Well, that about wraps it up for U.S. soccer till 2010. I guess Bode Miller has someone to make fun of now.

Our basketball, baseball and soccer teams have all flopped in their most-recent international tournaments. And that means, with Lance Armstrong retired, the most clutch athlete we have on the world stage is ... The Flying Tomato!

At times like this, it's important to remember all the great things about our country:

1. We can still bomb the shit out of any country we want, at any time, for whatever reason. (And it doesn't even have to be a good reason.)

2. The best porn in the world, hands down, is produced in sunny California. Give it up for the runaways!

3. Even our cigarette companies look out for your health with those warning labels. They're all heart.

4. Name me one other country remotely capable of producing a show as cerebral as Judge Hatchett. "Ah, na you di'n't!"

5. Dustin Fucking Diamond

As for the game:

• Good crowd at Scruffy Duffy's for the 10 a.m. ET game. Not much of a standing crowd, but all seats were taken. Figure about 60 people in the joint.

• I actually leaped off my bar stool when we tied the score. Do I even have to say that's the first time I've ever done that for soccer?

• The bald guy in goal seemed to be our MVP of the tourney. And he gave up six times as many goals as we put into our opponents' nets. (Not counting Italy's own-goal, of course.)

• I thought the blonde metrosexual who kicks the ball played well, too.

• ESPN's crowd shots in Times Square cracked me up. Dude, it's always that crowded there.

• In the 16th minute, it was announced that Larry Brown was fired as head coach of the Knicks, and that Isiah Thomas would take over. I'm presuming everyone in Times Square just killed themselves.

• Saw Al Sharpton on his cell phone on the street after the game. He didn't look too pissed.

• Watched the Italy-Czech game on an adjacent TV and saw one of the Italians writhing on the ground and grabbing his ass again. Is that in their playbook or something?

• Ghana was called for twice as many fouls as us (32-16), yet our players were still one-quarter as likely to be seen rolling on the turf, clutching their legs and calling someone to administer last rites. Clearly, we're branding ourselves as a little more macho than most teams.

• Not giving up on the World Cup just yet, but I'm not sure which team to latch onto. I'm techinically half-Italian, but I don't really buy into that crap when I'm 100% American. I guess I'll support whichever team has the most broads slutting it in those wire photos. In other words, goooooo Sweden!