Actually, it's not so much a joke as it is a Reuters news report. (But believe me, you'll laugh anyway.)

Fateh Mohammad, a Pakistani prisoner serving a four-year sentence for making liquor, underwent a 90-minute operation after waking up with a light bulb in his anus.

Mohammad swears he doesn't know who put the light bulb in his ass. Police or other prisoners, he believes.

I'm what you'd call a light sleeper. I wake up to the slightest of noise or disturbance. But even if you drugged me with an elephant's dosage of codeine, nailed me in the head with a pitch thrown by Ozzie Guillen's henchmen, and tied me up with Britney Spears' XXXXXL panties, I'd STILL jump out of bed in a milisecond if something was being shoved down my one-way street.

Thus, I believe, the only way Mohammad is ever gonna come face-to-face with the man who stuck a light bulb in his anus is ... to find him a nice, clean mirror.

And is there any doubt the fucker was gonna try to sit on a source of electricity?

(Thanks, Trixie, for the link)

Today's Web Finds:

• Celebrities We Never Wanted to See Naked — Can you imagine walking into a sperm bank and, in order to facilitate the deposit, they hand you an issue of Playboy featuring Chyna? I'd just spit in a cup till I reached a tablespoon's worth. (Previously: My review of the Chyna and X-Pac sex video.)

• Lesson of the Day: "75 Years Is Not Old for a Cock" — Howard Stern pranks a Korean clock-repair shop and speaks to a woman who's not adept at pronouncing her l's. But she says she has no problem helping Howard with his 10-inch, black clock. She's kind of an expert, because, as she says, "I have over 100 cocks here."

• The 7 Greatest Superpowers — I'm with the author. Super strength, X-ray vision and the like don't have a thing on the "Zack Morris Time Out."

• Ali G Show: Frat Guys Punk'd By 'Gay Australia TV' — It's all P-A-R-T-Y for these wrestlers until they find out they just exposed their asses for flamers overseas. Bruno shoving his face in their crotches didn't seem to bother them, though.

• Awkward Moments Abound in Penis Pump Trial — At first I thought Austin Powers was on the stand, but no, it's an Oklahoma judge. And get this, he's been accused of using it in the courtroom during trials. One former employee said she saw the guy expose himself at least 15 times. You'd think after, um, I don't know, ONCE, it might have been something worth reporting.