Here's what else is on my mind:

• How fucked up is this country that Epic Movie got some of the most god-awful reviews in recent memory yet opened at No. 1? I swear I'm scared to leave Manhattan sometimes.

• Conversely, The Departed is proof that Hollywood can still make a good movie if it wants to. Which is what happens when established talent collaborates without pressure to scream "attention, Wal-Mart shoppers."

• Imagine how much of a food giant McDonald's would be if that shit was actually good for you.

• Now that Peyton Manning has bested Rex Grossman and the Bears in a turnover-inducing downpour, I have elevated him to one of the NFL's all-time great QBs. His previous 156 regular-season and playoff games didn't provide me with enough information to go on.

• You ever watch a woman highlight a book on a subway? Not novels, but more practical works. They highlight everything, as if they have no memory whatsoever. Yes, ladies, there are important lines in every paragraph. They're called topic sentences. Get used to 'em.

• You know what you're better at drunk? Nothing. Not pool, not fighting, not sex, not poker, and for me, definitely not Guitar Hero.

• Last month, Bill Simmons wrote that that the Patriots have become the Yankees. Which they are, except that the Pats aren't popular nationally, aren't the league's most important franchise, don't have a decades-long run of icons and champions like Ruth, DiMaggio, Mantle, Jackson and Jeter, and had about the most bland history possible up until six seasons ago. The Yankees, meanwhile, are the Steelers, Cowboys and 49ers combined. Believe it.

• Somewhere along the line, the Chrysler Building got fucked. Too many surrounding buildings impeded on its majesty.

• Millionaire pro poker players who whine "one time!" on a coin-flip situation deserve a taser to the balls.

• You don't meet a lot of broads named Milliscent anymore.

• What I wouldn't give to hear an American try to explain to a curious foreign tourist why Anna Nicole Smith was such a big deal here.