• Britney Spears Text-Messages K-Fed Her Divorce Intentions — I still don't think Britney's gonna do Playboy till she's 30 — maybe to celebrate turning 30 — but it's time for Hugh Hefner to go all-in and try to sign this MILF before he bolts for the ménage à trois in the sky.

Britney has been among the top web searches since the Lycos 50 was born, joining only Pamela Anderson, WWE, NFL and Dragonball as top-50 search terms each of the last 366 weeks. A leaked sex vid of her would still cause bandwidth overloads on college campuses nationwide, and I bet that if one exists, a certain guy who got a certain text message this week would strongly consider "accidentally" sending it via e-mail to a friend.

Brit's looking better and better these days, clearly trying to return to 2000 form. And here's the best part: when celebs bust their asses to look better, they love to show it off. Hef, git-r-done! (Just sign her for the June 2007 issue and throw in a bunch of personal-training sessions.)

Two other points: never seen the public so gleeful about a break-up, even if it came a year-and-a-half later than most expected, and ya gotta feel sorry for the kids, if it's possible to feel sorry for people born to mothers worth $120 million.

• Gary Sheffield Blasts Yanks for Picking Up $13 Million Option — I guess the soon-to-be-38-year-old hoped his option would be declined so that he could negotiate a multi-year deal with the Yanks or another club. Now he'll just have to prove his worth in 2008 and beyond with what he does in 2007. Man, these guys have it rough. Sheffield was 7-for-33, with no extra-base hits, in the last two Yankees postseason series. Must be A-Rod's fault.

• Plaxico Burress Calls Bears Cornerbacks "Very Beatable" — This should come as great news to Bears fans, as the last big-mouthed wide receiver to actually back-up his smack was, um, no one. Plaxico, who should one day enter Canton with an adult admission ticket, almost certainly did more harm than good. Four catches for 42 yards sounds about right, but I hope I'm way wrong.

• Democrats Take Control of Capitol Hill — Ya know, we could have sent this message to President Bush two years ago. Uh, thanks, Ohio.

• Michael Vick Stinks Again After Two Great Games — Vick makes for great TV, and not just when playing Madden. I love watching him play. But the hype he got for consecutive great games in Weeks 7 and 8 was ridiculous. The guy's in his sixth year after being the No. 1 overall pick. You'd think that's enough of a sample size to know what he is — and isn't — capable of ... on a regular basis. He is what he is, and he's no Steve Young, who is the best I've ever seen at doing what a QB is supposed to do: move a team down the field with his arm and/or legs and/or brain.