Steel and plastic. I like 'em both.

But I don't want them in my dick.

Chick Lennon of Providence, R.I., however, thought it was a good idea to accept such a penile implant, which left him with a raging hard-on for 10 years. And now he's $400,000 richer, thanks to a lawsuit victory.

Now, I've never had an erection for 10 years. I guess high school and college count for eight, so we're close. Maybe you can curve that data because I attended college during the grunge era, when flannel (ugh!) was in, the coked-up '80s was out, and Britney had yet to influence a whole generation of sluts in low-rise jeans and exposed thongs. In other words, great fucking timing.

But get this: 10-year-erections are bad.

According to the AP, Lennon claimed "he could no longer hug people, ride a bike, swim or wear bathing trunks." I don't know that isn't offset by being able to fuck all night, but whatever. Money is money.

Finally, This Thought:

• When I wrote for ESPN.com, countless readers would ask me how to to land a gig at the Worldwide Leader in Dominoes. (I always told them the same thing: simultaneous bathroom handjobs for Stuart Scott and The Schwab.) Anyway, I'm wondering how you get to be the offbeat news editor at the AP. Is that a low-level gig or, as I suspect, the choice job in the office? I mean, would you prefer to be the sports-wrap guy who writes boring leads, or call some schmuck in Nebraska and ask him how his severed testicle is doing and whether or not he plans to do woodworking naked again?

• Thanks to Pee Wee for the link. I wish you'd all comment more, but the e-mails are great. Always appreciated.

• Image blatantly stolen from my buddy Tequila Dave's website. I originally searched Google Images for "erection," and let's just say it wasn't pretty. I think I would have been less sickened querying "Free nude pictures of Ann Coulter taking a dump."

Today's Web Finds:

• Screw Screech! — I knew Dustin Diamond's T-shirt sale to save his house would incite people who'd rather pay to see him homeless in Wisconsin. This proves it. And so does Drinking With Bob's video rant.

• Some Dude Goes Down on Victoria Silvstedt, Then She Smells His Feet — The "Boom Goes the Dynamite" kid just celebrated the invention of the Internet. No one's gonna remember him after this. (Thanks, Laurie)

• On Tape: Rep Won't Let Customer Quit AOL — Some dude calls AOL to cancel his account. The rep tries to "help" him by pestering him with stupid questions to make him stay. Even Special Ed isn't that dumb. Do you got mail? (Thanks, Tim)

• A Cheater's Guide to Board Games — Battleship is based on the honor system, no? Ha, that shit hasn't worked for 1,000 years. (Found on Gorilla Mask)

• Republican Leadership Obsessed With Bush's Ass — I've now linked to penis and man-ass. That's it for you ladies for a loooong time.

• The Sports Guy: The YouTube Hall of Fame — If you haven't seen this already, Bill Simmons indexed a ton of great video clips from everyone's favorite copyright-infringement site. Some are even related to sports! Fuck WWE for making someone take down the Fuji Vice clip. (Hey, it's on WWE.com if you're dumb enough to pay for it.)

• NASCAR Stage Diving Goes Horribly Bad — And by bad, I mean it's awesome. As one Deadspin visitor wrote, the fact that no one got hurt makes it less funny.

• Party Held at Animal House's Doug Neidermeyer's Restaurant Gets Out of Hand — Love this part: "According to a police report, one officer found what 'appeared to be a pair of male feet and a pair of what appeared to be female feet' inside a stall in the women's restroom." Sheep? Donkey? Who knows! Guess that was more romantic than the men's shitter. This also took place in Wisconsin, but Screech couldn't afford a taxi to the bash. (Thanks, Joe)

• Top Ten Female Streakers — Finally, some boobs. (Found on Cracked)

• The First Annual Superman Roast — Cracked asked New York comics to throw their best barbs at the Man of Steel. Here's Joe DeRosa's take on why Kate Bosworth is no Margot Kidder: "I like my Lois to look like she just downed a fifth of Rumplemintz and a handful of perks while the Daily Planet staff ran a train on her in the copy room at the Christmas party."