I'm talkin' about the $75,000 worth of bull semen stolen from Eric Fleming's farm. A distraught Fleming posted on a message board that "It was a mother load (sic) of semen that I consigned to Denver sale."

You have to feel for the guy. Who hasn't found himself in that situation? Here you have a mother lode of semen, you've already got it ticketed for Denver and, poof, no more jizz.

Fleming also promises "a nice fat reward" (presumbly not a bull's dick) for any information on said semen.

(Thanks, Eric, for the link.)

Today's News Links:

• Kindergartner Shows Up With Eight Bags of Heroin — Slacker. When I was a kid, I used to trudge three miles in the snow with an ounce of pot, 12 dime bags of coke, 16 tabs of ecstasy and three Original Whizzinators.

• Ten Years of Salon.com — The first legitimate online-only media site, with no ties to a major parent company, recounts its initial decade.

• U.S. Maintains Control of Net — Well, of course we should. Look at our country's contributions to the online world: Amazon and eBay, which changed the way business is conducted, as well as obscene t-shirts, videos of skateboarders breaking their ankles, the Paris Hilton sex tape, 10 million dipshits with crappy blogs, upper-middle-class teens busting their parents' credit cards on online poker sites, rednecks arguing on message boards about whether some 17-year-old QB is gonna take Tennessee to the next level and, of course, ungodly amounts of amateur porn starring Midwestern wives.

• AOL Instant Messenger Suffers Worm Attack — Viruses don't just spread via e-mail, so don't click on links from unfamiliar sources. Except you Red Sux fans. Click on whatever the hell ya want. It's all good.

• Bugatti Veyron Super-Car: 1,001 Horsepower, $1.24 Million — Several reports have placed the car's top speed at about 250 miles per hour, which is really important when you're in the market for a small-penis compensator. I'd still take an NYC cab in a one-on-one with this thing from the Bronx to Wall Street.

• Northwestern Senior Charged With Peeing Inside a Play Fire Truck — I prefer the monkey bars, but I didn't go to a school as smart as NU. (Thanks, Laurie)

• The Golden Gate Bridge: A Magnet for Suicides — A San Francisco Chronicle package on the lethal beauty and allure of one of the West Coast's most recognizable structures. I love how the piece begins with an admission that it pretty much ripped off a story in The New Yorker that I linked to more than two years ago.

• Watch Out, Best Buy and Circuit City — Business Week says that Wal-Mart is gunning for the nation's two largest consumer-electronics chains this holiday-shopping season. Now if only we had a Wal-Mart in any of NYC's five boroughs (see store locator for 10023 zip code).

• People Names McConaughey 'Sexiest Man' — Attention, People editors: It's spelled K-A-T-C-H-E-R. Also, when I worked for Time and your mag was delivered to my in-box every week, I cringed every time, saddened that this stinking pile of celeb baby pics, celeb weight-loss and celeb romance is perhaps the most financially successful magazine of all time.