2 Guys - 1 room, two double beds
3 Guys - 1 room, two double beds, one rollaway bed for $10 surcharge, rock-paper-scissors to determine who gets stuck with the cot
4 Guys - 2 rooms

One of 'em drops this bomb the other night:

"I think we got one room for Tampa."

Again, we have four guys. (And no, the other two aren't A-Rod and Jeter.)

I reply with the obvious: "WHAT?!?!?!"

He does the "what's the big deal?" thing. And he ain't talking sleeping bags. He's actually thinking of sharing beds. What the fuck is this, Brokeback Baseball?

I look around for TV cameras trying to catch me getting pranked. I ask him 12 times if he's kidding. Nope.

"What's the big deal?" I ask rhetorically. "BECAUSE GUYS GET FIVE HARD-ONS A NIGHT, THAT'S THE BIG DEAL!!!"

He and the four females in our party were unaware of this fact. How much time they've spent around a penis, I don't know. I have almost 33 years of experience, and I can tell you it's true. (This "Go Ask Alice" explainer does a good job of laying out the science, but I refute its tally of four per night, thinking that five is more accurate, since not all of the sleep-time boners last two hours.)

Why do you think it's such a huge risk to sleep in boxers on a friend's couch? You never know when the dog's gonna walk itself.

Today's Web Finds:

• Arizona State Student Caught Whacking Off to Online Porn in Library — I'd give this kid automatic straight A's just for delivering this excuse: "To be honest, the Internet connection at my dorm isn't good enough." (Thanks, Laurie)

• Reviews on Esteban's Piece-of-Shit Guitar — Finally caught one of this asshole's late-night infomercials, proclaiming his cheap, custom guitar as "best" this and "finest" that and wanted to throw up. Now, I'm all for buying a low-grade instrument to learn on before making a truer investment, but to blatantly lie about its quality is sickening. If he can't be honest and say it's a beginner's tool, then I can't say for sure I wouldn't kick him in the nuts if given the chance. Why is this accepted on TV when retail stores would be called to the carpet for flat-out deceiving customers? It's a fucking crime, perpetrated by every writer, producer and cameraperson in this theft. And no, I never bought one. I own a Takamine EG-531SC, which has received much more favorable reviews.

• Who Was the "Bouncing Topless Woman on Plane" in Airplane!? — Someone asked this question on a message board and I found out Kitten Natividad was given that exact credit. Never heard of her, but if you do a Google Images search for her, you can see her prepare to tongue someone's balls. Which is always fun.

• Maxim's Video of Stacey Keibler Photoshoot — Hot stuff of my No. 1 broad, though I'd settle for Alyssa Milano if I had to. Anyway, the only things that concern me about Stacey are that people who obsess over fitness scare me, and I'm not sure if she's too much of a goody-goody. I might need to come across one Page 6 article in which she admits to enjoy giving road head or something. Then her crown is solid for three years, at least. While we're at it, here's a site hat boasts over 5,900 pictures of Stacey, including these new high-res scans from Diva magazine (found in only the finest dentist's offices).

• Latina Pamela David Showing Massive Cleavage — Can't say I've ever heard of her. Can't say I'd last more than two minutes, either.

• Overheard in New York: Jizz for Peanut Butter a Fair Trade — Some dude complains to his gal that he doesn't want to share a particular sundae, because he hates the taste of peanut butter. She retorts: "Are you kidding me? I ate your jizz just a couple of hours ago. I think you eating the ice cream I want would be a decent fucking compromise!" Hey, baby, guess who just ordered a year's supply of Jif?

• My Name Is All Over These Fucking Porn Blogs — Link goes to a Google Blogs search for my name, which is rooted, heavily, in these stupid porn sites that don't even seem to exist. Check out this super-gay excerpt: "She felt very warm and oh so paul katcher tight!" And another gem: "Linda looked up paul katcher at her father as she slowly descended down to her knees." Can't say I'm a fan of this one: "She lifted her ass off the bed, paul katcher fucking her dildo harder and harder." In other news, I'm never running for office.

• Double-Vented Willywarmers Are Here! — It's a thermal sock for your cock. I hear these are huge in Milan. (Found on Thrillist)

• David Hasselhoff Video: Hooked on a Feeling — If this is real, I'm throwing myself off the tallest bridge I can find before the end of the week. (Thanks, Laurie)

• 100 Greatest Dogs in Pop Culture History — Well, 99 dogs and Dino the dinosaur. Dogbert and Muttly over Rowlf and Astro? No fucking way. (Found on Gorilla Mask)

• Kitchen-Stocking Tips — I took a five-day cooking course last week and, wow, let's just say I didn't know what the fuck I was doing before. Anyway, this Metafilter post and tons of user comments are filled with great advice, in terms of how to spend your money on knives (good chef's knife and paring knife are essential), pans, utensils, etc., and where you can buy such items.

• Gallery of Demonic Tots and Deeply Disturbing Cuisine — Food ads from the 50s, starring freckled-faced freaks. (Found on Hot Johnny and All of His Pants)

• NYC Chick Bloggers' Spread in The Daily — The comments at the end of this Gawker post are bitchy, bitchy, bitchy. That site hosts enough hate to make the Trench Coat Mafia blush.

• Wikipedia: Cain and Abel — The story of the third and fourth human beings ever, as told to the Internet generation. I'm sure nothing has gotten lost in the translation during this time.

• I'm Pro-Choice and I Fuck — The Village Voice's Lusty Lady on the intimate link between reproductive and sexual freedom.

• Pixel Counting Joins Film in Obsolete Bin — The megapixel race is pretty much over, as I've told you before. At this point, even the most average compact digicams are capable of printing photos larger than the significant majority of people need or even want. But image stabilization is hot.

• Porn Stars Dillan Lauren and Ava Vincent in On-Set Cat Fight — Two words sum up this buffet brawl: FLYING BURRITO.

• Legendary New Orleans Entertainer Eddie Gabriel Confirmed Dead — Sad, sad news about the man who played at Pat O'Brien's for more than 67 years and went missing when Katrina hit. I had the privilege of posing for a picture with him in 2001, after our own tough times here.