This week Chez PK.com hosts the first of my two fantasy football drafts. I've been involved in each for about 15 years, and I've pretty much seen it all. And so have you, if you've run into any of these people and situations:

During the Draft...

• The Clueless Owners: You treat these guys like Vegas casinos pamper whales. You make sure they get a comfortable seat, enough snacks and plenty of alcoholic refreshments. Gone are the days when they'd pick Troy Aikman with the No. 1 pick, even though he only twice passed for more than 17 TDs in a season. (stats) So now we just settle for a couple of them bidding voraciously on a player neither knows is on injured reserve. You think they'd figure something was up while the other 10 owners try not to look at each other and risk bursting out laughing.

• The Guy With Four Magazines, Two Notebooks, Three Pencils and No Dates in the Foreseeable Future: Unfortunately for him, what women look for in men has nothing to do with knowing who is the Cardinals' back-up fullback.

• The 'Who the Fuck Is That?' Pick: Or, as it is more commonly referred to: The selection of Artose Pinner. In straight drafts, these are among the funnier moments. In auction drafts, everyone's throwing papers around just to find his name somewhere. Is he a kicker? A receiver? Then you find him ranked as the 120th-best running back, behind a guy coming off nine knee surgeries, a kidney transplant and broken back, and you laugh your ass off before saying, "You can have him."

• The Gluttonous Pizza Break: Thanksgiving is a light snack compared to the neanderthalish gorging of pizza after its mid-draft delivery. It's hard to get everyone re-focused because: a) at least three people are about to throw up; and b) Plaxico Burress is the best player left on the board.

• The Guy Who Shows Up an Hour Late: Nah, it's cool, bro. Me and the other 10 owners were just chatting about old times. And deciding whether we should sear your nuts with a branding iron or slam a door on your head a few times.

• The Player You Really, Really Wanted Picked Right Before Your Turn: The classic straight-draft nut shot. You could drive past a billboard advertising a video of your girlfriend getting peed on by R. Kelly and it wouldn't hurt as much as when the last good QB gets stolen from right under your nose and you're forced to build on the greatest wide receiving corps ever that won't make make the playoffs.

• The Chick Who Wins the Whole Thing: An expansion-team wife of an original owner has won our league three times, and that's the first and last time I'm going to admit that publicly.

• The Guy Who Takes F-O-R-E-V-E-R to Make a Late-Round Pick: Congress moves quicker than some guys select their sixth running back, who everyone knows will be cut by Week 2. "Hey, Phil, opening kickoff is only a week away. Wanna step on the gas a little?"

• Drafting the Player You Hate: For at least the third straight year in my keeper league, I'll be suiting up Terrell Owens, which means I would be somewhat disappointed — but not totally devastated — if he breaks his leg in nine pieces. Hopefully falling off a cliff onto Curt Schilling.

During the Season...

• The Guy Who Gets All the Good Pick-Ups: Fuck morning people.

• Questions From Guys in Six-Team Leagues: "Hey, Paul, I've got Peyton Manning, Daunte Culpepper, LaDanian Tomlinson, Priest Holmes, Terrell Owens and Randy Moss, but I can only start two. What would you do?" Answer: Get more friends and start a real league.

• The Guy Who Sees a TV Replay and Thinks He Got Another Touchdown: Several years ago, a friend got a long TD from Terrell Davis, then cheered him all the way to the end zone on a replay showing the same play from a different angle. Absolute hilarity.

• Finding Out You Were Playing Against a Scrub Having a Career Game: You sit at the bar watching Patrick Ramsey throw four TDs and rush for another. You're getting looped, enjoying talking to the Holy Grail of Bar Chicks (the fantasy football owner), but in the back of your mind you're not 100% certain that your opponent doesn't have Ramsey. You get home, check the scores and throw your monitor out the window. This is how a certain running back got to be known in our league as Larry "Fucking" Centers, shortened in subsequent seasons to Larry F.

Previously on PK.com:

• Luckiest Fantasy Sports Seasons — Kurt Warner in 1999, Randall Cunningham in 1998 and more.

Fantasy Football Links:

• Ladd K. Biro's Draft Guide — This has been run in a number of major newspapers. A column, followed by position-by-position analysis, complete with comments on each player. Great stuff.

• Bill Simmons' Top 40 Picks — Not a single Godfather reference. The boy is slipping. Funny stuff, but it's hard to judge any overall ranking against yours when scoring in fantasy football, unlike in baseball, varies so much by league. That's why I think position-by-position rankings are more useful.

• SI.com's Tip Sheet: Who's Rising and Falling — Wait, running backs on Cleveland, Chicago and Miami are not to be trusted? Who knew?!

• SI.com's Top 100 — With links to position-by-position rankings.

• CBS SportsLine's Player Ratings — This one includes monetary values for auction leagues. Might not be relevant for your league, but you can at least see the variance in value between the top players and those lower-ranked for each position.

• Fantasy Football Mastermind Quick Bits — Lots of "so-and-so newspaper reported today" stuff, mixed in with ads for "premium" content, which you'd be insane to purchase if first place in your league doesn't reward you with a mansion in Bel Air.

• Gil Brandt's Position-By-Position Previews — As with Dr. Z, the former Cowboys personnel director always provides insight not found anywhere else.

• Ten Reasons Why I Hate the Fantasy Sports Craze — SI.com's Don Banks isn't a fan. But is "regular" NFL any less of a fantasy? C'mon, now.

• ESPN.com's Draft Dos & Don'ts — Tristan H. Cockcroft, who could make some serious coin in the porn industry with that name, advises to get a good night's sleep before your draft. "Hey, Joe, wanna drill some beers and chase chicks tonight?" "Nah, gotta be ready to secure two starting tight ends tomorrow." "OK, Joe, sweet dreams. And, oh, I'm never calling you again."