Well, ladies, have I got the man for you.

Yep, it's the Win a Date With Ron Jeremy contest.

Jeremy possesses all those qualities, and has even been known to give himself oral sex — so that takes a little bit of a burden off you.

Imagine a romantic lunch of "hamburger, shake and fries" (I shit you not) with someone every guy looks up to and at least a few hundreds porn scarlets have gone down on.

The contest is sponsored by SugarDVD.com, a Netflix-like porn-subscription service that I didn't know existed. Let's just say I hate my Netflix account right now.

Interestingly, the official rules mention nothing about the contest being limited to female entrants. So any guy looking to climb the Mount Everest of "you know how I know you're gay?" put-downs should definitely enter this one. Going on a date with Ron Jeremy sure beats the hell out of that "rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says 'I love it when balls are in my face.'" Er, maybe not.

Today's Web Finds:

• The Stephen Colbert 'On Notice' Board Generator — I don't watch his show, but I guess he makes a board listing things he has issues with at the moment. So, um, preseason NFL football, you're on notice!

• The Weekly Internet TV Charts — An index of the top videos served up on Google, YouTube, Digg and VideoSift. (Found through Research Buzz)

• Madden NFL 07 Team Ratings — Someone wanna tell me how the Seahawks have a slightly higher-rated offense and defense than the Giants, but a slightly lower-rated overall ranking? Individual player rankings are out, as well.

• David Beckham's Worst Penalty Kick Ever — I love this clip posted on Flash Warner's site. The shot of the two Portugal supporters laughing at him is priceless.

• Jim Caple's 'Believe It ... or Not' — Hey, a Caple column I actually enjoyed, filled with observations on how sports fans often don't make a lot of sense. Example: "We believe that postseason baseball games start too late at 8:20 ET but that Monday Night Football games starting at 9:10 are just right."