This week, I'm playing the role of Mr. Clean, throwing out bags upon bags of stuff in my apartment. The rule is basically this: If I haven't picked it up in a year, be it a piece of clothing, a book, a CD, it's gone. If I had no use for it in 2005, I probably won't need it in the future, and sentimentality be damned. That's how I'm rollin' in 0-6.
Before I give these things the Hefty treatment, I survey eBay for their street value. And ya know what? Nothing is worth shit. Absent of shipping costs, anything more than three months old can be had for $2. The Great Gatsby: $2. A Mary Chapin Carpenter CD: $2. A horrible Leslie Nielsen golf video: minus-$2.
Last time I put my hands on any of these things was maybe 2001, when I moved them from the Upper East Side to the Upper West. What the fuck was I doing? Holding onto them for another five years, when they'll be worth $2.10? Begone! And bring 200 books, CDs and shirts with you.
But I am holding onto that $20 VHS tape of Hamburger: The Motion Picture.
Yep, you heard me, my all-time favorite movie — the one my friends rag on me for, the one I got as a 30th birthday present, the one with gratuitous nudity, a spatula-wielding Dick Butkus, under-the-Chinese-restaurant-table pussy eating, tons of fat jokes, a pickle torture chamber, a character named Nacio Herb Zipser and the lovely and talented Randi Brooks as Mrs. Vunk — goes for $20 on the secondary market.
Check it: As of PK.com press time, this VHS copy was going for $20.50 on eBay with a day to go. That's about six times more than this can of Insta-Poop.
In fact, there's a dogfight for all copies of Hamburger: The Motion Picture on eBay. And while a number of Amazon sellers stock it, no one's letting it go for less than $23.
Let's see that pile of chick-flick shit Wedding Crashers garner anywhere near that value in 20 years.
Completed Unrelated Note: Was having dinner with a friend Tuesday night. Next to us were two seemingly straight guys (horrible dressers, BBQ joint, totally un-gay hair, split check) sharing an ice-cream dessert in the middle of their two-person table. Easily one of the top-five gayest things I've ever seen.
Hamburger rules! I've got it on my TiVo wish list in case some cable channel decides to ever air it. Easily one of my faves. "Put those cookies down, motherfucker!" Ha!
Posted by Derek at January 11, 2006 8:22 PM