After a fruitless trip to Comp USA, where I was helped by no one (they were swamped with that one other customer in the department), I headed to Best Buy where I asked for assistance and was greeted by the most righteous of all salespersons questions: "What do you want to do with it?"

Right on, man. That's exactly what you should ask anyone seeking advice with consumer electronics. Unlike the asshat who tried to sell me golf clubs by inquiring, "How much do you want to spend?" Um, not more than I need, dickhead.

So I tell him the above, and he points to a $1079 model. I ask him why it was worth $430 more than the $649 (after $150 rebate) one right next to it. He mentioned a larger screen size (which seemed negligible to me) and a better video card. Truth be told, the cheaper model's screen was as blurry as freshman pledge's vision on kill-a-keg night.

So I asked him why it was worth $200 more than the $849 (after $150 rebate) model two spots down from it. He says the video card and screen size are comparable, any doesn't tell me anything more than, "But they're about the same price anyway."

Yeah, $1079 is "about the same" as $849 for the same shit. I try to explain that the $150 rebate is actual real money, no matter what I have to pay up front. He either didn't grasp this concept or didn't want to expand on why I would want to pay $1079 for an $849 notebook.

He rolls his eyes and walks away. Walks away. Not in a distracted, someone-else-has-got-a-quick-question kind of way. Just bolts.

So I said, "You're a fucking idiot. You run away because you can't figure out simple math?"

Figuring if you want something done right you have to do it yourself, I configured a Dell online, which is good news for the nearby Starbucks with WiFi access, because I've never spent a dime there. Until now.

Other Things on My Mind:

• With all those crazy T-shirts out there, I wonder why none read "C is for C-Cup. It's Good Enough for Me."

• Here's an actual conversation I had with a friend:

"The Giants are going to the Super Bowl! Pack your bathing suit."

"I think the game's in Detroit this year."

"Well, then, pack a gun, too!"

• You know you're obese when you're wheezing after descending four stairs — not flights — to reach the elevator in my building.

• Here's what I don't get about Catholics who have premarital sex but still go to church. You're already turning your faith into Burger King, having it your way. Why not hold the pickles, as well? It's not like most people attend church for any other reason besides guilt. It's like a 45-minute-a-week superstition ritual. You could fold socks for 45 minutes a week in an attempt to go to heaven and it would make even more sense.

• You see those Falun Gong people on the streets of New York demonstrating the torture their practitioners face in China? Dudes, you're in America. You're sitting outside Central Park in shackles and fake blood. What the fuck did you come here for? You're torturing me.

• It was a pleasure to spend $80 in TicketMaster convenience fees for eight tickets to the Giants-Saints hurricane relief game. Sixty-eight thousand people in attendance at $10 a clip. What a convenience, for TicketMaster.

• My new Madden 06 trash talk to friends who are avoiding scheduled beatdowns: "You're ducking me like Bush to a hurricane."

• Nowhere do blacks and whites in this country enjoy as much racial harmony as they do in the Black Hole at Raiders games. People of both races are absolutely insane out there.

• Earlier I congratulated god on a nice job with the tsunami. But I felt the Gulf Coast flood was weak. I think he's still a little cocky after ravaging human life with cancer and terrorism for this long of a time. Better make sure I go to church on Sunday so that I'm clear of those targets. Or maybe I'll watch football instead.

• Each week in the NFL we see player after player suffer season-ending injuries. It's getting to be epidemic. Yet, each Monday night, you can see 40-something-year-old men howling and laughing at the vicious hits in the "Jacked Up" feature on ESPN's Monday Night Countdown.

• How big of a loser do you have to be to answer an e-mail that touts fantasy football league spots are still available after Week 2?

• This week I caught the most woffing stench of B.O., I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. I can honestly say I tasted someone's nasty pits.

• Raise your hand if you enjoy clicking on a Web link that unexpectedly spawns a .pdf file.

• If there was one person who died in the Gulf Coast flood because a network decided to run some shitty TV show instead of an urgent news bulletin, I'm gonna be pissed. I imagine all stations scrolled constant evacuation messages, but just something to think about.

• PK.com reader Ken asks: "Did anyone translate Paul Maguire's 'I'm a tell ya what' en Espanol before, during or after ESPN's Sunday night game in Mexico City?"

• PK.com friend Ayan on Jason Giambi winning AL Comeback Player of the Year Award: "Does this mean Rafael Palmeiro is eligible for next year?" That should be the first and last time a player wins such an award after starting an All-Star Game the previous season.

• Larry David on my favorite show, Curb Your Enthusiasm: "I don't like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with."

• Janet Jackson was videotaped sunbathing nude. Who else lost a bet that Michael would've been caught first?

• Turner Field had 10,000 empty seats for Game 1 of its NLCS. Blame ticket prices or apathy, but that's a problem.