The other night, some friends and I were waiting for dinner to be delivered and, as is often the case, the conversation swayed toward disgusting shit I find on the Internet. Specifically, Wikipedia's entry on the Cleveland Steamer, which learns us that crapping on one's chest and then rubbing it in with your ass has also been referred to as the Cincinnati Bow Tie and the Pasadena Mudslide. All worthy locales, in my opinion, to claim ownership.
Wikipedia also tells us that it is "used as an extreme method of breaking up with someone." And here I thought it was a form of marriage proposal. Or a way for Curt Schilling and Jason Varitek to get through the off-season.
From there, a Google search for Blumpie — uh, we waited a really long time for the food, and I couldn't stop laughing — took us to the Dictionary of Poo Sex, where I learned of the Chili Dog.
Check out these steps to taking your relationship to another level:
1. Crap a loose, Slushee-like stool on a woman's chest. There's your buns and chili.
2. Now add a hot dog, in the form of your hard dick, to slide through the mess.
Warning from the Dictionary: "Discoloring of the breasts may occur." Not a problem, I don't think, if it's not bikini season.
I know what you're thinking. What man could actually remain aroused during this whole episode? I don't even think Charlie Sheen or Matt Dillon is capable.
But understand this: some couple has done this. I absolutely guarantee it. If the Internet has done anything, it's exposed us to activities of the strangest people on the planet, stories mainstream media never touched before or since. But you know these scatalogicians are out there. Perhaps they live next door to you. And maybe he delivered that gyro pizza, because it would've started the job just fine.
Today's Web Finds:
• Montreal Strip Clubs Blog — A full-contact stripblog by Nero Brass, who, his bio says, is "considered by those outside and within the Montreal strip club industry to be an expert and a 'regular.'" I'm sure he gets laid tons. (Thanks, Ayan)
• Video Clip: Booty Shakers — If these broads keep bouncin', we're gonna have another tsunami. (Thanks, Eddie)
• Top 10 Movie Nude Scenes of 2005 — Total flicks I saw: 0.
• Hoff Soap — For the first time in my life, I'm hoping that hairy arm belongs to a woman, as she squeezes soap out of David Hasselhoff's pants. (Thanks, Jim)
• How to Order Wine Without Looking Like an Asshole — Twenty-six tips from WaiterRant.net.
• Photo Albums: Last Night's Party — Damn, these cokeheads know how to get down.
• eBay: Last 1,000 Pixels on MillionDollarHomepage.com — Over $160,000 for an ad on a site that's gonna have the shelf-life of Survivor's Gervase Peterson? I don't get it.
• Paul Lynde's Quips on Hollywood Squares — He must've had onions the size of Texas to look at Leslie Uggams after being asked "True or false: Roma legend has it that God made the people of the world in a large oven" and say, "Looks like you were overcooked."
• Search Flickr by Drawing Sample Image — Works like shit, because I drew a couple of melons (the good kind) and came up with some tomatoes (the bad kind).
• Contikue.com — One man's extensive chronicle of visiting 17 countries, with 52 people, over 46 days, through Contiki's Ultimate European tour.
• Shitload of Fantasy Fest 2005 Pics — Love the guy who looks like the Iron Sheik. Here's another album. And some more.
You never saw Sin City? Good flick!
Posted by CJ at January 10, 2006 1:52 AM