FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!

Can you imagine unwrapping this thing, thinking, "Ah, that's pretty nice," then learning somebody committed to spending five grand on you and came up with that shit?

For that money, you could have gotten a 42-inch plasma TV, an Xbox 360, a shitload of games and a home theater system.

You could have gotten 600 lap dances in Canada.

You could have received a $100 dinner gift certificate to 50 restaurants.

You could have unwrapped 50 new $100 items for your wardrobe.

But no. You got a fucking Etch-a-Sketch. At $5,000, this could be the worst gift idea ever.

Today's Web Finds:

• Video: Weatherman Pwn3d By Snowball-Hurling Kids — This shit is great. A field reporter apparently asks some kids to spice up a live news report by throwing a snowball or two. Well, they pelt him with about a thousand. (Found on GorillaMask.net)

• Craig's List Post: "Do My Laundry, Get a Blowjob" — Yeah, it sounds like a good deal, until you read the part about "eight to twelve loads" — hers not yours. That, and she probably has a dick. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• Gizz Hunting Gel: 'Get It On' — Honestly, I don't know what the hell you use this stuff for. All I know is that promises "No more sticky messes!" — fairly uncommon when you're dealing with Gizz.

• I'm Not Nearly as Popular as Dane Cook — Link goes to his MySpace profile, which boasts close to 600,000 friends. Hope they're not all expecting Christmas cards.

• The E-Mail Time Capsule — Through this Forbes engine, write an e-mail to yourself and receive it up to 20 years in the future. Only one problem: writing an e-mail to yourself is patently retarded.

• The Cotton Factory — Another place to buy humorous T-shirts. The good thing is that, when this fad runs its course, kids are gonna be out only $15 apiece. Unlike that foolish throwback sports garb trend when people plunked down $250 a pop for Lance Alworth jerseys. And you know some people have like eight of them and still worry about paying the rent.

• British TV Shows Woman Serving Placenta Pate — I caught a bit of this one some shocking-movies show on HBO. Anyway, I watched a woman fry up a placenta and serve it as pate. I haven't been that sick to my stomach since ... um, 24 hours earlier when the Giants lost.

• PC World's 100 Best Products of 2005 — You'll notice there's no mention of a $5,000 Etch-a-Sketch.

• Miss Penitentiary Crowned in Brazil — Should the winner get knifed and not be able to peform her duties, the second-place crack whore will assume her title.

• eBay: Severe Beating From a Female — From the listing: "I'm a male, 31 years old, 6ft and 160lbs and i'm willing to let myself take a brutal beating from a lady." Hell, for $15, I'll wear a wig and beat this guy's ass.