It used to be that, in order to be named TIME's Person of the Year, you had to do something world-changing or globally inspiring. Like be the first man to fly across the Atlantic Ocean. Or stare down Adolf Hilter. Or lead the race to the moon. (See archive.)

Now all you have to do is breathe.

Sunday, TIME announced that "You" is the Person of the Year. Congratulations, um, everyone.

What I wouldn't have given to have been in the TIME meeting when the finalists were debated. A section editor probably made a pitch for a leader or two in politics. Serious consideration was likely given to someone in science, or entertainment, or philanthropy. And then a staffer said, "Hey, how about every single person in the entire world. That ought to sell copies." It's something Dwight Schrute would come up with, if Dunder-Mifflin were a publishing company.

Sex offenders, drug dealers, serial killers and even Curt Schilling, take a bow. You've joined the likes of Martin Luther King, Jr., Franklin D. Roosevelt and "The Computer" (who was unavailable for comment back in 1982).

This is truly a great day to be alive. Because, if you're alive, you're the Person of the Year. So, I guess the clown who leaped into the Yankee Stadium netting last year really did make something of himself.

Today's News:

• Condoms 'Too Big' For Indian Men — And your buddy Samir wonders why no chicks reply to his Match.com mail. (Found on Airing of Grievances)

• Vincent Gallo Ups Price for Sex With Him — The days of the $50,000 bang with Gallo are gone. Now it costs 100 large. Total sales to date: 0.