And you know she's made at least a couple of private bedroom films. We're talking about a woman who once married a childhood friend on a whim in Vegas. Someone who also married Kevin Federline, then reproduced with him. God knows how much money she's wired to Nigeria over the years.

Just think about how awesome the public reaction would have been.

First, nothing sets off an Internet craze quite like a celebrity sex vid. Put it this way: surfers went absolutely insane over Paris Hilton's tape, despite the fact that almost no one finds her attractive or likable. The Chyna/X-Pac vid was significantly less popular, but U.S. culture hasn't completely warmed up to sex between two men.

Second, Britney Spears, circa 2000, could lay claim to being the most wanted woman in the history of the world. Week after week, month after month, she was the most-searched person on every search engine. And these people weren't looking for tour dates. (Even now, she's ranked No. 12 on the Lycos 50, and she hasn't done anything for years except pretend every night was her Last Supper.) Guys searched for pics of her knowing she'd never done Playboy, never had a nude scene in a movie, never even had a red-carpet nipple slip. Publicity stills were enough to keep college kids in the shower an extra 10 minutes, for god's sake.

That's why I think a Britney Spears sex tape would have set the Internet on fire. Literally. I'm not even kidding. You would have seen smoke coming out of dorm rooms.

Which brings me to my latest and greatest business idea that any of you are welcome to steal: celebrity lookalike sex videos!

Think of how much sense that makes. Look, if there's a market for Butt Hole Boulevard, Let Me Tell Ya 'Bout Fat Chicks and San Fernando Jones & the Temple of Poon (those are all Ron Jeremy works, by the way), there's always room for more porn. And there are celebrity lookalikes everywhere. I don't know who hires them or what they do, but are you telling me we can't find a few runaways in L.A. who resemble Angelina Jolie on a bad hair day?

I'm telling you, if a Jib Jab cartoon starring George W. Bush and John Kerry can become an Intenet sensation, someone can make a buck releasing a series of online sex vids starring celeb lookalikes.

Other Random Thoughts:

• Here's another idea you can steal. Next time you go to a game with a couple who's been dating for awhile, pay the club to post a fake marriage proposal on the scoreboard. Then pretend to get a beer between innings and watch the hilarity from a distance.

• Attention Chinese restaurateurs: NO ONE ELSE STAPLES THEIR TAKE-OUT CONTAINERS FOR A REASON!

• Sometimes I wonder what went through the mind of the first guy who milked a cow and then drank what came out, but he must've been saner than the first guy who lighted a fart. I'm guessing that occurred about five minutes after man discovered fire.

• It's a good thing all those Red Sux fans promised years ago that they "only wanted one" and they'll be happy forever. Otherwise they'd be pretty upset that they were in first place at the start of August and out of the playoff picture at the start of September.

• What do you think was the most money ever bet by two drunk, rich guys on one of those between-innings ballpark games. Ya know, like the Yankees' great subway race. Has to be in the thousands of dollars, right?

• I'm a big fan of posting silly memos on checks I write to friends, but nothing beats the $130 check I got from my pal "For Oral." Not a big deal till I noticed the name on the bank account was his wife's.

• Ya know who I hate at ballgames? The "I called it" guys. They never predict anything good. All game long, they play Debbie Downer, predicting a batter will strike out or a reliever will blow a lead, then proudly claim, "I called it!" when it happens. Of course, they say nothing when they're wrong 75% of the time.

• John Kruk does a great Chris Farley impersonation, just by sitting on the Baseball Tonight set. Every time I see that guy in a suit, I think of Tommy Boy and crack up.

• It's only a matter of time before someone invents a pocket device that makes phone calls, takes pictures, plays audio files, brews beer, sends "running-low" alerts to your 420 hook-up, stalks your MySpace crush and gives you road head on the drive to work.

• If poker pros hate the fact that the WSOP Main Event draws so many dead-money players, why don't they actually win some of it? The event is what it is, a free-for-all p.r. stunt. But last I checked, that p.r. helped sell a lot of their books.

• I keep forgetting, in my softball games, to do what Deion Sanders did before he bat: draw dollar signs in the batter's box. Next time, I swear.

• Missing in all those reports of USA basketball's performance in the World Championshsips: the part about why I should care.

• Nothing says tech nimrod like someone who fails to remove a sticker on a digital camera that highlights its megapixels and zoom range. You know these are the same people — the ones who don't even know there's a removable sticker on a $400 piece of electronics — who take shitty pics and post them all (including the bad ones) on Shutterfly without even an attempt to crop or edit them.