The only thing better than the guys who sell the homeless newspaper are the guys who pick up free newspapers (NY Press, Onion, etc.) and try to sell them.

Let's not forget the tourists on the B, D or 4 on their way to the Yankee game. "Does this train go to Yankee Stadium?" YES. "Can you tell us where to get off?". Yeah, when the other 3,041 people packed on this train wearing Yankee hats and Yankee shirts get off, that would be Yankee Stadium. Duh. And if you couldn't tell they were tourists from the line of questioning, you can always pick them out because they are hugging their purses and bags so tight they can't breathe.

My personal fave? When you're standing on a train that's so packed, you can barely breathe (and you don't even have any rail to hold onto because you're in that "awkward spot" where no pole is in sight) and some jackass tries to squeeze onto the train and is all "Can you please move in?" to all the passengers, and in the most self-entitled voice possible. And it's usually one of the largest people in Manhattan.

That and the women with really pointy-toed shoes who cross their legs, so one foot is sticking way out like a weapon, thereby preventing you from holding onto the railing/strap above them comfortably. Like, do you not see me jutting my ass out to make room for your foot? Just plant the two feet down next to each other. It's not that hard.

Hey! Boston and NY have more in common than inflated payrolls and overpaid superstars after all! This sounds pretty similar to my morning commute to downtown Boston - other than the Trash Car. What's that all about?

I should have spent way more time on this. Wrote it late last night and was really tired. I missed so much, like...

• That perfect view of someone's cleavage when the train is packed and your only line of sight is staight down some chick's top. Me and a friend were jammed into a 7-train on the way to Shea, to see the Yanks beat the Mutts, and we spent 30 minutes trying not to crack up.

• The messenger with the bike that takes up room for 12 people.

• The angry, angry, angry woman who yells at some one for accidentaly bumping into her and everyone's like, "Shit, she don't have a box-cutter, does she?"

I'll think of more.

But wait, thre's more...

• The dork businessman who runs for the door and NO ONE is rooting for him to get there. He gets pwned by the closing doors, looks around and whistles like he just casually strolled there instead of doing to a Carl Lewis to get to some boring-ass meeting, and everyone around is like, "HAHAHAHAHA!"

• When someone you know taps you on the shoulder, and you're so not used to human contact in this envoronment, that for 1/100th of a second you think you're about to get mugged. You're like, "What, the... what, the... what, the... oh, hey, Steve."

I'm so kicking myself that I rushed this post and didn't actually work on it. Not to mention the thousand f-bombs that come from writing till 3 a.m. after a night out, mixed with memories of rush-hour commuting.

Gotta get in on this:

- Kindly standing aside to let the passengers off first, like they always tell you, you wait as people exit. Finally, all is clear. You start to get on and one woman (invariably a woman) who, after a minute of sitting in the station realizes it's her stop, makes a mad dash for the door - pocket book and elbows flying along with an attitude. She apparently couldn't look up from the games she was playing on her cellphone to recognize her stop.

- Waiting on the platform late at night, drunk and tired. You've been waiting so long that when the train does arrive, you see passing cars that are packed. But what's this? An empty car with seats. Then the doors open, you get on and your realize why it was empty; the three smelliest homeless guys of all time, with their carts, bags and all, have camped out to ride and sleep until day break. And you're stuck on a car, for at least one stop, with smells you had no idea could emanate from homo sapiens.

ahh the shit-train. Always a crowd pleaser when that thing rumbles in to ruin your commute.

Pretty funny about the trains. Some observations:

- It's 5pm on a Friday and its the Times Square 1/2/3 uptown platform. There are more people on the platform than live in most midwestern towns. This might not be the best time to bring your precious infant in a carriage the size of a Humvee onto the trains. I'm sure junior's doctor's appointment or playdate or Gymboree class could have been scheduled for 3.

- It's 8:20am on a downtown Upper West Side downtown local station conveniently located 1/2 a block from an inexpensive tourist hotel. There are more people on the platform than dwell in most Scandanavian coastal villages. This might not be the best time to trundle off Sven and Tonja and 45 of their megabackpack wearing friends down to the Statue of Liberty. She'll still be there if you get on the train at 10:15.

- Note to kids wearing headphones and rapping along with Em or 50 or Nelly or Dopey or Sneezy: you can't rap. Actually, neither can the aforementioned, but YOU my friend, you TRULY can't rap. Stop it now.

- Teenagers: well - don't get me started except to say does the "seen and not heard" axiom apply to teenagers as well?

- Look here Mr Grand Central Commuting Guy Who Is About To Miss His Metro North Train - we're fully aware that the shuttle train stands there for a moment or 3 and that there's no way to tell if it is gonna pull out now or in 10 minutes, but this is the Times Square station where EVERY DAMNED TRAIN on the westside convenes. Its sorta busy. So run like mad all you want towards that shuttle train Mr GCCGWIATMHMNT - I ain't getting outta your way. And I weigh 280 pounds. You WILL bounce off of me and STILL miss your train.

- Ever peek into the center of a supposedly "crowded" car? Ever notice that there is often enough space there in the middle of the car to play a fairly robust game of touch football? Here's a tip (comments from the post upthread notwithstanding): MOVE THE FUCK IN!!!! Move your fat, lemming like ass into the center of the motherfucking train you asshat, selfish yuppie slimeball.

God do I need to move to the suburbs.

Weirdly enough, living in the 'burbs makes you appreciate NYC mass transit. Because crowded trains that come once every 5-10 minutes is MUCH better than waiting for a train that comes once every half hour/hour. I try to keep that in mind when the subway sucks.

I like the "if you see something, say something" signs, which convince people to tell authorities if they see any suspicious activity or items. Who am I going to tell? The doors are locked in the subway cars, so I can't go to the conductor. There are rarely cops in the subway cars, so I can't go talk to them there. My cell phone won't work down there, so I can't call 911. If I leave the car, the train will be long gone before I can find anyone at the station to talk to.

The only thing I'm left with is screaming at the top of my lungs "oh my God it's a bomb" and causing a riot in the subway car.