The ones that should be punishable by law, however, are the personalized jerseys with legendary numbers and some assclown's name on the back. Like a Packers No. 4 with ABRAMOWITZ. Desecration of the highest order.

• I have a question for dog owners. Would you let a human being who's taken 12 craps between showers, without wiping his ass, sit on your couch?

• There is absolutely no middle ground with Jewish food. On one hand, you have your Romanian steaks with garlic, toasted bagels with lox and cream cheese, the best hot dogs anywhere. Totally awesome stuff. And then you have your pickled herring, tongue, and club sandwiches with chopped liver, onion and hard-boiled eggs. All of a sudden it's a menu for Fear Factor.

Same with Tommy Hilfiger apparel. Goes from way cool to solid orange pants in one rack.

• Dating a U.S. president's daughter sounds fun, but ya gotta think the sex totally sucks.

• I didn't see the obit FOX News did on Peter Jennings, but I imagine it went something like this: "A respected American journalist who would've never, ever worked for this operation died today at age 67."

• Some piss-drunk dude sang Billy Joel's Miami 2017 at karaoke a few weeks ago and dedicated it to the memory of those lost on 9/11. Thanks, liquorhead, I'm sure it means a lot.

• You don't see a lot of chicks with one arm. Seems to be more of a guy thing.

• I will now list the advantages of blow dryers over paper towels in bathrooms.

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• One day I'll have to do a list of potential celebrity sex tapes that would shut down the Internet for a month, and right now I've got Paris Hilton's mom moving up the ladder.

• People who use excessive exclamation points and question marks in e-mails scare the shit out of me!!!!! And what the fuck......is with the ellipses......some nimrods insist on using....between thoughts?????? MAKES THE ALL CAPS PSYCHOS SEEN NORMAL!!!!!