host, a football player, a sports announcer, TV celebs, and even recently did a custom job for one of the TV shows with the Hostess's photo on it.

Thought we would let you know, thanks for asking such a great question.

Marc Polish, sales manager
justtoiletpaper.com

Incredible. Famous people are not even on the same plane as ham & eggers when they're in the john.

The Night I Saw Guns 'n' Roses, Bon Jovi, Van Halen, KISS and Motley Crue ... Almost

"Tribute Wars," the listing read in Time Out New York for a one-night-only lineup of Mr. Brownstone, Bad Medicine, Unchained and KISS Nation. I had no idea Guns 'n' Roses, Bon Jovi, Van Halen, KISS — or at least guys who tried their best to sound and look like them — were in town. Every day I hope to get a story out of an experience, and this fit the bill, so I hopped a cab to B.B. King Blues Club & Grill in Times Square with camera in tow.

When I arrived, Eddie Van Halen (+ 30 pounds) was polishing off Eruption and three guys in KISS makeup were polishing off some beers next to me at the bar. I got a great shot of Ace & Co. (see right) of KISS Nation, a band I'd seen before. I still remember laughing at the girls who got weak in the knees for guys dressed in clown paint and spandex, pretending to be people they weren't. But hey, good for the boys.

After a 15-minute break the Bon Jovi tribute band, Bad Medicine, came on. They played well and knew all of Bon Jovi's song variations for live shows. I played all those songs on my drums when I was 16 and 17 years old, and there's no doubt with a little practice I could be up there, too. But did I want to? Yeah, probably. But not for a living.

Not everyone in the crowd of maybe 750 or so was enamored with the Bon Jovi music. I heard a bunch of people yelling, "Get off the stage!" and raising their middle fingers at the band. Perhaps this was the much tougher crowd that came to see G 'n' R's tribute, Mr. Brownstone. (Irony alert: Dissing one fake band because another fake band is cooler.)

One particular group of drunk guys caught my attention for repeatedly giving Bad Medicine the finger while being separated from them by a stage and hundreds of people. They were caricatures of their own drunken selves — hugging each other and high-fiving for no apparent reason other to celebrate their on-break-from-the-wife drunkenness and safety in numbers and distance. So I took pictures of them, one after the other, hoping they would catch me (which they did) and wonder, "Why does that guy want a picture of us?" The answer is to give them the attention they wanted. (See below.)

While waiting for Mr. Brownstone to come out, we got a quickie form Corn Mo, a total nut who launched a three-song Motley Crue set with an accordion version of Home Sweet Home. The guy's a character, but that's no flaw. During his set, I had the pleasure of standing next to three young drunkards who took turns annoying the two girls in front of us and hugging each other. Sensing that was the only action they were going to get, one of them said, "I so want to get into a fight tonight." (Remember my formula: White Guys + Alcohol - Pussy = Fights)

And I so hope they did get into a fight, with the other three idiots. I hope they all had knifes, simultaneously punctured each other's chests and died before doctors wasted their time on them.

We have brave men and women spilling blood overseas to help humanity triumph over the ills of intolerance, and yet, in the city that's supposed to lead the world in diversity and strength, we have people who flip off well-intentioned musicians and get their jollies off of violence. They are of no use to our society. And I will expose them as such every opportunity I get.

Presenting Some Assholes at the Show:

• See all 19 photos from the night

Review: Old School

Thursday after work I caught a screening of Old School and, even though I had picked a long hair out of popcorn and had seen Will Ferrell's naked body within 17 the first minutes, it managed to fulfill the promise of pretty good reviews by making me laugh out loud several times.

Some of the jokes were original (a foul-mouthed wedding band, Andy Dick giving group blowjob lessons) but many more gags made me feel as if I was watching a sequel to Animal House, Revenge of the Nerds, Back to School or Porky's. Pick a cliché — too-young girls, too-old guys, mascots gone wild, inappropriate wedding toasts — it was there. But I laughed anyway, 'cause not not every movie tries to be Airplane! or Dumb & Dumber, which were consistently novel and hilarious with no serious character courtship to ruin the mood, which should be non-stop goofiness, not bliss.

The movie's biggest asset is, by far, Ferrell, who can go from deadpan to physical comedy as well as Steve Martin, but his jokes are so deprecating — ugliness, awkwardness, etc. — that I'm scared he's going to kill himself someday. I found Vince Vaughn's character to be an effective instigator, while Luke Wilson could have been replaced by a decorated boulder and no one would have noticed the difference. None of the pledges made any lasting impression.

Overall, I give it a B-.

(As an aside, one of the previews was for Malibu's Most Wanted, where Jamie Kennedy portrays a white rapper. I suggest they summon the bomb squad to the premier of this dud-in-waiting. The only people who are going to see this are ones who walk into the wrong theater for The Hulk.)

In Five Words or Less: Comedies Come a Lot Worse

Links:

• Collection of Reviews at Rotten Tomatoes
• Memorable Old School Quotes
• DVD to Include Inside the Actor's Guild Spoof
• Will Ferrell's Greatest SNL Moments

Beat This Caption: Bathroom Attendants Supplier

I was at The Cutting Room on Wednesday night and, along with snagging a stick of Juicy Fruit from the bathroom attendant, I picked up one of the most original business cards ever. Help me come up with a missing motto, — or in this case, caption — for the Royal Flush company.

"When it comes to our work, we don't just give a crap. Sometimes we take 'em , too."

(To beat this caption, click "Post a Comment" below.)

Head 2 Head: Three's Company Landlords

Here's how Head 2 Head works: I throw out a debate between two people, places or things, and you settle it by posting a comment.

Today's question: Who ruled Santa Monica real estate better: the team of Stanley and Helen Roper or the swingin' single, Ralph Furley?

Stanley and Helen Roper: The Beast and the Beast
Pros: A double-dose of fixed-income hilarity. Stanley might have been Roper the Moper for 29 minutes of each show, but he was always good for a dry one-liner at the end. Helen, meanwhile, was the funniest woman on the show, which is like being the best music teacher at a school for the deaf. Classic Mr. Roper episode: "Stanley Casanova," in which Mr. Roper mistakenly thought he was a ladies man in Larry's league.
Cons: Roper? I hardly know her. And thank goodness, judging from that tacky wardrobe and clunky jewelry. Anyone else get squeamish when the Ropers made up and kissed at the end of one of their many misunderstandings (typically caused by misinterpreting something heard from the other side of the kitchen's swinging door)? Also, major points taken off for that damn parakeet.

Ralph Furley: People's Least Sexiest
Pros: Went by his tougher yet more suave alter-ego, "R.F." when standing up to his domineering older brother Bart, or when saddling up to the made-of-construction-paper-and-Elmer's-glue bar at the Regal Beagle. We're going pro on the snort, which usually came at the end of a zinger that painted Jack as a guy who dances with his hands above his head. The joke, of course, was always on Furley, since Jack was really a bisexual. And those suits! Major bonus points. Classic Mr. Furley episode: "Ralph's Rival" in which R.F. pretended to be an oil baron to impress an old mate of equally pathetic proportions.
Cons: Furley was such a pussy, The French army hired him to give motivational speeches. Also made like a born-again Christian and never had sex. And he wasn't even religious.

Three's Company Links:

Episode Guide | Jump the Shark Page | John Ritter Appreciation | Yahoo! Group: Jack Off to Joyce DeWitt

To Gene Wojciechowski: Kiss My Ass (And Twice on Sunday)

In my post two days ago, I called out Gene Wojciechowski of ESPN.com for writing off Syracuse before Monday's championship game. It was a stupid, cheap column then and now it's even worse. In case you haven't heard, the Orangemen won Monday's national championship game, 81-78, making it six straight wins and three in a row over top-5 teams from the Big 12. Choke on that, Wojciechowski. Tell me why anyone should credit anything you write from here on out, because (and here's the good part) you know better than to claim you know the outcome of a game before it happens. So you're nothing more than the sports version of an uncredible tabloid.

I would also like to acknowledge:

Kirk Hinrich: Much respect. You were a man.

Nick Collison: Much respect. You were a man.

Roy Williams: I rooted for you before. And I will root for you again.

The Guys Who Walked Into the Bar at Halftime: They walked into a Syracuse-heavy bar at halftime and mocked the crowd during Kansas' second-half run. They weren't Kansas fans, just jerks. I can only wish that they were all hit by a car and died on the way home. I am serious. There is no room for instigation and spitefulness in a post-9/11 New York. I wish them all dead. They are a benefit to no one.

To Craig Forth: The biggest six points and solid defense of your life. You accomplished more in 35 minutes than the jealous people mocking you will accomplish in a lifetime.

To SU Students: Please play safe. Don't embarrass me by rioting in Syracuse. Especially not during a time of war.

To Gerry McNamara: Fuck senior leadership. How 'bout freshman talent? You were the difference in the game. How 'bout Collison's "senior leadership" when he missed all those free throws? If you're gonna cite these theories, you have to cite when they're bullshit. Syracuse was not far away from the Fab Five.

To Carmelo Anthony: Happy trails to you. Unless you come back for a preseason No. 1 ranking. Otherwise a preseason No. 5 ranking and one helluva legacy.

To Jim Boeheim: A Hall of Fame coach, no questions asked. Congratulations to a fellow SU alum.

To the Syracuse Orangemen: I don't know why sports grips me so. I don't know why I cared so much that you won or lost. I never painted my face, and, despite being a four-time season-ticket-holder for football and basketball, I have gotten very good about letting go after the clocks strikes 0:00. But you boys made a lot of people happy, me included. Thank you.

Unintentional Lie of the Night, Nick Collison: "We got enough stops to make a run," said Collison. "Missed too many free throws, 12-for-30. If we shoot 50 percent, we tie. Just wasn't our night." Bullshit. Kansas grabbed and converted a hoop on at least three offensive rebounds after 0-for-2's from the line. So they came away with at least 18 points from free-throw opportunities, six more than 12. They scored more than if they'd hit three more back-ends. (Watch a game with me sometime, I'll clue you in.)

Truest Tale of the Night, Jim Boeheim: "We fouled the guys we wanted to foul," said Boeheim, noting that Kansas' Jeff Graves was 2-for-7. "We could see right away they didn't have good rhythm. Any time they got close to the basket, we wanted to foul them." Like I said last week, a failure by one team is often the result of two teams' performances. Don't try to "luck" this team to the championship. The Big 12 put three teams in the final eight and Syracuse lead by all but two minutes against all of them combined.

See a 30-second clip of the final second as I filmed it at a bar in NYC (4.3 MB) (Allow time to load)

Listen to radio broadcasts of final two plays

Ladies, What Cologne Do You Recommend?

I have a question for the women out there. (And don't worry, it's not related to anything taxing, like math or science.) What colognes should be next on my purchase list?

Yes, I can go to Sephora and see what I like, except that the purpose of cologne is to attract women, not myself. So I am going to do as usual and ask the sales staff which cologne women most often buy for their boyfriends — a year ago, three simultaneously replied "Issey Miyake" — and it would be nice to have some suggestions ahead of time, so I'm not sitting there waving and sniffing 100 pieces of paper like Boy George's long-lost college roommate.

(Please let this work out better than the time I asked six female coworkers to select their favorite among Tiffany bracelets I was considering buying for my then-girlfriend. I got six different answers.)

Syracuse Beats Another No. 1 Seed (No Homecourt Advantage Needed)

Unranked at the beginning of the season, the Orangemen have won 29 of their last 33 games. Was that Oklahoma? Was that Texas? Could you tell that Hollis Price and T.J. Ford were first-team All-Americans? Not against 'Cuse, and that's no coincidence.

In bowling and golf, athletes choke. In basketball, however, performance on both sides can be the result of one team's actions. Playing in front of 54,432 people Saturday night, Syracuse did the dictating. Again.

Syracuse vs. Big 12
Jan. 13: Syracuse 76, Missouri 69
March 23: Syracuse 68, Oklahoma State 56
March 30: Syracuse 63, Oklahoma 47
April 5: Syracuse 95, Texas 84

I liken this run to Arizona's in 1997 and New England's Super Bowl dash in 2002. Each win was a fluke until the lights went out. And then you'd shake your head and think, "Hey, that team was pretty good."

Will they beat Kansas? Folks, if I knew the answer to questions like that, I'd live in Vegas. But you can't tell me we can't.

Previous PK.com Syracuse Hoops Posts:

March 30: Make No Mistake, Syracuse Made Oklahoma Play Like Shit
March 19: Last Call to Get on Syracuse's Bandwagon
Feb.15: I Don't Care What Grades My School's Athletes Get
Feb. 2: The 'Cuse Is in the House, Oh My God

Final Four Links:

• Celebration Pictures From Marshall Street to Bourbon Street

• Syracuse Post-Standard Coverage

• Grading the Final Fours — Hate Duke all you want. They make for some interesting basketball. Can't say the same for Wisconsin.

• Lawrence Journal-World Coverage — I'm guessing this is the Kansas authority. I've been to Lawrence, Kansas. If you go to The Eldridge, that old hotel at the end of the main street, check the guestbook. I stayed there just before the 1996 NCAA Tournament, after Iowa State beat Kansas for the then-Big Eight championship, and I wrote something like, "Go Orange!" Wouldn't you know it, Syracuse beat Kansas for a trip to the Final Four just two weeks later. (I've also been to Columbus, Ohio. Both places are tied for the frightening amount of attention given to college sports. I'm not kidding. It's scary.)

Too Good to Deny KU's Great Title Chances — ESPN's Gene Wojciechowski says that the Final Four is already over. Apparently, he has never seen N.C. State or Villanova or Sarah Hughes or the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team of the 1969 Mets or the Jets from the same year or Buster Douglas or ... People, this is a stupid, stupid column written by someone who should know better, perhaps under orders from an editor to write an inflammatory piece to garner attention. Congratulations, asshole. Would he put his career on the line for this game? I mean, should we hold him accountable if Syracuse wins? Nah, it's just a bullshit piece written by a guy who really isn't writing with his heart, because no professional sports writer would ever profess to know the outcome of any game. I like to call these people phonies.

Is it Too Early to Profit off the Columbia Disaster?

On Feb. 1, seven astronauts died above Texas aboard the space shuttle Columbia 16 minutes before its scheduled landing at Kennedy Space Center in Florida. Just over two months later, the Dallas Morning News is selling its coverage of the event on CD-ROM for $14.95, plus tax and shipping.

I don't work for the newspaper, so I don't know if it is satisfying a local hunger to preserve history, or if it's a morally questionable e-commerce strategy. I question the tackiness of it only because of the relatively short elapsed time. The CD-ROM is part of the paper's Witness to History series, which includes coverage of the JFK assassination in Dallas. I have no moral objections to that sale, and the only difference, really, is time — a respectful black-out period of selling.

A few years ago, I saw a stand-up comedian who commented on Titanic, the Broadway musical. "What's next," he asked, "TWA Flight 800 the musical?" Is was funny and insightful at the same time. No event is safe from profit motives, and it's only a matter of time before the first major Hollywood production of 9/11 comes to theaters. It could take five years. It could take 10 or 20, but it's coming. Just like Hollywood mega-productions JFK, Pearl Harbor and Titanic, movies about three of the most overwhelmingly sad moments of 20th century America — ones that helped make many in the entertainment industry very rich.

Other News Links:

The Secrets of Drudge Inc. — Business 2.0 reports that DrudgeReport.com is a two-man show that nets $400,000 a man. Other than that, the big secret is to leverage other people's content to work for you — something perfected by eBay, Google and the low percentage of good blogs out there.

Onion A.V. Club Interview: Dave Attell — New York's favorite insomniac talks serious about the comedy biz.

The Animus Against America — Diana West's op-ed in The Washington Times on tiptoeing around the Arab world.

U.S. Forgives $1B in Pakistani Debt — They still owe us $2 billion, but what's a thousand millions among friends? Did I say friends? Here's a picture of a pro-Taliban cleric addressing a rally in Pakistan to protest U.S.-led military action in Iraq.

What Would Jay-Z Drive? — Slate tracks rappers' favorite cars and clothes. When I see urban shoppers, I see sheep, but is the low-riding pants phase any different?

Fight for Cheaper Porn; Vote Libertarian

Thursday night I went to Coyote Ugly, as any sane man would do with Maria and Melissa working, and wound up meeting a vigorously dedicated member of the Libertarian party in New York. His points of contention now: the smoking ban in NYC and the crackdown of bars without cabaret licenses.

I know more about pre-World War II baseball than I know about politics, so I quizzed my new friend on his party's views.

"Where do you stand on porn?" I asked.

"We believe in all freedoms, and so we support people's right to engage in whatever activity they please," he replied.

"That's great," I said, "but I think it's too expensive. I think no porn should cost more than $9.95 per DVD."

He explained to me that Libertarian views were diametrically opposed to price-fixing, but that their influence could make a lot of taboo products more socially acceptable and end the government's monetary gain from their sales.

My friend Kevin and I had a great time with our Libertarian friend — who says the skies would be safer if everyone carried a gun onto an airplane (I reminded him that 200 drunks and 200 guns does not make for a safe commute) and that racial profiling, which I believe in, eats at the core of our principles — and at the end of the night he challenged us to commit to changing the world.

"Yes," said Kevin, "I'm serious about this."

I had a different take. "I don't give a shit. Who's round is it?"

You will understand my ambivalence to politics once you've viewed these 28 pictures from Coyote Ugly Thursday night.

I Told You No One Remembers Mr. Belvedere

When Bob Uecker was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame recently, I reminded PK.com readers that he played the dad on Mr. Belvedere, a show that had a fairly lengthy run, but left no lasting impression. That's pretty much the same way the author of a great web find, TV Tickets, describes she show.

"It was on for six seasons with respectable ratings but all during that time, I never heard one person mention it, either on TV or in my presence," reads the website that serves as a gallery of tickets to TV show tapings, narrated with interesting and quirky tid-bits about Hollywood production.

Learn how evening tickets to the Match Game were in demand, because the guest stars would get drunk during the dinner break. And that as late as 1975, NBC was still touting the fact the Tonight Show was in color. And get a load of "Archie Bunker's neighbors in their own series." Sherman Hemsley, one of my all-time favorite wiseass heroes ever, would need no such introduction in later tapings of the Manhattan-based classic comedy series The Jeffersons.

Do we even have to get into how many great comedies were situated in New York? The Jeffersons, All in the Family, Taxi, Seinfeld, Friends, The Cosby Show, Welcome Back Kotter, Barney Miller, Honeymooners, I Love Lucy. Every other city gets one. Boston has its pathetic drunks. Phoenix has that flea circus Mel calls a diner. Indianapolis has an ugly single mom with one hot daughter another who's a crackhead. Cincinnati has a radio station that can't outpull Christian rock. Santa Monica's best attraction is that sausage-fest, the Regal Beagle. Milwaukee gives us a 5-7 Jew and tries to make us believe he's a leather-wearing biker who gets all the broads despite palling around with nerds.

They may have taken the porn out of Times Square and the cigarettes out of the bars, but they will never take away our Louie DePalma, Mr. Bentley or Cockroach.

Other Web Finds:

List: Famous or Distinguished Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals — From Susan B. Anthony to James Dean to Andy Warhol to practically ever figure of royalty up to the 20th century, a more complete list of accomplished homos you have never come across.

Amsterdam: One Woman's Adventures of Buying Sex — We've all done it — bought a prostitute to have sex with you and a husband. This is one woman's tale of how it went down.

50 Most Loathsome New Yorkers

I know I'm a little late to the party commenting on New York Press' 50 Most Loathsome New Yorkers, but other topics (Syracuse, Yankees, turning a bunch of you into April fools) took precedence.

Anyway, the "50 Most" feature is very well-written and humorous, if perhaps overboard in its mean-spiritedness in a post-9/11 New York. But the dream that somehow that tragic event would spawn a more humane and sympathetic city population has long since vanquished.

Here are a few highlights from the piece.

No. 50 Naomi Campbell, Model
New York Press says: "The quintessential don’t-you-know-who-I-am celebrity has made headlines for her Mansonesque behavior toward bellhops, assistants and other people with real jobs."
PK.com says: I'd still fuck her.

No. 44 Nas and Jay-Z, Rappers
New York Press says: "These endlessly feuding rappers should be merged to form one, giant, illiterate organism called Notorious S.U.C.K."
PK.com says: Irony alert: If these rich, old-enough-to-know-better rappers are "keeping it real," then their real lives are real pathetic.

No. 40 Carson Daly, Television Host
New York Press says: "It’s one thing to be cagey and self-deprecating; it’s another to embrace your complete vapidity."
PK.com says: Who actually considers this guy a New Yorker anyway? I thought he was just a rental.

No. 34 Tina Brown, Former Editor
New York Press says: "The shrill Brit with the jiggly arms who systematically massacred the reputations of two of America’s most storied print institutions..."
PK.com says: I had lunch with a former magazine editor who told me that after he'd lunched with Brown, he politely waited for her to visit the women's room before they departed. When she came out, she blew right by him without saying goodbye.

No. 32 Brian Williams, Anchorman
New York Press says: "On the Conan O’Brien Show, ended a long story about buying a Christmas tree with a punch-line in which he was mistaken for a member of the working class."
PK.com says: If being a bad talk-show guest was reason to be loathed, former G 'n' R guitarist Slash's appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live last week would have him up there with Osama.

No. 22 Bernard Kerik, Former NYPD Top Dog
New York Press says: "Prior to his distinguished reign as the police commissioner, was the head of a state corrections department that for years was the city’s most dependable source of scandal and bureaucratic skullduggery."
PK.com says: Cops take advantage of their political positioning? You don't say. The whole notion of PBA cards and sense of privilege above the law make me sick.

No. 15 George Steinbrenner, Owner, New York Yankees
New York Press says: "Has forever linked the Yankee name to his infantile persecution complexes, and the fact that he wins makes it worse, not better."
PK.com says: In his 30 years, his profitable and successful Yanks have won six World Series and nine AL pennants. Aside from that dipshit David Wells, the Yanks' players (whites, blacks, Latinos) have more class than the entire NBA.

No. 4 Ann Coulter, Pundit
New York Press says: "A horse-faced Tri-Delt who spends her days hurling genocidal threats at foreigners and liberals."
PK.com says: Told a Syracuse University audience in March that "the next terrorist attack will be done by an Arab or Muslim man." Makes sense to me. A lot of her stuff is over the top, but no more illogical than screening elderly, white females and young, Arab males with the same scrutiny at airports.

Goodbye New York, It's Been a Blast

You can take the boy out of New York, but you can't take New York out of the boy. Or so we will find out soon enough.

I never dreamed of living anywhere but New York in my 20's. I always felt that I could tell my grandkids that I ran around the world's greatest city in my most vital years, or I could tell them I didn't. Knowing that my 30th birthday was coming up in 2003, I started thinking some months ago about what I wanted to do next. Maybe try a new city, maybe get back into the sports industry, maybe give back a little more to society.

I have found a new job that affords me all of that and, as hard as it is to admit it, I'm going to be moving to Beantown and working as the director of the Boston Red Sox community outreach program.

I know it's like sleeping with the enemy, but I won't tell if you don't that I'll be gettin' some on the side with my beloved Yankees. Sports has always been a source of fun for me, and it's never more fun than when you're a kid. Our programs will run the gamut of age groups, but I look forward most of all to helping kids understand the true value of sports: diversity, teamwork, exercise and learning how to deal with success as well as failure.

I'll be packing up pretty quickly. The movers are coming next week, and I guess I'll be updating this site sporadically till I get settled in my office.

I was up in Boston a couple of weeks ago to stake out a house in nearby Belmont. That deal was cemented today, as well, so things are already going swimmingly. Here are some pictures of my new place.