A quick call to Karl Rove's office identified the players as Gary Sheffield and Alex Rodriguez, who combined for five home runs and four doubles that were hit into, over and damn near through the Monstah, a beloved Beantown fixture known best for catching a Bucky Dent fly ball with a net in 1978.

"I intend to sue for assault and battery," said the Monster, who also names Sux pitchers Bronson Arroyo, Curt Schilling, Matt Clement and Tim Wakefield as accomplices. "Those [pitchers] are my boys, and I'm really surprised they would treat me like this. I tell Bronson all the time that the best thing I could say about him as a starter is that he's a good guitarist. I'm tight with all the Sux, actually. I even showed Trot Nixon how he wear his uniform real cool, with the first two buttons undone."

When asked if he hates all Yankees, the Monster said, "No, not all of them. Mariano Rivera was good to me this weekend, nailing down three saves with nary an earned run, lowering his ERA to 0.93. I was shocked to see him, too. Considering he's dead and all."

"I was gonna call Mo to congratulate him, but the hitters lost his number."

The Monster also expressed his concern for innocent Fenway bystanders who may have been injured by crush jobs hit by Sheffield and A-Rod that were last seen headed toward Rhode Island. "I heard A-Rod doesn't hit clutch home runs, so I guess they felt safe crossing the street in close games. I feel sorry for them, as well as the edit staff at ESPN.com's Page 2. I don't know what the hell they're gonna write about on Monday."

Calls were made to the Monster's attorney, Christopher House, but his secretary said he was "a little tipsy."

Today's Sports Links:

• WrestleReunion 2 Scheduled for Aug. 26-28 at Valley Forge, Pa. — Check out the old-school line-up: Magnificent Muraco, Greg "The Hammer" Valentine, Ivan Koloff, Tito Santana, the Wild Samoans. I just hope nobody dies.

• Anna Benson Tossed From World Series of Poker for Dropping F-Bomb — Not only that, but News America Now reports that when told by a Bellagio steakhouse staffer that she could not eat with her French bulldog, she dealt the Royal Flush of queen bitchiness, asking, "Don't you know who I am?" They replied, "Absolutely not." (Found on SportsByBrooks.com)

• Police: T-ball Coach Paid Player to Harm Disabled 8-Year-Old — I wouldn't hang out in any local bars if I were this guy. Imagine a couple of drunken roughnecks being told, "Hey, there's the guy who put a hit on a kid." I'm thinking bottle to face in 3.2 seconds. (Thanks, Art)

• ESPN SportsNation Poll on Rafael Palmerio — See where you stand against other fans in 10 questions regarding Palmeiro's legacy. I can see the Hall of Fame induction speech now: "Thank you for bestowing on me this great honor, even if you did it because you had to." (Also see Aaron Gleeman's SABRmetric analysis of Palmeriro's Hall candidacy.)

• Mark Cuban Interested if Pirates for Sale — The Mavs owner is a huge Pirates fan, and he'd show interest if there was a possibility of the club moving. Current owner Kevin McClatchy says there isn't, making this "a nonissue." Cuban says the Pirates have "a great young nucleus for the future." I hope he's talking about their futures with the Yankees.

• ESPN's World Series of Poker Broadcast Schedule — It's funny. Here we have a just-finished main event at the peak of this activity's popularity — people blogging about it all over the place — and ESPN's gonna air the last of the final-table hands on ... November 15! Who the hell's not gonna know the winner by then?