But I ain't Amazon.com founder Jeff Bezos, so I wish him luck in peddling the "GasBGon Flatulence Odor Control Seat Cushion — Signature Series."

The jokes are so easy, they almost write themselves.

First, what's this "signature series" all about? Is it signed by someone's ass? I haven't seen a title so preposterous since The Original Whizzinator.

Second, it comes in four patterns: Black, Musical Solo, Silent But Deadly, and, yes, the checkboard Winner's Circle. Yeah, the same model Jeff Gordon plans to ass-blast all over Daytona next month.

Third, the user reviews are hilarious. Check out these snippets, edited, in some instances, to coherent English:

fmj010 says: "Like all husbands, my wife is convinced that I am the gasiest man in the world. Of course, the truth is she rips off some massive farts that she is certain are both odorless and feminine. We share a workspace together and, whenever she feels like dropping a bomb, she just lets it rip."

Bruce E. Chang says: "At least two puffs of putrid air ahead of its predecessor the chickenscratch series, this cushion really does the trick. Instead of a direct inhalation, it's more like gently wafting the odor and no one is the wiser, except you of course *wink*."

Red Headed Stranger says: "I take the butt blaster everywhere I go; in the pick-up, to my head-injury support group meetings, and even to church PEW. Ha ha ha. Thanks, Fart Pillow!"

J. Harms says: "Usually my farts are bad enough that people around me say they can actually TASTE them. Not anymore!"

Zeb Squirrel says: "My name is Zeb and my farts stink. But now no one has to know unless I want them to — which is occasionally when a guest overstays his welcome!"

And While We're on the Subject...

• Wind Breaks: Coming to Terms With Flatulence — A paperback book available on — you guessed it — Amazon.com. Buy it used for the low, low price of $0.01.

• Wikipedia's Extensive Entry on Flatulence — Pretty soon we're gonna have to rename this site TMI.com, unless you really wanted to know that worms fart.

Today's Web Finds:

• Auto Suck: The In-Car Masturbator — "Plugs into any lighter!" blares the packaging on this eBay-listed item. It also advises, "Warning: This unit may cause ejaculation." Well, I should hope so for $31.99.

• Best Week Ever Blog — VH1's blog on pop-culture happenings is actually pretty good. Now if someone could tell them they don't need to put the date in huge type (larger than the headline, which makes no sense) over every fucking post.

• Man's Hiccup-Cure Idea For Nephew Turns Deadly — Ya know, people have tried to scare me out of hiccups, but they stopped short of pulling out a gun and accidentally shooting me to death.

• Webshots: Now That's a Body Shot — Whipped cream and boobies. Montreal sure is fun. (Found on CollegeHumor.com)

• Business 2.0's 101 Dumbest Moments in Business 2005 — Combine 'em all and you still can't fuck up as much as the merger between Time Warner and AOL. (My initial stock options at the start of 2001 were at $48. The current price is $17.29.)

• Online Service Makes Matches in the Sky — A New York-based company allows people to post profiles and find seatmates on flights. I wonder if the screen name "MileHighClubOrBust" is taken.