People Who Say The Bug Attack Didn't Cost the Yankees Game 2 of the ALDS. They obviously affected Joba Chamberlain, who was his usual lights out in the seventh inning, before turning into Ricky Vaughn in the eighth. But Fausto Carmona cruised, they say. So what? If you and I are involved in a free-throw contest that requires us to be nailed in the groin with a sledgehammer, and I make 0 out of 10 while you drain half, it doesn't mean the sledgehammer had no effect, it means you have no balls.

Religion. Prove it, bitches. If you can't, then Jesus is just a 2000-year-old version of Santa Claus. (Which would make Moses the Tooth Fairy.)

Automated Telemarketing Calls to Cell Phones. All the obnoxiousness of a live-person call without being able to laugh at them for having a miserable job. (Do Not Call registry seemed to end this immediately, however.)

New York Knicks. The crimes of James Dolan and Isiah Thomas warrant Malaysian-caning justice. On the court, off the court, it's The Perfect Shitstorm.

Frank TV Commercials. They promised us "Very Funny" a billion times during the baseball playoffs. Couldn't they have been honest and claimed "Mildly Humorous" instead?

Poker Players Who Smell Like Satan's Asshole. As a whole, poker players are among the most put-together set in a casino. That's not saying much, but at least they're typically younger and sharper than the dice-throwing degens who salivate at even-money props (a long-term coin flip, yay!) or the fire-breathing, future-lung-cancer patients spinning the Idiot Wheels. Still, it would be nice if some of them didn't bathe in a mix of chicken curry and toe-cheese purée.

Game Show Families. Since their early Family Feud days, when Richard Dawson would molest Ma and peek down Sis' blouse, these sugar-high freaks have celebrated every 20 bucks with high-fives, pogo-jumps and the most uncomfortable-to-watch man-hugs this side of college frat reunions. Now they pollute our airwaves nightly — as networks continue to fellate the least common denominator — waving arms for gay cousins singing karaoke and pushing sons-in-laws to risk their granddaughter's college education money and shoot for an additional pickle farm, if only the $1,000,000 briefcase can be avoided on the dumbest show in the history of mankind.

Everyone Else But Me at the Airport. It's like there's a whole world of SuperTards out there, and we're on the same travel schedule. You could make a list of Top 100 Assclowns at the Airport and still not have room for the dipshit who, upon landing, charges out of his seat in row 28, thinking he's gonna beat everyone else to the door. We will find space, though, for the guy who checks 12 luggage tags at the carousel, then finally finds his green, one-of-a-kind bag.

Michael Vick Supporters. He was granted a free college education. He's been surrounded by achievers in sports, business and education his entire adult life. He didn't just make a regrettable mistake one night. He funded a knowingly illegal-in-50-states gambling operation that entertained low-lifes based on how much injury dogs could inflict on each other, personally hanging ones not as blood-hungry as he. This was his doing, his fault, his choices, his selected route to jail instead of paths to success that he encountered as an advantaged adult (physically, financially, socially networked) every single day.

For more Festivus crabbing by a host of guest writers, check out the righteous blog Airing of Grievances later this week.