When fictional editorials in The Onion turn into reality, you have to figure the apocalypse is about two blocks down the street.
But that's what happened Wednesday, when Gillette unveiled its five-bladed razor.
You do remember the Feb. 18, 2004, editorial in The Onion by Gillette CEO James M. Kilts titled "Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades," right?
To refresh your memory, Kilts was a little peeved at the competition for one-upping the Mach 3 with the Schick Quattro. Some excerpts:
"[T]he bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades."
"If you aren't on board, then fuck you. And if you're on the board, then fuck you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the five-blade razor becomes the shaving tool for the U.S. of 'this is how we shave now' A."
"Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we should just ride in Bic's wake and make pens. Ha! Not on your fucking life! The day I shadow a penny-ante outfit like Bic is the day I leave the razor game for good, and that won't happen until the day I die!"
"Stop. I just had a stroke of genius. Are you ready? Open your mouth, baby birds, cause Mama's about to drop you one sweet, fat nightcrawler. Here she comes: Put another aloe strip on that fucker, too. That's right. Five blades, two strips, and make the second one lather. You heard me — the second strip lathers."
Here's hoping Lord Chancellor George M. Steinbrenner III is paying attention and aims to make this 2003 headline true as well: "Yankees Ensure Pennant By Signing Every Player In Baseball"
On a more serious note, The Onion will match the first $100,000 that its staff and readers give to the Red Cross.
(Thanks to PK.com NFL Pool co-leader Ayan for the heads-up on the Gillette story.)
Today's News Links:
• Charities Are For Suckers — Provocative liberal columnist Ted Rall says privately funded charities, which expect to raise only a pittance of the expected Hurricane Katrina burden, are for suckers who keep giving the government a pass on helping the disadvantaged.
• End of the Bush Era — E.J. Dionne Jr.'s op-ed in the Washington Post argues: "The source of Bush's political success was his claim that he could protect Americans. Leadership, strength and security were Bush's calling cards. Over the past two weeks, they were lost in the surging waters of New Orleans."
• Geraldo Makes Evacuee Do Second Take During Rescue — This is some crazy media shit. After Geraldo helps a woman to safety with the help of a FOX News truck, a doctor tells the author of this Salon.com story, "That's the second time he brought her here. They did two takes. Geraldo made that poor woman walk from the Fox News van to the heliport twice. Both times carrying her dog."
• Paris Hilton Hacker Gets 11 Months in Jail — I guess when you succeed at cracking her cell phone, you're pretty stoked, tell all your friends. Then the thing blows up all of the 'Net and you're like, "Holy fucking shit, I'm in big trouble."
• Britney Spears Gives Birth to Boy — I'm still saying she's hot again a year from now. Hot or not, though, the future Playboy spread is 165% definite.
• Picketers for Hire — Now you can protest against Wal-Mart without even working for the comapny. All for $6 an hour and no benefits.
• Gay Penguins at New York's Central Park Zoo No Longer a Pair — I was there Tuesday and didn't notice anything different. The Arctic exhibit was cold, smelled like crap and had kids running around everywhere. Same as always.
My prediction is that the next time you see Britney in public she will A) be the xize of Kirstie Alley ) Making her public debut on Celebrity Fit Club.
Geraldo is such a tool. How that man has a job in journalism still amazes me.
Posted by Cass at September 15, 2005 8:50 AM