• Did you know that Mr. Dawson in Revenge of the Nerds IV: Nerds in Love — yep, the man who sired Dudley "Booger" Dawson — is none other than that pussy-bitch Henry from Alice? Henry Kaplan is still alive, but his career died with that role. Who knew?

• Did you know Peter Van Norden, who played Sgt. Vinnie Schtulman in Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment, was also defense attorney Paulsen in The Accused? Here's a guy who went from ordering Bunky to go in the litter box and not the cereal bowl to defending "college boy," like we're gonna take him seriously. And then he took a role in Gigli! Now, you can see him performing on stage in Baltimore.

• Did you know that both David Spade and Sharon Stone (pic) had roles in Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol? Oddly enough, they continued working.

• Did you know that Boss Hogg from Dukes of Hazzard visitied Mel's diner on Alice? I bet Flo told him to kiss her grits, before that firecrotch whored her $20 ass out as usual.

• The Thanksgiving Eve balloon blow-up was the whitest event I've ever seen in this city, displacing the U2 concert I went to, the Elton John concert I went to and all the Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen concerts combined. Total non-white people I saw at those events: about six.

• Conversely, Yankee Stadium is a rather diverse venue. Whites, blacks, Latinos and Asians, all pulling for the same team we paid through the nose for. It's pretty righteous.

• Anyone else watch those late-night HBO skin flicks and laugh their heads off? There's like five inches between genital regions, and we're supposed to believe they're fucking? This ain't erotica, this is comedy.

• The basketball team I'm captaining this winter: Off Each Other. That way, if you outscore us, you're relegated to saying, "We beat Off Each Other."

• There are losers, there are huge losers, and then there are the guys who call the 1-900 late-night party lines. When it gets to that level, you just have to feel sorry.

• Everyone has special talents. Mine is that I can tell if a sweet ass walking in front of me belongs to an Asian woman. I often speed up my pace just to make sure. Maybe 5% of the time I'm wrong and the chick appears to be a skinny Jewish gal, but still, I'm grading out an A.

• Going through my old e-mails made me miss New Orleans even more. Take this note (real, I swear) from a PK.com visitor in May 2004: "Hey, P. Where do the midgets hang out in the Big Easy? Is their (sic) a club that caters to them?"

• I usually can't tell if a woman is a good singer until I've seen her ass.

• A college-aged chick recently asked me if guys can pee with a hard-on. For those of you wondering, the answer is no. And we can't think clearly, either.

• Anyone else glad we don't have shows like Bonanza, Little House on the Prairie, Gunsmoke and The Andy Griffith Show on anymore? When was that shit entertaining?

• Considering Las Vegas is a completely manufactured city, are there any other locales that are looking back and thinking, "That could have been us. Whoops!"

• You don't see a lot of babies named Victor anymore, huh?

•: Acid reflux disease these days is huge. Maybe things were better in the olden says.

• Any country music stars actually play guitar, or do they just wear 'em?

• Don't really see a lot of black bartenders in NYC, do ya? The only regular I know is a part-owner.

• How loose was Andre the Giant's mom after she gave birth to that behemoth? Talk about having a rep around town.

• I didn't laugh at all when Florida State scored a touchdown this past weekend on a reception by De'Cody Fagg. Nor when the announcers said his name another 10 times.

• The way the Mets are turning Queens into the Latino baseball capital of the world, it won't be long before white players are the ones with translators.

• I'd pay money to any guy who plays Color Me Badd's "I Wanna Sex You Up" in the presence of opposite-sex company.

• If you're a guy going to Hawaii during the Pro Bowl, you have to submit to not getting any ass at all. All the hot parties are gonna be littered with freakishly-fit athletes, rich agents, physical trainers and the like. No way a schlub like me is gettin' any.

• Take your pick on why country music is filled with cornballs: 1) A commerical for the CMA awards in NYC on CMT said "New York City will never be the same." Uh-huh, yeah. And I like country music. 2) Kenny Chesney on Jimmy Kimmel Live saying he has friends in hip-hop and then naming those people as Kid Rock and Uncle Kracker.

• The first two picks of this years NFL Draft — presumably Reggie Buch and Matt Leinart, in whatever order — are gonna be like if Patrick Ewing and Tim Duncan came out in the same season. Unlike last year, when the No. 1 pick wasn't worth an 8-pack of hot dog buns. Do you even rememeber where Alex Smith went to school?

• After watching the Cleveland Browns on Sunday Night Football a couple of weeks ago, I have to agree with the ESPN announcers: Reuben Droughns is the greatest athlete in the history of sports. I think that's what they were trying to tell me.