Tipping is a pain in my ass.
It's not that I don't want to pay what's fair, I just don't want the onus to be on me to determine that fair fare. Responsibility and me ... we're not exactly BFF.
Tipping bartenders is the biggest pain in the bizalls, because there are so many variables. I might tip based on drinks purchased, time spent at the bar, buybacks, final tab, or amount of cleavage shoved in my face.
Tallying a tip for a cabbie is the easiest. It's straight-up math — you do the ol' $1 plus change up to $10 or so, start doling out a couple bucks after that. Since it's so simple to figure — because 99% of cab rides are the same — this practice goes against the philosophy of tipping in the first place, which is to reward exceptional service.
You remember the last time you emerged from a cab and praised, "Wow, that was awesome," don't ya? It was right around never.
Wrong turns and remnants of a chicken curry lunch — in solid or gaseous form — aside, I never really have a bad cab experience. And apart from looking the other way when you're hooking up in the back, there's little a cabbie can do to stand out from the thousands of others.
So, I say to my NPR-listening, always-on-the-damn-cell-phone drivers, just tell me how much to pay already!
Other Ponderables:
• I dig my Omaha Steaks deliveries, but I'm not sure their latest e-mail campaign, the one that screams "MID-YEAR CLEARANCE SALE!" sounds all that appetizing.
• Here's a tip for webmasters who want to re-post my writings: don't. Especially if you're not gonna credit me, and I'm gonna be tipped off to it, like some dude at TheDailyColumn.com who used my "What Your Yankees Jersey Says About You" piece and re-wrote the intro to make it seem like it was his. See, there's a reason why it's called "original content."
• I saw where Paris Hilton dropped from No. 3 to No. 11 on FHM's Sexiest Women list. Let that be a lesson to all you rich skanks out there. If you stop giving bad head under a NightVision scope, we'll lose respect for you.
• You know what the difference is between describing yourself as one who "values sincerity" and one who is "brutally honest?" It's the difference between coming off as a righteous person and a total bitch.
• Can we get Bill Clinton and Bush No. 41 to band together for another important initiative, like convincing the Astros, Yankees and Red Sux to collectively tell Roger Clemens to bite it?
• Here's an open letter to people who write open letters: You're a hack. Maybe not as bad as the ones who begin columns by giving the Webster's definition of words like "desire" and "commitment," but a hack nonetheless. Especially if you're posting public letters to Barry Bonds on some blog with a counter that reads 0000192.
• What kinds of snacks were rejected before pork rinds make it into our delis?
• YES replayed Dave Righetti's July 4, 1983, no hitter against the Red Sux — the one that culminated with the most feeble swing in Wade Boggs' career — and I was taken aback by all the shirtless, hairy guys in the primo seats. Watch for it next time, it's quite disturbing. Also an indicator of how corporate the lower level has gotten in the past decade or so.
• Only one alum from MTV's Remote Control was bound for late-night B-movie nudity, and I'm so glad it was Kari Wuhrer and not Ken Ober, Colin Quinn or Adam Sandler (the "Stud Boy"). Here's a scarily comprehensive Kari Whurer fan site. Obsess much?
• I don't know what's harder to avoid: peering into neighbors' apartments when they leave their door cracked open or looking at the title of the book some subway-riding stranger is reading. It's just impossible to not be nosy under these circumstances. (Especially if you smell dead bodies coming out of apartment 5J, or at least gatch a glimpse of some cool lighting set-up.)
• No one with more cheer has ever made me feel more murderous than Rachel Ray. She's just so fucking peppy!
• Can you really say to a midget, "Nah, no one's looking" with a straight face?
• There's a law now against eating while riding the subway. What's next, a law against licking your own feet on the bus?
I visited thedailycolumn.com, left them a one-cent donation on PayPal and e-mailed their contributors about lifting Paul's column. The thief's e-mail address is richie@thedailycolumn.com. I think he owes his readers and advertisers, not to mention Paul, an apology.
I normally don't call people out like that, especially when I'm not the victim, but these guys are taking credit for Paul's stuff and using it to seek donations and advertising.
Posted by Kevin Wilson at May 16, 2006 3:10 AM