Well, if you're used to searching eBay for the most bizarre shit on the planet like I am, then you know the answer to both is right here at this current Celebrity Doormat auction listing.

All proceeds of this one-of-a-kind (thank god) collectible will be donated to the American Red Cross, and it makes the perfect gift for:

• the person who has everything
• anyone who is at least somewhat insane
• someone who would actually consider buying Weird Al's sheet music (and would thus qualify for No. 2, as well)
• fans of the current NL East last-place team, the below-.500, perennial doormat New York Mets

Today's Web Finds:

• Telemarketing Counter-Script — Combat those a-holes with your own persistent, personal questions. Of course, you should be on the National Do Not Call Registry and you should feel no guilt whatsoever in taking the most obvious action to ending such an interruption: hanging up the god-damn phone. No "sorry," no "I'm not interested," no "now's not a good time." Just groan and hang up the fucking phone. Works for me!

• Christina Aguilera Makes $2 Million to Sing Three Songs at Billionaire's Wedding — Goes to show that money doesn't really buy you taste. I guess O-Town was already booked for a Dairy Queen opening.

• Template to Make a Magazine Cover With Flickr Photos — Not to be confused with the famous, phony TIME magazine post-election cover featuring Bush and the headline "We Are Fucked."

• Free Credit Reports Now Available to Northeasterners — You're allowed one every 12 months. Gotta see what Big Brother thinks of my bankroll.

• Video: Simpsons Cast Inside the Actors Studio — I don't have the patience to watch the whole thing. Good luck. (Thanks, Shumpy)

• How to Make Phone Calls Without a Telephone — The New York Times runs down the online options.

• Video: Man Drinks Ipecac and Pukes All Over Sidewalk — Gotta be staged, but funny as hell. I give it the full five-star, can't-miss PK.com rating.

• Video: Melissa Theuriau in Action — Our favorite French newscaster hottie is back.

• Napoleon Dynamite Halloween Costume — May be a year too late, but still a pretty good idea.

• Where Are They Now & Did They Get Hot — A then-and-now photo analysis of whether female child stars grew up to be hotties.

• Video: Drinking With Bob Rant on Tattoo Removal — My man goes ape-shit on those who got clichéd tattoos like the tribal arm bands and now conclude it may not be a six-decade fad.

• Video: President of Jefferson Parrish, La., Breaks Down on Meet the Press — Heart-breaking, powerful, sad moment. A definitive moment in this calamity.

• How Bush Blew It — Part of this Newsweek article reads: "How this could be — how the president of the United States could have even less 'situational awareness,' as they say in the military, than the average American about the worst natural disaster in a century — is one of the more perplexing and troubling chapters in a story that, despite moments of heroism and acts of great generosity, ranks as a national disgrace."

• Salvaging Sean Penn's Boat — Presidential historian and author Douglas Brinkley tells the New York Daily News, "I witnessed him rescuing up to 40 people. He was up to his waist in toxic muck." Some letters to the New York Post belittle his efforts (of course), including Joseph O'Keefe of Manhattan who says, "If this had been any of your noted Republican actors, such as Mel Gibson, James Woods or Clint Eastwood, they would be bashed by every liberal news agency, from The New York Times to CNN." Wanna bet?