Just the other night, there she was on my TV, smoking some two-foot-long cigarette with her juggs begging to be released from the clutches of Lex Luther, a man who, despite boasts of being the greatest criminal mind of his time, had the courtesy to address this double-pump milk dispenser as "Miss."

Back then I didn't have the appreciation for superfluous eye candy that I have now. I was probably more enraptured by the Fortress of Solitude or some shit. Maybe even Marlon Brando's chins. But now that I'm, um, mature, I'm left to ponder: Who was Miss Teschmacher? What was her deal? And did she ever take those puppies out for a walk?

Here's what I found out:

Miss Teschmacher's first name was Eve. Off to a bad start, as Eve is the namesake of the bitch who now makes Catholic girls feel guilty for having pre-marital sex. Not that they enjoy it any less, but that's for another post, when I feel like losing half my readers.

Eve Teschmacher was played by Valerie Perrine. Ever hear of her? Me neither. Perrine's IMDB page lists her credits, including "Female Cop Pulling Over Lamborghini Babes" in The Cannonball Run. She was born Sept. 3, 1943, which makes her 62 years old. Or, as I like to call it, perfectly ripe!

Valerie Perrine was Playboy's August 1981 covergirl. Was she naked in it? The fuck if I know. A Google Images search for "valerie + perrine + playboy" brings up nothing but PG-rated cover images, but a search for just "valerie + perrine" unearths some kind of boobage. My verdict: bogus. If some celeb gets naked, it appears on Google Images 400 times, not once or twice. (If someone out there was buying Playboys a quarter-century ago, help us out with this. I'll kick in some kind of donation toward your Medicaid.)

Miss Teschmacher's measurements were 39-24-35. What, you doubt Celebrity Sleuth magazine? (Eh, I don't buy it, either. The measurements, that is. The magazine I buy, through automatic-renewing subscriptions.)

Miss Teschmacher was the 'Mother of Harlots' and 'Mary Magdalene.' Or so says a 2003 piece in the Journal of Religion and Film titled "The Unholy Biblical Subtexts and Other Religious Elements Built into Superman: The Movie (1978) and Superman II (1981)." You think I'm kidding?

Miss Teschmacher had some serious bowel control. Wikipedia's Superman II entry includes this exchange:

[Lex Luthor and Miss Teschmacher explore Superman's Fortress of Solitude.]
Lex Luthor: It's beautiful! It has everything.
Miss Teschmacher: Wrong.
Lex Luthor: Why didn't you go before we left?
Miss Teschmacher: That was two days ago.

Miss Teschmacher answers to only one call. "Miss Teschmacher!!!"