Killing in the Name of ... a Blu-Ray Player.
When 34-year-old Wal-Mart employee Jdimytai Damour was trampled to death on Black Friday, it showed how greed has consumed America, from the heights of Wall Street to the depths of Valley Stream.

These animals — I will not refer to them as customers — killed a man to acquire not what they needed, but what they merely wanted at a cheap price. An MP3 player, a digital camera, a video game. They killed over this.

The economic climate has changed dramatically the way some live, but it will never be an excuse to entirely disregard common decency. There's blood on a lot of Christmas presents that came out of that Valley Stream Wal-Mart on Nov. 28, and it just doesn't get any lower than that.

Sarah Palin and Her Minions of Morons
The next time a lifelong politician picks a woman he met once to help him run the country, it would be nice if she had a brain. Because it's less insulting that way.

John McCain actually put Country Last when he presented us Mrs. Palin, with her wisecracks, winks and, most importantly, tits. Make no mistake, the last part is the only reason she was selected. And that's plain pathetic.

Though unable to withstand the rigors of a Katie Couric interview, Palin still managed to "energize" the Republican base. And by base, I mean rich folk and white trash. Thankfully, she also energized the Democratic base, who'd tired of morons in the White House. On election night it was clear that pro-America communities do not exist only in podunk towns where they think you're more American if you have a bigger U.S. flag flying from your porch. They exist, too, in big cities like Chicago, where hundreds of thousands of people — a true melting pot of people, not just one middle-aged whitey after another — celebrated raucusly the taking back of our country.

Plaxico Burress
Everyone seems to have the same questions.

With security options available to the super-rich, why carry? Why would he patronize a place in which he didn't feel safe without a gun? Why would he take out the gun if not in danger?

They all come back to the same answer: AssLicko is a fucking idiot.

We'll ask more of certain athletes if they prove to be capable, but for jackasses like Burress, all we need is for him to run fast, catch the ball, and to not commit crimes. It's amazing how difficult that is for some grown men.

The Madden Video Game Franchise
Maybe the game got too good too fast. After peaking with the 2004 (Michael Vick cover) edition, improvements in gameplay seemed to serve the virgins on Madden Nation more than the general public. When I play video games, it's the have fun and relax, not try to remember which 16 button combinations I have to hit before each snap to try to stop Marion Barber from running it up my ass.

Babies of the Year
Any life of any baby — celebrity babies included — consists of three main activities: eating, sleeping and shitting. If that inspires you to learn more at PEOPLE.com about babies you don't know born to people you don't know, you might wanna call Plaxico Burress and see if he's got an extra bullet and improved aim.

Calories, Fat Grams and Carbs
I hate them all, and by the looks of my stomach, the feeling is mutual.