Review sites come in handy when researching the quality of consumer electronics and the trustworthiness of online retailers. They may even save you from sharing a hotel room with roaches. But when it comes to must-see destinations, the write-ups can be quite silly.
Take the Yelp.com review of Central Park, for example.
I'm a little shocked to see that anyone would take the time to give Central Park less than five stars. Not saying that everyone must hold the place as one of their dearest, but who comes out of there thinking, "Pffft. I gotta warn the masses about this place!"
People like these:
Kymberli C. from Clayton, Calif. says the place was "a lot less scary than I thought it would be." A lot less scary. A LOT less scary. How fucking scary do you think Central Park is? Do these pictures resemble a gangland or something? Let's get this out of the way first: If you're an adult and you believe Manhattan to be a city where people dodge stray bullets to get to work, you're a fucktard of the highest order. Feel free to watch your judge TV and briefcase game shows, but please don't fuck without birth control.
Diane M. of San Francisco, Calif. contends that while the place is huge, "there isn't much to see." As opposed to ... a circus on Mars? Yeah, Diane, if you're up for people-watching, definitely avoid this lame place.
Casey W., a local who probably didn't attend Columbia, writes, "the only reason I'm knocking a star is because it's so far uptown." Yeah, that's why I give the Grand Canyon only three stars. Who wants to deal without airport security? Ugh.
Mr. Met is from Stony Brook, NY, but must be by way of Uranus. He says, "There are several roads that allows cars that literally 'fly' through the park, so watch out." Yes, they literally fly. Up in the sky; it's a bird, it's a plane, it's a Central Park car. Very accurate review, Mr. Met. Thanks.
Finally, my favorite review comes from Jared R. of New York, who laments "There are not enough places to have sex here. I sat around tapping my foot all evening, but only the horses tapped back." Hahaha. No wonder that wimp from California was so scared.
Other Web Finds:
• Man Who Photographed 3,000 Women's Asses in Venice Is Arrested — You'd think after the first 2,500 he'd have enough spank material. This shit has been going on for years. Creeps abound at tourist spots, beaches, etc. They suck at life, but don't let them ruin your day simply because every one of theirs is closeted and lonely.
• IMDB.com: I'm a Dirty Filthy Cocksucking Cunt! — Eighteen reviewers gave this flick an average rating of 8.6/10, on par with Citizen Kane and It's a Wonderful Life.
• Yogi Berra's New Book: You Can Observe A Lot By Watching: What I've Learned About Teamwork From the Yankees and Life — Does anyone really think that 83-year-old Yogi Berra is sitting around writing books? The cover says "with Dave Kaplan," but I'm about 129 billion percent sure that Kaplan did the lion's share of the work. Like all of it. Hey Yogi, wnna hit that great Italian place we discovered last week? Nah, gotta bang out Chapter 6 tonight, or the publisher's gonna be on my ass.
